#bc the first draft had a HMMM confrontation that i didn't like but i think its all g now and i prefer it a whole lot more

[fullmetalscullyy]

the way it was - chapter 34

summary: what if riza never went to war? riza hawkeye has just married the man she loves. six months into their marriage, an unexpected surprise stops her from following roy to the military. a canon divergence au that explores what might have happened had riza been unable to join the military. there will be plenty of family fluff, angst, and royai.

rated: m | warnings: no archive warning apply

read on ao3

1914

and though my edges may be rough

i never feel i'm quite enough

it may not seem like very much

but i'm yours

Roy’s home office was quiet. Riza poked her head in after putting Mia to bed to ask if he needed anything while he worked. Currently Roy was sitting in his chair, both hands clenched into fists and resting upon his cheeks. A blank stare looked up the paper in front of him while his hair stood up on end in places. One strand pointed outwards, straight towards Riza, like a long finger beckoning her into the room. Given his current state of appearance, she would have entered regardless.

It was the last week of the year. A new one would begin with the next and while it was normally a joyous celebration in their household, Riza felt nothing but foreboding.

The homunculus’ plan would be set in motion in the new year. Roy knew that much but didn’t have a definite date. The thought twisted Riza’s stomach violently, making her fear for her children’s future.

“It’s coming soon, isn’t it?”

Snapping from whatever had clouded his thoughts, Roy’s head jerked upwards. He blinked at her, looking worse for wear. “What?” His throat was cleared as he recovered from being a million miles away. The papers on his desk were slowly sorted and shuffled into piles.

Riza entered the room and walked around his desk. “Whatever you’re planning for, it’s coming soon.”

“It is.” His shoulders slumped even more, rounding forwards.

Riza perched on the edge of his desk and crossed her arms over her chest as she studied him closely. Her eyes narrowed to scrutinise his appearance while he was distracted. 

His counterattack was clearly taking its toll. Everything was weighing him down and it was beginning to show. His shoulders drooped. There were dark circles underneath his eyes, leaving them look bruised. Even his hair hung limp over his eyes - the result of him running his hands through it so often.

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

A tired, but appreciative, smile was shot her way. “I wish there was but… It all depends on the answers I get back from others. Right now it’s just a waiting game until I’m essentially summoned by the homunculi,” he scoffed lightly.

Roy tipped backwards in his chair. His face lifted towards the ceiling while his hands rubbed at tired eyes. Riza felt a wave of sympathy wash over her.

“Any news on the others?”

“Increased strength from our enemies in the south,” Roy swallowed. “Fuery was sent right into the middle of it.”

Riza reached forward and squeezed his shoulder in comfort. She hated hearing how hoarse his voice sounded.

“Havoc’s fine but he’s feeling frustrated,” Roy continued, making an already neat pile of paper even neater. He just needed something to distract his hands with. “He’s stuck in a position he shouldn’t even be in. Breda’s gone dark. I don’t know where or how he is.”

“Breda will be okay,” Riza reassured with confidence. “He’s one of the most resourceful men I’ve ever met. There will be a good reason for him going quiet, I’m sure.”

Roy nodded weakly. “Falman reported from the north. The Elric brothers came and went. It… wasn’t without incident,” he added carefully, with a frown.

Riza shook her head fondly but still felt worry coil around her ribs. Judging from stories about their previous adventures, it rarely was a peaceful encounter with them. She just hoped they were all right.

“But they’ve been split up.” Roy bit his lip worriedly. “We lost contact after that.”

“You need sleep,” Riza murmured, running a hand through his hair.

“How can I sleep when everything is like this?”

“How can you expect to fight it all when you’re extremely sleep deprived,” she countered.

Maes’ night habits had eased as time progressed. They were both getting more sleep. He had the odd day where it was a struggle, but nothing compared to his first few weeks after birth. That was a nightmare that passed by in such a blur Riza barely remembered it. However, they still had some catching up to do. Looking after him and Mia was difficult to juggle, especially with Roy working so much. They’d still to find a routine that worked and were slowly easing into something that was relatively manageable.

Roy muttered something quietly underneath his breath.

“It’s because you know I’m right.” Riza nudged his shoulder affectionately with a closed fist.

“Yeah, yeah,” he grumbled.

“Is there anything I can help with tonight, if you’re not going to come to bed? Anything I can get you?”

