#as you can see i couldn't be concise if my life depended on it

[overthestars-and-offtoneverland]

Today I Found Something From My Childhood

And it reminded me how bad my childhood was.

When I was about 9/10, I thought it'd be a good idea to make a "Childhood Box" to pass down to my first born child.

From the looks of things, I put things in it from ages about 9-14ish. Makes sense that's when I stopped due to certain life events. I probably wasn't thinking about it.

I remember that I would write and rewrite notes to leave to my child. Contents of the notes depended on how my life was going until one day I had the one that was the most concise.

Today I found the box.

I actually removed things from it, specifically things that either had no actual sentimental value to me (random marks of things I thought were so cool but were literally garbage [I.E. a Poki Box because I was a little weeb and a Fago cap because Homestuck phase]) or things that hurt me to see it (things I only put in out of obligation [it didn't bring me joy or have sentimental value to me but my parents were adamant it had to], things marking my self esteem at the time that I have since fixed due to life experience ("I HAVE to keep this thing from my shitty boyfriend because it's the first time anyone called me pretty and it probably won't happen again!"), or things that had my deadname on it that fit one of both of the previous categories. Quite frankly it was cathartic and I see it as growth.

Also a mini bible, which I think fell under that obligation category thanks to my shithead father. I'm not even Christian anymore. 100% his fault.

Anyway, the part that has me super messed up.

I found the note.

I couldn't have been older than 10 when I actually wrote it. It was literally written in crayon.

"Dear sweet baby,

I want you to know that I love you.

I am giving you my childhood because I want you to be a happy child for as long as you can.

I will never scream at you. I will never hit you. I will make sure you are happy.

Love, Mom.

P.S. I will make sure your dad does too."

There's a lot to unpack here.

Firstly, we'll just skip the fact that at this point in my life I had to assume I would need to be cisgender and straight. As an adult, A. My kids will call me Bubby or Bubs, not Mom. B. I will most likely not be with a man. There's only like a 2% probability on that one. AMAB, maybe, but not a man.

Secondly, those bold parts aren't me exaggerating now. Those were emphasized in the actual letter. I said so much and so little.

I felt unloved, therefore I definitely needed to emphasize to my child that I love them unconditionally

I was not given the benefit of being treated like a child. Which is true. I was parentified and if I ever acted my age, I was punished for it. I had to do chores way above my age level. If I wasn't good immediately at anything, I was punished. I was always meant to be the mature one even when my parents were throwing tantrums. How dare I react to someone twice my size screaming at me.

My father was my main abuser and led me to believe that fathers are expected to abuse their children. That's not a normal thought.

Thirdly, I promised my child I wouldn't abuse them. I didn't even realize what was happening to me was abuse at this point and I still promised my child I wouldn't abuse them and make sure none one else would either.

Both my parents hurt me this badly. And my mother wouldn't even pretend to protect me from the physical abuse. Why would she? Both of them were mentally and emotionally abusing me.

How is it fair that a little kid is so beaten down and knows subconsciously that this isn't right that they grow up to be me.

And yet with every confrontation to these monsters it's "All in my head" and "Where did this come from?" and "Suddenly you think I'm abusive!"

God these people will NEVER meet my children.

[myers-meadow]

"Thank you, that is so kind of you to say! Makes me v happy to see you still around and enjoying fandom <3" Back at you.

"You're truly so sweet to reach out and send me this <3" Aw! Thanks! I do try my best to leave little happy footprints. 🐾

"I'm v aware it's not everyone's thing, so I'll always tag ^^. I hope you're not forcing yourself to read things that you don't feel good about reading, although i know we're all adults here and I can trust you to take care of yourself <3." Don't worry, I'm good.

"The most I feel ready to do, creatively, right now is drabbles and little vignettes like that. That has always been my style, in a way, to give small insights, to focus on small every day aspects of what it would be like to live a different life..." Glad to hear that you're figuring out what you like to do. Bite-sized fics are great, because sometimes you just want to write or read something real quick (either because you have a hard time focusing on one thing for an extended period of time or don't have the time/energy to just sit with one thing for an extended period or time—or a you're like me and your mind is just war-torn by ADHD and autism some days 🫠). It's also genuinely a skill to write little vignettes, as you have to convey everything you want to convey in a very concise manner (something I couldn't do if my life depended on it 🙃), which means determining how much information do you try to establish, figuring out how to do that, choosing what to just leave unaddressed or what you'll have to trust the reader to fill in the blanks for, and balancing how to do all of that without accidentally nixing important details or context while also not mucking up the pacing of the piece. Also, to circle back around to your concern about me forcing myself to read something I don't feel good reading, I probably wouldn't have read it if it wasn't a little vignette; it was basically the equivalent of me trying a bite-sized sample of a food I haven't personally been the biggest fan of in the past to see if my tastes have changed or if this cook's recipe is the exception to the rule (the answer ultimately was 'Still not my cup of tea' but, again, I can still recognize and appreciate that it was well made regardless of if it wasn't to my subjective personal tastes). I hope that made even a modicum of sense and/or that I didn't fumble this and come across as condescending or something 😅.

