#bc there's a screaming pain in my chest and i can't function
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#sometimes. most times. if i cant articulate things properly i feel like my heads gonna explode. which is unfortunate bc i have the#language is hard brain problems. my neurology makes articulation difficult. but i try reguardless. which is sometimes. most times.#exhausting. that words gets thrown around a lot when i describe the patterns of my thoughts. exhausting. and it is i guess. tho id say its#more annoying and frustrating. but maybe its also exhausting. hard to tell when its how u think. but ive been reading a lot of papers this#weekend. enjoying the papers i read. papers about photosynthesis at the edge of habitability. about genetis and the structure and functions#of proteins. and the learning curve is steep but im learning bit by bit. and it just sorta makes me sad bc the way that my brain works has#so damaged the way that i interact with the world and i can see it at every step of my academic career. i dont even kno what to say abt the#past 2 years of my life. from where i stand now its just a black hole of self destruction. y did i do that? i dunno. at the time i was just#following the arbitrary rules and restrictions laid out for me within my head. did these rules have a rational basis? no. not usually. but#thats how it had to be. exhausting. but even then i coukd sometimes see thru to the wonder. and it was agony bc i wasnt allowed to think#abt it. its still agony now but i can feel it more often. maybe that's what happiness is to me. to be so full of wonder that i cant take it#i cant exist in that state or id b nonfunctional. its too big for my chest. it makes me want to scream and weep and pull at my hair. and#and its maddening bc i cant articulate it properly. except to call upon media short hands. there is wonder here. a nightmarish description#but not always. sometimes it was beautiful. theres a reason ive read annihilati0n 5 times despite hating the book. theres a reason i rewatch#the terror nearly once a month. to find beauty in a thing that causes you such terror and pain. theres something about it i can't find the#words for and its driving me nuts. exhausting. but so it goes#unrelated
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