#at the very least you're gonna break the brake

[bread-tab]

using anxiety as a coping mechanism for lack of impulse control (adhd or whatevs) is like driving around with your regular brakes broken so you're using your parking brake instead. kinda works, maybe? but it's fucking terrifying and will probably end in carnage

[teaandfiction-28]

Happy Saturday Lovely Readers! 💛

I hope you're all keeping well.

Chapter Fourteen of Turn Back Time is well under way... and I see a sorely missed One Chicago crossover in the very near future 😉

If you're into spoilers, there's an excerpt of the chapter under the break! Let me know what you think 💛

The moment her thumb left the button, a sea of red lights appeared out of nowhere as the stream of traffic came to an abrupt stop, forcing Kate to stomp hard on the brakes and swerve onto the sidewalk to avoid rear-ending the white Prius that was already billowing smoke from beneath the hood.

“Meadows? You copy? Kate!”

Hank’s voice suddenly sounded distant and tinny but the urgent panic was enough to prompt her into action, scrabbling around in the footwell to retrieve her lost radio that had clattered to the floor while she barely avoided joining the collision. The dull ache that seared across her sternum was overpowered by the adrenaline surging through her veins as Kate gripped the thin device between shaking fingers, released the seatbelt and shoved the door to her Jeep open, stepping onto the hot asphalt and squinting into the midday sun. 

The scene before her was utter carnage. At least half a dozen cars were now a single pile of mangled metal in the middle of the street, many of them emitting a noxious black smoke but it was the black SUV that had veered off of the street entirely and was now upside down in a pile of rubble and glass that immediately drew Kate’s attention.

“Yeah, I’m here…we’ve got a 10-18 at the intersection of Halsted and Cermak, multiple casualties. We’re gonna need as much help as you can get us Sarg.”

She could vaguely hear him confirm that he had received her request before she shoved her radio into the back pocket of her jeans and took off at a sprint towards the SUV. The drivers side window was almost completely crushed but as Kate dropped to her knees to peer inside the cab, a pained whimper confirmed that, miraculously, the driver was still alive. 

“H-help me, please.”

[the-firebird69]

Vitacci Predator FX400 UTV - FamilyGoKarts.com

This is 20 horsepower and usually they are a bit cheaper about $3500. And people know that and they have them sitting there driveway or garage under a cover and they don't use them because they don't know how to tweak them and we do. they are not liquid cool and they should be and we have a jacket and a jacket kit and the cooling system is only about $85 in our kit that we can make and also we have a kit for speed new carburetor and new exhaust brings into about 35 horsepower it's about where the motor should be. We also add in an option for a top end kit it's about a 210 CC motor we offer a kit that makes it 350CC and the engine is big enough yes. That brings the horsepower to about 45 horsepower and now you're talking about horsepower that you can make a small vehicle out of. The fit car has about 60 horsepower no it's about 35 horsepower that high performance small honda you saw the 660 s has only 40 horsepower. And it goes pretty good. We would leave the gearing alone and the axles and so forth you need new tires and rims and you need a drop one body kit and a new interior and you need to chop the roll cage off the top and attach the roll cage we send and we show you where the attachment points are of course it's part of the kit and it comes ready made and all you do is bolt it up and weld it and you drop the body kit on in the glass you have to put on afterwards or it would break every time. This is going to be a fiberglass kit and he wants the other ones to be metal and will have a full blown automobile industry making those other kits. The reason is safety and reliability and people won't buy them if they're fiberglass because they're not of that level. Price will stay the same because we can make tons of them very quickly and we're going to start making the Corvette. And we're gonna go through statistics.

Vitachi 4 wheel original horsepower 20HP

2.Vitachi original top speed forty eight miles per hour

3. Vitachi original zero sixty 4.9 seconds. And you cannot drive it on the road in this format however with our kit

H1/2 HUMMER LIKE THE HUMBUG FBGL FULL KIT

1. H1/2 New horsepower 48 horsepower

2. H 1/2 zero to sixty three point two seconds

3.H1/2 top speed with two passengers the way £150 each top speed 180 mph with two passengers the way one hundred and fifty pounds each

the H1/2 kit Is a drop on kit most of the items are already installed on the fuselage including the dashboard and gages you just need to hook them up and a new battery system is included which adds one battery of a different size. And also the charging system is included the voltage regulating system is included and it has a small solid state control box. Discharge systems for extra current are included and grounding systems also it has a gear shift kit included to use a floor panel system and a box system adjacent to you on the right new steering wheel new steering column and steering system included the glass the full body and it is made of fiberglass with an enclosure and full interior including two seats in the front and event seat in the rear and this particular version would have a roll cage and a soft top it is the least expensive. Can we include new rims and tires they're lightweight and that's Why. Goes to come with it or twice as heavy each.

Estimated price of this kit is about $5000 because it's all small parts and it's all lightweight and it's not very high performance the brake system included is hydraulic that comes with your vitaki and it's street legal everything about this makes it street legal. It comes with a horn and lights turn signals and control panel for that and fuse box for that and a small radio it's very cheap but what do you want it's a military type vehicle. We'll have other models off road dune bug you type which would be a baja car and it'll be a Chevy in a Ford and they would look very cool psyche off Road Camaro and an off road Ford Mustang for this size vehicle and larger off road quad UTV. And we're going to start opening factories for this now and the UTV don't really sell but these will and we're going to convert those factories to this mode. Asap asap

