#aw so cool. i love the triangles. makes the piece look really sharp !

[yue-muffin]

Time Raiders (2016)

Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3

In my quest to consume the entirety of the DMBJ franchise available in English, I have decided to start with the non-canon movie because at least this one has an ending, unlike the train wreck that is Reboot/Chongqi’s pacing. I will probably be bitter about that for all eternity, but I digress. I heard good things about the movie from the bird app, and as I am a Pingxie shipper at heart, I decided to finally watch this one.

P A R T O N E

The cut-in animation to the title was gorgeous, I do so love the qilin in every adaptation. It’s particularly striking here with the gold outline and geometric, maze-like lines. It looks like the cards at the very beginning were being arranged in the image of this qilin.

My first reaction upon seeing white people in a dmbj adaptation is: oh no, the English, but I was pleasantly surprised to hear perfect English that matches the actor’s lips! What a miracle, haha. I remember The Lost Tomb 2 being the worst for how many lines had to be in English, sob.

These look so cool. I see we start off with a good old “seeking immortality” antagonist, and an obsessed collector who has dedicated his whole life to this apparently. As usual, he is a scumbag threatening the locals.

The old guy’s accented English is also better than TLT2, ha. The breathy/nasal quality is not at all uncommon. I don’t know what language the locals speak though.

Me, immediately: Zhang Qiling already??

I know he appears in rather early in TLT1, TLT2, and Reboot/Chongqi, but he’s so often mysteriously absent or stuck behind a gate (or in Reboot’s case, put on a bus) that I got excited, ok.

My favorite Zhang Qilings are the cold-looking pretty boy types in terms of my mental image of the character, but this one is also very easy on the eyes and as usual, unfazed in the face of danger coming at him with a knife. This is the only series in which I’m not bothered by the constant cast change between adaptations (unlike Ever Night), I suppose since it’s been this way from the start.

I’m interested in seeing how the backstories differ from canon. It’s actually rather interesting that this is pretty much an official AU, like that’s kind of wild as a concept. I’m used to the late 1990s/early 2000s anime adding new characters and changing plot points and endings everywhere, but Time Raiders takes it a step further.

Zhang Qiling being an ultra-competent badass who doesn’t even need a weapon to take the bad guys down never changes, no matter the universe. He steamrolls everyone, no questions asked.

Did he- he break the blade with his bare hands hahaha. Oh, yup, and a Zhang Qiling with a weapon is even more dangerous. I see those severed fingers. Such a good fight scene and we’re not even 5 minutes into the movie.

I love how he could have simply fired the arrow while he was still on the statue, then jumped down, but he had to be Extra and fire while he was jumping off haha.

It- the divine piece was right there?? By “beneath the statue” I would have thought it would at least be under it, not in a convenient little slot on the side of the altar area haha. So Zhang Qiling’s mission is to destroy the divine piece(s)? To, um, save the world apparently.

WHO ARE YOU? What an excellent question to ask a Zhang Qiling (and that staring into the mirror shot, too.)… I wonder if this one even knows - it’s possible he doesn’t have his signature amnesia here.

Wait- a gate? I think it’s in a cave or something in the novels, but gates have significance in DMBJ. The cinematography is really nice in these mountain shots. I know nothing about film, but I like the shots in the snowy mountains.

This Zhang Qiling knows and practices martial arts on screen! You would think he’d pull some moves normally, but in the drama-adaptations he tends to just beat people up as efficiently as possible. Sometimes with his sword. Other times he just fights ‘em. I have to admit Jing Boran looks excellent going through some forms. He nailed the force and power underlying every movement, then exploding outward with a strike. I do like the impression it leaves.

I, on the other hand, am an absolute noodle and look ridiculous when I do martial arts.

What in the world is happening in this flashback scene with the weird CGI qilin. Ah, it’s when he received his tattoo. That was super dramatic.

Wushanju is looking real edgy with the heavy iron gate on the interior, haha.

He is puzzling (ha!) over those cards so intensely you’d think it was a thousand piece puzzle instead haha. You’re almost there! Just a few more to finish the qilin!

Aw, is this our Wu Xie? Haha his facial hair is- hm. But I love his voice it’s so soft. Really fits that “Mr. Naive” vibe.

Is that. Is that the author of the series. I found out that he makes cameos in almost all (if not all of) the adaptations!

NO. ONLY I CAN FINISH THE PUZZLE. HANDS OFF BUDDY.

Why are there so many pigeons in here. Who let them inside.

A writer, who came to hear his story and turn it into a novel- HA yup it’s the author.

“This should be a story about me and him.”

Ahh I’m loving it already. DMBJ is the ultimate bromance story. Fair warning, I do ship Pingxie so my shipper goggles will be on throughout the movie. But even without shipping, you do have to admit the series is a bromance underneath all the mystery – between the Iron Triangle, between Wu Xie and Xiaoge.

This Wu Xie is a photographer and that is sort of adorable. Already there’s a theme emerging of needing to record events and telling stories. Interesting that he wants to turn his memories into a novel to record his experiences, because otherwise he’s afraid those memories might turn into a mere story in his own head. Wu Xie, that’s a worrying mindset.

Those ancient mask things always make me crack up, I don’t know why.

Ooh, background about Wu Xie’s birth into the Wu family. I’ve never read up to the part in the books where they go into his place in the family in detail. To be fair, his grandfather had three sons and only one of them had any kids – and Wu Xie is his parents’ only child. So, he becomes the only one who can really carry on the family legacy. Aw, I really like seeing his extended family present though! In the dramas we only ever get either his Second or Third Uncle, and he rarely ever mentions his parents even though they’re alive.

And there’s his namesake! The origin of his nickname, and the irony once the story gets into the Sha Hai timeline.

Wu Xie was a bit of a rascal as a kid, haha. To be fair he has a pretty sharp tongue in the novels and is mostly a pure cinnamon roll in the early dramas.

Little Wu Xie in a suit is so adorable. Nooo kid don’t go into locked up abandoned places. He’s already so adventurous haha. Seems that it’s not actually abandoned judging by all the lights on, but.

