#baby migraine as in it doesn't hurt a lot but ive had it since the first of june

[0p1er0]

My memory is fucking me over 😭

I knew it was a four by three with four different flavors. But I looked and it was three by three??? With only three flavors? But then I looked again and it's four by three with four different flavors?

But at the time I was so sure there was only three flavors like

And then I have false memories where one of my other friends made Eelpups which doesn't make sense as I literally refer to them in my head as Dios Eelpups? But I was so sure Abble made them???

Like, I have memorys of Abble talking about them to me and lightly explaining their diet? Which really doesn't make sense because Abble mostly draws Sanses and Dios does the really cool critters?

My brain is fucking with me and I don't appreciate it

[blackribbonofficialheadcanons]

Spite list: vent

Get that fucking dumbass credit card so you can leave this painful state. Bonus points if it gets uncle to shut up about it.

Get the pointless excuse slip from the doctor so you can stay in Commons (stomach+migraine) cause fuck that supervisor he can shove a whole dick up his ass.

Neuropsychologist to figure out what the fuck is wrong!

If ADHD get med to help focus? So you can get the fuck out of here and live your own goddamn life and stop feeling like you have to do what other people tell you to do.

Just get the fuck out of here.

Work for yourself! This "because I told you so" shit is really starting to piss me off and I cant continue my life like this.

I think the suicidal thoughts are coming back

I don't want them back

Sometimes i think it would be easier if i didn't exist

Why isn't that a socially acceptable option?

I don't HAVE to be here

There's nothing going wrong in my life. So why do i not want to be here? Why am i not happy?

Why do i always break from the monotony and function of "that's just how this world works"? Especially when i know it doesn't have to work like this. But it only does to spite me and people like me without concern or malice. (Which might be worse) at least if the world outright hated me then my frustration would be supported and understood.

Study up on what car you want next i guess.

Would it be worth getting that tattoo?

Do i waste my money?

I literally save most my paycheck and uncle invests a chunk. I dont spend a lot.

I waste my money.

I think i waste my time too.

Im so tired.

I sleep too much.

I don't do enough.

I make all these lists and i don't do anything on them.

I don't allow myself to be mean. Its too much trouble and only makes things worse.

Why cant I just cuss someone out just a little sometimes?

Why cant i just cry?

Im not okay sometimes

I dont think i remember that im not okay sometimes

Ill forget this tomorrow

Not "forget" but it'll be fuzzy. A statement of fact rather than a memory.

I know people love me.

I dont miss people when they're gone.

I dont fear being alone.

I fear people getting mad at me and stop loving me if they realize I don't need them.

Will they think Im heartless?

Im not.

I don't like talking

People don't like that.

I won't remember you.

People don't like that either

I'll move on and leave you behind as a pleasant phantom in my memory that ill never be able to place

I think that's fine. Preferable actually.

That thought hurts others.

Why do so many fear being forgotten and left behind?

Isn't being forgotten preferable?

I used to be motivated by spite. Now even that isn't enough

I feel like im doing something wrong. I dont know what.

Im so lucky to have my family

Im lucky to live like i do

Im lucky to not have to worry about bills and rent and resources

Im lucky i got out at all

Im lucky it wasnt as bad as it could've been

But i didnt do any of that

It was handed and given to me

Did i earn any of what i have?

I didnt earn my first car

...........

How do you earn love?

How do you earn care?

They say i worked hard for what i have.... Did I?

The easiest job ive ever had has paid the most. I like my job. I was originally told not to apply this time around.

College was the hardest and most costly. I hated it. I was pressured into it.

Should i just do what makes me happy at the risk of disappointing loved ones? Or the risk of failing horribly and burdening them with my failure and need of help?

So im passively suicidal again today. So i got something to eat and drank some water. Didnt realize it had been so long since i did either of those. I'm feeling extremely disillusioned with people and reality right now.

I cant believe some dumb bitch thought having a baby would save her marriage and now not only did she still break up now shes dead and I legally cant check out of an existence I never asked for. Like why am I forced to live in a world I was brought into against my will? I can quit a job, relationship, school, anything else at any moment in time. But I'm not allowed to quit life. That's bullshit.

Im sick of being nice all the time. Im sick of having to be the bigger person all the time. Im sick of being kind and patient until I snap and suddenly Im overreacting. And when i try to talk about the problem before i snap its always brushed off because i apparently don't act "distressed" enough.