I'm glad you're taking care of yourself in that way. I have a lot of ideas of things to write, and for ocs outside of bg3, and it gets quite dark. It seems that my heart truly lies there there most ^^. It feels good to get it out with a lil drabble.

Your expanation makes a lot of sense! For me, I often find myself unable to read longer works, bc either energy or time is lacking. Sometimes i overestimate the time i have and i'm trying to speed read a 10k word fic during my lunch break 😅. I'm not sure if it is an artform for me like that, I admire ppl who can write longer pieces with the beautiful flowing prose... There's a lot of fun to be had with foreshadowing and plot twists and putting cliff hangers in, in multichapter fics. Maybe one day ! :))

Even though drabbles may not have much meat on their bones, I'm v open to discussing the themes or ideas i mention in them - im not quick to find topics sensitive or be defensive when i know its coming from a good place. I say that just in case!

Anyway, I hope you can find comfort in fanfic that are to your tastes, and i hope you have a lovely weekend!

xoxo

[vellaphoria]

hi hi! c: for the Get to know your fic writer! meme - 1, 17, 22, 56, and 67? (however many you'd like to answer!)

hiiiiii :D

thanks for the ask!! <3

Do you prefer writing one-shots or multi-chaptered fics?

It depends on what I'm going for! I think that broadly I'd prefer to write one-shots, but I'm very very bad at being concise in writing, so often they turn into multi-chapter fics without me noticing lol The fun thing about oneshots is that you can be Vague and leave people guessing about implication breadcrumbs left through the fic. But the fun thing about multi-chapter fics is that I do really love worldbuilding...

17. What do you do when writing becomes difficult? (maybe a lack of inspiration or writers block)

For a lack of inspiration, usually I have to step away from the project for a while. Trying to write while uninspired tends to do me more harm than good, and inspiration tends to find me at the most unexpected times. So chances are I'll be coming back to it pretty quickly, when the time is right.

For writers block, I usually bring the issue to my beta reader and we talk through it and brainstorm. Getting a second opinion is really helpful! Especially when the other person can see things that you've missed because you were the one writing it. So, shout out to my beta reader for being excellent (and also for enabling me lol) <3

22. Are there certain types of writing you won’t do? (style, pov, genre, tropes, etc)

There are! But for different reasons. Style: I think that epistolary style can be done very well, but I'm not super good at it and have no particular desire to expand my writing skill set in that direction. POV: Likewise, first person and second person pov can be well done (harder with second person, imo), but they're not for me. I could probably write third person omniscient, but I much prefer third person limited because playing with perception and who knows what (and when) is really fun for me! The downside is that sometimes people reading my fic are like. Why didn't the POV character know this thing that they couldn't possibly have known at the time in the plot?? So I think that some people don't understand that third person omniscient and limited pov's are different things Genre: I'm really really really really not a fan of slice of life, as a genre. Or coffee shop AUs. Any genre where narrative conflict is deemphasized is a genre that I'm not super interested in reading or writing Tropes: I won't write AOB because I'm squicked out by the biological determinism and recreation of heterosexual gender dynamics in queer relationshps. Like, I know there are subversions that don't do that, but the majority of it plays it straight, so it's not for me. I also won't write pregnancy of any sort or child acquisition because the first squicks me out and the latter makes me uncomfortable. For DC-specific tropes, I won't write joker junior because the concept makes me sad. I've also been leaning away from a lot of the fanon tropes (i.e. stuff like Tim having a coffee addiction) because while they're fun as jokes, the way that some people are treating them as canon annoys me. Long answer is long lol

56. What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

I like to think that I write pretty compelling relationship dynamics. Or at least I write them in the way that I want to read them, so. That's all that really matters to me at the end of the day <3

67. Do you prefer prompts and challenges, or completely independent ideas?

I prefer prompts and challenges since I get to interpret them broadly! Chances are that by they end, they've become completely independent ideas anyway XD

(questions are from this prompt list)

[hexhomos]

hi!! through your depiction of v + j as autistic, i've come to understand myself a bit better. after researching it, i'm 99% sure i'm autistic now. this explains A LOT of stuff about my life that i just couldn't understand for the life of me up to this point. i'm in my early 20s, and i'd always had this feeling i wasn't NT, but struggled a lot with imposter's syndrome. seeing myself in them like that so clearly unlocked something. now i'm working on understanding different types of autism, discovering how i mask, how it's affected me, etc... and working on healing in that regard. so i just wanted to say thank you. i'm having trouble articulating it in a concise way rn, but you have no idea the impact you've had on my life, completely unknowingly! THANK YOU

WAHHHH THIS IS SUCH A SWEET MESSAGE...... holy shit anon good luck im taking your hand and shaking it so effusively now. This is by far the most positive effect i could ever hope for writing about them, I've had a similar experience recognizing things I did/felt in stories that featured autistic characters and it was really reaffirming to know I'm not alone!!! I'm glad you could find out more about yourself and I hope that knowledge can soothe you and help you go forward!!!

