#as an aspec person i cant find it in myself to really care about what our relationship is called

[sassykinzonline]

what’s your opinion on people who say sns is platonic? like i’ll see well done essays about sns and how they changed each other for the better and their love. then… theyll say its platonic.

is it just blissful ignorance or? 😭

oh wow this is a really good question, thank you.

um hm, i never really want to totally shit on anyone's interpretation of anything so long as its accurate to the information thats presented so im not really against any interpretation thats well-defended. i havent read the kind of opinion youre talking about so i cant really say anything more specific than that.

what i will say though is that i think sometimes some snsers get caught up in "fighting homophobia" that they kind of miss the essence of naruto and i's specific relationship: that we are every type of attraction and every kind of love. its obvious in the manga's arts, the different parallels, the words we use to describe each other, the progression of our relationship, the intimacy we share with each other, i could go on and on.

so, do i think our relationship is presented in a way thats exclusively platonic? nope and the only way you could come to that conclusion is either a) homophobia or b) genuinely not being able to grasp the storytelling elements in the manga (ie. you dont necessarily need to be able to understand or feel romantic/sexual attraction to see that the manga shows you it exists between us explicitly). the anime is a bit...worse but i still feel like most people have seen the anime ONLY and still feel discomfort because they cant figure out if we're gay or not, and ive never heard of another shonen anime with a problem that big.

however, the platonic element is a huge and important part of our relationship. there was no one among our "friends" that could truly understand, sympathize, or care for us. but at the same time, that wasnt enough. there's the familial element too, in the sense that we wanted the safety that we knew a family should make you feel. we knew the "family" we had (iruka and itachi) were broken. there's a professional side to it too, where our profession is so intimately tied to our sense of self that thats how we communicate our feelings to each other. there's a romantic element yes, the feeling of completion and feeling that someone is "for you". there's even a sexual/aesthetic element, where just the appearance of someone overwhelms your senses and consumes your body. i would also look at the relationships you have with other people and ask if they dont include different kinds of love/attraction despite mainly being one thing.

ultimately though, i think that the way the narrative is presented (and the way i feel), the point is meant to be that we have all those different types of love except because of our context (familial, political, social, whatever) its difficult to realize the romance that we both desperately wanted from the other. the manga presents the double suicide proposal as romantic, and thats the climax of the story. so the relationship should be looked at as a romantic one. at the same time though, if people feel like "well just because the manga says its a romantic relationship doesnt mean this is inherently romantic, theyre exclusive queer platonic soulmates that kiss and bone" or something then i think thats fine too. so long as they understand that naruto and i will always come before anyone else to each other, and that whatever we feel for the other is not only mutual but mutually desired and all encompassing.

[spottedenchants]

Hey chanse, hope this isn't too weird but I just wanted to thank you for the touching sentiments series. Fandom is really good for finding fic with aspec perspectives and I've noticed essek/sg fic has a lot of it even compared to that. But I've never read anything like ts and it means a lot to me. I've been thinking lately about relationship dynamics as performances, and if you use that metaphor, a QPR is a performance of some really obscure play that I keep hearing about and it sounds SO good but i cant imagine how it would actually look, much less see myself as an actor in a production. And especially with your most recent two fics-- there is such intimacy between both Essek and Jester and essek and Caleb in these different ways, and at the same time, even when essek and Caleb straight up have sex, Essek is still at the same place on the ace/aro spectrum the whole time and it's just. Really nice to see, if that makes sense. I've read aromantic/asexual/QPR stories where sex and romance are just not on the table at all, and while those are great it's really comforting to see a story that blurs the lines even deeper than that. Not to get too serious about it, but it's so hard realizing you're gonna spend a lot of your life trying to write your own relationship blueprints, and I really can't emphasize enough what a comfort it is to know that someone else has thought about it enough to be able to write it out the way you have, and I'm really really grateful for it.