--- We are handling the fallout in residual activity from the evacuation and the loss we are mitigating it it is not as catastrophic as predicted at this very time but we are constantly beefing up right now just in case they're evacuating peacefully they're not building trillions of devices it is a number and it and it is up there but it's not huge. People don't want them to blow us up they say and we are moving out and we're getting moving on these ideas as well and we're going to open the factories. Programs are slated to start on Friday we will make announcements of other programs beginning tomorrow and they are major and we want ours to sign on as soon as you can. This is a professionally done product and our kit is going to be professionally made. Kits these days that are add-ons or perform Kits these days that are add-ons or performance kits have all the parts you need and one of the companies that made that happen was ikea and our son said you have to have everything in it and they made it a staple and these guys do the work sometimes. Going to be doing the work in the Midwest and we're going to be hiring them and in the perimeter to do this work. They are going to love these buggies and they are Baja buggies they're not doing buggies they go in the dunes very easily and they go on Baja as well which is much more difficult the more expensive the Baja donor vehicle the better of the performance and engines of 250CC are better usually the chassis is Baja professional race quality and you can go extremely fast some we have made go 300 mph and that's about 150 mph faster than your fastest buggy. And we will be making these for competition and people will be buying them and you will see them on TV. All of our Gods with you and all our prayers and Godspeed

Frank Castle Hardcastle and he says he wants to see me out there and his wife 'cause he's gonna raise us race us and do the stupid thing over again and not hurt himself and we have to do this now.

He says it's a friendly race and he wants to get together and see if he can do anything but he's gonna try and sometimes he wins. So I'm gonna get ready for it he says he needs a big one I need a big one too. They do make bigger ones and they're Class A but really this is gonna be intense he's gonna have to make when he said.

Thor Freya

Yeah I'll give you advice probably. I mean it too and I soup it up and hyper cool it and yeah we're gonna have to do that

and hyper cool it and yeah we're gonna have to do that

dave

shit kid ok

sam

we do this now now

ken

go back to sleep ken

Hera haahh no me Thor Freya

and good no victory motorcycle too heavy true too

ken

nope

Zues

and explain ok twit hahaah lo just woke up him too but he is in hsi apartment ok was a duzy mb

ken

There are a lot of bikes in the market but there was only one victory that I heard the motors at first for not humongous but very big but very powerful but so is the frame and there were not as heavy that's the way in combination and they also had trimmed down versions

Zues

It's true they were not as heavy as the Harley still fairly heavy but they were strong the frames can hold up his weight he's gonna weigh 400 pounds and it is rated for about£800. It doesn't say that but it is and they wave like £300 less. And pound for pound it would work because you need a transmission like that to go any distance and with a motor that big and a person that big.

Hera

good so im in if you try it.

Ken

We have many ways ofWe have many ways of trying but this would be a major major major company to try that with just like Pontiac. Of the problems is the name of the bike. The words for people other than the max and they want to use it to try and take over but we will try and get that going and put it in as a special project request and he says by Hera it's hers and she agrees. There's another one he can't remember the name of but we're gonna put that one in two something like American Eagle and that's what it is.

Frank Castle hard castle

You always have to be **** **** I thought you're my friend he says well that's my end and don't you want to rub and yeah that's good.

ken

Olympus

[sirenascales]

18+

This wasn't what you signed up for when you took this job, but you weren't complaining.

Chuuya x F!Reader

1,945 words

cw: SMUT, nsfw, car sex, public sex I guess in a car so...., clothed sex, i guess this is considered a quickie lmao

Got a request idea from @donna-wants-to-be-an-alien and I wanted to make a separate post cause it got kinda long lmfao. But enjoy!

The airport was probably one of your least favorite places to be at, whether you are traveling, or working your side job as you were doing now. You were the classic broke college student, and during your summer break, you decided to become a limo driver just for some extra cash. Most of the people you picked up were obviously rich, snotty as hell, but at least they tipped very well. That was the only reason you tolerated it.

It was hot, and you stood outside the private car waiting for your passenger to arrive. Apparently the man you were picking up was very important, since you had to sign an NDA before you even accepted the job. Whatever

You fanned yourself, holding up a sign with your passenger's name: Nakahara. You've never heard this name before, but you didn't really care as you watched people walk out of the airport, keeping an eye out for someone who could be your passenger. You waited, straightening your back when a young man with red hair walked towards you. You schooled your expression, wondering how he wasn't dying with his outfit: a black fedora, black jacket and a freaking collar.

"Are you Nakahara?" you asked when he got close enough, and wow... he was hot. You bit the inside of your cheek, smiling at him politely.

"It's Chuuya," he answered simply, and you just assumed that was his first name. You turned and opened the back door for him and he just raised his eyebrow at you. "Don't you drivers usually wear a uniform?" Indeed, you were wearing a summer dress.

You almost snorted, wanting to hold some version of decorum because of your job, even if you were outside of their regulations. "If you want me to be honest, it's just way too hot out here."

"It's hot as balls," he just retorted, climing into the back seat. This time you did snort, holding back your laughter as you closed the door for him and climbed back into the driver's seat. You relished in the cool, air conditioned vehicle, pulling off soon after.

"You were told the conditions of this job, right?" Chuuya asked promptly and you nodded, glancing back at him through the rear view mirror. He was relaxed, sitting in the middle with his arms stretched on the tops of the seats. God, he was so hot.

"Yeah, I drop you off and come back tomorrow to take you back to the airport, right?" you answered him, wanting to clarify it with him. You glanced back again, keeping your hands on the wheel. Chuuya leaned up, his body now between the two front seats as he spoke.

"Yes, but no," he started, his voice right at your ear making your body tingle. "You're going to wait for me, then take me back."

You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion. That was not what you signed up for. "That's not suspicious at all."

"And yet you're still gonna do it," he said lowly and you frowned, shifting your leg to brake at a red light. You missed how his eyes lingered on your legs. "I will tip nicely."

"You don't have to tell me twice," you said, your concerns immediately thrown out the window. You couldn't help but laugh when Chuuya snorted. "Listen, I am a broke college student, so I guess I'll take a sneaky job or two to make some money."

