#apologizing and making amends and changing behavior is so sexy

[zward95]

11/16/2020

Don Otto Ward Jr. AKA Donnie Baseball

1/11/1970 - 11/15/2020

“He will be cremated and scattered everywhere that I know was special to him. From the pitcher's mound at Morton to Hohokam park in Arizona where he played in the adult world series. And some will be left with his mom and dad....not sure the full details. He failed to stop at a stop sign and was hit. They're doing an autopsy to see if maybe he had a heart attack or something” Bobbi-Jo Ward-Herron.”

I can’t believe that you passed away… there is so much I want to say but idk if anything needs to be said. This grief has been different than anything I have experienced before….. There is so much hurt, and sadness for what never was……...I feel guilty and stupid for having good memories of you, because of all that you did… but it is not my duty to tarnish your reputation in the eyes of others, because you did a lot of good. By the ENORMOUS outpouring of care, that part is obvious. You touched the lives of hundreds upon hundreds of people in positive ways. You were the best coach that hundreds of kids ever experienced, you invited everyone in the community over as if they were family. You were willing to learn how to play chess from a 3rd grader and looking on the internet, so their elementary school could have a good coach. You were supportive of all the different things we did; even if you didn’t understand it, you tried. You were known as the best umpire and the human rulebook by friends and angry fans alike. You took pride in your work, and more pride in the fun you could have while doing it. You loved wildly and exuberantly and expressed it with your time, and with your many...many...words. You showed that it was okay to have many facets: band, science, math, sports, emotions, reading, fantasy, D&D, dirt, cars, tools, dogs, food. You showed the importance in questioning things around you, and how important it is to search for your own answers. That it's better to be wrong about something, because then you learned something. You also beat and traumatized your children, would beat and dehumanize other people to let out your aggression, neglected the wishes of your family, chose drugs and freedom over your children, and showed the dangers of utter selfishness. All of these things are true, for your mixed up, funny, dark, drug rampit, baseball loving life. You actively strived to be the biggest asshole in the room, but also be the funniest guy in the room, so everyone would still want you around. You were so socially skilled that you could both bring out the best and the worst of everyone in a room depending on your mood, yet so awkward, you intentionally ignored your impact on the people around you, as to dodge responsibility.

All the happy loving messages from people are nice, and they are just trying to share in the grief and express their sympathies; but they have made me angry at times. Angry for Matt, who has to see all these people with great memories of you caring and showing love and him never getting to have it. Anger for all the times I was held by the throat and slapped for sobbing, which only made it worse. Anger for all the verbal and psychological torment you put upon me and Chris. Anger for the neglect Matt felt. I haven’t put that to words before but that’s what he is feeling…. Because he was never able to see that great person that is held in the social consciousness of sooooo many people… We only have the guy who would brag about his sex parties to his children, that brought criminals and druggies into his family home and got our house robbed because of his negligence, who cussed out all three of his children, said he didn’t give a shit about them and just would rather not be a dad. Stuck with the memories of me spending weekend after weekend driving back to Hammond to try and protect my family from my dad. He was the guy who, post the divorce, my only contact was to get weed; because I am broke and dealing with my health issues, and he had the best prices. There is so much anger there, because for all the happy stories, he kind of mentally broke us all, and none of us were given that closure. Matt specifically, because he had always held on to the hope that he would one day be able to experience the kind father that so many people say existed at one time.

But for me, beneath all that active anger is a true sadness. Growing up you were my best friend for a long time, as my dad, my coach in EVERYTHING, and I can say now also as my abuser. I think we need to see all the good and bad together and it's okay to acknowledge all the good. He was a great coach that invested greatly in the children of the community. He actively tried to bring everyone into the fold of what we called family. He is the reason I have such a love for debate, because I spent most of my childhood figuring out how to form a good argument, and how to defend that position quickly, because otherwise you would get steamrolled by the personality and the continuous firehose of words that constantly flowed from his endlessly moving lips. He showed me that in order to adapt and work with everyone, it is best to be a jack of all trades so you can help everyone. He loved sports and fixing things and shaped my sense of humor. All three of us siblings have the same eating habits as him, which is one thing I would argue he was right about. He showed that life can be fun, while you are still taking care of business.