Hi hi! If a ‘thank you’ is weird, then I give you an equally weird ‘thank you for reading’ right back :3

(got rambly so the rest is under the cut xD)

I've definitely found fandom to be an excellent place to engage with aspec stories and feel very lucky to have found a corner where they feel not only accepted, but celebrated in good faith, and I am touched (ha :D) that Touching Sentiments has found a unique place in your mind and heart! 💜

As far as I’ve personally read (though tbf I have not read nearly as much published aspec fiction as I would like), I definitely get what you mean about the yes/no dichotomies of sex and romance that often show up in stories with aspec characters. ‘No’ is a lived truth for a lot more people than pop culture tends to imply, aspec or not, and I heartily agree that it’s very cool to see in print and on screen that ‘no, never’ is an option in the first place. :D It also has the benefit of being a very convenient shorthand to express a character’s orientation in a self-contained story that isn’t About their orientation, but also I get what you mean about wanting to see the lines blurred with ‘maybe’ more often. (Though that can get tangled in the whole ‘aces/aros can still conform to amatonormative standards’ side of things, which I really don’t have a solution for other than continuing to write and engage with aspec stuff, cause it’s hard to have a spectrum with only two points and getting multiple perspectives is the only way I really know how to build it out).

That’s definitely one of the reasons why I’ve found fanfic to be such a cool medium to write in- there’s soooo much room to really dig into nitty gritty details that a fixed story might not have the same space for! What is romance, what is sex, what is care, what is intimacy, what is love? *cue the music* We’re throwing out the dictionary here and writing our own so that everyone’s on the same page. >:3

I don’t have the bulk of these things posted yet, but TS!Essek’s intimacy with each of the Nein is very important to me and all of it is for sure flavored by his sexuality, and I am Thrilled that you've found him to be consistent!! I don't necessarily think TS goes deeper than other explorations in which the characters in question discuss or display their feelings around sex and romance, especially in the the fanfic scene, I’ve just published quite a lot of it and am reaping the benefits of breadth; no single TS fic needs to be everything or display every facet of him, it just needs to be whatever sliver it is. :3 (also I Do have a few cr fic recs (mostly sg) off the top of my head that dig into those lines of intimate conversation if you are interested :D)

As for relationships as performances! That is a lovely metaphor and I entirely understand what you mean, same hat and everything xD In some ways, I consider TS to be a very informal study log/synthesis paper on exactly that, and the script has just gotten more nuanced as I go xD That said, if you or anyone else is interested in the sorts of things I’ve researched to build the flavor of TS!Essek’s relationships with the Nein, I recommend searching up ‘relationship anarchy’ and ‘queerplatonic relationships’ specifically for further means of describing interpersonal relationships outside of the framework of amatonormativity, and then ‘loveless aromantic’ and ‘lovequeer’ for conversations about varying definitions of love and its applications both as a term and a concept.

I’ve also found pre-written/referenceable materials like Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbords and Yes No Maybe lists to be very helpful with relationship blueprints, too. The latter are often about the expression of sexuality as a whole, and they involve individualized thresholds of things ranging from states of dress to preferred anatomical terms to hygiene to safety to what is/isn’t deemed sexual, and other such points of emotional and physical intimacy as well. (Also I recommend Scarleteen just in general. very useful very informative very comprehensive groundwork)

I am sososo heartened to know you’ve found so much comfort in TS 🥺 It’s been almost three years since I started writing, period, and I am very glad my writing has been received with such grace and patience. Thank you for sharing your enthusiasm with me! I hope you continue to find stories that speak to you, and am grateful you've allowed mine to be a part 💜

[authoralexharvey]

INTERVIEW WITH A WRITEBLR — @local-single-wizard

Who You Are:

Whonsper || They/them

A fanfic writer by heart, with no fandom at the moment. I also have an annoying tendency to bite off more than I can chew when it comes to writing, but I have wonderful ideas all the same, if I do say so.

What You Write:

What genres do you write in? What age ranges do you write for?

Adventure, comedy, fanfic, fantasy, romance, sci-fi, and tragedy. Young and new adult.

What genre would you write in for the rest of your life, if you could? What about that genre appeals to you?

Fantasy, I love to freedom the genre gives. I've always been interested in the kinds of creatures one could come up with, and what kind of silly adventures they could go on! And because it's such a large genre with no set rules, I can make up whatever lore I want for whoever I want. But there's always that feeling like a spark in your eye, tasting adventure with each breath, even if the characters have lived there their whole lives; the reader gets to taste that world now!

What genre/s will you not write unless you HAVE to? What about that genre turns you off?

History, despite my interest in history. I personally know many history nerds, and have seen plenty online as well, to know they would never be satisfied with any history story, no matter how well researched. I'm usually one to over-research even, and I'm too scared to touch the genre because I'm far too lazy to research every tiny detail, like the minimum wage in buttfuck nowhere, Alabama in 1952 and how it affects my characters in the next country. I simply don't have the mental energy.

