#bc in elegy she's scared and mulder knows it and there's a really deep sense of intimacy waiting for her to let it happen

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

not to project onto Scully too much but sometimes I think about how she grew up with a parent in the military and how that canonically shaped her in a lot of ways (the need for approval and structure, attachment issues formed probably largely from moving a lot among other things) and how throughout the course of the show she seems to be, and to assume she will be, the first one to leave. in moments of deep intimacy (the parking garage in Little Green Men; the opening of Paper Clip; Paper Hearts; the hallway scene in Memento Mori; multiple times in Elegy; even at Mulder's apartment in FTF) Scully is the one who walks away first. it's like she expects it of herself, even, and maybe she does: she has attachment issues that in a way come down to a fear of being left behind. she (like me) has almost always been the one doing the leaving: moving around growing up, leaving the way she talks about in All Things (which touches a lot on her constant movement, actually) bc she thinks it's the best thing to do, and it does a lot to how she reacts to people coming and going — even as early on as Beyond the Sea, with the loss of her father.

she has the expectation, particularly in her relationship with Mulder, that she will be the one leaving — whatever way that means. their exchange in Paper Clip (just before Scully walks away!!) is really telling: "I told your mother you would be alright" / "How did you know?" / "I just knew". at face value it's just... a lot of hope and trust and faith, but at the same time there's this layer of... almost denial?? that i think is touched on more in those deleted scenes with her mother and Melissa — she doesn't want to accept that Mulder is gone and she's the one left. I would even go as far as to say that her abduction and then later her cancer affect this. both those times, Mulder is the one who is and will be left behind, and particularly where it comes to the cancer arc, that affects a lot of how she acts about it. she's obviously afraid to die, but there's also this sense of acceptance in her; but with Mulder, she's so much more openly concerned for him and what will happen to him once she — in her way of thinking — leaves him. there's a sense of slight guilt there and I think it's a part of why she keeps him at arm's length for much of the latter half of s4.

btw I'm not really taking into account more circumstantial instances of leaving/being left here — Mulder ditches Scully so many times we all kinda just keep a tally, but that's not the times that really... matter as much? it's the weighty, meaningful times; i keep coming back to Paper Hearts, for some reason. maybe it's just that it's never sat completely right with me that Scully just... walks away? and it's a very obvious instance of this odd little thing: in more trivial, case-related circumstances, Mulder ditches her a lot; but in moments that really, deeply matter, Scully is often the one to leave first.

she even tries to do it again in FTF; she's upset, yeah, but she's extremely calm about essentially leaving Mulder. (to be fair: it was never about leaving him. she would never stay away for him for long, no matter either of their status at the Bureau, it was always about leaving the WORK, which Mulder wrongly interpreted as her leaving him entirely, as he often does; see also: Never Again) she's... resigned to it. prepared. it's not something she ever intended, but it's something she kind of knew would happen in some way: she was always going to be the one to leave first.

there's that Siken quote, "Someone has to leave first. This is a very old story. There is no other version of this story." and that's really what it comes down to. that is and has always been Scully's mindset, possibly (probably) in large part due to growing up in a military family. she's internalized that way of life so deeply that she fits herself into that role. she is someone who leaves first. this is a very old story. there is no other version of this story. until there is. there is another version of this story, and it shakes her to her core. she carries a very fierce kind of calm nearly all the time, and the quickest we ever see her walls stripped down to absolutely nothing is at the end of Requiem. it's a very, very sudden change going into season 8 because she's just so raw, split apart and incredibly open for once. she's constantly tearing up, more than we ever see before she loses Mulder (once, twice, how many times).

and like quite honestly I think him leaving in s9 was really the (beginning of the) last straw for her, because it was a conscious, intentional decision they both made. it was fully in their control. and like yeah they agreed on it, yeah they thought it was the only way to be safe and ever be together again, but he left. and that more than absolutely anything up to that point completely tore Scully apart. she spent so long expecting to be the one leaving, even the narrative of the show frames her as such very often, and now she's Not. and that can be and is devastating. the real (end of the) last straw, though, is William. bc it's another conscious choice to be the one who is left behind, and it's so much deeper a pain than... basically anything else tbh. and combined with Mulder leaving at the top of the season, it winds up being the absolute edge of how much she can handle. it truly is Scully's last straw and she cannot handle anymore.

WHICH IS WHY (and I didn't expect to get this far in this rant, it was supposed to be just one paragraph RIP) I think she leaves between IWTB and the revival. like... she is constantly afraid of being the one left behind, whatever that means in any given circumstance, and she's already reached her breaking before they're ever in the Unremarkable House. she sees Mulder disconnecting and hiding and it hits just enough of those fears of rejection and being left that she. leaves first. because (like that OTHER Siken poem) it's written down, memorized, all she knows. "I say the phrases that keep it going and everyone plays along," etc.

Scully is still, at any given point in the series, in some way at heart the daughter of a Navy captain. that's how she was raised, that's who she is, and that's... a lot. a lot a lot. someone has to leave first. this is an old story. there is no other version of this story. and given her upbringing, given the major events of her life and relationships (especially with Mulder), it makes so much sense that she seems to so instinctively expect to be the one who leaves first. it's easier for her; it's what she's familiar with and in a way comfortable with, so. she leaves first.