#as if dean never protected sam *over and over again* from that same perception of him

[wishbonedean]

Don't think about Dean spending time in Purgatory less than a year later wondering, even hoping he'd run into her, but not knowing what he would say. Dean thinking to himself he could give her a second chance but scared she wouldn't want anything to do with him. Don't think about Dean considering how to explain things to Sam if he found her, how he could keep his family together. Don't think about him wondering if they would make him choose and how he would decide.

Don't think about Dean hesitating a second too long whenever a flash of blonde appeared, to the point that Benny had saved him dozens of times. Don't think about Dean giving up on her when he doesn't see monsters he's killed ever again, wondering if dying in here is permanent. Don't think about Dean wondering how she died even here because she was here alone for so long before he got here. Don't think about Dean actually wishing he could do some research to see if Amazons even go to Purgatory when they die. Don't think about Dean feeling bad for wishing they did so he might have a second chance.

Don't think about Dean realizing he had nothing to remember her by because she never even had the chance to like or enjoy anything enough to be considered a memento or pasttime - what would she have liked? Don't think about Dean feeling guilty for starting to forget what she looked like, wishing somehow he had a picture because she doesn't deserve being abandoned, failed, *and* forgotten by her own father.

Don't think about Dean clinging to Cas when he finds him, glad that he didn't have to let *both* of them down. Don't think about Dean's sorrow and guilt when he leaves with neither. Don't think about Dean feeling like he doesn't deserve a family when he couldn't protect the one man and child he already had. Don't think about Dean's advice to people dealing with regret is to bury it and drink. Don't think about Dean never mentioning her *ever* again.

Don't think about Dean losing his mother, Crowley, and Cas all at once (plus Jack *actually* killing his *own* mother) and Sam defending Jack's right to live, his right not to be judged even in the wake of his destruction. Don't think about Sam insisting Dean trust his judgement despite the circumstances, despite barely ever returning the favor except when his way blows up and he's out of ideas. Don't think about Sam judging Dean for not putting his feelings aside in the midst of extreme grief that Dean has to step aside and nearly break his hand in anger. Don't think about Dean complaining each step of the way but still letting Sam have the chance to play dad - because he would *never* do to Sam what Sam did to him. Don't think about Dean giving Jack a chance at the first sign of goodness, wondering if Emma would have done the same if she'd had the time.

Don’t think about Dean getting rid of Emma’s body. Don’t think about him folding her small hands over her bloodied chest. Don’t think about him crossing her ankles, seeing her brand new converse shoes and wondering who bought them for her. Was it someone who loved her? Did Amazons even feel love for their children or only a sense of duty? Don’t think about him snapping at Sam to shut up while his brother urged him to hurry before someone called the cops about the gunshot. Don’t think about Dean carefully lifting her hair from behind her back, laying it out in two tresses over her shoulders, wondering what it would have been like to learn to braid it. Don’t think about him stripping the sheets off the hotel bed and tucking them gently, gingerly around her lifeless body. Don’t think about him hoisting her into his arms for the first time, marveling at how light she was, how tiny. Don’t think about him laying her across the backseat in the car. Don’t think about him pulling off the road several miles away. Don’t think about him carrying her into the woods on the side of the road, Sam lugging a couple shovels and a jug of accelerant. Don’t think about Dean walking until he found a peaceful clearing, grassy where the trees broke for the night sky, surrounded by a chorus of crickets and tree frogs. She’d be able to see the stars here, Dean thinks, as he starts to dig. He gruffly directs Sam to keep watch; Dean will do the work. He’ll dig until his shoulders ache, until it feels like his spine is splintering at the small of his back, until the shovel rubs raw blisters into his palms. The hole is untidy and shallow - above all, small. Barely five feet long. She didn’t even come up to his shoulder. Would she have kept growing? Don’t think about Dean lifting his little girl for the last time, laying her into the cradle of damp dirt. He spills salt and accelerant over her still body and he thinks she should have had a pyre. She was a hunter, after all, just as much as him. He lets his lighter fall, watches long after her bones turn to ash, blinking back the sting of smoke in his eyes. 

On the way back from her gravesite, Sam tells him she wasn’t yours. Not really.

[steveyockey]

Regarding how Supernatural sees and literally portrays its own fans: there are the cringy loser man (who also turn out to be gay which is of course even worse), the straight fetishizing women and the delusional queer fangirls. What I don't understand: where are the fans that Supernatural actually wants? The 'real' fans, the actual target group, so I suppose cool straight dude bros? They're never shown as fans of the show! Because how Supernatural portrays is, it's actually cringe to like Supernatural at all which is funnily just the show shitting on itself (and also true). Or what do you think?

I mean I think you hit the nail on the head, it’s cringe to like supernatural! specifically it’s cringe to like supernatural with a passion, which is funny because like, kripke’s original pitch mentions buffy, the x-files, star wars, properties with active fan communities who rooted for pairings and continue to write fic. it feels like those fans come with the territory! it’s genre fiction! but of course supernatural also came up at the perfect time for its writers to have a better awareness of their fan communities than most of the stuff that came before them, and, what’s more is they chose to do that. becky, demian, and barnes are all names of forum mods from back in the day. they’re mean-spirited caricatures, but they are also currency! in-text acknowledgment! that’s a powerful drug. how mad can you be that you’re getting made fun of for having no life outside a silly tv show that thinks you’re a loser when you’re now a character in that tv show!

it’s difficult to source who supernatural was technically supposed to be for, there’s no actual quote of kripke naming teenage white boys as his target audience, but I did dig up this bad boy from 2009 that suggests dawn ostroff (the cw’s president at the time) was not happy the property pitched as being for males ages 13-25 was instead attracting women 14-45. I mean, we know the first two seasons of supernatural were “the DVDs most requested by armed forces personnel in iraq and afghanistan,” so clearly on some level the “intended audience” was being reached, but it seems at least the perception on the inside was those poor boys were getting massively outflanked by women. there’s a couple levels to this. first of all, the show premiered on the wb. it’s not to say the network couldn’t attempt to attract new viewers (and this was probably part of the intent of the show), but teen soaps were in its dna. they had no way to STOP the women already tuning in for gilmore girls from keeping the tv on another hour. second, though the show is purportedly “about” topics that read as exclusive to men (cars, rock, violence), there’s an obvious appeal to people attracted to men in its casting choices and the way its shot. like jensen didn’t do that fucking titantic necklace ad because he’s the epitome of masculinity, he did it because he was an androgynous dicaprio-type cutie! sure, his look may have been aspirational to teenage boys wanting that same type of attention, but again, there’s no way to prevent women from getting it directly from the source! and for all the show claims to tell us about the single man tear stoicism of it all, dean cries like a little bitch. because he’s not the action hero, not at first! he’s a scared kid who was forced to grow up. and sam’s fucking dean from gilmore girls! he’s got the bangs and the goofy smile! these aren’t the guys the women watching wanted protecting them, they were guys they wanted to provide comfort. and the camera plays into it! as our good friend sheila o’malley puts it, jensen and jared “are objectified in a way usually reserved for female stars.” you can discuss this in terms of a male objectification fantasy, there’s a wonderful post out there equating the compromising positions sam and dean find themselves in on hunts to a sort of bodice-ripper erotic thrill in being taken control of, but that only provides more space for the comfort fantasy. and this is nothing to say of just being interested in the genre! that the attention of female fans is devalued and assumed to have less complexity than the relationship men have to their beloved works. which is CRAZY because lgbt fans and women in fandom are the entire reason supernatural even made it this far! yes, there are swaths of “regular” people at home who watched supernatural in a non-obsessive way, but they weren’t the reason the show saw a 27 percent increase in its audience over the ninth season. that’s passionate fans, and fan communities encouraging passionate fans of other things to join them. supernatural might not have explicitly wanted these fans, but they are the reason for its success at almost any stage of the show’s airing and, while they may have been creating fanwork outside the bounds of the text, their reasons for coming to the show were not invented. what gets me riled up about “fan fiction” is I enjoy 99% of it, the one thing I can’t stand being the suggestion that what the fans are doing is based on a reading of the show the text itself doesn’t support. the text supports it because YOU put it there! just like you put everything else there that already made the show appeal to people outside the “target” audience! all of which is to say. I don’t know who the fuck supernatural was meant for. I don’t really care except in the moments it illuminates something within the text for me or when this idea is wielded effectively in the “ring ring! eric!” type jabs on here. because the show had the audience it had! it didn’t have any other! it took all that fucking con money and continues to do so, I don’t think there’s any better metric than cold hard cash.

[magdaclaire]

claire taking a field trip to heaven and confronting her parents because she’s still angry. she wants to forgive and she wants to forget but she’s still fucking mad and her little brother (gender goddamn neutral, but jacky is her brother and they light up like the goddamn sun whenever she says it) is god, so that means she gets what she wants. she goes and they’re so fucking happy to see her, and her mother hugs her just like she did when claire found her half dying and gave her stab wound (not that claire gave it to her herself, but how long would that grigori have kept her if claire hadn’t intervened? is it her fault both of her parents are dead?) and claire just wants to sink into it all over again. hi mom. mommy. she had said. she told herself (and sam and cas and dean and god and everybody) that she was gonna yell and scream and throw a fit as soon as she found her mom.

it’s so hard to remember that when they look so happy to see her.

her daddy’s gentle hands on her shoulders and his smile that looks nothing like castiel’s and she’s always had that thought in the back of her head that if daddy had gotten the chance to try and fix things like cas tried, maybe he would have tried the same way. less felonies, maybe, less murder, but maybe he would have told her about her potential and taken her to a safe place and given her a family. maybe he woulda lost faith like cas had (like he had started to, but god, he still said yes, and it was cause of her). maybe he woulda started hunting with her. he was pretty good at spotting demons.

instead, she doesn’t even know if they’re going to accept her for having a girlfriend and she doesn’t even know why she wants their acceptance, but she’s standing there and she knows that jacky would come get her in less than a second if she even thought loud enough, but god.

god.

she wants to be brave. she wants to say what she means. she wants to be proud. she wants to be a lot of things.

her daddy wraps his arm around her shoulders like he knows what she looks like when she doesn’t know what to do, like he’s been there for the past ten years of her not knowing a goddamn thing, and claire can’t help it when she bursts into tears. her mommy and her daddy collect around her like they’re the bats magda’s been reading about lately hanging upside down, protecting their baby from the wind, but they already know; she’ll fall out of the tree eventually. the baby falls down to earth. the bough breaks.

“i like girls.” and she says it like she’s ashamed and she hasn’t been ashamed of herself in years. she and magda have worked on being proud together and being proud of each other, worked on the kind of shame only people of god can give you, weeding it out from within themselves like tilling an old garden back to new. it’s acrid and old, this shame that isn’t hers in a heaven that belongs to her parents, this house that she hasn’t seen since she was a little girl.

“what’s her name?” amelia asks, fingers carding through the unbraided side of her hair like claire hasn’t told her something that would rock her perception of her perfect daughter, of their perfect family.

“what?”

“you never used to tell us anything until you were knee deep in it, bub. what’s her name?” jimmy asks. bub. claire heaves a sob, gives herself one more moment of mourning for the childhood that she never got to have, and pulls herself together. she breathes in.

“her name is magda.”

[norahastuff]

Another thing about 5x16 that I didn’t mention in the last post, is the romanticisation of Mary. S12 does a lot of work in tearing down the perfect sainted mother image, but the seeds of that are there in this episode. I mean the ideal of Mary hasn’t been torn down yet (though finding out she was a hunter who made a demon deal did put a dent in it) but one thing that is addressed is the myth that John and Mary were this perfect, perpetually happy couple. 

SAM: Dad always said they had the perfect marriage.

DEAN: It wasn’t perfect until after she died

And neither was Mary. The things Dean thinks he knew about her, how much of that was his own unreliable memories and how much was John painting a sanitised picture of the woman that she was? I mean finding Mary’s killer became John’s crusade so it’s no wonder that he turned her into a saint, which she really wasn’t. Believing that was part of what messed up Dean’s perceptions of relationships and what he expected of the people he loved, lest we forget that one leviathan pretending to be Dean’s astute observation that he “doesn't have relationships. No, he has applications for sainthood.”

This was in s7, and was a big part of why the most recent tragedy he’s just gone through, Cas/Godstiel/Leviathans, has shaken him so much. Sure losing Cas hurt, but it’s also the guilt at not being able to see what was really going on with him and not being able to save him that’s eating away at him. And why couldn’t he see that? Because Cas occupied a certain role in his mind. Despite their fighting and feeling like he was being abandoned by Cas throughout s6, ultimately Cas was still the larger than life badass hero who turned his back on heaven and everything he believed in to fight by Dean’s side and help save the world, and when Cas was knocked off that pedestal Dean had him on, it shook his worldview so profoundly but was ultimately a good thing, because it laid the foundation for Dean being able to see Cas a person. A flawed real person who was just trying to do his best, and that was what led to them being able to develop a very different kind of relationship, one that was on much more equal footing than what they’d had before. 

The same is true for Dean and Mary in s12. That’s why Amara brings Mary back to life. In Dean’s eyes Mary has been this sainted figure, this martyr and yet also someone whose death took away his innocence and forced him to give up on his own needs and happiness because he had to step into her role after she died. So there was always this weird dichotomy of “she’s perfect and good and I will never live up to that kind of perfection” as well as “I’m angry at her for leaving me to pick up all the pieces and having to give up my sense of self” which undoubtedly led to even more confusion for Dean, because how do you resent a saint? Honestly Bobo did such a good job writing that Dean and Mary confrontation in 12x22, it was an arc that had to pay off years of character development and managed to do it so well, so kudos to him on that. 

Mary’s real and not perfect, and yet Dean loves her anyway. It means that unattainable goal of perfection Dean always hated himself for not being able to reach...well maybe he didn’t have to. Things weren’t black and white, people weren’t just saints or sinners.

Also the whole “Sam thinking Mary and John had the perfect marriage because of stories he’d heard” thing  brings up the of idea of preserving your kids innocence out of love. Sam has a lot of different stories and ideas about his childhood and history, some told by John and never corrected by Dean, because Dean wanted Sam to be a kid as long as he could and if he could protect Sam in any way, he would. 

It’s something that comes up over and over again, and not just with Sam and Dean. How about in 10x20 when Dean sees how hurt and upset Claire still is with Cas? Dean defends him and tells her because of her father’s sacrifice “Cas was able to save the world. The world.” That’s not the whole truth, Cas definitely helped but Dean made it sound like he did it alone, because that’s how he wanted Claire to see Cas, and to understand him (also the original line was that Cas helped save the world, but Jensen being Jensen knew Dean would talk Cas up more than that.) 

I was going to say Sam does it too with Jack, but that one is a little complicated. When he’s trying to bond with Jack by telling him about his own struggles with morality and demon blood, he talks about how his family, Dean and Cas, were there for him. I mean arguably that’s not true at all if you take s4 in to account, Cas was being brainwashed by heaven into actually encouraging Sam’s addiction and descent, but then he is there for Sam in s5. But Sam’s not about to tell Jack about how Cas was a flawed person with a complicated history. In fact at the start of s13, Cas is essentially in the s1 Mary role. He’s the perfect untouchable martyr, his death broke Dean (and also led to Dean whitewashing a lot of the reasons behind what actually caused Cas’ death) and left a profound hole in Jack’s life. 

But luckily this wasn’t s1. Cas didn’t stay the idealised martyr, he was brought back. 

Oh and Cas has done the “whitewash the truth for your son” thing multiple times the most significant is the one I remember a lot of people were angry about back when 14x02 aired, in which Cas tells Jack about when he was human  “I had Sam and Dean. But I had something else that was extremely helpful. I had myself. Just the basic me, as, uh...as Dean would say, without all the bells and whistles.”

Some people were annoyed that Cas said he had Sam and Dean, because Dean had kicked him out of the bunker and he was left to fend for himself. Thing is there were extenuating circumstances which Dean repeatedly apologised for and which Cas understood and forgave. Besides he did have them. Dean tried to protect him from the angels. He told him to go to the bunker. They saved him from the reaper. Dean saved him from the angel who tried to kill him. So sure, despite all that, Dean did leave him out on his own but again, Cas isn’t going to reveal all that messy hurtful history to Jack. He wants to protect him and for him to see the best in Dean. It’s what parents do.

Thing is, unlike John, Sam, Dean and Cas didn’t tell any of those somewhat edited truths in order to get Claire or Jack to join their revenge missions or enable their crusades, they did it because that’s what they knew was best for them in that moment and because it’s what they needed to hear. 

Anyway, the point is that Dark Side of the Moon is such a crucial episode for Sam, Dean and Cas and I love how much of the characters’ core traits and struggles it manages to address in such a nuanced way (see also Sam and Dean’s relationship as well as Dean and Cas’ individual relationships with faith as well as their joint relationship with it.)

[tasteslikemolecules]

13 and 25!

13) Arc: Your favourite arc. Get specific!

My shitty Philosophy major impulse is to ask “But what is an arc, really?” but simultaneously my brain went “Hallucifer! Demon Blood! Ruby!”

If an arc can be understood as something really broad and unintentional, something that most viewers don’t necessarily perceive as a “narrative“ at all, then it’s got to be Sam’s mental health (deterioration) and his self perception over the course of the show. That's how I watch SPN most of the time, as a story about a young angry and conflicted man who keeps trying to keep up his hope against all odds, while getting traumatized over and over again, and in an attempt to keep his hope, he changes what he hopes for (from having a normal life to saving the world to just keeping Dean happy etc) until he gets older and stagnates and gives up asking for anything but keeping the status quo for himself and averting further crisis for others. It's all very closely connected to his relationship with Dean – although of course his major traumatizing event is the Cage – and how Sam goes from trying to escape their unhealthy obsession with another, to accepting and nurturing it, to relying on it and identifying through it. I'm not sure how much this is an arc or simple my framing of the whole show, but it is my main reason for obsessively watching.

As for more intentional arcs I'm torn between Ruby & the demon blood addiction (and all that meant to Sam and Dean's relationship) and everything connected to Lucifer: from Sam being his vessel, to the Cage to the hallucinations and finally to adopting his son.

