#bc i drew him crying and hugging one years ago and im tired od pretending that it's not my favorite headcanon

[mysisypheannightmare]

Just Another Day (Chapter Two)

Word Count: 4,860

Warnings: Logan Angst, Sickfic, Fever, Nightmares, Hurt/Comfort (with actual comfort this time), Stream of Consciousness mixed with actual fully-written scenes, and All sides are present in this fic

Read Chapter One First

AO3 Link

--

He kept flinching away, Virgil noticed.

A part of him wanted to be grateful that it wasn't just him now, but all the other sides, too, that Logan was avoiding every time he was awake enough to recognize they were there with him. But, given Logan's last little freakout, it probably meant that something about the other sides was unsettling him so badly that he didn't want them there.

Well, maybe if he'd actually eat on his own or just get some actual sleep, then he'd stop having a stupid fever and feel better already…

Virgil felt a bit guilty for wanting Logan to just hurry up and get better already, but he couldn't help it. He had to hear Janus explain that Thomas was better from his fever the other day but was still dealing with a mental fog, likely thanks to whatever Logan was dealing with now. It's like the two were linked in some crazy way and managed to get each other sick.

If Thomas ever gets sick again after this, Virgil wasn't going to let there be an argument about it ever again. The man's going straight to bed, or better yet, a hospital! He should also probably make sure he's up to date on all his vaccines, too, just to be sure. This can't ever happen again. Not to Thomas and not to Logan.

"His fever has finally gone down a bit," Janus was telling Patton, who still looked distraught since the moment he even found out that Logan didn't seem to be doing too well. That hadn't been a fun conversation.

"He'll probably be back to himself in no time, alright?" Janus, of all sides, was trying to reassure Patton. Virgil hated that he couldn't tell if he was lying, even if it was only to make Patton feel better, but he certainly wouldn't put it past him. It was kind of his thing, after all.

Patton seemed to be cheered up ever so slightly by the news, however, so at least there was that.

He really hoped Logan was actually getting better.

--

"How's he doing?"

Roman turned to see Patton peek his head in, concern deep in his expression.

It was now the second day of them keeping a watchful eye over Logan. Roman was sitting in the chair they'd moved next to Logan's bed. He was keeping himself occupied with a coloring book and a box of crayons. It didn't take too much to keep him entertained while letting Logan sleep.

Speaking of…

"He keeps tossing and turning, but it's still better than yesterday," he informed Patton.

Patton stepped into the room and walked over, patting Logan on the head, only for him to shift away, turning on his side.

Roman sighed.

"I don't know what else we can do. I tried adding those pillows yesterday, but …well, you saw what happened. I guess he just can't get comfortable."

Patton gasped and then smiled wide.

"I may have just the thing!"

Roman watched, confused, as Patton ran off, ducking back out to the hallway in a hurry. He had no idea what he could possibly have planned, and he certainly didn't expect to see Patton return a minute later with an enormous stuffed animal in his arms.

It was a big white unicorn, nearly three feet tall, with bright, neon pink tufts of hair for a mane and a shiny rainbow horn sticking out of its head. The way its pink-colored hooves bounced as Patton walked back in, it was clear the unicorn's legs have more weight to them than the rest of the stuffed animal. Optimal for hugging, in fact.

Patton strode right up to Logan's bed and set the large plushie next to Logan with a triumphant grin. "That should do the trick!"

And somehow, he was right.

Roman watched as Logan turned over again on his other side again, almost instantly pulling the unicorn to his chest like it was meant to be there. He seemed to calm down right away, relaxing his shoulders and everything.

Finally.

It may have looked ridiculous for Logan to do such a thing, but if it got him to sleep more soundly, Roman would leave it be. He could just tease him about it later when he was no longer sick.

--

Logan woke up again, holding something soft to his chest. He tiredly opened his eyes, seeing only white fur with pink tufts sticking out… Oh! Palindrome, his stuffed unicorn! He hadn’t seen it in so long.

He squeezed it tighter to his chest, only to remember…he’d gotten rid of Palindrome over a year ago. So why was it here?

He glanced around to see he was still in his room. His mind seemed far clearer as he looked around some more and recognized everything was in its place, save for a new chair set next to his nightstand with a very bored-looking Janus sitting in it, flipping quietly through a book that Logan was fairly certain was from his own collection.

“…Janus?” he tried to say, but his voice came out exceptionally raspy. Wow, his throat really hurt, actually. Like he’d somehow managed to swallow barbed wire, the prickling sensation worsening as he tried to adjust to sit up on his elbows.

What on earth happened?

Janus looked over at him and quietly shut the book in his lap and set it aside.

