#bc there's an obvious power imbalance in the word they have over my word for legitimate reasons

[viridianevergarden]

So it seems that one of the main gripes that antis have about elriel is the way Azriel worded his big question to Rhys. That the way he said it screams entitlement to Elain? I’m going to break this down a little.

"The Cauldron chose three sisters. Tell me how it's possible that my two brothers are with two of those sisters, yet the third was given to another."

I really don’t think anything is wrong here.

Consider how Azriel is for a moment. He is of a more sophisticated character and he talks that way normally. The sentence is structured poetically, yes? Azriel is of a poetic sort, as we have seen on many occasions.

Azriel is referring entirely to the numerical imbalance that is present between the 3 to 3 ratio because that’s what it is. A numerical imbalance. Thats why Elain is referred to as “the third”. Weren’t Nesta and Feyre referred to as the “two”?

But it’s only wrong that he referred to Elain as the Third? Okay.

He wasn’t specifically referring to the sisters individually. He was referring to them alongside his brothers as a group. Of course she is the Third, because that is what she is. You’d think an English class would teach that.

This doesn’t mean that he sees her as an object.

Its quite the opposite that he sees her as such, given the fact that this man -across 4 books- has risked life and limb for her, spent time with her, gave her his dagger for her own safety that no one else has ever touched, actively sought her out on many occasions, and defended her against Nesta and *Lucien? Come on now. Let’s be real.

*Voicing that she doesn’t even want him in the BC is a defense in her stead.

No one does all that to slip under someone’s dress or get into their pants. Across 2 years mind.

The “given to another” line really isn’t serious just like the aforementioned.

She practically was given to another. She was thrown at Lucien, as per Lucien’s pov, since he’s oh so important. The cauldron shackled her to him as he is to her. It’s merely an observation. No entitlement.

The way Azriel spoke about Lucien regarding the blood duel, fighting him and beating him, etc. People think that Azriel is screaming entitlement by merely stating that he’d beat him? Oh lord. After Rhys and the narration confirmed that it was true? Spending precious page space to make that known?

Not entitlement. Merely stating the obvious, an observation just like the rest. A truth that SJM was trying to convey.

And don’t start with the “He’S a HiGhLoRd’S sOn, He’D bEaT AzRiEl.” Respectfully, silence. Highlord power is passed on by the death of the current highlord. Highlord esc dominance ≠ highlord power. SJM spent page space to make the fact that Az would win known, get over it.

Then they have the matter of “well why didn’t he fight Rhys back and confess his love for Elain then?”

There’s three answers I can give:

This is a BC, he won’t do that until it’s in a book that he actually stars in as a main character, which obviously is the next installment.

Azriel, as a person, feels he should not love her. That he does not deserve her. That he taints her very being. And that she is too good for him and Lucien. So that statement would be completely out of character for him to do so here. This man hates himself so much that he feels he doesn’t have the right or reason to fight for his love for Elain. So he won’t.

Rhysand himself.

The explanation on Rhysand:

Rhys shut him down as soon as he walked in

Taunted and antagonized him

Threw wild assumptions at him

Instigated

Threatened him

And then immediately proceeded to shut him out

He effectively gave no room for Azriel to open up. He didn’t even ask Azriel what was happening or what he felt. It was an immediate attack as soon as he walked into the office.

“Are you out of your mind?”

Being shut down instantly

“What of Mor?”

Antagonized and taunted

“you think you deserve to be her mate?”

Wild assumption

“So you’ll what? Seduce her away from him?”

Instigated + assumption

“Snarl all you want. But if I see you panting after her again, I’ll make you regret it.”

A threat

“Get out.”

And shutting him out

After throwing knives of assumptions at Azriel, trying to bait him with Mor, he threatened him and then kicked him out.

Rhysand is at fault for not creating a safe space for his brother to explain. Azriel merely gave him curt answers in response because that’s all he allowed him to do.

It’s only salt in the wound that we know that Rhys knows of Azriel’s self worth/esteem issues and still treated him this way. But given the time this BC took place, I’m cutting Rhys some slack.

Again, keep in mind that Azriel won’t fight for his love because he feels he has no right or reason to. Not right now.

Could his question about the sisters and the cauldron have been worded better? Sure. I think it was worded well enough though because it explicitly states the disparity that he sees in a logical fashion.

Azriel isn’t entitled, he doesn’t feel entitled.

The irony of it is that some people think he is all the while the man feels as though he doesn’t even deserve to be in any close proximity to Elain. To be around her and to see her light.

People fail to consider the emotional and mental state of Elriel, completely ignoring their words that made it so obvious of what they’re thinking and feeling and wanting all so they can determine what they want them to do instead.

Very ironic indeed.

[babygirllinds]

WIP Masterlist

kitten - Icemav

Mav wears the collar Ice bought him to get what he wants in order to cure the feeling of emptiness he woke up with.

Very smutty (remember that self-indulgent fic I said I was writing a couple weeks back? Yeah, this is it)

Includes: dom/sub, cockwarming, slight daddy kink (I might indulge in this one more, but idk yet), dumbification/degradation, and I guess you could say petplay because Mav wears a collar and Ice calls him kitten/kitty, but Mav does not act like a cat

cowboy like me - Icemav

Song/lyric fic. Ice tries really hard to ignore the temptation of danger that is Maverick. He worked really hard to get where he was and his feelings for Mav could crumble that in seconds. Maverick is just in love and wants Ice to see that loving him might be worth the risk.

Smut/angst fic

This fic deals with Ice’s internalized homophobia and how he’s trying hard to ignore his feelings because it feels wrong, but also so, so right.

you’re my favorite secret - Icemav

Rear Admiral Tom Kazansky spent his whole life fighting to get to where he was. He’s the best of the best; entirely focused on his career and climbing through the ranks. That is until he meets a young lieutenant by the name of Pete Mitchell. He risks everything just to get a taste of life with Maverick in it.

Smut fic

Power imbalance relationship with a higher ranking military official. Obvious older man/younger man relationship with an age difference of 20 years (Ice will be in his 40s & Mav in his 20s)

stay in my arms - Icemav

Ice and Mav’s leave time lines up after months of not seeing each other and Mav invites Ice on a last minute road trip to go see Carole and Bradley. No matter how aloof Ice acts, he’s excited to be spending his time off with the man he’s in love with.

Smut fic that will most likely be turnt into a multi-chapter

Includes lots of mutual pining and only one bed trope!!!

words aren’t enough - Icemav

Sarah brings by a box of letters Ice had accumulated over the years, all addressed to one Pete Mitchell. Never sent and never seen, but holding all of the words he wasn’t brave enough to say. Maverick mourns a new loss in his life after already mourning the physical loss of Ice.

This is not smut! Surprise! I’d say it’s more T rated because of cussing and descriptions of homophobia, but it’s relatively tame for the most part, but lots of angst!!!

Descriptions of anxiety attacks and Maverick’s own internalized homophobia. Mentions of Ice’s death and how Maverick is navigating it.

the babysitter - Icemav

Pete is babysitting for the perfect family for extra money while in college. He adores the kids and the parents are absolutely gorgeous. He can’t help his budding feelings for the dad when he starts working from home rather than being out all the time for his job. He doesn’t plan on doing anything about his feelings, but then Tom Kazansky makes things difficult when he makes the first move.