UH. MASKED MAN BEHIND YOU. I think he wants that item back. This is why you don’t go into abandoned places, kid. He definitely does not learn his lesson though. Also why are you still holding onto that thing, just drop it, I think he wants it back.

Haha he kept one of the coins.

WOAH. Every month someone in your family dies?? That’s uh- sort of traumatic. Also that would be a really good first line for a novel…Just saying. I do love the singing though.

Oh, the Nine Families exist in this universe too! They even give a quick explanation about the ranking system.

Oh yeah, I love how Wu Xie is such a nerd for all this knowledge of ancient texts and tombs. And YES HE FINALLY DOCUMENTS STUFF FOR ONCE.

Uncle Three looked dead for a moment there, scared the shit out of me too.

VAMPIRE MOTHS? Oh I hate bugs I would not be okay lol. WHOOPS. You guys are really good at reading ancient texts on the fly lol.

That’s the mask he has in the beginning of the film, isn’t it. NO DON’T TOUCH THINGS IN TOMBS. AHHH. So you just put it on your face?? Well that was a stupidly simple way to open the door. I’m guessing the creator didn’t care if anyone opened it.

This guy just severed his own arm, ok…and how many years later is his hand still clinging to it? UH. THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T TOUCH THINGS IN TOMBS. Then he proceeds to steal the box thing.

Ah the white dude again. I am so happy there is GOOD ENGLISH though haha.

Oh, hi Zhang Qiling. Just hanging out on a rooftop I see.

He looks so melancholy. Someone give him a hug! This adaptation makes him more human, less stoic robotic superhuman, I noticed. You rarely see him eat or drink anything in the other adaptations, but here he’s just chilling on a rooftop having some drinks haha. It’s ok. I love all the Zhang Qilings.

WHAT THE HELL, LIGHTNING? What the hell is this high tech machinery haha. Eight days? Coincidentally eight days after sitting in a tomb for how many years.

That is a very Extra bookcase to hold a book that apparently has ALL the secrets.

WOW that is a fancy notebook. It looks so beat up in the other versions haha. In this one, it even gets its own hidden shelf in a giant portable bookshelf!

The props for this franchise are so cool and detailed. I always wish they would show more of the creative process in the BTS, I’m such a nerd for that stuff. The Longest Day in Chang’an was pretty good at that, which is half of my enjoyment of that show haha!

I’m also still pleasantly surprised they bothered to incorporate other languages. I’m not sure what the Snake Lady and the old man in the beginning were speaking, but at least the English is good.

I can’t believe they worked in a steampunk chastity belt this movie went all out, huh. Also with these weirdly high tech structures and lightning and moving tomb structures.

And all the pieces start coming together! So that’s why it’s believed they hold the secret to immortality. What a steampunk-looking key.

Is that a writing desk??

Oh, they’re getting a team together to go tomb raiding! Ha, forget money! You may or may not end up dying on this adventure, so who cares about money, right.

He’s so cute standing there with his camera. Look at the little smile as he watches everything going on!

It’s a desk and a storage container?? Oh, there are ~qualifications~ to going on tomb raiding. Makes sense. That is the oddest looking sword.

Must appreciate Zhang Qiling’s fingers in every adaptation. They look very strong and steady here. Let’s not talk about the slooow trailing across the handle.

Wow did you really just throw sand in his face. Have we not learned not to mess with Zhang Qiling after he trounced that first guy who attacked him. I love the fight scenes so much after the bore-fest that was Reboot/Chongqi’s second half of Season 1.

Super pretty, but why did it cause him to stop and stare in the middle of the fight?

This is like a Final Fantasy sword haha. Also I think you should stop while you’re ahead, why did you think a table would stop this dude. (Hey, it’s Da Kui! He was in the novel but not TLT1.).

It’s HERE. Their first meeting. How did he know the coin was on that cord? It wasn’t visible, I don’t think. But uh. That was a hilarious move on his part, he is so Extra?? He just casually flicks the necklace off with his big-ass sword and it drops into his hand. Then casually goes “oh, here, you dropped this” as if he wasn’t the one responsible for it coming off in the first place!!

HERE IT COMES. The unnecessarily long eye contact. Pingxie in every adaptation needs a Staring Into Your Eyes scene.

Real smooth.

Ahh this Wu Xie is such a cutie. He’s like a puppy.

WHAT. Third Uncle, I can’t believe you let him tag along so easily haha. In the beginning he was scolding Wu Xie to never get involved in tomb business, then what happens? They’re going tomb raiding!!

Next Up: to the tomb we go! This can’t end badly or anything what are you talking about.

[parasocialpod]

Guess That Craft and Bullying Rylynnd's Mom - Transcript

Follow along with the episode here if you would like to!

Alex: If you haven't heard about anchor, it's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain. It's free, there's creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or computer, and anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple podcasts, and many more.

You can even make money from your podcasts with no minimum listenership. It's everything that you need to make a podcast in one place, so download the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started.

Hi, I'm Alex Thixton.

Nick: And I'm Nick Hayes. 

Alex: And this is Ice Cream Parasocial, a podcast that covers as many different topics as there are flavors of ice cream. 

Nick: Hell yeah. All right, so how- how have you been lately?

Alex: Oh, livin'. Kind of. [laughs] 

Nick: [lauging] Kind of?

Alex: A little bit. I've also been a little bit dead, sometimes.

Nick: Ah, me too. 

Alex: I wouldn't put it past uh, 2020 to be living sometimes and also dead sometimes.

Nick: Uh yeah, for sure, for sure, for sure. My birthday is next week and I am both excited and dreading it. 

Alex: Good old 24. 

Nick: Yeah, the good old, good old 24. Um, I don't know when this episode is going to be out probably after it. 

Alex: Yeah. 

Nick: Yeah. It's definitely going to be after my birthday, so. 

Alex: It's going to be really lonely now that people are gonna like you again when you're not 23 anymore, [laughs] but people still won't like me because I'm still going to be 23 for a few more months.

Nick: Oh yeah. Tha-That's what it is. Nobody likes you when you're 23?