Ruby's story line was one of the few of the show that was actually well-executed from beginning to end, which made it compelling and entertaining to watch, but – and now I'm going back to Sam's mental state in a more general sense – I'm mainly obsessed with it because of how both her and the demon blood and Lucifer exemplified Sam's struggle with himself and the 'darkness' within him. How the otherness in him isn’t bad or good, but just is.  15. Favourite episode.

Baby (11.04) Beat the Devil (13.21) Red Meat (11.17) Lost and Found (13.01) When The Levee Breaks (4.21)

An impossible question that I will doubtlessly still spend a lot of time agonizing over, but the first episode I thought of was “When The Levee Breaks“. I re-read the script last night and even without the visuals and Jared's great acting, I got that same feeling of urgency and excitement. It's right before the climax of the season and is imo the most anticipatory episode of the show: You just know big things are coming. It feels important. 

I love every second of that episode. The panic room is one of the most horifiying things on the show and it's bizarre that the horror of putting Sam there is never really adressed later on (but I guess there were other horrors to put him through that took priority not being addressed). I love how Sam-centric the episode is, but the horror of watching Dean and Bobby sitting there waiting, talking about the likelihood of Sam's death, is also amazing. It’s an episode about Sam, but also an episode about SamandDean in a really pivotal way. 

DEAN No. I'm not giving him demon blood. I won't do it. BOBBY And if he dies? DEAN Then at least he dies human!

Sam’s hallucinations Sam while he detoxes are both so brutal and telling. Every conversation he imagines raises the stakes, from his younger self attacking him to Mary reassuring him that he's doing the right thing.

YOUNG SAM How could you do this to me? I thought we were gonna be normal. SAM I tried. I did. It didn't pan out that way. Sorry, kid. YOUNG SAM 'Sorry, kid'? That's what you have to say? It's all we ever wanted. We were so close. You got away from Dad. You quit hunting. You were gonna become a lawyer and get married. Why'd you blow it? SAM Look. They killed Jessica. YOUNG SAM Yeah. And if you hadn't run off with Dean, if you'd been there to protect her, she'd still be alive. SAM I know. YOUNG SAM You think Jess would want you to turn into this? She loved you. You think she'd be happy you using her as an excuse? SAM I'm sorry. I am. But life doesn't turn out the way you thought when you were fourteen years old. We were never gonna be normal. We were never gonna get away. Grow up. YOUNG SAM Maybe you're right. Maybe there's no escape. After all, how can you run from what's inside you?

That's such a pivotal moment: Sam's resignation to his fate. Sam blaming himself for Jessica's death and seeing it as a result of leaving with Dean. I also loooove that young Sam calls it 'running off' with Dean, the romantic connotations are A+.

SAM What's in me, Mom, it's— MARY Evil. And you know it. SAM What if it's stronger than me? Look at me. What if Dean's right? MARY Dean can never know how strong you are, because Dean is weak. Look at what he's done to you. Locking you in here? He's terrified. He's in over his head. You have to go on without him. You have what it takes. You have to kill Lilith. SAM Even if it kills me.

Chills down my spine. What an inside into Sam's head. Him admitting to himself that he thinks Dean is too weak to do what's necessary, something we don't get to see post-Lucifer. I love how clearly Dean and Sam work as antagonists in this episode (even when they're clearly struggling with it). This is the only time the show didn't shy away from it. But it makes sense, that it's only here, when Sam can still muster up enough belief in himself that he's doing the right thing to go against Dean (compare that to later seasons when he goes along with Dean even knowing full well that Dean is wrong).

And then the final straw when he thinks he’s talking to Dean who says “And I tried so hard to pretend that we were brothers. That you weren't one of the filthy things that we hunt. But we're not even the same species. You're nothing to me.” I feel that in my gut. 

I love the Ruby and Sam reunion just as much. Her perfect manipulation, his desperation. And then the big finale of Dean appearing. I can never get over that visceral hate he has for Ruby for ‘stealing his Sammy’. The hurt he feels when Sam defends her and won’t let him kill her. And while Sam doesn’t want to make it about Ruby vs Dean, Dean definitely sees it as a complete either or situation. 

SAM Stop bossing me around, Dean. Look. My whole life, you take the wheel, you call the shots, and I trust you because you are my brother. Now I'm asking you, for once, trust me. DEAN No. 

That fight they’re having is up there with the best ones in the whole show. The hurt on both sides. The crying. The “It means you're a monster.” Dean’s reenacting of John’s “You walk out that door, don't you ever come back.” 

I think the only thing (apart from the overly dramatic music at the end) I don’t like about the episode is the aftermath. The implication that because Ruby was manipulating Sam, Sam was in the wrong all along. I really don’t see it that way. Given the info he had, he was right. The episode asks “who is right: Sam or Dean?” and answers with Dean, and I don’t think it’s that clear cut. I would have done the same as Sam. 

[ah-ah-ah]

the “oh” moment

You know that moment in fanfics when Dean finally understands what Cas feels for him? And before anything else, his first reaction, like the soft, adorable man that he is, is just, “oh..” Well, kudos to all the fanfic writers who wrote it like that because obviously, Jensen agrees because he does it. But I don’t think it’s the same “oh” moment as what’s in the fics. It doesn’t happen because he realizes Cas is in love with him or he’s in love with Cas. It happens when he finally sees himself in a positive light. It’s Dean letting go of the invulnerable, angry, worthless version of himself he’s clung to in order to be John’s son and soldier, to be Sammy’s caregiver, to survive hell, to stop the apocalypse, to protect his family, to save the world. He lets go of that and lets himself see something else. Dean doesn’t literally say “oh,” but it’s the face of the “oh” moment, you know, because Jensen doesn’t have to use words to express Dean. He has eyebrows and smolder-y eyes and all the million different ways his lips twitch and that jaw thing and insane control over his tear ducts and and and... So it’s not the actual word “oh,” but the moment is there. Cas is like, "you think you're all these bad things, but actually, you did it all for love, and I see that, that's who you are," and Dean's FACE, he like furrows his eyebrows and looks kind of down, like he's realizing something, it’s there! Just this sweet, soft “oh...” And I can't decide if he's catching a glimpse of himself through Cas' eyes and realizing what other people see in him and actually accepting that, like, "oh... yeah, that is who I am," OR (and I like this idea better) if he already knew that about himself WAY WAY deep down, he just didn't know or believe anybody else saw it, so when Cas tells him that he does, it's like Dean's hearing this very specific external validation for the first time for a belief in himself that he's kept buried and hidden away beneath a bunch of self doubt and self hatred, and he's like, "oh... it's real, that really is who I am, Cas can see it. Cas can see me." And he would trust Cas' perception of him more than others because Cas isn’t family, Cas doesn’t need anything from him. He’s never had to take care of Cas like he has others, never had to be anything other than himself with Cas. So to Dean, hearing this from Cas, the one person besides Sam who has always put him first, it’s proof that it’s real. It has to be because Cas had no reason to choose him over heaven, no reason to stand by him for all this time, no other reason to keep choosing DEAN over and over again unless Cas just wanted to and why would he want to UNLESS he truly believes in him, unless he truly sees Dean as everything he describes him to be in that moment. And if Castiel, angel of the lord, selfless, caring, kind, strong, truly good CAS can think THAT about him even after everything Cas has seen him do, then it must be something worth believing in, HE must be somebody worth believing in, and all he has for that revelation is “oh...” Yeah, that's the "oh" moment I can't get over.

[dotthings]

So let’s talk about Cas’s issues, and how they hit that nerve of Dean’s insecurities. 

I feel like Dean’s personal issues get discussed a lot (by myself included), both from a Dean-positive take and from the pressure placed on this character in a more negative way. There’s a lot of expectation placed on Dean as a character and ironically enough, in that process I feel like even Cas fans don’t do enough digging into what makes Cas tick, what his weak points are, his fears, his cyclical dysfunctional hang-ups. Cas is a layered, complicated, well-developed character with a now 12 season history on the show, as a main character, even if he is less prominent than Sam and Dean, and as such this means there are flaws as well as goodness in him. It does Cas a disservice to paint him as never wrong, as never causing hurt to those he loves. I’m not speaking as a Dean fan here, but as a Cas fan, this just isn’t about fairness to Dean, I feel there is an actual imbalance in how these discussions tend to go and it’s kind of a habitual tendency in the fandom. In part fueled by the fact that Dean is so open with his feelings, shows that he feels things SO hard and so deeply, that’s the character, and that kind of makes Dean a lightning rod to talk about Dean feelings, good or bad.

Canonically, Cas tends to get less pov due to structure, when Cas isn’t in every ep of a season and where SPN structurally puts Sam and Dean as the center spokes of the wheel, no matter how near the center Cas is of that show wheel. Cas has become another core pillar--Dabb referred to Cas along with Dean as a “core character” in his pre 15.09 interview. But because logistically, Dean still carries more pov on the show, we get more looks into Dean’s mind than into Cas’s. Which isn’t as great for Dean fans as you might think because by SPN not giving more Cas pov, it’s putting more and more of the responsibility for making the profound bond work onto Dean and Dean’s pov. While Cas has contributed plenty to this rift that developed.

There’s also the thing about the fandom default perception is that Dean is repressed emotionally. Which, sure, in many respects, yeah. But not in the way it’s popularized in fandom. Dean is actually the more facile, open, raw, vulnerable in expression of his emotions, with big outbursts, of hurt/anger or softness. He goes big. He expresses. He cries easily. He doesn’t exactly hide. He wears his heart on his sleeve. But because Dean is also a character who constructed facades to survive, he puts on facades and one facade is "no chick flick moments.” A facade I’ve pointed out again and again he’s terrible at maintaining, nonetheless it is real and he can be gruff and he does at times try to hide from his own feelings, and avoid, and struggles not to say stuff and then it gets out anyway. But he’s also very openly emotional.

While Cas is actually far more locked up emotionally as a character. Far more repressed than Dean. Look at his background. Millennia as an angel. Shoved back through the angel reprogramming machine every time he displayed an independent thought. Angels have emotions. They are not unfeeling. But they are taught emotions are weaknesses. They are a taint. They are dangerous. A lot of Cas’s arcing over the past 11 years has been about learning what emotions are and how to manage them. Even if we remove that factor, Cas also has a personality of his own, as a character, and is a survivor of trauma and abuse, as Dean is. Cas, like Dean, carries a lot of anger.

Cas is impulsive. Sometimes heedless. Ironically, he often pulls Dean back from heedlessness. But he has that tendency and Cas’s heedlessness tends to result in cosmic level events (leviathans unleashed, angels falling). He has a temper. He will end you if you hurt those he loves. Cas in the past has shown a hubris about how he has to fix all the things because these frail humans he loves can’t, Dean’s “just a man,” and while Cas definitely outgrew that, there are remnants still there. Which isn’t JUST hubris. Cas, being an abuse and torture survivor, being a survivor of emotional neglect, similarly to Dean, also has, similarly to Dean, this thing about needing a mission, a purpose. He needs to be needed. And if he isn’t serving a purpose, if he feels he isn’t being useful, then he feels worthless. The Dean corollary to that is Dean’s lack of self worth in what his father instilled in him--that he has no purpose, no mission, outside of protect Sam, and the hunt.

This need for purpose and Cas’s insecurities powered a lot of his arc with Jack. Cas’s relationship with Dean evolved over time. They didn’t stay just the same. In some ways the bond equalized in good ways, but as part of that, Cas was no longer the “Winchesters’ guardian” of early Cas seasons. That role gave Cas purpose. As Cas drew deeper and deeper into the family, as his character developed and he increasingly got his own arcs, which are all good things, that also meant Cas wondered what his purpose is.

Protecting Jack gave him purpose. A mission. Someone to look after. His relationship with Dean isn’t that. That hit a height with “draped yourself in the flag of Heaven” at the end of S9. By S11 the focus shifted to Dean’s drive to save Cas. Dean and Cas’s relationship is that of peers, fellow soldiers, friends, and yes, on a coded level that’s been harder and harder to ignore in later seasons, lovers/husbands. 

Cas devoting himself all to Dean wasn’t sustainable. Just as Dean couldn’t perpetually be all about Sam, but while Dean and Cas are more peers/husbands role, Dean is Sam’s stand-in parent. Dean was parentified at the age of four. Sam as recently in 15.09 says Dean raised him. Sam knows his actual father figure is Dean, not Bobby, not John. There’s a whole lot about Sam and Dean’s relationship that made a lot more sense to me once I kept that in mind, that symbolically they were parent/child not just siblings/hunting partners. (Their codependency added another complication into the mix) That is not the relationship Dean and Cas have ever had. They are protective of each other. But it’s not a pseudo parent-child relationship. Nor are they codependent. But Dean always had a Sam, while Cas...did not have a Sam. Dean wasn’t his Sam, once he found a Dean. Dean was something else entirely. Not less, but different.

Enter Jack and while I was resistant to that arc initially, in the long game I can see multiple overarching purposes for the story. One of them is Cas’s character development. While the Cas and Jack bond isn’t just like Sam and Dean’s, and I’m not suggesting it is, it has that similar pseudo parent-child aspect. Jack is all of Team Free Will’s kid, but I think the way Jack impacted Cas’s arc made the most seismic shifts. 

The thing about this S15 rift with Dean and Cas is that it’s not really about Dean’s existential crisis about “realness.” It’s not actual about Mary or Jack or that freakin’ snake. Well, it is...I’m not suggesting Dean had no valid reason to be hurt and upset with Cas. That is real. But this was ramped up as a culmination of years of issues. It mashed Dean’s buttons so hard because these are reflective of cyclical behaviors that come from Cas and it hurts Dean every time. Underlying all that, maybe subtextually, Dean’s doubts about realness played into it here as well. But the doubts, fears, insecurities, and hurts Dean feels about Cas are there regardless. Chuck applied pressure points to hasten the rift. To rip them apart because that serves his purpose but all he did was play on their actual insecurities and feelings and then watch them dance to his tune. 

One of Dean and Cas’s issues has been things that have been there a long time, in the relationship, where Dean’s chronic issues play on Cas’s insecurities and Cas’s chronic issues play on Dean’s insecurities. There’s a bunch I could reel off. Dean’s abandonment issues vs. Cas’s tendency to keep things from Dean, not turn to Dean, not trust Dean, for one. This is something Cas has done for years, long before Jack, and it hurt Dean then and it hurt Dean now. Just for example.

I feel like what happened late S14/early S15 is that all these long running issues they never addressed came crashing down on the bond at once. 

The things that are Cas’s issues, Cas hasn’t talked much about. Cas doesn’t talk about his innermost emotional landscape the way Dean does. Sometimes he does speak his feelings, but I wish he’d do it more often. 

The things Cas has done in the past that hit on Dean’s abandonment issues all got ramped up with Jack. And it happened more than once. Why is Dean so hurt. Look at how he responds to Cas keeping things from him, or to losing Cas, or to Cas not reaching out to Dean, trusting Dean enough to go to him in the past. How hard that has been on Dean. Take your pick of plots. Cas teaming up with Crowley. Cas and the monster souls. Cas running off with the angel tablet. 

With Jack there was a string of events. It wasn’t just the one thing. This isn’t my condemnation of Cas or because I don’t get Cas’s motivations and good intentions. Or about Cas being right/wrong. Right or wrong, his actions still hurt Dean. Being a parent added such a completely new layer into Team Free Will bonds, the TFW familial unit shifted. Change can be hard on a relationship anyway.

Quick recap of the sequence of events with Cas and Jack: it was Cas slipping away from Dean as Cas devoted himself to a nephilim in embryo. When Cas bonded with Jack’s grace in the womb. When Dean said he didn’t recognize Cas. There was Cas’s belief in the vision Jack showed him. It was Kelly giving Cas a mission to protect her son. Cas, like Dean, feels a strong sense of duty. Remember Dean’s S2 speech when Sam died? How Dean expressed the depth of his sense of failure? “I had one job, to keep you safe.” And by the end of S14, Cas lost Jack. He had one job. To keep Jack safe.

Cas pretty much thinks he’s worthless without that, same as Dean.

So there’s Cas, taken by Kelly after Dean was begging him--begging him--to return to the bunker with them so they could talk. While Kelly effectively prevented Cas from taking the action he might have done of his own volition since she drove off in the Impala with Cas still inside it and he couldn’t stop the car without hurting her and her unborn child, the element of choice there is murky. But Cas did choose to protect Jack. He did choose to knock out Sam and Dean at the playground. There’s Dean, as he has in prior seasons, seeing Cas walking away again. 

Then it happens again. Cas heedlessly goes after Lucifer, when he should have waited, Cas was so focused on his Jack mission, and as a result, Lucifer stabs Cas dead, right in front of Dean’s eyes. So Dean loses Cas again, and audience gets to see Dean is utterly devastated (but Cas doesn’t). 

But then Dean gets Cas back! His big win...which Dean confesses to Sam but again, Cas doesn’t get to hear it. And then right after getting Cas back, Cas is running off again, due to Jack. Dean begs Cas--BEGS HIM--let me come along, you need backup and Cas says no. Because Cas has to fix all the things himself. So Cas gets kidnapped and locked in an angel proof cell. Dean doesn’t even know he’s lost Cas this time due to voice mimicky plot, but there it is again, Dean loses Cas, again for Jack. Then Cas keeps that detail about Felix the snake from Dean, which wasn’t right for Cas to do, to be so secretive. Whatever his intentions, no that wasn’t right, and it goes right back to Cas’s tendencies shown in earlier seasons. To fix the thing himself. Anael calls Cas on it, even. His fears. Which leads to Cas finally going to Sam and Dean with the information. Cas apologizes and confesses, explains in a rare moment of us actually getting to see inside Cas’s emotional landscape that he was scared what Jack losing his soul would do to tear this TFW family apart. What Cas would lose because of that. A hella lot of that is about Dean, not just TFW or Jack. 

None of this has ever been Cas not caring about Dean. Cas was there for Dean in S14. He fought to save Dean, first from Michael, then the Ma’lek box. But Dean and Cas don’t exist in a profound bond bubble.

Dean doesn’t even know yet that Cas sold himself to The Empty to save Jack midway through S14. Should we start screaming now?