"Hey, how are you feeling?” he asked him, an odd expression on his face. He seemed to be looking Logan over instead of just looking at his face. “Still tired?”

Logan narrowed his gaze at him, trying to decide what he meant by that. His mind seemed to be slow to give him his usual deductive reasoning, but was he implying Logan was tired earlier? Why would he ask that?

He opened his mouth to ask for clarification but somehow managed to choke on air, and let out a pathetic cough into the side of Palindrome’s head.

He frowned. Oh, he really hadn’t meant to do that.

“Thirsty?” Janus asked, and as Logan looked up again, he noticed a water bottle being held out to him.

He took it, aware that his arms felt very weak. He tried to sit up just enough so he could take a quick sip of the water, and then he finally asked the burning question…

“What… Uhm, what happened?”

Janus stared at him for a moment, that same unreadable expression on his face.

“It seems you had a fever, Logan,” he finally answered, leaning back in his chair again.

Logan waited, but Janus didn’t continue.

“Care to elaborate?” Logan asked, now trying to sit up properly and lean back against his headboard. It was more of a struggle than he expected, but he managed it regardless. He set Palindrome at his side, trying to resist the urge to hug the stuffed animal for comfort that he knew he didn’t need.

“Depends,” Janus responded, almost cryptically. “What do you remember?”

Logan sighed. He sure didn’t remember having a fever, but unless Janus was lying – which was extremely likely – then he couldn’t really be sure of anything that happened after Thomas had started feeling off and had thrown up yesterday…

“Oh,” he realized, “Thomas was sick."

Janus nodded. “Yep, had a fever, and then you managed to catch one, too.”

Ah, a fever probably wasn’t good, now that he thought about it. Though, Logan wasn’t even sure the sides could become ill. Patton and Roman had claimed to be sick a few times over the years, but they seemed to always be fine after having one of the others take care of them for a couple hours. He’d honestly thought they were just in need of some relaxation and special attention, not actually sick in the way a human could be, but maybe he’d been wrong.

It certainly wouldn’t be the first time…

“Is he doing better now?” Logan couldn’t help but ask.

Thomas’ health was definitely the priority here, so he ought to make sure.

“Considering it’s been about three days since his fever broke and he’s gone right back to normal? Yes, I’d say he’s doing much better.”

Janus looked over at him then, as though waiting for something.

Logan blinked, glancing away. Wait…three days? “Did you say three…? But wasn’t that just…”

How could that have been three days ago? Thomas had only gotten sick just yesterday! How long had Logan been sick then?

How long had they had to put up with him being out of it, especially if he couldn’t even recall a single moment from the whole ordeal? Hopefully he hadn’t completely inconvenienced everyone or kept Thomas from any important activities. Three days was such a large amount of time.

He sat up some more. He looked across the room to his desk, where his laptop sat open and ready for work.

Maybe he should check his schedule, just to see how far behind he had gotten…

"You really don’t remember then? Any of it?” Janus asked, some sort of emotion lacing his words. But what emotion was there, Logan couldn’t be sure.

He looked over at Janus. He seemed bothered.

Oh, no.

Had Logan done something burdensome? He didn’t know what it was, but he hoped he could make it up to him and the others. There were far too many possibilities if it occurred due to illness. Maybe it wasn’t anything too awful and a quick apology and some acts of kindness would suffice?

"I’m sorry if I bothered you in any way,” he told Janus right away, trying to adjust and move the blankets off so he could stand. His arms were still shaking a bit, but he needed to get back to work quickly if things had really been that bad. “I can assure you it won’t happen again.”

Janus eyed him as he tried to stand on wobbly legs. He rolled his eyes before sighing heavily and reaching over to push Logan back down onto the bed.

"Don't get ahead of yourself," Janus told him flatly. "You're probably not fully well just yet."

Logan wanted to disagree, but he couldn't be sure. He looked over at his nightstand, seeing his glasses lying there, so he picked them up and put them on. His eyes adjusted slowly and with his vision clearing, he felt confident he was probably fine after all.

"If you don't remember, perhaps I should fill you in," Janus offered.

Logan glanced over at him, and Janus took the opportunity to explain in vague detail that Logan hadn't been seen by the other sides most of the day after Thomas had initially gotten his fever.

Once Thomas was better, they'd all assumed everything was fine…until they realized Logan was missing, so they'd gone looking for him. Apparently he was in his room, dazed out of his mind, sitting at his desk for some reason. Virgil and Remus got him to bed, but when they came back to check on him, he'd gotten up again and each time was either wandering around aimlessly in his room or sitting at his desk again, doing nothing.