Who is your target audience? Do you think anyone outside of that would get anything out of your works?

Usually myself, because I write exactly what I would want to read. Outside of that, my next targets are anyone that feels anything that I feel, any neurodivergents or aspecs or anyone that feels isolated in the world for reasons they cant quite articulate. For anyone outside of that sphere, I would hope they could understand a little better what others are feeling, at the very least, and sympathize with those people that feel like my characters.

What kind of themes do you tend to focus on? What kinds of tropes? What about them appeals to you?

I really like found family, finding platonic love, as well as enemies to lovers (I know what that says about me). Anything where I can introduce a character that doesn't fit, especially if they're a "monster" (usually literally), and pour my love for them onto the page through my other characters, or give them a home where they feel safe to be themselves. Bonus points if I can make them love the world around them, and in turn learn to love themselves. Enemies to lovers has a very fun dynamic that I really like playing with, especially if I can subvert expectations.

What themes or tropes can you not stand? What about them turn you off?

I'm not a big fan of any 'Chosen One' stories, because they feel cheap. Especially if there's no secondary pov or no fight to be that chosen one. I don't want my heroine to be handed their responsibility, their greatness; I want them to fight for it, to want it, to beat others for it. I want a story to prove to me why I should care about this person being the Chosen One over others, or it'll feel like this was a bit of a weak choice to me as a reader.

What are you currently working on? How long have you been working on it?

I've recently made the switch from all my writing being fanfiction to writing original stories, thus scrapping many of my earlier ideas, or at least shelving them for later use. I'm jumping between a couple ideas right now, but one I'm most passionate about is about a guardian angel, with a strong distrust of humans, being forced to Earth to find a person who he'll spend his life looking over. Overwhelmed with this new world, he starts following the first human to show him even a bit of kindness, much to the human's mixed amusement and irritation. Over time, they grow closer, with the human learning more about the angel, who they are as a being and how they feel about the world. The angel learns so much about the world, and slowly breaks down his distaste and prejudice against humans. I've had the idea for this since 2019, even writing a chapter of fanfiction following this premise, but since starting to rewrite it I've been mulling it over in new context for about 2 months.

Why do you write? What keeps you writing?

I write because it's a release of my thoughts, and also because I thrive off of validation. I keep writing for all the people in my life that have ever believed in me, or have written with me. Special shoutout to my 11 year old brother who would come in my room everyday for 3 months and ask to work on our fantasy choose-your-own-adventure story, and always had the most creative ideas.

How long have you been writing? What do you think first drew you to it?

I first accepted writing as my preferred medium when I was probably 13, but I've been complimented on my writing since I was 8 years old. I think I was first drawn to it because it's a way to get my thoughts out when I can't figure out how to verbally articulate them. I have adhd so figuring out what I'm trying to say while staying on topic is very difficult sometimes, and I get lost very often. I'm constantly confused in daily life, so writing is a place where I can have control and know exactly what I'm doing and what I've just done.

Where do you get your inspiration from? Is that how you got your inspiration for your current project? If not, where did the inspiration come from?

I get a lot of my inspiration from reading other writer's stories, or even hearing people's personal life stories. Many of my stories include elements I've seen in other places, little bits that another writer has in their story that I've become inspired by and put in my story. Another big source of inspiration is actually just random pictures, because I love trying to figure out why this would make sense, or inversely what subversion is happening in this picture right below the surface. My current project was partially inspired by works I've read in the past, but from the very beginning was inspired by a picture of a celebrity wearing angel wings, back when it was a fanfiction.

What work of yours are you most proud of? Why?

It's an unfinished, almost scrapped piece that I came up with last November, but one which I immediately became so obsessed with and thought about constantly. It's about a young person who learns that he has the ability to time travel, only backwards, never forward. He uses it too often for mundane reasons and very quickly loses control of it, and is thus sent hurtling back in time uncontrollably. He relishes what time he spends in these periods, meeting new people and gathering new friends and making a small life for himself before he's inevitably whisked away to the next time with no warning. He's accompanied by an immortal, who he's meeting backwards in time, and who is there every time he jumps, there to catch him up to the time and make sure he's okay. The two become a very close family, but there's the looming question of how far back will he go?

Have you published anything? Do you want to?

I haven't, it wasn't even on my radar until just recently, when my stepmom offhandedly mentioned that she knew I would get published one day, that she was waiting for it, and she would of course buy any of my books or short stories. She said she's always believed in me, and always been a huge supporter of my writing. So yes, I would love to publish a story, even just a little short story, for her.