Smut fic

Another power imbalance fic bc why not??? Obvious age gap relationship, but everyone is of age (Maverick is in his early 20s and Ice is in his late 30s)!!! Ice has a wife and kids in this one, folks, so cheating will happen

smooth operator - Icemav

Pete is straight… or so he thinks. He can’t stop thinking about Tom Kazansky — asshole extraordinare. He calls a phone sex line to help find where he stands on his sexuality. He asks for a man and winds up with someone named Ice. Ice is nice and comforting and he makes him feel good. He soon finds out that his true identity is someone he knows all too well…

Smut fic (I’m planning on making this a two-parter from both of their perspectives, but I only have some of Mav’s pov written at the moment)

AU!!! Frenemies to lovers type beat. Baby gay Mav trying to navigate his feelings for men (specifically Ice)

Let me Teach you a Lesson or Two - Icemav

Chapter 7: Tom decides it’s time to address his missing book but also rewards Pete for taking his pills consistently along with getting good marks on his recent exam.

Smut fic

Slips further into dom/sub relationship dynamics & soft dom!Tom really comes out to play (Pete finds out the wonders of being a rope bunny)

I saw him first - Slicemav

Chapter 2: Slider finds an opening when he catches Maverick alone in the locker room. Ice stumbles upon the two of them while looking for his RIO. The door ends up locked and Maverick finds himself being propositioned by both men. He’s shocked to say the least, but he’s not entirely opposed to the situation at hand.

Smut fic

Locker room sex because why not?

obey the motto - Slimav

Slider lives by the motto: flying comes first, loyalty comes second, and short pretty brunettes come last. Slider loves the feeling of being in the air, so he ensures he’ll do whatever it takes to keep that. Enter Iceman who becomes his pilot and makes sure they stay at the top by the way he flies. Then comes Maverick, the prettiest short brunet he’s met in a while. Then he witnesses the way Ice stares at Maverick and suddenly he’s reminded of his loyalty because without it, he’s not in the air being the best of the best.

Smut/angst fic

Lots of pining and unrequited love in here (between literally everybody). There will be lots of angst for Ice because Slimav is endgame in this

sweet on you - Slimav

Slider’s public distaste for Maverick to others is far from the truth. He finds himself with a soft spot for Maverick and enjoys the way they interact. It’s never-ending taunts and jokes that Maverick matches head on and makes Slider feel like he can be himself. Now he can’t stop picturing him in his bed and seeing how sweet on him he really was.

Smut fic

Friends to lovers and lots of pining

could this be more? - Slimav

Maverick keeps finding himself in someone else’s bed and then sneaking out in the middle of the night, but this time he finds himself sneaking out of bed with someone he knows personally. Slider proposes a solution.

Smut fic, possibly a multi-chapter fic

Friends with benefits to lovers!!! I’ve never done a FWB fic before so this is new, but I absolutely love the idea with Slimav

hungry for you - Slimav

Slider is face to face with temptation. Temptation’s name just so happens to be Pete “Maverick” Mitchell. Slider takes the leap and Maverick pulls him in further instead of pushing him away, much to Slider’s surprise.

Smut fic

Based on this post

you’ll always be taken care of - Goosemav/Icemav

Goose had always taken care of Mav — loved him with his whole heart. Then he dies. Goose watches Mav fall into a deep depression without being able to help. He aches to find a way to make Mav feel better again, but he can’t hear or see him. He then enlists the help of the one person who happens to hear him — Ice.

Starting out as an angst/fluff fic, but will most likely diverge into smut later on (if I decide to make this a multi-chapter)

Includes notes of depression & mentions of Goose’s death

shoulder to cry on - Icemav/Slimav

Slider is there for Maverick through his grief over losing Ice. Slider is hurting just as much at losing his best friend, but right now he’s just worried about making sure Ice’s husband is taken care of per his final request. Maverick knew that Ice was his soulmate, but somewhere along the way, Slider carves a spot into his heart.

Angst fic that will most likely diverge into a smut fic bc I can’t help myself

Everyone is hurting, then some pining happens

[stillfruit]

love how having an ed apparently removes all agency from you regarding your food preferences, re-enforing the belief you don’t know what’s good for you and are not capable of being in control of your own choices and opinions, which in turn re-enforces the belief that you must listen to what other people say about food and health, throwing you all the way back to the hellscape that is ~health consciousness in 2020 ✨💖🙏😎

[starxscream]

Rouxls for the character ask! (and Mettaton or/and Noelle too if you want!)

Runs around in circles

I'm. On mobile so I'm sorry for the long post awhoopsie

Rouxls

Sexuality Headcanon:

Gay gay homosexual gay. Ok but fr he radiates a lot of homosexual energy and like- he knows his preference he just SUCKS at recognizing when he likes someone. Probably a little on the aro spectrum in the demi area since I think he prolly has some issues with deep relationships that need to get worked out and while surface level he can feel attraction it's just surface level n goes away when the initial infatuation wears off

Gender Headcanon:

Non-op transmasc enby<3 my man radiates SO MUCH transmasc swag it's unreal

A ship I have with said character:

I'll give you one guess. (I will not write and essay here abt swatchkaard. I will not write an essay here abt swatchkaard. I will n-)

HOWEVER as a special weird one I do like him queerplatonic with KK! Maybe romantic but more so queerplatonic lol I think abt when Rouxls goes to their shop to fix up his machine a lot and KK is just. I like your funny words. I think they're goofy as friends and I rly like two silly buddies bc I imagine KK would just listen to these rambles ("""listen""" he so tuned out 15 minutes ago) and then offer milk or cd bagels like congrats. Or sorry that happened. Just a nice chill vibe to balance out how high strung Rouxls can be!

A BROTP I have with said character:

I know Queen is like, obvious choice here since they co-parent and I do enjoy that BUUUTTT. I also like him being good buds with Seam! Esp after they could reconnect in castle town after the events of chapter 1. I like to think they were all friends (Rouxls, Seam, and Jevil) before what happened with Jevil with Seam being a kind of straight man to both Rouxls and Jevil (who prolly pissed each other off a lot- well Jevil would prolly rile Rouxls up on purpose...lol) so I think Rouxls holds some respect for Seam but then they. Like. Yknow. Disappeared. So I like them rekindling a friendship later on :]

A NOTP I have with said character:

King or Queen romantically lol. The power imbalance there is...rly bad. With how bad Rouxls wants to please and serve them/be a servant to someone of high status, its just inappropriate to have him in a romantic relationship with them bc it can easily be turned into a manipulative toxic pool cuz King/Queen have too much power over Rouxls in the relationship

Also they're both just like. Rly rude n bully him constantly so like eeehhhh sorry I don't like the date ur bully type ships.

A random headcanon:

What hcs do I even have I haven't talked about holy shit lmao

Anyways I think it'd be cool if he had a lisp and part of the reason he has the accent is to hide it cuz he's self conscious (gestures to how his drips keep getting in his mouth I can't imagine that makes it easy to talk either)

General Opinion over said character:

I love this bitch he lives in my rent free (this is a plural joke)

Anyways tho for reals I think he's a lot more interesting than just comedy relief and I hope we get to see more sides of him than just that. Cuz we still have never had a "real" battle with him and I'd love to see what his real strength is. I love him dearly. My silly pathetic meow meow

Mettaton

Sexuality Headcanon:

Also gay I'm sorry but you CANNOT tell me anything about that robot is straight.