Alex: Yeah.

Both: [laughing]

Nick: God, I can't wait for people to like me again! 

Alex: I know it's been so long. For like a whole year. 

Both: [laughing]

Nick: So we kind of wanted to just play some games because it has been a rough year with nobody liking me. 

Alex: Yeah. [laughs]

Nick: Um, in order to, you know, get started on this podcast, I have been, uh, we'll loosely call it research. I've been listening to a lot of other podcasts and I saw this one game where people... [quietly] fuck. 

Alex: Usually two cows. 

Nick: Usually this is played by two cows. Um...

Alex: When two cows love each other very much. [laughs] Um.

Nick: God. 

Alex: I guess that'd be like a cow and a bull. No, it could be two cows. Maybe one of them is trans. 

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Yeah. The uh- have you, have you seen the- the theory about the back-back at the barnyard cow? 

Alex: Yeah, oh my God! 

Nick: Because h-he has udders. 

Alex: Because he has udders! It was just like, was that your sister? No, I guess that was you. Or like something like that. 

Nick: Yeah, there was, there was, um, Oh God, my memory is awful, but I, I do remember a theory going around that that cow was trans because he had utters and there was that one scene where... there was a picture of him really young and someone asked if it was his sister and he was like, nah, that was me. 

Alex: Yeah! 

Nick: And so we love, we love that cow rep.

Alex: Love that representation!  

Nick: Um. Yeah, no.  So today, we're playing a game called "guess that craft," and I'll be reading out the items needed for said craft and Alex will be trying to guess what craft those items make.

I got all of these off of Pinterest and a lot of them were from soccer mom blogs.

Alex: Oh hell yeah. 

Nick: [laughs] I think one of it, one of them was literally like soccermomblog.com or something like soccermom.blogspot.com 

Both: [laughing]

Alex: volleyballandsoccermommy.tv

Nick: Um, so on this document, I've just got, I've got all the answers on the third page, so just don't scroll past the second page.

Alex: I won't. I don't need to see what lies beyond. 

Nick: Okay. So craft number one is made out of cardstock, yarn,

Alex: I see.

Nick:  a Sharpie marker, good sharp scissors,

Alex: Oh!

Nick:  A scrap of recycled cardboard,

Alex: Okay.

Nick: Glue stick or double sided tape, 

Alex: Okay. 

Nick: and a printable template.

Alex: The printable template. 

Nick: The printable template, my bad.  

Alex: It says the printable template. Um, okay. Uh, yarn, eight ply, um, a Sharpie marker, good sharp scissors, recycled cardboard. Okay. So it's recycled, specifically.

Nick: Right. We are pro environment here.

Alex: We are pro-environment in this craft.

Nick: We are not, we are definitely a hundred percent not just making garbage. 

Alex: We're not just making bullshit here. 

Nick: This is a hundred percent not going to be thrown in the trash in like two months. 

Alex: Of course not. Yeah, of course not. No, with a really, really solid materials, like, you know, paper and cardstock and, you know. Um, let's see.

All right. So going off of these materials, what can you make with that? With yarn? I want to say maybe it's something that like hangs somewhere?

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: Or maybe it has hair, if there's a template?

Nick: Right.

Alex: Maybe both. 

Nick: [laughs] Maybe both. 

Alex: Maybe both. Um, let's see... cardstock, okay. All right, we'll get there. We're gonna get there.

Nick: [chuckles]

Alex: So there's the template. So I'm guessing the scissors cut the template,

Nick: Right.

Alex: and you probably draw on it because there's a Sharpie marker. And then there's yarn,

Mmm.

and there's cardstock, which I'm guessing might reinforce something with the template, or like the cardboard might reinforce the template. Maybe there's something like makes it stand up?

So maybe it's like a cardboard cutout with hair. 

Nick: Uh, to be fair, you're not wrong. 

Alex: Oh!

Nick: You're... at it's base, that's pretty much what it is. 

Alex: Oh!

Nick: It's a pom-pom hedgehog. 

Alex: Oh!! 

Nick: So what you do, you've got the, the template and it's a circle and a triangle kind of like melded together and you take the triangle and you fold it up and it makes a little 3d hedgehog head. 

Alex: Oh cute!

Nick: And then you make a big yarn pom-pom, and you just like glue it down, tape it down onto the circle part.

Alex: Oh, okay. 

Nick: And so it just kind of looks like a little hedgehog and then you take the Sharpie and you draw the eyes on it. 

Alex: It's just a little guy. 

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: Yeah. 

Nick: Just making little friends.

Alex: Just making little friends. 

Nick: Oh, good job on that one! 

Alex: Damn. Yeah, I wasn't expecting to get anywhere remotely close. 

Nick: Yeah. I-it took you some time, but like just kind of hearing your thought process, I was like, he's going to get so close. [laughs]

Alex: Yeah, oh my God. 

So like y'all, we've been. Oh, no. That's spoiler-y. I was to say we've been watching the Umbrella Academy. 

Nick: Oh yeah, don't give people spoilers. 

Alex: I can't.

Nick: I mean, season- we're, we're watching season one and that came out over a year ago, but...

Alex: Yeah, but. 

Nick: I wonder how many people are watching season one, just because season two just came out.

Alex: That's true. I guess just like, if you know, you know, but I'd be really good at that one job. [laughs]

I'd be a really good like case manager. 

Nick: Oh okay, yeah. But yeah, you would definitely be a really, really good case manager. 

Alex: With enough time. And absolute silence. [laughs]

Nick: Uh, yeah, [laughs] that's very fair. All right. So number two is made out of glass jars, varying sizes look best for a collection,

Alex: For a collection. 

Nick: So this is, you're supposed to make a lot of these, artificial snow,

Alex: Okay. 

Nick: hot glue gun, and regular glue,

Alex: Oh! 

Nick: assorted mini christmas trees and mini snowmen, spray adhesive optional. 

Alex: Oh God.

Nick: Glitter, optional. And krylon glitter blast or white spray paint,

Alex: Not optional.

