#bc ive been through a lot these past 6 or 7 years. so so much in such a small amount of time

[carbonateddelusion]

been reflecting on the kind of person I've become after these past 3 years since the anniversary of me leaving is coming up

I looked at your blog because I was trying to find images of Bennett's design... ended up going on a rabbit hole. idk if you've looked at my blog before but I haven't so much as peeped at yours in years, I stopped like a month after it happened because it was making me so much worse mentally

I dunno if you still feel that way about us, but I'm fine with you disliking me. I did a lot of fucked up shit and I'm sorry, you deserve to be mad. even though a general lack of understanding of boundaries bc of my upbringing and autism could excuse SOME behaviors, there's still a lot of shit that I can't excuse.

something I'm especially sorry about was treating your issues like they weren't as big as mine. I realize now how much you were suffering, and I was too blindsided by my own mental illness to see how terribly you were feeling and how unsupported you were. I remember feeling like I had to placate you because if I didn't things would fall apart again, and that isn't fair to you. I treated your feelings like an inconvenience and that you werent smart enough to get what was going on because I supposedly had so much more experience in suffering. that's not what good friends do to other friends.

anyway. I don't know if you'll ever read this or see it or whatever, but. I don't know how I feel about you. you represent the memories of a lot of pain from around that time in my mind. I don't HATE you, but I'd rather not think about you for too long. I'm very happy to see that you seem to be doing way better, though. you deserve that, and don't let shitty people like I was in the past hold you back

I think it might be interesting to catch up. if that's ever something you'd be fine with doing. I dunno of I'd be comfortable with it myself but whatever. I still think of you, and most of those thoughts are just "I hope they're doing okay".

please keep creating

[stellewriites]

twenty questions for fic writers 🫡

thanks for the tag @syoddeye!

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

50

2. what's your total ao3 word count?

699,806

3. what fandoms do you write for?

oh god, ongoing or previous too?? uhm currently batfam, star wars, cod, st - but i’ve had a few extra that i used to write for too

4. top five fics by kudos

i’m not linking them all bc some are,,,, far from my best work. also can u tell i love a long lyric title?

if you can’t give me all, give me nothing ; memorise the way you make me feel ; the way you move like you do ; i’m addicted to the way i feel when i think of you ; took the words right out of my mouth

5. do you respond to comments?

literally every single one,, before getting this account back a few months ago it was the only way i interacted w people in the fandoms so ��‍♀️ sometimes it might take a week tho but i try to be quick

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i don’t tend to do angst endings? like even in darker angsty fics i usually twist it so it’s like dubcon happy at the end 🥴🥴 sooo maybe either no grave can hold my body down or can i steal a kiss or two? or even choices made in anger

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

liiiiiterally any other fic i’ve ever written lmao

8. do you get hate on fics?

not often? BUT i usually do fluff fics and when i started dabbling in darker stuff that’s when i got more hate - specifically on one fic in particular

9. do you write smut?

yeah! not all the time but maybe 65%

10. craziest crossover:

i dont really do crossovers but my last mando fic was inspired by justified if that counts?

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of,, again im not very online to be able to know :/

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

yeah! just one but now i dont do it,, learning curve for me

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

almost when i was first starting out writing 6 years back but it fell through - katy if ur still out there i hope ur enjoying life <3

14. all time favorite ship?

ffffuckkkkkk i don’t think i can choose bc i dip in and out so often but i do tend to always come back to jaytim? they’re my for lifers i think but soap x reader is a close second atm

15. what's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

i’ll always finish my wips bc i can’t stand to see them unfinished,, but it’s been like three years since i first said i was going to write my sci-fi dystopian jaytim fic and im still not past the first paragraph :/

16. what are your writing strengths?

i think i’m good at dialogue and catching accents and nailing personalities pretty quick,,

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

i’m so fucking slow. if nothing else, watching people write for cod on here has shown me how quick everyone else seems to be able to write :’)

and also with longer fics i’ve gotten into the (bad) habit of leaving out like integral details that i assume the reader will just know bc ive been too in my own head about it all and ive forgotten what i’ve established already; leads to decisions looking like they’ve come out of nowhere or random personality changes

18. thoughts on dialogue in another language?

i’ve attempted it but i have to google translate it so i try to keep it to a minimum and ask for correction in the comments. sometimes i do it italicised but written in english so readers can understand that it’s meant to be another language but dont have to skip to the bottom notes or another tab to understand what’s being said

19. first fandom you wrote in?

teen wolf 🥴

20. favorite fic you've written?

idk if i’ve got a favourite,, in hindsight a lot of the ones i think about most fondly are the ones that absolutely killed me off when writing so i’ve got real rose tinted glasses about them all. however these are few that should get honourable mentions just because i like them and they didn’t pop up earlier

whew this was long i think i yapped ontoo much lmao but it was so fun!!

no pressure tags: @glossysoap @mikichko @kyletogaz @femalefemur @sentientcave @gemmahale @madstronaut and anyone else who wants to give it a go!!

[jujutsukaisen0]

i havent entirely finished the fall 2024 shows yet (3 episodes of blue lock and 1 of ron kamonohashi) but since this is the last day of 2024 this is my final released in 2024 anime ranking and yes a lot of my opinions will be biased:

1. bang brave bang bravern

it's just a perfect show. it has everything i want. everyone ever should watch bravern bc i can't even begin to explain how good it is

2. cherry magic

one of the only "wholesome" bls i genuinely enjoy bc i dont find the main characters insufferable. thats not true but for being a pure romance bl its sooooo good. kurosawa is enough of a freak that it really makes it. ive seen the show twice (subbed and dubbed) and read the whole manga has far as the english translation has gone. i cant get enough of it

3. dandadan

i somehow dont have a lot to say about this one either. its dandadan. it was solidly good every week and im such a science saru fan that it made the experience that much better. great show excited for s2

4. twilight out of focus

this was the first anime i kept up with its weekly releases for since probably 2016. it was so much fun. i really loved all the couples and thought the film setting was so fun for a bl bc my girlfriend and i love film

5. mayonaka punch

beautiful lesbian vampirism. dont have much to say about this either i just thought it was so pleasant to watch a girl lust disgusting style after another girl. i hope they fuck crazy nasty in s2 im pleading

6. a terrified teacher at ghoul school (yohaji)

really unexpected sleeper hit. its so fucking ridiculously good which i never expected. i love absurd comedy anime so this is so perfect for me and i love all the yokai kids and miki and abe and auhhhh so good! really unexpected fave

7. wind breaker

you know i initially had this higher but i kinda dragged my feet so bad watching the show but after i finally got through it i liked it so i was thinking about it from current graham's pov but past graham would say it was lower so i'll kinda average it. anyways i liked it and the characters a lot. looking forward to s2

8. ron kamonohashi second season

solid show. i loved season 1 but i kinda wish season 2 spent more time elaborating on the house of m but of course i love ron and toto so much i cant even be that mad. season 3 better be confirmed or else i'll be pissed

9. magilumiere magical girls inc

feels criminal to have this so low because i really loved it but unfortunately got beat out by everything else this year. im really excited to catch up in the manga and watch s2

10. negative positive angler

i have such a complicated relationship with negaposi. it was originally my favorite show of the season but it pissed me off way too many times in the middle of the show. the highs were Really high and the lows were Really low. i wish the pacing had been better bc the show had so much potential

11. blue lock second season

i kind of don't even need to say why this is down here. it had a lot of highs with shidou and sae and bachira's aishiteru but man i really do Not care about the u 20 match and i wont care that much about michael kaiser either but im kinda stuck with this show now. blue lock makes it so hard for you to like it

12. senpai is an otokonoko

one of the most pissing me off shows ever made. i liked it but at what fucking cost man. those stupid kids need to get their shit together before i intervene

13. haigakura

unfortunately went on hiatus in the middle of the run so i cant judge it fairly now. its such a shame bc i was really loving it

[kyaruun]

QIAN THE KISSER lmaooo my ultimae attack is just plopping a heart shape pillow onto everyone that does 99% of total HP damage... i am uncreative these days lilikags only exists because my first oc ever evolved into the sister of kageyama tobio from hq.. which i was obsessed with when i entered this site. nazu-yume turned into nazukisser one day and i do not regret my only ever URL change for a blog that didn't completely change its purpose. riddle-lovehearts was cute on my end. i just think it was cute. but sakunyas is so so so cute its so you very smart indeed

oh these are exams administered not by the school itself but uh. by a company. who charges like 90 dollars per exam. that you statistically will probably not pass. and everyone buys into it because at least taking the course shows you try hard. which helps you get into a good university. better if you scored a 4 or 5, which then again you need to pay to report to Each School You Apply To

when will the collegeboard (this company) get competition that knocks it off its fucking high horse

yeah im taking calc ab which is like. calc 1? and calc bc is calc 1 and 2 in the same amt of time? maybe its bcs all the smart kids go into calc bc is prob why the pass rate is good

oh yeah uh, the grading goes like ... this. they have very strict guidelines on how to grade. so for frq (free response question) if like any of x, x, or x are true, score whatever number it tells you to. if the response gets past those and if any of x x or x are true, score a 6 or smth. and whether the response reached that, depends on the ap graders, who are stuck into this huge place in like idk minnesota and they just grade all day. all day. like they have a quota of like 200 or 300 exams to go through and grade. for mcq its either right or wrong the computer can grade that they prob just scan it all in the scantron

for language yeah it depends on the teacher and how they prepare you for the test over the years you learn the language idk if you did the STAMP test or whatever but i got like one of the top scores in the class for speaking, a 5 5 6 7 (reading, writing, listening, speaking) so technically i have a good chance at ap japanese exam but am i going to sit through sensei's class for another year? hell the fuck no.

i have no idea where they got that, because i was like "tf is happening" this entire year. so like i don't know. but i passed.

ANYWAYS waaaaa ive been taking a break so its really hard for me to accept that i am hardworking even though a lot of people say so? maybe its because like every time i slack i get scolded by someone at home LOL but ive been resting the last 6 days so yeah (spring break)

thankyouuuu if i gibe up all my hobbies i really wont have anything left for me so i have to just. idk find some way to enjoy at least one of them and stick with it till i find something that brings me a lot of joy again 👍🏻someday

anyways sorry this ended up being Extremely Long i can go off about the collegeboard forever. they sent me a text yesterday saying that ap exams are coming up.

jesus christ i'm not surprised you're stressed it sounds so insane. feels like the more you read about it the more braincells you lose ;; i won't complain about the spanish system every agai-- well no i will because it sucks ass but you get the point ;;;

having at least one hobby you can go to to disconnect from responsabilities it's pretty much a need tbh writing is fun. drawing. having an insane brainrot over a cute bunch of pixels <3 anything works as long as it makes your life a bit easier. sometimes even silly things like talking to someone, finding a new game etc

[truessences]

You asked for Mileven fic ideas:

1. Mileven navigating questions about future plans. El is still hiding from the authorities at the end of mike's junior year in his, and she starts to worry about the future once she hears the party starting to worry about college. When will she be free, at least to the extent she was in Lenora? Will she be free B4 he leaves for college? Even if she is, what does that mean for them? It's not like she would get into the same colleges as him. Jopper doesn't have that kind of money, and she has been studying for the past year (unofficial home schooling) but she isn't sure she is ready for senior year academically speaking even if she got the government of her tail right now, and got some fake id showing she had finished all the other grades. And would she fit into his post- high school life? She didn't really fit in back in Cali. I know this sound like jancy S4, but Mileven are different ppl, and have different circumstances.

2. Mike getting caught sneaking out at night by jopper, prompting an awkward conversation ( and perhaps Joyce decides will should get involved too, since they have to discuss these things with him anyways, so why wait until he is in a relationship, instead of getting it over with now).

3. El comforting mike over Eddie's death. 4. El telling mike about the other lab children and mourning their death.

5. El and mike watching their friends get drunk and either messing with them, or trying to stop them from doing something stupid ( this is admittedly more of a party fic, but if the focus is on them, and how they deal with their friends drunken antics, it counts as Mileven, right?).

6. Mileven discussing the morality of murder, as el questions her past actions, and her disagreement with Kali

7. Mike doing el's make up for some event, bc Joyce and Nancy are available.

8. Terry Ives died, and mike helps her through it

9. El and will have a fight about will saying something negative about hopper, bc hopper is dealing with the trauma from his time in russia by drinking a lot, and bc Will has some issues thanks to lonnie, so he worries a lot about hopper hurting Joyce somehow. El wents to mike, and mike tries to mediate, and help el understand why will is so sceptical of hopper, despite being grateful for everything he has done for him and his family.

These are some great ideas! I think there are a couple that stood out to me immediately!

Definitely 3 since I feel very strongly about that not being included.

6 is very interesting and I think I could explore that.

Thanks so much for your ideas! If anyone else has any Mileven fic ideas, send me asks!