I think self recognition is really important here because autism is still over-pathologized at large, and very poorly understood by most people. If the resources you're finding are useful to you and you believe you can manage on your own (without things like extensive counseling or medication) I fully recommend avoiding an official diagnosis. If it's in your medical record, it's legally binding; meaning you have to disclose it to potential employers (who can reject your application by simply seeing the autistic marker) and it can make a lot of medical situations complicated because doctors tend to not take us seriously at all. (during the covid-19 panic britain had a serious problem with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' order applied to patients with learning/developmental disabilities. This includes people in the autism spectrum.) advocacy for autistic people is also unfortunately mired in grifters and 'autism moms' looking for total control of their kids or magical cures to terminate their genes. Not everyone knows Autism Speaks sucks ass but they should!

Of course some of the above definitely depends on where you live. Searching for autism orgs, resources or communities led by actually autistic people near you or online is one of the most helpful things you can do, and it has helped me a lot.❤️ I wish you the best homie!!

[anotherfauxredhead]

The Anniversary

Exactly one year ago, my fallopian tubes were yeeted out for good. My decision to go permanently childfree through sterilization was complete. Twelve things I've realized and noticed in the 12 months since I've gone tubeless:

--on me, the incision scars are now faint. Not completely faded, but you have to look up close to find them. Given that I'm still sporting loose skin from all the weight I've lost over the years, you really don't want to see my stomach. Shame that the docs couldn't perform surgery to remove my loose skin at that same time while I was under lol

--my menstrual cycle did not get wonky post-surgery. There have been a couple months where the cramps were more hellish than I've been used to, and Shark Week's been coming a couple days early the past three months (booooo). But the Red Tide has been manageable. For the record, I haven't been on any birth control (recently) prior to my Bisalp.

--for those wanting to get a Bisalp and are wondering how much time to take off from work, it all depends on the kind of work you do. I work an in-person physical job, so I took 3 1/2 weeks off. (When I was reading up on this on Reddit last year, I kept seeing replies on how the WFH crowd didn't have to take so much time off from work. And I'm all, y'all that WFH don't represent meeeeeeee!!!)

--incels, misogynists, and breeders continue to be mad mad over seeing more women choosing the childfree life (and the bear, too)

--speaking of incels, Harrison Butker is a waste of a wankstain

--BBLs are gross and ugly AF like them Cybertrucks. I know this has nothing to do with kids and the childfree life; I just wanted to get that off my chest and clown all y'all who own either or (even worse) both of them.

--Project 2025 can become a harsh reality if some of you will still choose to protest vote against "gEnOciDe Joe" while ignoring what that convicted felon will do if re-elected (so get out and Vote Blue)

--another reason why I'm (now permanently) childfree: I can shop in peace. No dealing with a whiny brat who'll throw a tantrum on a germ-infested floor when they don't get that video game they want me to buy. No taking up all the space when I roll my shopping cart-sized stroller down an aisle. No needing to buy things for my kids since I don't have 'em and thus I spend my shopping money on mahself!

--another reason why I'm childfree part 2: the perverted uses of AI and how my would-be child could be a victim of a disgusting deepfake. Fake porn has already been made with the likenesses of Megan Thee Stallion and Taylor Swift, and while they have the resources to take legal action, us normal women who could be a target of it may not be so lucky.

--you know the old saying: better to regret getting sterilized than regret having a child.

--someone on Reddit (I know, I know) said that the reason why they're childfree is because they're a woman. It's such a concise statement, but it tells a lot. For us childfree women, not only do we get shit from misogynists and incels for simply being women, we also get shit from breeders who pressure us into having kids so we can also be miserable AF as them. And then there are the politicians who want to control our bodies with their bullshit laws, and the delulu billionaires demanding future wage slaves from us so that their pockets stay fat.

--finally, if you're wondering, I still have NO regrets in doing my Bisalp. I didn't want children before the Supreme Court struck down Roe v Wade and even during the Trump years. Hell, even during the Bush Jr years 20 years ago when many from my generation were dying in a pointless war. It's still satisfying knowing that the Bible-thumping breeders in politics and their draconian ideologies can never trap me. Getting my tubes out was the ultimate "fuck you" to those vile six SC judges who ruled that my body was their choice two years ago. Fuck that noise. I made it MY choice, and those SC judges, the breeders, and the Harrison Butker-types can't do jack shit about it bwahahaha

Anyway, Happy Anniversary to my Bisalp and status of being permanently childfree! 🥳🥂

ETA: oh cool this also my 200th post here yaaay

[bloody-wonder]

