#bc as we all know being as cynical as possible is an inherently better understanding of text

[mooglestiltzkin]

robert duncan neil: i don’t mind the emergency medical hologram doctor having a crush on kes, but seeing them kiss kinda gross me out a bit. the actors’ age difference is… a lot, yk?

garrett wang (and me): oh but kes/neelix doesn’t bother you at all? ethan phillips is even older than robert picardo!

robert duncan neil: that’s different! neelix is kinda… ageless? timeless? he’s childish a lot of the time, and the prosthetics mean it’s hard to tell what he’s actually supposed to be, (so talaxians could just look old but he could be younger than we know since his age is never stated), whereas the emergency medical hologram doctor looks and acts like a 40 year old man, so in the episode projections, watching 40ish robert picardo kissing 3 year old (with a life span of 8 years) kes played by 20ish jennifer lien… reimagined as lewis zimmerman’s (holographic medical doctor’ creator) wife… it’s kinda… ugh? i can’t get away from the reality as much?

garrett wang: okay man

i… hm. idk. i’ve genuinely been curious about the opinion of kes/neelix, considering RDN has been so vocal about how chakotay and other stuff haven’t aged well on the show. (i kinda assume he didn’t really talk about it with robert beltran on an earlier episode because they’ve likely talked about it before/off-mike delta flyers podcast, but idk.) some stuff i agree with, others not so much. but.

i… kinda don’t like kes/neelix as a ship, for me the actor’s real life age difference is too much of a stretch, and i’m… not really sure the characters get much out of being a romantic couple tbh?? i like their interactions just without the romance angle tbh

but. hm. neelix possibly being younger than ethan phillips, who was, what, 50ish? at the time? so the childishness, the temper tantrums of jealousy, the exuberance… combined with being a bit of cynical rough around the edges savvy business rat who knows a lot because he’s travelled the delta quadrant… might make the characters more on an equal playing field … and reflect the character more understandably better…?

but… idk. in a way… i still kinda feel that emh/kes is more palatable, bc… he looks like a 40 year old man, but has only been alive, so to speak, for six months, as of s2, and kes is helping him find some humanity/things that aren’t inherent to his initial programming. while the trade off is that he teaches her medical stuff. like… no, i don’t especially want to see emh/kes kissing or being in a romantic pairing either, i like seven/emh too and maybe i do think it’s better onesided from emh’s side… (but i do like the idea of them being in a romantic relationship tbh…), it’s… idk.

something to think about. i personally can’t get away from ethan phillip’s age when watching kes/neelix scenes, whereas i can for emh, bc he was “brought to life”/born in the pilot. but given the choice of watching a 50yo or a 40yo kiss a 20yo, and… i’d rather have neither, in all honesty.

but yeah, truthfully i’ve been surprised by the silence of kes/neelix being talked in a negative light—bc both characters are genuinely great from the get go, and it makes sense that both RDN and garrett wang would be positive towards neelix bc he’s both friend and character that they’ve known for years, but i’ve been iffy on the ship—but. and this does explain it somewhat.

i’m not totally convinced, truth be told. but i think it might be a reasonable starting point and reassess. but i. i do want them to get ethan phillips on the podcast and see if they can get his thoughts tbh.

[rittz]

thoughts about being trans, idk where else to put them so here u go

it’s not like i don’t have trans guy friends to talk to about this, it’s just usually in the form of jokes or passing comments rather than an actually serious conversation. also, the transmasc people that i’m closest to identify more with the label “nonbinary” than i do-- it’s not like they couldn’t understand or relate to things i’m saying, but i’m just assuming that they probably don’t feel the exact same way i do

anyway, as a trans person we get often asked “so why do you feel like a [gender]?”, and the answer is usually some variation of “i just feel like it”. this is the most accurate but also vaguest possible answer, so i kinda wanted to break down my personal answer to that question?

basically, i identify as a man because i identify with men. in a general and also personal sense. gender stereotypes are something that trans people by necessity both embrace and reject. i relate to gender stereotypes about men more than those of women-- i’m less outwardly emotional, i like being handy, i don’t like kids, i have questionable personal hygiene, etc-- but obviously these things alone don’t make someone a man. however... you can’t deny that there is some general truth about behavioral differences between men and women (bc of society, not biology). men and women both experience different problems in the world, and each have trouble understanding the experiences and problems of the other. generally, i can relate to the experiences and problems of men more than those of women, even if it seems like i shouldn’t (for example, i am not afraid of walking alone at night, even though i am very tiny).