Chuuya just smirked and laughed as he sat back in the seat, and you briefly wondered... who the hell was this guy, did he lie about the real job, or did your boss know him personally?

But you didn't question it much more. That was the nature of this job: you meet people from all walks of life, only to never see them again. It was a shame, you'd definitely like to see Chuuya again.

"Just wait here," Chuuya reminded you again when you pulled up to the destination; a fancy looking office building. He didn't give you time to respond, or even get out the car to let him out. He did it himself and you watched, catching a nice glance at the gun holstered on his hip.

Yeah. Totally not suspicious. Not the job, Chuuya himself, and definitely not the two men in black that guarded the front doors of the business, them only nodding to Chuuya as he walked inside.

And he didn't return for two hours. You were annoyed, waiting impatiently. Just what was he doing up there? It had to be nothing good, considering how suspect eveything was. You tapped your fingers on the steering wheel, turning your head when the car door opened and Chuuya finally climbed back into the back seat.

"Was the mission a success?" you asked and Chuuya nodded, smirk on his face.

"It went beautifully."

"I see," you nodded, driving off again. "Back to the airport?"

"Yeah," Chuuya answered. You glanced back at him, shaking your head a bit as you chuckled.

"How are you not hot in those clothes?"

Chuuya shrugged his shoulders, leaning back comfortably as he did before. "I'm just used to it. Why?"

"I dunno. I think I'd rip my clothes off in an hour if I had all that on and it feels like a sauna out there."

"Hm. It just sounds like you want me to take my clothes off."

The joke caught you off guard and you bursted out in a fit of laughter, covering your mouth with your hand. "Would you feel weird if I said you were wrong?" Cause he wasn't.

Chuuya chuckled softly, leaning up between the seats. He spoke, his voice in your ear making you shiver again.

"I wouldn't feel weird. Though I do feel like we should find a secluded place."

You shivered again, looking back at him and licking your lips. "I know just the place."

The sun had just set by the time you drove into the truck stop, brakes squealing as you came to an abrupt stop in between two tractor trailers. You snapped off your seatbelt, leaving the car on as you turned and climbed into the backseat and onto Chuuya's lap.

Your lips connected in a heated kiss, Chuuya's hands slipping up your dress while you pulled his dress shirt out of his pants. As much as you both would have loved to take things slow and savor it, there was no time, and you had to get it done before you were caught.

You broke from the kiss and moaned when Chuuya started to rub on your clit with gloved fingers, your panties pushed to the side. You worked on unbuttoning his pants, feeling his bulge underneath the layers just waiting to be free. He hissed in your ear as you started to stroke him through his underwear, his fingers working faster to get you wet and ready for him.

"Do you always have sex with your clients?" Chuuya asked you, his mouth against yours and you laughed before moaning, kissing him before answering.

"Only the hot ones who I'm sure are criminals," you grinned at him, knocking his hat off his head before kissing him again. "But don't worry, I had to sign an NDA... which probably means my boss isn't as innocent as I think he is."

You finally pulled his cock from his pants, fully stroking him now. Chuuya leaned his head back and moaned, glancing down at you when you stopped, reaching blindly towards the front seat of the car. "What are you doing?"

"Condom..." you answered, finding your purse and producing the small foil packet. "We have to hurry because the truck drivers are always coming in and out..."

"Then hurry the hell up," Chuuya grunted and you scoffed, shutting him up with a rough kiss. He helped you slide the condom on, then he held your panties to the side while you lined yourself up to him.

"Go slow," you muttered as you started to sink down on him, knowing you probably weren't as ready as you should be. Still, you kept sliding down, biting your lip and moaning as Chuuya used his thumb to rub circles on your clit to help you.

"Fuck... you feel good..." he moaned and you smirked back at him, licking your lips as you slowly started to ride him. You grabbed his shoulders, looking the handsome man in his face before kissing him yet again. You kept up the pace for a bit, moaning as the pleasure slowly started to build up. Chuuya gripped onto your hips, pulling you down on his dick as he started to thrust up into you. You cursed when he suddenly bit your lip.

"Bastard," you growled at him, grabbing his face and biting his lip back. Chuuya just laughed, a smug look on his face as he squeezed your hips. He licked your face, all before he started to glow red and suddenly, your body felt weightless.

"Wait- what are you doing?" you gasped, Chuuya now able to effortlessly fuck you up and down on his cock. You cried out in pleasure, confusion leaving your mind as you screwed your eyes shut. "Chuuya, fuck..."

"Yeah, that's good, right?" he groaned, sweat on his forehead as he continued to fuck you. God, you felt so good around him, hot and tight and your moans were heavenly. Too bad this will likely be the last time he saw you, so he had to make it count.

He pulled you down hard, making you cry out again. You reached out, grabbing his collar and yanking him to you to kiss him hard. The car shook, the windows fogging up as you two breathed heavily in the throes of pleasure.

You came first, wave after wave of euphoria coursing through your body from your scalp to your curled toes. You fell limp against Chuuya, him using his strange power to continue fucking you until he finally came, shooting his load into the condom with a loud curse.

"Holy shit... fuck," he cursed again, his red glow disappearing and you finally felt like you were on earth again. You breathed heavily against his chest, Chuuya keeping his hands on your legs as he tried to catch his breath.

You two shared one last, breathless kiss before you climbed out of his lap, fixing yourselves before you weakly climbed back into the driver's seat. You still had to take him the rest of the way to the airport, but you waited until you could feel your legs again.

"Thanks for riding with us," you said playfully after parking at the airport, looking back at him with a smile. "Please give us a five star rating on our website!"

Chuuya snorted and laughed, rolling his eyes at you as he opened his door again without waiting for you. "Sure, for the amazing services and a charming driver." You grinned again and he shook his head, bidding you a quick goodbye before he left. Welp, there he goes. You were going to miss him.

