#axel and cedric being aiden's surprise parents is a fanon thing that kills me

[proheromidoriyashouto]

imagine the influx of orders of soft warm shirts/tunics/dresses for the seamstresses

the sudden rush to appear approachable to the keep's children

the tentatively giddy orphan-trainees trying to subtly imply they would like to be hugged

the standoffish older trainees trying to sublty imply that they do not want to be hugged but will tolerate a hug if a Witcher who wants to hug decides to embrace them in a way that is most likely to get them more hugs without appearing vulnerable or talking about it "because they are not babies"

different kinds of hug brackets; best scoop-and-lift-slightly hugs, best bear-hugs, best warm hugs, best cradled-in-arms hugs, best group hugs, etc.

disabled Witcher specific brackets; best one-armed hugs, best side-hugs, best sitting hugs, best head-nuzzling hugs

the very old Witchers getting in on the action in a "Grandpapa" bracket

Treyse lowkey hoping Mouse will imply an interest in hugging him

he doesn't remember his brother's face or smell or laugh but maybe hugging a grandchild of his will feel like Phillip-Leon is with him still

Mouse wanting to hug Treyse because they're family and he's her beloved mentor but afraid he'll react poorly given the hissing matches that happened when Gaetan tried to hug him after hugging Guxart first

Ciri is banned from the judges panel because she tries to get the geese to submit votes for Eskel

Lil Bleater is allowed to cast one vote on behalf of all the livestock

Jaskier taking advantage and "training" Eskel on his hug technique

the sorcerors get the biggest ICK from this soft shit and avoid grouping of Witchers and children at all costs

Geralt is soft-bullied into competing and its mostly for posterity because he's so affraid of hurting the little ones that he can't relax into it enough to really contend

Julita rallying the smallest snakelets into "ambushing" Letho

one breaks off for Serrit because she reminds him of his mama-she is not competing- loses his nerve as he gets a better look at her face and saves face by tackling Gweld's shins

The Griffins try to pull a fast one and build a "roost" in their section of Kaer Morhen with soft materials to appeal to the most children at any given time

its moderately effective, bringing them to the top of the group bracket leader board

Axel and Cedric get nominated by Aiden on behalf of his pre-grasses self in secret and when they find out they crush him between them for hours

Set in @inexplicifics' Accidental Warlord AU,

Someone starts a rumor that Eskel gives the best hugs of all the witchers. (Everyone knows he gives good hugs, that's not in question, but the best?)

The Cats - chaotic, competitive, and cuddly brats that they are - immediately decide to challenge this. The Cranes - just as chaotic, but in a "can we science or explode this" way - jump in with ideas on how to test it.

Of course it spirals.

By the end of the week, the Cranes have organized a competition - complete with rules - to determine which witcher gives the best hugs. There's an entire scoring rubric. And criteria for who can judge. And who can enter, and how.

Several of the more sensible residents of the keep just back away slowly.

Jaskier, of course, cheers the mischief on whole-heartedly...and then nominates Geralt and Eskel (as a team) and Aubry (by himself).

(The Cranes quickly reshuffle things to add a team bracket. Cedric and Axel start looking for someone to nominate THEM.)

Somehow, the children of the keep - at least the ones unrelated by adoption or step-parenthood to competing witchers - end up as judges.

The Cats are sure they have this in the bag. They're funny! They're friendly! They like cuddling! They even PURR! Clearly there's no competition. Eskel's done for.

...

...

...then Letho dark-horses his way into the title of "cuddliest witcher ever."