"It was frustrating how many times we had to redirect you because you wouldn't sleep, for whatever reason," Janus said with a laugh.

Logan grimaced. That sounded very annoying for them.

"Apologies. I hope it wasn't too much of a problem."

Janus looked at him.

"It wasn't a problem."

Again, Logan wasn't sure what emotion was there in Janus' words, but there was definitely something. He felt awful not being able to assign it, but that had never been his forte, after all. He couldn't be expected to understand something that he wasn't meant to, even if he kept trying and failing for years at this point to do just that.

Janus sighed, continuing his explanation,

“By the next day, things got… well, they got a bit intense there for a while.”

Logan wasn’t sure he wanted to know what that meant. He found out anyway.

“You seemed terrified any time you were awake and one of us tried to help you with anything. A single touch had you backing away, even if we were just trying to get you to drink some water..”

Oh. Logan tried to remember why that might be, but his mind didn’t supply him a reason. He didn't find himself typically afraid of the others, so there was no reasonable explanation for him to do such a thing.

“And when you slept, you seemed to have nightmares. Painful ones, from the looks of it.”

Well, that probably wasn’t fun to deal with, either. No wonder Janus seemed bothered.

"Around the height of your fever, you had somehow managed to get out of bed and run across the room, tried to grab…I think it was a letter opener? Who knows what you were planning to do exactly, but when we finally stopped you, you…said you were trying to die for us.”

Janus stared at him, willing him to remember. But Logan didn’t remember anything like that at all.

Why would he have done something like that?

Perhaps his mind believed he was in danger or maybe they misunderstood the situation? That's such an odd response, though, even for someone who's ill.

“That…sounds burdensome,” Logan stated, in lieu of having anything else to say. “I’m sorry.”

Janus sighed, leaning back again.

"You really don’t remember? At all?" he asked again.

Logan shook his head.

“Well, there goes my hope of getting some answers at least,” Janus responded. “And what about all the mumbling you made in your sleep about Thomas replacing you?”

Logan froze. Well, that he remembered, but not from his time being sick. He’d been sure for quite a long time now that Thomas ought to replace him, find a suitable Logic that functioned and performed adequately, who didn’t constantly cause problems and instead fixed them like he was meant to. Had he mentioned that out loud?

“Uhh…”

“And something about not being productive enough? Being useless?” Janus added.

Logan swallowed, a pain in his chest rapidly starting to ache. Had he really said that? He was hoping none of them would find out how badly behind he'd been on his work.

He was able to get most of Thomas’ necessary tasks taken care of every day, but as time went on, his energy always seemed to dwindle, and lately, he’d been downright terrible about keeping proper tabs on everything. He had been covering it up well enough so that it wouldn't bother anyone or cause further problems, but that clearly wasn’t the case anymore if they knew.

How was he going to fix this? Did this mean they would replace him, after all? They would have to, right?

His breath felt shallow. But he'd been expecting to be replaced eventually, hadn't he? He was certain this was supposed to happen, just not so soon!

His throat felt tight, and his mind started racing, but it seemed Janus wasn’t finished yet.

“Oh yeah, and then there was a remark in there about how this was supposed to happen. Does that ring any bells to you?”

Logan squeezed his eyes shut, trying to breathe steadily, but absolutely failing.

Yes, of course he had thought about these things for quite a while, but none of the others were ever meant to know about it!

He was supposed to keep existing until the moment he could finally resolve all those problems he'd tallied up over time, even if the biggest problem was himself. He was supposed to stay for as long as he was useful, even if he’d already been found to be useless. He never wanted them to know how pathetic he was and had been all this time. He'd wanted to fix things before Thomas found out, at the very least.

What would he do now? Janus couldn’t have been the only one to know. What would the others do? Did Thomas know already? Were they replacing him already? What was going to happen to him?

He was supposed to have more time to fix everything before it had to end. He'd thought about it so much, but he was only biding his time and getting what little done that he could, then he would address it outright with Thomas, because he deserved to know…just not yet! It was supposed to happen, just not yet!

Was this inevitable? Was this always going to happen, the truth would come out before he had the chance to fix everything, even if he hadn’t somehow fallen ill?

Logan’s mind wouldn’t shut up or let him catch up on everything. He tried not to panic, but none of this could possibly end well.

Would it even end at all?

"Logan, breathe, please!” Janus pleaded next to him.

Oh. He wasn't breathing. That's probably what that pain was. Oh, no.

“You’re going to be okay," Janus told him.

He wasn't going to be okay. He messed everything up and hadn't even figured out a way to fix it!

"I wasn’t trying to confront you about this right now," Janus continued. "I just wanted to see if you had remembered… Perhaps, not my best move, all things considered.”

