#as i've been in this situation i can make it a bit jokey for myself but i understand if people aren't comfortable

[vhaerath]

hey whats it like to be autistic, i forgor

So honestly, I kind of sat on this message for a long time because I was going to make a jokey response, then I was going to make a serious response, but I couldn't think about how to word the serious response.

A couple days ago I was walking around outside in the rain, and I was thinking about how much I might like to have been walking around in the rain with my boyfriend. And (as you, the asker, know) my boyfriend lives pretty far away from me like on the other side of the continent in Michigan, and we don't get to see each other a lot. I like seeing my boyfriend and it's nice to talk to him and be friends with him, but I don't want to see him all the time. I think this is the kind of thing that most romantic couples feel like, except the most obnoxious ones, but people seem to think my general reticence even from my boyfriend is a little odd (although BF seems okay with it so far).

Anyway while I was thinking about walking in the rain with my boyfriend, I was thinking about how much nicer it could have been if he lived closer to me so that we could do activities together. If he was closer and came over, I I wouldn't feel obligated to act like a "host", rather than a girlfriend who would just want to sit and relax with her boyfriend.

But like most thoughts, that was a pretty brief one, so then I was thinking while I was walking in the rain about how much I might like to go back to Japan some day. And I thought to myself, sort of offhandedly; wouldn't it be badass if I could just sit in an AirBnB for a bit in Japan and play some video games, but I was in Japan, so I was enjoying video games in Japan? And I'd have the leisure to go outside and do whatever I wanted in Japan, but I'd also have the leisure to come back and decompress from my day (in Japan)?

That was when the thought about your ask came to me, and I realized the commonality between my Japan-thought and my boyfriend-thought. Wouldn't it be nice if I had the leisure and the time in order to fully relax in my situation, instead of being expected to make the most of the situation, and logically knowing that my situation was limited in scope, so I should make the most of it?

I think as I've become an adult I've gotten used to a lot of external stimuli that I'm really sensitive to, as an autistic person. Still the differences between me and a "neurotypical" person are obvious and more vast than is immediately discerned by how I present. Sometimes there are times when I'm on a vacation and I think, I can't wait to get back to my hotel room so I can hole myself up in there and read a book or stare at the computer or hide under the covers and do nothing for several hours. Logically I know that I'm probably not the only person to feel this way, and this probably isn't an exclusive autistic experience. Anecdotally, my relatives and even some of my friends will all completely shut off from the world beyond their vacation for a few days and be completely happy with plunging themselves into this new stimulating experience immediately. I am The Weird One for slowly dipping my toes into it and then immediately needing to get back out of the pool again.

So I guess that's how I describe autism; it being taxing to enjoy a new stimulating experience when you have access to it for a brief time, but knowing your limited time to enjoy it means taxing yourself is the only option. I have the impression that that's the disabled experience in general-- deciding between taxing yourself or missing out.

[citrus-cactus]

fanfic ask game! 1, 3, 22, 55, 77!

Ask game is here!

1). Do you daydream a lot before you write, or go for it as soon as the ideas strike?

I tend to daydream a lot! I think that's a large part of my "outline" process these days: sooooo much thinking before committing anything to paper (which is not the best process, I'll admit! Because sometimes I end up forgetting things ;_;)

It used to be that a lot of my fanfic ideas were born out of pencil and paper sketches while letting my mind wander, which feels similar to the "daydream" process (and then I would brainstorm while drawing!)... but these days I don't do a lot of freeform drawing (;_;) and the brainstorming takes place almost exclusively in my head. Sometimes I'll have snippets and dialogue occur to me that need documentation NOW, so that feels more like a "when the idea strikes" sort of thing... and then when I've collected enough snippets/dialogue and have enough of a general idea where the fic is going to go, that's when I start writing in earnest!

3). Do you share your fic ideas, or do you keep them to yourself?

I tend to keep them to myself. I've been... trying to get better about this... maybe?? That was what last year's fic/WIP summary and the creative check-ins and some of my random, sporadic posts over the past few months have (partially) been about. But now that I look at them... I'm not sure it's clear to anyone but myself what the heck I'm working on?? I would like to get better at this, perhaps?? Summaries are good (lol), but I usually save those for last!

I think, because I publish fics so infrequently (and have WAY more abandoned ideas and WIPs than actual published works!), I default to being pretty secretive about my ideas. Mostly because I don't want to jinx myself with the inability to finish something; if no one knows about it but me, no one can be disappointed!! But also, since I almost exclusively write short one-shots, the element of surprise feels, somehow, important to preserve up until the moment of publishing. I'm not sure how to balance the two wolves inside me ("excited to share" and "SECRETS!!")

22). Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process? How do you come up with titles?

Usually during. A lot of my titles seem to crystalize during the daydream/brainstorming process... though again, sometimes I don't want to reveal the title until the fic is further along, in case I end up changing my mind! Sometimes it does take me a little longer to figure it out, but not often. I guess how I come up with them is... I figure out the theme of the story, and think of a way to make it work as a title? ("Rose-Tinted" is my favorite recent example. Because yes, it's about a pair of pink-colored sunglasses, but ultimately it's about looking at a situation through a more optimistic lens!)

Sometimes I'll try to be clever and make the title a literary reference. I've repurposed lines from Sherlock Holmes, Brigadoon (the musical), and, most recently, Sophocles' Antigone. Because whoa boy, do I love themes. And allusions!!!! And parallels!!!!!!

55). Have you noticed any patterns in your fics?  Words/expressions that appear a lot, themes, common settings, etc?

What an interesting question! I think, as generic of an answer as this is, my stories all end up being about love. This takes many forms: romantic (this used to be a huge theme, at least earlier on in my fanfic career!), but also platonic, the "soulmate" bond between human and digimon partners, and also (sometimes) unhealthy expressions of love. Also they can be born from things I personally love, like hats and in-jokes for very small audiences :3

My published fics tend to be either fairly fluffy(/goofy/jokey), or a bit dark. There's very little "neutral" up in here, though I do enjoy writing Emotions(tm).

I do enjoy ending a fic on a good stinger. I love me a juicy... just a teeny-tiny surprise, subversion, twist, or echo, wrapping it all up with an impactful little... pop. Absolutely delightful when it feels like I can pull that off. I live for that.

77). Why do you enjoy writing fanfiction?

I enjoy writing fiction because sometimes I have ideas that feel too large or complex to convey in a single illustration or a short comic. I enjoy writing fanfiction because other people's characters, stories, and ideas have become lodged in my brain and I am (occasionally) compelled to work through my feelings about them in prose XD I love writing (and reading!) things that are having a dialogue with canon, filling in nebulous details, expanding on characterization, having a fun day out with my faves, or otherwise taking some dumb/brilliant/random idea (either mine or someone else's) and running with it to a logical conclusion (by some definition of the word "logical"). My favorite thing to do as both a creator and a fan, whether in art or writing, has always been to tell stories… and I genuinely don't know where I’d be if I wasn't able to do that!

These were fun to think about, thanks for the asks!!!

[practicecourts]

As the full moon draws even nearer, the dreams worsen. She no longer wakes up to the sound of his tiptoes, but to his screams.

She rushes to his room, her heart fears the worst, the return of the monster in the flesh. Upon entering the room, it’s only to find Remus alone with the monsters in his mind, his blankets crumpled, drenched in sweat.

— Silent Night

A director’s cut for this, because you had me frightened for both Hope and Remus 💔

Thank you Anon for picking this snippet. Silent Night is the result of me following a thought perhaps a little too far down a realistic path. I wondered about a young Remus Lupin, about how it would have been for Hope Lupin when her son (then five years old) was bitten by a werewolf.

Cut for length

In my mind Hope's a mother, as well as a Muggle with not much knowledge of the Wizarding society, who faces a monster in her house, the place you'd most want to feel safe. Apart from the shock of fearing for her child's life, she's also finding out how different her husband feels about these things. I don't want to imply Lyall has no love for his son, not at all, but his knowledge of werewolves, his despise of them (he's both aware of the prejudices against werewolves of the magical community as well as holds a lot of those beliefs himself) make his view on what his son's life will be like in the future very grim.

This makes their reactions and feelings very different, even if they both love their son. It will put an additional strain on their relationship.

In my head before this, their relationship was a bit archetypical of the strong man and the soft woman. Hope might not yell and shout and demand things done her way, I don't believe it's in her nature. But she's not at all weak, nor humble. Strength is not always fighting in loud or flashy ways.

This snippet is about the nights leading up to the Full Moon, the first time Remus will turn into a werewolf.

Because there's so little that Hope can do for him, the Healers have practically nothing to offer her, no one cares or knows enough about this disease (as I see it, I'm not stating facts ahah) so I think she will first become a perceptive observer. She knows her son, his ways, his patterns. And she is determined to find ways to make this better for him so she'll note all the little things that might have to do with the lycanthropy, since that knowledge might help her in ways to comfort her child.

Remus will have nightmares, night terrors more like, after what happened to him, the fact she keeps rushing into that room like that night, shows how strong and brave she is ( I think so anyway for that can not be an easy thing.)