So after Cas’s confession and apology late in S14 about what Jack did to the snake that Cas didn’t clue in Sam and Dean about, Mary is dead, because of soulless Jack, and all hell breaks loose with Jack, and Dean believes the only way out of this with soulless Jack is to kill soulless Jack. Cas doesn’t agree. Dean delivers an ultimatum, my way or the highway and who cares what you think (bad move, Dean). So to save Jack and Dean, because if Dean shot Jack with Chuck’s gun, it would kill Dean too, Cas runs off to get to Jack first. 

From Dean’s perspective he’s seing Cas’s back again, leaving him again. Losing Cas again.

Think about how this steps on the same nerves as Cas’s vanishing acts in earlier seasons, or Cas walking into the lake, or Cas staying behind in Purgatory when Dean did everything he could to save him. Think about Dean’s abandonment issues. Think about how Dean’s abandonment issues and this repeat cycle of Cas’s inherent tendency to not get that he should loop his family into things, that he can’t fix it all on his own, of leaving, even if he always comes back. And no we can’t blame Cas for the times he left when he didn’t want to, when something happened to Cas, but when he vanished into the lake in 7.01, when he insisted on staying behind in Purgatory in S8, when he heedlessly went pell mell after Lucifer--Dean losing Cas was a direct result of Cas’s choices. Where Cas put himself into a position where Dean lost him. 

This has happened again...and again. Imagine the heart-crushing heartbreaking panic for Dean during their Purgatory revisit when Cas disappeared. It’s Dean having to relive his Cas trauma. Because guess what, Dean loves Cas a lot. I don’t know how this even became in question in fandom, it continues to utterly baffle me. 

So it’s not really about Jack though. I’m not blaming the Jack storyline for this. What happened was the Jack storyline brought those issues to a boiling point. Cas’s insecurities and drive to have a mission. Dean’s abandonment issues clashing with Cas’s running off again. Repeatedly. 

What’s going to happen when Dean finds out about The Empty deal, and not just the deal itself but the fact Cas kept that, too, from him. I don’t think it will be rage this time. Not after 15.09. It will however, I suspect, be utterly devastating for Dean...maybe this time he won’t snap at Cas, he’ll just say how devastating it is, before he and Sam get to work on a solution. And Cas will have to witness how devastating it is. Cas hearing Dean’s prayer in 15.09 is such a big deal and I really really hope this hit Cas hard and woke him up to some things. Because with all of Cas’s particular insecurities, despite the fact that Dean has repeatedly shown Cas directly how much he matters, there’s also been plenty audience gets to see (Cas is family/Dean’s grief arc/Cas is a big win) that Cas hasn’t. Cas hearing Dean’s prayer here I think will change things. Cas won’t be the same. Dean won’t be the same. The bond won’t be the same. In a good way. 

15.09 didn’t feel like resolution to me, and I’m glad Dabb confirmed that in his pre ep interview. It felt like ice melting, barriers crumbling. That’s good. It’s a start. That will help them with what’s next. But they have so much to work through still. Because their problems aren’t just from recent plot events, or Chuck. These tap into some fundamental things about them each that affects their bond. I’ve been saying this since before the end of S14, this isn’t hear to destroy their bond, it’s to level it up. It’s to deepen it, to fix what’s been amiss at the root and realize it into something even more powerful.

I need Cas to speak, not just Dean. Not just for my ship but for the character, I need more looks into Cas’s inner emotional landscape and how he feels about his own insecurities and I’d love to see an equally big confession about his Dean feelings.

[kickingitwithkirk]

A Kiss Upon Your Shoulder

Pairing: Alpha!Sam Winchester x Omega!Trouble Lacroix (OFC)

WC:3536

Warnings: 18 + only: kissing, humping M/F, intercourse, cursing, mention of addiction, angst

A/N: For @saxxxology #saxxxology vol.1 writing challenge

SONG PROMPT: Off My Mind-my favorite on the album

A/N: Set season 14 during Dean Winchester's possession by Apocalypse World's Micheal. Timeline extended and some events altered from series. I borrowed title from song lyrics.

*no beta- all mistakes are mine.

*GIF not mine

The sound of the bunker door closing reverberates through the room.

Several of the hunters around the map table stop what they're doing to watch an unusually tall Omega with long, smoky pink hair braided in a loose plait and wearing hunters garb descend the metal staircase halting at its bottom.

Sam Winchester is sitting at the far end of the table alternating between his phone receiving updates from hunters out in the field and the laptop looking for clues in the search for Dean while strategizing with Mary and Bobby their next move froze disbelieving his eyes.

“Sammy,” the Omega hesitantly says, her lightly accented voice startles him out of his stupor.

Batten down the hatches Sammy boy, Trouble just done walked back into my life… Dean used those exact words years ago introducing him to this Omega, never knowing how true they would turn out to be.

But not for him.

Sam's eyes shift into a fiery glow as his inner Alphas outrage surfaces at this imposter trying to pass itself as his long gone Omega.

“What fucking game are you playing at?” Sam gets up growling, stalking towards her pulling his demon blade.

“Sam wait!” Mary hollers at her youngest son knowing all too well the damage Sam can inflict under normal circumstances but in the state of extreme stress he’s currently under doesn’t want him to do anything he’ll regret.

The Apocalypse World hunters glance at each other perplexed having never before seeing an enraged Alpha, unsure what they should do.

After their arrival to this reality Sam gave them a crash course on life here, including the multiple genders of humans, Alpha/Beta/Omega, their confusing hierarchies and how they relate to each other.

The Alpha/Omega intricacies and nuances were still hard for them to comprehend since all of them were Betas.

The Omega cast her eyes down in deference to the large Alpha. “I'm here abo...” she doesn't finish speaking as he wraps his hand around her throat, slamming her back against a support column. She seizes his wrist as her eyes snap up meeting his glaring back before tilting her head as far as she can to the right exposing more of her throat.

Sam cautiously leans in, running his nose along her neck. The unique scent of winter, perceptible only to the Alpha under the scent blockers she’s used triggers memories he’s diligently repressed to keep this Omega off his mind come flooding back. The blade clatters loudly on the floor in the now silent room.

Wrapping his arms around her nuzzling into the curve of her neck he sucks on that spot he knows drives her crazy. Biting her lip she tangles her fingers in his long hair drawing him back up, running her tongue over his lips seeking entrance that he grants swirling his tongue around hers.

Someone's wolf whistling snaps them out of acting couple newly presented teens caught by their parents being very naughty.

“Hmm, not sorry,” she whispers nibbling on Sam’s ear making him quiver.

“Behave,” Sam mutters back taking a deep breath and subtlety adjusting himself before turning around to deal with everyone's reactions, not really ready to answer the inevitable questions.

Scenting his anxiety she twines their hands together offering a reassuring squeeze.

They’ve drawn quite a large audience from the library and adjoining hallways. People are elbowing each other grinning, whispering among themselves about their Chiefs and strange woman's reactions to each other then necking in front of everyone.

Mary stands there, arms crossed with the patented mom’s not amused look.

Sam huffs out an embarrassed laugh. “Everyone this is Trouble Lacroix, she’s my...she's an old friend.”

“I’m just an old friend after everything I went through for you?” Trouble snaps and Sam growls a warning at her tone but fuck it, she was right.

When Dean introduced them they were both junkies. Sam drugs of choice were demon blood and the power it gave him. Trouble’s was whatever made her forget her hunter fathers dominance over her as an Omega.

By the time they both got clean Sam found he could love again and she had learned to trust the Alpha in him wouldn't hurt her like others had. Sam swore during his next rut he would claim her as his Omega.

A week before he said yes to Lucifer and the subsequent showdown at Stull Cemetery he went into rut.

At their secret rendezvous, an old hunters cabin in Arkansas with his rut over Sam hadn’t claimed her, saying he couldn’t damn her, that this was his last chance to, unlike Jess, save her from certain death.

Trouble stood at the cabins window overlooking a small lake silently crying, unable to respond. The Alpha scented her sadness wanted nothing more than to comfort his Omega but all he could do was to kiss her shoulder, as he’d always done before leaving that last time.

Almost a decade later Sam can see the damage his refusals done in her sorrowful eyes.

“You kiss all your old friends like that?” Bobby quipped sarcastically eliciting a few laughs and breaking some of the tension.

“You look like Bobby Singer but you...resonate all wrong,” Trouble remarks as her light colored eyes surveys the others in the room finally coming to rest on Jack. “A Nephilim without Grace?”

“Yes, he is,” Mary answers crossing over to stand next to Jack, “how can you know that?”

Trouble shrugs “I’ve always been able to perceive things that are outside the normal spectrum.”

“You can what?” Maggie asks confused.

“The Omega can see that you’re out of tune with this reality,” Castiel states tipping his head to the side studying her, “she also possess other abilities.”

“I don’t need them to see your a dick.”

“Trouble,” Sam warns knowing she’d picked that up from Dean.

“Sorry, Angel of the Lord.” She half ass apologizes.

“And you suddenly show up here out of nowhere because?” Mary tersely inquires in her Alpha voice. Sam bristles unhappy that another Alpha, even his own mother, thinks they can question the Omega.

Releasing Sam’s hand she steps closer to Mary taking the same stance staring her straight in the eye. “I’ve seen Dean.”

Trouble tells them everything about her encounter with Dean in Nova Scotia, where she’s been the last two months.

They question is why he let her live when he’s killed others he has had contact with, another piece in a puzzle not making sense.

Sam asks her to stay but she turns him down, telling him it's safer for her to keep moving. He counters what better place is there for protection than in the heavily warded bunker?

She reluctantly agrees but only until Dean returns.

Mary makes it vehemently clear it’s problematic having an unclaimed Omega stay.

Sam reminds his mother that he is a mature Alpha, been making his own decisions without her input his whole life and with the daily suppressants he’s taken for years can control his instincts.

That got Mary’s back up, ready to argue with her youngest son, reminding him the Omegas already made the unmated Alpha act out. Bobby pulls her to the side and somehow he convinces her that the Omegas will be an assist in finding Dean. She doesn’t like but relents. Trouble is to stay in Dean's room, his Beta scent will help cover hers more to mollify Sam and a physical space between them for Mary.

Sam's frustrations over having not found Dean yet and his personal anxieties were intermittently fluctuating. The stresses he’s under, hardly eating, barely sleeping a couple hours a day while keeping track of people out on cases and figuring out how to help Jack adapt to not having his powers. Then there’s Nick, the mere mention of his name makes Sam shudder, let alone the traumatic physical and emotional memories dredged up by their face to face interactions.

Thankfully, there hadn’t been any real drama between Mary and Trouble. They’ve avoided each other as much as possible in the bunker.

It was really late or early, depending on how one looked at it, and Sam was still setting in the quiet library, waiting for the last couple of hunters to check in. “Sam, you’ve been here for hours, go to bed.” Trouble softly remarks as she walks up behind him gently running her fingers through his hair.

Sam closes his eyes enjoying her touch. “Just waiting on Maggie and Sharon to check in then I'll go.”

She snorts snagging his phone when it sounds, “Who you lying to? OK, their at the one star for the night. Everyone's accounted for.” Sam reaches for his phone and she dodges typing before handing it back and walking off.

“Cas is what...the hell that’s happening!” Sam gets up going after her.

“Bobby’s idea so go bitch to him mister ‘cause technically your off duty for the next twenty-four hours.” Trouble says unintimidated with him following her fuming, “Your exhausted Sam, you need a break so quit fighting and let us help.”

She stops at the shower-room door. “First, go bathe, you reek Alpha, then meet me in your room.” Sam goes from pissed off to aroused in three seconds. Trouble scents him, “Yeah right, it’s Netflix and chill...” She remarks them gives him a mischievous grin sashaying off.

Sam had been making courting overtures towards her, even though they were on a time limit, hoping he'd be awake long enough to make the most of this opportunity.

After the much needed shower Sam heads to his room in nothing but a low slung towel tosses it with his clothes into the dirty laundry hamper. Trouble came in carrying a tray of food locking the door behind her stops, inhaling sharply at the view of a completely naked Sam. He shivers as her eyes rove over him.

Sam’s not as bulked up as he was a decade ago, a leaner version still possessing a well defined upper body leading down to his flat stomach, the sharp v of his hips and those long legs. And between those legs...Swallowing hard and flushed Trouble moves setting the tray down on his bedside table as he hastily pulls on sweats and a grey t-shirt.

“Your three episodes behind in that series, figured you might want to watch it.” Trouble says grabbing his laptop and crawling onto his bed pulling up what he had been watching. “Have you seen it?” He asks sitting next to her.

“No, first your gonna eat,’ she gestures towards the tray with tomato rice soup, crackers and fruit, “then you can catch me up.”

By episode three Sam had eaten everything on the tray, brushed his teeth and was sacked out. Trouble shut the laptop down and placed it on the desk.

Turning out all the lights but a bedside one she slips back in next to Sam picking up the book she brought from the library. She’d been reading for awhile when Sam rolls over in his sleep, one leg landing between hers, arm draped across her waist and his head on her shoulder nuzzling into her neck murmuring, “back in my bed.”

As consciousness slowly filtered through the haze of extended sleep two things simultaneously get Sam’s attention, the cool scent of the Omega he’s spooning and his morning wood trapped between them.

“Must’a been a good dream,” Trouble yawns rolling onto her stomach, the sheet sliding down reliving her long legs and lower cheeks peeking out under her oversized T-shirt burying her head in the pillow mumbling “I was gonna leave after you fell asleep.”

Running a hand up the back of her thighs he pushes till she parts her legs far enough for him to touch her outer folds feeling how wet she already is before slipping two fingers into her tight channel. Trouble moans as he them slides deeper, making her wriggle against the mattress seeking friction against her clit. Sam crawls over wedging a knee between hers.

“Sam..we..sho..shouldn’t.”

Pulling his fingers out Sam moves straddling her legs, pinning them closed as he sits on her thighs stroking himself, using her slick as lubricant. Grasping her hips he starts rutting his cock between her ass cheeks.

Grunting, Sam shifts picks up momentum and with her under him, even like this, knows he’s not gonna last long. “Fuc..fuck Trouble..gonna cum…” Sam jerks back fisting his cock rapidly, cumming on her before falling forward and catches himself with one hand next to her, breathing hard. With his other hand Sam runs his fingers through his spending's rubbing it across her back.

Trouble pushes up onto her elbows looking back at him, “Dude, are you scent marking me?”

“Maybe.” Sam replies with a smug smile.

“So gross, Alpha.”

Sam was beyond frustrated and feeling sick on his drive back from Atlanta. The rumored sighting of Dean end up being a bust, another one of those crazies he’s sick of wasting his time chasing. Switching off the radio that's making his headache pound harder making him wish he was home already.

Trouble, utilizing her abilities, was able to help eliminate some of bogus reports. Unfortunately, when any of them got to close, Dean disappeared.

The last time she had him, he created some kind of feedback knocking her unconscious. Cas checked her over, telling Sam she would be fine.

When she woke up Trouble tells them she’s seeing Dean doing strange experimentation on different types of monsters using Archangel Grace and it scares the hell out of her.

That was Sam’s breaking point. He stormed through the bunker in full Alpha mode from the infirmary to Deans room, packed her duffel and hauled it to his room. Even Mary knew better than to get in his way this time.

Sam couldn’t get her off his mind anymore now he had her back in his bed. She allowed him hold her whenever they slept together but wouldn’t permit anything else since that morning.

The Lebanon City Limits sign was a welcome sight. Sam was sweating, shaky and just wanting to get home.

He arrived at the bunker wondering what the hell he had caught. Mary greeted him with a hug and frowned catching his scent. Sam played it off, saying the Beta who had one too many hits of the brown acid was ill and he must have caught it.

Another hunter handed him a bowl of soup and bad news about some gypsy vamps attaching truckers. He had them set up checkpoints and sat down to hack the traffic cams. Mary gripped his arm concerned as he’s typing but he says he‘s good. She didn't believe him but doesn’t push knowing he wasn't gonna stop.

Six hours later as he left Nicks room he felt a massive surge go through him, no longer able to ignore what was wrong and it was his own damn fault.

Sam had forgotten his suppressants and for the first time in years was going into rut. He made it to the end of the hall before passing out.

Cas had been by his friends bedside since Sam was found unconscious in one of the hallways days ago. He had been able to temporarily bring Sam's fever down and gave him sedatives to help him rest but with his age not being mated and having gone years without a rut his biology was demanding only cure, his chosen Omega.

Cas had called the Omega only getting her voicemail, left a message and began sending multiple texts.

He explained to Bobby that Mary had to leave the bunker, not only for her safety but the Betas also living there, unsure of how Sam will react to having another Alpha present when his Omega returned. Bobby found a case in Oregon that would occupy them for at least a week.

So Cas continued to do the only thing he could and watches over his friend.

Sam woke groggy from the sedatives to the strong scent of an Omega in heat pulling him to full consciousness.

Rolling onto his side he finds Trouble lying next to him naked, covered in a light sheen of sweat fitfully sleeping.

Moving to spoon her from behind he grips one leg hooking it over his rocking his hips sliding his engorged cock through her dripping folds, Half asleep she whimpers pulling out of his grip, drawing both legs to her chest. Rumbling in discontent Sam scoots behind her again, lines up and buries himself in her tight heat making her moan with pleasure, her cunt stretching around him.

Sam pulls out and hauls Trouble onto her hands and knees spreading her legs wide and sinks back in till his hips are flush against her ass. Feeling her relax around him Sam grasps her waist so tight bruises already forming and growling at the sight of his cock sliding in and out of her slick cunt he starts pounding his hips rapidly.

Trouble reaches out grabbing the headboard to stop Sam from shoving her into it since he has six inches and nearly seventy pounds on her and is running on his instinct to mate.

Sam's knot starts to swell he continues thrusting wildly wrenches her hips up, forcing her to arch her back more as he grunts ramming the now fully engorged knot into her cunt locking them together and falls over her back, rolling his hips as she clenches him cumming.

Sam pushes himself back upright pulling her with him, flush against chest seizes a fistful of her thick hair bends to bite deeply into her neck making Trouble cry out loudly and cum again.

As they counterbalance each other Sam runs his tongue over his mark cleaning off the seeping blood helping the wound seal up faster before shifting to lay them down on the mattress.

Feeling the tug of his knot Trouble clenches tightly around him again, sending another orgasm rippling through Sam, releasing more of his seed into her.