He was the Dad to all the kids in the neighborhood who did not have a father figure who was around, and I think that is why it is so hard for us, all of us, because he did all that… and then he didn’t…..

And it hurts to know that it just all fell away, and there is no changing that. It is a little hard for all of us, because IDK if I ever wanted to be friends with him again, but DAMMIT I WANTED TO PUNCH HIM ONE MORE TIME lmao. He would have laughed at that, and happily taken an assbeating if it meant we forgave him though……. Idk if that's true... But he said it before and I kind of believed it….

I truly believe that my father could have been better had he not intentionally thrown caution to the wind when it came to mental health and preventative care. When he started going to therapy, he then would come back from therapy and tell me how great it was to talk with a sexy woman, and that he was really thinking he could just turn those into sex visits. I was frustrated to hear that, because it meant that he did not want to follow through. And the horrible moments when he confirmed that he achieved his goals. He knew his own issues, but thought it easier to highlight everyone else’s issues, instead of address his own. He felt that he could not change, and he was who he was, so he might as well drag everyone down with him, and laugh on the way down….. That’s the sad part of it all.. None of us brothers were surprised to hear he passed. We each had different theories of how it might happen, and during darker moments how we really really hoped it would happen, and would make sure it did if there was uncertainty. It just feels sad, because all the anger comes from experience and wanting the craziness to stop, not from a personal hate, but from watching him change and hurt people. We all had wanted him to keep getting help and to try and address the anger, rage, sadness, anxiety, and self-defeating thoughts that ate him up, and came out in those bouts of fury. And, to some extent, I think all of us held on to the hope that it would still happen, that he would apologize and there would be a big fallout, and then years later he would show up at the parties with Bobbi after getting over being shunned for his dick move; or he might actively come to apologize and make amends, because we had all shut him out due to caution from being burned previously… and none of that happened… and that is sad… because I know it hurt him.

Death and Grief makes me think of theatre and the idea of comedy/tragedy. All the different emotions flying around at the same time: happy, fury, hate, contentment, laughter, sadness, disgust, disrespect, anger, love, melancholy, wistfulness, and all of them are there. The tragedy is that this all happened, that the issues weren’t resolved, that my father is passed and we are left having to deal with all the good and the bad that he did in the world, without a person for whom to direct our feelings. We all just get to sit and deal with our shit. But One thing I do know is that Donnie Baseball loves a good joke. He told them endlessly to anyone who would listen, and whether anyone laughed, or if it was a good joke, made no matter as to whether he enjoyed it. So I know there is comedic spin to it, one that my brother Matt pointed out. He now has to answer to his Mom and Dad, Nana Viv & Bonka Don, for all his bad behavior. And I can only imagine their response when they hear what he did to their house, and to their grandchildren. lol

RIP Donnie Baseball - but I know Viv won’t give you any peace for a while still.

11/17/2020

“He died of blunt force trauma. He either fell asleep or was choking on his chew and morning phlegm and went into the drainage ditch at about 50. He didn't suffer. But if he'd been wearing his seatbelt he'd still be here. Just broken.”

���Well he's had 5 seatbelt tickets in the 5 years we've been together. There's definitely a pattern there” Bobbi-Jo

It is incredible, even to the very end just swimming in irony. He spent his life trying to teach others how to live better, and was the best coach, yet died because he wouldn’t take his own advice. Just buckle your seatbelt. Likely still stoned, waking up in the morning, enjoying his chew, he passed away painlessly. Everyone is sad by this because it is not the death anyone felt he deserved, yet it is pretty much exactly what he wanted. He had talked to me about driving off a bridge and ending it painlessly, and doing something he loved and he did just that.

There is still a lot of anger for Bobbi within me. I know there is more within my brothers because they saw the actual actions and impact she had on him. And yet, She is broken and sad now. They were toxic and not great people, yet they made eachother happy, and were willing to work toward each other's happiness with a desire to understand. I don’t think I can say they were an ideal pair, or they were good for eachother, but they loved each other. They each knew love within the other. And it is sad to watch someone lose their lover. And I am glad that there is someone who will mourn and grieve him like he should, and to direct that process of dropping off his ashes, but damn… But that anger again comes from the desire for him to change, and the childish notion that “she changed him” which I know to be wrong and not how things work. Now it is just a process of trying to move forward. She still had a strong hand in the collapse of our family system, but that was instigated by him; and she did try to show love and affection to us, to an extent. She doesn’t deserve the anger…. She is a sad woman whose lover has passed away….