Gender Headcanon:

Trans man!! This is just supported by canon lol

A ship I have with said character:

Tbh. I haven't. Played undertale. Still. so I don't have any super strong opinions but I'm just kinda like gestures. I don't rly have one? I'm not a fan of a lot of ships with Mettaton with undertale characters.

I do think him in Rouxls is funny in a non-canon crackship kinda way lol transmascs stay winning

A BROTP I have with said character:

Ik Alphys is again. The obvious choice but I think he'd be cool friends with Sans ngl. I rly like the idea of them being pals bc Sans is chill and Mettaton is...not lol and it's a fun mixture bc they're BOTH very silly and I think they'd talk for ages- or well Mettaton would and Sans would make a quip every now and then that would crack Mettaton up

A NOTP I have with said character:

Uuhhh idk I rlyyyy don't like him shipped with any female characters bc he's rly blatantly queer-coded imo. It makes me uncomfortable personally.

I rly need to play undertale God bless its been sitting on my switch for who knows how long

A random headcanon:

His robotic pink chest part is curved/juts out in way to make it seem he's a non-op transmasc bc I think that's cool. Thank you

Also I like the idea when he gets upset or overwhelmed his arms just stretch and drop all over the floor like limp noodles

General Opinion over said character:

Holds him in my hand. U are the reason I'd play undertale if it wasn't for the fact you're so far into the game. I love u sir I love ur gender I want To Be You.

Also currently living in my head rent free (plural joke)

Noelle

Sexuality Headcanon:

Ace Lesbian bc I love making characters on the aroace spectrum thank u

Gender Headcanon:

Beelze Rly got me hooked on transmasc egg Noelle. She doesn't rly know it but she's got the vibes and I see her, now that she's reconnecting with Kris, to expirament with gender more and figure it out

A ship I have with said character:

Susie duh lol I don't have much to add besides congrats lesbians on the win

A BROTP I have with said character:

While there are issues that def need to get worked out I rly do love her friendship with Berdly bc they are actually rly good friends even if Berdly tests her patience a lot. I hope to see them both grow and have a stronger friendship after chapter two (well. On the non-snowgrave route.)

Also KK they're besties :)

A NOTP I have with said character:

Any boy character lol let us have the lesbian we deserve. Also not a big fan of her n Kris bc I like them better as good friends

A random headcanon:

Weeeelllllll I like to think that in addition to holiday music she REALLY loves stuff like rock or heavy metal and just hecking jams to it- whenever someone finds this out it always surprises them lol

General Opinion over said character:

I think she's neat :) and I'm glad she's not the stereotypical sweet girl next door like we originally saw lol she's a WEIRD KID and i LOVE that about her. Honestly the more I learn abt her the more I love her

[luvteez]

at your service

pairing: san x fem!reader genre + tags: smut | humiliation (in the form of wearing a maid costume bc san is a kinky weeb), begging, master kink, cockwarming, edging, unprotected sex wc: 2.2k

A smirk creeps on San’s lips the moment the door flies open. He’s made himself comfortable on the bed, legs crossed and head resting against the headboard. Before he can let out the comment that’s been lying heavy on the tip of his tongue, you lash out first.

“I fucking hate you for making me wear this.”

“Yes, you told me that around six times already,” he drawls, visibly amused by the situation. “But we had a deal. You lost, so suck it up.”

The neckline plunges too low for your liking, and the skirt — can it even be considered a skirt? — is so short that you’re bound to flash the panties you’re wearing underneath whenever you as much as dare move. Perhaps you’d find the garter belt cute, if only you weren’t wearing it with this skimpy version of a maid uniform. How much did San pay for this? Actually, you don’t want to know.

San gets off the bed, eyes trained on you the entire time. His tongue pokes out of the corner of his mouth once his gaze settles on your exposed legs, making you clench your thighs together. The way he blatantly eye-fucks you has you growing wet, and you fucking hate it. It’s one thing to be put through this humiliation, but wearing this maid outfit and being aroused? Your ego can only take so much.

Once he’s standing in front of you, the power imbalance couldn’t get any more obvious. There’s him, wearing a nice dress shirt with the top buttons undone and black jeans, and then there’s you in nothing but a slutty rendition of a servant costume. The look he sends you makes you tear your eyes away from him and heartbeat rise to your ears, and you just hope for the better that he doesn’t point it out.

Luckily, he doesn’t. Instead, he circles around you, giving you a once-over from every possible angle. It’s silent, save for the sound of San’s footsteps bouncing off the walls. You wait for him to say something with bated breath, but that never comes. Eventually, he stops right behind you, and you’re pretty sure he’s fixated on the part of your ass that the skirt doesn’t cover.

The silence is deafening, unbearable even, but you don’t plan on losing this unsaid game. If San already has you dressed as degradingly as it can get, you’re not going to entertain him any further. But then an arm wraps around your waist and pins your back against his chest, while another hand snakes down under your skirt and cups your covered cunt. You manage to bite back a moan at the sudden contact, but your body betrays you with how you jolt.

“Cute,” San snickers, before propping his chin on your shoulder. “Just adorable.” His breath is hot against your neck as he continues to put his fingers to use. He traces your folds over the panties that are slowly turning damper by the second, toys around with your clit, and even dares to shove some of your underwear into your entrance once you’re leaking enough to his liking. You struggle to stand still on both legs as he does how he pleases, deadset on withstanding him, even if this torture is the cost. 

“I hate you,” you say through gritted teeth, but it comes out rather comical when your knees finally give up on you and you lean on him for support. The subtle moan that follows suit doesn’t help either. San only smiles against your skin before he pushes your underwear aside and slides two digits in you. The messy technique is all over the place, but he curls his fingers in all the right angles and hits all of your weak spots precisely, reducing you into a panting wreck. You throw your head back, overwhelmed by everything that’s going on, and when he pays attention to your clit again, you’re on the verge. 

You’re so close that you can taste your sweet release, but then he stops. You’re about to complain because you know full well what he’s done, but he beats you to it first.

“Come again? What did you say? You’re my maid now, so you better act like one. This is part of the deal after all.” Although he’s muttering in your ear, he enunciates every single syllable with clarity that makes your skin crawl. “Apologize.”

You know exactly what he’s after. San wants to break you. wants to crush your pride and make you his little bitch. You’d put up a longer fight, but your mind is just revolving around sansansan and the desperate want to come. 

“Forgive me.” You cringe at how small your voice sounds, defenseless even. 

“Forgive me...?” he echoes as his fingers start to move again, albeit at a much slower pace than before. You’re confused by the implication, and turn all cogs in your brain in hopes of finding the answer. 

Oh.

Oh.

The daunting realization must’ve flashed across your face because San encourages you to speak. If only you could turn your head and face him, you’d give him a piece of your mind. Not that it would’ve been effective anyway, since he has you locked in his hold.

He whispers the first syllable of the word, and you gasp. Your suspicions were right all along, but the confirmation makes you burn up even more in embarrassment. He’s really trying to stoop you down onto the lowest level. 

But you can do it. you tell yourself you can do it. After all, a deal’s a deal.

“M-master. Forgive me, master.”

