#ashamed of myself that i never gave it a proper review

[thewhiteroseofvermilion]

Moving Forward

Hello everyone. It’s been a long time since I’ve last spoken to you all, and an even longer time since I’ve last updated this story. Over the months and years, my absence has saddened, frustrated, and even angered many of you. Despite my own valid feelings of how—to put it bluntly—I don’t owe any of you anything as this is something I do for free and in my own free time, I still recognize how it must feel for you all to see something you enjoy so much slowly lose momentum and eventually grind to a halt. Furthermore, my habit of making enthusiastic yet empty statements in between didn’t help either. 

As such, a proper and honest explanation is due, as anything less would be unkind. This will be lengthy, but please bear with me. 

For the past four years, it’s been increasingly difficult to find the time, energy, and motivation for me to properly sit down and write. Seemingly gone are the early days of this story’s life when I was able to publish a new chapter every month or so, or even every two weeks when I was at the top of my game in terms of activeness. Even though I had an immense workload due to being a double major in college, leading me to adopt the best work ethic I’ve ever had, I still led a sheltered lifestyle where I didn’t have to worry about the many looming, inevitable adult responsibilities that were ahead of me.

Those tranquil years of course came to an end when I graduated, and I soon felt immense pressure to shift my attention to finding work, living independently, and working on things that would further my career. While I received support as an aspiring writer from the majority of my family, those being my mother and sister, the both of them commented more frequently as time passed by that my “fanfiction” wasn’t something that I should be spending so much time on anymore. After all, it’s not like I could sell the work as my own, and the fact that despite fanfiction absolutely being a valid artform, it wasn’t something that the world of professional employers cared about. 

Nonetheless, when I did eventually find work as a film freelancer, I still tried to persevere and write on the side. My goal back then was to work in film in order to sustain my pursuit in writing. Film was something I went to school for, greatly enjoyed, and even saw a possible future career for myself in, but it was the writing aspect of it that I was truly after, that being primarily screenwriting. 

After two years of living at home, I felt the need to try and live independently as I outgrew my tiny room and my mom started dating a man that I didn’t particularly like. I knew it wasn’t financially smart of me to do so when my mom allowed me to live with her rent-free. But at the time I thought that it would help me to become more mature and productive, as I would have to force myself to work in order to put a roof over my head and food on the table—as opposed to living a sheltered life at home where everything was taken care of for me. Essentially, I was longing for the lifestyle I had in college, thinking that once I returned to it, I would be able to reacquire that once incredible work ethic I had. 

So, I became roommates with a friend from college and together we rented a townhouse together. Rent wasn’t terribly expensive, but it wasn’t cheap either. Regardless, I was able to make ends meet. My greatest challenge however, was to live up to my family’s spoken and unspoken expectations. On one hand, my mother was sweet and understanding, naturally giving me her full support. My father, on the other, always thought that it’d be better for me to pursue something safer and more lucrative, and to not risk being a starving artist. But the one I had to prove myself the most to was my older sister, who was wildly more successful than I was—financially and professionally. My pay compared to hers was like a drop in a bucket, and I felt both indirect and direct pressure from her to be more “professional” like her. Therefore, I threw myself into my work, which is when things slowly began to go downhill. 

As a film freelancer, my work hours usually averaged between 10-12 hours a day, and with my work taking me all over my home state of Maryland and even into neighboring Washington DC and Virginia, my commute time to and from work ranged anywhere from an additional 1-3 hours. It became incredibly common for me to wake up for work anywhere between 3-6 AM and not get home until 8-10 PM. 

Unbeknownst to me at the time, I slowly slipped into a routine where when I did have the “time” to write, I had zero energy or motivation as my work was so taxing. I reached the point where I had to drink two energy drinks with 300mg of caffeine to get myself to and from work. I saw less and less of my roommate and friends. I spent an alarming amount of money and gained weight from ordering take-out so often because I hadn’t the energy to cook for myself when I got home late from work. There would even be days when I fell into what felt like comas, sleeping up to two days straight at one point. My physical, mental, and emotional health was in serious decline. And yet I didn’t see it that way, as I had become obsessed with trying to prove to my family, my sister in particular, that I wasn’t a failure and that my pursuit of writing wasn’t a hopeless one.

During the first month of COVID-19′s outbreak last year, I finally had a much-needed vacation. This was undoubtedly the best time for me to have returned to writing—but I didn’t. At this point, so much time had passed since my last proper writing session that the few times I did try to write, I found myself completely unable to write anything. I was so out of practice and so out of touch with what I had written. This honestly frightened me, and I soon began to doubt if I could ever be able continue the story with the same quality that so many readers fell in love with. Regrettably, I fled from this revelation long enough for a full month to pass by, and I soon found myself busy with yet another distraction: unemployment. 

I was out of work for about 4.5 months, from the middle of March to the beginning of August. During this time, I had to rely on state unemployment, which earned me great scorn from my older sister. Our relationship had always been uneven since we were kids, but it was becoming increasingly toxic as of late since our college years. I felt so ashamed to tell her how much money I made in a year from my job as a film freelancer, and how I barely managed to move to a better position after four years of work. Riddled with guilt and disappointment in myself, when work became readily available again in August, I frantically threw myself back in harder than ever before. In the past where I had turned down the occasional job to give myself some time to relax or in order to make it to a social outing with friends, I now accepted every job thrown my way, only declining those that would make me double-book myself. I earned a lot of money during those months as a result, and I was so happy to finally distance myself from the stigma of being “unemployed.” However, I once again failed to see that I was yet again sliding back into the lifestyle that had been slowly poisoning me for the past two years. 