Any time I see a post going “fuck Nora for killing Seth” and lamenting that he died before he could get “redemption” I just get so confused. Nora’s the author; she didn’t physically murder a real person, she killed off a character she created, as was her right, whose place in the story was to die, to up the stakes and push them all to work together. Narratively Seth performed his duty. And “redemption”? AftG is not a story about redemption. It’s about living. And it wasn’t Seth’s story anyway

it turns out i’ve written An Essay on seth already so here it is if you’re interested

at first reading i didn’t think much of seth at all. there’s so much exposition and information about the characters and exy that the reader needs to get from the first book in order to understand and enjoy the other two, that i was quite overwhelmed and so the only things i remembered about seth were that he was kinda dick and that he died in retaliation for riko roast #1, which made the foxes work better as a team. then, after reading all the extra info on nora’s blog and re-reading the books i took a better look at him. he is certainly interesting. first of all he’s a symbol for the ‘old foxes’, those boys who were even more problematic than him and who failed to use the chance wymack had given them to make their lives better. unlike them he persisted, but at the same time – he gave up (he tells matt as much in their dialogue about the foxes’ chances to play better and for them to go pro). this aspect of his character is very relatable, for me at least. i mean i love neil and his unshakable will to make the most of any situation as much as the next guy, but i love it exactly because this is the inspirational shit i’m not able to do irl at all (riko roasts are so satisfying precisely because this is the kind of talk we dream we’d be able to give our offenders but most of us just can’t). seth on the other hand is my day-to-day mood.

he’s pretty down to earth and holds no illusions about his possibilities – this i would say is his most basic feature and at the same time it’s his fatal flaw. for if he were able to dare to imagine a prospect of more successful life for himself, if he were able to overcome his fundamental dislike of kevin, he wouldn’t disregard the team’s decision not to live the campus in the wake of riko roast #1 and, who knows, maybe he’d live. andrew saw matt’s addiction problem and chose to help him the hard way because he was positive that matt would survive, that he’d fight because he had it in him to overcome it. he didn’t regard seth in the same way – for many reasons, primarily seth’s being an asshole to andrew’s lot – but also because seth unlike matt had already given up on himself in a sense. we don’t know if he took the drugs that killed him of his own free will or if he was forced to take them, but i think he did it himself.

i find some of his characterization in the extra material very revealing: he was okay with his teammates’ shitty behaviors towards matt and the girls, with them doing drugs, with calling nicky the f-word, but he drew the line at some guys trying to rape allison while she was drunk at a party. most importantly this latter one wasn’t his instinctive action, like any person’s trying to save a fellow human from violence, like neil’s choice to stand up for kevin against riko at kathy’s show – this was a conscious decision (he passed the guys leading allison away, he went on, but then he thought no and went back for her). seth existed in this ethical grey zone, neither here nor there. every character in aftg is morally grey as we’ve established, but seth most of all, i think. if moral integrity was a scale, he’d be right in the middle of it. his inability to move brought his downfall. he’s a symbol for the ‘old foxes’, as i’ve said, and the story is about the ‘new’ ones, so it makes perfect narrative sense that he should die to make this ‘new era’ possible (it’s no coincidence that his death marks the end of the first book, the first act of this story). evolve or perish, so to say.

in this context he’s a tragic hero. he literally says ‘my life isn’t less important than kevin’s because he’s more talented’. this can be also read as ‘my life isn’t less important because i’m a minor antagonist in someone else’s story’. which he kinda is. he’s a secondary character whose death is a plot point, he’s a symbol and he’s the agent of tragic irony – all of which seems fascinating and rich to me. which is why i’m really sad that most of the fandom discourse on seth comes down to two camps: he deserved better vs. he deserved to die because he was homophobic and anyway he isn’t that important to care for him. the latter group also tends to view his death as him being punished by the narrative for being ‘bad’, which is the shallowest reading i can imagine. this is a common plight i see among my peers: people just dividing characters into the good ones and the bad one’s and debating whether those who are ‘bad’ deserve death or not. nobody deserves anything, people just get stuff or they don’t.

as for the former group, i can understand that people emphasize with seth’s struggle and would like a happier ending for him, because that’s humane, but i disagree, because although him living on would certainly dry some readers’ tears, it would impact the story in a bad way, make it less measured, it would remove all the complexity i’ve listed above. to put it simply, not every character who deserves development, redemption and what not has to get it, there’s absolutely no such rule. people who take to flawed characters and then feel robbed of a redemption arc if there isn’t one are missing the point of characters as a category in storytelling. 

as for me, i neither know nor care what he did or did not deserve as a human (which he is not, he’s made up), but i think that as a character he couldn’t be crafted better to play his role in this story and his death, i will repeat myself, makes perfect narrative sense.

[ettawritesnstudies]

Ik this isn’t Laoche but also lyric 6 and Ai-lia would go so hard

“Are you god or devil, ghost dishevelled / Childhood friend or drunken revel?” - New York Torch Song

A cloudburst rattles in her chest.

AI-Lia awakens with a gasp as the electricity shoots through her body. Still frozen in place, her eyes snap open, and she watches the...