“I don’t know,” was his honest reply. If anything, it made him sound even more tired. “I just…” His hands found his hair, gripping onto the strands tightly in frustration. “I need action,” he mumbled.

“There’s nothing you can do this late at night, Roy.”

“There is. There’s plenty I can be doing, but I’m stuck here.”

Her hands folded together to rest atop her thighs. “Bradley has a tight leash on you still?”

Roy nodded. “I’m not to leave the city. Otherwise…” His expression turned stricken, quickly glancing up at her.

“I understand.”

“I hate it.”

“I do too. Especially when it’s upsetting you… But, you can’t be the hero all the time, Roy. Give yourself a little break, because you really need it. The Elric brothers will be okay. They have allies throughout the country. They’re not short on people who will help them if they need it.”

“Yes, but –” He sighed heavily.

“But it’s not you?” Riza guessed, and she was right.

Roy nodded minutely.

“You sound like their father.”

Roy scoffed once, twice, then snapped his mouth shut without a reply.

Riza grinned at him.

“I keep replaying the same thing over and over in my head, the more I look at this…”

Glancing over her shoulder at his desk, Riza saw the mess of notes still spread over the surface. A drawing of the ouroboros tattoo caught her eye, followed by a map of the country, covered in scribbles and notes. A map of Central was there too, the same one she’d seen at the hospital when Roy and Havoc were there. It had all the labs circled on it, the ink slightly smudged and the paper crumpled at the edges.

“What’s on your mind?”

His spine straightened as he took a deep breath. It was held in his lungs for a beat, before rushing outwards with his speech. “Hughes.”

Momentarily thrown, her eyes wandered off to the side, no longer focussing on his work.

“When it comes down to it, I’m going to have to ask them,” he admitted.

“Ask what?” Her head slowly turned to face him. Riza’s stomach dropped as she watched his jaw set in determination.

“Ask if they killed Hughes.”

“You’re going to do it outright?” Riza swallowed past the lump in her throat. “That’s –”

“It’s the only way I’ll get a straight answer,” he replied firmly.

“Roy…”

“I have to ask. I have to know. I can’t stand back and do nothing about it.”

Riza balked at his forceful tone and the action caught his eye.

“What?”

“I just - Roy we talked about this,” she replied. She was almost pleading with him.

“I know, but I still have to ask them, Riza. When it all boils down to it I have to find out. The military has already buried the truth but I won’t let that happen to Hughes. He will have justice.”

She felt like rubbing her temples but stopped herself. Riza’s head tipped down to look at her joined hands. She squeezed them tightly as she tried to keep a hold on all the emotions roiling inside of her.

They killed for Hughes for pushing too hard. They’d do the same to Roy eventually, even if he was important to them. Or do it to her. He had to play by their rules and keep the peace. If he didn’t, then…

“I can’t stop you from asking.” She tried to make her voice strong and even but it shook slightly. “I don’t want you to but I can’t stop you.”

Riza stood from leaning against his desk and walked towards the door. She needed some air. Desperately. The anxiety and fear that was creeping over her was getting worse. It was like her chest was being squeezed inside a vice.

“They can’t get away with what they did –”

Roy was indignant as he called after her but they’d already gone through all of this. Riza felt something begin to break inside of her chest as she clenched her fists by her side. Her nails dug into her palms painfully, but she barely noticed as she retreated from him.

“We’re not arguing about this again,” she nearly growled. The control was slipping the more the vice squeezed on her chest. It almost felt like she couldn’t breathe.

“Arguing,” Roy echoed. “Who said there was anything to argue about?”

“We’ve been through this Roy and I’m not doing it again,” Riza snapped, spinning around to face him. One finger lifted to point at Roy’s chest. “I’m not going through all of that after it was put to bed already. You’re not getting revenge,” she stated simply.

Roy’s eyes narrowed slightly at her, tightening around the edges. Before, it may have made Riza pause, but now she felt no hesitation. Because this wasn’t just anger at the injustice Maes and his family suffered. It was hatred too. Riza could see it clearly in his eyes. It was directed towards those who had murdered his friend. She wouldn’t let him give in to it.

“Riza –” He was almost seething but Riza would not let that talk or that behaviour fly now.

“Stop it,” she growled.

Riza stormed out of his office. She was getting worked up and needed to remove herself from the situation.

He couldn’t give in to that hatred.

In her mind’s eye Riza pictured their children. Their perfect, innocent faces smiling happily. Their expressions twisted in horror when they were told about what their father had done in memory of their beloved Uncle Maes. If she brought them up now, would they be enough for Roy to see sense?