After essentially working non-stop from August to March, my body, mind, and soul soon returned right back to the brink of collapse. It wasn’t until then at my lowest point when I finally realized how I initially went from working to sustain myself in order to write, to not writing at all and only working to sustain myself to work even more. It was truly scary to see myself fall victim to a brutal cycle of unfulfilling work that could have trapped me for years to come if I hadn’t broken free first. That’s when I realized that my lifestyle was personally unsustainable, and that something had to change. 

Henceforth, I’ve made the difficult decisions to both transition out of film freelancing and to soon return home to live with my father. At the end of April, the homeowner of the townhouse my roommate and I had been living in for close to three years gave us our 30-days-notice to vacate, as they no longer wished to rent but to sell the property. As my roommate had been planning on finding a place of his own with his girlfriend for quite some time, we split amicably at the end of last month in May and I’ve since moved into a temporary apartment with a friend who has traveled back to Maryland for seasonal work. 

Regarding the change in my career, I’ve been looking into applying for writing positions for something that I’ve grown to enjoy over the past few years, which is to write reviews for media such as film, anime, and videogames. This of course is not what I truly want to do in life, but I think that because it actually involves writing, it would be both good practice in terms of practicing my writing and experience in terms of resume-building. Furthermore, a stable “9-5″ job as such would be good for me, I think, as it would introduce some desperately needed structure back into my life. Being a freelancer was definitely fun as I had the power to choose my own schedule, but it unfortunately fostered a lot of laziness and procrastination when I wasn’t completely burnt out. 

I’ve shared with you all this information, a great deal of it being very personal, in the hopes that it helps you better understand who I am as a person and what I’ve been going through these past four years. 

I understand that my word may be difficult to trust due to my history, but I sincerely wish to let you all know from the bottom of my heart that I do plan on continuing writing The White Rose of Vermilion until it’s completed. My fears and insecurities may have alienated me from that promise, but not once did I ever entertain the idea of fully dropping the story. And I promise you, I never will. It most likely will not further my career in any way, bring any revenue in, and will continue to consume a great deal of my precious free time—yet I still choose to pursue continuing it because I can’t see a future where I don’t finish it.

It is after all my most cherished project; the reason that I was able to truly find my calling as an aspiring writer, its success also ultimately being the proof to my mother that I had some skill as a budding writer, who then gave me her full blessings to pursue it as a career. But most important of all is that it’s the reason why I was able to experience first-hand one of the most important and beautiful discoveries in my entire life. That being the incredible phenomenon of how art is like a beacon—its bright light is powerful enough to reach out and inspire others to create art of their own. From Monty Oum to Nancy Phetchareune to myself, I was blessed enough to see readers create wonderful fanart to show me or tell me in a review that reading my story had inspired them to create something of their own.

I am officially leaving behind my prolonged hiatus and returning to working on The White Rose of Vermilion. While I am extremely hesitant to even estimate when the next chapter will be published, please know that I am genuinely trying to leave behind my habits of old and returning to a more consistent schedule. 

The White Rose of Vermilion will return in:

Arc II, Chapter Twenty-Seven: Stranger in the Night

[angelynrostrand]

Chapter 18

Summary:  To the outside world, nothing should connect shy girl Angel Monroe and popular boy Xavier Hazelwood. But that isn't entirely true. They both hold secrets. Behind both of them lie 2 separate wolf packs. Xavier is well on his way to Alpha status and running the pack. Angel is not a wolf but instead the last healer in the world. When the realization comes forward that they are connected by destiny, will they decide to fulfill it? Is their connection predetermined by fate or will they choose their hearts? Lives and packs cross and mingle while romance and conflict brews. The story of 2 opposite souls on a collision path. Will destiny win out? Even the most innocent face, has the darkest secrets.

Word Count:2,875

http://photonshouse.com/practical-magic-house-photos.html#14

How am I going to do this? I usually heal people. Reviving plants can only happen if they die naturally, not by magical lightning. It is easy to turn plants back to healthy green with a wave of my hand above it. This won’t be easy.

“Trevor…? How am I going to do that?” I ask. All three of us stand together in a circle with Xavier and I waiting for his answer. 

“I am not sure, but that’s why I brought these.” He gestures to the dead flowers.

“Wow, thank you?” I hint at him for more information.

“These can be practice runs...” He notices my worried face and stops his speech. “Angel you can do this. You are the only one who can do this. Xavier and I are here for you. We will support you as long as you do your best.” I am so blessed to have great people around me. To have people in my corner at all times. I appreciate them to be by my side and never leaving me. I don’t deserve these kind-hearted people.

“Ok. I can do it,” I say, more to convince myself rather than to please them. I smile to make them feel confident in me.

For the next couple of hours, all three of us bury our heads in books. Some books are from Trevor about herbal medicine and pieces of information about different types of trees. I brought over my own books. Any information about earth elements and information on healing objects rather people. We stay in the laboratory to review our options. The boys eat their lunch but I can’t eat. Once I get into a project, I tend to be dedicated until I finish it. I’m so stubborn but I get that from being the sibling of an Alpha and the child of the former one.

“I don’t get.” Xavier starts, as we look up to see what he has to say. “Why can’t you just wave your hands together and create a new tree to replace it?”