San wasn’t prepared for the delivery, judging by the way he flinches. To your dismay, he pulls out entirely, leaving you gaping, and the growl that follows is borderline feral. “You’re the maid, not me. You’re the one who should be doing all the work. If you want to cum, then earn it.” With that, he lets go of you before heading back to the bed. 

You’re at a loss of words. All you can do is stare at him as he makes himself comfy on the bed again, but you quickly scramble to him when he motions you towards him with a flick of his hand. 

“What do you want me to do?” San cocks a brow as if to say is this your best? and you quickly rephrase. “Is there anything I can help you with... master?” The word feels so foreign on your tongue, doesn’t slip the right way. You hate how it’s enough of a confirmation that he has the upper hand; a confirmation that you’re nothing but his little servant. 

He smiles lazily. “Sit on my cock.” And that’s all it takes to have you straddling him. You don’t waste any time pulling his pants down along with the black briefs, letting his length spring out. He’s fully hard and flushed red, just looking inviting to suck on, and it has your mouth watering. But then: “Keep the uniform on.”

Of course it was too good to be true. There’s no way San would let you forget who’s in absolute charge here. You can’t complain though, because you’re getting dicked earlier than expected. 

You manage to slide him inside of you without any complications. Breathy moans leave his mouth as you take him in inch by inch, and the way he struggles to lie still is a tiny victory for you. Meanwhile, the way his cock stretches you out has you whining in pleasure, and your head is only spinning around sansansan by the time you’ve taken him up to the hilt.

“Can I— do you want me to move, master?” 

Maybe it was because you got your hopes up to high, but you can’t help how disdain spreads all over you when San reaches for his phone on the nightstand. “No. Sit still.”

And just like that, he dismisses you nonchalantly and starts tapping rapidly on his phone; as if having you sit on his cock while wearing a maid outfit is a daily occurrence. Your jaw nearly drops when you realize he’s fucking texting. You’re about to speak up, but then the thought of him chastising you because you’re supposed to be a maid pops up in your brain. He’d definitely do that, and he’d definitely punish you too. The question is, how far is he willing to go?

You don’t want to find out. 

So you sit still, losing track of time. You don’t know how long you’ve been sitting on his lap, trying your best not to think about his cock pulsing in you, but it must’ve been a fucking while when San suddenly tilts his phone, thumbs no longer moving. That’s when you become acutely aware of the camera facing you, and you can’t help but wonder what on earth he’s watching. 

Or what if he’s filming you—

That thought has you unknowingly clenching your walls, and you inhale sharply as you realize he’s still snug in you. Luckily, San doesn’t stir, and that realization has you going on your rounds. Maybe if you do it one more time and he doesn’t budge, you could get away with it—

“A-are you recording?” The words are spoken out loud before you even realize it.

San looks up at you and tilts his head. “No, I’m not. Why?” His voice is dripping in innocence, but then he lifts a brow and you know you’re doomed. “Do you want me to record you? Does it turn you on? Is that the reason why you keep tightening around me? Why you’re quite literally dripping on my cock?” 

Your heart almost stops dead in its tracks. So he noticed the entire time.

“Please let me move, master. Please,” you blurt out, no longer caring about your fucking dignity. “Please let me come on your cock. W-want master to fuck me dumb and show me my place.” The number of times you said please in the last few seconds is pitiful, but you don’t find it within you to care. 

“That would imply that you were thinking in the first place. If you weren’t stupid, you wouldn’t have insulted me and said you hated me.”

“You’re right, master, I wasn’t thinking earlier. Please,” you beg, vision slowly getting blurry. San truly outdid himself and got what he fucking wanted, reducing you to the point where you’re so desperate you’re about to cry. Of course you’re desperate because there’s a cock filling you up but you’re not being fucked. And as if that wasn’t hell in itself, you’re wearing this godforsaken maid outfit because you lost a bet.

“Ssh, I got you, baby.” San’s eyes instantly soften and there’s fondness lying in them. You know what he’s about to ask, but you quickly give him the green light to continue. He mouths you an ‘okay’ and reassuringly squeezes your hand before settling both of his hands on your hips. 

There’s a playful glimmer in his eyes, and then he sets back into character, smugness written all over his face. “You want me to fuck you dumb? I’m gonna fuck your brains out, alright.”

In a split second, his grip on your hips tighten. the next thing you know, he snaps his hips against you, and you’re sent three dimensions over. 

His cock manages to reach you even deeper if that’s humanly possible, and you sob. Your moans overlap with his grunts as he thrusts in and out of you at a brutal pace. You barely find the energy to keep your body up, and it’s all San’s doing as he slams your hips down on him. Eventually, he manages to flip your positions around so that you’re pliant underneath him. He doesn’t let down with the intensity when he fumbles for your clit, and your eyes roll back as you feel your orgasm approaching. 

And just a few seconds before you unravel, he pulls his cock out entirely. Fighting back the tears welling up in your eyes, you choke when he nudges his head against your clit. Precum dribbles down your slit and mixes with your own slick, reminding you that he’s not letting you come again.

“Why?” you wince. San is unfazed by your desperation.

“You wanted me to show you your place, didn’t you?” He slides his head along your slit for good measure, and raises his voice to add, “I’ll show you your place and give you what you want if you do what master wants.”

Despite the buzz in your head, you get the underlying order. San isn’t fucking around and means business, always has, so you muster up the energy to ask, “What do you want, master?”

The sly grin he flashes is the only thing you see. “I want you to say my name over and over again. And once you’ve said it loud enough, I want you to scream it.” He gently grabs your chin, forcing you to maintain eye contact with him. “I want the whole neighbourhood to know who’s making you feel good.”

[silverbastardgoldenfool]

Realm of the Quarantine Reread End-of-Book Questionnaire: Assassin’s Apprentice

Any differences between your first/previous reading experience and this one?

Uhhhhh yep!! I can’t even believe how different it was. Every scene has taken on an entirely different colour and flavour in my memory. I skimmed far too much the first time, yes, but also I just went into it with the wrong framework. I think I’ve mentioned this before but my mum recommended me these books on the basis of my love of A Song of Ice and Fire. She directly compared them and said how similar they were. Because of RotE’s length I had been putting it off for years, and only finally picked up Assassin’s Apprentice because I was itching to do an ASOIAF reread but was (and am) trying to wait until Winds of Winter to do it. 

So you can imagine the difficulty settling into a book like Assassin’s Apprentice when you’re expecting Game of Thrones. I remember my overall impression on my first read being that it was a pretty standard fantasy novel with the only really exceptional thing about it being the characters and their relationships. Characters are always my top priority so it was enough to keep me invested and progressing onto the next book and the rest of the series, but I did so not having absorbed nearly as much as I should have from the first book in the series.

Now, just from revisiting that first book, my understanding of Fitz and the world he operates in has exponentially increased and I know that will transform my experience of every book going forward. I really made sure to make myself slow down and read every word; absorb descriptions and just be in each moment without racing to the next one. Overall this book (and all the Fitz books) are much more concerned with the human condition and the effects of abuse and trauma and deep loneliness than being an epic fantasy. In fact it barely reads like fantasy at all; it’s incredibly grounded and focused. Of course the elements are there, but while Assassin’s Apprentice may not be as subversive as the rest of the series, it is certainly not generic fantasy. This book just feels alive to me now in a way it didn’t before against the rest of the series. I can regard it as a beautiful piece of the puzzle in its own right instead of just the setup. I wanna reiterate I always really liked Assassin’s Apprentice but it just paled in comparison to my unholy obsession with the rest of it. Idk this reread just really shifted a lot of things into perspective for me and I’m excited!!