[ashren]

I'm taking you down with me, bud! ❤️🌛 I challenge you to ALSO do all of the Part II questions!

Ooooooo Thank you!!!! I hope ur ready for some Ren Facts 😎 (the rest is under the cut just bc it's long lol)

1. What are your OC's best and worst qualities What do they think are their best and worst qualities?

Ren's best quality is probably his loyalty. Once he trusts someone, he's ride or die. For the most part.

His worst quality is that he holds a Grudge. He's pissed at Max for a LONG time after the scholar thing, and doesn't fully come around until well after Scylla. He's been hurt a few too many times to take what he sees as betrayal lightly.

Ren would probably agree his best quality is his loyalty, but he would say his worst quality is his temper.

2. Is there a meaning behind their name, or a particular reason why they have it? (either in the story, or why you as the author decided to give them their name)

I just answered a question about Ren's name so Ill give the real world answer! Genuinely, I saw someone with the nickname Ren when i was at work and i was like Yo that's a cool name. And i snatched it up. I steal a lot of cool names from work 😂😅

3. What does their voice sound like, in a couple of words? (ie soft, scratchy, seductive, high pitched, etc)

Oddly?? I haven't thought about it much! He's trans and was on T on Earth, and I've guess i always imagined like a bit lower and kinda scratchy? Look, Ive been on T for a while and only JUST realized like a month ago that my voice changed a lot, I'm not good with like,,, voices or describing them fjalfjalf

4. Do they have any underlying motivations? (ie hey seem hard-working but secretly just don't want to fall back into poverty, etc)

Ren's secretive about exactly what they're doing for Phineas at first, because he's not sure he can trust ANYONE, but as soon as he warms up to the crew and to Phineas, he's pretty straight forward with them. He doesn't tell them about his past on Earth for a while, but he came to Halcyon to start over as a paramedic. He truly wants to save the people on the Hope, and believes they can help save the colony.

5. Does their fashion sense reflect an aspect of their personality? (ie bright and colorful outfits symbolizing that they're an upbeat person)

Ren ends up wearing old altered Iconiclast armor. He uses his own fabric in colors he's not mistaken for the Iconiclasts. He ends up choosing the blue for the head scarf and detailing because he stopped dying his hair when he got to Halcyon (too much work) so it's a little homage to the hair color he sported for years. That's not really the answer to the question but... i'm leaving it there 😅

6. Do they have any tattoos? What are they, and why did they get them?

YES! On his left arm he has the word FUCK tattooed. His late husband Johnny had "SHIT" tattooed on him, because those were the first words they said to each other. Once they realized that after they got married, they got it tattooed

I want Ren to have more tattoos but i haven't put that much thought into it lol I think he'd get some in Halcyon too, and not all of them would have some grand meaning! I think eventually he'd get something to commemorate his original crew on the Unreliable

7. What is their biggest insecurity?

Ren biggest insecurity is that he doesn't believe he's as morally good as he really is. He has a checkered past on Earth, but really it's bc he's more of a Chaotic Good type than a Neutral Good.

However, he still thinks he's way in over his head and doesn't ever know if he's doing the right thing.

8. What is their coping mechanism?

Fake it til u make it baybee. That and cigarettes. He doesn't drink so much anymore, but he smokes as an anxious habit when he's not Doing Great (and generally only then, so if he's smoking, he's going through it)

9. What is their main love language? (gifts, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation)

Oooo copy pasting this one bc i answered it before from a different ask thing and im too lazy too type a new answer :,) :

Ren's love language is definitely physical touch, acts of service are important to him, but being physical close to his people is the best. Makes for fun moments when someone Ren cares about helps bandage him up after a fight uwu

10. What is their MBTI type?

INJF (idk i made it up im too lazy to go through and do that sorry lol)

11. What kind of person are they most compatible with? (platonic or romantic)

Queer people, generally, but anyone who isn't a dick 😂

He doesn't really like cynical people, even though he can be kinda cynical himself sometimes, so he finds it really hard to get along with Max and Ellie through the story. Ellie and Ren definitely bond somewhat after her quest, and Max kinda gets over the most annoying if his cynicism after his quest, so that helps a lot.

12. How do they feel about romantic relationships? Are they into casual flings or more serious, long-term romances? Or are they uninterested?

Very interested on all levels lol. Ren is very casual about sex, he's more of a 'it's a fun activity' kind of guy. He's totally happy with casual flings, however! He is also a romantic. In an ideal world, his partner(s) would be open to the idea of non monogamy, but if not, Ren would be absolutely fine with settling down with the right person. (spoilers i give Ren his happy ending........ no pun intended)

13. What are their views on marriage? If they want to get married, what would their dream wedding be like?

Ren's been married! He and Johnny got married for the benefit status, though. Ren doesn't particularly care about marriage as an institution, but he did enjoy having a party to celebrate his and Johnny's love, soooo he's not closed to the idea in the future. He wouldn't be the one to ask for one though.

14. How is their relationship with their family Which family member are they closest to?

Non existant. He cut off communication with his parents right after high school. He kept tabs on them from a distance for a while, but eventually stopped checking in on them. He used to spend summers on his uncle's dairy farm, though, and before he cut off his parents, his Uncle was probably the person he was closest too. It wasn't a very familial relationship, though, and he didn't answer after Ren reached out in his 20s. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

15. Has their personality changed at all since they were a child? Why?

Absolutely. Ren grew up with grossly wealthy parents, so he was coddled and shielded by a lot as a child. Until High school he was probably kinda like those pretentious little kids who's low key annoying, but i'm high school he learned about the horrors of ~capitalism~ and things went downhill from their (or uphill? Because he's definitely a better person for it 😅)

16. How do other characters in the story view them?

Ooooo, this is a tricky one, it depends on the timeline of the game, but at first I think their all a little bit optimistically confused by him lol. He's a stranger who came out of nowhere and is offering to help (for a fee sometimes), but then is actually capable of surviving in this colony while not knowing what "Tossball" is.

By the end of the game, they all see him as more human and less superhero, understanding he has his limits, but by the end of the game there's definitely a mutual respect from everyone on the crew. I could go more into each persons opinions but this would be twice as long as it already will be lmfao

17. How many hours of sleep does your OC get on average?

Not enough :,)

18. Where do they see themself in ten years?

Ideally, he, Phineas, and Hiram are settled down somewhere relatively safe in the colony and he and Hiram can work on the colony while Phineas relaxes and works in his own projects for fun for once in his life

19. If they had a theme song, what would it be?

BRONCO ORVILLE PECK (literally listening to it as i type 😇)

20. What AU would they belong in the best?

PIRATES hahaha probably bc i'm writing that one 🥴 but really ive thrown Ren into every AU at this point (at least in my head, if not scribbled somewhere in a notebook)

for the purposes of the ask~ i'll stick with pirates haha

[danakin-skywalker]

ho ho ho health legend!!

i hope that you had a great day and that your feet werent too sore to get out of bed and enjoy this lovely monday, december 13th! bc 33 flights?! im out bestie good for you tho

of course! i had like 7 different pixie hollow accounts because i would forget my login info every time🤦🏼‍♀️ and my nana was the only one with a computer, so until she made designated notebooks for my cousins and i, we just had random mixed up printer papers of passwords😂😂 im ashamed to admit i was never able to figure out club penguin so i couldnt play🧍🏼‍♀️

THE BANANNY WAGNER MEMES GOT ME !!!!!! i cant lie, i sent those to like six people they were so good. also, sweater danny🥺 but all the pics you were so pretty. i saw someone say today that he was sculpted like a greek god and i cant help but agree, sheesh!

im afraid today im back again with some basic questions ive somehow skipped over...

1. what other artists/genres do you listen to?

2. what is you favorite color?

3. how would you describe your personal style?

4. what are your sun, moon, & rising placements?

5. can you play any instruments?

6. do/did you play any sports?

7. what is one hidden talent you have?

remember santa loves u - and that youve brightened my month as well! but soon ill be able to just ask you anything, anytime once my true identity is revealed👀

🎅🏼

#26

Good morning Santa!!!!! I did manage to get out of bed yesterday but I’m sure by tomorrow I’ll be bed-ridden again because today I have to go get my Covid booster, which I hear can be tough on the body.

I love the idea of your nana just keeping track of every grandkid’s login information for whatever site they happened to use. I’m also really glad you got as much of a kick out of bananny Wagner as I did bc I thought I was gonna piss myself laughing when I first found it.

So recently, I’ve been listening to a lot of artists suggested/recommended by the boys, and other artists I find from those artists. For example, I’ve been listening to a lot of Hozier, Stephen Stills (more often CSN&Y), and Jim Croce, and a lot of classic rock like Quiet Riot, Van Halen and Styx. I’ve been really having fun delving into music that has been well loved for years that I’m unfamiliar with. With the exception of Hozier and Greta I’m really not listening to a lot of modern music at the moment, which has been really cool since moving to a major city, kind of feels like a juxtaposition to listen to John Denver while staring at the manhattan skyline you know?

My two favorite colors are purple and green, but I really only like the very light shades or very dark shades of both colors. Like the pastels and the jewel tones. I’m not into the generic “this is green” green, do you know what I mean?

My personal style is tricky because I’m not spending a ton of time lately outside of my apartment, so right now my style is just comfortable and cozy loungewear. I suppose I haven’t really developed a personal style yet, I never know what to say for questions like this. I’m really more of a simple dresser, I like staple pieces I can wear a bunch of different ways. But the problem with that is I can never personally justify buying high quality staple pieces that can withstand wear. So long story short, I’m workin on it.

I am the most absolute textbook cancer sign you’ll ever meet. Like the logical part of my brain doesn’t want to believe in astrology, but I’m just such a fucking cancer that it’s hard to really discount it. Both my moon and rising signs are in Aquarius, and I actually have had a lot of Aquarius friends in the past.

Okay, let me walk you through my personal instrument timeline. So when I was really little (like under 10) my mom had my brother and I in piano and violin lessons. But then I’m pretty sure by the time we were 10 those stopped (to be fair, that was around when the recession hit). Then I learned recorder in elementary school like everybody else and when it came time to sign up for band and pick an instrument, I chose clarinet because it was similar to recorder. Then I played clarinet in band for four years, I even played bass clarinet for a year because the school had one and you really play it the same as a normal clarinet it’s just bigger and jankier.

Around this time I also decided I wanted to learn bass guitar. I distinctly remember not wanting to learn guitar because in my head basically everyone knew how to play guitar and I wanted to be ~different~ so I borrowed a bass and a beginners book from the school. My dad was ecstatic, it was then that I learned he used to play bass in college (when was he gonna tell me that if I never independently showed interest? The world may never know). BUT what happened was I came home one weekend from a Girl Scout camping trip and my mom had randomly bought me an acoustic guitar. She said she assumed that was what I really wanted to play but I think she did it because 1) she has a heart condition that gets really bothered by bass notes and 2) full disclosure my dad didn’t have the healthiest relationship in alcohol back in the day and I’m sure she thinks this relates to the kind of world a bass player would be in.

Regardless, I was pressured to switch to guitar. And I hated it. There was something about the strings on the guitar she got me that made them terrible for beginners, even the guy I was getting lessons from told me to get it re-stringed. I had to press down so hard for any noise to come out that it made it really difficult to switch chords. And then I gave up when I found out nearly every song I wanted to learn to play has a barre chord in it. My fingers were just NOT callousing and I didn’t like how everybody in the world it seemed could hear me when I was trying to practice. Sometimes I wonder if I had kept with the bass if I would’ve gotten good at it, I made a lot more progress a lot more quickly than I did with guitar. But alas.

I mentioned skiing before, but the only sport I kept with through high school was Track & Field. I was a thrower, my events were shotput and discus. I wasn’t particularly great at it, but I wasn’t doing it to be the best on the team. The track and field team was like a massive family, it consisted of roughly the same group that jumped together from Cross Country Running to Nordic Skiing to Track, with the same coach running all three. I absolutely hate running, especially the way they do it, so track was really the only one I could stick with. But the vibes were unmatched I miss that squad.

Okay this question stopped me for a second. A hidden talent? I’m just gonna list of random things I’m good at. Like I said, I have camp counselor experience, so if you know what boondoggle is I’m a master at that (including and especially starting them off). I’m also pretty good at joint rolling but only the ~cool people~ get to find that out when they see it in action. I’m not sure if this counts but I’m also really good at memorizing lyrics. Pretty much every song I like I know most of the words to, if not all. Even if I haven’t heard a song in like a decade, if I learned the words once at some point in my life they will come running back to me.

I love you Santa I can’t wait until after Christmas when I’m DMing you excitedly every time I get a new record. I hope your Jacob Thomas Tuesday goes smoothly friend.

[mavspeed]

First Line Meme

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line, then tag 10 of your favorite authors!

