#ask me any questions and i'll probs give u a more coherent answer about a lot of this

[petuniatom]

I read one of your tags and YES GIRL RANT TO ME ABOUT TOM THOUGHTS THROUGHTOUT THIS SERIES I LOVE WHEN YOU WRITE FUCKING ESSAYS-

omg i gotchu but buckle up sis bc… i just wrote 1.2K about this and i’m also admittedly a lil bit tipsy so this might not make sense 

Tom is one of my favoritecharacters to explore, mostly because I love trying to poke around of what’s goingon in his head forever. 

I think at the beginningof the fic, Tom is a character who is still trying to get his life together. Hereally didn’t have the best first relationship, and it was with his longtimebest friend. And I think going into it, we have a Tom who doesn’t know how todiscern what real love is. He bases his whole legitimate romantic experiencesbased off of Cara, so I think that tends to slow things down between the two ofyou later when he’s trying to pick a part his own feelings.

I think Tom has justbecome so used to people kind of casting him aside, since Cara did it andHarrison did it for a little bit too. And as much as he likes his cast mateswho have become his friends, like Zendaya or Jacob, he knows in the back of hishead that he’s not really their closest friend by any means. 

I think with you inparticular, Tom knows that he’s closest with you compared to everyone else inthe friend group. I mean, you always invite him out to go do things and youearnestly confide each other. He just really appreciates you and considers yousomeone that he genuinely trusts.

Tom really has thisproblem though in that he thinks he owes so much to other people all the time. Yousee this for starters in that he believes he owes to his family an act to showhe’s getting serious about things, and that in part means pursuing an actual seriousrelationship. So, when his mom asks about whether he’s finding someone, hisinstinct is to say that he’s done it and the first name that pops into his mouthis you, since you’re the one who often spends so much time with him and he’sinherently closest with.

I think too that when yougo along with this whole thing Tom is really touched since he’s well-aware ofwhat situation he put you in, but ultimately, I think he’s just so glad that you’rehelping him out in this way. I think the reader had grounds to be more upsetwith him about this, but she chooses not to. 

As a bit of a sidebar, Ithink Tom throughout this story — even though we never really touch on this— has this question that he consistently to himself where he doesn’treally know if people like the idea of him as much as they enjoy the real him.I think that’s just part of being a celebrity that kind of makes him a littlebit insecure about that, so that plays a role in it too on why he’s so gratefulbecause you actually know him.

And then he’s just happywith you two pulling this off after that first friend dinner, and then laterthe family dinner too. So he wants to be on an equilibrium with you a littlebit more, so he gets you gifts and tries to be as accommodating as possible. Ithink that’s also though because he does care about you a lot at the root ofit. It’s also ironic because one of the things that we talk about with Harrisonat the beginning is how he doesn’t really show outward signs of affectionreally; he tends to communicate them in subtle ways. And Tom is continuallydoing that throughout this story, and he doesn’t even realize it.

So then we get into theactual trip in itself. Tom is just overjoyed because you get along with hisfamily, he really is having fun with you, and he starts to feel like he’sexisting in this tiny bubble with you. Sometimes, he has to remind himself thatyou’re interested in Harrison, and you’ve spent so many months confiding in himabout Harrison. But really you don’t have any fans around you, just his family,and he kind of forgets about halfway through the trip that it “isn’t real” atone point. (The underlying tea is that his feelings for you are actually real,but because he has that false understanding of love following Cara he doesn’t pickit out at first.) 

When you mention yourdream in part two, I think that’s when he fully goes into this mental space ofjust letting himself exist in this bubble you two created on the trip where theoutside world isn’t intervening so much. And so he just is like, “Damn, I kindof want to do this,” and he just lets himself kiss you and be with you thatnight. When you ask him though if its official, that’s when he has thatawakening of like, “Oh God, no she actually likes Harrison, and this isn’t mygirlfriend. This is my best friend.” It’s ironic here too because Tom has thisfalse idea that the reality is that you’re supposed to date Harrison here, buthe doesn’t really pick apart his own feelings. And what’s real is truly whatexists between the two of you. That’s the most genuine element about this wholestory. 

So, he turns you downbecause he really thinks that this whole thing happened because you two justgot so drawn into the game.

But then in part three westart to deconstruct a little bit this false sense of reality the charactershave. In the literal sense, you know it ends with the reader learning aboutwhat happened between Cara, Haz and Tom. But in the more metaphorical sense ofit, it’s all about people realizing their feelings. Tom is the one in this partthat knows he likes the reader. I mentioned this in another ask, but you see itlapse on his face after you wake him up from his nap in this part.

He groanedfor a second, then his eyes started fluttering open, immediately looking atyou. A soft smile lifted on his lips as he stirred. 

“Hey,” hesaid huskily. He looked so angelic, you couldn’t help grinning back. He tuggedon your arm to bring you down toward him in bed and said, “C’mere love.”

It’s just such a lovelypart for him because as I said before, Tom didn’t know previously how todiscern what real love is. And in that moment he realizes it doesn’t have to beso intense, it can just exist in these small and less obtrusive ways. I don’treally know how to best phrase that, but it’s really significant moment for himin terms of development. And that’s when he really just starts being honestwith himself, and then the reader as well. With the reader earlier in the ficwe saw a false moment of honesty but because Tom was behind too it really didn’ttranspire.

And so then you know theNew Year’s party happens and throughout the night he’s kind of grappling withthe realization. So he’s really happy when you come over to him and you justsay that you need to talk to him, because that kind of gives him the venue to revealhow he feels about you.

But then when you go backto Harrison, he’s like, “Oh yeah, fuck.”

Then he drunkenly tellsyou the tea about Cara and Haz lol

But when part four settlesin, he doesn’t really remember it. And it’s also painful that next day becausehe has to remind himself that the two of you are going through the motions atthe yacht party and in advance of it by pretending to be dating. But god damnit, he realizes he doesn’t want that anymore. He wants it to be real so badly. 

When I think he getsconfronted with the loss of what you two have developed, it really hits himthat he has to say something to you, especially because he was the one thatturned you down. So that’s why he’s so bold about it when he finally gives youthat confession and he’s just purely honest about everything. I think too asmuch as he wants things in between the two of you to happen, he knew more thananything too that he just needed to put himself out there and open up to you.

I think afterwards he wasreeling a little bit, but he kind of tried to take his mind off of himconfessing his feelings to you by hanging out with Jacob. 

But the last thing thatTom really needs is just someone who isn’t going to cast him aside, and hebelieves in himself that he’s going to find that person. And he believes thatyou could be that person.

So when you whisper thosewords to him (”Tom you’re the one”) when you appear outside of Jacob’s loft, it’s one of the bestfeelings in the world.