“You can’t tell me not to do anything. I have to know.”

“That’s fine,” she relented. “But exacting justice, Roy? By your own hand? We’ve been through this –”

“And are you going to stop me? Would you stop me tonight if I left to do it?”

It was a challenge but it still pissed her off. She wouldn’t back down from it either. Instead she glared at him after he asked the question.

“You can fucking bet I would stop you,” she hissed. “You are not to get revenge for Hughes’ murder,” she forced out. “You can ask them, sure, but I will not let you take the matter into your own hands and perform your own punishment. That’s not who you are and you’re better than that.” Riza shook her head. “The man that would do that is not my husband.”

“Mummy?”

Mia’s voice sounded from behind them. She was impossibly quiet and sounded extremely upset.

Riza whirled around and saw Mia standing on the second step. Her hand gripped the banister in a white knuckled grip. Her eyes were wide with tears pooling in them as they switched between Riza and Roy.

“Daddy?”

Riza shot him a warning glance, telling him to shut up, but also telling him that their conversation wasn’t over. She noted Roy’s stricken face. However there was still an ember of his plight present in his eyes. Riza would be more than happy to continue this later but only once Mia was asleep and they were both calmer.

“Mia? What are you doing up?” Riza’s voice was soft as she approached their daughter. Crouching before her, Riza became eye-level with Mia and readjusted her pyjama top. One shoulder had slipped over to one side haphazardly.

“I…” She bit her lip, casting her gaze to the side worriedly. “I heard you both shouting.”

Riza’s gut twisted painfully. Her breath caught in her throat as she sucked it in.

“I didn’t like it.”

Guilt flooded Riza. Regardless of the topic of conversation, they should have been quieter. “Sorry, Mia Bear. Dad and I were just having a discussion.” Riza ran her hand over Mia’s hair and cupped her cheek to try and soothe her.

“You were very loud.”

Riza hugged her daughter, placing a hand on the back of her head so it rested against Riza’s shoulder. “Sorry. We didn’t mean to be.”

“Will Daddy really leave tonight?” Her head cocked to the side before looking over Riza’s shoulder at Roy. “It’s really late. And what does revenge mean?”

Mia didn’t know the meaning of the word. There was no way she should either. She was too young. It would only upset her if it was explained.

Riza prided herself on always telling her daughter the truth and explaining things as best as she was able, but this was not one of those times. It would only upset her. Plus, Riza would never let Roy stoop so low to that anyway.

“No,” Riza reassured, pulling away and cupping her daughter’s face gently in both hands. “He’s not going anywhere tonight.”

“What does that word mean?”

She was far too inquisitive for her own good. Once again, Riza brushed it aside. It pained her to do so because her father did that with her mother’s condition and ultimately, her death. She’d sworn she’d never do it to a child of her own if that ever came to pass, but she had no time at the moment to describe the intricacies of the word and what that meant her father might possibly do if pushed hard enough.

She and Roy needed to talk. Badly.

“I’ll tell you tomorrow, okay?” Riza smoothed her daughter’s unruly hair down. Despite her fringe being styled like Riza’s and her hair falling below her shoulders, it reminded Riza so much of Roy’s hair. It still had a mind of its own and didn’t obey any laws of physics or hairspray.

Mia yawned. “Okay,” she mumbled, appeased for the moment.

Riza hoped that by the morning, she’d forgotten about her mother’s promise.

“Up to bed with you now, okay?” Riza smiled at Mia. “I’ll come and tuck you in.”

Mia looked over at Roy. Without warning, she hopped down the last two steps and rushed over to her father. He’d been staring straight ahead, stricken, but Roy jumped in fright when Mia’s arms slung around his torso. He looked down at her face. One cheek was pressed into his stomach as she squeezed her eyes closed tightly in her hug. Riza watched with a pained chest as Mia’s hands fisted in his t-shirt.

“I love you, Daddy,” Mia whispered into his stomach, giving him an even tighter squeeze.

“Time for bed, Mia,” Riza called gently, her voice hoarse.

Mia nodded and smiled up at her father. A wobbly smile overtook his face and he nodded.

“Love you too, Mia,” Roy whispered. It was as quiet as a breath. “So much.”

“Come on, Mia.” Riza extended her hand for her daughter to take.

“Will Dad be okay?” Mia bit her lip worriedly, looking over her shoulder at him.