Hey @applesfallingfromblondehair, thanks for the tag love!! likewise i dont usually do this but this feels interesting so lets see if my ass has improved over the last few stories lmfkjgjk

also this will prob be a mix of xmcu fic + kingsman fic bc i think i have a more or less equal number of fics written for both

1.

The first time Charles meets Lucifer Morningstar, actual devil from hell, ruler of the underworld, fallen son of the lord above and god knows what else, it had been after Erik had been sentenced to life imprisonment in the highest security cell in the Pentagon. 

- this is from a professor and a devil walk into a bar, which is kinda a crossover rarepair fic that rose out of me and mutuals on twitter discussing tom ellis and james mcavoy being roommates and kinda... devolved from there. i am proud of this one lmfnjgkj

2.

“Are you okay, Professor?” Hank asks quietly.

Charles blinks. He supposes it’s a valid question. He’s been in a bit of a funk the past few days- scratch that actually, the past few years. He’s just lost so much- his father, and then his mother’s love, and then Raven and Erik and Sean and countless others. Building a school, gaining students he loved to teach and nurture hadn’t helped him in the slightest, and he’s as lost as he ever was, wandering the halls of a drafty mansion alone, feeling like he’s been stranded at sea even whilst surrounded by people.

- from in the belly of the beast, which again came out of me wondering what would have happened if fox had gone w their original plan and charles had been that last horseman instead of erik. this story will prob gain a sequel... sometime in the near future when im not too bogged down by current wips

3. 

The Xavier family hall of the deceased- because of course they’re weird enough to have a cemetery- is full of rows upon rows of holograms. Charles is four and gets bored of his father crying over his mother’s hologram, so he toddles over to the other rows. Unfamiliar names, all of them- Charles is young, and he doesn’t understand death. He doesn’t even know who his mother is, who’d died at childbirth and left him with a father still at a loss when it came to bringing up a kid.

- from tequila on a spaceship, the sequel to a fic that still has some people angry at me i think. this fic never did gain as much traction as the first one but im still proud of it esp since it discusses certain themes of reincarnation that ive always wanted to see explored for myself in reincarnation aus (and i only ever saw it in danveresque’s reincarnation au)

4.

There are cork boards covering every inch of the wall. Red strings, photographs, conspiracy threads, everything. Raven takes it in, swallowing, noticing the picture in the middle.

It’s one of Charles, when he’d been in university. His final year- he'd just been done presenting his year- end project, his fringe a tumbled mess and a bright smile on his lips. Erik had taken the picture, Charles scurrying to his side once he’d been done and demanding to look at the image, his tongue poking out the corner of his mouth. He looks like how Raven had always imagined him to be.

“He wouldn’t want this,” she finally says, turning to look at Erik.

- from tequila on a beach, the first fic to the fic above. this fic is v special to me because i actually wrote this on a spiral after having a very tough visit with one of my parents in the hospital after a surgery for organ removal to prevent the onset of cancer. its simpler than my other fics yet i think more powerful because of what happens. also i think the first time i killed charles off lol (spoiler alert). also idk if ppl were aware of this but this is called tequila on a beach precisely bc charles and erik were tipsy from tequila at a frat party and then went to a beach. its the way they first met (and will continue to meet for all their next lives)

5. 

Erik doesn’t know how it all started. Maybe it was when his insane sergeant had started rambling about imaginary cities, treasures of gold and cursed incantations. Maybe it was when trickles of rumours had started pouring down about the higher ups wanting to investigate unfound territory, disregard the Egyptian government’s feelings on the matter, and put a previously unfound myth on the map for all the world to see. Or maybe, Erik thinks, it was when archaeologist Klaus Schmidt put a bullet through his mother’s head and he ended up going to America armed with dual citizenship and the sole intent of wanting to drive a coin directly between Schmidt’s eyes, joining a division of the American military focused solely on guarding archaeological digs- more importantly, in Egypt, where Schmidt’s interest had shifted.

- from courting the end of the world, another one i’m just insanely proud of! this is the first time i’ve ever attempted a multichapter movie au and it actually managed to work pretty well, i at least haven’t run out of inspiration for it yet lmfjgjg. also erik as himbo rick connell... very rent free in my head

6. 

The day after they murder Shaw and leave his house of horrors, Erik crosses the Canadian border with Charles across his back. Charles had started getting tired while they’d been walking, stumbling and nearly tripping until Erik had forced him to get on his back, ignoring Charles’ protests.

The blood’s seeping out steadily from Charles’ nose, staining his shirt and soaking it through. It’s been leaking on and off, and the effects are already obvious in the dark circles beneath Charles’ eyes. Any more, and Erik knows they’ll have to find him a doctor. He hopes the nearest town in Canada has one that would be willing to treat them.

- from a world built for two. i actually dk where the inspiration for this came from, i think i was once again on a depressive spiral and wanted to break my comfort characters into pieces and put them together again. this also deals with codependency and unhealthy coping mechanisms as a result of trauma which i showed as sweet in the fic but i would def not recommend in real life. pls if u relate to either charles or erik in this go see a therapist

7. 

The call comes in the afternoon, an hour before Charles is supposed to teach his Intro to Genetics class. Frowning, Charles abandons the game of Candy Crush he’d admittedly been playing rather badly and picks it up. “Charles sp-”

“We need you, Prof,” Kitty says desperately into the phone. “He’s been in a temper all morning, and then Alex’s reports missed out a whole subsection, so he’s fired the entire marketing team! Please, Professor, you have to come immediately!”

- from and we can be pirates. i wrote this in like 4 seconds for my friend who wanted professor charles and ceo erik and actually did not expect this to gain the attention it did... its always the fics u write in like 4 seconds lmfjggj. a sequel for this Is coming too probably at some point in the very far future

8. 

Charles Xavier can admit as he sits across from Essex, hands cuffed to the desk, that in hindsight, this had perhaps not been one of his better ideas.

He refuses to admit it as he controls Erik’s mind, preventing him from lashing out and making him close his eyes to the nightmare unfolding in front of him. He refuses to admit it as he gets shoved into the back of a black pickup truck, and the butt of a gun is smashed across his forehead hard enough to knock him out cold for a few hours. He refuses to admit it when he wakes up what appears to be hours later in a cold interrogation room, hands cuffed to the table in front of him, with a suppression collar rendering his mind dark and almost achingly silent.

- from from the land of gods (bring me home). i’ve been struggling w this fic a lot (it didnt come as easily to me as the first one did) but its getting there. also i put charles through hell in this rip sorry mister xavier

9.

In the aftermath, both of them stand at the border of the mansion. The air feels frigid, slicing into Raven’s lungs like a thousand paper cuts. “Charles, please,” she begs, heart in her throat and voice hoarse. “He wouldn’t want you to be like this. He wouldn’t want you to do this. It’s not too late, you can come back.”

Charles gazes back, a brick wall. He hasn’t even cleaned up, still in that damnable yellow and blue suit with blood drying in the corners of his mouth, the bridge of his nose. There’s nothing in his eyes- blank, almost see through. He looks as if he’s a mere shade, a ghost lounging about where he once was. Raven knows better.

“I will raze the world to the ground,” he finally says, his voice free of any inflection, “and when I’m done, no one will be left standing. Not you, and certainly not me.”

- from where all the poets went to die, a dark fic based on what would have happened if moira had killed erik with the bullets. its the first time ive written dark charles and it was v fun if im being honest

10. 

Charles is a light sleeper. It’s a trait that stays with him- all the way from his father and the tests to taking care of his mother to Cain Marko and his fists to Cuba and then now, the dust of Washington settling over him and making the waking world lie an inch beyond his eyelids. It therefore stands to reason that the second the windowsill creaks he’s up in a shot, hoisting himself up and lashing out with his telepathy instantly.

That’s not a trait that had stayed with him. That’s a newly formed trait, bitter and bold, carved into existence by Cuba by his students disappearing one by one in Vietnam by the letters that announce Sean’s death in black unfriendly print by-

The tendrils of his telepathy forged cold and distant meet a barrier and recoil, stunned. He focuses his eyes and then widens them, staring at Erik who stares back, hidden beneath that infernal muddied magenta helmet of his. They stare at each other for a moment before Erik clears his throat.

- from in the valley of kings (you will come home). my first ever cherik fic! im actually also proud of this one even if i ended it horribly and half my mutuals refuse to read it bc of how it ended LMFJGJGJ. i cant believe this was supposed to be a funny and cute kid fic and then i turned it into an angst ridden mess. also leo is actually an oc whose adult version is fancasted as charlie rowe by me and another mutual on twitter and im v proud that readers are willing to die for the baby

11. 

Mike has to google it, finding a crafts shop nestled into the corner of the street right smack in the middle of Louisiana, past a long and winding dirt road and the crumbling farmhouses relics of a time long past. The air is hot, humid, sticking to the back of his neck like an unwieldy parasite as he pushes the door of the shop open to the sound of the bell tinkling above.

He finds the origami paper quickly enough and has a momentary breakdown about what Bill’s favourite colour even is- he had never thought to ask him. Twenty seven years of following every single footstep of his like a dedicated, most definitely creepy stalker, three months of more than a few states traversed with Bill’s laughter now echoing in his ears like a shadow that trails after him, and this is what stumps him. It takes ten minutes, but he finally settles on light green.

- my first and last entry into the IT fandom bc i love these two but to be very fair there isn’t much content out there for him (and twitter content actually intimidates me lmfjgjjg) a thousand paper cranes never got much traction either but i suspect its bc i was horrible at promoting it. also i very much love this fic even if it never did that well bc ive always wanted to write a fic like this after watching the movie in cinemas in 2019

12.

ok nsfw i guess 

Mornings start like this- Eggsy snuffling into David’s neck, attempting to work his way back up to wakefulness as David sleeps the sleep of the dead, the streams of morning sunlight gradually lightening up the room. It’s a while before he gets the energy to sit up, pushing an eager V off the bed- V for Vendetta, a kitten named after one of David’s favourite movies that they’d adopted about a month after moving in together- before stumbling to the loo. He’s already in the shower when David comes in, naked as the day he’s born with his arms entwining themselves around Eggsy’s waist as he murmurs a sleep-soft, “Good morning, love,” as he presses a kiss into the two-days-old hickey on Eggsy’s shoulder. His breath smells of toothpaste, the minty fresh kind he insists on buying from Target no matter how much Eggsy insists that the other brand is much better. Without fail, Eggsy always has a split second thought of thinking that he must truly be in heaven because no way can this be his reality, every single day, before sinking to his knees and allowing David’s cock to hit the back of his throat.

- from that’s the kind of love i’ve been dreaming of. i genuinely wish i had an opinion for this but i don’t remember writing this its been way too long

13. 

The first time Eggsy sees her is in Trafalgar Square.

Trafalgar Square is uncomfortably packed on any normal day, but on New Year’s it is quite the hothouse. Sweating armpits and hot bodies plastered against each other, the twinkling lights overhead providing a flash of blue and green and yellow and red, screaming children and giggling teenagers shoving their way through- it’s a recipe for disaster. Eggsy doesn’t know how he ends up there. It happens sometimes- one second he blinks, sequestered in the comfort of his living room, and the next he’s somewhere else, as if he’s been teleported. “Life goes past you,” Tilde had said once, “and you don’t even notice.” Tilde would be right.

- this is a roxy and eggsy friendship centric fic that i abandoned bc i lost my ardor for this world about the same time i got into xmen lmfjgjg. all the king’s horses also had some great fancasts in it with dev patel fancasted too... rip ig

14. 

once again, nsfw

Eggsy, truth be told, doesn’t actually like having sex in bathrooms. First of all, bathrooms generally have an unsanitary air about them. Besides that, the granite of the sinks always feel cold against his hips, there is the ever present fear of being walked in on and unlike what people might say, he actually really isn’t that much of an exhibitionist- and truth be told, he’s never liked the look of himself in the mirror mid coitus.

For David Budd, however, he suspects he might be up for anything.

- from do you ever dream of me. im actually proud of this fic and this series, i never usually write straight up porn or friends w benefits and i think it worked well in here. once again didnt get much traction but that was very of the norm for my kingsman fics lmfjgj

15.

It is on his fifth meeting with the therapist on site that she brings the issue up. The elephant in the room- or the bomb , David thinks morbidly. If asked, he can’t remember specifics about that day now. All he remembers is this- the burn of Julia’s picture in his wallet against his thigh, the Botticelli painting on the far wall and Miss Paulson’s face, severe and unsmiling.

“When you couldn’t reach Julia,” she says, after he finishes describing the feeling of running to Julia, the panic searing his chest as he’d prayed for his legs to work faster so he could do something, anything to reach her hand. “How did that make you feel?”

- from your haunted social scene. i genuinely... do not remember anything about this either helpfkjgjg,,, this has 55 comments tho which. Nice

16.