What part of the writing process most appeals to you? What part is least appealing?

I love coming up with the plot, and interweaving little details, whether for my own amusement or for the sake of a better story. I'll spend so long on that step, coming up with more and more lore for the story and turning a little short story into a beast. I'm not a fan of the first draft, because that is always the hardest for me. I'm a perfectionist so it's very hard for me to accept that my writing is not going to be perfect on the first pass, and it honestly shouldn't be! I've been working on accepting imperfect writing, but it's very difficult.

Do you have a writing process? Do you have an ideal setup? Do you write in pure chaos? Talk about your process a bit.

My process is pure chaos, and definitely not effective. It usually starts with me texting my best friend about some crazy idea, rambling for at least half an hour, usually closer to 2 hours, about this cool new idea I've had, just putting any unintelligible bullshit that comes to mind. She'll give her take on it, give me some ideas, help me shape the idea, get rid of ideas that just won't work, help me sort out a plot, then I copy all these notes into a google doc and sort them. From there I try to write the filler between everything we've talked about. Then I refine it down, over and over again until it sounds okay.

Your Thoughts on Writeblr:

How long have you been a writeblr? What inspired you to join the community?

I'm not even sure I am a writeblr, to be honest. I started the writing blog only about a month or so ago, but I've only been interacting with other writeblrs in the past week or so I'd say. I actually got more in to the community because of a writeblr valentines event, the one that pens-swords-stuff hosted just recently.

Shout out some of your favorite writeblrs. How did you find them and what made you want to follow them?

@pens-swords-stuff, of course. Scrolling their page has helped me figure out how to engage in the community as well as fix my blog (I'm still working on that one). also @monstrousfreedom, absolutely fantastic stuff on that blog, and writes things that I'm very interested in.

What is your favorite part about writeblr?

The sheer difference between any writers, I've never seen such a large community with such different tastes hype each other up, even if some of those people absolutely do not make the same content, or even consume the same content.

What do you think writeblr could improve on? How do you think we can go about doing so?

Being so new to the community, I haven't seen anything just yet. Everyone seems so nice and open to talking to others, even newer people like myself. I've only seen positivity so far from writeblrs.

How do you contribute to the writeblr community? Do you think you could be doing more?

I could absolutely be doing more. As of right now, I don't interact too terribly much, as I'm still trying to get set up and find my feet in the community. But I'm trying to worm my way into the community through events like this, getting my name on people's dashes so I don't feel so bad about posting my own writing, or ranting about my wips to no one.

What kinds of posts do you most like to interact with?

I love interacting with any post that asks questions about your current wip. I love talking about my writing, even if it's just to myself in the tags.

What kind of posts do you most like to make?

My own writing ideas, or a story that a specific song felt like.

Finally, anywhere else online we may be able to find you?

@whonsper, my main blog, or on discord, whonsper#9454

Questions For Fun:

If you could time travel, what time period would you go to? Why?

If I could time travel, I'd probably want to go back to ancient Rome. It seems like the safest option, what with women owning property and indoor plumbing and all, but I'm also really interested in learning about what life was like back then. What small details of life have slipped under our radar but are prevalent in day to day life for ancient Romans? What's similar about human nature and culture through all of time? What hidden gems do they have that historians today would be pissing themselves to get?

If your writing was a food, what foof would it be and why?

I'd want to say my writing is like a bowl of soup. I always want it to feel comfortable and natural reading my stories, but you never know what you're gonna get. Is it cheddar broccoli today with a side of high fantasy romance? It is Italian wedding soup with some magical realism? Is it chicken noodle like your mom used to make, but oh no I've done something to your beloved fairytale. Or maybe I just really like soup.

Do you have a favorite fantasy creature? What makes it your favorite?

Through the years, I've picked up my brother's love of dragons. The amount of magic you can play around with in dragons is incredible, and with so many different breeds and physical characteristics and personalities. They're also very intelligent, which leads to them usually being even more of a problem than anyone signed up for, which I love. They're an incredibly versatile creature to see used in fantasy, and I always get super excited when I see one.

[clutteredthings]

16, 48, and 53!

16. What confuses you about typical romantic relationships?

One thing that sticks out tho is when the person in the romo relationship priorities that relationships above all other non romantic relationships in their lives. Being in a qpr I would never want my online friends to think I love them less or care less about them just because I’m in a qpr. It sucks that romantic relationship are seen as more important as platonic ones (or any other non romantic relationship). Also I guess kissing in general will forever confused me lol.