But the smile left your face as you were halfway back home, you slapping your steering wheel. "He didn't tip me!"

But don't worry, for the next day, you got a notification on your phone and saw a very large amount of money was deposited into your bank account. Your jaw dropped as you read the note that came with it.

'You wouldn't have looked good in the uniform anyway.'

You were still in shock, blinking a few times at the many zeroes now in your bank account. You didn't expect that! But wait...

How did Chuuya get your information?

I'm taking requests :)

[bobasheebaby]

70 Scrubs Prompts

Yup, another prompt list. Most of these are actually light and funny, though some are a little heavier. I tried to pick ones that would work outside of a hospital setting. Again it’s super long so cutting at 15. 

1 “And who’s to say this isn’t what happens? Who can tell me that my fantasies won’t come true? Just this once ... “ — John JD Dorian

2 “Look NAME, I don’t know if it’s possible for me to put how I feel about you into words, but I guess I’ll give it a shot. I never really believed I’d find somebody that I love as much as you. I love you more than anything in the whole world. NAME, I love you more than FRIEND.” “Oh my god” “It's kind of hard for me to say, but it's true.” — John JD Dorian and Elliot Reid

3 “I grew up on the street ... No, not the hood. The Sesame Street.” — John JD Dorian

4 “As I looked at all the relationships around me ... Some that had gone on forever ... some that were reigniting ... and some that had just begun ... I realized something: It should have been me.” — John JD Dorian

5 “NAME, you can’t test love. When I met NAME, it seemed he/she was more in love with his/her best friend than with me.” “Honey, they’ve got that almond biscotti FRIEND loves, so I was wondering if I could borrow some money so I can get him/her some.” “No, you got him/her a present yesterday.” — Carla and Turk

6 “You’ve been wrong so many times that I'm not even going to say something is wrong anymore. I'm going to say that it's 'NAME'.

— Perry Cox

7 “I just took a pregnancy test, just tell me when a minute's up.” “I just put some pizza rolls on the microwave oven; the minute that bad boy rings we're good to go.” “Oh, my god, I can't stand it, 30 more seconds.” “OK baby, don't get too excited, they have to cool off for at least a minute.” — Carla and Turk

8 “So, uh, you going to lunch with your brother/sister?” “Yeah, I... well, you know, I would've invited you, but I already made the reservation for two.” “So call and change it to three.” “Ohh, I'm not gonna mess with that hostess. You know, she uses sharp tones.” — Elliot Reid and John JD Dorian

9 “Nothing in this world, that's worth having comes easy.” — Bob Kelso

10 “Yeah, I'm not that great with kids. They've got such tiny hands. It's creepy.” — Elliot Reid

11 “I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it.” — Perry Cox

12 “Oh, my God! I'm gagging and vomiting at the same time. I'm... I'm gavomiting!” — Perry Cox

13 “So he/she has a cute butt. Everyone has a cute butt. I have a cute butt.” “You should bring it in someday.” — John JD Dorian & Carla Espinosa

14 “The problem with people who only want what they can’t have is that once they have what they want, they don’t want it anymore.” — John JD Dorian

15 “I guess when you care about someone, you’ll do whatever you can to make ’em happy.” —John JD Dorian

16 “The truth is, it is all your memories, the joyful ones and the heartbreaking ones that make up who you are as a person” — John JD Dorian

17 “‘Cause even if it breaks your heart to be ‘just friends’, if you really care about someone, you’ll take the hit.“ — John JD Dorian

18 “The easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly.” — John JD Dorian

19 “Sometimes in life when you get what you want, you end up missing what you left behind.” — John JD Dorian

20 “Sex is only good for two things. Making babies and revenge.” — Jordan Sullivan

21 “What's going on?” “I love you too dumpling, but I have to work late. I'll make it up to you this weekend.” “NAME’s on the phone with his/her mom/dad/parent, so we're taking five.” — Jordan Sullivan, Ted Buckland and Perry Cox

22 “By the way, NAME’s here but I'm not going to kiss and tell.” “Oh really? Cause I just got your text that said "bone city".” “Oh really? That came through?” — JD and Elliot

23 “You're gonna love it here, sport.” “Get out while you still can.” “Uh...” “Seriously, get out while you still can.” — Bob Kelso, Ted Buckland, and Keith Dudemeister

24 “Ted, what are you doing?” “I like to do stomach crunches after lunch.” “Ted, lunch was four hours ago.” “Yep, I wasted most of my Tuesday.” “It's Wednesday.” “Aw, man! I missed SHOW!” — John JD Dorian and Ted Buckland

25 “Well, it took a whole tube of gel, but I finally got my hair down.” “No one male or female ever cared, NAME.” — Ted Buckland and Perry Cox

26 “Thirsty, huh?” “Helps the tears taste less bitter.” “Cheers.” — John JD Dorian and Ted Buckland

27 “I have to get ready man. I want my date with NAME to be perfect. What do you think about a romantic horseback ride on the beach?” “Ooh, like you and I did for your birthday.” “Yeah but except this time with two horses.” — John JD Dorian and Turk

28 “I am wearing red. Should I not be wearing red around her?” “She's pregnant, she's not a bull.” — Elliot Reid and Turk

29 “This is why the headache didn't go away, it is actually pronounced 'analgesic', not 'ANALgesic'. The pills go into your mouth.” — Turk

30 [She/he sees NAME holding a beer] “What are you doing? [He/she threatens to open it] “You better not open that.” [He/she opens it] “Okay, you better not drink it.” [He/she takes a sip] “All right, You better not enjoy it.” [He/she expresses enjoyment, person A bitch slaps his/her beer] “Did you just bitch slap my beer?” “Are you calling me a bitch?” “Yes. Yes, I am!” — Carla and Turk

31 “Is there another guy on this planet who is that sensitive?” “Okay, let it out. I've got you. NAME has got you. Hold me tighter, a little too tight...There is a good spot.” — Turk and JD