David brings her home on- in a move far too cliche for it to be reality- a stormy night. It’s in fact storming so hard the windowpanes shudder like leaves in the wind, droplets crashing against the glass in a cacophony so loud Eggsy more than once considers turning the radio all the way up to drown it out. He’d gone scrounging for David’s sweatshirts instead of his own halfway through, wincing intermittently at the flashes of thunder. At a particularly loud one JB had jumped up, squeaked in a very undoglike manner and skidded across the floor to cower beneath the sofa, only coming out when coaxed by Eggsy to do so. Officer Oatmeal had watched the proceedings from her regal place by the armchair, dozy eyed and blinking heavily.

- from a cat named lavender. from what i remember this was also my first try at bringing up trans eggsy

17.

He first appears at the black prince on a cold Monday evening, eyes like Frank Sinatra and lips arresting anyone’s gaze if they weren’t careful enough. He stood out too, clad in a respectable bomber jacket and boots that clicked against the tile rhythmically and loudly, a sort of organised, measured cacophony.

“Go and serve him,” Andrew said, fat and disinterested, seated behind the counter and idly flicking through bills, less than ten percent of which he pays Eggsy. “I’m busy.”

- from trust is left in lovers after all. i never continued this which is sad bc this did get a lot of attention... it was just v hard to keep the story going

18.

It usually rains cats and dogs in London but for some reason, the rain is heavier than usual today. The droplets splatter against the windows in a constant buzzing rhythm, the sound meshing together in a melody not altogether pleasant to the ears. It’s half past five and yet the light has to be kept on because that’s how dark the sky has gotten- thunder rolls like a loud crack, abrupt and deafening, causing Daisy to jump in her seat.

“Just a thunderstorm, flower,” Eggsy says. They’re seated at the dinner table, Eggsy going over her homework while David sits opposite them, hunched over his laptop as he attempts to finish a post mission report. Eggsy is half convinced he gave up ten minutes ago- he’s got his earbuds in and he hasn’t really typed anything in a while, eyes focused on the screen. His eyebrows are scrunched up in a glare that’s too adorable for his own good- and for Eggsy’s.

- from could feel like kryptonite. a lot of my kingsman fics are actually so much happier than my cherik ones... i should prob look into that rip

19.

“When you’re done lazing around you can come in, you dozy dog,” he tells Officer Oatmeal, who butts her nose into his knee. She’s the only one not on a diet in the house, Eggsy deeming her far too healthy and skinny to need one anyway. In fact, she’s under strict instructions by Eggsy to fatten up instead.

Once the animals are done feeding- Eggsy sporting a suspicious scratch on his left forearm- they settle down to eat their scrambled eggs and toast. David’s taken a large gulp of his scalding coffee when Eggsy says, all of a sudden, “So, I have a school reunion.”

- from gonna set this dance alight. don’t remember much about this either tbh

20. (the last one FINALLY)

It isn’t a big event or explosion that makes David realise he wants to see his father’s ring sitting pretty on Eggsy’s index finger. No teary confessions in the rain like in the rom coms Eggsy loves to rent out and sniffle his way through, or a fight that makes David see sense. In the end, it’s breakfast that cinches the deal for him.

The day had started out normally enough. David wakes up at eight like clockwork, the soft downy hair at the base of Eggsy’s neck tickling his nose with his arm locked tight around his waist. He’d yawned, exhausted- mostly because they’d stayed up very late into the night making good use of the bed- before standing up and shucking his shirt off to head for the shower. Eggsy had shifted in his sleep, mumbling something unintelligible, and the sight had been too endearing to resist so he’d bent down, pressing a kiss to his forehead and smiling when Eggsy groaned out loud.

- from lover boy rules. i actually started a lot of my kingsman fics in the same way which is rather awful of me. im glad thats changed with my xmen fics lmfjgjk. also this has 15 comments???? i dont even get that much attention with my xmcu fics these days... which is arguably a more active fandom... Hello

anyway that’s the end of it needless to say i do not know 10 other authors so im just gonna tag whoever i know rn: @hellfre , @queerneto, @ikeracity, @drinkingstars, @zebraljb

[noninsigni]

040320201118

1: Do you ever wish you were someone else?

— all of the time. i always wonder what it’d be like to have a different brain, but i dont wish to be any specific person, just... not me.

2: What is your full name?

— paige marcia thompson, heh.

3: How old are you and how old do you get mistaken for?

— 20. ive been mistaken for ages 14-22.

4: Have you ever dyed your hair?

— i couldnt even guess a ball park number of how many times ive dyed it.

5: What’s your eye color?

— can i lie and say green til its true? jk, brown with hints of green ;)

6: Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it

— i mean i hate it but try not to, highly uncomfortable in my skin suit. id tear it off if i could.

7: Do you have any tattoos or piercings?

— rose drawing tat, “FIRE” tat lmao, nose, septum and nipple pierced.

8: What would you say is your best quality?

— physically, i have a cute nose. personality wise, open mindedness. personal thing, the way i think heh

9: What are you really bad at?

— relationships.

10: What talent do you wish you had?

— anything having to do with music

11: Are you nice to everyone?

— im nice unless im pissed off, then im mean to everyone.

12: What do you think about the most?

— existence, pre existence, post existence.

13: Things you like/dislike about yourself

— LIKE: knowledge, music taste, ability to forgive, sometimes im funny, the fact that my laugh changes daily, the fact that i give drunk pep talks and motivational speeches to people i love hahahaha, how intensely i think and feel about things.

—DISLIKE: emotions control me more than i control them, basically everything physically, how easy it is for me to rage, drug habits, secrets

14: What is your least favorite word?

— panties, clucking.

15: What is your favorite word?

— sacapuntas/muñeca for spanish, idk for english. unofficial word, lachesism.

16: Are you more like your mom or dad?

— i used to always think i was an exact copy of my dad but sometimes i feel a lot like my mom. def still more dad though.

17: Would you ever smile at a stranger?

— bitch, DAILY

18: A reason you’ve lied to someone

— i didnt think my mom would appreciate me at 14 years old telling her i was going to go drink myself to death in the woods. idk LOL

19: Are you lying about anything right now?

— only to myself. these answers are true! my thoughts are lies. hehehehe identity crisis;)

20: Have you kissed someone older than you?

— i think the oldest was 33 and i did not appreciate it.

21: Do you believe in love at first sight?

— i wish. but no.

22: Do you believe in soulmates?

— with every fiber of my being.

23: Are looks important?

— no, but we’re brainwashed to believe they do.

24: Opinion on relationship age differences

— do what makes you happy. love who you love, but no way in hell am i dating anyone outside of 3-4 years older or a year younger.

25: Would you date someone off the internet?

— it didnt go so well the last time, so no.

26: Have you ever cried over a boy/girl?

— ive cried over both!

27: Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

— bitch thats MY TYPE.

28: Anyone you’re giving up on right now?

— love wise, yes. friend wise, yes.

29: Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

— uhhhh, yes. at least 4 people now.

30: Have you ever liked your best friend?

— imagine drunkenly confessing your love to your best friend and then just pretending it never happened. hahh.. haha.. ha.

31: How does someone win your heart?

— show me passion. even if its just talking about a very simple thing. teach me things without meaning to. care for me during extreme lows.

32: What turns you on?

— body language, FACIAL EXPRESSIONS FUCK ME, wording, teasing, intelligence, confidence, singing, ability to play instruments, and then theres all the actual sex stuff lol

33: What turns you off?

— bad breath, illness, submissive men, low self esteem, men being animals lol, certain pet names, certain voices

34: Do you get jealous easily?

— oh you betcha. ive punched concrete til my hands bled over seeing a subtle flirt between someone i wasnt even dating & a pretty girl lol

35: What is your definition of cheating?

— anything physical you’d usually only do with your partner that you feel the need to hide from them. sending nudes. das about it though.

36: Do you forgive betrayal?

— in a way, yeah. but mostly no, it sits in the back of my mind always even if i remain in contact.

37: Have you ever been cheated on?

— many times! but guess who cares? not me

38: Have you ever cheated on someone?

— indeed. i disgust myself, yeah thats right.

39: How often do you listen to music?

— almost everyday

40: First concert you attended

— Black Eyed Peas!!! hehe fergie was so hot. i remember thinking that when i was 10 and was like o.O am i a LEZ BEE IN?

41: Last movie you watched

— The Gentlemen

42: Favorite type of movie

— horror.

43: Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

— i kinda talk about everything bc the only way i know myself is through the stories ive gathered from living. but idk. there probably is and i just cant think

44: Are you good at hiding your feelings?

— if i want to, yes. but thats stupid so why try?

45: Do you fall in love easily?

— no. i get interested easily but i slip like sand thru peoples hands

46: Do you think people say I love you too much?

— i think some people say it too much but most people dont say it enough.

47: What’s your favorite holiday?

— christmas i guess but really i hate all of them

48: Are you a forgiving person? Do you like being that way?

— i am, sometimes i wish i had higher expectations and more defined boundaries.

49: Where’s the most magical place on earth?

— hot springs in Lake Arenal, Costa Rica.

50: What’s your “type”?

— mentally unstable, free thinker, intelligent, spontaneous, ability to be content staying in or going out

[pendragaryen]

Rewriting the stars -  The S5/Bellarke fanmix

- The way I see (and feel about) S5 of The 1OO

Over months and months I was drawing up this list, bc I just had the feeling to do so - for my own good. There were TOO MANY FEELS I had to work through concerning the last season. And so I developed this fanmix, which was only ever growing over the last couple of months. I wrote down my own thoughts to each and every song and why I was choosing it. But I think I’ll just leave it here with my thoughts concerning the timing/the person, moment or place I see them connected with. I had fun making this and I just wanted to share it at this point of the hiatus, bc it lasts waaaay too long. Can’t wait to see my bbs back on screen!

Beware of FEELS. A lot of them. But follow me folks, if you will, right down the rabbit hole of angst and excitement that was our season 5 of The 100. ;)

1. Afterglow (Bellarke, after S4, setting: Earth and space/the ring)

You left your ghost behind my door, it whispers you’ll be back for more, was it your intention to own and possess my soul? (C )

I got my days, I’m half alright, I found new things that make me smile, but then it hits me: They’re nothing compared to us (B)

Where are you now, who has my place? Hope when you kiss you see my face. No bad intentions, but I hope it’s not true love (C )

I threw our past against the wall, but I can’t wash your handprints off my soul. What the hell am I doing? Have I lost it all? (B)

I’m trying to make room for love but it’s crowded inside me. I know it’s time to let you go (B)

So won’t you come and get your ghost, your memory haunts me. I’m living on the afterglow (C )

2. All of the stars (Bellarke, after S4, setting: Earth and space/the ring)

It’s just another night and I’m staring at the moon, I saw a shooting star and thought of you

I wonder if you see them too

So open your eyes and see the way our horizons meet, and all of the lights will lead you into the night with me

And I know the scars will bleed, but both of our hearts believe, all of the stars will guide us home

3. Light years away (Bellarke, after S4, setting: Earth and space/the ring)

We only see it on the inside, imagine where it ever came from. Understand with all our insight, ‘cause what we see is already gone

The space between the systems, the space between you and me

The light in you that shines, so vast of its consistence, our life an instance in its time

Don’t you know we’re light years away...

4. It’s okay (Clarke Griffin/Bellarke, S5, after time-jump/six years later, setting: Earth, shallow valley)

I remember how you used to say ‘have no fear, it’ll be okay’, when you told me ‘anything you want is possible, we could have it all’

I believed in you, must have been a fool, all my dreams were with you

I say it’s okay, I can promise you it’s alright, you ain’t keeping me up all night no more. You’re not here but it’s okay, I assure you, babe, it’s alright, you ain’t keeping me up all night no more

5. Whatever it takes (Octavia/Blodreina/Wonkru, S5, setting: Earth, the bunker, “Red Queen”)

Everybody waiting for the fall of man, everybody praying for the end of times, everybody hoping they could be the one.

Break me down and built me up

Whatever it takes, ‘cause I love the adrenaline in my veins. I do whatever it takes, ‘cause I love how it feels when I break the chains

You take me to the top I’m ready for

6. Lovers on the sun (Bellarke, S5, setting: Earth, reunion, “Sleeping giants”)

Let’s light it up until our hearts catch fire, then show the world a burning light that never shined so bright

We never know what stands behind the door, but I got a feeling thats’s worth dying for

Just close your eyes and hold your breath, because it feels right. We’ll keep it moving until we make it to the other side

7. Delicate (Bellarke, S5, setting: Earth, Eligius-ship, reunion 2, “Pandora’s box”)

Is it chill that you’re in my head? ‘Cause I know that it’s delicate

Sometimes I wonder when you sleep, are you ever dreaming of me? Sometimes when I look into your eyes I pretend you’re mine all the damn time... ‘Cause I like you

We can’t make any promises now, can’t we, babe?