Everything is crazy, I am both happy and sad that you are gone. I am thankful you didn’t hurt, yet I still wish you could appreciate the hurt you caused. You taught innumerable life lessons to likely thousands of kids by modeling both what you should, and what you shouldn’t, do at different times... Our biggest arguments would fall back to the idea of living in a world of black and white, right and wrong, as to living in a world of gray. I argued that there was no completely good or bad, no complete right or wrong and you’d disagreed. You were very binary in your beliefs, this or that, one or the other, which is utterly baffling, considering that you LIVED in the gray area. So here we are, left living in this world and having to acknowledge all the different shades of black and white within your life. And for me, idk if I can call any of it good or bad anymore….And I wish I wasn’t right…. But this world of gray is important, and just because it's a gray world does not mean we won’t enjoy it.

[ellana-ravenwood]

“Your wife is hot” - Bruce Wayne x Reader

Here’s for you :), and I thank you very much ^^

PART 2 

_______________________________________________________________________

The league discovered that Batman made files on all of them. Files in which were their secret identities, the way they could be defeated, and a all lot of personal details. And so they were...pretty mad at him. They felt like he betrayed their trust, while all he wanted to do was to make sure the World was safe. So the bat had to amend himself. He told all of them he was Bruce Wayne. And that’s the story of how a bunch of superheroes invaded your home. 

They first went to see the Batcave, which left you enough time to try and relax. It wasn’t everyday that you met the biggest superheroes of the World. You already encountered Superman, who was in real life Clark Kent, your husband’s best friend. You also were friend with Wonder Woman, having actually quite a lot in common with Diana Price. And your eldest son was friend with The Flash sidekick, Kid Flash, even though you never actually met Barry Allen, you felt like Wally told you enough things about him that you knew you’d probably get along. But the rest...Well, you were just super stressed. 

Of course, you knew all of them, extensively actually. You knew what they liked and didn’t like, their personality...Hum, you might have, MIGHT, read Bruce’s files on them. Curiosity. It was your biggest flaw. 

You heard them before you saw them. Granted, they were making quite a raucous. First entered Bruce, closely followed by The Martian Manhunter, J’onn J’onzz. Then came in Hal Jordan, one of the Green Lantern. Clark and Diana, who smiled warmly at you. The Flash who was...talking. So much babbling about everything he saw in the bat cave. There was so many things in the bat cave...After him was Arthur Curry, the dude who was speaking to fish, Oliver Queen and Dinah Lance, another power couple. Green Arrow and Black Canary. Finally came in the very stoic Hawkman and Hawkwoman. You knew a huge part of the league didn’t come, busy with their own things, and you were so thankful for it, as you were already freaking out quite a bit. 

You were sitting on a high chair around the kitchen counter with Dick, Jason, Tim and Damian when they finally noticed you guys’ presence. 

-Oh, and here are the robins. So they are yours after all. 

-Yes, they are. 

This three words made your three eldest very happy, as Bruce rarely stated like that that he considered them his sons. They knew he loved them, but he only showed it when they were almost head or emotionally in distress...

Flash came very quickly to shake their hands. And then he looked at you. You knew the spark in his eyes. Most men had it when they looked at you. It’s not that you were particularly beautiful, but there was an aura around you that just made you irresistible. You were rather charming, without even trying to be. 

-Wow...and who do we have here ?

Bruce approached you and went around the kitchen counter to sit next to you. He looked coldly at Flash, having recognize as well the spark in his eyes. He would never admit it, but Bruce was a very jealous man.

-My wife. 

Except for Diana and Clark, they all seemed stunned. What ? Batman had a wife ? How the...What ?! That guy ? But like, he smiled once every year and he was so...It was just crazy that he had a wife. It blew their minds. 