Nick: Not optional. 

Both: [laughing]

Nick: I know I saw glitter blast and I was like, alright, this is going in the podcast, like...

Alex:  When fucking Jimmy neutron grows up and goes to Pride. Glitter Blast!

Nick: Glitter Blast!

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Anyway. Uh, okay. So you need a lot of these. 

Nick: Right. 

Alex: Okay. So my instinct is to say, that maybe it's like some sort of like a homemade snow globe or something?

Nick:  Absolutely correct. [laughs]

Alex: Nice.

Nick: It's a waterless snow globe.

Alex: Oh.

Both: [laughing]

Alex: So like the least soothing snow globe in the universe, basically? 

Nick: Yeah, yeah. 

Alex: Oh, cool. 

Nick: A hundred percent. I don't know if it's still something that you shake to, like, I don't know. I don't think that that would be very fun to shake up because it would just immediately fall back down, so.

Alex:  That's why you need all the glue.

Nick: [laughing] Right!

Alex: Nothing like- 

Nick: Make it really clumpy.

Alex:  Make it clumpy, make it show-so that like the first time you use it, everything doesn't just fall apart on you. [laughs]

Nick: Yeah, yeah. It's one of those like Mason jars, you like glue everything into the lid and then you like... 

Alex: [sadly] Yeah...

Nick: It didn't look great. 

Alex: It doesn't sound fantastic. 

Nick: I think it's one of those things that like, if they didn't call it a snow globe, I would be fine with it.

Alex: Yeah. 

Nick: You know, if it was like a-

Alex: Just like, oh, this is a little miniature instead, or something. 

Nick: Yeah, if it was just a miniature scene or something like that, then I'd be fine. But the fact that you're telling me that I am able to shake this up, 

Alex: The audacity! 

Nick: The audacity of telling me that I can shake this and have it not immediately fall apart and have it be half as soothing as a snow globe.

Alex: Just like, oh, this is fine. I'm sure this is fine! 

Nick: Right? It's it's not, it is not okay! 

Alex: And enough glue to give you a headache, uh, and-

Nick: Right!

Alex: Maybe send you to urgent care, uh, if you're small enough. 

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Okay, are you ready for number three? 

Alex: I'm ready for number three. 

Nick: A a hundred piece kids puzzle, 

Alex: Okay. 

Nick: Don't you dare use an adult puzzle on this, okay?

Alex: Absolutely not. 

Nick: Washable markers, I don't know why they need to be washable, craft paint, white, red, light, pink, and hot pink. 

Alex: Okay. 

Nick: Specifically. Baker's twine red and white, cardstock, one sheet of white paper, card board, 

Alex: Okay. 

Nick: A recycled cereal or Cracker box should be just the right size! Glue gun, and glue sticks, scissors, craft knife and self-healing mat,

Alex: Oh! 

Nick: Paper trimmer, ruler, paint brush, and pencil. 

Alex: Goodness, all right. These are becoming more incomprehensible as we go. [laughs] 

Nick: I think that this is, uh, the most incomprehensible one. It has so many pieces to it. 

Alex: Yeah, goodness. Yeah, because, oh my gosh. First of all, I just have to get something out there or it's going to torment me. 

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: Fucking, as an adult, have you heard the like color wording, hot pink ever? 'Cause now it's just like magenta. 

Nick: No magenta and hot pink are totally different. 

Alex: Yeah, I guess I just haven't heard the phrase hot pink since like the two thousands. 

Nick: Ah, well, we're also two grown men. 

Alex: Or I guess like fuchsia would be more like hot pink? 

Nick: I still think that that's not quite hot pink.

Alex: Maybe... 

Nick: It is true that, hot pink, I haven't heard it in a while, but we are two grown men, that are married to each other, that barely speak to anybody else, that don't have children. 

Alex: Yeah. 

Nick: So I don't think that hot pink is going to really come into our radar that often. 

Alex: Yeah. Again, grown men though. Like, I feel like that's such a like kid phrase, that like, felt so omnipresent, like during childhood. And then like, after hitting, like, I don't know, like 12 or whatever, I just never heard the phrase hot pink again. 

Nick: That's fair. 

Alex: I was just like, that brings back... memories. 

Nick: It definitely. 

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Yeah, that is fair. 

Alex: Um, but judging by the color palette, I want to say that maybe this is like Valentine's day themed? 

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: Goodness, the puzzle is tripping me up! 'Cause the cardstock and the cardboard... hmm, twine also trips me up because I want to say maybe the cardstock... Is it a create your own Valentine's day puzzle? 

Nick: No. 

Alex: No, okay. Because my instinct was to say maybe like the cardstock goes over the preexisting puzzle and you like trace over the puzzle pieces and like the box, like you like store it in the box and then you give it to someone that you care about.

Nick: Right. Um, see, that would be a good idea. 

Alex: Oh no. Uh-oh. 

Nick: Uh, it- what this actually is? It's not bad. I just feel that it's wasteful, you know? 

Alex: I feel it. 

Nick: It's another one of those things that like, while you're making it, it might seem like, oh this is really cool. I'm putting a lot of work into this and like, I can definitely understand how it could fulfill a creative desire, you know? 

It's one of those kinds of crafts that like you make and it feels really good to make, but if you give it to someone else it's going in the garbage immediately. 

Alex: Full stop. 

Nick: Full stop. And it's like, it's something that, depending on how good at crafts you are, you might keep it for a few years to use around Valentine's day, but you're not going to keep it for that long.

Alex: Uh-oh!

Nick: And it's definitely not worth the amount of work that you need to put into it. 

Alex: So is it like a decoration? 

Nick: It's a decoration, yes. Everything with Valentine's day is a decoration, my dude. 

Alex: Uh, yeah, that's fair. 

Nick: If it's not candy, it's a decoration. 

Alex: Good point. Good point. 

Nick: And I feel like Valentine's day decorations are some of the most useless decorations. Actually, no, I lied. The only time that this would be super useful and would probably get a lot of use is from a teacher. 

Alex: Oh! 

Nick: This is very much a teacher craft. 