8. Hello heartache (Clarke Griffin/Bellarke/Becho, S5, setting: Earth, the desert, Becho reunion, “Shifting sands”)

I was stupid to think that I could stay

I seen your best sides, you got to see my worst. It’s not the first time, but this one really hurts, yeah this one’s gonna... It hurts...

Goodbye my friend, hello heartache, it’s not the end, it’s not the same

Do you know, do you care?

It’s not the end

9. In it with you (Clarke Griffin/Bellarke/Becho, S5, setting: Earth, the desert, after “Shifting sands”)

You took a blade, it went in deep, and it was tearin’ up inside you. Must’ve been sharper underneath, ‘cause there were scars I couldn’t undo.

What were you thinking? Why did you let go? I was still holding you. What were you thinking? Why didn’t I know when I was right there with you?

10. Dangerous (Zaven/Pirate mechanic, S5, setting: Earth, shallow valley)

I don’t know where the lights are taking us, but something in the night is dangerous.

And nothing’s holding back the two of us. Baby, this is getting serious.

11. Run (Clarke Griffin/Bellarke/Becho, S5, setting: Earth, the desert, Becho kiss 2, “Exit wounds”)

I sing it one last time for you, than we really have to go. You’ve been the only thing that’s right in all i’ve done

I can barely look at you

Light up, as if you have a choice. We’ll run for our lives.

I can hardly speak I understand, why you can’t raise your voice to say...

12. Scars to your beautiful (Clarke Griffin, S5, setting: Earth, after “Exit wounds”)

She don’t see the light that’s shining deeper than the eyes can find it. Maybe we’ve made her blind, so she tries to cover all her pain and cut her woes away.

There’s a hope that’s waiting for you in the dark. You should know you’re beautiful just the way you are. And you don’t have to change a thing, the world could change its heart.

No better you than the you that you are

No better time for you to shine, you’re a star

Oh, you’re beautiful, you are beautiful

13. Hush (Bellarke/Becho, S5, setting: Earth, after “Exit wounds”)

I wanted to keep you forever next to me. You know that I still do and all I wanted was to believe.

When I try to forget you I just keep on remembering. What we had, it was so true and somehow we lost everything.

14. I don’t know why (Bellarke, S5, setting: Earth, Polis/the bunker)

Now I’m lost in us. We’re living in a lying trust.

I don’t know why, but I guess it’s got something to do with you...

15. In my life (Octavia/Blodreina/Bellamy Blake, S5, setting: Earth, Polis/the bunker)

Can’t believe the things you said. I turn my head and walk away. You make me sick, you make me nervous.

In my life I decide and it turns me on how I am, how I live, who I love. In my way I feel strong and it turns me on. In my life I decide, I decide...

16. Atlas (Bellamy Blake/Octavia Blake/Clarke Griffin, S5, setting: Earth, Polis/the bunker, “Acceptable losses” and “How we get to peace”)

Some saw the sun, some saw the smoke. Some heard the gun, some bent the bow.

Show me the way, Lord, ‘cause I’m about to explode.

Carry your world. I’ll carry your world and all your hurt...

17. Find you’re gone (Bellarke, S5, setting: Earth, Polis/the bunker, shallow valley, post “Sic semper tyrannis” aka “The Slap”)

There should be grief but I feel none. Trying to leave the night behind I hardly get my thoughts in line. But there is one thing I could say, it seems I’m glad I find you’re gone

18. Heart of misery (Clarke Griffin/Madi/Bellamy Blake, S5, setting: Earth, desert/the bunker)

I don’t want to feel anything today, anything at all, I’ll just be alone. I just want to know that you want to know.

I don’t wanna live through another day. Meaningless to fight for your sympathy, I just wanna drown in the heart of misery.

One life forgot to be

One heart refuse to beat

One love is incomplete...

19. Someone you loved (Bellamy Blake/Bellarke, S5, setting: Earth, the bunker, “The warriors will”)

I’m going under and this time I fear there’s no one to save me. This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy.

I need somebody to heal, somebody to know, somebody to have, somebody to hold. It’s easy to say, but it’s never the same.

But now the day bleeds into nightfall and you’re not here to get me through it all. I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug. I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved...

20. deSolate (Bellamy Blake, S5, setting: Earth, bunker/fighting pit) 

21. White flag (Clarke Griffin/Bellarke, S5, setting: Earth, shallow valley, “Damocles 1″)

I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again. I caused nothing but trouble, I understand if you can’t talk to me again.

I will go down with this ship and I won’t put my hands up and surrender. There will be no white flag above my door.

I’m in love

and always will be...

22. You are (Bellarke, S5, setting: Earth, Eligius IV, “Damocles 2″)

If ever I wanted to run away, I’ll go only if you come with me. ‘Cause no-one can talk to my heart like you are.

I’d say you’re here in my heart, you’re in my heart.

You are my reason

You are the air I’m breathin’

23. O.k. (Bellarke, S5, setting: Space, Eligius IV, “Damocles 2″)

When I find myself in the middle, could you love me more just a little? Over-complicate, but it’s simple. Would you love me more, just a little?

So tell me now, when every star falls from the sky and every heart in the world breaks. Hold me now. When every ship is going down I don’t fear nothing when I hear you say: It’s gonna be o.k.

24. Someday (Bellarke, S5, setting: Space, Eligius IV, “Damocles 2″)

I believe we’ve come to where there’s no turning back

In a way I know that things have been going on for too long, it’s become too much

I’m not the one who walks away that easily. I try to believe in love

Someday, in another time and place, with a brighter, stronger flame, we’ll make it right. In some way there can be a miracle

I know that we can make it right...

25. Approaching lightspeed (The 100/Bellarke/Marper/All, time-jump/cryo-sleep, S5, setting: Space, Eligius IV, “Damocles 2″)

I try to breathe, I try to think of you. Don’t know if trying will do. The silence, a mirror, that breaks the lights in two.

We’ll discover what will make us free.

We’ll trying to stand where no-one dared to be.

When time stands still a moment lasts. We’re moving on, we’re flying fast, approaching lightspeed

26. Rewrite the stars (Bellarke, after time-jump, S5, setting: Space above the “New Earth”, Eligius IV, “Damocles 2″ Finale)

You're here in my heart So who can stop me if I decide that you're my destiny? 

All I want is to fly with you All I want is to fall with you So just give me all of you

Say that it's possible

How do we rewrite the stars? Say you were made to be mine Nothing can keep us apart 'Cause you are the one I was meant to find It's up to you And it's up to me No one can say what we get to be And why don't we rewrite the stars? Changing the world to be ours...

Insert Harper’s and Monty’s voices from the void:

Let’s show them how to live...

Be the good guys...