Something you can’t believe you forgot

So so much but most ridiculous GALEN IS QUEEN DESIRE’S BASTARD am I dumb??? I didn’t even remember until it was explicitly stated lol

Favourite character introduction moments/scenes

It’s gotta be a tie between the Fool, Kettricken and Patience (realising there is a common theme here of Fitz making an idiot of himself). I genuinely was laughing so hard when Fitz is like, actively making himself smaller and so pleased with himself trying to help the Fool, and of course the Fool’s iconic “listen you idiot” ugh it’s just chef’s kiss baby, that’s what we in the biz call a meet-cute! (I know they have seen each other before, but this is the first time the Fool talks to Fitz). Then of course we have Kettricken who poisons Fitz at their first meeting, and Patience who Fitz continuously embarrasses himself in front of before even realising who she is. The fact that all three of these people end up being some of Fitz’s only genuinely loving relationships makes it even better.

Favourite character arcs

I think I’ve gotta go with Verity and Burrich. Verity goes from kind of a bloke’s bloke (he was so different in the beginning than I remembered!) to being a proper King-in-Waiting. He is self-sacrificial but not for pride; he genuinely cares deeply for his people, as a whole and as individuals, and will do anything it takes to protect them. He is far from perfect, and he could have done a lot more for Fitz when he was younger, but once Fitz is in his eyeline and he is confronted with the life the boy has led he seems suitably shamed and tries to do his best for him. He’s a good boy and I love him!

Burrich of course is just. unlucky. His health deteriorates due to injuries. He gets saddled with some kid and is burdened to bring him up to an impossible standard he has set himself (to not shame a man he has an impossibly high opinion of). He’s deprived of a job he loved and was good at, and most importantly he’s deprived of his boyfriend I mean lover I mean “master”.

His arc is not a happy one at all but it is compelling, and I can’t help but love him and feel for him despite also disagreeing with him on almost everything :)

Favourite quote/s

Unfortunately I don’t have any tabs atm so I couldn’t really keep track, but my heart exploded when Fitz said to the Fool after going into his room, “I wish I had a place that were as much me as that place is you.”

Favourite relationships

Fitz/Fool obviously. Even though they don’t have that many interactions in this book I loved every single one of them. The Fool volunteering to care for Smithy after Fitz has endured a long day of horrendous abuse is just!!!!! Kindness! What a concept! I could really see why they develop such a deep bond so quickly.

Fitz/Burrich is just so real and so compelling and it hurts me but I love it. Fitz/Chade breaks my heart bc Chade is manipulating his way into Fitz’s heart - I think without realising it a lot of the time bc he is lonely too, but the power imbalance is not okay when he is the centre of Fitz’s world for a long time and the closest thing he has to a friend. Knowing how Chade behaves not too much later just makes it even worse when he is so nice in this book because it just shows why Fitz has such a hard time being his own person and saying no to Chade ever.

Fitz/Verity for obvious reasons. Fitz/Hands!! They’re cute but it makes me sad that Hands betrays him in AQ. Weirdly I liked Fitz/Molly way more this time but more their friendship than anything. And next is Royal Assassin and their deeply toxic romance soooooo.

And Fitz and his puppies BUT WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT.

Favourite setting

Do yourself a favour and read the description of the Mountain Kingdom and specifically the palace. It is STUNNING and something I completely skimmed over the first time cos I’m a dumb idiot bitch I could have been picturing a city of huge colourful tulips all this time but fuck me I guess!!

Favourite chapter

As a rereader I think I’ve gotta say chapter one. There’s just so much to pick apart all crammed into one chapter. It still holds a lot of mystery even when you’ve read the entire series.

Most loved character

At this point I’ve gotta say Fitz. That’s who my heart is with during this book and he NEEDS IT

Most hated character

Okay I found Regal a much better villain on this read and hated him A LOT but whomst I despised even more w the very fibre of my being was Galen bitch disgusting!!!!!! Verity was so like, smug?? when he killed him and it was so satisfying. It’s what she deserves!!

Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimised by Robin Hobb (most heartbreaking and/or visceral moments)

Literally this whole book was so harsh and I was perpetually emo throughout but off the top of my head, Fitz’s depressive episode after Shrewd and Chade test his loyalty fricking broke me, as did the entirety of Galen’s abuse/training; since I was paying so much more attention this time it hit a lot harder that he is an absolute textbook abuser and the psychological torment he inflicts on Fitz is just. deeply upsetting to say the least. It really got under my skin.

Details, observations, spoilery notes made with the benefit of the full picture

Okay this is where I just dump all the notes I took while reading that don’t fit anywhere else. It’ll be long lol so strap in.

- It’s never not funny to me that Narrator Fitz comes across as like a hundred years old when in actuality he is like twenty. Also that he looks back on himself with such a sense of wisdom and superiority, yet we know there is dumbarsery aplenty to come. Amazing.

- I’ve never really registered that for the first six years of his life Fitz had a mother who loved him and I don’t know how to feel about that

- REVELATION THAT SEEMS REALLY OBVIOUS IN HINDSIGHT: Fitz most likely only spoke Chyurdan when he was abandoned, which would have played a huge role in why he was not only quiet but unresponsive to what was happening around him. He probably didn’t even understand that he wasn’t going to see his mother again until much later, and he didn’t know how to ask questions. When he goes to the Mountain Kingdom and Kettricken comments that he speaks Chyurdan like someone remembering the language he doesn’t comment on it, so it’s likely that future Fitz doesn’t register that he didn’t always speak Six Duchies(?). He mentions in the narration that the memory of being abandoned is incredibly stark but not necessarily reliable, and possibly shaped by the Skill, which to me opens up the possibility that his memory is essentially auto-translating for him things he didn’t understand at the time. We also know that at the time of writing this he’s given up his memories of his mother etc. up to the stone dragon, so obviously his recollections of these traumatic events are going to be warped by that. Anyway thanks to my sister for pointing this out and being much smarter than me.

- According to Fitz’s grandfather, Chivalry always knew about Fitz. Don’t know how trustworthy a man desperate to yeet his grandson out of his care is but there ya go.

- Weird and hilarious that Shrewd tries to see Fitz on the day he arrives but then just like. What? Forgets about him? For years? lol

- Chade literally tells Fitz that he is a king’s man now and that’s the most important thing about him YIKES

- Chade becomes the closest thing Fitz has to a friend for quite a long time and that is fucking depressing

- It’s interesting that Chade had to be convinced to teach Fitz. It’s hinted at that there was an ~incident~ the last time they tried to train someone, followed by a long period of Chade being left to rot in the walls.

- Not to be out here diagnosing fictional characters but like.Fitz. Literally has depression.

- Fitz having to turn down Fedwren’s offer of apprenticing for him is so sad. It’s the life Fitz should have had.

- The Fool’s non-binary gender is mentioned as early as Chapter Nine! (Published in 1995! We have no choice but to stan!)

- “So quickly we were all made accomplices in our own degradation.” OOF.