Why don't they give Remus another room? I wondered if they would. since his bedroom can't be without bad memories for everyone now, but i figured they weren't living in a manor, Lyall is a strict and rigid father, with ideas about pampering kids, and in too much distress about the whole situation that he can't (yet) allow all of his feelings in the mix. I think he puts them far far away so he doesn't have to deal with it just yet. The next chapters are not proving to be a lot happier (it's part of why they come so slow because I do make myself sad when I really make myself think of them.)

But I've ideas on how to hopefully add some hope... and I don't see a loveless relationship for these three, in my head they will work a lot of this out... it will just take time. okay, thank you for coming to this rather long ted-talk (sorry even thinking about this makes me sad and in need of a stupid jokey comment to lift the mood)

director's cut ask game

[firelordazulaaaa]

if, hypothetically, someone had just finished verbally abusing you, what's your next move? hypothetically of course. asking for a friend btw

hypothetically and depending on the person ik my next move would probably be to fight back by belittling what they’ve said to me DON’T DO THAT - thats basically what they want

i'm answering this genuinely, usually i respond jokey to inbox stuff but i've been in this situation and if your friend is in this situation tell them to please keep safe and to tell someone they trust - my dm and inbox (to be anonymous) is always open for anything! please keep safe

i understand that depending on the person, the people around you and how severe the comments are you have to respond differently so this is the best i've got - please remember this isn't factual this is my opinion and some research i'm not sure how much this will help, it's best if you google about it

Remain calm and disengage psychologically - Take deep breaths and calm yourself. Depersonalise yourself from the insults thrown. Pause for a brief moment until you can recollect yourself. Remember that said person is acting out of insecurity, jealousy, or any other personal issues that have nothing to do with you. Whatever they're saying don't let it affect you, that's what they want to happen.

Don’t take the bait - A verbal attacker will often expect you to respond in predictable ways to continue escalating the situation. For example, they might ask “why are you so stupid?” As long as you don’t get defensive or show that you’ve been offended, the verbal attacks won’t be effective. I know verbal abuse is more specific and it might be harder to not take the bait but trust me if you do it's them winning.

Keep your distance - If you let someone too close, you’re vulnerable to a physical attack. Back away when need be. Remember verbal abuse can turn physical.

Mirror your verbal attacker’s stance - If you’re sitting and your verbal attacker’s standing, stand up. If you stay seated, you’re vulnerable to attack.

Remain neutral - Be neither confrontational nor submissive. Let your attacker know you aren’t a threat via. body language, tone of voice, and verbal communication. Don’t let your attacker know that their words are affecting you.

Seek understanding - Assume that what your attacker is saying is true then figure out the truth of the insults. Acknowledge your attacker’s honesty to take the sting out of the insult before doing so. Ask questions to make sure that you understand. Just remember if they're picking on you usually it's because they're insecure of it.

Honestly though just walk away, silently. Don’t engage, don’t respond, do not bring yourself down to their level.

verbal abuse is NEVER ok.

remember you, your friend, all of us we are bad bitches and we don't give a fuck about what they have to say. not to be a narcissist a just plain vain but we are better than them if they have to stoop to verbal abuse they are scum.

[gothhabiba]

as a youth.....I think I'm a youth.....it's less irony and more exaggeration like woahhhh this is soooo funny it has me using an emoji I never would otherwise. and the irony is that usually "this" is not really funny at all. like me and my peers (🤥) exclusively use LMFAOOO or 😭💀 if something is funny while 😂 for me is something I find attaching to the end of a reaction to like a dumb, white, and usually bigoted tweet the same way I would also use a deadpan, all lowercase "lol" like they're interchangeable for me. also in other situations where I'm taking to my friends and we're like consciously simulating a jokey environment and using that emoji instead of our usual go tos is meant to signal we aren't being fully genuine. sort of poking fun of how ridiculous the bit is? I think ironic oversimplifies it. I do find myself wanting to use it "unironically" these days though I think it's a funny little emoji. and as an aside I routinely forget we aren't in the same immediate age group so there have been times I've seen you use that emoji and was confused trying to find the sarcasm in your words before realizing you were genuinely just laughing lol my bad 😔. hope my explanation can aide you in maybe finding a better way to describe this phenomenon than just ironic use.

thank you, this makes sense! I do get a sense of this distinction in tone, actually (although as you’ve noted I don’t personally maintain it. to me 😭 is similar to :’) aka “this is so cute and precious I could cry”). interesting to hear that this causes actual confusion!

I think this makes a much better argument for emoji being a paralinguistic feature than whatever silly “are emoji a language? read this emoji sentence!” pop linguistics stuff was going on about a few years ago