i, from a young age, have had a constant yearning for more male friends. i would occasionally choose to play video games as a male character. i was upset that i couldn’t be in boy scouts. i have been jealous of my younger brothers being treated by my parents the ways i wished i was treated. when i imagined myself older, i pictured myself less like my mom and more like my dad. when i’m around men, i want them to treat me like one of them. i want to be seen as a man.

and i think that’s what being trans really boils down to. wanting to be seen as someone other than how everyone sees you. wanting what you see on the outside to match how you feel on the inside. this obviously extends to nonbinary individuals, who face their own struggle when it comes to presentation. but at the end of the day, i think that presentation is equally important to gender identity as internal feelings. i mean, i think we’re all familiar with the research proving that transitioning makes trans people happier. surgery is an invasive, expensive, painful process that i DON’T think is necessary for every trans person, and HRT isn’t always easy to get. but changing a name, getting a new haircut, dressing differently, binding, etc. counts as transitioning. you don’t have to hate your body to be trans, but wanting to alter it in order to better connect your internal identity with your presentation, i think is necessary in order to consider yourself to be trans. 

i will admit i am confused by “GNC trans men” i see on tumblr and insta, who use he/him pronouns but exclusively present femininely. i’m not talking about trans guys who don’t yet pass, i mean trans guys who don’t want to. i don’t harbor any ill will, i’m just confused. if i understand being trans to mean “wanting what you see on the outside to match how you feel on the inside”, you can see how. doesn’t that make you feel dysphoric? don’t you want people who see you to read you as male? how is your life different from when you didn’t identify as male but presented the same way? this isn’t me trying to gatekeep on who’s “trans enough”, and especially when it comes to nonbinary identities it’s arbitrary to harp on presentation like this. but like, what’s going on here?

taking a turn here that will come back around, an extremely key component to why i identify as and with men is my sexuality. i have always idolized, envied, and evoked various queer icons from media and real life. the hunky, grunting, macho, hetero version of “man” never appealed to me the way that the fashionable, artsy, flirty, homo version of “man” did. drag queens, my mom’s hairdresser, glam rock stars, i could go on. associating my more feminine qualities with GAY stereotypes instead of FEMALE stereotypes suddenly made more sense, and made me feel less dysphoric. it’s also something that took me a long time to realize, because i had surrounded myself with queers who were mostly attracted to women. transmascs and butch lesbians historically have a lot in common, but personally, i didn’t relate as much to lesbians as i did to drag queens. in dating and loving men, i developed my understanding of them. but my attraction to men was why it had taken me so long to realize i felt more like a man-- i thought i was just some weird straight girl.

now, am i calling these “GNC gay trans men” with long pink hair and poofy skirts and conventionally attractive bisexual boyfriends “weird straight girls”? ...well, not to their faces. but i have to admit that i’m thinking it. these people would never go to a predominantly-male gay bar, these people would never be harassed on the street. i’m not saying i know someone’s identity better than they do, but i don’t agree with the liberal utopian ideal of “let everyone do whatever they want as long as they aren’t hurting anyone” when taken to mean that we can’t question other people’s choices. “why do you feel like a man?” is a question that, coming from another trans person, isn’t inherently transphobic. it’s not “forcing” someone to “prove” their “transness”, no one “owes” me an explanation of their identity. i’m just confused. i don’t disapprove of the way these people live their lives, i just want to know why.

a straight girl being feminine is different from a gay man being feminine, because it has less to do with personality and more to do with society’s historic view of gay men as closer to female than male because of the loving and fucking men aspect. an AMAB gay man wearing makeup and a crop top probably just wants to look good, but he is also signaling to other men that he’s gay via gender non-conformance. by being AFAB and female-passing, wearing makeup and a crop top is not GNC. in fact it’s pretty GC, and gay men will not recognize you as a gay man.

it’s easy to say “gender is fake so do whatever you want”, but like, we have to acknowledge reality. time is a social construct too, but we still use days of the week when talking to each other. strangers will treat you differently depending on what gender they interpret you as. different people will be willing to date you or not. you have to choose which public bathroom to go in. if being misgendered doesn’t bother these people, then who cares? but if it DOES, which it usually does, wouldn’t you want to take steps to prevent being misgendered in the future? if your desire to present femininely is stronger then your desire to be seen as male, then like... why call yourself a male at all? ultimately nothing these people do will really affect me in any way. it just makes me wonder if these people will eventually go on to present as male, or if they will later ID as nonbinary or even cis. i encourage people trying out different labels and exploring their identity, so it’s not like i think these people SHOULDN’T identify as trans guys. it’s more like, i wish they were able to articulate WHY they identify as trans more than “because i said so”. not wanting to be a woman doesn’t automatically make you a man, it just makes you not a woman.