- I really realised this time that the reason Fitz seems so shit at things he trained his whole life for later is because all that training was interrupted by many months of isolation, deprivation and abuse. All at the age of like 13-14. He got out of the habit of subconsciously acting in a way that Burrich or Chade would approve of. For a long time the only person he needed approval from was Galen, and he became completely single-minded about it because that was his means of survival. And you don’t just recover from that - especially since neither Chade or Burrich would give him the time of day for an extended period *after* his training was done. When Chade did finally talk to him again it wasn’t to recommence training really; he just gave him a bunch of tasks to do. By the time Fitz got to the Mountain Kingdom he was completely out of practice, and still managed pretty bloody well in spite of it.

- Kind of related to the last point: I love that while Fitz isn’t a savant at anything he’s a pretty realistic jack of all trades. He not only has an aptitude for learning almost any skill or subject but a genuine broad curiosity too. It’s one of the few things that is just him, ya know? It’s just his personality and something he can find joy in, even if it does also factor into his being used by others.

- Imagine being Burrich and finding out that your son thought you were a dog murderer for like ten years lol ouch

- Fitz thinks about the Fool soooo often in the Mountain Kingdom, pointing out things that remind him of him, or things he would like. It’s v soft tbh I love them so much!!

- Another dumb thing I forgot is that Regal is convinced that Shrewd had Fitz poison his mother to death, which adds a rather important layer onto his motivations lol

Anyone doing a reread feel free to fill this out! You don’t have to use the tag :)

[catnippackets]

I’ve been typing and retyping this over and over again for the past few days mostly just for fun bc I like organizing things but a few ppl on twitter wanted to see it, so. Here’s my reasoning for who Lance’s endgame romance is with! I tried to make it as short as possible to hold ppl’s attention while still hitting the key points but it’s still kinda long oops. It’s pretty much just eliminating characters one by one until we’re left with the only possible option which I’m sure everybody knows before even looking under the cut but that’s just because it makes too much sense to be a mystery at this point lol

Also this probably goes without saying but this DOES contain spoilers for season 6 so if you haven’t watched it yet, proceed with caution.

Alright. Leggo.

Ok first off, there are 3 things we know for sure:

Lance is the only one with a confirmed endgame romance

Said romance is slowburn

He’s going to get what he needs rather than what he wants

Because we know it’s slowburn, aka SLOW and subtle and long to build up to, it has to be someone on the team since they’re the only reoccurring characters that he would have any time to build any kind of relationship with.

Shiro, Coran, and Pidge are automatically out cuz they’re not in the same age group which leaves Hunk, Allura, and Keith

Hunk has been in a “relationship” w Shay since season 1 and it’s been mentioned SO often by the writers/VAs, so it’s not him. Which leaves Allura or Keith as the only possible endgames for Lance. This makes sense, seeing as how they actually share quite a lot of similarities.

So let’s look at the Three Big Points for why it can’t possibly be Allura.

Allura/Lance is not slowburn. The literal first words Lance said to Allura were flirting words and his crush on her was always a big part of his character. The crew consistently drills in the fact that he has a crush on her at every given opportunity. This doesn’t fit with what a slowburn romance is. Slowburn means subtlety, and Allura/Lance is NOT subtle. It’s far too obvious.

Allura has never once shown interest in him and every time he flirts with her she’s dismissive, rolling her eyes, even once saying she felt ill. In season 6, the mice straight up told her that Lance liked her and when she found out her face fell and she said “oh…he said that…?” That is not the reaction of someone who’s happy about this news. This point isn’t saying “they won’t be endgame because she didn’t like him at first”, but rather stressing the fact that Allura has had 6 seasons to reciprocate Lance’s feelings and she hasn’t ONCE shown any hint of interest. An interesting scene to note is in episode one of season 6, where Lance takes a hit for her and literally dies for a second before Allura brings him back to life with her magic. They share a moment where they smile very tenderly at each other, and then later on it cuts to a split-screen view of them in their lions, where it shows Allura with an easy, casual smile on her face, and Lance blushing and hugging himself with a very dreamy look on his face. If they were going to be the endgame, THIS would have been the point where Allura would start to realize her feelings for him, but the writers made sure to show that while Lance was replaying the moment over and over again in his head and hugging himself thinking about it, Allura immediately put her game face back on and continued with her life. There is no doubt that she loves him as a friend, but she isn’t into him romantically. If they were to have them get together it would be a stale “boy flirts w girl even tho she doesn’t like him, girl eventually falls in love w him anyway” romance and the writers aren’t THAT shitty.

Allura is a princess of an alien world and a whole race of alien people. Her father and mother are both long dead, and she is the last surviving member of the royal family who could take the throne. In season 6, we find out that Allura & Coran are NOT the last surviving Alteans; there is a whole colony of Alteans out there without a leader, who need a queen. When the war is over Allura is going to step up and become the queen, and spend the rest of her life working to rebuild her planet and culture and help her people grow and survive. Lance, on the other hand, is obviously going to want to go back to earth when the war is all over; he’s shown on multiple occasions to be homesick to the point of crying about it (in fact he’s the ONLY paladin from earth who actually seems to miss it at all), and he misses his family SO much. No matter how much he loves Allura, he won’t choose her over his family, and Allura is definitely not going to give up on the last surviving members of her race to settle down on earth with Lance.

So in conclusion, it’s not Allura, which leaves Keith as the only available option which I know you saw coming but here are the high points anyway because there is literally TOO much evidence to bring up when it comes to klance:

Keith was introduced to us through Lance’s eyes in a very dramatic, significant way

Keith and Lance’s meeting parallel Keith’s parents meeting

they are SO alike and so equal with no kind of power imbalance between them at all

Lance & Keith’s rivalry has been continuously stressed by the crew and the VAs for ages; in fact, it’s arguably the relationship in the show that’s talked about the most

the flashbacks that showed Krolia and Keith’s father falling in love and settling down showed us that Krolia wanted to stay on earth, until she was forced to leave so she could protect her family. she and Keith found each other again, and when the war is over, there is no doubt in my mind that she and him will want to settle down together on earth to be a family again

every time there is a scene in the astral plane there are two very obvious stars that stick out in the background, that are different from the others; one of them is blue, and one of them is red. they don’t blend in naturally with the rest of the environment. they immediately stand out. there’s no reason for them to be there in the first place unless it were foreshadowing something very subtley

there was a scene in season 1 where they HELD HANDS AND SMILED SOFTLY AT EACH OTHER UNDER SOFT PURPLE LIGHTING, that same moment was brought up again in the next episode, and one of the writers has confirmed that Lance did in fact remember it, but that he wasn’t emotionally ready to acknowledge it yet. If you took out that moment, the entire show would have continued on like nothing had ever happened so WHAT WAS THE POINT OF PUTTING IN SUCH A BLATANTLY ROMANTIC SCENE AND THEN SAYING LANCE WASN’T EMOTIONALLY READY TO DEAL WITH IT if it’s not going to lead anywhere?

(the point is that klance is cannon king)

And if you want more proof and have a few hours to spare then you’re gonna wanna read my buddy Keith’s post which goes into much more intimate detail about why Keith is Lance’s love interest. It’s 50k words of nothing but the facts!

THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT

[tinkdw]

Have you noticed a trend or a pattern like certain ships or ship dynamics attracting certain kinds of people? Im not trying to start wank. Im curious bc ALL my rl friends ship my notps like Bill & Sookie over Eric & Sookie. Bangel over Spuffy. Bibro over destiel. And since I have emotional/mental problems, i worry its me bc Im drawn to or I romanticize dysfunctional unhealthy relationships. (Btw my fave Spuffy argument is how Angelus and Spike viewed their souls. A curse vs atonement)

Hi :)

Firstly I want to say please don’t worry about things you like! If you like it you like it, unless it’s causing you or someone else harm it’s all good :)

Yes I have noticed a link, I’ve been discussing it recently actually with friends, how there seems to (generally not always but generally) be a Bangel/Sookie x Bill/Wincest divide v Spuffy/Sookie x Eric/Destiel in shippers.

It comes down to why you like things I guess and it does totally make sense to like either an obvious 

1.Bangel/Sookie x Bill/Wincest: “first love” or just... first on screen, kind of thing that is quite soulmate-y and including a power imbalance, a kind of “save me prince charming” thing, dark and exciting to watch, the word I hate passionate where what it really means is emotionally abusive and even quite depreciative, with an element of one (usually the woman) being young, naive and wide eyed (the kind of thing that often is pushed on teenage stories because “teenage girls love this” well yeah cos it’s all we got when I was a teen and urgh no more thank you! I’m looking at you Twilight/50 shades! I don’t want this for my teenage girl if I have one!).

versus 

2. Spuffy/Sookie x Eric/Destiel: something that is much more long term in coming, takes shape over time, is deep in the narrative, ends up being really quite healthy in terms of real life comparisons with a more equal power balance, making the “male figure” far more soft and giving the “female figure” more power in a het relationship and in a same sex still with a similar meeting in the middle concept, giving them more agency in the relationship (especially the woman when it’s het as usually she’s younger and in awe of the first boyfriend but older and more world wise by the time it comes to the second), giving her far more choice in the matter, totally not soulmate-y at all but about them growing up.

This is just a random person opinion, based on what I’ve seen. Though I have spoken to people where we discussed the way Buffy/Angel as shows finished around the time SPN started and how the exact same online dialogue and terms - eg “delusional”, “unhealthy”, “pandering” “the show is going to shit” - started coming about in SPN fandom and clearly were the same people who were just as vile about SPN as they were Buffy/Angel so I do think there is a clear link as well as the one I had already noted psychologically:

https://tinkdw.tumblr.com/post/171169423912/rahirah-tesla1321-tinkdw-i-wonder-if-the

[level2janitor]

in all seriousness i looked over the new playtest and i'm just. really unimpressed. a ton of one-step-forward-two-steps-back here

(referring to the rogue/ranger/bard playtest that just came out at time of writing)

losing class-specific spell lists and making all casters prepared is just such a massive downgrade. homogenizing everything for no real benefit. it's not even simpler for new players this way - just looking over a big list of "here's all the bard spells you can take" is way more convenient than sifting through all arcane spells and sorting out everything from a school you can't cast

overall i just find a lot of it really bland and kinda unintuitive. and just incredibly aimless. like so many of these changes seem arbitrary and un-asked-for and not directed at any sort of actual problem?

like they've tightened up a lot of the wording to get rid of exploits and unintended interactions but they haven't like... replaced that with anything. most martial feats are still not great and there's still a few obvious best ones (polearm master is a half feat now apparently). so it's still basically in the same spot but with less potential for synergistic combinations, and martials are still generally lacking in options and will all gravitate towards a few specific combinations if they want to be more effective. that's a problem with 5e that they could've tried to address here, but just... didn't

then they buffed war caster so it's a half-feat and added a feat that lets you go from no armor to medium armor and shields. so with one feat, any caster can effectively go from caster AC to martial AC. it's even a 1st-level feat so you can get it from your background. take that at 1st-level and then war caster at 4th-level and it'll boost your casting attribute too. it's such a strong option that outshines basically everything else if you're playing a caster, to the point that if you're in a party with an optimized caster and an unoptimized one, you're really going to feel that power gap

my overall impression is that wotc isn't interested in fixing most of the problems with their game, and their idea of what needs fixing seems really weird. what was wrong with class-specific spell lists? what was wrong with spells-known casting? why take away more of martials' toys and then not really add any new ones? they slightly shuffled around which weapon styles are the best (dual wielding is now broken and great weapons got nerfed into the ground) but the resulting situation isn't any better designed than it was before

their idea of "imbalance" seems to be mechanics that are fun or unique (did you like that thief rogues could use items as a bonus action? that was fun and unique! they can't now bc we can't have nice things i guess) are a balance issue while drastic power gaps between supposedly on-level abilities either isn't a problem for them, or is something they're just really bad at catching or fixing

wizards of the coast designing a new edition of D&D

[gggoblin]

i said this to someone days ago (over the course of a couple days) after a lengthy multi-day conversation we had regarding our lives, our relationship, and specifically some things i had learned while on a social hiatus this month. (for fun i’ll point out that i’m an aries sun, virgo moon, gemini mars, taurus venus, aries mercury, cancer rising, aquarius saturn, aquarius dominant. they’re a libra sun, capricorn moon, libra mars, sagittarius venus, virgo mercury, capricorn saturn.) they haven’t responded to anything i’ve said so this is literally the end of the convo. my optimism turned to realism rather quickly and i realized this was an unintentional break up. not in the traditional sense, but a very specific kind of ending. i recently realized how to stop holding myself back, and now i can no longer allow other people to hold me back either. i’m posting this as a reminder, not some kind of call out. this was directed towards them, but it’s also a letter to myself as well as everyone else i know. these words were several years overdue to both them and myself. i’ve been holding back on my honesty so i’m posting this with all of its out-of-context glory to share some of the light and help whoever can relate or wants to take anything from it. opting out of a read more so forgive me por favor. excuse the typos and shitty grammar. down to clarify anything that seems confusing. life is good ~