Searches her memory for the correct word. Creature? Person? Being? Being.

She watches the being as he spins around in the seat - her seat - rightfully claimed - masterfully taken. The tears in the fabric are carefully patched. A captain takes care of their ship. Is that was this being has done for her?

She drags herself from the table where she lays, acutely conciseness of the foreign thing residing in her chest. It fits too well. Metal slid into an organic cavity as naturally as a cord to its port. Her spark thrums through the circuits with a familiar rhythm. How desperate she'd been. For freedom, for truth, she abandoned the systems that did more than keep her body in stasis for decades. They let her live, change, flicker into something new.

When she emerged from the cocoon of her alien sleep, her weak lungs struggled to keep up with her Will. Until now, it didn't occur to her how labored her breaths had been. The gasps that came with every landing, the heaving chest that betrayed her in combat. These past months of operating under the assumption that her malady had a simple medical explanation. She never thought to fix herself, as she fixed the broken boiler on the ship. Her ship.

The air enters the mechanism easily, flowing from chamber to chamber with the smooth click of well-crafted clockwork. It cracks and pops with life as fuels her Spark. She gives a satisfied sigh, and runs a finger over the patched skin running along her sternum, where she can feel the stitching under her jacket. From this gaping wound, a new her has begun.

The being gave her a wicked grin. "Now thaaatts better! I can't have my champion fumbling in every fight. How lame."

His horns glint in the glare of the computer screens behind him, and AI-Lia can't suppress the shiver of rage and recognition. Her Ares was a crude mockery of this Aries, but the resemblance riles her nonetheless. Every inch of this ship is hers, but sometimes she wonders if his ghost haunts the command post, sneering, judging, plotting, condemning.

"If I'm so lame, then why did you choose me?" She folds her arms across her chest and takes small comfort in the dependable rise and fall of her diaphragm.

"Aren't you even going to say thank you?"

"I don't know whether or not I've made a deal with the devil yet. Shouldn't I save my breath?"

"How rude. I really ought to teach you some manners, alongside the martial arts. With all this time I've been watching over you..."

"Would you call yourself a God then?"

"Some might. Are you among them?" His smile widens further, if that's possible. It stretches uncomfortably across his face, and AI-Lia can almost feel her own cheeks tugging with the uncanny movement. She scowls at him to make up for it.

"I don't know. How long have you been watching me?"

"But a blink, in my lifetime, but you could call me a childhood friend."

"Why didn't you do anything to help before?"

"You belonged to a different Ares, then. That limited my influence, you see, Antares? I couldn't touch the heart of the scorpion. Besides, it was entertaining, attending the drunken revels, the flirtation with the Vino girl, the crew parties. All the while, my next champion slumbered and schemed behind the screens.”

Her hair whips around her with a cross crack of static. She strides forward and jabs a finger under his nose. "Then why help now? Why choose me?"

He batted her finger out of the way, rose from the chair, and breezed past her, gently shoving her out of the way with a hand to her shoulder. Her scars blazed blue under his red-tinted palm, creating a momentary glow of purple against his skin. He brushed his hands together, as if trying to shake the lightning from his nerves.

"Let's just call it an investment. I cannot find the words to keep you. But know there's a good reason your blood does not bleed red anymore."

He's right, of course. Her veins blaze brighter than the suns burn, it's whiter with every hum of emotion simmering beneath the surface. She cannot find the words to keep him, either.

Before he disappears, he gives her a slight bow and a grin. “Let’s talk about this tomorrow.”

She gives the cocky, beloved, bastard a jaunty salute, then heads out to make repairs to the outer hull. A captain takes care of their ship, and she’s just found a new set of tools, laying where her lungs used to live.

(@carbonitty I'm pretty sure this is you, and if it's not then enjoy the tag anyhow I guess, lol)

[thirrith]

would you happen to know of any inspirational chinese quotes/phrases/etc. that would apply for a closeted queer situation? my chinese is nowhere close to good enough to search for stuff like that

Hello!

I don’t, actually! So I went online to look (and I also thought about it really really hard), and oops now I have more questions than answers. So brace yourself for a very long and disorganised rant (with minimal inspirational chinese quotes).

Well, I mean, a direct translation of 'inspirational quotes' is 勵志語錄, but the two of them probably have different connotations. The one in Chinese is more like... toxic positivity I guess? Not a fan, and, besides, I tried looking for ones that apply to closeted queers, but except for those that are can-literally-apply-to-anybody generic (I think you're not asking for those?), I couldn't find any.

And then I thought really hard seeing if I could come up with idioms or quotes (that are inspirational in the literal sense), but then I realised, it really depends on what and who these quotes are for.