Sam wraps his arms around Trouble, their bodies trembling from the exertion and a feeling of immense peace he’s never had before settles within him. He places a kiss upon her shoulder as it dawns on him he’s finally being to call her his omega.

“It's just every time I think about ya know its a..its like a nightmare. I can't eat, can't sleep, it’s always just there watching.” Dean bitched as they’re walking through the hallways.

“Dean, it’s just a beard, I’ve been a little busy lately” Sam remarks back exasperated and relived to have his brother back giving him a hard time.

“Yeah well, that’s not an excuse ya know, ‘cause a.. Duck Dynasty called and they just they want it all back.”

“Some people say I look good.” Sam proudly states almost telling him why he’s really kept it.

“No..no Sam, no people say that.” Dean shakes his head.

“Duck Dynasty is a step up from Dr. Sexy in some peoples opinions,” Dean turns to counter that insult disbelieving his eyes like Sam did weeks ago.

Trouble’s leaning against the wall now sporting titian tresses that rival Rowena's.

“Good to have you back Dean,” She says giving him a hug, “and I like the beard.” Walking over to Sam she pushes him against the wall wantonly kissing in front of Dean.

Breathless, Sam touches his forehead against hers running his fingers along the flannels front, “I was looking for this shirt the other day ‘mega.”

“Hmm, my bad, suppose I need to be punished Alpha.” She teasingly remakes biting her lip as Sam purrs low in his chest sliding the shirt off her shoulders.

“You’re back together?” Dean blurts out in disbelief interrupting them.

Sam turns pulling Trouble with him, her back flush against his chest reaches up moving her hair revealing his mark.

Dean looks between them, “fucking took you long enough Sammy,” he barks before continuing down the hallway grumbling, “there better not be any more surprises.”

Sam nuzzled into her neck breathing in the new honey-vanilla scent mixing with her naturally cooler one reaches down placing his large hands protectively over her womb where their surprise is resting tenderly kissing her shoulder.

[deans-baby-momma]

Rebel Without A Cause- Ch 18

A/N: NSFW chapter will be added to this DOCUMENT. (By tonight)

Maggie turns to look at the girl standing behind her and rakes her eyes over the woman. Crossing her arms she prepares for the dispute. “So?” Rayne smiles up at Maggie; she is about 3-4 inches shorter than Maggie. 

Maggie quirks an eyebrow at the grin on her possible nemesis’ face. “You got something to say about it?”

“No,” Rayne denies. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just, uh….meant you must be someone special to Dean for him to settle down. I actually haven’t seen him this happy as long as I’ve known him.”

“Oh, yea?” Maggie asks, dropping the confrontational stance “How long have you known Dean?”

“Well, I caught their first concert about 8 months ago...and then a couple of months after that, I met Sam and we hit it off and I’ve been to every performance since. So I’ve seen a lot- and I mean a lot of the women Dean has gone through he never seemed truly satisfied with. It was like he was looking for something in them and just couldn’t find it. Then he picks you a month ago and now here you are, being introduced to the band as his girlfriend.” Rayne sits on the leather couch that is in the room and pats the seat beside her, motioning for Maggie to join her, which she does. “Dean seems happier now, jolly even. I have never seen a true smile on the man’s face.”

Hearing the fact that Dean had had multiple partners didn’t affect Maggie as much as hearing that she was the reason for the change in Dean. She smiled at the prospect that people thought she was the contentment he had been searching for. “You really think so?”

“Yea, girl. I do,” Rayne responds. “Dean is definitely a changed man now that you’ve come into his life.”

Maggie and Rayne continued talking about everything they could think of. Once Maggie got comfortable enough with Sam’s girlfriend she decided to bring up the one issue she was having problems with. “Rayne, can I ask you something personal?”

“Sure.”

“You say you’ve seen a lot. Have you ever seen…..Dean with any of the band members? Benny, to be specific?”

“Well, I wasn’t going to bring it up,” Rayne hesitantly says. “But yea, Dean and Benny regularly share whatever girl is willing to. Is that why you were so closed off and detached when Benny was around? Did he try something? Because if he did, I’ll kill him!” Rayne vehemently threatens. “Sam says he hasn’t seen his brother so cheerful and pleasant in like ever. If Benny screws this up, I will murder that Cajun reject.”

Maggie can’t help but laugh at the way Rayne is so fiercely defending her new friend. “No, he hasn’t. Not recently, anyway. This is probably TMI but the first night Dean and I slept together…after it was over, I looked up and Benny was standing there jerking off to us. Like, it threw me for a loop. I was not expecting that. And now you tell me that they usually share girls. I don’t know Rayne. It kinda makes me reconsider this whole thing. What if they want to share me? I’ve never done that before.”

“Threesomes aren't all that unusual in a band, Maggie,” Rayne affirms. “Hell, I’ve been known to have had a threesome once or twice. But usually, it’s just Sam and me. And since we’re sharing, I’ll let you in on a little bit of TMI also. Sam is almost more than I can handle. If we were to have a threesome, it’d have to be with another female.”

“I’ve heard stories about bands, not only this band but are orgies actually a thing? A room full of people having sex?”

“Yep, sure is. Sam and I have participated in that a couple of times. But I like it with just me and him. I feel more connected to him when it’s private and personal. I don’t feel like I’m having to compete for his attention.”

“Don’t you feel like a slut, though? Sleeping with two people at the same time?”

“Not one bit,” Rayne says as they hear the crowd go wild when a popular song begins. They both smile, knowing that soon their men will be coming backstage to join them. “You aren’t a slut if you only fuck one man during it. And hell, if you did decide to do it then who cares. Don’t let anyone slut-shame you. But also-” Rayne says, laying a hand over Maggie’s. “-don’t do it only because you want to make Dean happy. If you want to do it, talk to him first. Don’t just jump in the sack with him and whoever because that’s what you think he wants. Do it because you want to.”

A few women follow Brad, the same guy who had approached Maggie before, into the room. Maggie watches as they walk around, some finding a place to sit while the others discover the drink table and grab themselves a bottle of liquid courage. She momentarily wonders if Dean has reverted back to his old ways of finding women in the crowd to enjoy. But then she remembers that he had promised to only pick the ones that Benny points out to him and relaxes. Rayne steps up beside her and the two of them share a smile. Moments later, the door opens again and the band enters. Dean makes his way straight to Maggie while Sammy beelines to Rayne. 

“Hey, baby,” Dean says, throwing an arm around Maggie’s shoulders and kissing her, his tongue sweeping against hers.  “Wanna get out of here?” 

Maggie smiles up at her man and nods in earnest. They turn to see Sam and Rayne standing by the door, holding hands and smiling at them. The four of them exit the room as they hear Benny speak up, “Hello, ladies!” Exiting the building, the Winchester brothers, along with their women, head toward Dean’s prized possession- a mint-condition 1967 Chevy Impala that was a gift from their father. 

Knowing that there’s no possible way for Sam to sit in the backseat with Rayne, Maggie rounds the vehicle with Dean, to get into the back. She smiles at Dean as she opens the door and slides in behind his seat. Once they are all situated inside the car, it is decided that they would go find a bar and grab a couple of drinks to celebrate another successful show. 

The Rebel Canteen seems to be the hot spot in Milford, Delaware. The parking lot is full of cars and once Dean finds a parking spot and they get out, the sounds of music and voices overlapping fill their ears. Taking Dean’s outstretched hand, Maggie and he follow Sam and Rayne to the front door. Inside, the place is just as packed as the outside and Maggie briefly ponders how they are going to be able to hear one another speak. Her query is answered quickly as Dean leans in close and speaks into her ear. “Want your usual?” 

“Yes, please,” she practically yells to be heard over the commotion. She watches as he and Sam head toward the bar before Rayne grabs her wrist to pull her toward a vacant booth against the wall. Once inside the booth, Maggie is amazed to find out that with the high back of the benches, the sounds of the bar are reduced greatly. The sounds were so diminished, that conversation was going to be easy to carry on. 

“So, I saw that look when Brad walked in with those women,” Rayne says to Maggie. “You were worried, weren’t you? Afraid he had decided to try to introduce someone new to your relationship.”

Maggie just stared at her new friend. How is it that this woman could already read her so well? How was it that Rayne knew what had crossed her mind almost before Maggie understood what it was? It was amazing and shocking how perceptive she was. 

And she couldn’t deny it. Maggie had thought that and it had terrified her. She wasn’t sure if she was or ever would be ready to do something like that, and she was fearful it would run Dean off. She was afraid that he would get bored being with only her and would walk away. Maggie didn’t know whether she could handle that. In the three months that they have been a couple, Maggie had already fallen pretty hard. It was easy, seeing as some of those old feelings from her teenage years had come crashing back once she had spent time with Dean.

Dean and Sam found the girls easily enough; Dean sliding in beside Maggie while Sam joined Rayne. Dean handed Maggie her drink and joked about her “girly drink with the umbrella.” They all shared a laugh about that and then Sam and Dean began talking about the show and how things could be tweaked and made better and how it was time to change up the song lineup. Maggie was only half paying attention, twirling her straw in her drink.

“Hey,” Dean said, catching her attention. Maggie looked up to see that they were alone in the booth. ‘When had Sam and Rayne left?’ she thought as she looked out to see the couple on the dance floor; some slow song was starting its first crescendo. “Are you okay? You seem to be a million miles away,” Dean asked and Maggie could hear the worry in his voice.

Rayne wasn’t the best dancer, she had never claimed to be, but she enjoyed being in the arms of her boyfriend. She gazed up into Sam’s hazel eyes and smiled. “Ya know, Maggie is still nervous that Dean is gonna get bored with just her. You can see it in her eyes.”

“Well, that’s crazy. Dean is more in love with her than I’ve ever thought possible. She has nothing to worry about.” Sam had to bend down a bit to really be able to hear her over the din of music, but he had caught every word.

She shrugged. “I know and I keep telling her that. I’ve even told her that I’ve never seen him so happy. And it’s true. I just wish I could do something to ease her mind. I hate seeing her stressed. She’s my friend and you know how I am.”

Sam nodded. He did know how she was. Rayne was very protective of her friends. While she was kinky as hell and a bit of a freak and nerd, the petite woman was also a total mama bear. He loved that about her and he, like her, hoped they could find a way to help Maggie stop worrying about Dean leaving. “If only she saw how in love he is.”

Rayne almost snorted. “A blind man could see it. Those two are so madly in love it’s not even funny.”

Back in the booth, Maggie looked at the table. How could she tell Dean about what it was that she feared the most? How could she explain to him that knowing what he had gotten used to when it came to sex was something she just couldn’t fathom doing. She didn’t want to lose him, not after getting him after all this time, not when he was finally hers. So she took a breath and lifted her head. “I’m fine,” she lied. “Just happy to be out with you. Spending time with you, seeing how you are after a good concert.”  She leaned over and kissed him chastely. “I’m just tired. But I’m good. I promise.”

And that’s how the next few weeks went. Maggie worked all week long as the entertainment columnist at the Ft. Garrison News and on Fridays headed out to whatever venue in whatever city Dean and his band were playing, just to spend time with him. She and Rayne also became close friends and Maggie looked forward to hanging out with Sam’s girlfriend while their men were on stage rocking the masses. Maggie squealed and rejoiced with Rayne when the young woman informed her that Sam had finally muttered those three little words. She couldn’t help but speculate if she would ever hear those same words from the eldest brother. Only time would tell. 

The party was in full swing, the delight of another successful concert making the ambiance in the room palpable. The pub was full of people who had attended and enjoyed watching the Winchester Sex Bombs on stage, the sheer amount of both men and women stopping by their booth congratulating Dean was a shock to Maggie. 

She had gotten accustomed to women making advances and flirty comments to her boyfriend but she highly enjoyed watching the disappointment cross their face when he informs them he is 'spoken for'. 

"Come on, girl," Rayne yells as she grabs Maggie's hand and pulls her away from Dean's side. "This is a good song!" Maggie lets Rayne drag her onto the dance floor and laughs as Rayne begins dancing erratically. She, herself, wasn't the best dancer but she did at least try to match her movements to the beat and melody of the song, unlike Rayne who had her own beat going, apparently.

Watching Rayne wriggle and bop around, Maggie's taken back to a few nights ago, when she had had an eye-opening dream. Her imagination had conjured up a mind-boggling vision. She and Rayne had been dancing around in an establishment such as the one they were in tonight but instead of having the Winchester brothers there, they had one another. In her dream, Maggie and Rayne only had eyes for one another. As they danced closer and closer together and began to grind upon each other, Maggie had laid a kiss on Rayne. It was a kiss to rival every other kiss in the history of kisses. The dream had been unexpected but gave Maggie a new perspective. Apparently, she wasn't as opposed to the thought of adding another member to her and Dean's relationship as she had previously thought. Watching Rayne shimmy and wiggle,  Maggie realized that she wanted Rayne. Wanted to kiss her, to touch her, to fuck her.

Bringing herself out of her reverie, Maggie joins Rayne walking up behind the shorter woman and placing her hands on Rayne's waist. Rayne, in turn, begins swinging her hips side to side and laughing. Maggie wonders if Rayne has any idea the thoughts that have surged through her friend's head. Maggie matches Rayne's motions, pulling her hips back to her. Looking over her shoulder, Rayne looks at Maggie questioningly. Taking a chance, Maggie leans down to whisper in Rayne's ear.  "I want you."

"Wha-what?" Rayne stutters out, in complete disbelief. The statement had caused her to stop all movements and she turned to look at Maggie. 

"I want you," Maggie reiterated. "I want my first time with another female to be with you, Rayne. I trust you and I know you'll be considerate of my inexperience."

The two of them stood in the middle of the dance floor, their eyes never wavering from the others. When the song playing cuts off and another equally loud one starts up, Rayne grabs Maggie's hand and heads toward the little hallway she knew the bathrooms were in.

Rayne opens the bathroom door, going and looking under each stall before turning and looking at Maggie. "Now, I believe my ears were deceiving me," she says. "You couldn’t have possibly said what I think you said out there."

Maggie smiles and steps toward Rayne. She once again says the words, "I want my first time with another female to be with you, Rayne. I trust you and I know you'll be considerate of my inexperience."

Rayne lets the words sink in for a moment, looking Maggie over. She closes the space between them and cups her friend’s cheek. “I would be very considerate. Take it slow and easy. If you don’t like something, say so and I’ll stop. I’m willing to be with you but I want to make sure this is what you want.” The last thing she wants is to upset her friend and ruin their friendship.

Maggie smiles and cards her fingers through Rayne's silky locks, palming the back of her head. Leaning in, Maggie hesitantly places her lips upon Rayne's. The kiss immediately turns passionate and Maggie reluctantly pulls away when she can no longer catch a breath. "Let's go back to my room." Rayne smiles and nods and together the friends leave the bathroom to head out. 

Thankfully, the tavern is connected to the motel they were set up in and, with Dean and Sam busy signing autographs and discussing music with their fans, Maggie and Rayne can escape and get back to the room quickly. 

Once inside the room, Maggie pulls Rayne to her and begins kissing her again. Her hands roam the other's body, gripping her sides and hips. Maggie wraps her arms around Rayne and runs her hands down the girls back, carefully sliding over her ass. Her hands stop and she squeezes the ample flesh. Maggie hears Rayne whimper and it brings a smile to her lips. 

In no time at all, both females undress the other and they collapse on the bed, limbs entangled and full of giggles. Maggie rolls Rayne onto her back and hovers over her. "What now?" Maggie asks, abashed at her innocence. "What do I do since you know, I don't have a dick?" She tried to cover her shame with a joke.

Rayne smiles up at her, laughter in her eyes and says, "Well you have fingers and a tongue."

Maggie was knuckle deep inside Rayne, crooking her fingers and massaging her g-spot while Rayne writhed and panted above her, hands fisted in the sheets when Dean and Sam walked in.

"What the fuck?" Dean stated as he pulled his brother into the room and quickly closed the door.  When he and Sam couldn't find their girlfriends in the bar, Dean had been afraid that all the attention he had been getting from the females had pissed Maggie off and she was stewing in their room. He never imagined that she had been in here, fingering Sam’s girlfriend’s pussy. It was a sight for sure. He looked at Sam as Sam took in the activities on the bed and then looked to Dean. "Holy. Fucking. Shit!" Sam exclaimed. 

Maggie had stopped her ministrations when the guys had entered but her fingers were still buried in her best friend's sopping cunt. She looked over her shoulder at Dean and smiled. "Hey, baby," she said, nonchalantly. 

Dean raked his eyes over his girlfriend's sexy body and felt his dick twitch in his pants. Apparently fingering her friend was a turn on because Maggie's juices were practically soaking the bed. He palmed himself as he took it all in. 

Sam, who was more accepting of it all, stepped to the head of the bed and squatted down by Rayne's face. "Hey, kitten. That feel good? She fingering you well?" he asked, a chuckle in his voice. 

Rayne bit her lip and nodded. “Mhmm really good. She really knows what she’s doing,” she mumbles, reaching out for his hand.

Sam grabs her hand and kisses each fingertip. "Didn't know you were into Maggie. But goddamn is it hot as fuck. Walking in and seeing you all laid out like this. Only problem is, Dean has seen what’s mine now." He takes his gaze off his girlfriend to look over at his brother. 

"Baby?" Dean says as he approaches the bed, his eyes on Maggie. "What are you doing?"

Maggie giggles and looks up at him.  "What does it look like?"

Dean glances up at where her fingers are submerged in Rayne. He quickly looks away, not wanting to look at Rayne's pussy, although he couldn't help but appreciate it. The way it enveloped Maggie’s dainty fingers and the way Rayne’s juices covered Maggie’s hand. His dick jerked in his jeans and he could feel the precum already leaking onto his boxers.

Dean puts his attention back on Maggie, laid out on the bed naked and body slightly twitching. "I can see what you’re doing," he says with a playful roll of his eyes. "What I meant, is why?"

"Because Rayne is hot," Maggie states, matter of factly. "And because I wanted to have this experience with someone I trusted. And," Maggie continues, now beginning to doubt everything. "I wanted to be prepared in case you wanted to do something like this. She's been teaching me how to pleasure another female." With that, she removed her fingers from inside Rayne and sat up. "I'm sorry."