“It’s not that simple. When I burned it, it put magic in the tree so it must be fixed with magic. But the thing is, we are balancing magic and the natural order. The universe must balance itself out. If I create a new tree than it would be like bringing someone new to the world. Only a tribe of healers can bring a new living creature to life. I can only revive or fix something that was already brought to the world naturally.”

“So you would be breaking rules if you create a new life force. And the only way to fix it is to heal it but you can’t cause you never had to heal a tree that was destroyed by magic in the first place,” Xavier says as he uses the book for references.

“Yes.” I am impressed he is able to keep up with my crazy life. Why doesn’t he see this madness and run away already? “Exactly.”

“So how do we fix it?” 

“Well, thank goodness I am the one who caused because if it was someone else,” like there is anyone else, “I wouldn’t be able to reverse the spell. You can only reverse your own spells and works. But I did it once…” This catches their attention, so I recall my first episode. 

“I remember I did when I was young. I set a tree on fire when I fell. My father cut it out. It was small enough unlike our 100 ft tree we are dealing with. I couldn’t control my power back then. I guess I can’t control them now.”

“Hey, don’t do that,” Xavier says as I downgrade my ability, “you can do this.” I smile at his affirmation. I wish I had the same confidence that Xavier does. He believes in me, but I don’t believe in myself some times. It’s hard when I keep on failing and dragging people into my messes.

“Angel, why don’t you just try to revive these plants? To see what we are looking at and what we are dealing with.”

I nod and move the book out of my way. I place each of the plants in a line in front of me. “I would suggest you guys step back,” I warn them, as both of them step behind me. I look at the book for reassurance I am going to do this right. I scan the book for the proper words. A quick wave of my hands turn the brown plants back to their normal color. That was easy. Too easy. 

“You did it!” Xavier claps his hands together. He sounds impressed and not frightened at all. That’s a good sign he won’t leave me from fear. 

“No, I didn’t. That was too easy.” My eyebrows crunch down to recall what happened. “Trevor, those weren’t destroyed by magic were they?”

“No, but thank you for fixing those. I forgot the water them a couple of days ago,” he says as he puts them back to their proper home. “Thank you.”

My jaw opens as I realize he used me. Rude. “Trevor...really?” Before he takes the last plant off the table, I snap my fingers and the plant catches on fire causing the two men to jump back. I might have done it out of frustration.

“Angel! Put it out! Angel!” Trevor yells at me. He becomes angrier as Xavier laughs at my actions and looks slightly proud of me. 

I spread my fingers out and my palm faces the fire. The fire retreats back to my hand and after the last of it, I snap my finger to seal the fire back in me. “There, it’s gone.” I smile sweetly and laugh at my mischievous actions.

“Oh my god, this is so much better than my house,” Xavier laughs and holds his stomach. 

“What?” I ask Trevor. “Look, the plant has been blessed with my magic and now we can heal it as a practice sample. Rather than a big scary tree, we can focus on a small plant. Sorry for the fire,” I say slightly ashamed and quietly continue my sentence. “Please don’t use me like that. I don’t like to be used like that. If you need help please ask. I more than willing to help.” He looks at me with sorry puppy eyes.  

“I’m sorry. I will never do that ever again. Can you forgive me?” Trevor asks. 

I give him a bright smile to forgive and forget his mistake. “Of course.” I don’t want him to ever feel bad, but it is a lesson he needs to learn. I don’t want to belittle him. I just have one request and it is to be used for others. “Hey, it’s ok. I’m not mad just want to let you know.” My smile gets him to smile. We moved past apologies and continue with our research. I have tried different spells and chants but nothing seems to be working. We approach the subject from different angles, but we are still on the same problem.

Another hour goes by and I am getting exhausted from using my magic. Nothing seems to be working. The boys seem to also notice my depressed state.

“It’s ok. We got this.” Trevor says.

“Why don’t we take a break or try tomorrow?” Xavier says and puts a hand on my shoulder to relax me.

“No, we don’t have time. We need to do it now. We have been putting it off for weeks.” Trevor fights back.

“I don’t care. She is tried and we are exhausting her. She needs a break.” Xavier stands up to face Trevor. Xavier is ready to fight and I see his anger controlling him for a moment.

“I understand, but people will start talking. How are you going to explain the single dead tree with perfectly healthy ones surrounding it? It looks strange and unusual. We are trying to keep this community a secret and as normal as possible.” He faces Xavier with determining eyes.

“Guys, please stop it,” I beg as I run my hands through my hair. 

“Sorry.” They say together and stay quite. We are all a little tired and frustrated. 

“What if we are thinking about this all wrong?” Xavier comments and I look up at him from my seat. “What if we treat it like a normal plant. For a plant to live it needs water, fertilizer, and the sun. Instead of reviving the branches or the leaves, you need to focus on the root of the tree.”

“Not bad. It could work. Angel if you use healing water and cast a spell on the fertilizer but still use natural sunlight, it has the balance of magic and non-magic. He could be right,” Trevor says, but inside he is calculating the possibility in his head.

“Let’s do it. See what happens when you guys don’t fight.” I am willing to give it a try. Anything. I will try anything at this point. I just hope this works cause if it doesn’t I might be ready to call it. Xavier’s theory has an interesting concept that could work. We should have been thinking about it like a normal plant instead of a magical plant.