48.How do you feel about love songs?

I mean I don’t necessarily hate them but it’s annoying how oversaturated they are in media because for one reason it’s like “nah cant relate 🤪” (and by love songs Im referring to romance love obviously). I listen to these lyrics and be like “ppl really feel this stuff? I thought it was a joke lol”. I can’t fully hate on love songs when some of them are absolutely BOPS but I wish there were more songs that aspec, loveless and aplatonic ppl can relate too. It’s tiring to hear the same shit about romantic love that I can’t relate too. Anyone know about songs that give qpr vibes? Lol.

53. What is the best part about being aro?

For starters, once I found this label it was the best feeling ever and I never questioned that this label wasn’t for me. I have never hate myself for being aro or had any doubts or shame about it. What has made me love being aro even more, and what I find to be the best part about being aro is the community. I could go off about how much I love the aro community. The memes, learning and relating to each other’s experiences is an amazing feeling. It’s all so comforting.

Aside from the community. For me personally, being aro is nice cause you don’t have to deal with relationship drama but you can hear about the relationship drama your friend is dealing with. I remember back in high school, before discovering the label aroace for myself, when my ex friend would tell me about some relationship drama she was dealing with, in my head I was like “damn that’s rough. Glad I can’t relate lol” .Also the way ppl describe a crush sounds overwhelming so I’m glad I cant relate to that. I mean even tho I am oriented aroace and I am in a qpr, I can’t really relate to the way alloallo ppl describe it. Not to an extreme anyway lol.

[innocencelives]

taking another moment to try to understand my sexuality. whatever it was originally supposed to be in my brain before i was traumatized is now indistinguishable from what trauma turned it into, its an amorphous blob of both, either, and neither. my current assesment that im aspec really doesnt have to do with my inherent sexuality, and more a reflection of me still never having had a healthy relationship with sex, and choosing to abstain from it until i find it. not really choosing, i dont want physical sex. but that will definitley not be forever, im not forever hanging up the towel. i can tell there are ways to have sex that i would enjoy. assesing my sexuality from the perspective of masturbation, from the perspective of what i masturbate to, is also complicated. its a long long long list of fetishes and categories and kinks that work for me. but while all of it works for while im masturbating, alot of it feels horrible after. ive toyed alot with the concept of, what kinks i have because of trauma, and what kinks i have regardless of trauma, and the overlap!! some of it works for my dick (the kinks that trauma gave me) and some of it gives me genuine joy (what i beleive is my real sexuality). obviously theres no way to make any of it go away, its all apart of me. but i think the KEY to having a healthy sexuality is encouraging the kinks that give me real joy, and discouraging the kinks that are upsetting to me, those kinks that i dont even know if i was meant to have. what i can never seem to convey to anyone whos not abdl, is that abdl as a whole feels like a huge huge huge part of my “real” sexuality. which is like, SO ironic and impossible for people to understand because abdl sounds like, the poster child for a trauma affected sexuality. but the difference between entertaining that kink, and lets say, CNC (consensual-non consensual) is night and day. abdl, which falls into the lifestyle category of fetishes similar to furries, or bdsm relationships, exists both inside and outside the bedroom. its both something sexual, and something non sexual; the joy it brings me is not just in the bedroom. going back to the differences in kinks, when i masturbate to something CNC, it feels gross. it feels disgusting, it doesnt feel right. its not truly satisfying, it makes me sad, it makes me think about my traumatic past. regardless of whether it makes me cum, i feel like it really hurts me mentally and emotionally to entertain that side of my sexuality. but with abdl, and its just like, so frustrating that anyone i try to explain this to can never really understand it bc there not abdl. i have a furry friend who i think really gets it. its just joy, its just joy. its little things like listening to this song about missing childhood, or noticing innocent things about my personality, or naming a stuffed animal, or the feeling of a diaper, or this vivid fantasy world in my imagination where i am cared for. its like. people call sex dirty, people especially call fetishes dirty, or nasty, abdl is like- feels like the exact oppsoite. its not like i want my whole life to revolve around it, (unlike some people) its just a very very real part of my life that ive grown to accept and love. a part of myself that so many think i should be ashamed of, and yet a part of myself that i hold so close to my heart. going back to the original point of discussion- my sexuality. yes. for god fucking sakes yes i need to push myself back into the realm of enjoying sex- with other people. but god im 24 and ive never had that in my whole life, ive never had a healthy sex life, not that i cant but, im just terrified. im not learning anything new with that, its something that will come and i just need to be patient with myself. but if the end goal is to break all stereotypes and barriers and actually finding a healthy sexuality after the worst of the worst sexual trauma, i think im on my way. and who said i had to be vanilla?