(And now I’m a crying mess... Thanks for staying with me, guys.)

~~~

I think that this’ll be a one time thing considering the amount of time and effort I brought up to create this and due to my job. But who knows: Maybe the new season is really kicking in and I’ll do something like that again. For now: That’s it, folks. I hope you guys like it - or maybe some parts of it. And bc I value your opions a lot I’m going to tag a few peeps I know from my notifications or who i admire and love from afar. (If you DON’T want to be tagged here, please let me know and I’ll delete your name again. ;) )

Thank you, fam! <3 <3 <3

@clarkgriffon, @katersann, @fyeahbellarke, @hereforbobmorley, @jasperjoordan, @raven-reyes-of-sunshine, @ringsabellamy, @sometimesrosy, @youleftme-clarke, @bellamywanheda100, @viviansternwood, @jordanjaspergreen, @lovethyblakes, @hostagetakerandhisgirlfriend, @clarkeywifey, @morleybobs, @clarkegriffintitties, @mimir-anoshe, @asroarke, @sly2o, @bellamyblake, @bellamynochillblake, @montygreen, @hostagetakerandhistraitor, @bellamys11thfreckle, @ricchardmadden and my beloved @merlination (no particular order)

[itssimplesimblr]

catching up with asks!

gonna answer under the cut bc there’s a few<3

1. aiden is v v gross, luckily alien mind control helps redeem his character!

2. @peppermintsimblr i have so much cc honestly!! and ive been collecting this cc for 1 1/2 years now, but ill probs release a cc list in the summer when i eventually sort through it!

3. @moved-to-chngbok o wow ily (this is so late omg)

4. this is the fam tree so far... i really need to update it! my plan is to update it every 3 gens, so once all of gen 6 has aged up in my game it’ll get an update :)

5. currently it’s 9 sims, but thats just bc i literally just moved so many out and the older generation died... was legit about 15 sims before the past few sim days

6. very cool :) kira was named after one of my close friends!

7. @neopixiesims atm my favourite sim is harper!! but y’all haven’t rlly met her that much (she still a toddler in the queue) so i’ll pick my second fave sim, kira :)

shes extremely passionate about exploring & hopes to introduce her kids to other countries one day, she’s very family-oriented and when she does something against her family she feels awful about it, kira is definitely a believer in “love at first sight”. she’s very happy she inherited her witch abilities & passed it down to her kids. she’s incredibly grateful for her ancestors’ hard work so that she could fulfil her wish in being a full time explorer (which doesn’t pay that much...)

8. @papayeexplosive thank you so much!<3

9. @kaleidoscopesandstars i can’t believe you read all of the lusk legacy (5 gens!) in an hour, wow, i’m impressed! i’m glad you’re retrying your legacy :) it’s always so fun when a burst of inspiration/motivation comes to finish off that gen! to make my same-sex couples pregnant i used nraas i believe! and wow, you really are a fan of the older generations (tbh me too). i do miss the older generations a lot, especially elena!

[jui-imouto-chan]

Part 10 of the Mostly Human AU

Level Select:

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9

Getting through to the last of the suggestions from @manadrite ‘s most recent comment (as of posting this)! I love having suggestions, keep ‘em coming!

Connor isn’t one to get terribly scared. He actually gets a thrill from scary situations.

His sense of self-preservation is startlingly low, for a being granted with immeasurable intelligence. At least, that’s what Hank claims.

Furthermore, Connor loves Horror. From movies to novels to images, he loves things made to be scary.

- Connor may or may not have had a weird crush on Slenderman for like a week. 

Maybe it was the towering height and the lack of a face, or maybe it was the slim fitting suit that made the creature so appealing to him.

Okay maybe Connor has a suit kink.

When he sees Gavin in an officer’s clothing and finds the man slightly attractive, it’s clear that he just straight (pfft) up has a uniform kink.

Connor will take this newfound information to the  g r a v e.

Connor goes to see a horror movie with Hank and the twins, and he’s ecstatic. 

He puts all of the pieces together detective style to figure out how the protagonists are either gonna die or solve the problem while Collin and Conan grip their seats a bit too tight and while Hank mutters flaws about the movie under his breath.

“This scene does not include a lap dance.” 

“What was that?” 

“Nothing!”

By the end of the movie, Collin and Conan had migrated to partially hide behind Connor, and Connor points this out to them.

They lie and say they were getting sleepy, and were dozing off on his seat.

Connor goes with it with a knowing smirk and a wink, mischief twinkling in his eyes.

Connor goes missing one day.

They try to give him a call when he they don’t see him that morning, but they receive no answer.

Hank and the twins storm through the house, upturning furniture and looking under the beds, in the closets, outside. He’s nowhere to be found.

They call up all of his friends, but nobody knows where he is.

The DCPD gets at least fifteen calls all at once reporting Connor missing.

While everyone is freaking out, Connor is actually, in fact, not missing.

He is out for a walk, Sumo at the vet’s for a check up and grooming, and he spots an animal shelter/pet shop. 

There are dogs and cats in cages by the windows, and Connor gravitates towards them without thought to anything else.

He enters the shop and, after talking with the person behind the counter for ten minutes, is surrounded by animals, all vying for his attention.

He’d never seen a cat before this, and honestly, he now holds cats to the same regard as dogs. 

It’s his first time seeing a lot of animals, all of them immensely cute. He giggles when a rabbit nibbles on his pointer finger.

The employee who allowed this to happen is melting against the counter, everything is too much. Too cute. 

The employee pulls out a camera and records, knowing the manager would love to use this as an ad. 

Connor already gave his consent for any media that his interaction might appear in, so it’s all gucci, even though Connor’s too preoccupied with the animals to even realize he’s being recorded.

Connor is there for a few hours, all of the time considered blissful to the android.

The video was sent to the editor as soon as the employee got clips of Connor interacting with each and every one of the animals. 

It's edited impressively quickly, yet still professionally; the editor accredited it to “passion”. 

When the ad goes up on all of the shelter/shop ‘s social media, with Connor tagged in the photo, everything halts.

Connor finally registers that his phone, being sat on by two guinea pigs, is ringing.

He answers it, and is disappointed when he's told to return home immediately by Hank. Hank sounds angry, distressed, and relieved all at once.

The employee reassures him, telling him that he can return whenever he’d like.

There’s an issue when Connor is on his way home, however, as he gets attacked. 

A man tries to mug him with a knife to his throat, pushing him into an alleyway, and while Connor manages to push him away, he doesn’t anticipate the man having accomplices.

He gets a few surprise stab wounds that go into some biocomponents, but their timers are set to at least an hour before he shuts down.

He defeats his attackers and sends Hank his location, telling him that he needs emergency care needs to be taken to Kamski as soon as possible.

His systems kick him into sleep mode against a cold alley wall to preserve thirium, which leaks copiously from his many wounds.

Connor wakes up to the ceiling of Kamski’s “operating” room, vaguely wondering if the past few months had been the equivalent of a dream, if he had imagined all of the friends he’d made and all of the things he’d experienced.

The thought...saddens Connor.

Luckily, a few minutes after he awakens, he hears Hank’s gruff voice and a plethora of footsteps approaching the room he’s in.

Connor goes to sit up, but winces in pain. His movement brings up a prompt, asking if he’d like to interface with the android equivalent of an IV, though it contains a liquid that promotes self-reparation at the cost of his mental capabilities being lowered until his wounds are healed.

TL;DR, it’s the closest Connor can get to pain killing medication.

He accepts the interface and he suddenly feels...oddly happy?

Everything is moving around the slightest bit and Connor can’t help but smile. Everything was great and he was having fun, sitting on the table. 

He giggles drunkenly.

His wounds are slowly closing themselves, and he scoots to the edge of the table while humming an unknown tune. He smiles triumphantly once his knees finally hang over the edge, he kicks them and rocks his head side to side.

When everyone enters the room, he’s surrounded by people and get-well gifts and he’s just so happy. He really doesn’t think of the consequences of his actions.

So that’s exactly why he thanks them all with hugs and kisses, skin tingly and buzzing while his chest feels warm and full.

The members of Jericho are frozen when he gives them all kisses to the cheek, and then all of them simultaneously slap a hand onto their cheek and stare at each other with pink faces. Daniel and Simon both duck their heads while Josh pulls his hood over his face and rugs on the drawstrings. North is suddenly more occupied with poking Markus’ red cheeks and teasing him as he shakes.

Hank tries to fight him off, but eventually relents, ruffling his hair bashfully. Conan and Collin both turn their heads as he approaches their cheeks, leading to him kissing both of them on the lips, though he just laughs good naturedly when they both nod at each other and go to opposite sides of the room, ears red.

Ralph and the Jerrys are surprisingly shy when Connor kisses them, but Ralph gives him a kiss on the cheek back, while the Jerrys all rub their necks and look away with silly grins.

Luther and Kara let Alice take their share of kisses, and she presses a kiss to Connor’s nose.

Rupert tries to escape Connor, but the brunette grabs his sleeve and gives him a kiss to the temple. Rupert immediately tries to flee the room, and Connor waves. Rupert hesitates before waving back and running away.

Connor goes to give Gavin a kiss, too, but the detective shoves a homemade cupcake in his mouth before he can. He still manages to give the guy a hug, though.

Kamski approaches, by Connor’s hug and kiss for him are stolen by Chloe, who had just snapped out of her shock at seeing Connor surrounded by a goddamn harem.

She growls at everyone in the room, sans Alice, Hank, Kara, and Luther.

Kamski is kinda concerned?? People don’t growl like that, wtf.

Also, he’s kinda upset that she’s keeping him from getting affection from his own creation but he’s not about to let his head get ripped off today

Chloe says that there’s too many people in the room, it’s getting late, and that Connor should get some more rest so that he can recover completely.

She tries to sound pleasant, but she really just sounds threatening af

Once she’s sufficiently scared the fuck out of everyone there and gotten them to leave, she puts her hands on Connor’s shoulders and tries to explain that nobody is allowed to touch him bc he’s too precious and, “nobody deserves you. This world doesn’t deserve you. The G-Man in the sky doesn’t even deserve you u pure boi.”

He doesn’t remember a word of this in the morning, but Chloe doesn’t know that.

He goes home in Hank’s car, Sumo already back from the vet and now laying across his lap, and finds out that Conan and Collin are at registration for their next year of college 

(lol idk if thats something u have to go do at college, im 15 and clueless)

Next Level: College Care Packages and Birthday Parties (suggested by @supposedlymatureadult )

X | Continue to Next Level

O | Save Progress and Quit to Main Menu

————————————— •

I think I got carried away with the kissing but I just really wanted Connor to be overly affectionate. At least I didn’t go down the sexual route.

Leave suggestions in the notes or in my ask, along with any questions, comments, and anything else!

Side note: If you want to receive notice of this AU but not the other random things I post/reblog (don’t worry I‘m not offended if that’s the case), I’m marking them all with #Jui’s Mostly Human AU in the tags, so you can follow that instead if that’s preferable!

[mooosicaldreamz]

(1) help! i don't know if i'm gay or not!! i don't have anyone to talk about this so im so sorry to dump it on you. you might not even answer this and that's ok bc i can't expect you to feel comfortable in answering. i won't be offended. i just need someone to read this. i read so much wlw fanfiction. i feel so comfortable being in fandoms that support wlw. when i masturbate i see myself as the guy pleasuring the girl.

(2) that line in your latest fic “animal” really stuck out to me, the one where lena was in the club and she goes “there was no disgust, only wonder.” that line is how i feel towards the lgbtq community. i have a few gay friends but i feel like im supposed to have more to be considered a “true member.” i feel like im a fraud bc i don’t dress like a gay person bc i don’t even know what that means. but i love being around women. i want to be around women for the rest of my life.

(3) i feel more comfortable around women than i do men. i’ve had a boyfriend in the past and that was not a good experience and ive been told i can’t jump to conclusions just because of one boy. i always want to kiss a girl and be with a girl but i feel like my attraction isn’t valid bc i haven’t been with a girl ever before. im so fucking shy. it sounds strange to say but i feel so goddamn ugly. too ugly for any girl to want to be with me. i just want to know that im not crazy.

(4) sorry for the spam! tl;dr, i feel in my heart of hearts that women have a special priority in my life that i just can’t put into words. i just don’t know how i fit in with the lgbtq community or if they’ll accept me, because i don’t “look” gay and i don’t have a lot of gay friends. if i want women to be my priority in life, does that make me a lesbian? gay? i like men bc sometimes they’re pretty, but that’s it. what the fuck does this mean? i’m terrified of being wrong about myself.

(5) for now i have no label for myself. i’m not straight. but i don’t even know if i’m allowed to be gay. thanks for reading. i know this was a lot. i don’t want to feel so confused anymore. i reached out to you bc i love the way you wrote lena’s journey in the “animal” fic. i feel like i have a lot of wonder for the lgbtq community as of now, but i’m dying to know if i have a place there or not.

i’m going to break down my response into little digestible numbered chunks which are hopefully somewhat helpful/reassuring

1) okay first i think i’d probably like to say that i am by no means an authority on what it means to be gay or bi or in general of the community~ so you know. don’t take me as word of god or anything.

2) you don’t have to know if you’re gay or not. when i was about 16 i started reading wlw fanfiction and realized i was like……super into it and it spiralled out from there for me. i’ve known ppl who have known they were for certain gay or bi since they were 10 and i’ve known ppl who’ve figured it out in their 20s and 30s. you don’t HAVE to know a damn thing. and it’s okay if you’re not gay too. people grow and change throughout the entirety of their lifetime and you have time to figure yourself out always and forever.

3) there are no rules to being gay (there are also no rules to being straight), so you don’t have to be a certain way ever and if anyone tells u you have to be then they’re stupid. you don’t have to dress a certain way or act a certain way to be anything. you can be you. you don’t have to fit into an exact category to be gay. you don’t have to have gay friends to be gay either. when i was working thru my major identity issues while i was a teenager, i didn’t know anyone who was gay either. there’s no rules in this way.

4) you don’t have to have been with a girl, either - theoretically, at some point, every gay woman has never been with a girl, but that doesn’t mean that who they are and how their attractions work aren’t valid. the very existence of your feelings mean that they exist and are valid. if anyone tells you you can’t be gay because you’ve never been with a girl tell me their address and i will punch them.