“He’ll be fine.” Riza shot him a look, noticing him swallow thickly as he stared after them both. She couldn’t be sure from the distance between them, but it looked like that ember in his eyes had fizzled out. “I’ll talk to him when I come back down.”

“Okay,” Mia whispered.

Their daughter walked ahead, up the stairs and out of sight.

“Think about one thing,” Riza stated quietly. “If you do go ahead with your own brand of justice, is that the father you want to be?” Her voice was flat as she asked her question. “Is that the home you want to build with actions like that?”

Roy had been staring after Mia, and finally, his eyes settled on her. A breath was sucked into his chest, the movement shaky as his chest heaved loudly.

They would talk but Mia was more important at the moment.

Turning away from him, not bothering to wait on an answer, Riza walked up the stairs to their daughter’s room. She ignored how heavy her footsteps were. It matched the heavy weight in her heart. As she ascended, she just prayed she wouldn’t hear their front door close. Her breath had been held as she climbed slowly. The exhale was quiet, but she heard no sound from the floor below. No door slammed and no floorboards creaked with movement.

Mia first.

“Sleep well, Mia.” Riza tucked her daughter into bed tightly and bent forward, pressing a kiss to her nose. Mia giggled and sighed happily.

“Night, Mum,” she mumbled tiredly.

The house was silent when Riza descended back down the stairs. She had hoped and prayed Roy wouldn’t leave tonight, but as she searched their house and he was nowhere to be found. Tears flooded her vision. Blinking them away, Riza’s footsteps were heavy once more as she made her way to bed.

She hadn’t been able to get through to him. Again.

However, Riza’s thought was banished from her head when she passed by Maes’ room. The door was cracked open which made her panic slightly. She’d left it wide open so she’d be able to hear him through the night if he woke.

Roy was bouncing Maes in the centre of the room. He was fussing quietly, one fist flailing above his head as Roy tried to settle him. His back was to the door as he stared down at their son. Riza heard a sniff and her heart broke.

“I’m sorry, Maes,” Roy whispered against their son’s head. He moved to kiss his forehead. “I’ve hurt her again. I let my emotions run away with me and…” Roy sighed and Riza heard his breathing hitch. “And I would’ve hurt you and your sister too if I’d gone through with everything. I would have been a big disappointment. You’d have thought me a monster,” he gasped quietly. “I’m so sorry.”

Fresh tears appeared in Riza’s eyes. She backed away from the door to give Roy some time alone to process and deal with everything. Despite feeling exhausted after their discussion, a tiny sliver of hope coiled its way around Riza’s ribs. They still needed to talk but witnessing that scene was a promising start.

Once in bed, Riza pulled the sheet up and underneath her chin. She curled into a ball, back to the door, as she waited for Roy to come to bed. Fatigue was threatening to pull her under. Riza fought it as best she could but eventually it tugged hard enough.

She was dozing when Roy slipped into the bed. Disorientated, her body jerked as she was pulled roughly from the half-asleep state she’d been fallen into. Settling down, Riza’s eyes blinked open and she grew still, listening to his movements. From what she could tell, he was on his back.

Roy sighed, a long drawn out sound, then scoffed in disgust. Riza felt the bed dip as he rolled towards her. She held her breath. Her shoulder tingled in anticipation when she saw the shadow of his hand hovering over it, but ultimately he pulled away before he could touch her.

“Are you awake?” His whisper broke through the loud silence of the room.

Riza nodded.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, sounding defeated and miserable.

“I thought you might really leave,” Riza admitted.

“I did it once.” She heard him swallow, then pull away from her completely. Her back felt cold now that his presence was no longer there. “I won’t make that same mistake twice.”

She rolled over to face him. “You’re willing to talk about this?” Riza searched his gaze, almost begging him to reconsider dealing with the whole thing by himself.

Roy nodded, staring up at the ceiling. Both hands scrubbed at his face before falling back to his sides, his limbs heavy. “Of course. But… I’ve made my decision.”

Riza stiffened and Roy noticed. He turned his head to finally face her.

“I’m staying,” he reassured. “And… And seeing your face, that look on it, and hearing Mia’s scared voice…” Roy swallowed, glancing away, unable to look at her. “I took one look at little Maes and… Everything just fell away.”

“Because big Maes wouldn’t want you to do it either,” Riza whispered.

“Big Maes?” Roy barked a laugh, filling the quiet room with his sudden amusement.

