#at least when grandma died I was a traumatized wreck. everyone seems to know how that works

[iwritesexyromance-blog]

Recap-Julia and Dean lose their baby in a tragic accident.  Dean is riddled with guilt, knowing he could have prevented this tragedy.  When Julia and Dean decide not to tell their parents or family about the loss of their baby, Julia has to face the consequences that decision brings!  Enjoy!

The memories of the car accident continued to haunt Julia every time she closed her eyes. She could remember such seemingly insignificant details from the event with perfect clarity. The truck’s emblem and license plate, the change to the other driver’s eyes as he became aware of the impending crash. Julia could still hear her own voice screaming for Dean as the truck suddenly collided with her door.

Julia was released into Dean’s care on Thanksgiving morning and was dreading returning to an apartment full of baby items that had been intended for their daughter. One of the hardest things Julia would have to deal with was the crocheted baby blanket with their daughter’s full name on it.

Neither said much on their way home from the hospital. It had been like that a lot over the past several days. Both of them were continually wrapped up in their own thoughts and were overwhelmed by recent events.

As they walked in the apartment, Julia could tell Dean had been hard at work. Everything was clean and the entire apartment had been picked up. It looked far better than it had the last time she’d been there. The wreck they had left it in prior to heading for home was nowhere to be seen now. As Julia attempted to reacquaint herself to life in the apartment, Dean began cooking something for their Thanksgiving meal.

As Julia walked around the apartment she noticed a distinct absence of baby items. All of Daisy’s stuff was gone! “Where is her stuff?” Julia’s voice was full of hostility.

“Jules, I already returned most of it. I didn’t want you coming home and feeling like you had to take care of all of that. We already have enough to get through these next few days.”

This was true in fact. A small graveside service was planned for the next day where Julia and Dean would lay their baby girl to rest. Julia still had not prepared herself for that, and the absence of all her things only added to her feeling of loss. Right then, it became too real what they had lost.

“You should have asked me. What about the stuff I made? Like her blankets and pictures I painted for her nursery.”

“Jules, I have all that stuff boxed up. I just couldn’t look at it anymore, but you are welcomed to get it out if you need to.” Dean seemed oddly cold and distant to her as he mechanically talked about their daughter’s belongings. Julia knew Dean was bottling up his emotions, which was something she was not used to seeing. This was his loss too after all.

“Dean, I’m sorry. I know you haven’t had a chance to grieve or cry or anything! It is your loss just as much as mine.” She said tenderly. He had been so good to her in the hospital and had barely left her side for more than a few hours at a time. He had been the rock she had needed then. The trouble was that Dean wasn’t allowing himself to grieve as he should. Watching him work to push his emotions down, Julia had waited for him to start screaming or break down into a sobbing mess.

Julia tried to change the subject in order to break some of the tension in the room. “What is that smell? Is that a turkey?

“No turkey this year. It is just a chicken that I put in the crock pot earlier. Listen, I need to go lay down for a while.” Dean’s reply was anything but warm, and the sound of his bedroom door shutting behind him was almost too much for Julia to bear.   She could handle him mad, but shutting down on her like this was too much.

“Dean, please don’t be upset with me!” Julia said as she approached his door. “We will have more children one day. I know that this pain will never be erased, but it is a comfort to know that we can try again in the future.”

Dean cracked his door a bit and looked her in the eye before responding, “Jules, I can’t even think about that right now. Nothing can ever erase this pain.”   He had done nothing except take care of her for the past two days; it was reasonable to ask for time on his own. “You are home safe and that was what I was waiting for. I am sorry if that sounds too selfish, but I need to be alone. I will be up in time to finish dinner.” Julia knew Dean could never imagine going through this loss again.

Julia stood there in that moment and felt completely alone in the world for the first time in her life. She went over to the window where just two days before she had been yelling out to Dean to stop being such a dutiful and expecting father.

The mixed emotions she had felt then over sharing this news with her parents seemed so long ago. Dean and Julia were the happy couple expecting their first child, and she had known everyone would have shared in their excitement, especially their mothers along with Dinah and Stacy. She knew her dad would have come around eventually, even if he put on a tough guy exterior to start. She had spent so much time imagining the joy Madison would feel at being a Grandma. It was the one thing both Madison and Barbara dreamt about from the day they caught Julia and Dean playing wedding chapel in the Holmes’ backyard gazebo.