Alex: Okay. 

Nick: I hadn't realized that until just now. So now I feel really bad for roasting it. 'Cause this is such a teacher craft. 

Alex: Oh, okay. Okay. Oh man. Now I'm lost. 

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: Uh, let's see, okay. Kids puzzle, washable markers, craft paint, bakers twine, cardstock, cardboard, glue gun, glue sticks, scissors, craft night. Craft night? Knife. Self healing mat, Matt heals himself, paper trimmer, ruler, paint brush, pencil. Okay. Okay, so I'm seeing paint brush. 

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: Okay, there is paint. 

Nick: Yeah. 

Alex: Okay. 

Nick: Yeah, you're painting stuff.

Alex: We're painting. We have markers. We have a pencil. Good God. [laughs] We're trimming paper. 

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: God, there's so much in there. Is this some sort of collage, perhaps?

Nick: One could say that it was a collage, of sorts... 

Alex: Oh no. 

Nick: Are you ready to give up?

Alex:  Yes. 

Nick: It's a puzzle piece valentine's day wreath. 

Alex: [quietly screams]

Nick: So what you do, um, something that I didn't put on here because it would have given it away was, a heart shape template. I think it specifically said like heart-shaped wreath template.

Alex: Oh, I see. 

Nick: And so what you do is you cut out, out of the, uh, cardboard, your recycled cereal or cracker box, you cut out this heart that has a heart hole in it. So it's just like a line heart- 

Alex: A heart murmur. 

Nick: [laughing] A heart murmur. Um, and you take this hundred piece kid's puzzle, 

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: And you on the back of it, the cardboard side of the puzzle, not the glossy side, you paint each piece a different color, and then you glue it all around the, 

Alex: Oh-kay.

Nick: You glue it all around the heart template. And then, um, I think you make a banner out of the cardstock and stuff, and that's where you need the markers. So you can write like "Happy Valentine's Day!" And use the twine to hang it up. 

Alex: That is a teacher craft. 

Nick: It's a very teacher craft. 

Alex: That makes sense. Yeah, that's it take home to mom and dad thing. 

Nick: Mhmm, yeah. 

Alex: Gotcha. 

Nick: Yeah, it's very much like you make it in your first year of teaching and you're so excited. 

Alex: Yeah! 

Nick: And then like you bring it out for the week of Valentine's day to hang up on the door and then it goes right back into storage. 

Alex: Yeah. 

Nick: You bought everything from the dollar store.

Alex: Yeah, oh my gosh. 

Nick: Anyways, uh, we need to pay our teachers more so they can get better decorations, thank you. 

Alex: That's all. 

Nick: Thank you, that's all. That's the whole reason that I'm doing this- this episode is so that I can say we need to pay our teachers more. 

Alex: So they can do better for themselves.

Nick: So that they can do better for themselves and do better for the children. [laughs] 

Alex: And for the children! 

Nick: Do it for the kids! 

Alex: Do it for the children.

Nick: Speaking of children, are you ready for number four? 

Alex: Sure. 

Both: [laughing]

Nick: The ingredients for number four are: a clean gallon milk jug with the cap on, a black permanent marker, a craft knife, a pair of sharp scissors with a note attached to it from the people that wrote this. They didn't put this on the craft knife. They put this on a pair of sharp scissors: "Kids, get your parents' help." 

Alex: Not the knife though. 

Nick: Not with the knife. Kids can handle a knife, they'll be fine. 

Alex: Yeah they've got good knife skills, notoriously. 

Nick: But with scissors, kids cannot handle scissors. 

Alex: Never. 

Nick: Uh, [laughs] a wooden dowel, and some strong string or wire. Oh, and don't forget the bird seed!

Alex: Oh goodness. Is this like a bird feeder, perhaps? 

Nick: Yeah. Yeah, it's, it's, it's a bird feeder made out of an old milk jug. 

Alex: Aesthetically appealing. 

Nick: Right? Well, and so the reason that I find this one so funny is that it was the header image on this Pinterest post about like 25, like, kid friendly crafts. 

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: But a child cannot do this.

Alex: Yeah, that's probably not a good idea. 

Nick: 98% of the craft requires cutting up a milk jug and in the original version of the craft, they don't do anything to like cover that edge that they create. 

Alex: Oh, that shit's sharp! 

Nick: Yeah! But like in the compilation, there's a different picture that somebody else took where they did cover the edge with tape, which is another thing that an adult would have to do.

Alex: Yeah!

Nick: And you have to like poke holes in it and the- 

Alex: [quietly] Just for kids!

Nick: Right. And like with the wooden dowels, I think you have to like- 

Alex: Oh my gosh. 

Nick: poke holes and shove those through, and I'm like-  

Alex: I wouldn't know what a dowel was if I was a child I'm pretty sure. 

Nick: Right, and so it's one of those things where it's like great for your kids to watch you do! 

Alex: Right! 

Nick: I guess they can put the bird seed in and like, 

Alex: Go find a milk jug and rinse it out. 

Nick: Right? Like, and then you'll have to go back in and re-rinse it because children don't know how to clean. 

Alex: 'Cause, you know, kids. 

Nick: I'm an adult and I barely know how to clean.

Both: [laughing]

Nick: So I-I just thought that it was so funny. It was just like 25 crafts that your kids can do! And I'm like- 

Alex: All by themselves! 

Nick: And then it's just like, just give them a couple of knives and the sharpest scissors that you've got, and let them go wild. 

Alex: Yeah, just let them go wild. Just give them like a bunch of sharp objects, some strong wire.

Both: [laughing]

Nick: I'm sure that it'll end up fine. 

Alex: I'm sure it's cool, geez. The rest of the list is  just kind of like, all right, so you need like a gas stove, uh this craft you're going to need like two lighters. Um, if you have like a handheld, uh, like a little like flamethrower, then like you can do that, 

Nick: Right!

Alex: Get your mini blow torch, uh. [laughs]

Nick: Right.

Alex: Here's a craft that any child can do, ages three and up.

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Oh, God.

Alex: Oh goodness.