I mean, if I were thinking about my own closeted queer situation (for example years ago at school), the first thing came to mind would be 留得青山在，不怕沒柴燒。在人屋檐下，不得不低頭。Is it true? Yeah, it's basically saying even though you may be deprived of many things, at least you can keep your forest so you won't run out of firewood (it's okay not to come out - how do you live your best queer life if you don't first stay alive?) and that you'll have to keep your head down when you live under (somebody else's) eaves (that is, when close-minded people hold power over your and coming out will threaten your safety - maybe you're still financially dependent on your parents, for example). Is it inspirational? Well, depends on if you have a cynical sense of humour It's really just spelling out the obvious in a way that rhymes. Would I say it to other closeted queer people when I want to encourage them? Probably not. Reserved for sarcastic purposes only. I find it relatable, though.

So many queer people from the sinophone stay closeted even to important people (family, mostly) their entire lives. You would think that's painful. Well, yeah, obviously! But not necessarily painful enough to motivate us to come out. Some of us never come out or even consider it. We keep our head down under the eaves, but it doesn't mean the forest is all that we have. Maybe it's a cultural thing.

(When I was thinking about key words for my google search I realised that we don't have a word for 'closeted'! We can talk about 身處櫃中 or 尚未出櫃 or 隱瞞身份, of course, but none of them are as established, concise and popular (and suitable for search engine) as the word for coming out, 出櫃.)

Oh, by the way, I really like this novel by Pai Hsien-yung published in 1983 called 孽子. The author is a very famous author who is gay. This novel is beautiful. Reading this book hurts. If you're interested, this webpage is filled with quotes readers have selected from this book.

Look, I'm really happy that you're interested in this very specific topic and decided to ask me. I know I didn't help much, and I hope you didn't find this rant too annoying.

And you know what, your ask actually reminded me of the sad fact that I haven't read chinese literature for a very long time.

[kokoinupi]

Jitterbug (Hashiya Nanashi, feat. Hatsune Miku & MEIKO) analysis, from an autistic point of view

Disclaimer: This is based on my personal experience growing up with autism, and the experiences of the people around me. This song is also really gay by nature, so if MikuMei isn't your thing, this is your warning. Obviously this is in no way any sort of official analysis, and actually, ironically due to my autism, I may misinterpret some things or have a hard time not taking lines literally, so don't get mad at me if I get something clearly wrong. I'm just very passionate about this interpretation, and this song comes very close to representing a real (canon) autistic experience. No one else seems to comment on it from that point of view though, so naturally I had to write this up! This is also my first full analysis, and I'm not good at being concise, so please bear with me!

[[MORE]]

Overview: The video, for me, is a major factor in how Jitterbug comes across as an autistic narrative. The name itself, while it is still a reference to a 1920s dance (befitting of the electroswing style of the song), doubles as a meaning for someone who can't sit still, and actually on a personal note was an affectionate nickname my family called me as a kid, so that tipped me off right away. All throughout the video, I noticed most of all, the way Meiko moves her hands while she dances is very close to stimmy behavior, not really like how a neurotypical would normally dance (nor is it a part of the jitterbug itself). While Meiko is moving her hands like that, Miku very often has something in her mouth, either a kind of stick, or the laser pointer, definitely suggesting an oral fixation. Of course, both girls obscure their eyes with sunglasses (I think Meiko's aviators look so cool), and while that definitely has some metaphorical meaning as others have pointed out in their analyses of the song, it's really not uncommon for autistic people to wear shaders and/or noise dampeners to combat overstimulation and sensory issues. None of these things on their own prove anything, of course, as the video is often a small part of a song's meaning, so let's dive into the main course!

Lyric analysis:

I can't talk about any wishes, nor my ideals

Giving out the same, invariant answer all the time

For being the first line in this song, this really already punches home the idea that Miku is dissatisfied with herself, and, as is often the case with autistic people, doesn't even know how she's supposed to navigate the world. She either doesn't know her aspirations in life, or doesn't know how to talk about them without being judged.

You don't need a rotten yesterday

Dump it before you get betrayed

Meiko, being the free spirit in contrast to the masking, frustrated Miku, assures her that she can't just hold onto bad things that happened, being judged or not knowing herself, she needs to dump her perfectionist tendencies and learn to live as herself a little before her own precariously-built persona comes crashing down on her.

Just fully utilize it, tame it

Can't give it away nor dye it tomorrow

I'm fully ready

Meiko tells Miku that she has to learn to work with herself the way she is, find her talents and use them fully, rather than constantly trying to change or push her feelings deep down. She can't give away her personality, and she can't truly make herself different inside, no matter how hard she masks on the outside.

Hungry critics that can't even move

are just glancing at you sideways

The people who would judge Miku for who she is are just hungry for something to laugh at, someone to other or exclude, but when it comes down to it, they're no real threat. If she can just get over that initial hurdle, she'll realize her haters are just pathetically lapping at any entertainment they can get, and they're really not that scary at the end of the day.

Who cares! Ignore those idiots

Given this is the first line they sing together, it almost feels like an admission on Miku's part, she wants to believe Meiko and stand up for herself for once, even if it is just among them for now.