Trevor grabs a bag of fertilizer from outside and put into a new pot. Xavier gave me a glass of water. Now it’s all up to me to do the rest. I stare at the materials and hope this works. My chest rises up and down. I control my nerves. I take a deep breath in and out to relax. One more to ground me to the earth and focus.

“Whenever you are ready,” Trevor says.

Each chant and verse I speak it has a Spanish lullaby to it. I put one hand surrounding the glass of water and one hand on the pot of fertilizer. Transforming water into healing water is natural for me. I have done it before. It is a collection of spells I have learned from mom’s books. I am just hoping it works for the fertilizer. The yellow bright glow increases from my hands as I get closer to finishing the chant. When it is done, I put the plant in the pot then pour the water. I continue to chant. My heart is beating faster as if I am running a mile. I let my eyes close to concentrate. It’s a factor to focus on rather than focusing on the men in the room. And Xavier’s beautiful face is a distraction. Don’t focus on him. I do worry about his reaction. When I finish, a gust of wind blows my hair up letting me know I am done. I keep my eyes closed, too scared to face my failed attempt. I use the white glass counter to support my body. I am ready to sleep for hours. 

“What happened?” I ask them. Before I could open my eyes, Xavier lifts me from behind and spins me. I screech in surprise and lift my knees to my chest as my feet are off the floor. Trevor laughs and takes a deep breath.

“You did it. You did it!” He puts me down and turns me around to see my work. I look at the table and see a daylily. It went back to its original form. The colors are more vibrant. You could see the orange and yellow flower from far away. The flower has outgrown the pot. It spread throughout the countertop. It reminds me of wildflowers. They are uncontrollable but beautiful.

“I think I overdid it,” I say and bite down on my smile. I did it. I did it and I can do it again. “Let’s do it again.” I rush on adrenaline. “I can do it. Come on.” I grab both Xavier and Trevor by the hand. The two men hold me back. 

“Oh-oh-oh wait. Angel, are you sure your up for it? Xavier is right, we can wait for tomorrow.” Trevor says as he let go of my hand. But still maintaining a concerned face that he gives to each of his patients when they are sick. 

But I am not sick. Yes, I am tired, but if we wait again we might have more hikers questioning their environment. Since when are they on the same side. I never thought I would hear them agree together as a unit. Both of them arguing against me for a while. But my charming smile gets them to quiet and I am victorious. 

“Fine.” Trevor gives in. “Xavier run through the woods and make sure the area is clear. No hikers, humans, or wolves. They can’t see what we are about to do.” Xavier nods and accepts his orders. “We will meet you there with the materials in a couple of minutes.”

“Alright be safe. Especially you.” He points at me. He walks out of the room and transforms into his wolf form. He strips first and without warning, I stumble back and close my eyes. I turn around to give him privacy. My cheeks turn red. I know he does that on purpose now knowing I will have a reaction. A reaction to embrace myself and for him to laugh at me later. He leaves his clothes behind for us to bring back to him when we meet again.

We pack up the materials and I properly fold Xavier’s clothes. It was a small drive and Xavier is already there waiting for us. I smile and bend down at eye level to Xavier. I gently pet the top of his head. He must love it if he leans into it. “Here are your clothes.” I put his clothes behind a tree. I walk away and to still give him his privacy. Without looking, I can hear the cracking and his groan. It is not a painful groan, but it’s more of a stretching your body. The groan I make when I have to get up from the bed. He soon joins us, fully clothed. Xavier helps Trevor unload. I try to help but they won’t let me. They keep saying I need to save my energy. I look up at the dead creature. It looks like a ponderosa pine tree. We must save it. People always hurt and chop them down for woodwork. I put my hand on to feel it’s dead spirit. I am so sorry buddy. I didn’t mean to hurt you. But I am here to help. Everything will be ok. I try to comfort the tree. It might sound crazy talking to a tree, but I just want to make sure it knows we will take care of it. 

“Angel are you ready?” Xavier asks me. I smile in response.

We first spread out the fertilizer around the tree. I kneel down and set my book next to me. Then a healing spell on it. Next up is a couple of gallons of water beside me. I try to relax but these are larger portions compare to the small daylily. It is really draining me. I try not to whimper from exhaustion. By the time I am done with the first step, I let out a loud sigh. The next step is to heal the whole tree. I lay one hand on the ground to feel the root and the other on the trunk. I am almost there. I can feel the heat through my hands. The yellowish glow has its own temperature. Once again the wind blows at me telling me I am done. I open my eyes to see nothing. It didn’t work? Before I can start questioning again, I feel a vibration underneath me. I crawl backward, only to run into Xavier. He helps me back away and to stand up. His protective mode kicks in when he sees my stress and worry level rising. We step away a couple of feet. It doesn’t feel like an earthquake.

The vibration continues and we see a blanket of a new bark cover the tree. Then it spirals around each branch. A cleaner and healthier tree covers the old one. The green leaves and pine appear beautifully. Thank goodness it worked. I smile inside and out. I hug both men to thank them for their help. 

“Thank you, guys. Can we go home?” I ask and they laugh which I hope means a yes. After cleaning up, we walk to Trevor’s car. They were already a couple of steps ahead of me. I wanted to say my final goodbye to the pine tree. When I start walking to the car, my feet feel like they are dragging. The guys are so far away. Which is confusing, because I was sure we parked close to the tree. “Guys wait up. Wait for me.” I mumble. Oh no. Now my body is starting to sway back and forth. My headache increasing. 

“Angel?”