maybe i’m particularly cynical because of the MULTIPLE times that people with larger online followings who identify and present this way have later turned out to be lying, manipulative people. hopefully it goes without saying that i do NOT think that everyone who identifies and presents this way is a toxic liar. the reason i bring it up is because some people genuinely can’t understand the possibility or purpose of misleadingly claiming a marginalized identity, but it can and does happen. an analogy could be made here about white people claiming indigenous heritage. we all WANT to believe what people say about themselves, and asking for “proof” is a social no-no. but we shouldn’t just... automatically trust everything someone says about themselves, right? and as bad as i WANT to live in a world where gender doesn’t matter and everyone default uses neutral pronouns and there are no divisions in clothing stores and bathrooms, we don’t live in that world (yet). when you are AFAB, /extremely/ femininely presenting, and have little to no plans of transitioning, saying “i am a man” will not make other people see you as one. and if you don’t want to be seen as a man, then maybe you aren’t one.

[makku-ruko]

Warning Spoilers? I mean some spoilers.

Sooooo lemme give my thoughts on Kuroshitsuji and the ever loved yaoi fanbase.

Let’s start with interpretation. I read somewhere in another’s response that Sebastian and Ciel’s relationship somewhat surpasses master and butler but not in any conventional way whether it be: familial, friendship, romantic, etc. They appear to have an understanding that more connects their inner beings than anything else. I’ve seen it in some of the moments where they’re simply conversing (e.g. Book of Circus last episode on the train).

Ciel is ruthless, cynical, prideful and is very good with strategy. He is a good leader but not inherently on the side of good. He’s a boy that’d already given in to the dark side the moment he made the contract. At such a young age, governing who lives and dies by order of the Queen. He appears to be neutral and his moral scales seem to always be wobbling. That said, he still has his innocence, childishness and a dormant wish for ‘things to be better’. He lies without really thinking and surely feels guilt and regret despite saying he won’t and forcing himself not to. He’s brash, forever moving forward and conditioning himself not to look back if necessary. Very intelligent and rather self aware. The things he tends to deny are only conventional positives e.g. caring for people or generally being a nice person (unless he has guests.)

Sebastian has no limits. Instead, he gives himself limits to fit his job. Not short of perfection, he’s long suffering and has next to immaculate endurance. A brilliant performer and employee yet we don’t know much about his emotions. If anything, Claude appeared to be the perfect example of what a demon was supposed to be. Perhaps Sebastian is like that without the smoke and mirrors.

Now the both of them seem to bond over sin. Ciel being so accepting of his own flaws as a human and being so aware of what makes one; I feel like Sebastian really admires that about him. He who has no morals, who kills with no remorse and sees things generally through black vision. Both him and Ciel are in the darkness, eradicating smudges from Her Majesty’s ‘great vision’.

Towards the end of season 1, when Ciel flinched and decided not to take his revenge right then and there, when he’d begun making excuses and trying to run from it, Sebastian had lost the glint in his eye. Disappointed. It was probably rather anticlimactic, like seeing a dessert you’d longed for grow too watery. Ciel, being prideful, found his way back to being himself eventually after realising the main goal that he’d lost sight of and understood that his soul in that condition, wavering like that had become unappetising.

Revenge is the fire that keeps Ciel’s soul as delectable as it is; What lead him to the path he now walks that he can’t return from. As such, all his other ‘sins’ can fall neatly around him as he can pick whichever card he pleases to help him move forward. This is the aesthetic that keeps Sebastian tied to his hip— the perfect meal for a perfectionist.

Okay so I’ve rambled on a bit. Now onto the yaoi aspect. A lot of the ways in which I’ve seen people portray the relationship becoming a thing is Ciel letting out his weakness and or exposing his feelings somewhat. As much as it probably works, to me, the thing I keep saying when I see it is “Ciel would n o t let that happen”. Exposing his feelings?? HAH as if. I know he cares about Elizabeth a lot and plans to marry her out of duty (but also out of his own feelings too). That is the canon part of it. Thing is, this boy is so damn hard to read.

Before y’all start yelling, I’m not into the pedophilic 10000 something year old demon ending up with a 12 year old. That’s a no.