Come at nights, grab my hand and dance

The girls are obviously fond of each other (just gals being pals), and in a way, understand one another on a deeper level than other people understand them, having similar neurotypes. Dancing itself is sort of a wild, energetic activity, that can help express a wide variety of pent-up emotions, and the jitterbug itself is a pretty manic dance that fits the image rather well.

Use your eyes only for me and let's light it up,

Your one and only, scorching laser light

This line is honestly just gay. I don't think there's any deeper meaning to the laser light specifically, but it is a cute thing to call your funky spunky girlfriend, isn't it? It actually may be a reference to how Miku really is on the inside, bright and strange, and often blinding and scorching to others. She hides that side of her pretty well normally, but with Meiko it's not only fine to be bright and weird and full of personality, but actually encouraged.

Fitfully ranking things and aligning them vertically

Abandoning my heart, I convert them to numbers out of impulse

Honestly, upon my first translated listen of this song, I didn't think absolutely anything autistic was happening until this line hit me. This is so autistic in nature, I'm surprised that a lot of analyses leave it out. Miku not only sees the world in sets and orders and numbers like many autistics do, but actually feels (most likely from outside influence) that by her brain being wired to see the world like that, she's abandoned her humanity and become a robot.

The magic gradually faded out

Instead, pessimism flowed in and was entrenched

I'm taking a little liberty here, but many autistics with savant syndrome (and/or gifted kid syndrome) are praised in their youth for the amazing things they can do, such as doing complex math quickly or reading at a faster speed than their peers, but later in life, when those skills are either no longer relevant or have averaged out, the things they used to be praised for become seen as annoying, not something to brag about, or a burden. Miku no longer sees the way her brain works as magical and special anymore, it's a curse and proof to her that she's not like the people around her.

Struck speechless by the awful scenery,

Very clearly overstimulation.

I linger in the raining streets, soaked from head to toe

Some wait for the sun, some grumble about the rain

All pointing at me inside their umbrellas

This line could very well be taken literally, but it's most clearly just a way of describing how different Miku is truly. She doesn't see the same things as bad as other people, she doesn't see the same things as good either. She could be the type that embraces darkness in life, both literally and figuratively. People may not actually point, but she can feel eyes on her, and it makes her feel even more alienated. Even when she tries so hard to fit in, there are some parts of her that are too obvious to change, and she knows she draws attention anyway.

Who cares! Ignore them right now

Let's smile, choose my hand and sing

Feel the rhythm with your heart and dance

I'm not sure exactly why, but the line about feeling the rhythm with your heart made me feel really connected to the song. It might just be because of my own personal music stim habits, but either way it's another line about leaving behind your facade, being as true to your nature as possible, and just dancing out your worries to the beat of the song.

On this rainy stage, as bright as the scorching light

This line embraces the idea of Miku preferring the rain. No one else has to like the stage they set for themselves, because when they're together, it's just about them and what they want to do. Miku can soak herself in rain and bright, scorching light, and just exist with no one around to point and stare.

Eyes go dim and words are lost

While this can just be a reference to depression in general, it's worth noting that many autistics have trouble showing expressions, and/or go nonverbal, often in response to stress or unusually upsetting circumstances.

The colors of today have faded out

Still, it couldn't end because of someone

This can be a way of insinuating that Miku is actually suicidal due to how she's seen by others, and Meiko is the one thing keeping her here, or it could just mean that Meiko stopped her days from getting too bad in a moderate sense. Either way, pretty gay, and shows more how much the girls depend on each other in mutual understanding.

Who cares! Ignore those idiots!

Come at nights, dance and grasp your aspirations

Referring back to the first line, Meiko does assure Miku that not everything needs to be worked out for others' sake, but by spending time with your true self and unpacking your feelings, the future you're supposed to have and the things that truly make you happy will become clear.

I shall dedicate my entire life to you

Let's shine on, like the scorching light

Reach your hands out, until the very end

Miku is in lesbians with her. Ending the song on such a gay note is never a bad thing of course, but it is a little anticlimactic for this analysis. Though, the line of reaching your hands out might actually refer to their hand movements in the video, symbolizing to keep being weird and authentic as long as you can, but that may be a bit of a stretch (or a reach, if you will)

Final thoughts: I have seen other analyses (though not as in-depth) about the meaning of the song, and while they definitely do have some meaning and I can see it from that point of view, there are just some obviously autistic cues that I couldn't ignore that just swayed my perception of the song entirely that direction. I'm not sure if I only picked up that meaning because of my own experiences biasing my view, or if I actually am onto something with the original intention of the song. If you guys have any insight to offer on any of the lyrics, or if I missed or misinterpreted something, feel free to let me know! Thanks for reading this far, honestly! 🌸

[sailor-arashi]

Any tips for preparing to thru - hike? What to pack and all? If I got somewhere and couldn't go anymore how would I get back and all

It’s been about a decade since my thru-hike and I know conditions and technology have changed significantly since then.  That being said, my advice for what to pack would be a bit dated, but my method of figuring that out for myself should still work well enough.  I planned out my hike using three sources:

1:  Long-Distance Hiking: Lessons from the Appalachian Trail.   It’s a book written by a statistician who hiked the AT and issued surveys to his fellow hikers.  There’s a lot of good data on what to expect and how to prepare.   It was published in 1997, so the gear information will also be a bit dated in places, but I feel that half of my success on the trail can be attributed to this book telling me what to expect.