Dean's heart swelled at the admission that Maggie was doing something so far out of her comfort zone and that she was doing it to please him in future endeavors. He realized then just how far she would go for him and realized he would go just as far for her. He had never imagined doing this with his younger brother but then again he never thought he'd be in a relationship with his ex-girlfriend's little sister either. Getting into character, he pulled Maggie up and crashed his mouth to hers, subconsciously disappointed that she tasted like herself. "You haven't tasted her yet?" he whispers and he pulls back and open his eyes. "I bet she tastes good." He raises his voice, to include his brother in the conversation. "Sammy, does lil Rayne here taste good?"

Sam's eyes never leaves Rayne's as he answers. "Like heaven. Sweet and delicious." He smiles at Rayne who grins back.

"Go on, baby," Dean urges. "Taste that sweet pussy." When Maggie turns around to get back between Rayne's thighs, Dean pulls her up until she is kneeling on her knees. "I'm going to fuck you while you eat her out."

Maggie's first swipe against Rayne is cautious but as the sweet tang of her friend's arousal hits her tastebuds she loses all coherent thought. Using her fingers she spread Rayne's lips and dives in, licking and sucking her clit into her lips. She barely even registers as Dean slides inside her, bottoming out. He begins hammering into her at a fast pace.

Dean never dreamed that this would happen but watching Maggie devouring a pussy as he fucks into her was beyond his wildest dreams. And the fact that the other girl was his own brother's girlfriend? Inconceivable. Others would probably think of it as taboo and yes, it probably is but they were all four consenting adults so who cares? Plus, Sam seemed to be enjoying the interaction just as much, Dean speculates, as he looks up to see Sam pistoning his own length into Rayne's willing mouth.

Dean could feel Maggie's walls flutter around him and he watched as she suckled on Rayne's clit, causing the girl to moan and mewl around his brother's cock. Dean felt his dick harden even more at the litany of moans and groans and the sound of skin slapping against skin. 

Maggie pulls back from Rayne's quivering pussy, watching the juice sluice out and slide down her asscheeks. She turns to look at Dean,  fully focused on his dick being swallowed. 

"You want a taste?" She asks when he glances up at her. Pushing up to a kneeling position,, Maggie turns and kisses him. He moans out loud as he tastes the sweet, tangy cum that invades his mouth. Sam wasn't lying,  Rayne did taste marvelous. 

"Fucking hell!" Dean breathes out when they part. He knows that Maggie tastes just as wonderful and before he knows what he is doing he speaks up. "Sammy, you want a taste of Mags?"

"Dude! I'm not sucking your dick," Sam exclaims, causing everyone to chuckle. 

"That is not what I meant, smartass," Dean demands with an irked eyeroll. "Just thought we could change positions."

In the blink of an eye, Sam takes Maggie's place between his girlfriend's thighs as Maggie settles herself over top of Rayne's awaiting mouth. Dean stands back and watches as Maggie lowers her pussy onto Rayne's face and starts grinding. Sammy slides into his girlfriend's cunt and Dean steps up so Maggie can suck him off.

The next morning, Dean and Maggie wake in one another's arms, not a stitch of clothing between them but alone in their room. They look at one another and see the same thing, worry. 

Did that actually happen? How many lines were crossed last night? Would things be awkward and confusing now? Could they look Sam and Rayne in the face ever again? Neither had an answer. 

Dean's cell rings minutes later and he answers only to hear Sam asking if he and Maggie were interested in going out for breakfast. Dean silently asks Maggie and she tentatively agrees. As they get dressed, the same worries keep going over and over in their heads but when they meet up with the other couple, those doubts are alleviated and they learn that's not the case at all. Sam and Rayne act as if nothing weird or freaky ever happened. 

@pink1031​ @spnbaby-67​ @winecatsandpizza​ @joseyrw​ @kricketc28​ @tftumblin​ @markofdean79​ @sandlee44​ @michellethetvaddict​ @lyarr24​ @travelingriversideblues-x​ 

[lovedsammy]

Man or Monster [commission for samwinchesterlesbian]

This was the first of four commissions from @samwinchesterlesbian, who wanted some introspective Sam and trauma thoughts. This one was pertaining to Sam and Nick (and by extension, Lucifer), so I went with a primary focus on 14.17, but other encounters sprinkled throughout. 

-

Even with as much as Sam hates Lucifer -- and he’s pretty sure that he hates him more than anything or anyone he’s ever known -- he thinks that he might actually, in retrospect, hate Nick more. Or perhaps they were just on the same level, the same wavelength, and Sam can’t exactly differentiate between them; it’s difficult to really say. After all, how did you separate the entity that had tortured you for eternity from the human vessel that he’d worn to commit those acts? How did you look at them and not see the monster beneath the surface? Where did one end and the other begin? Initially, Sam swears he’d been able to see the difference. Where Lucifer was loud and brash, Nick was meek and reserved. Lucifer was pure unadulterated evil, and Nick was a tortured, lost soul, whose only crime was to unwillfully carry out the monster’s bidding.

Lucifer had been in the driver’s seat, leaving Nick trapped in his own head, using his body to hurt and kill. Sam hadn’t been possessed by Lucifer for nearly as long as Nick had been, but he remembered how the Devil had used him to do atrocious things, too. Nick, in all fairness, had to be pretty messed up after all of that, traumatized in his own way. 

Or at least, that’d been the impression that Sam had, when he’d first talked to the man. Nick had seemed to have some baggage, a lasting imprint of the possession that left a significant effect on his psyche. It took him many days to even remember who he was, or that he’d ever been a vessel at all. That was how possession worked. It broke a person down into shattered pieces, and it was a struggle to rebuild those pieces back into something resembling the original design. But once again, perhaps that had instead been Sam’s misguided perception, the hope that the man could never be as bad. He’d clung to the belief that it’d been the monster and the monster alone who’d hurt his mind and body. It was all just the Devil. 

He can still remember the fear that had crawled up out of his stomach and into his throat when he saw Lucifer’s prone form reopen its eyes again on the floor of the church. Jack had pointed it out first, and Sam had shoved the boy protectively behind him, terrified, thinking that Lucifer had somehow managed to survive the encounter with Michael -- with Dean. And when the vessel sat up, looking up at Sam, confused and weak, everything in the hunter had fought against the desire to impale him again with the Archangel blade.

But Sam had pushed his anger, and his hatred, down. 

It would’ve been too easy, to project his disdain of Lucifer onto Nick, to hold him accountable for things that he was relatively blameless. To look at the man and see the monster, and view them as one being. He easily could’ve decided to end it all before it even started and stabbed Nick in the neck before he’d even finished opening his eyes. 

But he didn’t, because Sam believed that the easy choice wasn’t always the right one. And everyone, no matter who they were or what they’d done, deserved a second chance. Nick had survived the fatal wound, and at the end of the day, he was a human. He was a victim in all of this, too. He wasn’t to blame for what Lucifer had done, or had made him do. It was hard, but Sam made the decision then and there to try and save Nick, to try and help him reclaim his life, to find some measure of stability. Chances were that he had a family somewhere, had someone to get back to who didn’t know where he was or what had happened to him. Someone who missed him. Sam puts himself in Nick’s shoes, thinks of Dean, and his heart clenches in empathy. Sam knew firsthand what it was like to be possessed by Lucifer, to be chained to him, struggling to fight back. If anyone could help Nick, he knew it was him. It had to be him. 

It always had to be you, Sam. 

Wasn’t it always?

And Sam…. Sam really had tried so hard to give Nick a chance, to save him, to extend a hand of support, simply because he understood. He thought he and Nick could… well, bond, or connect in some way, over a shared trauma, of being a puppet to the Devil. Every single encounter with the man from the moment in the church was exhaustive and difficult. More than once, Sam almost backed out from going into the room containing Nick. It was almost impossible to look at him and not see Lucifer. Over the course of many days, it became easier, but not by much. Sam’s body still reacts very physically whenever he’s around Nick, with all the tale-tale signs of C-PTSD: the shaking, the hyper-arousal, the nervous ticks. Nick remarks upon this once, how hard this must be for Sam, and Sam easily agrees with him, doesn’t dispute it. Nick got it. He understood Sam, too. 

Sam sees now how stupid he’d been, not solely compassionate, as he’d believed. He knows that his tendency to see the best in people, even those that don’t always deserve it, has a habit of getting the best of him sometimes. But the other choice was giving up on people, and that’s not what he did. Saving people, even those that didn’t deserve it ... that was the right thing to do, wasn’t it? That’s who he was. He couldn’t just shut that off.

Now to Sam, Lucifer and Nick were no longer separate beings, but had instead melded into a blended storm of trauma that made them relatively one. And God, how he hates them both.  

The rage is absolutely carnic when Dean brings Nick in, and instantaneous. The sight of Nick’s cold smirk makes his blood boil. Before he’s even aware of it, Sam is shoving Lucifer -- no, no, Nick, only Nick -- into the wall. He longs to kill him, to end him, to finally close the cold eyes of the being that had tortured him for an eternity. It didn’t matter that Nick himself hadn’t tortured Sam anymore. He’d been awake, he’d taken on Lucifer’s traits and become as bad as the Devil himself. He emulated the Devil, and worshiped him, and killed for him. There was not a speck of difference between them, not anymore.

Dean hauls Sam off of Nick, and it takes everything that Sam has not to just jump the bastard again. Instead, he scoffs, and retreats into the other room, feeling his mother’s and Jack’s gazes on his back. He’s vibrating in anger, and has to breathe through his nose to calm down. It reminds him too much of his demon blood days, and how quick he’d been to anger, and how overpowering that rage could be.

Sam had given Nick a chance, and instead he’d been stabbed in the back. Nick had taken advantage of his kindness, his empathy and compassion. 

Sam would not make that mistake again.

He knows that Dean is right when his brother doesn’t allow him to go interrogate Nick. If he did, Sam couldn’t exactly promise that he wouldn’t kill him. And unfortunately, like almost every other person who’s hurt Sam in his life, they needed him. So Sam stifles down his hate again, and tolerates it. 

-  

“It’s nice that we’re finally alone,” Nick says conversationally, once Dean exits the car. “I feel like I never get a chance to talk to you anymore.” 

Sam closes his eyes, fighting against the nausea, chills running up his spine. It’s way too reminiscent of Lucifer, and the hallucinations of him. Sam just wants to get out of the car and puke until he can’t anymore. How was it that even with his abuser dead and gone, Lucifer could still find a way to get under his skin and haunt him from beyond the grave? Still, Sam ignores it. He won’t rise to Nick’s bait. When his phone rings, it’s a welcome distraction, until Nick breaks out in song, just like Lucifer used to do. He knows exactly how to push Sam’s button, to play on his emotions. Sam quickly escapes the confines of the car, and for the moment, his torturer.

The distance never feels like it’s enough. 

- 

He’s trying to bring Lucifer back. Sam is not as successful as hiding his contempt now, at reigning it in. Nor the fear. The terror seizes at him, threatening to smother him. The thought of Lucifer returning to this world, returning to him, scares him on a cosmic scale. He thinks he can feel even his soul quaking. 

When Nick attacks him, Sam doesn’t see the man, only the monster. Everything, from Nick’s murderous expressions to the way he grips Sam with his hands, every move feels like Lucifer. Nick’s flesh is cold, more than likely from the weather, but to Sam there’s no difference. Sam tries to fight him off, and manages to get the upper hand. When he does, he takes advantage, and crawls on top of Nick, and delivers punch after punch, leveling him with an assault that’s been budding under his skin for hours now. Sam still doesn’t see Nick. He sees Lucifer, only Lucifer. He wraps both hands around Nick’s throat and viciously squeezes.

It feels better than he knows it ought to, and he relishes in it. He watches the way Nick’s face goes from red to purple from the lack of oxygen, and it only inspires him to squeeze harder. Ending Nick right here and now… it ends Lucifer, too. As he feels the life start to leave the man, though, Sam hesitates. He’s not a murderer. Killing Nick right now ...did that make him any better than him? Than Lucifer? It would be just one more smear of taint that the Devil could imprint on him, and knowledge pulls Sam’s hands away from Nick’s throat.

Nick takes advantage of Sam’s inner battle and clocks him once, twice, over the side of the head with a rock. Sam’s not a doctor, but he knows that where Nick got him, it was bad. He can tell by the immediate effects, the way he sways upon his feet, hardly able to focus, to think. He needs to get Dean’s attention somehow, before he dies out here, at Nick’s -- Lucifer’s -- hand. 

It takes everything that he has, but Sam is finally able to aim a punch with enough strength to push Nick back, and he rushes into the safety of Baby, keeping a titanium and glass barrier between him and his attacker. Nick pounds against the window, wanting another go at him, so Sam does the only thing he can think of and honks the horn, loudly, to let his brother know that he needs his help. He can feel his consciousness starting to slip, and knows that if he falls asleep, he won’t wake up this time.

He barely notices it when Nick bolts and hijacks some poor passerby driving down the road. He can still feel Lucifer all around him, even as he fights against the pull of sleep.

Wakey, wakey, Sam, a voice says, feeling like it’s directly near his ear, and Sam knows that voice. And instead of pushing it down, instead of fighting it, this time Sam clings to it with everything he has.  

[fogsrollingin]

I got some fics recs today! 2 wincest fics, one a curtain & the other an awesome hurt!sam casefic. Then a spn j2 rps, super entertaining mob AU. Visit my catalogue of fic recs here! Let’s get started 🤗 ❤️  ✧ The King and the Lionheart by waywardelle (AO3). NC-17, Dean/Sam, 53k words. Summary:  After the disastrous but effective removal of the Mark, Sam and Dean Winchester suddenly face a life without allies or a reason to keep hunting, so they leave their old life behind them in flames. They re-emerge from the ashes as Sam and Dean Wesson, residents of Misty Luna, Maine-- a town with a personality all its own. As they settle into civilian life, they gain careers, a home, good friendships and the kind of fulfillment they never thought possible. But with nothing left to fight, the underbelly of their particular kind of love is thrown into sharp relief, especially considering the whole town thinks they’re married, anyway. After dancing around their feelings for the past twenty years, Sam and Dean find a peace they never knew existed, and through it all, they find each other again. And maybe, just maybe, forever. Curtain!fic. Canon divergence after 10x21, “Dark Dynasty.”  This was such a pleasant, relaxing curtain fic to read before bed. I loved the slow affection that built between Sam and Dean as they settled and grew more independent yet more loving. This was a wonderful read! ✧ Black Velocities and Shining Moments by dimeliora (AO3). NC-17, Dean/Sam, 39k words. Summary:  Set in Season 2, Sam has sustained a terrible injury trying to protect his brother. He finds himself in a tiny, idyllic village being cared for by Dean. Unsure if his paranoia is wholly justified or the result of brain damage, Sam finds himself fighting not only to recover but to understand what is unfolding around him. What most stood out to me in this fic is a scene where Sam’s experiencing extreme paranoia in the hospital with Dean, mainly because initially you think Sam’s right with his perceptions. Brilliantly done, incredibly written and so harrowing for Sam. The rest of the case fic mystery unfolds in a stylishly hazy manner that fits the story’s themes to a tee. It also masterfully showcases the love Sam and Dean have for one another. Really tremendous story! ✧ These Violent Delights by dimpleforyourthoughts (AO3). NC-17, Jared/Jensen, 81k words. Summary:  Jared Padalecki has only ever wanted to get out of Sin City. Trapped by extenuating circumstances, he works as a waiter in a Las Vegas strip joint, doing what he can to get by, including spending a romantic evening with a handsome stranger who wanders into the club one night. Hoping to see the stranger again, but not disappointed when he doesn’t, Jared moves on with his life. A month later, Jared interviews for a job as a financial consultant at one of the largest and newly made over Hotels on the Vegas strip. Jared gets the job, only to discover that his new boss is the same man he slept with: Jensen Ackles, the enigmatic and ice cold business man. Jensen Ackles, the city's biggest mob boss. Torn between his longing to get out of the city and his yearning to be closer to Jensen, Jared finds himself being sucked into a new and dangerous world where loyalty is everything, passion exists on a knife-edge, and the ever-increasing violence makes it impossible to escape.  I read this story a long time ago but I remember loving it. Jared’s written as totally relatable and as the plot thickens over what Jensen really does, it’s easy to get as sucked up in it, to want Jared to stay long enough to be a criminal in the organized crime underworld with Jensen too, haha. Great story that kept me hooked all the way through!  ✧ That’s it for now! Happy Weekend Readings! 📚👀😊 

[katymacsupernatural]

The Other Side of Reality Part 11

Dean Winchester x Reader

1100 Words

Story Summary: Y/N is a patient in an Asylum. Each and every day she noticed a handsome man sitting in the same place. Holding the same tattered book. Mumbling about ghosts, ghouls, and vampires. Almost two months later, she finally gathers up the courage to go up to him. To listen to his stories. Little did she know her life would change forever as she began to wonder if there was a hint of truth to his stories.

Catch Up Here: Masterpost

Time passed, Sam and Cas stayed away, and you stayed by Dean’s side. He never moved, laying there as still as a….well you didn’t want to think that far.

The sun filtered through the blinds, slowly sinking down before fading away. Your tears had long since gone away as well, your eyes sore as you sat there, staring down at Dean.

“This can’t be it,” You whispered for what had to be the hundredth time. “Dean, you can’t leave me.”

“He’s still here,” a voice spoke up from behind you, startling you. Jumping up so fast your chair tipped over, you stared at the intruder.

She held her hands up in a gesture of goodwill. Her nails were freshly manicured, her hair perfectly styled. She had a pale blue dress on, the fabric barely brushing her knees. She seemed to be in her forties, with slight wrinkles around her eyes. “Who the hell are you?” You asked, wishing you had some sort of weapon in your hand. You had no idea if your powers were back, or if they ever would be.

“Don’t you remember me?” She asked, and you quickly searched your freshly returned memories for any sign of her.

A picture flashed in your mind, of an Angel that spent the majority of her time in the garden with Joshua. She had been your mentor, almost like a mother figure until you left Heaven and joined the Winchesters gang. Adonai, one of the oldest and most revered Angels in history.

Racing forward, you threw your arms around her, hugging her tight. Hoping that maybe something was starting to work in your favor. She hugged you back, brushing her hand along your tangled hair. “My girl. What a mess you’ve gotten yourself into.”