Nick: This, this craft is what created the "What do you have?!" "A knife!" meme

Alex: [laughing] Literally!

Nick: [laughing] "What do you have?!" "A craft!" 

Alex: A craft! Oh my gosh. 

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Oh God. 

Alex: Oh no. 

Nick: Are you ready for the next one? 

Alex: Sure thing. 

Nick: It's not as funny. Um, this one is made out of small crystal beads, a small container, edible gold leaf hearts, optional, fractionated coconut oil, and glycerin.

Alex: Mhmm... I'm stuck on the edible. 

Nick: That's what you're stuck on? 

Alex: 'Cause none of this really looks like it should be edible. 

Nick: I mean, coconut oil. 

Alex: Well, coconut oil, but like, 

Nick: And I think glycerin. 

Alex: I guess that's true, but like beads. [laughs]

Nick: Oh, well, yeah. 

Alex: Uh, maybe like soap. 

Nick: Oh, see, that would be so much nicer. 

Alex: Oh, no.  

Nick: So this craft made me feel bad for making fun of it.

Alex: Oh no! 

Nick: Because, so, [laughs quietly]

Alex: This is a craft only for orphans. 

Nick: No! 

Both: [laughing]

Nick: So it's crystal lip gloss.

Alex: [confused laughter]

Nick: And, so, the container is specifically a lip gloss container, but if I put down lip gloss container, it would be like, 

Alex: Yeah. 

Nick: like a lot more obvious. 

Alex: Makes sense. 

Nick: And the last two ingredients, the fractionated coconut oil and glycerin is to make your own lip gloss. 

Alex: Okay. 

Nick: But they specifically say store bought's fine. But if you want to make your own, apparently fractionated coconut oil and glycerin are enough to make a nice, clear lip gloss.

Alex: Okay. 

Nick: And the rest of it, you just put into the lip gloss container, like one of the ones that you roll on, and, um, it's apparently anti-anxiety 'cause it's something that you can move around and you can watch the crystals. And like, it kind of is like a little lava lamp in there. 

Alex: Oh! 

Nick: And so I was laughing so hard at it because it looked really dumb and like, like way too much work.

Alex: Oh no! 

Nick: And then I scroll down and the YouTube video that goes along with the blog post was like, "anti-anxiety lip gloss!" And I was like, "Oh, I'm an asshole!" [laughs]

Alex: Uh-oh! I am the asshole. 

Nick: Like, I knew that I was laughing at a craft that's clearly made for little girls, but then when I, I realized that I was making fun of anxious little girls, I was like- 

Alex: Oh God!

Nick: "What have I become?"

Alex: Oh no...

Nick: But it was just, it was just so funny because the way that it was set up was like, they really... They really stress the point of like making lip gloss, but then all of the pictures that they use, they just bought a lip gloss, a clear lip gloss and dumped it into this other container. 

Alex: Ah, I guess.

Nick: And the crystals that they got were off of a necklace. So they're like ripping things apart,

Alex: Jesus.

Nick: just to like make this, they cleaned to the crystals, but still like, 

Alex: Still. 

Nick: if I was, you know, a kid, I would much rather have like a nice little crystal necklace. 

Alex: Yeah! 

Nick: But I guess that's just me, you know? 

Alex: I know.

Nick: I don't know. It was just really funny just being like... 

Alex: Oh my gosh.

Nick: But it's also one of those things that like, I 100% would have done as a kid. 

Alex: Oh yeah, for sure. 

Nick: Because I was that kid that, my parents got so mad at me, but I would make, um, potions out of the shampoos and conditioners when I was a kid, just by like mixing them together, I don't know why I did. 

Alex: I used to do that shit too! 

Nick: But like, I think that I, at some point, no, because it wasn't just that I was like mixing them together. It's that I had, I had taken an empty bottle and every time that I would shower, I would pour a little bit of everything into it and then like take it to my room. And I had it like in my desk. 

Alex: Just 'cause.

Nick: Just because like, that was my special bottle. 

Alex: Awww!

Nick: It was my special little potion bottle. 

Alex: That's so wholesome.

Nick: And-

Alex: So fucking weird, I love it.

Nick: So fucking weird, but I think my parents found out one day and they were like, "What. The. Fuck?" 

Alex: [laughing]

Nick: "What are you doing, kid?" 

Alex: "Hey, what-what's this?" [laughs] 

Nick: "Why do you ha-?" And because it was so many things, it was this nasty brown, like,

Alex: [laughing]

Nick: gold color, because, you know, I, it was a lot of like cheap shampoos and conditioners and body soaps. It was like everything. 

Alex: [quietly] oh no

Nick: And so like, you know, my mom's stuff would be like this kind of like ivory color, like this nice, like gold color, and I was mixing it in with my dad's stuff, which was this like arctic, neon blue. And so mixing it all together, it just turned into this sludge color. 

Alex: [laughing] Oh god.

Nick: And I don't know why my parents insisted on cleaning my room every once in a while, 

Alex: Oh no.

Nick: Because every time that they did it ended in a nightmare.

Alex: Yeah. 

Nick: That was one of the times I came home from school or something and they were like, "What have you done!?" 

Alex: Like after a while, like, you'd think that they'd just be like, "I don't want to know." [laughs]

Nick: Right!

Alex: "Whatever's going on in there, I don't want to know." 

Nick: "I don't want to know." 

Alex: "I don't want to fucking know." 

Nick: And I-I think that my mom started to learn that as I got into being more of a teenager, of just, "I just don't, I don't want to know what's happening in there. I know it's bad. I'm just going to leave it." 

Alex: "I'm just gonna fucking leave it." 

Nick: But if they had done that so much earlier, they probably, you know, they probably would've had a better time. [laughs]

Alex: Yeah. 

Nick: I think we all would have a little bit of a better time. 

Alex: Oh, my gosh. 

Nick: Well, I think that a lot of it is that, uh, I wanted to be Raven from teen Titans.

Alex: That's so cute! 

Nick: So bad. I for sure thought that I was going to grow up and be this like goth woman. And that was not what happened. 