32 person a “This plan is fool proof.” Person c “That is impossible. You two are involved.” Person c “We will see about that!” [Person a and c crash into each other as they try to walk away] — JD, Perry Cox and Turk

33 person a “I don't think we have anymore wine. NAME, can I have some of yours?” [Person C’s narration: I felt like NAME was starting to blame me for all of this.] [person b Spills his/ her wine in person c’s face) “I spilled mine too, honey. You know what you should do? Ask for some NAME’s.” [Person C Spills his/her wine on his/her crotch] “I spilled mine too.” — Carla, Turk and JD

34 “Wait NAME! I have an idea.” “You have another idea? Well I've got to tell you, I'm done with your ideas and not just for now but forever! Okay, are we clear on that?”  “It's a good one.” “I'm listening.” — JD and Turk

35 “He/she is not allowed to dream about me. It gets too freaky in there.” “Cirque de Soleil freaky. One time, he/she was skinless.” — Carla and Turk

36 “How often do you make love?” “Twice today.” “Actually it was three times. You were asleep for the last one.” “Wow, that really happened? I thought it was weird that you were in one of my sex dreams.” — Marston, Turk and Carla

37 “How was your first stress-free day?” “Horrible. And you?” “Worse. Let's make a baby. If it doesn't work this time I'll kill myself.” “Not helping with the stress.” — Carla and Turk

38 “Dude, there you are. Two things; First, the aliens are here and they're wearing track suits.” “Oh, that's Nana.” — Turk and JD

39 “Are you nude right now?” “Yeah! How'd you know?” “Your voice is always higher when you're nude.” “That's true.” “It's not weird you know that at all.” —JD, Turk and Perry Cox

40 “You know, I actually like NAME. So, don't do that thing you always do.” “If you're referring to the game "Find the Saltine", relax. I don't even play that with NAME anymore.” [Later] “Behind your ear.” [Withdrawing Saltine from behind his ear] “My friend, you have found the Saltine. Uh, but, don't tell NAME we're still playing.”— Elliot Reid, JD and Turk

41 “Dude, he/she keeps a hug schedule with his/her friends!” “Okay, NAME ... looks like someone's getting crossed off their 2 o' clock spot and getting penciled in for never! How does that feel? Does it sting?” Person B Narration: He's hurting! Hug him/her ... hug him/her now! — Turk and JD

42 “Dude, don't sweat it - It says here that the ostrich is generally a docile creature.” “Thank God!” “It also says their kick can kill a man!” — Turk and JD

43 “Just don't repeat the same mistakes you made with me. For instance, don't speed down the road pretending your brakes are out. I don't care if it got you laid once in high school. It is not funny and I still have not forgiven you for killing that pony.” — Elliot Reid

44 “NAME, I don't photograph well. On my driver's license, I look like Gary Busey.” — Elliot Reid

45 “We have a very complicated past.” “Yeah, I hurt him/her, and I'm not proud.” Person B narration: I'm a little proud. — Elliot and JD

46 “NAME and I keep it superficial.” “Love the superficial. Dynamite teeth today!” “Oh thanks buddy!” “Sparkly.” “Yeah!” — Elliot and JD

47 “Will you tell me what NAME’s fantasy was?” “Nope.” “Did it involve chains?” “No.” “Whips?” “Mm-mm.” “Candle wax?” “No.” “Role-playing?” “No.” “Lasers?” “Mm-mm.” “Hamsters?” “Negative.” “Was he/she a Mexican apple thief?” “If only ...” — JD and Elliot

48 “Why don't you just move into my place?” “Oh, great, then we'll be two losers under one roof.” — Elliot and JD

49 “NAME, what you said before ... I knew you were right. Anyway, I'm sorry I got mad. You were wrong about one thing, though - we are moving forward.” “NAME, I'm thirty years old; I'm single, I'm homeless, and I'm pretty sure I just soiled myself.”

— Elliot and JD

50 Person A “Ohhh, my God, you're right.” Person B “Don't let him/her be your puppet-master.” Person C “Hey!” Person B “Hey.” Person C “What's up?” Person B “I have a headache.” Person C “Take some aspirin.” Person B “Don't tell me what to do! You're not the boss of me!” — Carla, Elliot and Jake

51 “I've never connected with a guy/girl like this before. I mean, even though it's only been two weeks, I already feel like I know NAME better than I know myself.” “What does he/she do for a living?” “I should know that.” — Elliot and Carla

52 “Look, the reason I've been acting so weird and having my friends hang around us all the time is because I really think that we have a shot for something great, and I don't wanna go and ruin it by sleeping with you too fast. I mean, what was I supposed to do?” “Well, you...you could have just told me that.” “Yes, but you're forgetting I'm a crazy person!” — Elliot and Jake

53 “I've seen the Wiggles live in concert ... twice.” “Did they perform 'Big Red Car'?” “They opened and closed the show with it. It was awesome.” — Perry Cox and Turk

54 “What's wrong with me?” “You're an annoying, whining man-child.” “That question wasn't directed to you!” “What question?” — JD and Perry Cox

55 “I’m notifying all my old boyfriends/girlfriends today that I'm officially off the market.” “I'm sure the 'pulse' setting on your shower head will be devastated!” — Elliot Reid and Perry Cox

56 “If there is one thing I have learned, it's that you can't schedule love.” “I think your credit card statement would beg to differ.” — Bob Kelso and Perry Cox

57 “Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present, Man/Woman Not Caring.” [points to self] — Perry Cox

58 “If you're worried about people seeing your ass, do what all the other girls do and tie a sweater around your waist.” — Perry Cox

59 “Should I talk slower or get a nurse that speaks fluent moron?” — Perry Cox

60 “Do you actually listen to yourself when you speak, or do you find you drift in and out?” — Perry Cox