your ego is intolerable and the source of probably all of your problems. you suffocate meaningful conversations with your ulterior motives. you’re not as open as you think you are. you admitted to being unloving inside. you cannot be both unloving and open. your desire for me to open up may have been genuine, but the intent behind that has been mostly self-serving. you like to use me to feed your ego as well as ease you into finally acknowledging just how enslaved you really are. everything is a learning opportunity so the benefits i’ve experienced from this have been strictly coincidence. possibly even luck. i’m not mad, just aware. i know how proud you are that you indirectly help others. that you can manage it being the way that you are. but pride fuels the ego. i know you’ve got a thing for small, harmful pleasures. we’ve all got addictions. the only reason why you recognized the power of my anxiety is bc you experienced it yourself. still currently experiencing. all we can provide to others is what we experience, what we encounter, what we know for certain. it’s important to share who we are and i’m glad that you do that instinctively. but you’ve assumed a lot of inaccurate things about me. things you’ve projected onto me because they are all you know. you don’t understand my personal experience the same way i don’t understand yours. but you feel the need to define me regardless bc that’s what makes you feel safe and secure. being in control. having answers. being right. it makes it impossible for you to fully receive my openness. it makes it impossible for you to trust me as an individual existing outside of the limits of your mind and ego. i made this same mistake in a way. i projected key aspects of who i am onto you. i assumed the level of your inner compassion and have treated you accordingly. assuming you understood things in a way that you actually don’t. shouldn’t have done that. it only limited communication between us. anyway, i understand that i have no idea how to help you solve your problems in the way that you need me to because that’s unknown territory for me. you can get lucky and learn from me, but there’s no order in chance. no method or process. just effort and hope. hopefully this helps you realize the same. you can’t help me bc you don’t understand who i actually am. and you can’t until you figure yourself out some more. same goes for me. again, you did not help me in the way that you believe you did. i can’t stress that enough. but the possibility remains of us eventually syncing up. maybe you already understood that. maybe you already understood all of this. it took me a second to work it out emotionally but sharing now seems like the right thing to do just in case you didn’t realize what was happening. barriers exist for a reason. they are the proof of imbalance. but i wholeheartedly believe we’ll both get our shit together eventually.....well i believe that unless martyrdom is your only real passion in life. if that’s what you have love for, that will be your quest and your legacy. personally i’m interested in something much more complex. something with an infinite number of continually expanding dimensions. if that’s where your heart really is, you’ll always be a dead end for me and i a dead end for you. a cul-de-sac. purposeful but limiting. just another possibility i realized. cool either way. interacting with you always reminds me of just how peaceful my reality is. everything is clear before and after i interact with you. your ego literally sucks the life out of me. it encourages me to not be myself. it’s the opposite of kindness. i can’t help but fight against it. that’s why i stick around. but it’s a battle i can’t win. that’s why i shut down. but again once i’m free to be myself, fighting again doesn’t seem like such a dumb idea. pointing out all the ways the ego can control someone seems like a really smart idea actually. your ego makes you all talk. not only with your ideas and goals, but also literally you never stop talking you never slow down. you always have something to say. some answer or explanation for everything. no concern over how quarter-assed it may be. a clear sign of being afraid of not knowing not having all the answers. when we talk, i’m quick to say i’m confused or don’t understand of don’t know something. i try not to lie to myself about those things bc i know it hinders growth. & i know you notice how often i do these things bc i’ve watched it frustrate you. us not being on the same page. not only with my curiosity though. happens when i disagree also. the “lack of connection” aka lack of confirmation. you literally hate me when i’m not supportive of your ego. that lazy blind faith ideal you’re so obsessed with. you’re so afraid of being wrong. so afraid of being seen as a loser. so insecure about someone else being ahead of you when the competition you’ve signed up for doesn’t even exist. you’re obsessed with winning and being superior. it’s more of a priority than reaching the truth. this has been so obvious. everything is a threat to you. you’re so afraid of the world. you said it yourself. the world is full of danger. it’s peak paranoia. i understand your panic and mania so much more now. i can/could relate to so much of this but there have been clear difference between us. sometimes i’ve wanted to tell you to calm down but i know that would only intensify your feelings. i tried to help by being gentle and nice and loving but that only made things worse. i tried to be direct and tell you that you’re good enough regardless of what’s going on inside of you or what you’ve done, but you’ve never believed me. just used these things against me bc you’re dependent on your ego. life without it scares you. you said the way i am goes against everything that you are. that’s true. your aggressive method went against all that i am. but that changed. i opened myself up and now it’s a part of me. your ego is never going to allow you to give anything other than what you already are a chance. i can barely imagine how frustrating that must be for your soul. don’t think i’m judging you bc i get it. it’s heavy and help from an outside source probably doesn’t exist. you’re the only one who can kill your ego and fighting yourself is hell. no judgement. i understand why you always told me i had it easier than you. everything is harder when your ego prevents you from giving love. so much you can’t feel and therefore so much you can’t learn. so many ways you can’t grow. all of this was so obvious when you decided to spend our entire conversation talking about yourself and how i was wrong and why you were right and how much more you knew. you never even took a second to be happy for me. my life has been getting better every day and you’re not even interested. you were barely interested in what i contributed to the conversation. you felt comfortable continuing our conversation even though you hadn’t read all those texts i sent. you have no idea what i could have said to you. but you didn’t find it important. nothing could have been important enough to you. as long as you’re being ruled by your ego, everyone will always just be pawns to you. you talk about all the ways you’ve made others’ lives better. how damaged they were and how you cured them. you rarely mention learning from others. no significant benefits to experience from those beneath you, right? you never bring up how other people have dealt with things when you try to give me advice. everything comes from you. no other examples. seems like you’ve collected nothing from others. nothing you trust. nothing that could be more informative than what you’ve experienced. your speech, your experiences, your gratitude, your kindness, all of it. so egocentric. it’s a little different when you’re with people and sober. a different kind of social anxiety. you’re afraid of physically feeling how much your ego is hated. you’re afraid of picking up those vibes bc you wont be able to just run away from them. you don’t want to be confronted so you have to tone it down and play nice. but in text or when you’re drunk/fucked up, you feel safe. you can hide. in text you can be as real as you want. when you’re intoxicated, everything can just seem like a joke or a mistake. an excuse to be irresponsible. your ego is such a coward. and it honestly believes it’s being real and open. you are so full of deceit. you honestly believe this is attractive? that you’re better this way? more functional? more productive? cooler? more respected? more confident? you’re lying to yourself more than you’re lying to everyone else. you know all of this. you know you could be so much more. you know you could feel more. do more. give more. take more. you’re just afraid of the struggle. you’re afraid of truly being vulnerable and having to find new ways to be okay in this big scary universe. you assume the unknown is going to feel worse than anything you’ve already felt. but the truth is it wont. it’s going to feel like real brutal happiness. real freedom. not just freedom of expression. freedom in all areas. it’s going to be light even when it’s heavy. because it’s going to be infinitely better than being limited by your ego. it will be a new addiction but an actually healthy one. i know there’s a good chance none of this will affect you. i’m not even assuming you’ll actually read all of this. i’m still mindful of time. you’ll get where you’re going when you’re supposed to. but i care so i have to say something. i have to try to help you however i can but i also have to make sure you understand you can’t fuck around with me anymore. if i don’t get offended, i wont feel guilty. if i don’t feel guilty, i wont feel like a failure. if i don’t feel like a failure, i wont be blinded by my own ego. and if i’m not blinded by my own ego, i can see everything clearly. if you don’t change anytime soon, i can see you becoming consumed by the hate you feel for me and everything that i am. you wont want to talk to me anymore if i don’t give you what you want. i wont mind if it happens. i wont be upset and i wont judge you. my love for you has never been conditional. i’ll still be here in some way if you ever see things differently. maybe it’s also important to acknowledge that i see that you’re trying. i can’t remember if i addressed that or not. i notice when you’re making attempts. they’re confirmation that a you beyond your ego exists. the real you is real. you are seen. i guess i now understand your smoking dependency too. maybe it really does help you feel things you can’t otherwise. maybe it makes you feel like the person you really are beyond your ego. i never judged you for that but i never fully understood the importance either bc i projected my feelings onto you. just seemed like a shortcut. but i get it now. maybe if we both smoked, we really would have synced up and everything would have seemed so easy and peaceful. you know, if we only interacted when we had smoked. but we would have learned nothing. that finish line would have been the starting line. there are no shortcuts on a circle. we just wouldn’t have moved at all. we would have missed everything. the whole journey. the whole cycle. but i understand the appeal. definitely seems a hell of a lot better than suffering and being separated. but things aren’t always as they seem. i still think this is way better and way more satisfying. the higher the goal, the harder the struggle.