Alex: Aww, not at all. [laughs]

Nick: Sure, I might wear mostly black these days and, you know, even when I was a teenager, but, uh, I did not end up being a woman, so. 

Alex: [laughing] I don't know if the potions worked. 

Nick: I don't, I don't think the potion- I think that my parents took the potion away from me too early, so. 

Alex: Yeah, like you only got halfway there.

Nick: Yeah I only got  half way there to becoming the witch that I was meant to be. 

Alex: Exactly.

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Oh my god. That is so fucking funny. That reminds me of, like, I did like a reverse version of that, like taking shit into the shower that shouldn't be in the shower when I was a child.

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: Like I remember one time I was at my grandma's house and like, um, like I was like making pancakes or something. Like, I'd like, just learned how to make pancakes. And I think I was like, it was one of the first things I knew how to make. So I want to say it was like eight-ish, which is probably too old for this, but it's fine.

Nick: Ah, I don't know. 

Alex: But my brain did the thing where like, this does this and therefore like analog, this does this. And I was just like cinnamon and vanilla sure smell good. You know what else? I like to smell good. And so I just like took it into a bathroom and I was just like, what if I just... what is bodywash really? [laughs]  

Nick: [cackles like the goth witch he was meant to be]

Alex: I just think about that sometimes.

Nick: I-I'm sorry. Are you telling me that you just washed yourself with vanilla extract? 

Alex: Yes. [chuckles] To be fair, it wasn't-

Nick: [cackles again]

Alex: To be fair, it was artificial. So it wasn't expensive. 

Nick: Oh, thank God! 

Alex: That's the part we were all worried about. I think it was my hair. I don't think it was my body. I want to say it was my hair. 

Nick: Oh, Okay.

Alex: 'Cause like there's all the like cheap hair products and shit that are like, oh, it smells like Madagascan vanilla or whatever.

Nick: Ah, yeah. That's fair. 

Alex: And you were just like, well, I know that's not what's in there. So my brain was like, Oh, well, like this is the real thing, so, I might as well. 

Nick: But it still wasn't the real thing. 

Alex: It still wasn't, but it was closer. So I was just like, I'm just going to put cinnamon and vanilla in my hair and then it's going to smell good. It's just like, that's such a like child brain thing to do. 

Nick: Absolutely.

Alex: [laughing] Just like... 

Nick: Well, after these stories, we are definitely going to need the next craft. 

Alex: Oh, good! 

Nick: Which is made out of a water bottle, and I realize now that I spelled a water wrong in the document, I spelled it with two T's. 

Alex: Watter. 

Nick: I got a little too excited. 

Alex: Yeah. 

Nick: Uh, water-

Alex: [quietly] I really love this craft. 

Nick: [chuckles] You need a water bottle, flour, a balloon, yarn, and Sharpie.

Alex: Okay. So what I'm thinking is: flour's really heavy. 

Nick: Uh-huh.

Alex: And you put the flour into the water bottle and then you put- use the water bottle to funnel it into the balloon, perhaps. 

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: Um, and then you maybe use the Sharpie to draw a little face on the balloon and then, uh, you use the yarn to give it hair. 

Nick: Mmm. And what does that make? 

Alex: A little guy? [laughs]

Nick: The, the frustrating thing is that you are 100% correct.

Alex: Oh! [laughs]

Nick: It makes a stress ball. 

Alex: Oh!

Nick: So it makes a little guy, that you squeeze to death. 

Alex: Oh, good. [laughs] A little guy, and then you kill him.

Nick: And then you murder him.

Alex: You murder him. 

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: I was just like, I don't know why you want a little guy filled with flour, but I guess you can have it. 

Nick: Right.

Alex: Oh, uh-oh.  

Nick: So the next one you need a small roll of toilet paper and I need to preface this with not, uh, toilet paper, uh, the insert, the cardboard insert a roll of toilet paper.

Alex: Not in my house. 

Nick: Right. Uh, but like not a full roll, like a half used roll of toilet paper. There was like a specific measurement that they gave for like how thick it needed to be. 

Alex: [quietly screams]

Nick: Um, one sheet of red felt, one sheet of gray felt, gray yarn, one and a quarter inch wood bead, hot glue gun, as always, and two sheets of cardstock.

Alex: See, when you started describing this, I was going to make a joke and I was going to be like, see, this is why we can't have kids, but the further you got into describing it, I'm having a sense of dread that this is an adult craft. 

Nick: Um... it's... 

Both: [laughing]

Nick: It could be either?

Alex: [laughing] Oh.

Nick: I, it- Wasn't specifically like,

Alex: For kids.

Nick: Yeah, it wasn't specifically like "This is a craft for kids!" I, I think that it's meant to be decor. 

Alex: [laughs] Oh no.

Nick: It's very much like a "mom" decor, but like, it's meant to be decor. 

Alex: Decor nonetheless.

Nick: Yeah. 

Alex: Oh boy. All right. Uh, red felt, gray felt, gray yarn wood bead, hot glue gun, cardstock, toilet paper, uh, this feels like some sort of Santa abomination. 

Nick: Very close. You are on the right track. 

Alex: Uh, Christmas nightmare?

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Christmas gnomes! 

Alex: Ahh...

Nick: So I didn't read too, too much into like how you do it, but, uh, basically the, the roll of toilet paper makes the base and then the red felt makes a little gnome hat you like to set up into a, a triangle. It makes it a little gnome hat. And then I guess, glued to the sides of the toilet paper you- is the yarn that's all cut to a length to make the beard. I don't remember where the gray felt comes in. And, but the little wood bead is his nose that you put like right up under the hat. 

Alex: Oh, okay.

Nick: So it's as if the, uh, the hat covers it's eyes. So this thing is just hat, nose, beard. 

Alex: Oh God. 

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: Oh God. 

Nick: So it's one of those things where it is like, I don't know that kids would- 

Alex: Like enjoy this.

Nick: necessarily like it, but I can definitely see a mom being like, "Let's all make this! It's going to be so cute!"

Alex: "Let's make this and give it to grandma!" 

