#back when i was a youngin' and didn't have confidence i could make a more interesting looking character portray a range of emotions

[yo-yo-yoshiko]

I was complaining about not being able to draw him properly today so @ultrainfinitepit dared me to draw him seriously crying. Are you happy? He's sad now!!

[teenytinykittenbeans]

Well now...

Here I am on this site again. It's been a few years since I deleted my last account. It's been 15 years since I first joined tumblr. It was my second social media account (after myspace). I still remember learning about tumblr through one of my bestfriends, and then it just spread like wildfire during high school. It was back when WeHeartIt was the equivalent of Pinterest. We'd sift through so many photos to pick out the ones we liked, download them, then upload them to our tumblr "blog" (with absolutely no credit ICK). Back then, tumblr was fun. But also so toxic. The anon messaging feature was honestly a terrible idea for anyone under 18yo. There was so much nasty bullying. It gave people the ability to be really two-faced... But, it also connected us in a way myspace didn't. The openness of tumblr made you feel connected to others. Apart from seeing pictures of them, you saw photos of things they liked, pieces of poetry and quotes that symbolized what they were going through, you saw their interactions with others, you got to find out what kind of music they liked, you got to know other's sense of humor, etc. Idk. It was such an interesting environment, apart from the abusive anons.

And yeah, with my gen getting older, I think we stopped sitting on tumblr and started to go out and experience more things irl. We got jobs, we found new hobbies, some of us just needed change, some of us had kids, etc... The site just stopped feeling as special as it once did. A lot of kids I grew up on tumblr with drifted off... some of us deleted our accounts, and a few stayed...

I think I'm partially back here for the nostalgia. I don't know how long I'll stay. Instagram focuses too much on overall presentation and narrow branding. Tiktok is about playing a character and getting famous. Facebook is full of ads and dull. Snapchat hasn't been enjoyable for me in years. Pinterest is nice for inspiration, but it's system of sharing data based on an algorithm feels messy... And I think that's ultimately it. I miss caring about the people I'm seeing stuff posted by. I miss caring about genuine existences, online.

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My life is so different now from what it was at 15yo. But some things remain the same...

I feel like I'm going through it again, in a similar way to what I experienced at 18. I've lost confidence in myself. I still have such a hard time believing long term goals can become reality, for myself. I'm scared I'm not capable of giving anything good back to anyone. I'm so emotionally unavailable, but really in need of therapy and mending. I'm completely disconnected from my families. I struggle with feeling like I'll ever live up to any standard, no matter how hard I try. I struggle with finding self worth outside of how others view me and treat me.

(Yeah, if you're a youngin' and you've got some kind of financial means of tackling your depression: please deal with it, asap. It comes and goes, but it never permanently goes away. You just learn how to live through it. I wish I had insisted I go to therapy, when I was in my teens, but I never knew I could insist on that from my parents. Mental health is a journey, and it's better to start it as early as possible.)

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Another big change for me, from 15 to 30, is how many people aren't in my life anymore. People move away. People change friend groups after high school. People grow apart. People have kids... If you don't teach yourself small talk or how to connect with new people, you could end up feeling pretty alone.

People also die, way too early. People die that you once didn't get along with, and you cry because it's still heartbreaking to hear. People die that you once laughed with and loved like a sibling. People die that you once had the biggest crush on. People die that you once were just casually friends with...

It makes me realize, more and more each time, that life just happens. You can plan on things. You can schedule events. You can build the life you want. You can just go with the flow. But ultimately, we're not completely in control of our lives, no matter what we do.

It's always devastating finding out someone else has passed away too early. It always feels unreal and unfair.

March 5-6th, 2023