#bc healthy people aren't addicted to cigarettes

[annoyingfobbie]

long personal post that I'm kind of just making for my own reference later on, below:

been very seriously considering breaking edge recently. Idk, i feel like now that I'm not a teenager, a lot of my fears about how i'd treat alcohol and substances no longer apply as much. The reasons I kept edge for so long despite it being like really really difficult at times were 1. bc I'm the queen of self sabotage and I felt like if I allowed myself to drink and do drugs, I'd use them to do that, 2. i get extremely addicted to things extremely easily. I know that a lot of people say that but trust me like i'm REALLY bad about it, and I have no self control when it comes to the things I'm addicted to. And those things aren't even supposed to be addictive!!!!, and then lastly, 3. the general straightedge punk subculture is something that has always appealed to me a lot and I have a lot of respect for it.

Now. Things have changed a bit. Now that I'm, like, an adult, it'll be a lot more difficult for me to get away with using drugs and alcohol to self sabotage. It'll be really obvious if I start doing that, which will make it easy for me to spot, as well as all the people around me that care about me. When I was still a teenager, everyone around me was drinking too much and using drugs unhealthily, because its just kind of that stage of your life, you know? It would be easier to brush off as just doing what everyone else was doing. With my second point, yeah, I still am worried about addiction, very much so, in fact. But I think that my fear of it is healthy in the sense that I'll really keep an eye on myself, as will the people around me. Similar to my previous point, basically. And then three.... theres a lot of great in the straightedge community and theres a lot of bad. thats just with everything. And if it doesn't really suit my lifestyle anymore, then I'm not gonna stick with it just because I like the idea of the subculture.

My reasons for wanting to break edge rn are as follows: I want to be able to loosen up and feel more comfortable in certain social situations. like, liquid courage, or whatever. I wanna be able to have fun and shit. I don't feel any kind of desire to start getting *drunk* drunk ever, I just wanna be able to get buzzed when i go out with my friends, or when we're watching the football game or whatever. Thats it.

my NEW worries about it are these: I'm worried about breaking edge making it harder for me to not smoke cigarettes, which is NOT something I should ever do, and I know that. But I always really really want to. but its really bad for you and nicotine addiction fucks with your life and shit and I know that. But god I want to so bad. I'm worried that if I start drinking, I'll start breaking other rules I've set for myself, like no cigarettes. I'm also worried that it'll help a little too much with my social anxiety lol. Its really common for people with social anxiety to become alcoholics because they use it too much as a social crutch. I can definitely see that happening for me.

Anyways yeah I just wanted to make this post for myself to get my thoughts together and to be able to look at later, and also see if anyone else is or has been straightedge and has any sort of thoughts or advice!