“Hey, Angel are you ok?” Someone says, but all I hear is a buzzing noise. 

I think I overdid it. I stumble and trip over my feet. I fall down to the grass and rocks beneath me. Goodnight.

[iloveyouw]

16 Nov 2022 omg its my brothers bday 9.30am ish

here is my attempt on giving my life review.

1/5 stars. hate the old me actually but here goes. honestly dk if this is what u want, but i think i shall express it in my own thoughts.

when i was with Gary i was young. he was my first love. and it wasnt how i thought it would be. i think he is a great person, but and a subpar boyfriend. thats maybe cos of our age gap. i always felt very small with him and i hate being "shut down", i was young and energetic. i had goals and dreams. i wanted to be an art director. when i was 19, we all had that conv of what do we see ourselves 5 years later. i said i dont know. it feels far away. little did i know the worst years of my life was about to happen. when i was 19 i was already a broken person. what happened to me the first time to an unknown stranger, it felt forced. i wasnt ready 100%. i was pessured because back then the ppl around me were not virgins anymore. it felt like i was in a rush to prove myself. i know. i know. that sounds fucking, incredibly dumb. what can i say? i was young and stupid. i always find the need to lie about my numbers. i told gary he wasnt my first, just because im scared of feeling more than less than if it were the case. i told him he was my third or second. i dont rmb, i rmb lying about it. i was ashamed, he had like 9 or 10. again, incredibly stupid. i could never be myself. as i grew older, i always learn and find myself being ashamed of who i am. who i was. who i would eventually turn out to be. theres just, always a reason to be ashamed of myself.

when i broke up w gary i wasnt in love with him anymore. i did not give him proper closure. he was left in shambles. right away, i went to exploreeee, i am 20 now. i was scared of hooking up. haziq warned me about how the first times would be like. its a thin fine line to thread. i threaded it and narrowly escaped. matt. the first hook up. i took it pretty well. it was awkward as hell. like fucking awkward. uncomfortable awkward. but i wanted it. i wanted to try. i knew i had support. i always make sure i am cushioned if i fall. horrible thing to say yeah; well matt used me. i didnt know that until 6 months later he snapchatted me and ask if i were around. he didnt even remember i dont live there. i met 7 australians in the span of 2 weeks. well sorta. i rmb being ghosted by 1 and i left 1 half way. i rmb i told him (i need to pass my roommate the keys to the apartment, its v last min srysry) and i up and leave, we were at a bar LOL. i was scared. so minus that 2 i met matt, jerry, guy 1 (where we just made out), guy 2 (where i just gave him a bj lol horrible too), alex (the one that begged me to go over). matt wasnt an issue, i forgot how he looked like, but i rmb his dog. and i rmb it being extremely awkward. but i told haziq i think i got attached. but i was not la. i was confused at that time. but it deep down i know it wasnt anything. horrible guy for expecting me to go back 6mths ltr.

jerry. he was a great person. he didnt use me. jerry wanted to hang out with me and get to know me, like actually. within a week, we met like 3 or 4 times? it was different yknow, he treated my like a local and respected me! he brought me to get groceries beers, hummus, snacks and we sat at a park. it was a beautiful day and view. weather was great. we talked. thats the first time. then the next one he brought me to a rooftop bar!! v cool place along the melb street. i miss that place. not the disgusting men. but i fell in love with melb!! then after he brought me over. but we didnt hook up yet. we sat at the porch and listened to our fav music. i shared turnover with him and he shares his with me. i dont remember though. after awhile it go warm we head in, ordered pizza and watched black mirror. he was the one that got me hooked to the show!! he bought everything including ubers and shit. we smoked a joint and it was very common there. everyond had weed in their pockets. like 9 out of 10 people have. then i got comfortable with him and thats when we hooked up! i stayed the night i think. then next morning he sent me back. i think he was in the midst of moving, so the next time we met was his new place? really cant remember. but we hooked up again and he was the first guy that bother to pleasure me. come to think of it. gary like nv go down on me before. not any that i can rmb of anyways. back to it, i didnt know how to cum lol so i pretended it was nice but really i dont know how to feel. and then i cant rmb but i think he send me to school that morning and when he dropped me was like alot of traffic and i almost got banged haha and he texted like be careful u almost got smooshed. so thats nice. thats all ah. to me jerry was a nice cute little relationship that we both got like a lil attached but knew it couldnt be anything. and nothing better than both parties feeling mutual yet agreeable. so i liked that! plus he was essentially doing my dream job, abit different but still hes creative! (back when i had dreams)

and then comes the shitty people that i always try to forget, like the one that ghosted me -.- and the one that i knew i wasnt gna get anything out of it but felt obliged to meet since we agreed. then i sucked him off which honestly, did i want it? back then maybe. but it felt more like, compliance. which i know, again, horrible. then the skinny one, at least he have the decency to buy me a drink... but thats the least he could do honestly. not worth, 0 worth. but i tried saying no. and i wasnt firm enough. so that happened. i will give him credit for sending me back the next day. although it made me feel like shit so he ought to. honestly he ought to do more but ugh whatever.