61 [thinking] Why don't I ever listen to me? — JD

62 “And you know what else? I quit!” “No you don't!” “Well I'm leaving early today!” “No, you're not! You're coming back to my office to do busy work!” “Fine, but I'm getting a soda first!” “Whatever.” — Ted Buckland and Bob Kelso

63 “Your dog is creepy.” “Aww...be nice to Rowdy. The guy we bought him from used to keep him in a box full of old hats.” — Elliot and JD

64 “I thought we cared about each other ...” “Oh please, if you didn't want to sleep with me, you'd have done the same thing.” “Well, I'll tell you one thing, the last thing in the world I wanna do is sleep wit'cha now!” “Do me right here.” “Okay.” “See!” — JD and Elliot

65 “Huh! I put all those fliers up, and nobody wants me to live with them!” “Oh, come on, NAME. I'm sure you'll eventually find a roommate who's a... clean, non-smoking vegetarian that rinses the shower thoroughly after each usage.” “Oh, well, if you don't, it gets mildewy.” “You know, you should move in with my friend: Anal McLooney.” — Elliot and JD

66 “You know, I've been thinking a lot about us lately.” “Me too.” “God, you drive me crazy.” “Oh, you drive me crazy!” “Sometimes I just lay awake at night, thinking about how unbelievably lucky I am to have you in my life.” “Sometimes you're so controlling it makes me want to strangle you..” — Paul and Elliot

67 “Tonight, I am going to make all of your fantasies come true.” “You know, NAME, I would be happy just to have sex above the covers once.” “Yeah ... never gonna happen.” — Elliot and Paul

68 “You know, it's funny... when I said "I love you," it was an accident - and I never really loved you at all.” “That is an absolute riot.” — Elliot and Paul

69 “Okay, here's what you do: First you say that, even though our relationship is ending, you don't have any regrets.” “Oh, my God! Are you actually telling me how to break up with you?” “You're right. Go ahead.” “If you could just start me off, that'd be super.” — Paul and Elliot

70 Person A “You never explained that U2 thing, did you!” Person B “You know, I've been thinking about it, and maybe it's not such a bad thing that that happened! Right? I mean, things have been going really well between us, and maybe it was fate! I could've been looking at my Bel Biv Devoe CD and said, "I love Bel Biv Devoe" - which I do, by the way. And I'm not ashamed of it.” Person A and B “That girl is poison..." Person A “NAME, look, I just think that if you guys are meant to get to this point, it'll happen... naturally.” Person B “You're right! "I love U2!" Dammit! Why do I always have to say every little thing that comes into my head!? Ugh, I really wish you wouldn't stand so close to me after you take your hummus break. See! I didn't need to say that! I'm gonna tell him.” Person C “Love you!” Person B “Love you more!” Person A “Ugh!” Person B “You know what - brush your teeth, then judge me!” — Carla, Elliot and Paul

[haddonfieldproject]

<<PREVIOUS⏺<<CONTENTS>>

1.2.9 HALLOWEEN NIGHT/NOVEMBER 1st 5:13 AM

Warren County, Illinois

While that call did not succeed in waking up Kyndra and Zoey, the aforementioned Diego was woken up, however, by his co-worker Quinn, as he lay napping on a tattered sofa in the SuperFuel Deluxe's break room.

“Diego!”

Diego grunted.

“Diego, get up,” Quinn slapped him with a blue rag.

Diego sat up and rubbed his eye.

“Customers.” Quinn said.

Diego blinked awake. The TV was on. A man with fake looking blonde hair stood in front of a map coated with splotches of reds, oranges, and yellows.

“ Lightning strikes have been reported just about everywhere as this severe cell moves through Warren and Carpenter counties. Listen up if you are in the areas of Russelville, Haddonfield, Langdon, Tuckerville...you are under a Severe Thunderstorm Warning and Tornado Watch ‪until 7:45 am‬. Check out this picture someone posted on social media, that's softball sized hail folks...this reported by Zeke, a custodian working late ‪night tonight‬ at Smith's Grove High School, so be careful out there folks.”

Thunder struck and the lights in the shop momentarily dimmed. Customers, Diego thought, in this storm?

Diego stood up and stretched and then grabbed his Mountain Dew he had swiped from the coolers a few hours ago. Stepping into the shop, he sure enough saw some guy was talking to Quinn, standing next to an old-ass station wagon. The kind that had the wood panels on the side. The bottom was eaten away with rust. Diego was surprised the thing was even running at all, and one of the first things he noticed were the California plates. The lifeless remains of a tire lay snaked around a severely dented rim on the front passenger side. Must have hit a curb without even braking, he thought.

Quinn pulled a clipboard off the dark blue tool bench next to him and said, “We actually just had one of these die on us last week and it's back there in the yard. We can replace the tire and the rim and fix up those tie rods and struts in a jiff. You got really got lucky, because otherwise you'd be waiting at least two days for parts.”

The man's eyes grew wide, “Are you serious?! That's a miracle if I ever heard one.”

“I'll say,” Diego chimed in, “What year is this?”

“1989 Ford Country Squire” Jack Tate said proudly.

“Wow,” Diego laughed. “Quinn's right, we literally just got one of these in, the drive train fell apart in our hands, literally fell apart. But it was much more beat up than this.”

“You don't say!?” Jack put his hands on his hips.

“I couldn't help but recognize the California plates,” Diego motioned to the back of the car, dropping to one knee to examine the wheel well.

“Yep,” Jack said, rubbing his chin, “We're from a small town in Northern California, between San Jose and Sacramento. It's called Summer Glen.”

“Bet you don't get much snow there,” Diego said from under the car.

“Nope..but I bet you guys do.”

Diego appeared from under the lopsided tire with a smile, “Buckets,” he replied, “And it wreaks havoc on an undercarriage.”

