#appointment is probably why i was three points short of an official diagnosis and i'm like oh yeah i see it a lot more now

[v-tired-queer]

In a weird way, I miss how my mom made me feel normal. It was a lot easier for me to regulate my emotions when she was here--she was someone I could talk to no matter what and she helped me work through my feelings, both good and bad. Sometimes even indifferent. She helped me identify what I was feeling, always let me talk it through, and never made me feel bad for needing breaks from certain things or people when things get to be too much. She even helped me understand what others were feeling or needed.

⚠️ TW: self harm behavior in the next paragraph

When I was younger, I used to hit myself on my thighs when I was overly frustrated or overstimulated. Since going to therapy after I got older, I learned better coping mechanisms and learned to identify when I need time away from sounds, sights, touch and smells and other people in general to calm down before I get so overwhelmed. But since Mom passed I haven't been able to get those breaks that I need, and people have been confusing me and frustrating me and I had a moment where without even thinking, I bit my lip, screamed into the bite, and hit my thighs like I used to, and I'm really upset that it came to that. Unfortunately, it feels like it helped, but at the same time, no it didn't.

⚠️ TW over

I'm just feeling really broken and lost. With my mom here, I never really noticed how much I struggle to communicate with others face-to-face. I've had countless moments these last few weeks where fellow human beings have left me utterly confused and frustrated. Mom was great at specifying exactly what she was trying to communicate to me, but the other people I live with aren't.

Long story short, emotional regulation is hard, people are confusing at best and frustrating at worst, I'm feeling more broken than ever, and for God sakes I just want a very, very quiet nap in a very, very dark room, preferably with my comfort objects and away from the rest of humanity.

[foster-the-world]

Hard

Things have been hard with baby boy. Three weeks ago he had a really bad week at school (3K) - after doing well all year. Amongst other really unregulated behaviors he scratched his friend - twice. One time at pickup and one time at daycare. The kids Dad called and screamed at me. All I could do was apologize over and over while he yelled at me. Baby boy plays rough but is not normally aggressive. Over a year ago (at 2.5) he bit his friend one time. We made a big deal out of it and he never did it again.

We pulled him out of school short term to figure out a plan. Also not sending him to daycare anymore. The boys parent said he could not go if baby boy was there. Daycare said they would not kick him out (we are close with them after many years) but we didn't want the boy to suffer when he was the one who got hurt. We will get after school care for the rest of the year. At this point its only two more months.

No idea why he was out of whack. Maybe daylight savings time but he was still sleeping a lot??? My Mom flew in to help - Thank God. He's an angel for her and she's a baby/kid whisperer. I had a really hard time with it - random crying. Spiraling with future worries in a really unhelpful way. I'm not generally much of a crier but I also went out of whack. I suspect there was some residual bad/helpless feelings left over from foster care mixed in there.

He seemed to understand scratching his friend was bad. He asked if he could write an I'm sorry card for his friend. His friend was over it within minutes. The Dad clearly was not.

Despite fighting all year for services this kicked my butt into further gear. Managed to get the SEIT (masters degree special ed teacher) that we've been pushing for all year. Ten hours a week one on one while in class. She seems good. I'm guessing she's a recent graduate - but that's fine. Right now we've only been sending him for the two hours she is with him. Next week we will add in another two hours. Then a full day. He's very happy at home with my Mom. She's staying for a month.

Keeping him home has all been our choice. His teacher never wanted him out of class. I just didn't want to risk him doing it again when we didn't know why he was acting like that. He's normally wild but not like this. At the time it felt like keeping him home was keeping him safe. Since going back he's been behaving fine at school. So fingers cross it was just a bad week. This all happened to coincide with his second development pediatrician appointment where he got a official ADHD diagnosis. Also coincided with the response to our special ed due process hearing. We won. We can now pay an enhanced rate to find providers and got over 100 hours of back pay hours. With his ADHD diagnosis came a recommendation for parent training. Got lucky and found someone who seems solid. Starting Monday night. Its virtual and after the kids are in bed. I'm excited for that. It gives me hope there is a "right" way to help him. Of course, its not covered by insurance even though its the recommended treatment for kids under six. Put him in a social skills class- also not covered by insurance (=blah). I don't think it will help but figure he may enjoy it. I believe (and research shows) kids this young can't learn how to act when they are upset at a time they are not upset. But also believe it can't hurt. At this point we are trying all of the things. He finally has OT, PT and speech - all outside of school hours but that's okay. As I suspected the speech person said she has not noticed any problems. We will probably stop that soon enough. His dev ped said we can medicate. She says research shows it helps but also higher chance of side effects when it starts at a young age. I'm very pro medication but not interested in starting until he is old enough to properly verbalize how the they make him feel. If he always acted how he was during his bad week that would be a different story. Right now meds aren't worth the risk.

Thinking we will put him in a integrated class next year. I was hesitant but this experience made me change my mind. We are touring two schools in May. One said they'd probably have a summer spot. They will bus him - which I heard is terrible and unreliable but will see how it goes.

I love him so much. I want a crystal ball that tells me how to help him. Anyone have one of those?