How could this have happened? What was he supposed to do now? He'd have to change everything, but if they all already knew, what could he possibly do to fix it? He couldn't fix anything! But if he couldn't fix anything, Thomas and the others would still be left with all the problems he'd left unresolved!

They'd all be so disappointed. They probably already were.

His chest ached.

He tried to imagine how the others would have reacted, but all he could think about was how he hadn’t wanted to hurt anyone or make them think they’d done anything wrong. He wasn't supposed to leave them with any burden. But now he’d gone and bothered everyone for no reason!

They all knew he’d been useless to Thomas and believed he deserved whatever fate came of that…

They must have been so upset with him.

“Logan.”

But it wasn’t as though this was the first time, right?

“Keep trying.”

They would never understand. He wouldn’t be able to make them understand. He already knew that from the start.

“Please.”

He really should have expected this.

…something about that thought was far too sobering.

He took in a deep breath and his vision seemed to clear up. Right, breathing is a good thing. Of course.

He managed to get in another deep breath, but it still felt as though his throat was tight and his heart was beating way too fast. What was wrong with him?

"There we go," Janus said in barely a whisper. "Honestly, I thought I was going to have to do it for you again."

"Again?" Logan squeaked out, looking up at him. "What… do what again? What do you mean?"

Janus frowned.

"When you were panicking before, when you were still feverish, you had tried to hurt yourself… You wouldn't calm down, so I…helped," he explained, then looked away. "Or tried to, anyway."

"How?" Logan couldn't help but ask, his breathing finally starting to slow back down. His chest hurt. Everything hurt.

"It's just a trick I know," Janus replied. "I have so very many of them, after all."

Logan watched as Janus leaned back, looking more like the Janus he knew rather than the worried mess he'd awoken to. Maybe that was a good thing?

Janus turned back to him then, squinting as he added, "You know, I haven't used that one on anyone in years. It just makes you calm down really fast, it's better for things like panic attacks. Virgil had gotten so mad the last time that I used it on him, he…" Janus trailed off, covering his mouth. "But it sure seemed like you needed it. I can only hope it actually helped."

Logan blinked.

"If I could remember, I would tell you."

Janus nodded. "I believe you. But I would also rather not have to do it again… which means you'll need to talk to me, or at least someone about what's been going on."

He stared at him intently, and Logan tried not to react, without making it obvious he was pointedly ignoring the suggestion. He let himself breathe, trying to get back to some semblance of normal.

"Those kinds of thoughts rarely spring from nothing, Logan," Janus remarked.

Logan didn't really want to think about it, if he were honest. It was always so much harder to understand if he let himself think about it. There had been so much and he had no desire to see the consequences of these actions anytime soon.

But clearly Janus wanted him to make a decision anyway.

"I'm aware," he responded. "I'll consider it."

Janus just continued to stare.

"Please do."

They, thankfully, didn't discuss it further. Janus let him rest a while longer before insisting he eat something.

Logan tried not to think about everything that was being left unsaid.

--

It was when Patton visited him again later that day that he decided to address the issue with the stuffed animal. The issue being that it wasn't meant to be in his room anymore.

“Did you bring this here?” Logan asked, holding out the stuffed unicorn plushie so that Patton could take it back. Sure, he could admit that he had missed Palindrome, but it wasn’t as though anyone else would know that.

Patton smiled brightly, taking the stuffed animal into his arms and letting its big hooves wiggle back and forth as he gave it a quick hug.

“Oh, Palindrome had shown up in my room a while back,” he told him, taking a seat in the chair that still sat next to Logan's bed. “I tried to return her when she first appeared, but you said she wasn’t lost. You said… I think you said something about not needing her anymore?”

Logan recalled why he’d willed the stuffed animal away in the first place. He wasn't meant to keep sentimental items in his room anymore, so he put them away in storage and got rid of them entirely. He wasn't sure where Palindrome would end up, but considering Patton seemed to already have an ever-growing collection of stuffed animals in his room, it certainly didn't surprise him that it ended up there.

“That sounds about right," he replied.

Patton continued, “I figured I would let her stay with me until you needed her again, so I gave her as many puzzles I could find to play with, and any time a new book showed up, I’d give it to her to read! She seems to really like them!”

Logan wanted to be grateful, but he didn’t understand why Patton was telling him all of this.

"…this doesn’t really answer my question, Patton. Clearly, you brought her here… I mean… Uhm. You returned this stuffed animal for a reason, right?”

He didn’t like sounding attached to an inanimate object, but that didn’t seem to matter to Patton as he replied with a laugh,

“Well, sure!” Patton pushed the unicorn back into Logan’s lap, tilting the animal’s head up at him. “You needed Palindrome back, didn’t you?”