dumb dumb dumb and dumbest thing about to happen u ready? i came back and that was when i knew kegan. so i give u an example. it wasnt the exact dates ah, but its how rmbed it to be. nov i knew qai, dec i knew kegan, jan i got tgt with kegan. so qai was there all along. he liked me, i just didnt like him like that. we kissed cos i didnt know what to do. I KNOW HORRIBLE TOO LOL but he wanted more and i pushed him and said no. i knew i didnt want to have anything like that with him. i guess i dont know how to say no. its true. then kegan lai liao lor. first time we met i think we talked first. yknow, hes an asshole. he had to cheek to tell me (when we were alrd tgt) that the first time we met he purposely suggested somewhere near my place so i would say yes) i got baited wtf. i have something thats unrelated that i can tell u about kegan, if u wna know i tell u but im not gna write here, but just for my reference it is about matthew.

first time we met, i just came back from australia. im "new" and "changed", yknow, not timid jo anymore. proud of what i did. c00l. so i acted like im not afraid of meeting new people and hooking up. "its normal what" mentality. so first time meeting kegan, i told him "u want or not" HAHA and then he said i was bold and he liked me. and i tell u kegan is the biggest loser of all time. i fucking hate him. hes the biggest shapeshifter, he is NOT who i thought he was and he was amazing at doing that. again, maybe the meth. omg do i have a special spot for him in my heart cos i turned out to be him... living a fake identity and trying to run away but get pulled back by meth.... ok i stop here for now. i go think about that first then cont LOL its been an hour ish alrd. i dont know if this is what u want. i will just post it it can serve as a reminder for me to... although im afraid of whats to come... hais. ok nnww

side note, in melb i walked alot. i walked everywhere. i rmb walking for like 3-4 bus stops and go shopping alone, i just opened my google maps and see a mall, i maps my way there, then this old lady asked me for directions, which was very cute!! i acted like im a local haha and used the map to show her where she was going, then she gave me coins LOL and forgot what she said, but smth like get ice cream or smth. so thats very cute.

[underthebluerain]

Watched Thor: Ragnarok yesterday. Some of it I liked, some of it I loved, most of it was a mess, some of it I hated. The things I loved made me really emotional and saved it from being a wholly bad experience. The things I hated are the reason I am really glad I didn’t spend money on it.

Fair warning, this "review” is as messy and disjointed as the film. Also long.

-The moment the movie started with Thor’s monologue it was clear it was 100% off tone with the Thor universe. Like what.

-The first woman we saw in Thor was Jane Foster doing scientific research. The first women we see in Ragnarok are two unnamed fanservice extras who are presumably skurge’s conquests and are there for the guy to show off to, with barely any lines, no important role and (I think) never seen again. Just a thought.

-I will admit, I did fid some moments funny and genuinely enjoyed them. Others were just ridiculous, a sign they completely ignored the kind of story and especially characters they were showing. And the moments that should’ve been dramatic but that were played in a funny way, even worse. Like Thor and Loki’s reunion. Thor thought he was dead, again. Honestly. Take away all the emotional depth why don’t you. (Yeah I still laughed but it was a Robbed Angst Moment).

-Not to be That Guy but... Loki’s in-universe The Dark World play has Lady Sif and the Warriors Three in a bigger role than they had in it (since they are present at Svartalfheim) and also has Jane in it so 1) it’s keeping both Sif and Jane UNLIKE THIS MOVIE and 2) how shitty is that the in-play acknowledges these characters and the film proper doesn’t. I am so tired of Marvel’s self-referential “haha let’s lampshade the fact that the women are missing but not actually do anything to remedy it!” also unashamedly used in AOU and Antman.

-The bit they showed us about the play I liked in general though, it had plenty of Bro Feels. And Odin!Loki mouthing “I didn’t do it for him” lol but also aww. Also interesting that Sif and the W3 were included (just like in his deleted TDW imagining. He really wants Thor’s friends to like him damn) worried about him and Sif was sent to get help...?? They are not helping me forget about sifki tbh

-Also I shouldn’t be surprised that something serious like Loki’s origins was mentioned only to be funny but like... what?? He seriously decided to let everyone know?? Really?? And is this play seriously how he decided to do it?? When was this?? Was everyone chill with it?? When did he become cool with it?? 

-Was Jotun!Loki called a blue icicle or did I hallucinate that

-Literally the only mention of Jane is of how she dumped Thor and him saying he dumped her instead. Besides Jane being missing, several reasons why this is shitty:��1) again, only one mention of her in the entire film 2) the only mention has her referred to only insofar as her relationship or lack thereof with Thor goes 3) Thor wouldn’t be trying to save face regarding the breakup, he’d just be sad about it 4) it isn’t a good enough reason to have her missing, fuck you.

-Thor to Strange: “Who are you and why should I care” lmao same

-Hela being Odin’s daughter is so out of left field. The backstory regarding her helping Odin win the realm even more so. What?? Just what??

-On the other hand, nice to see the fishiness about Odin and Asgard’s treatment of other realms acknowledged as shitty. But they still had Odin’s only scenes  being good to his sons...?

-I am conflicted about Hela’s design because on the one hand I am gay and find it sexy but on the other I kind of resent they gave her the Black Skintight Catsuit™ of Sexy Female Characters.

-The W3 didn’t deserve those sudden deaths and Thor didn’t deserve to not find out about them.

-I SO loved Thor and Loki’s interactions. I'VE MISSED THEM SO MUCH

-The mural with the family was nice. I didn’t like how frigga was depicted lower than her husband (and this even though she’s taller...) and looking at him/the ground while the men are looking forward, but it does make sense given Asgard’s sexism (as established in other movies, because apparently now they have an all-women army. Ok then why was Sif being the only female warrior a big deal?? Answer: this movie doesn’t give a shit about continuity)

-So... Odin was ashamed of how he got the realm... but he still made a hugeass mural about it??

