#at least i'll get paid loads at the end of this month lol

[pinktinselmonstrosity]

was meant to be working 10-2 today and tomorrow and then have three days off but alas i am now working 10-4 today and tomorrow and 9-5:30 on thursday 🙃

[jimmycartersufo]

this is me having the Tuesday foh museum employee version of Sunday scaries. I love using tumblr as a sort of diary right now especially when writing my hand causes pain!

the last two weeks of work have been especially rough and this week I have some tough stuff to get through that I'm nervous about but it'll be OK. I just struggled with the unknown. time always moves too quickly this time of year and I'm desperate to hold on to my days off because I am so burnt out. the problem is when you're in between those biweekly checks and you're broke as hell but also it's been pouring down rain. I can't help but feel bad and guilty when I do nothing. I didn't do just nothing, I took care of my mom today and I've rested a lot but it still feels weird and bad.

I'm almost back to being in the green for my sick time. I used up all my sick time and my boss had payroll give me negative sick time which was a life saver. I miss my boss so much. everything has gone to shit without her. but she deserves so much better. clearly. anyway, in a couple weeks I'll start to see actual sick time build up again. and on July 1 I'll get more pto 🤡 but thankfully at least Juneteenth falls on a Wednesday so we will have a three day weekend. The museum won't pay it's workers more or respect their security dept (which is historically and systematically Black) but they will do land acknowledgements if they happen to put up a work by a Native person (aka no permanent land acknowledgement lol) and they'll give us Juneteenth off with pay. oh and back of house gets more pto than foh but I'm not here to list alllllll of my complaints rn. but we as a team are counting down the days so we can have a three day weekend. like yeah holiday pay on a day we already have off (every gov holiday that falls on a Monday) but would rather have a floating holiday for more pto. abyway I should hopefully have some sick time built up in a couple months to take a day off for rest.

falling behind on chores again. desp need to spring clean dust because ofc I have to be a maximalist autistic. still need to wash my beach combing finds from a few weeks ago. still need to hang stuff up. the most I can do is pick up a little. do a load of laundry but share the labor with my husband because we don't have the capacity for either or alone. do dishes maybe. make breakfast, lunch, and John makes dinner. take care of mom which is hard sometimes but more than anythjng it has to be done and I can trick my brain into not being an asshole about it. make the bed but in a more "lazy" way. take care of myself and stick to my barely there routine. medicine with alarms, brush teeth, set out the clothes I want to wear at least a day ahead but two days if possible. shower when it's been too long. lotion on my face and my arms and my legs if I can tolerate it. drink water. try and keep my salt levels up. stretches even if it's in bed. my daily puzzles. learn something new (read an article and or a wiki page).

at least tomorrow we get paid. I have to save money for when we go to an Orioles game soon. need to figure out when and how and where we are viewing the eclipse. grocery shopping. taking care of mom if dad is working late/in traffic. look over what bills are do this check. thankfully we get paid I think three times this month? JK it's may we get three paychecks but thankfully I get paid the week of my mom's birthday!!!!!!

I work on late shift this month. bad because no extra money but good because I am so fucking exhausted. I'm basically a sorta manager without all the manager roles and Def not the pay. but that's basically what I am now. thinking about it makes me sick. I goofed up somewhere to end up here with this responsibility. but also it was happenstance. I understand that. and that I have been masking so well for so long.

it's autism awareness day. I am autistic. I am finally feeling right with that. it's been over a year now, and I've spent that time reflecting on my life and the way I am. I was lucky that my sister has been in programs and I basically knew a guy that knew a guy that knew a guy. but I don't have like, a therapist or anthring to guide me through the realities of hey you're autistic and this is why you think and do xyz. I wish I listened to autistic friends years ago that said hey you're autistic and I was like no not me, I don't do this thing but the thing is a lot of those things I didn't think I did I literally did not understand the questioning which is funny. I can't really think of a good example but like you read a question like do you struggle to make eye contact and irs like yes but only in certain circumstances like when I don't know someone but you don't have the way to answer with nuances so you just say no. not the best example but it's like that. what's so interesting about being diagnosed late is you start to kind a breakdown the safety nets of masking and then it seems like you're faking because you're doing all this stuff not in private anymore, like you're regressing or something and it's like no I was just playing a role.

