#at boys if you fucking dare to compare this to your penis I will literally scream

[hello-everyfandom]

"But, you did insult my boyfriend, and that simply won’t slide.”

Warnings: Horrible, horrible language and bad words.

Pairing: Remus Lupin x Reader

Words: 1.2k

Summary: Remus Lupin has a short, fiery girlfriend who isn’t afraid of telling someone off.

(Y’all I’m 4′10 and I literally dream of being Remus Lupin’s short girlfriend)

Remus Lupin wasn’t necessarily quiet nor shy. He spoke out in classes and made snarky comments to the boys. He’s made conversation with at least more than half of his year and made a lasting impression on his teacher’s that would surely give him good marks on his papers. However, compared to you, his lovely girlfriend, he might as well be considered silent. Remus loved the way you resembled a firecracker, loud and ready to explode. It was both endearing and entertaining to see your hot temper and rather an eruptive self as you were also quite short. Compared to your large and lanky boyfriend, he could easily tuck your head under his chin; and you had, sadly, to go on your tippy-toes in order to give him a right kiss. Nevertheless, you had quite a fiery personality and had a way of capturing a room with your words. Heaven should bless any daft bloke who dares piss you off, because not only were you extremely skilled in hexes and jinxes, you were also skilled in the most dangerous of all: words. Remus feels an immense amount of pride swelling in his chest, pounding against his ribs when he sees you standing up for what’s right. Earlier this year, you stood your ground against Nathanial Vincents, a Slytherin in the year above you, who was unrightfully picking on a Hufflepuff. He remembered hearing a commotion come from the Grand Courtyard and Sirius turning from the crowd giving him a holler,

“Mate, get over here. Your girlfriend is about to murder Vincent!”

Remus pushed forward, saying a polite excuse me before standing between his group of mates and staring at the scene in front of him. He gaped as he saw you, hair pulled up into a ponytail with strands flailing about, wand out, and an infuriated look on your face.

James slapped Remus’ shoulder with amusement, “This Lil one’s a firecracker, huh?” 

Remus barely heard him as he watched you yell, “You slimy, absolute arsed-faced, foul botched piece of sperm. If I hear you ever even utter that word again, I will rip off your balls and shove them down your bloody throat!” Remus could tell you were absolutely enraged as he watched your fist clench and unclench rapidly.

“You’re nothing but a blood traitor. You think you’re so brave for standing up for this disgusting mudblood.” Vincent pointed at the first-year Hufflepuff who was fighting back tears. The crowd gasped, and a few people in the crowd even yelled at him. Remus watched your eyes narrow and your cheeks become red with fury, 

“How dare you!” you raised your wand, and before you could utter a devastating jinx, Remus rushed from the crowd and grabbed your arm.

“I know you’re upset,” he whispered in your ear softly, “but don’t give him your time of day. He’s nothing but a prat anyways.” 

You huffed and sank closer to Remus, keeping an eye on Vincent who seemed to have fright glimmer in his eyes. You glanced at the small Hufflepuff near you who stumbled a small ‘thank you’ before disappearing into the crowd. Sirius, Peter, and James all joined you with praise and a pat on the back.  

“I thought the poor man was going to piss himself, then I would’ve likely pissed myself from laughing so hard.” Sirius wrapped an arm around James who said,

“Look at our little Firecracker! Remus, you’ve got a handful here.”

Remus blushed and scratched the back of his neck. He grabbed your hand and began to lead you away from the Courtyard when Vincent yelled with shaky newfound bravery formed from embarrassment,

“Go on then, maybe after you’ve given your bitch of a boyfriend a shag, you can give the rest of us a turn. We all know you’re nothing but a blood traitor slag,”

All four marauders turned around immediately, gripping these wands. Remus gritted his teeth whilst the boys cursed twisted words at Vincent’s face. You were still facing the wall, letting out a bored sigh.

“Normally, I’d hex you into oblivion. However, I have come to the realization that you, Vincent, have a small penis.” Gasps and giggles spread across the crowd as Vincent’s cheeks burned with embarrassment, “How do I know that, you ask? Not because I’m a slag, no, but because why else would someone go through all the effort into being such a shitty person? Truthfully, you can insult me, I can’t be arsed to give a second thought about you. But, you did insult my boyfriend, and” you tutted your tongue, “that simply won’t slide.”

Before anyone could really comprehend anything that happened and before Vincent could even pick up his limp little wand to defend himself, you had whipped around at such a speed, your hair nearly came loose from your ponytail. You snapped your wand at him and with extreme gusto, you shouted,

“Furnunculus!”

The boys and your amazed boyfriend watched Nathanial fly backward into some shrubs and land with a thud. His Slytherin friends rushed over to help him up and slightly dispersed enough so the crowd could see the horror you had placed upon him. On top of his greasy, disgusting face laid a thousand boils filled with yellow puss. A smell emanated from his pimples and covered not only the entirety of his head, but also his neck as well. Nathaniel let out a shriek of curses before storming away.

“Moony,” Peter said slowly, “I think you may have to marry this woman.”

Remus swallowed and agreed, “Wormtail, I couldn’t agree more.”

Sirius and James were too busy rolling around on the grass, holding their stomachs to say anything. Wheezing and huffing, Sirius tried to stand up only to fall on his arse.

“Anyways, boys, shall we head to Dinner?” you put your wand back in your robe and asked innocently, “Oh, sweetheart,” you said, reaching up to wipe Remus’ lips, “You have a little chocolate on your face,” 

Remus blushed and reached to hold your hand, he bent his knees and lowered his head to press a kiss on your awaiting lips, “You’re amazing,” he breathed.

“More than amazing!” James finally stood, desperately catching his breath, “This woman is godly.”

When classes started on Monday, you had forgotten all about your moment as a hex Goddess and walked the hallways with Remus. Hand in hand, you pointed at numerous things and made some particularly crude jokes that while Remus laughed at, found to be too inappropriate to be told anywhere else but Remus’ bed. 

“Oh bloody, fucking, shit balls. I forgot my extra parchment. Buggering asscheeks and tossing bird shite, I think I may have to go back to the dorm to grab some.” You said quite loudly. Remus had gotten used to apologizing for you to the people around you, he sent a friendly nod to the fellow students who turned to see who was cursing like a sailor and a small apology to the Professors who so unfortunately overheard you. 

“Sorry,” he mouthed at a second-year Ravenclaw who stared with shocked wide eyes.

“Love, calm down, yeah? Here,” He reached into his bag to pull out a few slips of parchment, “not a problem.” He slipped it into your bag making you smile happily.

“Remus, I swear if you asked me to chop off my tits, I’d do it. That’s how much I love you,”

Your boyfriend hummed, again used to your silly language, and said “I love you too, Darling.” pressed a small kiss to your cheek and continued to walk down the corridors to class.