-I do like hearing Odin get called out. also Odin manipulated history, who else isn’t surprised?

-Again with the humour being used to reference a tragic past event: Loki’s apparently telling the Sakaar gang (whom he barely knows) about how he let go of the Bifrost. As if it’s a funny anecdote. They all laugh. What.

-Just let Hulk stay there and rot Thor

-Hulk is an asshole, I didn’t need more reasons to hate him but they gave them to me

-They didn’t just made an AOU reference they actually had the gall to show me ooc!nat and fucking brutasha AGAIN EW EW EW WHY FUCK aaand I officially hate Taika Waititi. I am SO glad I didn’t go see this movie in a theatre can you imagine giving more money to be traumatised with the same shit again omg

-Lmao they literally threw in a line in just to give Banner more degrees than Jane, Phd’s actually, so his are more important right? The male ego truly is astounding

-I thought we’d see more of Valkyrie’s backstory and her grudge against Hela, but at least we got something. Also her name wasn’t revealed?? Was it in the credits? She is cool though. I liked that her introduction was not at all dignified (falling off the ship bc she’s drunk? lol. Wasn’t expecting it tbh) but she got her dignity back. I’ve seen it mentioned that her story of “badass warrior leaves after traumatic battle and becomes jaded drunk who pretends not to care about anything but eventually finds it in herself to come back and fight for what’s right” is a story usually reserved for men and it’s great that she got it.

-I feel so defeated that Asgard had to be destroyed.

-The rock alien was quite funny.

-Thor has literally lost his home, his girlfriend, his mother, his father, several of his friends (not that anyone told him) and his fucking eye give this boy a fucking break

-Thank god Thor didn’t end up believing Loki was dead again bc I would’ve gone there and killed him myself tbh

-I think one of my main problems with the film is that I actually enjoyed the adventure, some of the humour and few emotional moments, but it ignored and/or glossed over so much that was important that it’s not as gut-wrenching as its predecessors. To sum up: this movie was a good fic, but not a good enough Thor movie, you get me? Especially given how this is probably the very last Thor movie.

-Even without watching the Infinity Wars trailer it’s obvious Loki’s taken the Tesseract you little shit. I hope Thor knows and is like “take it out let’s see what we do with it hmm?”

-Fuck, I really enjoyed Loki and Thor’s relationship in this movie. On the one hand, the movie robbed them of several emotional moments (Thor finding out Loki’s alive, their reunion, a longer confrontation), but on the other the humour gave them several great scenes of sibling banter and backstory that I loved so much (even if some of it didn’t make sense like the snake anecdote: cute, funny but nonsensical). And despite the movie’s light tone not fitting with the other films’, I... feel like it did kinda fit their relationship here? The film made it work. I still wish we’d gotten more emotional scenes and arguing and angst, but I did like to see that it’s been quite some time since their grievances and that has sort of caused them to cool over a bit, so things are calmer, lighter. And that allows Loki to act less like a “I’m gonna betray you” (which is still there, but he doesn’t play it up so much), and above all allows Thor to say, “look, this has been fucked up for a few years, I don’t think trying to stay together will work”. Which I think is both sincere and reverse psychology. Sincere because Thor has been through a lot of pain and he knows Loki has too, so he doesn’t think he can handle having Loki there but not being able to trust him, and if Loki wants out he’s not gonna force him to stay. And reverse psychology because he’s hoping so bad that he’ll want to stay, that he’ll choose to. Freely. And he knows that the only way he will make a free choice is if he thinks Thor has made his and that it’s to stop pursuing him. I AM EMOTIONAL

-AND LOKI DID COME BACK TO HELP AND THOR FUCKING BELIEVED HE WOULD OKAY

- “IF YOU WERE REALLY HERE I MIGHT HUG YOU” “I’M HERE” GFHXKCJDLKLXKS

-WHAT THE FUCK WHERE IS MY HUG

-AND THEY DID END THE MOVIE TOGETHER SIDE BY SIDE WITH THOR AS KING AND LOKI AS ADVISOR AND GOING TO EARTH AND FACING WHATEVER DANGER IS COMING TOGETHER AND I AM VERY EMOTIONAL OKAY

[ginkgoginkgoginkgo-blog]

Literacy Narrative Second Draft

Estella Ma UWP 001 Literacy Narrative Second draft Apr. 22nd, 2018

Cover Memo

In this draft, I changed the organization of my essay.  As my peers suggested during the review, I added the process of the argument between my mom and I and many descriptions.  Also, I deleted the part that I turned to my teacher for help and what my mom thought as advantages of reading poetries and biographies because they are unnecessary and a little digress.  In this draft, I believe my strength is in my detail description of the event and my feelings, and the shortcoming that needs more effort and suggestion is the organization of the dialogue and what happened after since I do not remember much detail of them.  Also, there may be many grammar and word choice mistakes that I need help with.

My mom loves me. However, like many other Chinese parents, she believes that it is her responsibility to ensure my success and happiness, and I, as her child, must listen to and follow her commands.  