2:  Whiteblaze.net   So far as I know the site is still the predominant place where thru-hikers gather online and share information.  There are specific sub-forums for gear recommendations, first hike planning, issues specific to female hikers, etc.  I usually only go there when there’s a trail-specific issue I’m looking for more information on, but from what I see on the occasions I visit, it’s still as good a resource as it used to be.  Just remember that it’s an online forum, and hikers are just as opinionated as anyone else, so make sure to filter their advice through your own desires.  If you don’t want to go “ultra-light” (accepting high levels of discomfort in order to have the lightest pack possible) don’t let them talk you into it.  Accept their advice on your own terms.

3:  Taking the recommendations from the two sources above and walking into a local outfitter with your money at the ready and declaring “I am equipping for a thru-hike of the Appalachian Trail!”  I did this at a locally-owned shop, and we spent the entire day going down the list I had brought, picking out the items from it, getting their opinions on the choices, revising some of my choices based on their input, and adding items to the list that had somehow slipped my notice.  The temptation to order it all online these days would be pretty high, but I think the personal interaction with someone who has outfitted numerous people for the same task was very important in the long run.  I feel that I ended up happier with my gear than most of my fellow hikers of that year, many of whom replaced large portions of theirs at the first resupply point (30 miles in).

If I got somewhere and couldn’t go anymore how would I get back

That depends on the situation, honestly.  It’s shockingly easy to ‘get back’ most of the time.   If you mean if you just needed to quit, that’s actually far too easy.  If you’re out there hiking, and just can’t take it anymore, you hitch-hike into town at the next road crossing.  There are very few places on the trail where you don’t cross a road where you can catch a ride every day or two.  Your backpack is your ticket into town.  People who live near the trail know it means you’re a hiker, and are more likely to stop and give you a ride than usual.   Any town close to the trail will also have people offering hiker services that you can call to come pick you up.   After that it’s just a bus ticket home.  Just remember: never hitch-hike alone.  

If you mean what happens if you get injured?  Well, there will never be a day on the trail when you don’t encounter other hikers.  If you’re hurt, someone will come along before too terribly long, and they will go for help.  

Truth be told the logistical side of the hike is the easiest part.  There are so many resources out there for exactly this sort of thing that you’ll eventually get a gear loadout that you’re happy with.  If something isn’t working out for you equipment-wise, there will be plenty of opportunities to fix that on the trail, or beforehand even if you have the time to do a few shakedown hikes first.

The physical side of the hike is shockingly easy as well.  Oh, it’s absolutely brutal, don’t get me wrong, but as they say “You’d be surprised what you can get used to.”   After the first three weeks or so you’ll be in the best shape of your life and will realize that it’s never been a matter of “Can you do it” it’s “Will you do it.”  Barring injury or illness, anyone can do the hike.   A blind man has done it.  A paraplegic has done it.  You can do it.

The hard part of the hike is entirely mental.  It’s knowing that the only reason you are out there is because you choose to be.  It’s knowing that you can quit at any time.  It’s knowing just how easy it is to quit.

Because a thru-hike is near-unrelenting misery.  It’s hardship and suffering and loneliness and fear and pain.  It’s being cold and wet and getting to your endpoint for the night to find that the rain has seeped into your pack and so you get to keep on being cold and wet for the foreseeable future.   It’s being hot and exhausted and facing a two thousand foot climb on a hundred degree day.  It’s getting into town just after the post office closes on Saturday morning and being forced to stay in town until Monday morning because you need the supplies in your mail drop…and after a weekend of air conditioning, hotel beds, and restaurant food, stepping back out onto the trail Monday will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done…

People start thru-hikes because they want a transformative experience.   They’ve read books about thru-hiking, and the books always make it seem awesome.  You go out for a hike, you have an incredible experience, and you come back a changed person.  What people don’t realize is that transformative experiences are almost always painful experiences.  So they go in expecting magic and enlightenment; instead they find pain, and they quit.   

Only about 10% of the people who begin a thru-hike will finish it.  Of the ones who quit, 15-25% of them quit at Neels Gap, the very first road crossing where you can catch a ride back to town.   The phrase ‘not what I was expecting’ is a common one given for why they are getting off the trail so soon.  

I’m rambling a bit.  My thru-hike was a major turning point in my life, so I tend to be very passionate on the topic.  As you can see above, my key advice is manage your expectations.  Go out expecting it to be the most awful thing you’ve ever done, and remember that it will also be an incredible adventure full of wonderful times.

If you have any specific questions, please feel free to ask!   I’m a bit more concise when not given an open-ended topic like “How do you prepare?” XD