I like watching the relationship between him and Sebastian develop. Whatever it is, it’s a bond of some sort and if I’m honest, I see it. Some slight hints and the attachment. In another universe it could happen (just not in a conventional way). The way sometimes Sebastian is so careful and delicate when handling or holding him. I don’t see a father or brother, I see a caretaker or a tutor. But even so, I still don’t see that. Some scenes look like it’s almost past that?? It’s hard to explain but it’s never conventional. The typical ‘oooh~ blushy blushy I have feelings’ or tsundere ‘nooo! Don’t touch me you idiot!’.

It’s just. I can’t put my finger on it. But if I had to see it happening, I would imagine that they’d continue their business/teasing/friendship up until a point where it becomes possible. Whatever deeper bond is kept underneath a bunch of leaves until Winter comes and reveals everything. What I mean is: Ciel will grow up. If he doesn’t go through with the contract, he’ll grow up and whatever was dormant will start coming through. Needs or rather what he didn’t know he needed (don’t think of it like that -.-) will start coming through. And Sebastian is literally riiiight next to him. The comfort. The go-to. So. Needless to say. In my mind, I feel like the boy will be very confused.

As a duo, they’re adorable. I love seeing them together and it just works. The aesthetic, their ideals, their personalities (I use the word loosely) etc etc.

This was a huuuuge ramble and I didn’t really go anywhere but I guess the easiest thing to conclude all this with is: Yes, I can see them together. No, not right now. When Ciel is older and has his mind opened to other things? Yes. I don’t blame the yaoi fanbase but I don’t condone the pedophilia. No matter what, Ciel is a minor. The demon ending is a different story. But the boy is a boy.

Unless you wanna go into darker and realistic territory, yes it could happen but no I wouldn’t condone it. It would be the ‘it is what it is’ shrug moment bc idfk. Real life is messed up. If it ever went there, I wouldn’t be surprised- things get complicated and Sebastian is a demon. In terms of characters, I don’t think so...unless the ‘needs’ thing comes early (which is a eughhh no) but would I blame anyone for writing it? No. Just don’t romanticise it. It ain’t right.

———

Update: I didn’t really see what was behind the Sebciel ship. Turns out no matter what, it’s still impure and not a good. No no. So I’m all for the platonic thing. Not like I wasn’t before but the aged up thing doesn’t sit right anymore. (Which is unfortunate because there were some good spinoffs).

That said, I still don’t give a shit about the Yaoi fanbase. It’s a whole kettle of fish to get into. Do what you want, I won’t be shocked by anything nor will I condone it. Platonic only is good.

[feminafatalis]

i wanna talk about laura cheating on shadow and what it means in terms of her morality and like what kind of person she is, but since cheating is a rough topic i’m gonna put it under a read more. please do read this if it won’t be triggering for you though because i think it’s gonna be really important to understanding my portrayal of laura! this may not be free of spoilers, but as far as i know i’ve stuck mainly to information and details we already know from the show. if i go into book stuff, i’ll put a spoiler warning

so okay, first things first: i’ve seen some stuff in laura’s and emily’s tags about laura being a bitch or a whore, etc and i’m not even gonna address that tbh but someone brought up like not condemning her for like the sexuality of it, but examining her morals. and that’s 100% valid!!! but they said like her ‘shitty morals’ or something and honestly?

laura isn’t morally shitty. she’s morally weak.

because if you think for a second laura like??? doesnt know what she’s doing is fucked up and wrong, then we are seeing two very different lauras.

and yes, she does it anyway. but that is not indicative of some like moral seed of evil. she’s lonely and sad and weak.

i don’t think robbie ever forced himself on her or really even took advantage of her because she definitely had most of her agency in the situation, but i also see so many indications that???? no part of her actually wanted to be with robbie. like as sad as it is, robbie is a complete stand-in for shadow. when she mentions being with him, she often mentions being drunk. she, as far as i can tell, drinks to ease the guilt she feels sleeping with robbie. (again, i’m not saying any of this is right, but i am saying that laura didn’t one day go ‘fuck shadow i wanna get laid’ and sleep with robbie)

robbie was a drunken mistake that made her feel special and safer and loved. i’m also going off of the fact that in book canon, shadow isn’t super expressive (which i’ll get into more later and im gonna put a spoiler warning)

i also don’t think laura’s friendship with audrey is particularly healthy. it’s 100% tenuous, probably a little high school. im certain that they don’t get along more often than they’d like to admit. of course i’m not trying to minimize what audrey’s going through (and i think the show and betty gilpin did a really good job of like portraying how much it fucks her up) but there are aspects of her personality that i could identify as seriously clashing with laura’s. i think audrey was a little more cynical, probably a bit more biting and sarcastic in her everyday life. and i think laura, before her death, was the kind of positive you only are when you’re really making an effort. laura doesn’t have a good relationship with her mom (clearly evidenced by the fact that shadow doesn’t get along with her mother. shadow meant the world to laura and if her mom was ever unkind to him i really don’t see laura tolerating that)