Nick: Or even just like, let's make this and put it up on the, on the mantle. And you know, like Santa is gonna love seeing this. And then like one night, they, she like sends the kids off to grandma's house and has some friends over and she's like, "Look at these cute little gnomes, aren't they so cute?" [laughs]

Alex: Yeah! Oh my God. The kids like wander off like halfway through making them and she has to like finish them and she's just like, these are just so cute. I just really like them. 

Nick: Right, it's a hundred percent like they're, you know, she's got friends over it and it's just like, aren't these just adorable. I just made it out of like, [laughs]

I just mean like you go underneath, it's just paper. 

Alex: It's literally toilet paper. 

Nick: I got everything from the dollar store. The whole thing I made all five of these for like $3. 

Alex: Marissa stop. 

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: Stop it right now. No way. Oh my God. 

Nick: That's so cute. I'll have to do it with my kid. 

Alex: That is so cute. Rylannd would love it.

Both: [laughing]

Nick: I am so sorry if your name is Rylannd. 

Alex: I am also sorry Rylannd. 

Nick: We love you Rylannd. 

Alex: Love you, Rylannd. Thank you for listening. 

Nick: Don't be mean to Rylannd! 

Alex: Oh, I'm not mean to Rylannd! 

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Bullying Rylannd's mom. 

Alex: Yeah, we're bullying your mom, Rylannd.

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Oh God. Alright. Are you ready for the last one?

Alex: Yes. 

Nick: A plastic bottle,  food coloring, gel or liquid, an old sock, 

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: Don't you- don't you dare buy a new sock for this. I- 

Alex: Don't you fucking dare. 

Nick: This sock better be nasty. 

Alex: And crusty. 

Nick: [aggressively] This sock needs to be used. 

Alex: [aggressively] Used! 

Nick: [normal voice] Uh, rubber bands, dish soap, disposable bowl. So, we're recycling the sock, but don't you dare use a bowl that you might use again.

Alex: Well, not with a sock that old. 

Nick: Yeah, that's fair. Uh, and water! 

Alex: And water. 

Nick: Not from the plastic bottle, though. This is tap water. 

Alex: Okay, good. Uh... 

Nick: Oh, and something that's not on here is like scissors. You're going to need scissors or a knife to do this. 

Alex: Okay. Okay. Uh, food coloring, sock, I'm distressed that it's food coloring specifically, but I'm guessing that that's just so that it's nontoxic?

Nick: Mhmm, yeah, this is definitely for kids. 

Alex: Definitely for kids. Umm. Dish soap, disposable bowl, plastic bottle, old sock, rubber bands.

It's like... like a tie dye sock? 

Nick: Why would you tie one sock? 

Alex: Is it like a tie dye, a sock puppet. 

Nick: No. 

Alex: Uh, is it... [chuckles] a bottle? [laughs]

Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. So I feel like the bowl and the water and the food coloring, I'm guessing, probably go together.

Nick: Um, the bowl, the water and the food coloring? 

Alex: Uh-huh. 

Nick: Uh, and one more thing. Well, no, the food coloring doesn't go with that stuff, but something else does. 

Alex: A rubber band? Or the di-di-di-di-dish soap. 

Nick: Yeah, the dish soap. [laughs] 

Alex: I got there. [laughs] The dip. You have to chew tobacco, while you do it. 

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Um, okay. So are we washing the nasty sock? 

Nick: Fuck no! 

Alex: Okay, good. We need it nasty.

Nick: We need the nastiest- 

Alex: [aggressivly] The nastiest sock. 

[normal voice] Um, Oh God. Are we filling the plastic bottle with something? 

Nick: No. 

Alex: Okay. I might have to concede on this one. I don't fucking know! 

Nick: Uh, Rainbow bubble snakes, obviously. 

Alex: Wh- [laughs] Pray tell? 

Nick: So what you do, you cut the plastic bottle in half, 

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: um, and you use the rubber bands, you cut the sock in half. 

Alex: Okay. 

Nick: Most likely. And you take the sock and stretch it over the open, the big open side of the water bottle. 'Cause so you've got the side where the, uh, spout? Where like the lid goes on the water bottle. 

Alex: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nick: Um, that's the side that you want. But then on the big cut side, that's where you're going to put the sock and rubber band it. And then you're going to take the food coloring and kind of drop a couple of little drops onto the sock while it's on the bottle. And then you dip it into the disposable bowl, which is filled with water and dish soap, and then you... blow.

Alex: Okay! 

Nick: And when you blow through it, it makes this, like, it makes a ton of tiny bubbles that stick together. 

Alex: Uh-huh.

Nick: And because you used the food coloring, it's a rainbow and it all just kinda like comes out. It's the long, like little like poop snake. [laughs]

Alex: Hmm... kids love it! 

Nick: It's so funny because in the pictures that it showed, uh, there was, uh, a little kid that was, you know, blowing to get it to come out and they had to blow so hard.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Like it was just so forceful trying get these bubbles to come out and I was just like, oh, you poor thing! 

Alex: Oh, no! There's like a little disclaimer on there that's just like, not for children with asthma. [laughs] 

Nick: Absolutely! [laughs]

Alex: Oh no. 

Nick: And that's it. That's all of the crafts that I've got for you today.

Alex: Alright, shit.

Okay then. What did we learn today? 

Nick: [laughing] Absolutely nothing. 

Alex: Oh, okay, good. 

Nick: That crafts are insane. 

Alex: Yes. 

Nick: And only for kids or teachers. [laughs]

Alex: Only for kids or teachers. 

Nick: Both of which need to be paid more. 

Alex: Yes. [laughs] To be kept away. From. Marissa.

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Oh goodness.

Nick: Alrighty, and with that, we will see you guys next week. Thanks for tuning in! 

Alex: See y'all next week!

Both: Whoo!

Alex: Beep Beep! 

Nick: The Beep Beep isn't really said by us.

Alex: Oh, okay.

Nick: I just put it in there as a thought. 

Alex: That makes sense. 

Nick: We can, we can. Beep Beep!

Alex: Beep Beep!