“I bet it does” Jack replied.

Diego stood up and wiped his hands on his coveralls. “Well, not so much the snow,” he said, “it's the salt they salt the roads with. Eats the bottom of the car all up.”

“So what do you do?” Jack asked.

“Heated car wash,” Diego said, reaching out his hand to Quinn for the clipboard.

“I saw signs for those on the way in, all over the place up here,” Jack said, “But I saw signs but then it looked like empty parking lots.”

Quinn smiled and handed Diego the clipboard, “With steam coming up?”

“I didn't see any steam,” Jack replied.

“They're probably turned off right now.” Diego remarked, looking over the paper on the clipboard.

Quinn whistled, “Whew don't I know it. It's been hotter than a hippo with a hernia.”

“Hmmm,” Jack grunted in agreement, “Climate Change.”

Quinn hissed, “Hogwash! I don't believe that bullshit for a second.”

Jack quickly changed the subject, “Anyways—err--how do car washes help your car in the winter?”

Quinn nodded, “You drive over the jets and they hose off your undercarriage with heated water”

“That's fascinating,” Jack smiled.

“Well,” Diego sighed, “We have the parts already so we'll charge you a $90 restocking fee, that's mostly 'cuz Quinn here has to run out in the rain and slip the rim and tie-rods off the old car.”

“Aww man, that's cold,” Quinn exclaimed.

“Good news is,” Diego continued, “You really didn't tear her up all that much besides that, you knocked some things loose but we can tighten her up. The labor will cost you $400 easy,, being on the weekend now, and then $140 for the tire, $126 for the rim, taxes and disposal and you're still under a grand.”

“That's wonderful,” Jack said, placing his hands back on his hips.

“What brings you out here?” Quinn asked, “Especially in this storm.”

“My wife got a job out here, she ‪starts Monday‬ so we wanted to get out here as quick as we could....drove straight through.” Jack remarked.

“Wow,” Quinn breathed.

“I need those parts Quinn,” Diego remarked, opening the top of the tool bench and pulling out a socket wrench.

“Oh right!” Quinn smiled. He walked over to the far wall and grabbed a yellow rain coat which hung on a peg next to a Calendar, still on the month of October. A model in a bikini presided over the tenth month. “What job did your wife get out here?” He called from across the room.

“She's going to be the new Chief of Medicine at the hospital,” Jack replied, his eyes on Diego as Diego crouched back down toward the car.

“Oh she's gonna replace old man Mixter!” Quinn remarked.

Jack shrugged.

“Hurry Quinn, this guy said he's got places to be,” Diego said from under the car.

“Oh right,” Quinn said and stepped through the side door that led into a small foyer and eventually either out to the front parking lot or back into the lot.

“So your wife's a doctor eh,” Diego's voice came from under the car, “so what do you do?”

“Well I'm a doctor too,” Jack replied.

Diego emerged from the car holding a twisted piece of metal, “Really? What kind?”

“Well I'm a psychiatrist,” Jack said.

Diego slid back under the car, “A shrink huh?” He said, “You opening up an office here or something?”

“Well no,” Jack laughed, “I'm actually going to take some time off and write a book.”

Diego re-emerged with more twisted metal, “Cool,” he said, “What about?”

“Hypnosis,” Jack said matter-of-factly.

Diego cocked his head to one side, “Really? You do that shit?”

“Swear by it,” Jack replied.

There was an awkward moment of silence and then they both laughed.

🎃

Meanwhile, Ophelia Tate had purchased a small and incredibly over-priced pack of baby wipes and was giving herself the best attempt at a bath she could muster inside the surprisingly clean restroom of the SuperFuel Deluxe. After she finished, she sat on top of a toilet and took an opportunity to catch up on social media.

While she sat in the stall reading about “11 Celebrities That You Would Never Assume Were Gay”, her son Damon stepped into the Food Mart, and wiped his perfectly white sneakers on the welcome mat. An angry looking Indian man looked up as the door bells jingled and then went back to fiddling with some electronic device behind the counter. Damon's first thought was, Why does he keep all that bullet proof glass open?

He casually turned to his left, starting down an aisle chock full of every imaginable brand of potato chip or chocolate or fruity candy---browsing but not really browsing, more just wasting time. The aisle came to a dead-end at a wall of coolers full of soda and water and fruit juices. Damon stopped and caught himself staring at a row of YooHoos when he heard what sounded like a snickering to his left.

There was a small hallway to the left of the coolers, veering off next to an ATM machine. He stepped in front of the ATM machine and peered down the hallway, at once spotting the cause of the commotion. Three young boys were standing in the corner next to a door marked: UTILITY, NO TRESSPASSING. One was a freckled redheaded kid with shiny braces dressed as batman, another was a blonde haired blue eyed boy dressed like Darth Vader, and the last was a much younger looking kid with brown hair and brown eyes dressed like some kind of zombie. They were huddled together, their masks all hanging limply around their necks, crowded around a magazine featuring a hot blonde titled RED RABBIT. The cover-girl’s name was apparently Misty Dawn, and according to the cover caption, she was “Back and Ready for More Action”.

The boys caught sight of Damon and looked up startled. The freckled redhead kid's smile disappeared and his eyes grew narrow, “Hey!” He called, “What are you looking at?”

Damon was unfazed. “Looks like a couple of pervs to me,” he said, stepping toward them.

This apparently took them aback because they said nothing in retort.

“Seriously,” Damon said, pointing at the cover, “How old are you guys?”

Blonde Vader who held the magazine in his hand pressed it to his chest as if it were the most valuable thing on the earth and looked up at Damon with his mouth open. Little zombie boy took a step back. But BatFreckle was not amused. “Why don't you go Fuck Off!”

Damon frowned, “That's not very nice language. Is everyone in this town pervs like you?”