-You guys are going to catch flies if you keep your mouthes open like that. Y/N, you already know who they are, everyone, Y/N. My wife. 

Clark chuckled at his compatriots’ reaction, and Diana gave you a sorry look. You were slightly annoyed. Not because they all stared at you with curiosity, making you uncomfortable, but because it was clear that they didn’t know your Bruce at all. They were all surprised he had someone who loved him, because all they ever saw was his Batman side, and not even the good Batman side...You were actually kinda happy they came in your home, maybe they’d realize that there was more to the bat than met the eyes. 

-Hum, Alfred made fresh tea and coffee, and I baked cookies if...superheroes are interested in this kind of stuffs. 

You shyly said, trying to change the subject, and they all laughed frankly. Yes, superheroes were definitely interested in those kind of stuffs. They all sat around the counter and attacked what you and Alfred prepared for them.

You were bombarded by questions. Where did you met ? how the hell could you deal with him everyday ? Since how long where you together ? Blahblahblah. You tried to answer to everything, feeling Bruce’s loving and slightly amused gaze on you. 

You were kinda amused too, to be honest. Earth’s mightiest superheroes, interested in things as trivial as someone else’s relationship. 

-Hum...We met at a cafe, he tried to help me with a thief but I knocked the thief down with a chair... (happened in this fic thought it was fun to mix them a bit) 

-Which is what drawn me to her. 

The League was listening with attention. 

-I deal very well with him, thank you. I don’t appreciate what you implied there. He isn’t some kind of animal difficult to handle you know.

-Careful, she has a mean right hook. And our chairs here are very sturdy.  

Flash shifted in his seat awkwardly. You were looking at him coldly, knowing he was the one that asked the question, and damn he found you terrifying and sexy at the same time. He was very confused. 

-We’ll be having our ten years anniversary next months...And I’m sorry guys, I can’t remember any other questions you asked. 

Before any of the leaguers could say anything, J’onn talked. 

-We don’t have any more questions Mrs. Wayne. I’m sorry for my friends’...behavior. They’re usually more polite. 

He glared at the others, and they got the message. Batman was letting them in his personal life, trying to regain their trust, and they were being rude. After all, with his telepathic powers, he sometimes, not on purpose, caught glimpses of the real Bruce. A broken man, whom you mended carefully. A man that, if he didn’t had his full trust in them, would never have told them his identity. 

They apologized, suddenly understanding. Well, actually, J’onn told them with his telepathic powers, and they all felt a bit guilty. A bit, because they still remembered the files. 

-It’s alright really. I understand. After all, he knows a lot about you, and you didn’t even know he had a wife. So...Yeah. Hum. 

You smiled at them, and your natural aura all caught them. They instantly liked you. You just had that effect on people, and the one who couldn’t stand you were doing so just because they envied you. 

You all talked about light subject, avoiding League’s matter, and just talking about anything, like  friends. 

-Oh it’s already 4...Hum, I’m late. I’d gladly stay a bit longer, but I have work to do. Boring Wayne inc stuffs you know. Hope to see you all again. We could...like...have a big barbecue or something. 

You hugged Clark and Diana, and shaked a bit awkwardly everyone else’s hand. When it came to the Flash, you felt him shiver a bit under your touch, but had tact enough not to say anything. 

You gave a kiss on the cheek to your boys, and as you went to say goodbye to Bruce, he surprised you by kissing you passionately on the lips, in front of everyone. When he pulled away, your breath was quick, and you saw him giving Flash “the bat glare”. You smiled softly, and with a last peck on his lips, left. 

A silence installed itself, a silence that Flash broke. 

-Well, one thing is sure Bruce...Your wife is damn hot.

-I’m gonna kick you in the face. 

-Don’t talk about our mother like that. 

And that’s the story of how the Justice League started to really bond...and of how Barry Allen got that he shouldn’t say anything about the Batman’s wife, as his black eye reminded him the next day. 

[mr-whiskers-mcmuffin]

I see the double standards in fandoms. Dang does PLL got it the worst. Lately its like shipping them cause they look cute together. No real substance to the ship itself. Emison: Could have been good. If the chem was there. Better Ali good girl Arc. It isn't written genuine enough. So hard to believe. Paily: Alil better. Better chem but the story isn't developed enough. An Paige was missing to much to be truly believable as a whole genuine relationship. Saw the guys more than we saw Paige.