shadow was laura’s best friend, if not (by the time they got married) her only real friend. is that healthy? of course not. but it was definitely a reality. laura has people she’s friendly with. but her circle is audrey, robbie, and shadow. audrey is her best friend on paper, but they are old friends and definitely grew to be very different people. robbie is the person who knew shadow and was shadow’s best friend, so it makes sense that laura is more drawn to robbie for companionship than audrey because he is more like shadow

so now let’s think about laura who’s just lost her best friend in the entire world. it’s her fault. she doesn’t really shy away from the fact that she is the reason shadow went to prison. i can’t remember if they go into detail about what happened, but he did it to protect her. so: 1) the love of her life/her best friend is in prison. 2) it’s her fault. 3) her ‘best friend’ audrey is someone she connects with less and less every day. 4) robbie is there.

also!!!! laura is ABSOLUTELY self sabotaging. she knows sleeping with robbie will damage her relationship with shadow, and whether she is conscious of it or not, she thinks shadow is better off without her.

NOW let’s talk about that dick pic shall we?

gross.

so we see her phone, her texts to robbie seem to consist mostly of plans to meet. but he texts her that dick pic and she says DOWN BOY

i know this seems like im reaching but she is pretending he is shadow

it’s literally this big sweet inside joke that shadow is her puppy. they don’t go into it on the show which is absolutely obscene because it is the sweetest thing in the world and im gonna paste it in here for anyone who hasn’t read the book.

“When they got married Laura told Shadow that she wanted a puppy, but their landlord had pointed out they weren’t allowed pets under the terms of their lease. “Hey,” Shadow had said, “I’ll be your puppy. What do you want me to do? Chew your slippers? Piss on the kitchen floor? Lick your nose? Sniff your crotch? I bet there’s nothing a puppy can do I can’t do!” And he picked her up as if she weighed nothing at all and began to lick her nose while she giggled and shrieked, and then he carried her to the bed.“

So, yeah it’s a reach but I genuinely think Laura is just pretending Robbie is Shadow. She talks to him as if he’s Shadow, she gets drunk before she sleeps with him. She’s miserable because the love of her life is gone.

I’m not saying Laura is a morally pure person. But she’s not an inherently bad person. She did a bad thing out of desperation and emotional instability and now she’s dead and she can’t apologize because she doesn’t feel all that sorry because she can’t feel anything bc she’s dead. so yeah im not seeking to absolve her of guilt, but like she was also suffering a lot without shadow and the way she coped with it totally sucked! but i also see it as a very (tragically) human thing to do.

PLOT/BOOK SPOILERS BELOW

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another thing: i haven’t read this far in my reread so i don’t remember much detail but shadow is called shadow because he is a shadow of a person. that’s why i think his race is made to be a little bit ambiguous, he doesn’t talk much, and is all together pretty passive in the book. they changed these things because a) shadow as a protagonist needs to be a little bit more relatable/engaging, b) the show would be dry without dialogue, and c) like re: race you inherently have to choose a human to play the role and that person is inherently going to have a racial identity so like that’s just how that works

this is why i identified so strongly with shadow in high school, lol. he isn’t fully himself!!! he’s not fully alive, even! so obviously that factored into laura feeling so distanced from him. all she got were phone calls, potentially rare visits where he was likely suffering a lot emotionally and thus may have been even more distant? and like that’s not his fault, but again laura is a weak person. she needs a lot of love and care and reassurance which shadow can’t possibly give her in prison. it’s not his fault, it is her fault, but shadow has sympathy for her so i ask that you do too! and like you probably do bc you’re following me but ive seen a lot of hate in her tag and it just made me sad bc she’s so complex and to just write her off as a sack of shit is totally reductive bc she was definitely like wracked with guilt when she was alive. we just don’t see it now bc she’s dead and like expressing whatever guilt she had to shadow doesn’t make sense to her because its over, she already did it. and what’s the sense in making shadow feel guilty or sorry for her?

so yeah thats my spiel im sorry it turned into such a rant. but if you got this far thank you omg! ur a star and i hope you understand laura’s nightmare of an existence a little better (at least according to me) lmao love y’all! pls go easy on my dumb zombie daughter