When I entered elementary school at the age of 6, she bought me a huge box of books which she thought as “proper” for me to read during elementary school.  I was extremely excited to receive such a big box of gifts.  I opened it at once -- a couple of biographies of some celebrity I did not know about, some history books, classical Chinese poetries and analysis, and more biographies.  My smile gradually faded away as I found out that all of them were too abstract for me and I could not recognize many of the characters.   I looked at my mom confusedly.  “They may be a little too hard for you for now,” she said, with a smile as if she had seen me receiving good marks and ranking top at school, “but if you push yourself a little harder, you would learn not only more characters but also useful knowledge.”  

My nightmare began since then.   Every day, I read 10 pages of a book, marking and rewriting all the new characters ten times on paper, and completing a quiz given by my mom in the evening.  I hated reading.  I hated it more day by day, but I did not dare to say no to my mom because, in my mind, her authority was unquestionable.  Every time I tried to argue with her or refused to follow her commands, she got angry, and I received severe punishments.  

I thought I would do as she required forever, but an event happened one year later changed me.  One day, I found my best friend Ricky bringing a book and reading it secretly.  Unlike my books, that one had a fancy cover, and Ricky looks enjoying it a lot.  I stared at it for a while and decided no more torture for myself.  I had not finished my 20-page task as a second-grader yet.  However, Ricky noticed my glance and put it on my desk. “Give it back tomorrow,” she said.  

Harry Potter and Philosopher's Stone.

I had never read a book like this, interesting, adventurous, and astonishing.  Wherever Harry goes, I am there, seeing what he sees, feeling what he feels, and struggling with his struggles.  When Harry sneaks out of dorm room, crosses through the castle, and stands in front of the Mirror of Erised to look at his birth parents, my heart was softened and soaked in pain. When Ron scarifies himself by being knocked unconscious by the giant “Queen” on the huge enchanted chessboard so Harry and Hermione can move on, I was deeply touched by this Wesley boy’s bravery and burst into tears. Although there were still new Chinese characters showing up, I did not bother to stop to mark them and look them up.  Instead, I hardly noticed them.  I spent my whole afternoon reading the book and finished it before my mom came home.  Ten minutes after finishing the last line, I was still sitting on my chair in a daze. I sighed.  In the last few hours, I have read hundreds of pages, which equivalents to the reading task for two or three weeks, and I enjoyed it, with my whole heart.  Reading doesn’t have to be a torture. 

I knew my mom does not like fiction novels.  She is afraid that they would fill my brain with strange and unrealistic thoughts; even worse, they cannot provide me with the knowledge that teaches me how to view the world properly and successfully.  Therefore, she made me read 300 Tang Poems, the biography of Charles Darwin, and a great variety of history books, which she believed would facilitate my internal development.  And I knew she hates me questioning her.  However, it was impossible to abandon and forget the fascinating world I just encountered, I wanted to, and I had to talk to her. 

So, I cleaned the dining room and kitchen and begged for my dad’s support. 

 When my mom came home, she was very pleased with the glowing kitchen and gave me a kiss.  Then we cooked and had dinner.  I was so nervous that I barely ate anything.  Fear made my hands wet and cold. 

“Mom,” I forced the words out of my mouth.

“What? Darling,” her smiles encouraged me. 

“I read a book today, Harry Potter. I borrowed it from Ricky.  It is a wonderful book,” I said, without pause.

Her face became strict, “have you finished your reading task yet?”

“No…”

“Then why are you still sitting here?”

“Mom!” my tears dropped, “I never enjoyed reading, never!  Although I know I could learn a lot from the books you bought me, it was suffering for me.  I hated them more day by day, but this book is different!  I never thought reading could be so enjoyable.  People are alive in this book. They have emotions that resonate with me.  Please, I want to read books like this.”

Silence.

“Yidan is right,” my dad supported, “she’s just a child after all. We want her to be outstanding, but we also want her to be happy.  Fiction novels are not deadly; I was a big fan myself! Also, it will foster her creativity and teach her how to get along with people, and look, she is self-motivated now.”

Eventually, after a long talk, my mom accepted. Although I must let her know which books I was reading and still needed to take the quiz every day, I was extremely excited and grateful. 

After that night, I became a bookworm and joined the school’s reading club.  I make a long book list every year and finish all of them, without my mom’s supervision.  Also, because of the huge number of books I had read, I learned much more characters than my peers; by the end of third grade, I could hardly find any new character to continue the quiz.  Another surprise was, after that talk, my mom became more open with me.  Although she still seemed to be a little unpleasant when I opposed her opinion, she encouraged me to explain my thoughts and give my reasons.  As a family, we started to understand each other better.  

Reading became an irreplaceable part of me, and I read a great variety of books now —novels, sciences, biographies, dramas, poetries, etc.  By gradually accumulating intellect and perception, I finally can appreciate the “abstract” books as my mom does, and the process was not painful, yet joyful.  From my experience of reading, I learned two vital things.  First, follow your interest and don’t push too hard.  Learning to run before knowing how to walk is not beneficial.  To learn from something, to take full advantage from it, you ought to love it first.  Second, be brave and steadfast to voice your thoughts and live your life.  Even parents who love us deeply may make the wrong decision, so we need to be responsible for ourselves. 

As my mom worried, some unrealistic thoughts did sneak into my head.  At the eve of my eleventh birthday, I sat at the window the whole night, waiting for a letter delivered by an owl from Hogwarts.  It did not come, apparently.  Although it might seem naive and funny now, I am not ashamed of that waiting.  Everyone grows up someday, sooner or later, which makes those strange and unrealistic beliefs we held before precious and sweet.  So, take the time, and allow ourselves to grow up slowly.