Pulling back, you stared up into her pale blue eyes, watching intently. “Did you know? That we were being held?”

She nodded sadly, and you stepped back, hurt and worried. “I heard, but I was locked in Heaven’s jail. There was nothing they would let me do, and I hated it. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”

A tear slipped down your cheek. “They took everything, My life, my memories, my child. And now they’ve taken Dean.”

“But they’re gone now,” she assured you. “And the rest? It will come. I promise. I’m here now, and I will make sure they never take control again.”

You hoped she was right. That she wasn’t another Angel trying to control you. Taking her at her word, for now, you turned back to Dean, who had made no improvements. “Can you fix him?”

She walked over, placing her hand on Dean’s chest, and you stayed close by, making sure that Dean stayed safe. Hoping that Sam and Cas wouldn’t return right now.

Adonai closed her eyes, her hand glowing a soft yellow as she scanned Dean’s body. “This is very tricky. They used some sort of poison. Strong enough to slowly kill Dean from the inside, but barely perceptible for anyone, including angels.”

You took Dean’s hand in your own, cringing at the cold that was so unlike him. “How do we stop it? Is there some sort of antidote”

“Angelic grace,” she answered. “Angel grace has to flow through his body, ridding it of its impurities. Only then will Dean ever be fully healthy once again.”

The news came as no surprise to you. Of course, it would be something as rare as Angelic grace to save the man you loved. You knew what you had to do, there was no question about it.

Just then the door opened, both Sam and Cas walking through, their arms full of fast food bags. “Y/N, we didn’t find any information  at the lib...who the hell are you?” Sam yelled, dropping the food to pull out his gun. “Get away from Dean!”

You held your hands up, stepping in front of Adonai, protecting her even though you weren’t sure you still completely trusted her yourself. “Guys, she’s here to help!”

Sam lowered his gun, a frown still on his face as he took in the situation. Cas had his head cocked, staring at Adonai with shock. “I had heard you were gone.”

“You know this person?” Sam asked.

“She’s an Angel. She used to work closely with Joshua in the garden. But the past two years…,”

“I’ve been in jail,” she answered, stepping around you. “I didn’t agree with their plans and it was either that or…,”

It was your turn to interrupt, not wanting to wait any longer. Dean wasn’t getting any better, and sitting around talking wasn’t going to help. “Dean’s been poisoned!”

Sam’s eyes widened, turning to Adonai for confirmation. She nodded slightly, letting you finish. “It’s some sort of Angelic poison that’s really hard to pinpoint. But there is an antidote, and we have it!”

“What’s that?” Both Sam and Cas asked, their attention completely on you.

“My grace. He needs angel grace to heal.”

Sam came and sat down on the edge of the bed, while Cas frowned. “How much of your grace would he need? Just enough that you would still be an Angel?”

Adonai pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, her attention suddenly very interested in the stain on the carpet. Giving you all the information you needed. “Y/N, no. There has to be another way. Maybe we could try just a little bit, see if it works. Because if you do this, there is no turning back.”

Instead of answering, you stared down at Dean. His face was ashen, his lashed dark against his cheek. His chest barely rose, his lips tinged slightly blue. You knew time was not on your side.

“I don’t think we have time to test it out and see. Dean is important to all of us. I need him here, with us. I can’t go on without him, and he needs to help find his daughter. Even if it means I turn human, I’m okay with that.”

You could see that Sam wanted to argue. He wanted to tell you no, that you would find another way. That you didn’t have to give up your powers and grace to save his brother. But he would always choose his brother, every single time. And you didn’t blame him. You would gladly give your life so Dean could live.

Dean/Jensen Tags: @acortez82 @acreativelydifferentlove @adoptdontshoppets @a-girl-who-loves-disney @akshi8278  @bebravekeeponfighting  @brindz30 @cap-just-said-language @colette2537   @deansgirl215   @its-not-a-tulpa @jerkbitchidjitassbutt @just-another-winchester @karouwinchester @keikoraventeller  @krys198478 @librarygeekery @misspygmypie @mlovesstories @mrsambroserollinsacklesmgk   @ria132love @ruprecht0420     @sortaathief @superseejay721517 @squirrelnotsam @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @torn-and-frayed @tricksterdean @wonderfulworldofwinchester @woodworthti666 

Other Side of Reality Tags: @crazysocklovingfangirl @letmedrainwiththestars @raven1aris @spnbaby-67 @karouwinchester @demondeanismybaby @wxxnks @closetspngirl @omnia-pod @soullessdemontrap @musiclovinchic93 @pie46733 @yes-this-is-doggo @maydayfigment @choosemyname @nervousmemzie @bi-bi-winchesters @flamencodiva @love-nakamura 

Forever Tags: @alexwinchester23 @algud @amanda-teaches @andreaaalove   @artisticpoet @atc74 @be-amaziing @camelotandastronauts @caswinchester2000 @chelsea072498  @closetspngirl   @docharleythegeekqueen @emoryhemsworth @ericaprice2008  @esoltis280   @gh0stgurl @goldenolaf25 @growningupgeek  @heyitscam99 @hobby27 @horsegirly99 @internationalmusicteacher @iwriteaboutdean  @jayankles @jensen-gal @just-another-busyfangirl @karlee-fay-my-wayward-son @lifelovelaughangell123 @li-ssu @linki-locks11 @littleblue5mcdork  @lowlyapprentice   @maui137 @mogaruke @musiclovinchic93  @nanie5   @percussiongirl2017 @plaid-lover-bay25   @roonyxx @ronja-uebrick @roxyspearing @samanthaharper2018 @samanddeanmyheroes @sandlee44 @shamelesslydean @simonsbluee @sillesworldofwriting @sgarrett49 @spnbaby-67 @spn-dean-and-sam-winchester @spnwoman   @superbadassnatural @thatcrazybookwormgeek   @thewinchesterchronicles @vvinch3st3r @wecantgiggleitsafandom @whimsicalrobots @winchester-writes @zombiewerewolfqueen

[norahastuff]

Hello. What are your thoughts about S12 of SPN? Did you like what the show did for Destiel and what about Mary's arc? i'd love to hear your thoughts!

Oh anon, so many thoughts - be careful what you ask for!

Season 12 is one of my favourite seasons of the show, mostly because of the in depth focus of the characters’ emotional states - especially Cas and Mary. I mean sure you could say the Men of Letters weren’t exactly formidable villains,  but I think that was kind of the point. Like Sam snarks at Lady Toni Bevell when she tries to threaten him with torture, he’s been tortured by the devil himself - what was she going to do to him?  After dealing with many seasons of escalating threats that culminated in them confronting God and Amara, they couldn’t exactly raise the stakes any higher plotwise, so they went lower. 

They created this human threat and instead put the focus on what the characters were going through. This gets kind of long, so I’ll break it down into 3 parts. I’ll talk about Cas and his story in this answer, and then I’ll make another couple of posts about Mary and then Dean and Cas. 

1. Cas and his state of mind

2. Mary

3. Dean and Cas

1. Cas

After everything that went on during s11 with Cas and Lucifer and God, I did kind of think that the show might forget about what it was that led to Cas saying yes to Lucifer in the first place. I needn’t have worried. Dabb’s always been interested in exploring Cas’ mental state, going all the way back to 8x08 when Dean and Cas talked about the effect the whole Godstiel/Leviathan mess had on Cas. 

“I’m afraid I might kill myself.”

 It was jarring because it was the most direct Cas had ever gotten about his depression. He’d talked about it before but never quite so matter of factly. Dabb also wrote the episode in which Cas said yes to Lucifer, a decision he came to after feeling worthless and unneeded by everyone and everything. Ambriel told him the how little the angels thought of him. In the past that may have been because he was a traitor and a rebel. They may have hated him but they feared him, even felt a twisted kind of reverence towards him. Not anymore. Now what did they think of him?

Castiel: I never wanted this, you know. To be hated by my own kind, I never…

Ambriel: Oh no, I don’t hate you, Castiel.

Castiel: Thank you.

Ambriel: I mean, we have a lot in common. Our names rhyme, that’s a big one. I look good in a trench coat too, and we’re both expendable.

Castiel: Excuse me?

Ambriel: Well, that’s why we’re here, right? I’m a number cruncher and you… like I said, I’ve heard the stories. You help. But Sam and Dean Winchester are the real heroes. So, if the Darkness is still alive and she’s pissed… and she kills us… no big loss. So sure, maybe we’re not super important, but we do the job. You know… I think there’s nobility in that.

He wasn’t The Great Castiel anymore. He was the Winchesters’ sidekick. The angel who turned his back on them and gave up an army for Dean Winchester. I think sometimes we underestimate how bad the events of 9x22 were for the angels perception of Cas. Dean broke the rules, rules Cas had put into place, and yet Cas refused to hold him accountable for that. Instead Cas fell at his feet, at least in their eyes.

I mean he was resigned to dying when Amara caught him….and yet what does she tell him? “Blue eyes, you’re not even worth the effort” “You look a bit used up.” He wasn’t even worthy of being killed by the big bad anymore. Instead she used his body to send a message to the adversaries she actually cared about. That’s all he was good for. 

Ok sorry I spent a lot of time talking about season 11 but that’s because Cas’ story in s12 is a continuation of the same things he was dealing with in s11. His desperate search for a purpose. His fears that he could never do anything right, that he was worthless: unloved and unwanted. As soon as he helped get Sam back, he got up and left again. Sure, part of that was because he needed to go find Lucifer, but like Sam and Dean tell him, he didn’t have to do that alone. 

I think it’s telling that his decision to leave comes on the heels of his late night conversation with Mary where he confesses that he still doesn’t feel like he belongs with them. So he leaves, and tries to make himself useful and Cas being Cas, he decides to do that as Agent Beyonce which results in an absolutely glorious partnership with Crowley. Honestly, as much as Cas hated Crowley, I think their little adventure was good for him - at least for a little while. I mean it gave Cas an excuse to feel superior (something he wasn’t getting a lot of at that point) and to show contempt towards someone - something he is so very good at: see also Ketch, Sergei.

But it’s easy to see how precarious Cas’ sense of self worth was. The second something goes wrong, in this case when Sam and Dean get arrested and he can’t find them, he completely falls apart. He internalises what Ambriel and Amara said to him about how useless he was, and that coupled with his own crippling insecurities, as well as Mary lashing out and blaming him for letting them get taken (she didn’t mean it really, she was more angry at herself than anything) he convinces himself that they were all right. He is worthless and he can’t do anything right. Cas didn’t fail to stop the vampire he tried to hunt down because he lacked the skills, or because he needed Sam and Dean. No, it was because he was so convinced that he was worthless and useless, it became a self fulfilling prophecy. 

The look of relief, the crack of his voice when he hears Dean on the phone after he’d essentially given up hope. The look on his face when he finds Sam and Dean, a look that stops them in their tracks, not to mention the wordless exchange in the backseat of the car after Cas meets Dean’s eyes and realises that something’s not quite right. Try then to tell me that Ambriel’s words (or at least the same sentiments) are not running through his head when he learns that one of the Winchesters will have to sacrifice themselves.

Sam and Dean Winchester are the real heroes.

You’re expendable.

If she kills you, it’s no big loss. 

It’s not much of a surprise that he makes the decision he makes. 

I also find Ishim’s conversations with Cas very interesting. I’ll talk about that some more in the Dean and Cas post, but in particular this exchange:

I used to envy you, Castiel. You believe that? You survived Hell. You were chosen by God. But now look at you. You’re just sad and pathetically weak. So now… I’m gonna help you. I’m gonna cure you of your human weakness same way I cured my own -by cutting it out. 

Once again this is confirmation of what the angels think of him. He’s not a figure to be feared anymore, rather an object of pity. Unsurprisingly, they all blame Dean for that. They see Cas’ love and devotion for Dean as his weakness. From the very beginning Cas has been told that getting close to Dean would lead to his downfall. Heaven, hell and everyone in between warned him, over and over again. 

Interestingly Cas sees it differently. He agrees that he’s weak and powerless but he doesn’t blame his love for Sam and Dean for that. So much so that on his deathbed, he even thanks them for changing his life, for changing him. 

But he survives. Crowley (much to Cas’ chagrin I’m sure) saved his life. And ultimately nothing has changed. He still needs to feel useful, he’s still desperate to find any sense of purpose - and so he finds one. Eliminate the Nephilim. Not only is that a clear instruction, a plan he can carry out, but if he manages to do that, he’ll also be preventing Sam and Dean from having to do something truly unsavoury. That checks all the boxes on Cas’ wishlist.

But Cas is missing something. He’s not seeing how much Dean is struggling with him gone, and how desperate he is for Cas to come back. He just wants a win, and unfortunately, he’s looking for it in all the wrong places. He doesn’t have a clear idea of his importance and role in the Winchesters’ lives, Dean’s in particular. When he steals the Colt and tries to face Dagon alone, he tells them he was trying to protect them, only for Dean to hit back with “You’re not our babysitter Cas” and from Cas’ face, you can see he clearly doesn’t agree. He once admitted he saw himself as the Winchesters’ guardian, and part of him still feels that that’s the only role he can play in their family - even though that’s not at all how Sam and Dean feel about him anymore.

Cas is lost. Completely and utterly unsure of his place in the world. Kelly takes the wheel and he could stop her if he wanted to - but what else would he do? It’s easier to just follow someone else’s plan, no matter how nebulous and uncertain it may be. 

And then something happens. The Nephilim’s power flows through him and Cas feels strong. He feels focused and like he has a purpose again. A part to play in making the world better. He has something he hasn’t had in a very long time - he has faith. But you see the problem still hasn’t been solved, he may have faith now, but he still doesn’t have any faith in himself. He doesn’t see his value outside of being a tool, an instrument, existing only to be of service to the bigger players. 

I think season 12 did a really great job in highlighting the dichotomy in Cas’ motivations that we’ve been seeing for a while now. He wants to be of service, he needs a purpose to feel like he has a place in this world, but it’s not a desire that’s based on unfeeling duty anymore. 

Cas feels things so very strongly and yet he’s still acutely aware that he’s not human - something season 14 (particularly 14x14) spent time exploring. Season 15 too actually. He wants to belong. He wants to be wanted, to be loved. He wants a home.

And yet…he also knows (or thinks he knows) what it is he actually has to do. Remember s9 and the extended focus on “I did what I had to do.” When Dean asked Cas back then if he was ok with giving up his human life to become an angel again, Cas’ response was essentially that it didn’t matter - he did what he had to do. 

Cas wants to feel loved, valued, cherished but yet he also thinks his role in this last big fight against God is to sacrifice himself so that the chosen players, namely Sam, Dean, Jack can have a better chance. Not only is this a consistent trait in Cas that we can follow all the way back, but I’m just so in awe that they actually spent so much time in s12 actually exploring Cas’ state of mind and what drives him to feel this way. It’s just very narratively satisfying.

Ok yeah this is long so I’ll post the other parts in separate posts soon, because there’s a lot to say in those too.

[mittensmorgul]

Watching from the pilot episode after 14.20 is just... nine levels of satisfying. ALL the themes are here, but it’s like being able to watch an entirely new series. Dabb captured EVERYTHING and showed us that all of it was there all along if you just knew and understood the perspective would even ever exist to be able to see it this way. He pulled my favorite meta point and made it textual:

Perspective shift changes EVERYTHING. The physical narrative hasn’t changed at all, but our ability to see it for what it is has shifted. And the result is GLORIOUS.

It’s like 14.20 gave us the Jeopardy answer, and looping back to the pilot episode replies with the question.

(considering Dabb referenced Jeopardy! in 14.20 makes me think he actually planned this exact observation)

So many off the Big Themes of the entire series are here to see from this perspective, too:

lies vs selectively omitting the truth to protect people

what we do for family, and what family means

manipulation -- right down to the MotW, the woman in white:

Dean at the computer researching “murder” and getting zero results, because they expected a vengeful spirit to be motivated by murder, but this whole case was something they didn’t expect-- from John “disappearing” to laying this false trail to push them into going hunting again together. Their perceptions influenced their beliefs and their actions in response, because they couldn’t see the bigger picture. The information they’re given is deceptive from the start, right down to the story they’re given about the Woman in White:

They’re told her children’s deaths were accidental, she looked away for just a minute, and when she looked back they were drowned in the bath. They’re told she went mad with grief and guilt and jumped off the bridge because of it. But that’s not what really happened at all. And they’re incapable of stopping her until they truly understand what actually happened-- that she was angry at her husband for cheating on her with another woman and deliberately drowned her own children in a fit of rage before killing herself, only to regret it all once she was dead. Only then can they see that the way to stop her is to force her to face what she’d done, to directly confront the children whose lives she destroyed.

They had the wrong story. It had all sounded perfectly plausible, but within the context of the misinformation, they would never be able to see the bigger picture or be able to find the proper conclusion that would end this recurring cycle of the Woman In White’s vengeance, enacted over and over on whomever happened to be driving by.

DEAN So this is where Constance took the swan dive. SAM: So you think Dad would have been here? DEAN: Well, he's chasing the same story and we're chasing him.

Chasing stories. Which is what Chuck has been watching them do for his own entertainment. And this moment, Dean is SO CLOSE to understanding that he’s not chasing another story, but his own, paralleling their hunt for the WoW to their hunt for John, not understanding that John is deliberately laying a trail for them to follow, drawing them along through specifically chosen cases almost as if he’s preparing them for what’s to come while also trying to shield them from being able to see the whole truth yet...

SAM: Okay, so now what? DEAN: Now we keep digging until we find him. Might take a while. SAM: Dean, I told you, I've gotta get back by Monday— DEAN: Monday. Right. The interview. SAM: Yeah. DEAN: Yeah, I forgot. You're really serious about this, aren't you? You think you're just going to become some lawyer? Marry your girl? SAM: Maybe. Why not? DEAN: Does Jessica know the truth about you? I mean, does she know about the things you've done? SAM: No, and she's not ever going to know. DEAN: Well, that's healthy. You can pretend all you want, Sammy. But sooner or later you're going to have to face up to who you really are. SAM: And who's that? DEAN: You're one of us. SAM: No. I'm not like you. This is not going to be my life. DEAN: You have a responsibility to— SAM: To Dad? And his crusade? If it weren't for pictures I wouldn't even know what Mom looks like. And what difference would it make? Even if we do find the thing that killed her, Mom's gone. And she isn't coming back. DEAN: Don't talk about her like that.

