#as they say. c'est la vie... i will never win but the idgaf war wages on
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#can't find my headphones going insane#need... music....loud...#back from that meditation retreat/course thingy btw#thank god it wasn't that bad#i think i've made peace with going girlmode essentially full time again#as they say. c'est la vie... i will never win but the idgaf war wages on#other than the whole compulsory aspect of it the mandatory white garb was not so bad : P#observing the 8 precepts for only a few days is basically nothing... v ez#a lot of the lecture/sermon content was pretty legit and imo applicable to my daily life although i had issues w/ some topics discussed#i don't fuck with thought crime/'sin' and I'm pretty resolute about this#i have ocd and if i believed every time i had a horrible thought i let myself think it was reflective of#my inner state and/or karma stats or whatever i'd probably actually shoot myself#ok the relevant#buddhist theory is actually pretty complex but i don't want to misrepresent anything and#i cannot explain. i actively interact as little as i can with this kinda thing. even if you make me to take a course lol in my head I'm#wily and u cant get me. this is my turf and i'm like a ferret#i do beleive i have said my personal philosophies are undoubtedly highly influenced by Buddhist thought#but i can't be all gung-ho about this 'ending suffering' forever business#as nice as that sounds#i don't want to be told the meaning of life like I'm not gonna perservere my entire lived existence to fulfill some grand objective pre-#determined by someone else no matter how well-regarded they are by however many people#I'm rather attached to the things that bring me comfort and joy and meaning...as shallow or illusory they may be#i don't like that i'd feel threatened into trying to escape samsara bc its 'uber rare' that i was born into the right species#in the right religion and right place and time to get chance to do that#like in that one poem#i would like to touch the world with bare hands even it burns you know what i mean?#stop trying to save me; stop telling me to let go of the world#i try to stand my ground you know but I'm aware this is really important to my parents right now#i know people get more religious as they grow older#maybe i just am not forced to reckon with mortality in the same way that they are and therefore am not at a stage in my life where i can
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