[nightcoremoon]

Callout post: me

lying, manipulative, hold grudges, constantly paranoid, would absolutely 100% check out a teenager if nobody was looking because "it's a harmless crime", liar, cycle through idealization and devaluation, 'sick of fat people trying to be the next civil rights issue and making it that much harder to get civil rights for people who are ACTUALLY oppressed like gee idk poc and muslims and the mentally ill and queer people', frequently fantasizes about committing violent acts against people I rationalize they deserve it including family members, untruthful, attention whore, pedantic AND pretentious, tells lies, doesn't believe in one sister's claim of sexual assault (went to smoke weed with the alleged perpetrator), UNAPOLOGETICALLY AGAINST ASEXUAL EXCLUSIONISM (LITERALLY FUCK YOU DUMBASS FOURTEEN YEAR OLDS WHO SHRIEK THAT QUEER IS A SLUR, SHUT YOUR GODDAM FUCKING WHORE MOUTHS YOU DUMBASSES AND GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE OR READ A BOOK), would absolutely punch a child over an insignificant internet argument, secretly sought out sexual pleasure from two friendly seemingly platonic encounters with two girls I just met within twenty four hours, overreacts to the slightest provocations and has bitches at or vagueposted at several people who did not deserve it, has used mental illness and physical handicap to evade trouble from being late for work because video games and laziness and excessive sleep, has spent maybe a thousand dollars on fast food in 2018 alone, evades bills for medical care from an actually great clinic, lying sack of garbage, gave up on calling out family's bigotry and is now an accessory to prejudice, despises terfs predominantly for their refusal to fuck me because of being trans and yet meanwhile would not engage in sexual relationship with another trans woman or cis man unless reeeeeeeeally drunk, can and will blame being sexually assaulted as a child which probably didn't even happen because I don't think I remember it, unabashed furry, probably as addicted to video games and masturbation AND LIES as I almost was to alcohol, pretended to have almost been an alcoholic just to "win" facebook arguments about addiction, doesn't give a fuck my dad almost died from heroin JUST because he's a *little* homophobic and racist and classist and xenophobic because of a christian upbringing, would literally fucking murder him if he EVER PUTS HIS HANDS ON ME AGAIN, only slightly depressed because of laziness and a lack of drive and ungrateful to my family because hey they didn't kick me out for being trans so HEY THATS SUPPORTIVE ENOUGH FOR SOME OTHER PEOPLE SO WHY CANT I BE HAPPY WITH THAT, legitimately salty about ~the friendzone~ and just makes fun of incels because everybody else does, takes the moral high ground for not being a misogynist even though I don't deserve a pat on the back a lap dance and a blowjob for not hating women, overly sensitive about stupid things, thinking about faking having a trigger warning for more discourse credit, HUUUGE ASSHOLE to men I deem unattractive for no other reason than every single ugly fat guy I've ever met has been an asshole, rationalizes it after the fact because they eventually say something shitty because all men are terrible, probably a little bit of a cisnormative misandrist because trans men tend to be much better people, finds trans men attractive (specifically and significantly more so than cis men) so must clearly be fetishizing them, relatively okay with people referring to me as deadnamed and the wrong pronouns so probably just lying about being trans to everyone including myself, not 100% okay with the hijab for 'no reason other than all organized religion is evil and opposed to its mandate and the shame it forces on many women in many situations the exact same way I'm opposed to no sex before marriage and wives being subservient to their husbands and treating women as property in the torah and quran alike because ITS ALL BRAINWASHING' so is clearly not unlearning islamophobia and doesn't want to let that go, hypocrite because I believe in the basics of judeochristianity