And here we have lies and damn lies, understanding who they are and what they are and their place in the universe. Back then they thought it was something completely different, but through the years they’ve come to a larger and larger understanding, until 14.20 when they finally saw the Whole Truth, directly, with their own eyes.

Dean talks about this throughout the entire series-- about only believing what he can see for himself. Well, he’s finally had that final curtain ripped down. And it’s reflected in microcosm at every level of the story, going back to the pilot.

Remember when Cas was one of those things he couldn’t believe in at first, even after being presented with the evidence of Cas’s existence? Yeah, I do too. :’)

While typing this, 1.02 played, touching on all of these themes but also the big theme of how Sam and Dean deal with the general public when they’re exposed to the supernatural. Lies, truth, what part of the truth is actually helpful and what part only leads to pointless suffering. Watching Wendigo after watching 14.16 is an eye-opening experience about storytelling.

I feel like s14 provides the secret decoder ring for the entire series, and damn is it ever Cookietacular.

[thewhiterabbit42]

WIP Tournament

Week 1 - Soulmates vs Somniphobia

Soulmates  [Gabriel x reader]: Every world Chuck’s created may be different, but there are some threads that remain universal, and Sam, Dean, and Castiel try to use it to their advantage to save their reality from descending into darkness.

Somniphobia [Dean x reader, Gabriel x reader]: Nothing’s the same since Gabriel’s return, including the night terrors you’ve had since you were a child.  The more you experience these, however, the less you’re certain that’s what they are.  

Below the cut are 300-500 ~1000 words from the beginning of each WIP and some general tags for each story.  Vote for the one you want to see continued in the next round by:

Sending an Ask (anon’s allowed)

Leaving a comment on this post or in the body/tags of reblogs

Voting is open until midnight 6/7.  Thanks in advance to everyone who participates and keeps my muse going!

Soulmates

Preview warnings: none

General story tags: series, dark fic, canon divergent, post S14, dark(ish) Gabriel, slow burn, eventual smut [additional tags withheld to avoid spoilers]

You’re told you’re important, so much so that there are people ready to fight and die at a moment’s notice for you, but you don’t understand why your life is worth more than anyone else’s.  

You’re told you’re lucky.  Hundreds of people are out there, alone and defenseless, but you have the Winchesters and the seraphim, Castiel, to protect you.  

You’re told you’ll understand when you get there.  It will all make sense.  You’ll just know, and it sounds one degree away how parents pacify a questioning child.

You’re told so many things, about angels and demons, zombies and God.  The seraphim, Sam, and Dean are a wealth of knowledge, and it’s clear their intelligence and determination is much of what’s preventing monsters from swallowing this world whole.

Yet, for all their wisdom and abilities, you don’t understand why none of them can tell you who you really are.

They say your name is Ana, but it feels the same as when they tell you how the world came to be like this: empty, foreign, and one hundred percent certifiable.  

You can’t remember a thing from before you woke up to the three of them standing over you while you suffered from what felt like a universal sized hangover.  They’d practically had to drag you from the building as it became swarmed, and there isn’t much you recall from that either other than snarls and snaps and screams.  

If you didn’t know better, you would swear this is just one, long nightmare.  

The fact you can’t take ten steps without getting whacked by a zombie, spirit, or demon convinces you otherwise.  Rather, the constant pain of it does.  Memory or not, you’re pretty certain you’ve never hurt his much in your life, and if that’s not true, then it’s a blessing your past has vanished.

Sometimes it feels like you’ve been sucked into a work of fiction and are living someone else’s story.  Most days, however, it simply feels like Hell on earth, which you imagine is the entire point of an apocalypse.   

It takes you all of a day to realize you don’t like being told.  What to do.  How to act.  When to drop it.  Anything by the seraphim.  It could be information overload, or maybe how he acts like saving your life somehow gives him the right to control it.  

There’s just as much that they don’t tell you, like why you’re so special or where you’re even going.  Nobody knows, except the trio because it’s too important.  

The seraphim attempts to drop a scholarly essay on you about the fickleness of human nature and how easily persuaded it becomes during times of uncertainty and duress.  Dean thankfully breaks it down for you in much more relevant terms.  

“Demons are convincing people to go darkside without possessing them.  Promising them favors and rewards, the usual bullshit.”

You’re thankful for his candor, but that’s as far as it extends, his lips as sealed as tightly as the seraphim’s.  You might have an in with the gentle, if not overly pensive giant that accompanies them, but every time you think you have a moment alone with Sam, one of the others appears and the opportunity slips away.  

Whatever you were before this is clearly not useful.  There’s no muscle memory or instinct to guide you.  You are so far out of your element, and watching them cut through monsters like they’re nothing make you question how long you’ll actually survive.  

You won’t.  You’re not meant for this world.  You don’t suppose anyone is, really.  Who’s born to go up against such impossible odds?  To live in fear and witness such gruesome horrors?

You know you need them, which is why you don’t push for answers.  Not at first.  But you’re only human, and as the days stretch on in front of you, your ability to blindly trust there’s a reason for this all erodes with every fresh body that’s left in your wake.  

It’s not that they’re heartless.  You see the toll it takes every time they’re forced to ignore a cry for help, or watch another ally sacrifice themselves for the cause.  But you don’t operate this way, on secrets and orders and the greater good, especially when you can’t fathom how you could be part of it.

They’re not a chatty bunch to begin with, but the car is particularly silent after your protest.  Sam’s features are pinched in thought, worry more than anything seeping through the surface.  Dean is not impressed, though he hasn’t said a word.  The seraphim, however, is pissed.

There’s no doubt in your mind if one of the men had lectured you, you’d have simply tuned them out, but there’s no ignoring the seraphim when he’s mad.  Fire and brimstone may not fall from his lips, but there was plenty of Heaven’s wrath in his eyes.  

“What you did was stupid and reckless, and the moment you left this car you put everyone on this planet in jeopardy.”  He thunders, blue burning so fierce it begins to glow.  “Do you have anything to say for yourself?”

“I didn’t ask for this!” You hiss, jabbing him hard in the center of his trenchcoat, sorely tempted to jump out of the car for the second time that day.    

You flex your free hand, grimacing at their rawness as you briefly wonder if you’ve ever had road rash before.  The zombie bite to the shoulder, however, you’re pretty certain is a new one.  

You move your hand again, the discomfort temporarily distracting you from the persistent, burning throb that’s beginning to spread down your arm.

For someone so important, you’d think they’d do a better job of patching you up.  

Somniphobia

Preview warnings: none

General story tags: one shot (?), canon divergent, dark fic, dark(ish) Gabriel, love triangle

“One.”  A solitary finger appears over the edge of your lorebook, dragging it down to reveal determined shades of gold.  

Even though it’s futile, you have to at least attempt to change the topic.  “One more victim before we hit a double digit body count?”  

As expected, it’s like you haven’t even spoken.  

“One night,” Gabriel insists, using both his hands to push your book flat onto the table. “Let me take you out of this dismal hole in the ground for one evening and do something fun like we used to.”

You sigh, loudly, hoping this might be the time he takes the hint.  He doesn’t, and you end up having to push his grip away from the pages so you can try to go back to reading.  “I’m in the middle of helping Dean.”

“What?  He suddenly out of thumbs and unable to crack a book himself?”  The archangel snarks.  There’s an unusual thrum of impatience beneath his words.  Not that it’s uncommon for him to be irritable these days.  He’s just not usually with you.

“We’re a team,” you remind him.  Not that you’re certain he understands the concept.  He might act like he’s the newest member of Team Free Will, but you have a sneaking suspicion it’s because so far there’s the payoff of finishing his hit list and getting to stick his dick in something.  

“For crying out loud,” he hisses, all pretense of patience vanishing.  “Are you ever gonna come off that?  It was one time.”

Between you, Sam, and Dean, you’re aware of at least three, and you try hard not to think about how high the actual number is if all of you have managed to catch them.  

You’re not certain what upsets you more.  That he’s clearly hit it off with Rowena.  That he’s lying to your face about it, or maybe it’s the likelihood he’s still doing it even as he’s on a mission to rekindle your friendship in what increasingly feels like not so platonic ways.

You know he’s been through a lot.  You know the horrors he’s experienced are the kinds of things that change someone.  You still accept him, whatever variant he may be now, but knowing about Rowena still smarts.  More than you’d like to admit.  More than you know is fair.  Nonetheless, it does, and you’ve had enough disappointment in your life than to want to know how much it will hurt to become just another one night stand to him.

“C’mon, sweetheart, what will it take to convince you to give me a chance?”

You purse your lips, refusing to answer him, no different than the time before, the one before that, or the several before that.

“I need to focus right now.”  End of discussion.

From the corner of your eye you can see his hand raising, fingers poised for that trademark snap.  The moment it echoes around the room you sigh, flipping the book shut and folding your arms over your chest like a sullen child.

You know what he’s done, and as happy as you should be that there is one less monster in the world, you hate it when he swoops in to save the day.  Before, there was a thread of altruism running through most of his actions.  Now, it’s whatever serves his interests in the moment, and another reminder that the Gabriel you knew is gone.

The archangel, on the other hand, looks positively pleased with himself.

“Want to know what it was?”

You look him square in the eye.  "A power move?“

Your not certain what happens in these moments when everything stills and he looks almost unnatural. ��It’s too subtle for human perception, but whatever it is makes you incredibly uneasy beyond the brief second it occurs.  

“Thanks for the help, Gabriel,” he smiles brightly, though it’s your voice that comes out of his mouth.  A slightly more sarcastic version, but still you nonetheless.

You scrub at your face, trying to do a hard reset with your mood.  He’s right.  Regardless of his motives, you should be grateful that no one else is going to get hurt.

“I’m sorry.”  You don’t mean to be such an ass.  He just has a way of bringing that out in you these days.  “I’m just tired.  Thank you.”

There’s a pause before his eyes narrow.  “Are you having nightmares again?”

They’re not exactly nightmares.  Night terrors, perhaps, though you think the official term is sleep paralysis.  All of it’s just an easier way of saying you’re such a hot mess that you can’t even manage to wake up from sleep normally.  

They started when you were a kid, and they tend to really ramp up when you’re under stress.   

Which, given your line of work and the company you keep, tends to be a lot.  

What Gabriel doesn’t know is how bad they’ve been since he died… or rather faked his own death and took off to fuck and party his way through existence.  

You’d also like to keep it that way.  

“It’s whatever,” you brush his concern aside.  “I should call Dean and let him know it’s done.”  

You need to get away from him, before your not so subtle pushes to keep him at arm’s length turn into shoves.  The more he tries to pretend like things haven’t changed, the more you resent him and not the monsters responsible for changing him into the warped version of your friend that’s returned.  

You stand up, but you haven’t even taken a step when he catches you by the arm.

“You know you can talk to me, right?”  All pretenses drop.  That soft underbelly of his emerges, in the quiet quality of his voice, resonating beneath his touch as his thumb strokes along your sleeve.

In these rare moments, he almost sounds like himself again, and they never fail to remind you how much you miss him: your Gabriel.  

You catch yourself before you lean into him, but you don’t stop the finger beneath your chin from making you look at him.  

The moment your eyes meet his you immediately regret it.  

There’s nothing there.  No warm flecks of gold.  No playful green.  Nothing but still waters surrounding vacuous depths that scare you with how infinite they seem.  

“I know I messed up.  With a lot of things.  With you.”  His confession is as startling as the emptiness that continues to echo through his gaze.  “But that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped caring.”  

You can’t help but feel like it’s forced, like he’s trying way too hard to be what he thinks you want him to be, and it hurts far more than him sleeping around ever could.  His sincerity is the last vestige of your friend you have to cling to, and if that, too, is gone, you’re not certain you know who is really standing in front of you.  

Soulmates or somniphobia?  Send and ask and let me know!

[unityghost]

Perception

Promised my readers a holiday-themed installment of Post-Asmodeus Sabriel Feels. Sorry it's a little late; I, too, wound up at a Christmas party and got distracted by a dinner comprised entirely of black coffee and homemade M&M cookies.

As I've said before, this series isn't always in order. If there's a special part of the story or a request or something, I'll jump forward or back in time. This takes place just a year after Gabriel's rescue (which I always figured took place in the fall, but I'm not fastidious about the timeline).

Anyway, happy holidays and thanks for reading!

Gabriel really thought he’d been ready. But the air was thick with perfume, spices, meat, wine - and he needed to find an exit.

Mary Winchester’s friends were throwing a holiday party several miles north of the Men of Letters bunker. Just over a year had passed since Gabriel’s rescue from Hell, and he’d insisted to Sam - who had shown skepticism - that he could handle a crowd, and that he would probably enjoy seeing somewhere new. After all, Gabriel had accompanied them on a few hunts here and there and, for the most part, been fine.

Except that that was partly because his grace was now often at full strength. When Gabriel had enough of it on hand, he could shut out smells and sounds that drudged up bad memories. And while it was harder to ignore things that he could see in front of him, his grace gave him access to a clearer head and more self-control.

Yet even as his grace remained mostly steady, there were days when it fluctuated for no apparent reason. Gabriel had had moments when he would try and protect himself against things that upset him, only to find that he couldn’t. Inevitably, now and again he was compelled to eat to maintain his grace levels, or to get a few hours of rest.

After almost a thousand years of having it clawed out of him, perhaps Gabriel should have expected this quasi-gracelessness - this never knowing whether he would be at full power, or some power, or no power. But he’d been so desperate to get his grace back that he hadn’t once stopped to think that it might not be the same as it had been before.

It was exhausting. He simply wanted the random ebb and flow of grace to stop - even if it meant leaving him with no grace at all. That was better than wanting his grace and sometimes having access to it, then having it torn out of his grasp within a matter of hours.

Now, swallowed up by the crowd of strangers, he wove his way towards the door, all the while snatching glimpses of unfamiliar forms and faces. The Christmas jazz playing in the background flowed in and out of his ears - a brass rendition of Hark, the Herald Angels Sing.

It suddenly struck him that he couldn’t remember the last time he’d sung anything. He had once had a good voice, but hated to think what centuries of silence might have done to it.

“Gabriel?”

Gabriel jumped and whirled around, but relaxed when he saw who it was. “Cas. What’s up?”

Castiel frowned. “Are you going somewhere?”

“No - I just needed a second of the outside world, that’s all.”

“Is something wrong?”

Gabriel waved a dismissive hand. “My grace is acting up. I was feeling a little too warm.”

Castiel looked closely at him. “Then why are you so white?”

“Oh my god Castiel, you can’t just ask people why they’re white.”

Cas looked at him blankly.

“Ask Dean; he loves that movie. Anyway, I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“May I come with you?”

Taken off-guard, Gabriel considered. One he got outside, he wasn’t sure what to expect from himself: there were things he may not want Castiel to see. On the other hand, Castiel had already witnessed some of Gabriel’s darkest moments, so perhaps there was no good reason to resist.

“All right,” said Gabriel. “Let’s go.”

They pushed through the remainder of the crowd, and Castiel opened the front door so that they could step outside together. Gabriel immediately regretted leaving his coat behind - he’d brought it to the gathering because iffy grace made him sensitive to cold - but didn’t dare go back inside to retrieve it.

“May I touch you?” Castiel asked.

Gabriel cast him a quizzical glance. “Okay.”

Castiel laid a hand on Gabriel’s shoulder and squeezed it. “I can tell something’s bothering you.”

Gabriel looked away. “Long night. Funky grace. Leaves me feeling kind of antsy.”

“No, I recognize the look on your face. Something’s upset you.”

Gabriel swallowed.

“Tell me,” Castiel said softly.

Gabriel’s shoulders slumped. “I don’t know, Cas; I - there’s this feeling I get, this awful feeling. It screws with how I see the whole world. It makes things seem … perverted. Dark. Sick. People, places, whatever's in front of me. And it happens when I get wound up because of some stupid noise or smell or whatever. So I just … I needed to come out here and cool off.”

Castiel clutched his shoulder more firmly. “What made you feel that way just now?”

Gabriel’s stomach turned. “Don’t. Don’t make me talk about it.”

“Gabriel, if - ”

“Guys?”

They both looked up to find Sam leaning out the door, looking puzzled.

“Hello, Sam,” Castiel acknowledged.

“What’re you doing out here? I saw you heading toward the door and tried to follow but, uh …” He stepped outside and shut the door behind him. “One of Mom’s friends had a few too many glasses of champagne and was getting a little close for comfort.”

“Gross,” said Gabriel.

“Why are you out here?”

“Gabriel was feeling uneasy,” Cas explained before Gabriel could respond.

Sam’s face fell. “What happened?”

“I, uh …” Gabriel scratched the back of his neck. “Thought I’d clear my head. Nothing crazy.” Except me, he added silently.

Sam stepped closer, examining him. “You look like you’re going to puke.”

“I’m not. Seriously - just a few minutes and I’ll be okay. Now get back inside; Mary’s bachelorettes are waiting for you.”

“No, I think I’m having more fun out here.”

“Then Cas, go check on Dean and make sure he doesn’t need a liver transplant. At least one of you needs to be off angel-sitting duty.”

Castiel glanced between the two of them before meeting Sam’s gaze, and Gabriel recognized their unspoken agreement: He needs you, Sam, but I’m close by if you need me.

Gabriel’s insides twisted with guilt.

Castiel went back into the house and Sam, who’d had the sense to wear a coat, turned back to Gabriel. “So you weren’t up for it after all, I guess.”

“Welp,” said Gabriel, “I’m big enough to admit when I’m wrong. Normal life is beyond my league. Why’d you even listen to me in the first place? Clearly my judgment’s every bit as whacked out as I am.”

“What’s going on?”

Gabriel sighed, looking away. “My grace is wonky tonight. So I couldn’t block out all the smells and the music and the voices and I ... I started to feel sick.”

Sam nodded. “You want me to tell Dean and Cas it’s time to head out?”

“No way! Let them have their fun. Ignore me and my passive-aggressive constitution.”

“All right. How are you feeling now?”

