#bc i couldn't handle being Just One of Many Hangers-On‚ even though she said she valued and cared abt me
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thinking about all the women whose orbits i've had to remove myself from bc they meant too much to me while i meant too little to them
#i don't talk abt this particular feeling much bc i'm not entirely convinced it's a value-neutral sort of incompatibility—#i tend to feel it's an indication of my own fundamental warping‚ that i get greedy and codependent and desperate and can't just be chill#and that it probably has something to do with the fucked-up codependent relationship model i was raised with#but it really is just like. from the high school friendship i had to drop even though i was besotted (flavor undefined) with her#bc i couldn't handle being Just One of Many Hangers-On‚ even though she said she valued and cared abt me#to the metamour i adored (flavor undefined) who supposedly valued and cared abt me too‚ but‚ like‚ not enough#to the ex-moot who remade who i really mournfully decided i couldn't re-follow bc i couldn't stop pedestalizing her#out of all proportion with the actual intimacy of our actual interactions…#idk. just feels like. very much a Recurrent Pattern for me and not a great one!#(and like. obviously the easy read here is that it was unrequited love every time; and who knows‚ maybe it was—#but it's never been obvious to me what the exact flavor of the thing was‚ just that it was sweet and tangy until eventually it stung)#anyway. i would say 'idk what even got me onto this' but actually i know exactly what got me onto this#which was: reading fic where half the pairing was aro#and like. in the fic it worked for them‚ and like‚ in life it's so often been so close to working for me!#but then the black hole of Undefined Sad Yearning inevitably starts to gape#anyway. hashtag nightblogging ig‚ lol#feelingsblogging#past lives#the psyche#(eta thinking abt it more this has also sometimes happened with trans ppl of various non-woman stripes#but in those instances i *have* just mentally filed the dynamic under (failed/abortive) romance+‚ i think#honestly very possible that's where every instance of it belongs and it's just that i don't know how to be in love with women.#like i don't identify as not-attracted-to-women‚ i'm definitely attracted to women—#'sometimes‚' i started to say‚ but like. i'm attracted to women at the same rate i'm attracted to people of other genders‚ really—#but like. societal queerphobia really does a number on you.#like. not that playing the woman's part in the cishet relationship-escalator model appeals or makes any sense for me either#but at least it's‚ idk‚ something to kick off from??#whereas with women it's just like. a ladder into mysterious fog. how do. where go.#insane to me that i'm this old and yet this is still where i am with this. god.)
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