today for dinner I had chicken nuggets and heinz pickle ketchup and we watched a video about being in wdw on 9/11 and I was like oh

rigut now I'm trying to follow my night routine but I'm so anxious to sleep. I did sleep in really late today after sleeping poorly and then getting up to take care of mom in the morning. I woke up just before noon after going back to bed about nine???? so I'm not very tired. I'm going to go figure out my lunch for tomorrow so I don't worry about it in the am and then I'm going to check the laundry and if it's dry enough get my favorite pair of undies (tomboyx boy shorts) and my favorite pants (green!!) and find a top and then make the bed comfy and then I'm gonna use my new neck massager even though I've probably used it too much today and I hope to find a nice wiki article to read :)))))))

[transparentheartz]

day 12, time is flying by! i'm in work tomorrow for the first time in a while so that'll be fun! hope you've had a good week!

hopefully! i already have tickets for louis, yungblud and 5sos so i'm happy out, as long as covid behaves.

you should be so proud of yourself for getting the job then! especially since it was so far out of your comfort zone. that's good that school at least became more bearable, i think it is something we have to grin and bear unfortunately :((

math was horribly bad, i can't imagine not feeling comfortable enough to ask for help, if i wasn't asking the teacher i was making my friend go over the problem with me.

its so hard to keep friends as well as make them, i always find i'm the one holding on when they've clearly moved on... i'm trying to go day to day enjoying interactions instead of building a friendship which might be a bit sad but expectations are such a let down. you still made three friends through college even if you don't talk anymore, that's not easy to do! I'm 12 weeks in and only now making friends.

tomlinshaw is filled with angst so i love it but i never paid nick any attention in real life either. that fic sounds cool! i've never read one with alternative endings.

yeah the permanacy of tattoos is a bit frightening, i have a small one on my hip, which i do love but i wish the placemnet was slightly different so i can see how you could regret them.

do!! i'd love to hear about your sisters!! there's not much of an age gap at all!

i adore it too, even though i never finished the last season, the first few are the best, especially 3b. i'm gonna have to say Stalia... i just really really loved the development of their relationship, it was so good.

i need to listen to more bea miller, i'll add her to my monthly playlist this month!! i'm currently obsessed with renforshort whose touring with yungblud, her music and lyrics are incredible.

ahahah that was my primary school with the tin whistle, it was so messy.

i'm sorry you're anxiety was that bad :(( you have a job now though!! which is great! if you get your degree that's great but only if you can do it without too much strain on yourself mentally

i wouldn't say it has, i don't really do failing myself, the only thing i failed was my first driving test and it was so shitty but kinda common so i decided it's okay i guess

i'd love to eventually be an author, that's the plan!! but i think i'll look for a job in publishing just to have stable income and all, but goal is to write!

i love it when you click immediately with a person!! there's nothing better! and also that you managed to stay friends is so lovely, i have loads of friends i wish i could've made more of an effort to stay in touch but life happens. i'd say yous also talk loads online too!

random qs but

do you dream in colour or black and white?

if you could name your aesthetic what would it be?

also fav louis era?

bit weird qs but i wanted it to be a bit of fun i guess??

hope you have a great saturday sorry for the late reply!!

- your ss <33

hii!

hope work is good for you tomorrow. my week was long and i'm very tired but i don't have a day off until tuesday so :/

nope i suffered in silence, i hated asking questions.

it's okay, you have to start somewhere when making friends. i'm starting to make some at work :)

the only fic i can remember having tomlinshaw in it that i read is a fic where louis was addicted to pills and went to rehab and nick was his bf and was absolutely horrible to him and harry was louis' best friend and in love with him.

i haven't heard of renforshort i'll check them out.

i choose stalia too, i just don't like how long it took for stydia to get together, like i know it was realistic but i just didn't care for them. and i love malia and stiles dynamic. i lowkey liked sterek too tho ik it was only a fan ship lol.

that sounds fun, idk if i could be an author. writing fan fics are hard enough. have you written any for larry?

i would say shes the only person i connected immediately with and stayed friends with.

i dream in color but i also hardly ever dream and never remember them when i do.

i have no idea what my aesthetic is lol. laidback and frumpy ig

uhh fav louis era would be fetus or hedgehog or whatever era 2015 was, i'm bad at remembering era for the boys, except harry cause it's obvious

hope you had a good day, its okay about the late reply :)