and loathe atheism and atheists entirely because their smugness and smarm literally sets my blood pressure through the roof of what is safe and normal and yet claim to hate all organized religion, mansplains yet gets so pissed off when other people mansplain to me, judgmental of other cultures because they don't have the exact same values that I have, james gunn apologist, talks and talks and talks about anarchosocialism all damn day but would beat the shit out of a coworker for leaving me to do things because they're lazy because "any job worth doing is worth doing well" and other capitalismisms, literally couldn't give less of a fuck that his mother is dying because people die but it's no reason to make my life slightly harder and making me work hard when I work because BOO HOO MY LEGS HURT FROM THE LITERALLY MOST MILD CASE OF MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY I COULD'VE BEEN BORN WITH, hasn't actually performed real suicide attempt ever but still claims to have done so to attain sympathy that may result in physical affection, countless other shitty terrible things that yeah I recognize are bad but CANT SEEM TO CARE BECAUSE I HAVE DEPRESSION... WHICH IS THE WEAKEST FUCKING EXCUSE IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE GODDAMN WORLD

I am not a good person, okay?

I just pretend to be sometimes.

I'm sick of doing it, I'm sick of trying to do well and earn people's approval by doing and saying the right things only to just be ignored which is a step up from receiving many anons that hey, never actually told me to kill myself, but did take my words out of context to paint me as a racist. I am not the kind of racist who would vote for trump and march with the kkk. that is one of very few good things I can say about myself. but I'm an arrogant, violent, and angry opinionated perverted manipulative judgmental lying asshole. I'm not a good person. I have let myself fall so much and I deserve to be alone. my only connections to people were built on personal gain and I swear to myself that I do love them but those feelings fall away in direct correlation to how much they interact with me. I could love you to the point of obsession and stalking and one month later be completely and totally disinterested. I'm a bigot who pretends to not be bigoted and just parrots what other people say not because I believe it but because it's the right thing to say, and I only say what the right thing is to say because whenever I say a good thing something good will happen to me and if I say a bad thing something bad happens to me. it's all just self preservation, nothing else at all. but now I'm at the end of a road of just trying to do good and I'm alone. out of the only two friends that I can really say that I have left, one is far away and trapped in a guilt spiral that I caused by being too clingy, and the other has been behaving in a way my mind has decoded as defensive around me which makes sense as I have been very... the best way to describe it would be the way a dudebro incel interacts with any person who possesses a vagina/breasts but sneakier. in both relationships I've pushed my own wants and desires in extremis... I can't for the life of me recall the last time I have ever offered something in return other than my own company or paying for a meal at a restaurant or I guess transportation. and instead of sex I just want them to express even the slightest bit of intimate platonic physical affection towards me but that's still a lot to offer someone who has clearly expressed the existence of a sexual and maybe something near the realms of romantic in one of the cases physical attraction because for this aspec it's practically the same fucking thing.

and I've manipulated them to attain this goal. at this point my shit brain has considered just fucking going to town on my wrists with a razor blade to draw sympathy so that I'll get a hug or something beyond just a simply hello/goodbye, and finding a way to induce tears to concoct a sob story to reach the same end result, and one time very briefly via threat and intimidation so you can clearly see that I've gone far too into irredeemable territory. I've been playing and replaying cry of fear because it's just too similar to my own issues and the first ending where he just kills everyone he loves and then himself... I see me in that ending. and it scares me so much more than the sprinting screaming twitching one hit kill chainsaw guy ever will. I don't want that to be me, I want to change something, but I just can't get the help that I need. I had hoped to go for a domino effect, where if I could be cuddled for like five minutes or something, I'd have the energy to be more hygienic, which would make me feel capable enough to take on two jobs, which would get me the cash flow I need to pay my bills and take care of my hormones, which would put me in the headspace necessary to effectively use psychological help, which would let me get over my illnesses and actually become a more successful person instead of the pathetic husk I am here in non-fantasy land.

but that won't happen.

I'm just sitting here in the dark angsting about how nobody will touch me in a way that would produce oxytocin, and it's making me so sick, so physically sick, that it's affecting my brain too. I'm in pain, nauseous, vengeful, spiteful, paranoid, judgmental, and lonely. I'm stuck and I can't even kill myself because my mind wants me to stay alive and suffer through all of this because "oh it gets better" people have been saying that for well over half of my life. I was six or seven years old when I asked my mother to kill me, and that same level of desperation and bitterness has only gotten worse as time goes by. when does it get better? I'll tell you when it gets better, after I'm in prison or comatose or forty five years old with a cane and bad eyes and high blood pressure and lung cancer from all the secondhand smoke I've breathed in my life. when my life is over, that's when it gets better. I DONT WANT THAT. I WANT A NORMAL FUCKING LIFE RIGHT NOW. I WANT NORMAL FRIENDSHIPS AND A NORMAL HOME AND A NORMAL EDUCATION AND A NORMAL CAREER AND A NORMAL FAMILY. or at least I want someone to hold me and make me feel like I'm not so horrible and broken that I can't be touched.

but that's too much to ask for.