Logan grimaced. “I don’t think—”

"Whenever I’m sick, my stuffed animals are always the biggest comfort when I’m trying to sleep,” Patton explained. “It only makes sense that Palindrome could help you be comfortable, too. Isn’t that just logic? It has to be.”

Logan wasn’t sure what it was, but it definitely wasn’t logic. Not that explaining that would help matters. He sighed.

“While I appreciate the gesture, Patton—”

“Will you keep her, then?” he asked Logan earnestly.

Logan paused and looked away. He really should just get to the point with this.

He handed the stuffed toy back to Patton yet again.

“Like I said, I don’t need a stuffed animal. And certainly not to sleep comfortably.”

It was the truth. He didn’t require comfort, let alone comfort items. He’d willed the unicorn away last year because it was beyond time for him to stop clinging to a toy so unnecessarily. If anything, Patton seemed the exact type to enjoy having an extra stuffed animal around, so it was best for him to keep her, not Logan.

Logan didn't need it, Patton wanted it, so this just made sense.

He’d made up his mind about this.

Patton leaned forward ever so slightly.

“She misses you.”

…what?

Logan whipped his head back to see Patton staring right into his eyes. He tried not to squirm under such harsh attention but failed as he started to shift uncomfortably.

Patton reached out, setting the unicorn right back on Logan’s lap resolutely, and then continued to look at him with determination.

“I don’t want her to think she’s alone,” he told Logan, his voice and eyes portraying true honesty, “even with all her friends around her. I know she likes to do things by herself, but I think it’s important that she at least have that chance for comfort when she needs it most.”

He gave the smallest smile after that. “Don’t you agree?”

Logan wasn’t sure what to think.

Palindrome was just some stuffed toy. Easy to toss aside and forget. Even easier to replace, with something better, more suitable. It's as though the damn thing was built to be useless, as though it was meant to be tossed aside eventually. Even if he had kept it around for a long time until now, why would Patton or anyone else think anything important could ever come from such a thing?

“What if she doesn’t need it?” Logan asked.

Patton’s smile faded.

“Everyone needs it. Even if it’s in a different way than we expect, but that’s okay. It’s always okay.”

But it’s so excessive. They didn’t need to waste time providing comfort for someone—for something that didn’t deserve it, that didn’t appreciate it! It couldn’t care, it couldn’t reciprocate, it couldn’t do anything that could ever help anyone else! It was useless!

“Wouldn’t it be easier to just get rid of her?” he asked, his voice almost a whisper.

Why not just remove the problem? Why wouldn’t they just make things easier for themselves instead of trying to cater to something they didn’t even understand? It’s not like he could even begin to tell them--

“I don’t think so. I think she’s right where she belongs.” Patton reached out to pet the fur on top of Palindrome’s head, adding softly, “But it looks like maybe her friends could have done a better job at reminding her of that… but they want to try now. Do you think she’d let them?”

Logan peered down at the unicorn in his lap, trying not to cry. This felt awful, it felt wrong.

"What if she’s scared it will only make things worse?”

Why was he playing along with this? What could this possibly accomplish? Nothing was ever going to change, so why even try?

“I think she deserves the chance to see what it could be like, Logan.”

His breath came out shakily as he tried to hold back the tears building in his eyes. There was so much that didn’t make sense, so much that could go wrong, but they wanted to do this anyway? He didn’t understand why they would bother.

Logan squeezed at Palindrome’s sides, still resisting the urge to hug her. He didn’t deserve that comfort, he knew that. It didn’t stop the thought from invading his mind, though.

Any time these pesky emotions stirred up, he knew all the books and research he’d read claimed he needed to examine them and then feel them and move on, but it was as though a tightly locked door was between him and these feelings, and even if he tried to open it willingly, he couldn’t seem to get inside, even for just a look.

He knew he would never be able to understand himself or what he was feeling. Nothing would ever change that. And it was his own fault. No one else should have to deal with that. It wouldn’t be fair. He was supposedto handle this on his own.

“Logan,” Patton reached out, just barely laying a hand over his arm. “Do you think you could try?”

He wasn’t sure. It didn’t seem like the right thing to do, but he just wasn’t sure. He… he wanted to, but he was terrified to know what would come of it. He wanted to but he didn’t want to bother them with all of this. He wanted to, but he couldn't possibly convince himself he would ever deserve it.

But he wanted to.

And he wasn’t sure he’d ever wanted much of anything before, except for things to finally end.

Maybe this was a different way… a better way.

He held his breath and looked up at Patton.

And nodded.