5) people who say that you shouldn’t base your opinion on dating dudes on one experience are stupid and are misunderstanding the root issue. if you want to date dudes, date dudes, and if you don’t, then don’t. that’s how simple it is. if you want to date women, then date them. you don’t have to have an exact label. just do you.

6) on a similar note, i can’t label you for you because that would be dickish! it sounds to me like you’re struggling with your identity and i support you exploring and understanding yourself. idk if you wanting women to be a priority in life means that you’re gay because only you can define that for yourself. ftr, i also think dudes are pretty. i would maybe date one 1 out of 10 times, but i still pretty much define myself as gay. and that’s cool. 

7) i want to address specifically your sentence "i’m terrified of being wrong about myself” because i really truly believe that no one can be wrong about themselves. you are yourself, you are the one who gets to make the rules about you and what you are and who you are going to be. you literally cannot be wrong. there are stupid ppl in this world who might tell you you have to be a certain way to be any one thing, but that is false. you can be what you are. that’s that. for real. i know i sound like a fuckin self-help book but i don’t care, it’s the facts. i understand about societal pressures and shit but when it comes to your mind and body, you are the owner of you. so you can’t be wrong about it.

8) you are super allowed to be gay. there’s no test. no one checks you at the door at pride and makes sure you fit in.

9) it’s okay to be confused. i, a person who has been pretty aware of my interests since i was 15, am still confused. you don’t have to know everything about yourself before you let yourself try something. in fact, there’s a likelihood you won’t know a damn thing until you try. i recently learned that i like red peppers! i thought for YEARS that i hated red peppers. i thought for a long time that dating a girl would be weird and uncomfortable because i thought - stupidly - that dating a girl would just be different than what love or dating was supposed to be. and it’s not. i tried it and i like it and i’m happy. but you also don’t have to like it once you try it.

10) the tldr version of my response to your questions is this: you can be you, whatever that is. you don’t have to fit a label or pass a test. it’s okay to be uncertain and anxious and confused; there are tons of people who have gone through things like what you’re going through. i’m one of them. so don’t be afraid. there is a place for you in the lgbtq community if you want a place. 

i have NO idea if that was helpful. but for real, i’m with you and support you, okay? you are valid whatever way you are. 

[admirablemushroom]

chat with a stranger

[7:43 PM] ttd29: Tell me more about him [7:43 PM] ttd29: What is it that you like so much about this guy who doesnt respond to your needs? [7:43 PM] Theodore: ok so we met by playing dota2 together [7:44 PM] Theodore: he was a very nice guy who didn't scold me for feeding the enemies [7:44 PM] ttd29: Ok great start

[7:44 PM] Theodore: so for some reason i asked him his fb and we started to become friends [7:45 PM] Theodore: at the time i was dating a girl [7:45 PM] Theodore: i sent a few memes to him [7:45 PM] Theodore: u know, from r/suddenlygay, etc [7:46 PM] ttd29: Wait you’re bi? [7:46 PM] Theodore: you can say so... [7:46 PM] ttd29: Lol interesting [7:46 PM] ttd29: Anyway go on [7:47 PM] Theodore: i usually go by being gay in order to avoid surprise moments like this [7:47 PM] Theodore: anyway [7:47 PM] Theodore: we got closer and closer [7:48 PM] Theodore: i even asked him how to kiss a girl before i got that girl [7:48 PM] Theodore: then one day he was comfortable enof to admit that he's bi [7:49 PM] Theodore: and i eventually dumped my ex-gf bc i was an asshole [7:50 PM] Theodore: in my defense i felt tired to fake my masculinity [7:50 PM] ttd29: No need to defend yourself [7:50 PM] ttd29: At least you didnt cheat [7:50 PM] Theodore: then a few days later i met him in a coffee shop [7:50 PM] Theodore: that was our first meeting [7:51 PM] Theodore: and we started hanging out more often [7:51 PM] Theodore: after 2 meetings, we became boyfriends [7:53 PM] Theodore: ok after this point there was no major event [7:53 PM] Theodore: he also gave me a book 'call me by ur name' [7:53 PM] ttd29: How long did you guys date? [7:54 PM] Theodore: in the book, he signed "you're the best thing that ever happened to me" [7:54 PM] Theodore: the book has been given away to one of my friends [7:55 PM] Theodore: i can go on about how disgusting that book is but maybe another time [7:55 PM] Theodore: (not his fault, Andre aciman's fault) [7:55 PM] Theodore: then i took a 6-month exchange study [7:55 PM] Theodore: so we maintained our communication online [7:56 PM] Theodore: after getting back to vn, we went out together again [7:56 PM] Theodore: then we had arguments about this and that, i remember i was a pretty rude guy and i raised my tone a lot of times.... [7:57 PM] Theodore: must've been tiring for him to go thru all that [7:58 PM] Theodore: at the peak of the conflict, one day we were arguing about something i dont remember but pretty sure i started first [7:58 PM] Theodore: he left in the middle of the convo to play video games [7:58 PM] Theodore: which i was very angry and sad [7:59 PM] Theodore: but he also quit the match to talk to me [7:59 PM] Theodore: and u know, i was not a considerate person, i usually started a fight and made a fuss about anything [8:00 PM] Theodore: and when im stressed, i write a lot [8:00 PM] Theodore: and when i write a lot, whoever read it gets stressed too [8:01 PM] Theodore: ok i see u went offline lol, prolly u got stressed too [8:02 PM] ttd29: Lol relax [8:03 PM] ttd29: I just took a shower [8:04 PM] ttd29: And then after that what happened? [8:05 PM] Theodore: wait me, i need to finish the monstrosity i cooked [8:06 PM] ttd29: =))))) [8:06 PM] ttd29: Oke [8:20 PM] Theodore: ok so at one point i just straight up told him dont talk to me anymore [8:20 PM] Theodore: which i very regret til this day [8:21 PM] Theodore: after that text, he never answered me again [8:21 PM] Theodore: he didn't respond to anything [8:21 PM] Theodore: basically he ghosted me [8:21 PM] ttd29: For a year??? [8:22 PM] Theodore: yes [8:22 PM] Theodore: i had been through a lot of confusion, anger, self hate, regret, depression, you name it [8:22 PM] ttd29: And he never talked to you again until now? [8:23 PM] Theodore: i kept messaging him for months, until July last year i told him this would be my last text (it wasn't), which he also didnt read [8:24 PM] Theodore: and a few days ago my depression hit me so bad i had to bring up that shit again [8:24 PM] Theodore: this time i talked with a mutual friend of us [8:25 PM] Theodore: along the lines i told my fren that 'the only reason i haven't commit suicide is because my mom would be sad if i did' [8:25 PM] Theodore: my fren told my ex that i wanted to commit suicide... [8:25 PM] Theodore: -.- [8:25 PM] ttd29: Quào [8:25 PM] ttd29: Okay [8:26 PM] ttd29: Great friend [8:26 PM] ttd29: =)) [8:26 PM] ttd29: After that then what happened [8:27 PM] Theodore: anyway, i also sent him a few words that said 'i dont understand how things went wrong but im sure whatever my mistakes are, i am not deserved to be ghosted for a year like this' [8:27 PM] Theodore: after i filed a request to delete my fb account [8:27 PM] Theodore: so i told my fren find some way to make him read my last message before the account got deleted completely [8:28 PM] Theodore: actually he completed what i asked him to do, but the way he did it was a bit questionable wasn't it [8:28 PM] Theodore: in some way, he distorted what i said about suicide [8:29 PM] ttd29: Yeah that was totally not cool [8:29 PM] Theodore: anyway, my ex sent me an email to apologize bc i blocked him on all media [8:29 PM] Theodore: before i received the email, i felt like i was reborn [8:30 PM] Theodore: that i could finally give up the past and move on to the new chapter [8:30 PM] Theodore: but then... the email =.= [8:30 PM] Theodore: i just wanted him to read, i didn't want an answer anymore [8:30 PM] Theodore: it is too late for an answer [8:31 PM] Theodore: anyway i got stressed again and my emails sent to him got longer and longer [8:32 PM] Theodore: he eventually responded that he was super tired with this way of talking of mine and that's one of the reasons he gave up the relationship [8:32 PM] Theodore: i guess he had a point, i sometimes feel like im overdramatic about things [8:32 PM] Theodore: and yes when im stressed i'd write a lot and talk a lot [8:32 PM] ttd29: Yeah well [8:33 PM] ttd29: Now where are you guys? [8:33 PM] ttd29: Still exchanging emails? [8:33 PM] Theodore: so fast forward a few emails, i got friendlier and finally connected to him on discord [8:34 PM] Theodore: i dont really use discord but im not ready to reconnect with him on any other platform [8:34 PM] Theodore: so this is the choice [8:35 PM] ttd29: And you guys are talking normally now? [8:35 PM] Theodore: i guess??? idk, i dont feel that way [8:35 PM] Theodore: but, as i said, his mom is going thru cancer treatment [8:35 PM] Theodore: so he must be very busy and, in his words, he did not have the mental capacity for this [8:36 PM] Theodore: so yeah, although i really want to get back, i still feel like im chasing him [8:36 PM] ttd29: Okay got it [8:37 PM] Theodore: id been already texting to a ghost for almost a year, now i still have to try to get his attention [8:37 PM] Theodore: but [8:37 PM] Theodore: i cant blame him because who knows what his situation right now [8:37 PM] ttd29: Was about to ask why do you want to get back together but realize that’s a redundant question lol [8:38 PM] Theodore: here [8:38 PM] Theodore: also cuz he's cute so it's not that easy :frowning: [8:38 PM] ttd29: =))) [8:38 PM] ttd29: Lol [8:39 PM] ttd29: Cute guys are abundant out there waiting for you [8:39 PM] ttd29: Anyway [8:39 PM] Theodore: just enjoy my awkward humor amidst a stressful story [8:39 PM] ttd29: I kind of understand what you’re going through [8:39 PM] ttd29: Enough to know that you wont be rational right now lol [8:39 PM] Theodore: ... [8:39 PM] Theodore: thats disappointing [8:40 PM] ttd29: If i tell you he’s not the right guy for you, would you suddenly stop wanting him? [8:40 PM] ttd29: I don’t think so [8:41 PM] Theodore: that's what u think [8:41 PM] Theodore: this afternoon u said something that was quite impressing [8:41 PM] Theodore: but now it's not cuz i forgot [8:41 PM] ttd29: :slight_smile: [8:41 PM] ttd29: I said [8:41 PM] ttd29: It’s okay to miss someone [8:42 PM] Theodore: here [8:42 PM] ttd29: But you need to be rational enough to know whether they are good for you [8:42 PM] ttd29: That’s the more important part of the equation [8:43 PM] Theodore: it's so pity to give up such a beautiful story like that, i literally could turn it into a wattpad series which makes fangirls cry out every night [8:43 PM] Theodore: what we had together was so romantic and any relationship which came after was incomparable [8:44 PM] ttd29: This right here my fren [8:44 PM] ttd29: Is why every relationship comes after are not comparable [8:45 PM] ttd29: You havent fully dealt with your shit yet so everyone else are just rebounds [8:45 PM] ttd29: You think they would cure you, but you need to cure yourself first [8:45 PM] Theodore: i never found any friends that were so compatible with me like him, let alone a lover [8:46 PM] Theodore: for real, if i had great friends, i could have just turned to my friends and never given a shit about him [8:46 PM] Theodore: but i've always been a lonely person [8:47 PM] ttd29: Do you ever think [8:47 PM] ttd29: You’re so consumed by your pain, that you’re not letting your friends in? [8:47 PM] Theodore: ive been always like this since kindergarten [8:48 PM] ttd29: Like what? [8:48 PM] Theodore: alone [8:49 PM] ttd29: Lol it’s all connected together now [8:50 PM] ttd29: You’re always alone. So once you found someone who cares, you put wayyy too much pressure on that person to care for you [8:50 PM] Theodore: wow [8:50 PM] ttd29: So they cracked [8:51 PM] ttd29: Yeah [8:51 PM] ttd29: At least that’s the vibe I got from our conversations [8:52 PM] ttd29: And then you never really let anyone in to care for you after that person left. [8:52 PM] ttd29: I’m sure your friends really care about you. But you don’t tell them how they can help you so they must be frustrated as well [8:52 PM] ttd29: Hence the suicidal distortion thingy [8:53 PM] ttd29: Maybe they were concerned and wanted to help, but didnt know how to [8:54 PM] Theodore: hmmm [8:54 PM] Theodore: w8 me, im on a phone call w mum [8:54 PM] Theodore: brb [8:54 PM] ttd29: Oke [9:12 PM] Theodore: you are right about the whole thing [9:12 PM] Theodore: i wouldn't say i didn't let anyone care me after he left [9:13 PM] Theodore: it's just hard for me to connect with someone on that deep level [9:13 PM] Theodore: i used to be quite clingy around friends who i found compatible with me [9:14 PM] Theodore: but at the end of the day, i think it's important to know that they also have their own lives [9:14 PM] Theodore: so i dont really have friends anymore, cuz i feel like im bothering them [9:15 PM] ttd29: What is this deep level that you were able to connect with the guy? [9:15 PM] Theodore: yeah i have best friends here and there but i dont find myself comfortable as i was with my ex [9:17 PM] Theodore: he's both a best friend and a lover; we shared a lot of hobbies and favorite topics, ... and also i felt like he would always be there to lend me an ear, unlike a normal friend [9:17 PM] Theodore: which has been proved to be incorrect lol [9:17 PM] ttd29: Sounds like you need a hug lol [9:18 PM] Theodore: i really appreciate that u are staying here to listen to me [9:18 PM] Theodore: and u gave some very interesting insights that no one else did [9:18 PM] Theodore: prolly becuz they didn't care enof, or they just wanted to quickly conclude my problems so they could go to sleep [9:19 PM] ttd29: Haha i’m flattered [9:19 PM] ttd29: Idk you just sound like you really need to talk this out [9:20 PM] Theodore: and now that we're connected on discord, i kept getting mixed signals from him [9:20 PM] ttd29: I believe being able to talk about our problems always help [9:20 PM] Theodore: i'm a bit obsessed to discord recently and i found myself waiting for a dm from him [9:20 PM] Theodore: :neutral_face: [9:21 PM] ttd29: You know what your problem is? [9:21 PM] Theodore: i dont want to... you know... after all the shit ive been thru, i now have to continue waiting for him [9:21 PM] ttd29: You never really get a full closure from him [9:22 PM] ttd29: I mean he just ghosted you out of the blue. Then he only came back and apologized when he thought you were going to committ suicide [9:22 PM] Theodore: yes, please continue [9:22 PM] ttd29: You never got a sincere apology [9:23 PM] Theodore: you are right... [9:23 PM] ttd29: That’s why you’re so hung up [9:23 PM] ttd29: And you got your own problems to fix to [9:23 PM] ttd29: Starting from your “clinginess” [9:24 PM] ttd29: He’s not going to fix that problem for you [9:24 PM] ttd29: And if you guys got back together, you will eventually break up again, because the root of the problem was never resolved [9:24 PM] Theodore: you are right [9:25 PM] ttd29: I don’t want to tell you what to do. But you surely deserve an in-person, sincere apology from him, for leaving you in the worst way possible [9:26 PM] Theodore: i suppose [9:26 PM] Theodore: but he's in an emotional distress, so i cant really blame him, or expect anything from him [9:26 PM] Theodore: im thinking about ending this come-back plan from my side [9:27 PM] Theodore: i think he wont give a shit lol, because he also said we would still break up if none of us changed [9:28 PM] ttd29: Yeah so if he is aware of that [9:28 PM] Theodore: i really thought i had improved myself as a person after all the regret, but now that we found out that i still have a tendency to cling to people i care about and that makes them suffocated [9:28 PM] ttd29: And