Gabriel hesitated, and considered telling Sam that he felt better. But Sam had a frustratingly keen eye for the truth, so perhaps it wasn’t worth the effort. “Pretty bent out of shape, I guess. I … it’s that gross feeling I get where everything seems …”

“I think you’ve described it as ‘grotesque.’”

“Yeah. That.”

“Huh.” Sam thought. “You want me to ride it out with you?”

Gabriel shrugged.

“You know I don’t mind,” Sam insisted. “Especially with Lorelei in there trying to get me into the corner.”

“If you want to.” A gust of wind whipped against Gabriel’s face, speckling it with snow.

“You’re freezing,” Sam observed. “What happened to your - ”

“Inside.”

“I can go get it for you.”

Now that Sam had offered to stay, Gabriel squirmed at the notion of being left on his own again. “No. Don’t. I have a nice cozy sweater.”

“A sweater and limited grace.” Sam shrugged off his own jacket and offered it to Gabriel.

Gabriel rolled his eyes. “Don’t be a martyr. The last thing I need on my conscience is a Samsicle.”

“Take it,” Sam insisted. “Even at full stock you haven’t gained enough weight to keep you warm. I have three times the insulation you do. Here.”

“You’re annoying,” Gabriel replied, but accepted the coat and slipped it on. It was like being draped in a duvet. “Good, this’ll bulk me up a solid ten pounds.”

“Gabriel,” said Sam, “Why didn’t you come find me?”

“Obviously because you were busy getting it on with Lorelei.”

“I’m serious; what made you decide to run out into the cold by yourself?”

Gabriel shifted his feet on the damp driveway. “I don’t know. I guess … I guess I started to panic a little. For a second there I thought I would vomit on some innocent partygoer. And I’m not interested in looking like the town drunk.”

“What about now?”

“Now? I just feel stupid.”

“What else?”

“I don’t know, Sigmund. Just overall pretty disgusting.”

“It’ll pass.” Sam tried to sound reassuring, but Gabriel could hear the concern underneath.

“I could feel it coming on all night,” Gabriel admitted, lowering his gaze to his feet. “But I was hoping it’d wear off once I got used to being here.” He shivered, huddled inside Sam’s jacket, trying to quell the nausea raking at his throat. “I really thought I was on my way out of this. And my grace … sometimes it fluctuates by the hour.”

“I know. Give it some time. I’m sure it’ll get back to normal sooner or later.”

“Yeah, well, hopefully in less than another eight and a half centuries.”

“Your grace is stronger than that.”

“Maybe. Used to be, anyway.” Gabriel looked up, watching the snow swirl down more heavily. It made him dizzy. “Sam?”

“Yeah?”

Gabriel’s voice trembled. “It’s not letting up. I feel …”

Sam reached out and touched his shoulder. “Is it something particular or you can’t really figure it out?”

“They were about to have a whole feast in there. The meat, it’s … you know.”

“Right. I remember.”

One of the lowest points of recovery, at least in Gabriel’s mind, had been set off by the powerful odor of Dean’s lamb recipe. Gabriel’s response was to lose awareness of his surroundings so that Sam practically had to drag him out of the kitchen. Secure in Sam’s bedroom, Gabriel had admitted to confessing in detail how Asmodeus had torn out his viscera and forced it down his throat. Once the truth was in the open, Gabriel lapsed into a fit of panic. The only good to come out of that episode had been an increased faith in Sam’s willingness to deal with Gabriel at his worst.

“And,” Gabriel went on, still avoiding eye contact, “There was perfume all over the place, and body heat, and … I just couldn’t stay in there.”

Sam creased his brow. “Perfume bothers you?”

“Hell has a robust inventory of succubi. And they smell like rose gardens until it comes time to rip their victims open and you can just about tastethe shredded organs in the air.” He struggled to get a full breath. “Being surrounded by all those people I didn’t know … everyone close enough to touch … the music …” He grimaced. “I don’t know what it was about the music. Reminded me of better days and somehow made everything worse at the same time. So all of that and now I feel like I’m not here.”

“No, hey, you’re okay.” Sam spoke gently. “Nothing is going to hurt you, Gabriel.”

Gabriel closed his eyes. “That was too much.”

“Yeah, I know, but we’re outside now.”

“It isn’t going away on its own; it - sometimes it last for hours. I can’t do that tonight. I can’t. Not again.” Gabriel opened his eyes and hugged himself, a protective reflex that still refused to die even after all this time.

“Then let me help,” Sam answered. “What can I do to keep you from getting caught up in that feeling, Gabriel? Here - ” Sam reached down and took Gabriel’s hand. “That feels safe, right? It doesn’t feel like that messed-up world you see around you, does it?”

Gabriel looked down at their hands. His was small and pale. “No.”

“Good. So. I want you to focus on that, all right? Just hold on. You’ll get both feet in the present, I promise.”

Gabriel nodded.

“And if you don’t think you can do anything about it, that’s okay too. All right? No one’s mad. No one’s going to be angry if you have a little trouble keeping it together.”

“Okay.”

There were a few moments of quiet. Then Gabriel said, “I feel sick.”

“You haven’t had anything to eat over the last few days. Your grace was fine, right?”

Gabriel shook his head, suddenly feeling panicked. “Yeah, well, now it isn’t. And I think I have to throw up. Crap Sam, I’m sorry - ”

“No, no, hey, we’ve talked about that. It’s all right.”

Gabriel let go of Sam’s hand to bend double over the snowy pavement. “You’re supposed to be inside enjoying yourself. And I - ”

“Calm down,” Sam placed a hand on Gabriel’s back. “Just calm down.”

Gabriel spat onto the pavement, trembling. Once he began gagging he found that Sam was right: there was nothing in his stomach except bile. Once he got that out, he retched over and over, bringing up nothing; and yet his body was desperate for release, for proof that some part of him was not locked in place.

“Easy, Gabe,” Sam said softly.

Gabriel heaved again, then grated out, “Sorry. Gross and pointless.”

“Don’t talk about Dean that way.”

Gabriel didn’t smile. “That hurt like a bitch.”

“Because you had nothing to throw up.”

“In that case I shouldn’t have been sick to my stomach in the first place.” Tremulously, he straightened back up. “But I guess psychosis doesn’t play fair, does it?”

“You’re not psychotic, Gabriel. It makes sense that you’d get scared by something that’s indicated a real threat before.”

“Sam, I - ” Gabriel huddled deeper inside Sam’s coat, trying to keep warm but also making a vague attempt to hide. “Sometimes I think - I think I’m borderline hallucinating.”

Sam frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“Like …” Gabriel tried to figure out just how he wanted to explain. “Like sometimes I think he’s in the room with me. Feels like he’s standing there. My skin crawls, Sam. As if he’s breathing down my neck.” He shook his head. “But of course it’s always just my mind playing filthy tricks.”

“Gabriel, that still doesn’t sound anywhere near psychotic. You’re just on edge all the time because you weren’t allowed to let your guard down when you were with Asmodeus. It’ll go away. I used to get that too - Lucifer standing right next to me.”

But Sam looked uncertain, and Gabriel knew what he was thinking: things were different now, because eventually Lucifer really was at his side.

“I don’t know,” Gabriel went on, trying not to think about how Asmodeus, too, could come back to him. “Maybe it’ll stop someday. Maybe my grace’ll return. Maybe Castiel will learn how to play Cards Against Humanity without trying to be logical instead of hilarious. Who cares anymore, Sam? You guys - you’re lucky. Lucky you have such short lives. Must make things a hell of a lot easier.”

There was a long silence, broken only by a harsh gust of wind and a burst of laughter from inside the house.

“Whoops,” said Gabriel.

Sam took a deep, slow breath, then exhaled a silvery cloud of air.

“What can I say to deflect a diatribe?” asked Gabriel.

Sam didn’t reply, and Gabriel couldn’t read his expression.

“Maybe you should go back in,” Gabriel suggested.

But instead, Sam spoke. His voice was low, almost foreboding. “I thought you’d moved on from that. But I guess you just haven’t brought it up.”

Gabriel stiffened. “Well, it doesn’t exactly make for uplifting conversation.”

“And how many of our conversations qualify as ‘uplifting’?”

Gabriel shrugged. “You take a very zen approach to most things. ‘You’ll get better.’ ‘Nothing is permanent.’ ‘Be patient with yourself.’ So I’m pretty sure you go for uplifting. But me? I’m hopeless, Sam. We both know that; I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it until one of us dies.”

“Gabriel, you just have to wait for your grace to - ”

“Even if my grace levels even out, there’s no guarantee that the rest of this won’t last forever. And you, your brother, your mom - every one of you has a definite end. For me, the only surefire stopping point is an archangel blade where it hurts.”

Sam’s eyes brightened with terror. “I can’t have you thinking that way.”

“Me neither.” The calmness of Gabriel’s voice surprised even him. “That’s the problem. It’s torture, Sam. Sometimes I think I’m no better off without Asmodeus than with him. The only difference is at least when I was down there, I got what I deserved. But pulling the emergency brakes would be a double win: I get what’s coming to me, and after that I don’t even have to think about it.”

Reflexively, because he didn’t want to watch Sam’s reaction, Gabriel turned away and stared into the snowfall, letting his eyes trace the patterns of individual flakes as they fell to the ground.

As a full minute went by without a response, Gabriel realized that Sam must be furious. In the past, Sam had reacted with rage to such words.

Gabriel’s heartbeat picked up, and he felt dangerously close to another round of dry-heaving. Was it really a good idea to stay facing away from Sam? Should Gabriel even try to defend himself? After all, what was the point of protection when his behavior - his entire existence - warranted every moment of whatever was coming next?

Gabriel whimpered, body tight with anticipation.

But when nothing happened, when the silence stretched on, he slowly turned around.

“Sam!” Gabriel was so startled that he forgot to be afraid. “Sam, what the hell?”

Sam didn’t say anything, just stood still and watched Gabriel through eyes flooded with tears.

Gabriel stared in horror. “Sam?”

“What am I supposed to expect from you, Gabriel?” Sam’s voice was strangled. “Am I just supposed to start bracing myself for a dead body every time I step into your room?”

Gabriel shrunk away. “I guess not as long as you keep the blade locked somewhere I can’t find it.”

Sam snorted. “Oh yeah? Sure sounds like you’re determined to find it one way or another.”

“I’m not! I just …”

When Gabriel didn’t continue, Sam’s gaze hardened. “You just what?”

Gabriel felt a sudden urge to dart away from Sam, into the liberty of darkness; into a gaping, unfamiliar space; into dangers he knew should have already been thrown in his path; into a broad, cold world in which he would never have to make anyone look at him ever again. “I just … sort of keep my eyes open for it.”

Sam gritted his teeth. “You don’t need me to tell you that it amounts to the same thing! Besides, Gabriel - where’s the line? When does ‘I just keep my eyes open’ become ‘sometimes I move things out of the way to see if the blade’s there’? You’re not going to realize when this changes into something you can't stop. And I won’t see it until it’s too late because you won’t let me! You know what’s gonna happen? What’s gonna happen is you’re going to let this grow and grow until one day you look at it and realize it’s not the ‘maybe’ that you used to play around with.”

Gabriel took a step back, terrified by the light in Sam’s eyes. “Sam, you’re wrong; it’s not the same thing. This - this is a more, ah ... casual approach.”

“Well then how about no approach, Gabriel? What do you expect me to do with this? Am I gonna have to put you on lockdown just to make sure you don’t throw a whole year of work down the toilet?”

Gabriel gave a choked cry. “No, don’t lock me up. Don’t. Don’t do that, please. You haven’t wasted your time, Sam; I promise you haven’t - I’m still working on - ”

“It’s not my time, Gabriel; it’s yours! You gave just as much as I did and I know you know that! Somewhere in you, some part of you that Asmodeus never touched, you know that!”

From within the house, the Christmas music grew louder. God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen.

Gabriel lowered his head and clutched his hair in both fists.

“Gabriel, say something!” Sam snapped. “Or I’m taking you back to the bunker now whether you want me to or not!”

“Sam, stop,” Gabriel whimpered.

“Then tell me what you expect me to do with what you just told me!”

Gabriel tightened his grip. “No, stop! Sam, I believe you!”

“You’re lying.”

“I’m not! I have no reason not to trust you on this! You’ve never given me any reason not to trust you!” His breathing quickened and he could feel tears forming in his own eyes as he made a frantic attempt to deflect Sam’s rage. “I’m sorry I don’t trust you. That’s on me. Because I don’t know how to trust you. I don’t trust anyone; I can’t. But if you think Asmodeus didn’t totally demolish me, maybe - maybe you’re right; I don’t know.” He let out a sob. “I’m trying, Sam! I’m really trying!”

Sam shook his head. “If you’re trying, how can you still be on the hunt for the blade?”

“I’m trying not to be!”

“Then why haven’t you told me what’s going through your head?”

“Because I keep hoping it’ll go away!” Gabriel began to cry more forcefully, still clutching his hair. “I’m sorry, Sam! I’m not expecting you to fix what’s wrong with me, but I’m not ready for you to change your mind. I know, I know, Sam, that I have no right to make you into the difference between me trying and me giving up, but - ” Gabriel let his hands slide from his hair to cover his face. “But you are.”

He felt Sam studying him from a few feet away. It was like being stripped, not quite in the way Asmodeus had done it but more as though someone were searching him for a bruise or infection.

“Gabriel.”

This time, when Gabriel looked into Sam’s face, he saw more resolve - more of the firm conviction that Gabriel could and would escape the worst possible damage.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Sam’s voice was quiet and gentle now. “So I guess neither are you.”

Gabriel thought of all the reasons Sam would choose not to stay and help - thought of all the blunders that might lead to the same penalties inflicted every time Asmodeus spotted the wrong movement, heard the wrong turn of phrase, spotted the wrong place to stand or sit or lie down; thought of how Sam was standing in a sweater, snowflakes gathering in his hair, while Gabriel had not earned the privilege of warmth.

“I’m sorry I scared you,” Sam said, interrupting his thoughts. “I just don’t want you to do anything to yourself. I don’t want you to hide from me, Gabriel. Because the longer you stow it away like this, the bigger it’s going to get. The harder it’ll be to move past it. So I’m not going to punish you if you let me know you’re feeling like you might do something serious, okay? I won’t. But you have to give someone a heads up. Even if you don’t want to.” He paused. “Especially if you don’t want to.”

Gabriel lowered his face again, letting the tears freeze against his cheeks.

“It’s cold,” Sam pointed out.

Immediately, Gabriel started to wriggle of out Sam’s coat.

Sam grabbed his wrist. “I’m fine. I just noticed that you were shivering.”

Gabriel shook his head. “That’s not why.”

“Oh. Got it. Okay, let me help.”

Gabriel didn’t try to fight when Sam pulled him into a hard, warm grip. It was strange to feel the snow at his back and the gentle beat of Sam’s heart against his ear. He trembled, letting the fear and the shame envelop him and no longer trying to force down the sense that he was still with Asmodeus.

As though reading his mind, Sam said, “You’re right here. I’m right here. Everything’s gonna be okay.”

Gabriel sucked in a jerky breath. “Takes - takes just a little Christmas cheer and suddenly I’m a basket case with no eggs in my basket.”

“Hey, I think you’ve still got one or two.”

“No thanks to me.”

Sam squeezed tighter.

“Flaky grace,” Gabriel murmured. “It’s a bitch.”

“It’ll get back to normal.”

“But how long am I going to have to wait?”

“I guess there’s no telling. Just let it go at its own pace.” Sam made to pull away, but Gabriel held on.

“Don’t,” Gabriel moaned. “Don’t do that.”

“Okay.” Sam pulled him close again. “Okay, sorry. I’m right here.”

Gabriel shut his eyes again. He could have fallen asleep standing up. This, being held like this, might be the only way to stop the nightmares.

“I hate being so freakin’ scared,” Gabriel said thickly. “It’s like a house of horrors. I wish I could describe it better, but I don’t know how to explain what a bad dream feels like. No control. No escape. This riles me up in a way nothing else can.”

“Ssh, it’s okay. Just let yourself breathe. Let it wear off.”

Gabriel turned his head so that his face was buried in Sam’s chest. He was long past caring about humiliating himself. “I can’t take this. I need it to stop.”

“I know,” Sam said softly. “I know, Gabriel. Let’s wait for it to quiet down together.”

“I think I’m going to start throwing up again.”

“No you’re not. Hold onto me, okay? Just focus on that. Block out everything else and just try to feel safe.”

Before Gabriel could reply, the door opened once more and Castiel stepped outside. “Sam, is everything all right?”

“We’re okay,” Sam said.

“How is he?”

“Taking a breather.”

“Does he need to lie down?”

Gabriel jerked his head up. “No.” He didn’t want to go inside.

Castiel looked him up and down, then nodded. “It’s late. Gabriel, if your grace is low, you must be tired. Let’s go back to the bunker.”

“That’s true,” Sam muttered to Gabriel. “It’s at least ten o’ clock and it takes three hours to get home even when it’s not snowing.”

“All right.” Gabriel’s voice was hoarse.

This time, when Sam released him, Gabriel didn’t try to hold on.

“You’re with us, right?” Sam asked under his breath. “You’re here?”

“Mostly.”

Sam turned to Castiel. “How far gone is my brother? I’m going to to stay in the back with Gabriel, so you’ll have to drive if Dean can’t.”

“Dean doesn’t want anyone else at the wheel even in the best of circumstances. The second he saw the snow, he decided it was better to refrain from overindulgence.”

“You ever want to see Dean exercise self-control, just threaten him with his car.”

“I’ll find him. Wait here.”

Once Castiel had gone back in, Gabriel collapsed against Sam again.

“Hey,” said Sam, surprised, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, Sam,” Gabriel replied. “I’m just sorry I thought I could do this. I wasn’t ready.”

“It’s okay. You tried.”

“I took you away from all the fun.”

“You took me away from a swarm of people I’ve never met and who I’ll probably never see again. The only time I’d do that voluntarily is if I were on a case. And besides, you know I want to help you.”

“I know.”

“Do you actually?”

“I’m not sure. But like I said, I’m trying.”

There were a few moments of silence, and only as the door re-opened to usher Dean and Castiel back into the snowy darkness did Sam answer, “I believe you.”