She went into her room, the room her and Daisy were to share until their wedding day. When Julia saw how neat and tidy the room now was, her whole body started to shake. Everything was gone! One look in her drawers made her heart ache even more. She wanted to find some clean clothes to change into. All she found were her pre-pregnancy clothes and didn’t have the heart to see if they fit. It was just the day of the accident that she complained to Dean, “I can’t wait to get back into my normal clothes.”

At this point, she would give anything to put those ugly maternity clothes on again. She didn’t think her pre-pregnancy clothes would fit anyway. She still looked at least 5 months pregnant. Wanting to go see her parents would have to wait until her body readjusted to no longer carrying a child. How could she justify her weight gain?

She really needed her mom’s love right now, but wasn’t willing to begin the battle for control over her life that her father would try for. Surely, she couldn’t rationalize her weight gain or her long absence from home.

As she thumbed through her drawers for something comfortable, she found the blanket that she had crocheted for Daisy. She had just picked it up the day before the accident from the embroidery shop just around the corner. Looking down at the name:, Daisy Madison, made her cry. The last time she had seen it, it was draped over the bassinet Dean had just brought home from the consignment shop. That was gone, along with all their dreams for Daisy. Julia curled up in her bed with that blanket and held it tightly as she began to weep. Once she began to cry, the tears just kept coming. How could something so important be gone so quickly? How could she miss someone she had never known?

  Julia could hear her phone buzzing. That was one thing she wished Dean had not fixed for her. It was exhausting fielding calls the past few days. Her sister called her every hour trying to find out what was going on. Stacy was mad at her she knew, which almost never happened. Her last message said that their mother was so upset over the way Julia had treated her that she had canceled the family dinner today. Julia knew it was time to call her sister. At least if she called her, she could ask to talk to her mom with out having to call the house and run the risk of getting her dad on the line. Dean was dodging calls from his family as well. Julia’s dad had been giving Dean’s father an earful about all the events and how Dean banished them from coming to Greenville to check on their baby girl. She could just imagine what her dad was saying to Len to make him feel the need to continually call Dean. Len was a very laid back guy in every aspect of his life. He was a hands on dad, but he also didn’t push his son when he made up his mind about something, unlike Ken Hudson. Ken was a very supportive father, but he was the father version of a helicopter mom.

The phone rang one time on Stacy’s cell phone. “Julia?””

“Yes, Stacy, it is me. What’s going on? You have been blowing up my phone all day. I am trying to rest.” Of course she knew that was not the whole story, but it sounded better than, “I am avoiding your calls because I don’t want to tell you about my secret baby that just died.”

Not seeming to care about Julia’s physical state or her need for rest, Stacy started in, “Mom’s a wreck and what was the big deal about them coming up? So what, you and Dean are living together. You know Dad would get over it as long as you were honest with him. Mom hasn’t left her room or stopped crying since you talked to her the other day. What is going on with you?” Stacy had never treated her younger sister like this or taken this sort of tone with her. Julia could not take it, not one more second.

“Listen, Stacy, I’m sorry that everyone is mad at me. It was a bad accident and I am fine, but I didn’t want anyone to see me like that. I know I told Mom it wasn’t that bad, but it was a traumatic moment for us. I don’t want Mom and Dad smothering me right now. If they can’t respect my wishes, there is something wrong on their end, not mine.”

“But that is our family, and how we have been and how we always will be.”

Julia thought about what Stacy just said. While what she said was true, it was what she didn’t say that really encompassed how her family behaved: controlling, dominating, overbearing. Julia continued, “I am not going to be forced to justify my wishes, not one more second. Know that I love you, but I am getting off the phone now.” And she quickly hung up the phone.

Julia hated lying to anyone, especially herself. The truth was that she wanted her parents, her overly controlling and stifling parents, to be here right now to help her through all of this. That was simply not in the cards for Julia though since she didn’t’ want anyone telling her how to grieve. Tomorrow was going to hard enough without others telling her how to feel and how to behave.

  ***(This will be posted on my blog for three days-to receive the full manuscript up to day, please subscribe to my blog)  Email me to receive all past chapters!

The Last Breath-Chapter 5 Recap-Julia and Dean lose their baby in a tragic accident.  Dean is riddled with guilt, knowing he could have prevented this tragedy.