[monsterqueers]

Reasons why I use queer exclusively now whenever I can as my orientation:

Spite

In order to be fully accurate id have to launch into a several full paragraphs long rant every single time of really tmi shit that is under the cut and thus not suitable for like 70% of the people who would be hearing it.

Right so first off I have auto distrust for humans due to trauma and in the event that sentient entities that are nonhuman(aliens and/or monsters) would be a viable relationship choice I care not for their anything other than that they are adults and capable of consent and also willing id go for it and be ok with romo and or sex and or whatever else 100%. Like teratophile would be the best choice for a orientation label but people dont accept that as a proper orientation label or just go ‘lol straightie’ despite the fact that I cant actually be straight due to my gender being as it is(Schrodinger’s clusterfuck) And people might get the wrong idea and think my love of and hcs about charas who happen to be nonhuman and under 18 are something sexual or romantic when they are Really Really Not because my fixation on the inhuman is not inherently(or even Maybe 60%) sexual At All and more a comfort/trauma thing. Thus this Whole Fuckin Zoo.

On the romo side(from now on assuming all partners are humans), while I get about 2 day max long maybe crushes(extremely attached and want to follow forever and nuzzle and take care of idk what romo looks or feels like but I dont think thats it?) on people of any and all genders ive just met or havent seen or talked to in a long long time, if they show any interest whatsover any attraction is immediately negatived and falls into the pits of hell forever partially for trauma reasons and after the 2-ish days it falls back into a slightly intense friendship feeling things. Romantic intent squicks me out when relating to me in any capacity and makes Any sexual attraction disappear as well. But romance when not relating to me at all? Fucking Love It. So over the years ive ID-ed as quiroromantic, wtfromantic, aromantic, and lithoromantic when trying to describe this in one word and because people want to know your ‘’’’real’’’ orientation because they are under the misconception that a-spec ids are modifiers then pan? omni? Also add in the fact that im never gonna try to date cis people Anymore Ever. 

Then we get into the fact that im polyamourous and in the hypothetical event I could drag myself through that clusterfuck and really date someone I absolutely cannot be in a monogamous relationship. It would be uncomfortable on many levels starting with the fact that id feel like im trapping someone in a relationship that they will never get the love they want out of it, then moving to the fact that I can and will continue to get the 2 day maybe-crushes on people and im polyam on the qpp level and will continue to find others sexually attractive and never be able to fuck the person im dating so I cannot promise monogamy in good conscience because even if I dont act on it it would be emotionally social contract violating. Also the sex side is also super polyam because being FWB and one night stands are pretty much a polyam thing.

Sexual attraction is almost 90% decided by me being a kinky jackass and -300% decided by gender. For trauma reasons Any and All interactions have to be as far removed from vanilla sex as possible if I can even maybe handle that(though most likely not bc when people irl find me attractive I tend to immediately no longer feel any attraction here too). But Im attracted to fictional charas all the fuckin time. Attraction is solely based on my list of fetishes lining up enough times on someone and Nothing Else. Like kink is 100% more important than the gender here and I am well aware that makes me a a non-respectable evil dirty queer person because I dont fit into the marketed for straights box with that and this I cant actually use that as my professed orientation. Ive IDed as lithosexual, auto/ageosexual, bisexual, pansexual, and omnisexual before and while ill still use bi or aspec when I have to choose a singular ‘non queer’ label depending on my current company but like, its not quite right.

And like saying even aromantic bisexual and polyamorous is still long as shit and requires a powerpoint and a 3 minute explanation to most people because they cant conceptualize that for some people romo and sex Do Not go hand in hand and also that people can be anything other than gay or straight on a monogamous relationship and Nothing Else.

So on top of this and that I barely(if at all) even hit the Respectable Gay criteria with bisexual only and the Straight folk are gonna be pissed off that im not conforming to the monogamous cis girl who is attracted exclusively to men and wants and does date and fuck One Man Only anyway, so I might as well just go the whole damn hog and grab that shiny label of queer that people love to spit because fuck that noise. Im not gonna be polite and im gonna choose the all option rude umbrella term thats only one syllable and needs little explanation.