Yeah it’s kind of weird. Like the AfterEllen recap that basically said that Ali was toxic but because Alison and Emily were a couple of women they were on board. What kind of fuckery is that?!

Lack of chemistry and closed-mouth kisses aside, to me Emison could have been something. I had two Alis in my life, two straight girls who played with my feelings, and to see Emison happen like that sends a really bad message imo. We get it, Alison miraculously changed after the time-jump. But I wish she had been called out on her behavior before than just a few minutes before she told Emily she loved her and Emily kissed her back. She said she didn’t know why she acted like that, what kind of apology is that? 

We’ve all had girls who said they were straight that loved to be loved by us (when I say we I talk about myself and almost every lesbian friend I have.) and it’s a long and difficult healing process to get over them. So when Alison just kisses Em out of the blue 5 years later like in 7x10 and goes into a dramatic monologue in 7x16 before she kisses Emily, it hurts. Emily thought Ali was straight. I think about all the little lesbians that are going to think that their (supposedly) straight friend that plays with their feelings is in fact in love with them, and that it’s okay if they don’t really apologize or acknowledge everything they did wrong because in the end they are going to be together. Alison as been portrayed as straight the whole show except in a few moments where she seemed to care about Emily romantically, and everything is cleared up at the end while bashing her previous relationships with men (hello Lorenzo, what have you done wrong to deserve that?) I know Emison shippers don’t see it that way but I’m just talking about my own feelings on the matter. Also my own experience shows me that people can grow out of feelings for someone (even if something is always there of course) and even the most forgiving person would still be on their guard when someone who used to pretend they loved you says they really do. At one point trust can only be that much broken for it to never rebuild fully. My point is not to invalidate Alison’s sexuality, good for her to finally know where she’s at -if you believe she is genuine- but to say that with everything that happened between them, it’s just weird that they haven’t really talked about the past, and the way I see it, Alison hasn’t apologized for toying with Emily’s feelings for years. It’s a thing to acknowledge you were a horrible person because of that, it’s another to make amends. But it’s probably gonna happen with romantic scenes etc.In my opinion Paige’s homophobia when we first saw her followed later by her rainy apology was enough to show that sometimes, people feel so much hate for themselves that they need to exorcise it by being extreme, but that doesn’t mean they can’t give you a heartfelt apology a few hours later. Hours. Not years. Hours. She needed that to fully admit her feelings for Emily -to herself at first-.

I wish Emison had more development. I wish it would have started after Paige left in 5x14. I know both Emily and Ali weren’t ready for it, but they could have tried, failed, go their separate ways, and try again. Just like with Paige. That what makes me root for a couple, the struggle, the break ups, the reconciliations. The length and number of happy Paily scenes we had made it clear they were supposed to be endgame. No amount of tweets from Marlene King can convince me otherwise. Or if she had really planned on giving Emison just a 5 episodes relationship on screen then all hope is lost.

I’m still mad that they treated Paige like that. I don’t know if that’s because it was ABC Family and they didn’t want to show that much of a lesbian couple, but when I binged the show it really pissed me off. At the time I wasn’t even a big Paige/Paily fan but just the inequality between the straight couples and Emily’s relationships made my blood boil.I think their story was well developed -even with the lack of screentime- because we had genuine struggles on both parts, especially with Paige’s coming out. They could have not done it for example but they took their time to give her that amaaaazing speech. And they also could have chosen not to bring Paily back together before she left. We got picnics, karaoke, swimming, dances… and I know Emison is going to have a sexy scene and for some it’s considered as winning but to me, those happy Paily moments are priceless. I wouldn’t exchange them for an hour of Paily sex.

In conclusion, I am bitter.Of course I am happy to have seen Paily happy once more. Of course I am happy to have seen how Paige grew to be an amazing woman. But if Emison was the plan the whole time I wish they had developed them more and leave my Paily heart alone.

PS: Sorry about the length of my answer that has mostly nothing to do with your “question” xD

[whitneycolin]

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Can You Get Back Together With An Ex