Riza smiled wryly. “I thought that might make you laugh.”

“It did. Big Maes and Little Maes…” Roy shook his head fondly. His amusement flickered out, replaced by quiet contemplation. “The perfect combo,” he smiled sadly. “I thought it might be too strange naming him after Hughes.” Roy swallowed. “Just one look at him and it’s like he’s really here,” he admitted.

Riza reached over to make first contact, brushing his fringe away from his forehead. Her thumb swiped over the skin underneath once to comfort him. 

“I don’t think of him as Hughes, obviously,” Roy reassured, “but… It’s like a connection to him.” He turned his head to look at her. “Does that make sense?”

She nodded. “It does. I’m glad we got through to you. Maes always could talk you down so easily.”

“You do it so much better, though,” Roy sighed, rolling and wrapping his arms around her shoulders. He shifted over, moving so she was flush against his bare chest.

“Really?”

“You think you don’t?” His hold on her tightened.

“There was a time when I did –”

“When?” He pulled away to look down at her with such concern on his face.

Riza shook her head. “It doesn’t matter –”

“It does. When?”

“When you first came back from Ishval. You were struggling a lot and I felt I couldn’t get through to you.” Her admission was quiet as she whispered it against his skin. “And then after Maes died. I… Well, I thought I was going to lose you to your grief and anger and didn’t know what to do.”

Fingers were placed gently against her chin. Roy tilted her head up slowly, tenderly, so she was finally looking right at him, however there was a fierce fire in his eyes.

“You were always the best at it,” he promised. “One thought of you and it kept me grounded. I think of our family and realise that you’re my top priority, despite my duty. You always were.”

“It’s been hard to juggle for you.”

“It has.”

His eyes stared into hers and Riza found herself pinned by his gaze but didn’t mind it one bit. She never had. Those dark depths were a comfort.

“That’s what happened tonight. It’s still raw and I let my emotions and frustration and fatigue get the better of me.”

“That’s why you need more sleep,” she added, teasing him lightly to try and lighten the mood.

Roy chuckled. “You’re very right about that one.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead. “You always are.”

He turned quiet and Riza was content just to hold him. She was giving him all the time he needed to voice what he needed to say.

“If I lost myself to all of this…” His eyes closed and shame overtook his features. “That’s not the husband or father I want to be. I don’t want to be a monster again.” His voice grew hoarse, causing Roy to clear his throat. “I don’t want my kids to think of or remember me like that.”

“Only you can make that choice.”

“I know,” Roy nodded, “and I choose you. I choose all three of you. There’s no contest and never has been. It’s the easiest decision to make, like breathing.”

Riza angled her head and pressed her lips against his.

“I’m sorry for hurting you again,” he whispered huskily against her lips. His breath mingled with hers, warming the skin of her face in the same way his love and her relief was washing through her body.

“Thank you for coming back to me.” Silently, she wrapped her arms around his torso and cuddled into him.

“I always will, Riza.” His breath tousled her hair gently, tickling her. “You always bring me back.”

“I understand this is important to you,” she added, “it’s important to me too. I want to find out what really happened to Maes too and see the culprit be brought to justice but there’s other ways to do it.”

“I know,” he replied solemnly.

“I know how angry and frustrated you are about everything… Promise me one thing?”

“What?” He lifted his eyebrows in anticipation.

“Just… Think of them when it all boils down to it. Think about what you told me about not wanting to become a monster for our kids.” Riza’s voice almost shook with emotion as she spoke. “You tasked me with keeping you on the right path, and I’m trying, but when you fight back like that it makes it impossible.”

“My anger blinded me. I’m so sorry. It’s not an excuse, I know, but it did.” Shame coloured his tone.

“You saw sense, though,” Riza soothed him as she caressed his cheek gently. “And that’s what matters. When the time comes, think of Mia and Maes and your role in their life. Think of what you want them to see you as. Please.”

“And you too,” Roy insisted, his voice turning husky. His grip on her adjusted, holding her tighter against his body.

His inclusion of her made a tiny smile appear on her lips. She pressed a kiss to the column of his neck, seeing his Adam’s apple bob.

“And me too. Don’t let that hatred fool you, push you into something you don’t want to be. Not only for our sake, but for your own, and for Hughes’ memory. He wouldn’t want to see you turn into someone like that either on his behalf.”

“Always, Riza,” he breathed, sealing his promise. “Always, for you three.”