“Where are you---” little zombie started in but BatFreckle cut him off.

“Don't you know that Warren County is the home of the Rabbit-in-Red? What hole did you crawl out of freak-show?”

“Rabbit-in-what?” Damon asked and with lightning speed, snatched the magazine from Blonde Vader.

“Hey!” The wannabe Sith Lord exclaimed.

“Rabbit-In-Red Productions is the world's third largest manufacturer of pornographic media dipshit, and the company is based here in Warren County.” BatFreckle spat.

“So it is a county full of pervs,” Damon said, opening the magazine and thumbing through the pages.

“My dad said a local bunch of church folks fought Mr. Martini in court over decency laws so much, the legal fees drove the church out of business.” Blonde Vader said.

“Shi-yeah,” BatFreckle said, “That's why old man Taylor's up in his house on the hill crying like a pussy all the time.”

“Mr. Who?” Damon asked, closing the magaize and handing it back to Blonde Vader.

BatFreckle snatched it instead and flipped to the table of contents, pointing to a ‪small black‬ and white picture of a middle-aged overweight man. “Lou Martini. He's the CEO of Rabbit-in-Red nimrod, he owns half the county and is like, the richest man in Illinois outside of Chicago.”

“Where are you from?” Little zombie found his place to ask.

“My parents and I are moving here from California, we just got in tonight, got a flat tire.” Damon replied.

“California! That's cool!” Blonde Vader exclaimed.

BatFreckle rolled his eyes, “Beat it California!” He said, “We were just checking out Spitz' mom in this month's issue.”

He and Blonde Vader started laughing.

“That's not my mom!” Little zombie, who's name was obviously Spitz, whined.

“Don't lie, you know it's her!” BatFreckle teased.

Blonde Vader turned the page, and the centerfold fell out, revealing the cover-girl Misty Dawn laying on a bed of white fur naked except for a silver belly chain and and black stilettos. A paper fell out as well and fluttered almost magestically to the floor. Damon bent down and picked it up. It was a flier that featured another picture of the model. The headline read:

SEE COVER GIRL

MISTY DAWN

TUE-SUN

OCTOBER AND NOVEMBER

AT THE

RABBIT-IN-RED LOUNGE

IN

HADDONFIELD

“Look Spitz” BatFreckle said in jest, “You can see your mom's show tonight if you want.”

“It's not my mom!” Spitz whined again.

“Why don't you leave him alone?” Damon said.

“Why don't you suck my balls?” BatFreckle snapped.

“Chill out Lonnie!” Blonde Vader slapped BatFreckle's shoulder and then looked at Damon “Lonnie can be a douche sometimes, I'm Richie Marshall, this is Lonnie Elamb, and he's Spitz. Welcome to Haddonfield.”

Lonnie groused and leaned back against the wall, opening up the porn.

“Cool, my name is Damon.”

“How old are you?” Richie asked.

“17, you?”

“I just turned 12, Lonnie is 16 but he's still in 8th grade...he has to go to special classes at the Middle School.” Richie and Spitz cackled.

“I have dyslexia fuck face!” Lonnie said, throwing the RED RABBIT at his friend.

“I'm 8,” Spitz said proudly.

“What are you doing out of the house at this time of night?” Damon asked, picking up the magazine from the floor and handing it back to Richie.

“Lonnie has his drivers license now, and I just snuck out of my house.” Richie said.

“What about you?” Damon asked, turning toward Spitz.

“His mom's a whore so she leaves him alone to go out fucking for quarters!” Lonnie called.

“Stop it Lonnie! She is not!” Spitz cried.

Damon ignored him and Spitz continued, “My mom works late nights at Jamie Lee's Diner, she doesn't get home till morning. My grandma watches me but she fell asleep and I...I snuck out too.”

“We just ate there coming in,” Damon said smiling.

“My mom is Taylor,” Spitz said.

“She was our waitress.” Damon replied.

“His mom's a slut!” Lonnie called.

Spitz started to whine but Damon put an arm around him, “Why do you hang out with this asshole? Is there anything else to do in this place than look at naked chicks?”

“There's an arcade in the driver's lounge, but I don't have any quarters.” Spitz said.

“Come on,” Damon said, “Show me where it is.”

Richie tossed Lonnie the magazine to followed Damon and Spitz. Lonnie caught it, rolling his eyes, he was perfectly happy right there looking at boobs.

🎃

Damon stepped into the shop area of the SuperFuel Deluxe and shook off the rain. There he saw his dad sitting on a folding chair listening, as another man held a lamp under their family station wagon from the Jurassic era. A third man was under the car working. The man holding the lamp was droning on and on about baseball. Damon didn't really care for baseball, or any sports for that matter.

“And then the Sox brought in their reliever, that guy Stroop, and he just completely fell apart. He hit two batters and walked another, and before you knew it the bases were loaded.” Quinn was saying.

Damon walked up to his dad. “Is that so---” Jack replied, but was startled when Damon tapped him on the shoulder.

“What is it son? You're not supposed to be back here.” Jack looked up at Damon.

“There's an arcade inside and I was wondering if you had any change on you?” Damon asked.

Jack leaned to one side and pulled his wallet out, withdrawing a 20 dollar bill. “Can they make change?” He asked.

“There's a change machine,” Damon said flatly, taking the money.

“You can play all of that, what the hell, it's been a long few days,” Jack said smiling.

Damon stuffed the twenty in his front pocket and turned, “Thanks,” he said.

“Tell your mom I'm in here,” Jack called after him.

“Haven't seen her,” Damon said as he walked out, without turning.

Quinn started up again, “So you know that big Dominican for the Cubs, Agu...Agu...something.”

“Aguilar,” Diego called from under the car.

“Yeah, Aguilar,” Quinn corrected himself. “Well he steps up to the plate and first pitch...bam!”

NEXT>>