if he really did love you and respect you enough, he would understand you need this, Theodore. [9:29 PM] ttd29: This is your problem that you need to work on improving [9:29 PM] Theodore: need what? an apology? [9:29 PM] ttd29: Yes [9:29 PM] ttd29: A sincere apology [9:29 PM] ttd29: Not an “i only apologize because i think you’re going to commit suicide” [9:30 PM] Theodore: you are right, the moment i knew that was the reason he apologized, i was shocked and disappointed [9:30 PM] Theodore: shall i keep waiting for anything from him? [9:30 PM] ttd29: Just text him that [9:31 PM] Theodore: no, i dont want to [9:31 PM] ttd29: :))) if i were there, I would snatch the phone from you and text him myself [9:31 PM] Theodore: u seem like a cool friend to be around :)) [9:31 PM] ttd29: You said he was mature enough to know it’s not a good idea to get back together [9:32 PM] ttd29: So be it [9:32 PM] ttd29: But he must admit he was wrong [9:32 PM] ttd29: Wrong to treat you like that [9:32 PM] Theodore: i also asked him for an in-person meeting but he declined becuz he's busy with his mom [9:33 PM] Theodore: i think it will take a long time for him to get over that, and by that time he will have forgotten about me probably lol [9:33 PM] ttd29: Or via text, or via email or whatever. [9:33 PM] ttd29: Get him to apologize sincerely [9:34 PM] Theodore: he did apologize me multiple times [9:34 PM] ttd29: Okay fine [9:34 PM] ttd29: If you’re think they’re sincere then they are [9:34 PM] Theodore: even on discord, one time he asked me how i was doing and i told him about my depression and he apologized [9:34 PM] ttd29: But if they are not then you should get one [9:34 PM] ttd29: Omg no that’s not sincere [9:34 PM] ttd29: :slight_smile: [9:34 PM] Theodore: ??? its not [9:35 PM] Theodore: how do i know [9:35 PM] ttd29: Why must his apology always be connected to your mental state [9:35 PM] Theodore: he's not capable of writing dancing words like me [9:35 PM] Theodore: idk?? [9:35 PM] Theodore: so it's not sincere... [9:36 PM] ttd29: A sincere apology should be when you guys are both in normal state [9:36 PM] ttd29: And you know that he’s really sorry for what he did [9:37 PM] ttd29: Not just because he thinks saying sorry would make you not depressed/want to commit suicide/etc [9:37 PM] Theodore: got it [9:37 PM] Theodore: aww fren thanks for helping me realize it [9:38 PM] Theodore: maybe i still have feelings for him and want us to be back so i did put the bar quite low for an apology [9:38 PM] ttd29: Lol I need to consider becoming a mental therapy [9:39 PM] ttd29: Yeah to be frank I don’t think getting back together is a good idea [9:39 PM] ttd29: You need to deal with your emotional baggage first [9:39 PM] Theodore: okay [9:39 PM] Theodore: so no waiting for him [9:39 PM] ttd29: Yeah!!!! [9:39 PM] ttd29: Work on yourself [9:40 PM] Theodore: ok... [9:40 PM] Theodore: haizzz... [9:40 PM] Theodore: such a beautiful story

[your-iron-lung]

tagged by @eloarei​ for ANOTHER MEMEARINO BOYS (tho i didnt see it earlier so im just now doing it despite being tagged a while ago?)

The rules: go to page 7 of your WIP, go to the seventh line, share seven sentences, and tag 7 more people.

i dont uh

have 7 fandom wips some are.... ORIGINAL CONTENT sorry 

first up is a future scene from mixed up that... ill finish writing eventually even though its been 4 years.....

He was about to clarify what he meant when he realized his question was rather open ended and non-direct, but Zoro seemed to know what he meant when he answered.

“Being vulnerable,” he said, adjusting his posture slightly.

“Vulnerable?” Sanji repeated, frowning slightly. He cast Zoro a confused look, but he just nodded in return.

“When I was a kid,” Zoro said, sitting up now to explain. “A lot of stuff was happening around me that I couldn’t control.”

He paused, his face becoming drawn and tight as he recalled the events of his past. Sanji waited patiently, watching as Zoro grabbed a handful of sand and let it spill back out onto the beach.

Sanji had never seen him look so lost in thought.

second is from a harringrove one shot but idk if ill ever finish/post it entirely lol

Billy didn’t miss the hint of annoyance in Steve’s voice, but how the hell was he supposed to explain to him that it was a big deal? About how the last time he’d had a boy over to ‘see his room’, he’d wound up in the hospital? There were risks involved when it came to visiting the Hargrove household under Billy’s name, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to let Steve sign that waiver.

Sitting on the hood of Billy’s Camaro, Steve stared out into the abyss of the quarry with a distant look in his eye. In one hand he held a cigarette, and in the other he held a half drunk beer that had warmed up too much for him to properly enjoy.

“What’s there to see?” Huffing on his own cigarette, he moved to stand in front of Steve and slapped at his legs until he spread them. Sidling in between them, he tried to play it cool and took Steve’s beer away from him, finishing it off in one messy gulp. “I got a mirror, a bed, and some hot chicks on the wall. Normal shit.”

this bit is from an old old OLLDD one piece zosan fic i was writing many many years ago that ive started rewritign

That way, he got what he wanted out of the encounter and they got what they paid for.

Easy.

Like him, if the rumors were to be believed. Which, of course, they weren’t.

His business life and pleasure life were entirely separate. Just because he could be coaxed into sleeping with someone for money when he was on the job did not mean he would readily sleep with anyone who asked. He had a career to protect, after all.

Despite how openly he advertised himself, a great majority of the people who called upon him for his services tended to call him at night, either too ashamed or embarrassed to hook up during the day.

this one is from a one piece one shot idk if ill finish that was supposed to be kind of funny

Of course, traveling on the Grand Line made the seasons unpredictable. One day they could be docked at a beautiful spring island, and the next be sailing through a winter zone that was so cold one could hardly remember ever being warm. The winters were never any match for Sanji’s culinary expertise, though. He served the ladies coffees mixed with peppermint, chocolate, vanilla, and a variety of other things to keep it interesting, but they’d been traveling through a peculiar climate that had left him stumped with what sort of drink he ought to be serving his ladies.

It was a climate that felt like fall, but acted more like a harsh winter. The islands were clustered close together in this part of the Grand Line, and where they should have been in similar seasonal states, they differed. None of them had ever seen anything quite like it before, and when he’d asked Nami about it, all she could say was that it must have been a transitional area somehow; a part of the Grand Line that was stuck in a median where it was neither truly fall, nor truly winter.

NO READ MORES BC I LIKE SHARING

this one is about my oc and my friends oc tha ti started writing....3 years ago? its never gonna get finished lel

“Look, can y’least give me a shoulder, huh?” Peter said as he lurched forward towards Keith, sounding breathless. “I kinnae make it on me own. ‘s dark. Kinnae even see where ‘m goin’.”

Keith paused and faced him, frowning, but relinquished himself to give him support. He heard a breathy sigh of relief blow past his ear when Peter slouched down upon him and grimaced miserably as he dragged the drunkard along the walk with one of his arms flopped across his shoulders.

“Did you ‘appen to see that girl at the bar?” Peter asked, gripping Keith’s shoulder loosely off and on. “Did you see ‘ow she kept givin me those looks? I coulda gone with her, but here I am, with you.”

“You are making me wanting to drop you,” Keith growled in warning, lowering the shoulder he had Peter propped on, already prepared to do so.

another thing about the same ocs as before lol but i kno im not gonna finish this one probably

They should be so lucky to be given the chance to perform with the great Peter Saint Peter, somethingsomething extraordinaire.

Whatever his opinion was on the matter, though, it didn’t change anything about his situation.

He already had a few people interested in renting out their living rooms for his tour, but they wouldn’t be interested for long if he couldn’t find someone to support him.

“There’s got to be someone,” he hissed in irritation, scowling as he scrolled down his Facebook feed. “Tell me honestly, Kelley, does everyone in London bloody hate me?”

“Well, I know I do.” Across the room and sitting at his shabby excuse for a kitchen table, Kelley looked bored and utterly despondent. 

and yep thats it

thats only 6 i kno but thats all I GOT 

no tags bc i dont know anyone :^)

[pastelacrylics]

im gonna throw up bc i feel sick but this one’s for you babe 😘

Assault TW under the cut

Alright so the date started out pretty fucking fantastic and we were just being dumb kids and playing basketball, harmless and fun, right? right. anyways it was pretty good shit. we went downstairs and like an idiot i try to show him my favorite video game. it doesnt go well and he gives up but whatever. then my sister (i love her shes great and joined us up until this point) suggested playing minecraft. now, i hate minecraft. it is all the wrong shapes and triggers my ocd. i have lots of trouble with this and its dumb, i know. seeing that i was upset, he was pretty nice and said “maybe later” but like then suggested watching greys anatomy

now greys anatomy is the shit. i love it. its my absolute favorite show but it freaks my little sister out so she left. nows a good time to mention that prior o the date i said i wanna take shit really slow. like super fucking slow. that im autistic and it takes me a while to get comfortable with physical contact and i dont want that. that im ace and not interested in sex wit him. that he should avoid sexual situations bc idk what ill do. that i dont even romantically like him, just have lots of excited positive feelings about him.

i was alone with this boy. in the basement. note: i always go to the basement, and my brothers always make me uncomfortable when theyre down there. im not loud. there is essentially nothing i can do at this point. we watch a vague amount of greys, and i curl up into a tiny fucking ball. this is my normal. everyone on the fucking planet knows this is my normal. he ask if i want to cuddle, and i dont really say yes or no, but i was definitely telling him i was uncomfortable and wanted to take things slow. he cuddles me anyways, but he triggers a pressure stim so i assume it will be fine. eventually we stop watching greys and i recount all the noncon/ abuse so he gets why ive gotta take it slow

im not entirely sure how it got to this but before our vaguely sexual act he kept staring at me weird and i kept telling him to stop. he kept asking or trying to kiss me and i kept saying no. i dont know how many times i said no that night. after that he started touching my skin, but like in a nice stimmy way. i was okay with it. it reminded me of one of my friends comforting me, it was familiar. he started going towards my chest- note: im dysphoric as all hell and do NOT like my chest being messed with if i dont trust you. (Also some time during my telling him about my past he started trying to pull me into his lap. i only now realized its so id be sitting on...... anyways) i did not say no. i wanted to try. i wanted to be okay. eventually he pulled at my shirt and bra. eventually i was exposed. i said nothing. this was not something i wanted or was comfortable with, but this was MY doing. i started crying. i told him to stop. i told him no more for the night. i told him no more contact, yeah i was kinda turned on but i was overwhelmed, i was done, and i wanted to STOP. I told him it was done. We could continue to hang out, watch tv, he could go home when he assumed, but he would stop touching me. he told me “sometimes you need to push your boundaries” I tried to convince him to fix his problem so he would fucking leave me alone. he refused. we ate dinner. i grabbed another jacket and went to the bathroom or whatever. i went back down, curled up again. he tried shit again. i told him to stop. he asked if we could “cuddle” i said okay. he started involuntarily bucking. i told him this. i told him it was funny but to stop. he said okay. he didnt stop. he kept going. eventually i gave up. my brother came down and i had 15 minutes of peace. we started watching anime. he was staring at me creepy. he forced me into his lap. i told him to stop. i told him no. (i went nonverbal while he was bucking and this was him assuming i was “okay” again i guess idk it was gross) i was pushed onto my back. he pulled my shirt all the way up. he did what he fucking wanted. i gave up. he sucked on my nipples, he left a bruise on one. he moved onto my neck. he left another one there (i dont bruise easily, and i got it to fade quickly because i hated looking at the proof, and my body doesnt generally take to bruising) i was on my back. he moved my hand so i would be getting him off. he started to take his fucking belt off. i told him to stop. i told him it was time to go. I was not being penetrated without my permission ever again. he didnt want to leave. he asked me “that did nothing for you?” no. no it didnt do anything for me. i told you no. i told you i didnt want it. you make me sick. i just told him “no” and laughed it off

i told him to get an uber. i tried to kick him out. it was another 5-15 minutes of silence and avoiding touching him as he waited for his ride to come. i walked him to the door, and locked it. my mom immediately knew something was wrong. she asked me what happened. instead i wanted to throw up, and i went to bed. i told my best friend, and ex. my ex was really fucking good to me about all of this. he left his fucking hat and i want to burn it. i hate all men. i hate teenage boys. i hate misoginy. i hate that i didnt believe the last girl who was assaulted, who told me, because he lied to me. i hate that i can be clearly scared, and youd rather believe him. i hate that youre angry at me for this. i told the girl i didnt believe i was sorry, i confirmed something with the girl i fought with last year, i told my best friend and my ex. i told twitter “something happened” on private so a friend at lunch could see. i told an older friend so i could ask for help. i told my other best friend. (7 people online) but in person?   i quietly told 1 friend at the beginning of the day, 1 teacher who i thought could help me avoid him, 1 friend in my group that i couldnt participate (she was his ex, shed understand) and you. thats when i fucing told you. next i told a girl who i knew was vulnerable to that bullshit, then a teacher so i wouldnt have to. see him in the next class. then i threw up and went home. didnt even tell our last friend at lunch. he doesnt know what happened. he might assume based on the other two girls but i didnt say shit. (6 people in person) ...the teacher i asked to help me avoid him told my councelor and my principal and my mom was called. I said i was going to talk to my therapist first but that didnt fucking matter, did it? no one fucking gives a shit about me and im just making this up right? I had to recount details to my mom. she said it didnt count as assault because i. wasnt penetrated (legally it does) she said it wasnt bad enough. that i asked for it. that i should have been more fucking clear. that i. was sending mixed messages. that she went through so much worse. that it wasnt worth ruining his life over. that it wasnt worth sending him to jail over, that it wasnt worth having him marked a predator over (3 girls minimum have been attacked)  because im just fucking lying about this, right? and you dont believe me? well i cant fucking believe you. go eat lunch with someone else, and in the mornings im gonna hang out in the only classroom in the school that will protect me from him even though shitty people will be there too.  and babe? he told me hes glad im not mad. that ill see him again “soon ;)” he sucked on my lip and made me feel violated. but misoginy is so ingrained in us that you dont fucking support survivors, and you never support me. I love you but im so fucking done.