#apologies to anyone i've ever had a crush on lmfao

[sleepy-steve]

@steddieangstyaugust 05/08 // ‘Please Please Please, Let Me Get What I Want’ by The Smiths

wc: 2.2k // rating: M // cw: language, negative self talk // tags: YEARNING, post-s4 but vecna dies, eddie has some self-esteem issues, mild references to sexual content

divider credits @steddiecameraroll-graphics

Eddie isn’t sure when it started. When this… obsession took over his life. When he suddenly couldn’t think of anything but Steve Harrington.

It could have been when they started hanging out every day, the threat of otherworldly horrors gone and the Big Evil defeated. When they realised that while they don’t necessarily have much in common, they both care to learn about what the other likes.

It could have started before that, when Steve continually showed up to help him through his physical therapy, never wavering in his kindness despite how many times Eddie snapped in frustration or lashed out at him. Steve always took it in stride, but never patronised him. Or was it even before that? When Steve showed up everyday to his bedside in the hospital, at first appearing to just be chauffeuring Dustin, but then visiting on his own. Spending hours talking with him or letting the silence settle between them, filling the hours where Wayne couldn’t be there.

Shit, if Eddie really thought about it, it went further back than that too. Before Steve carried him out of hell and quite literally saved his life—though that alone was enough to make a guy swoon—and before the moment Eddie flirted with him in the RV (and really, what was he thinking with that?) and even before their little heart to heart in the aforementioned hell after the first bat attack.

No, if Eddie was honest with himself, it all went back to Steve’s surprise appearance in the boathouse, shoved up against the wall with a shard of glass pressed to his neck and fear in his eyes. Eddie remembers feeling Steve tremble as Eddie held tight to his jacket, watching as he swallowed, skin of his throat pressing against the glass. Eddie’s own hands shook around the broken bottle, from exertion and fear, and god help him he was not going down without a fight in that moment. Their all too literal colliding of worlds was not something he could have been prepared for, nevermind the fact that Eddie almost killed him. But it was that brief moment, so miniscule, right before Eddie let him go, that he realised Steve really wouldn’t hurt him. Despite being held up and almost having his throat slashed, Steve had dropped the oar.

It was the first hint he got that all those things Dustin had said about Steve were actually true. That all the ideas he’d previously had about Steve Harrington were undeniably false. And Eddie only continued to be proven wrong by the sheer magnitude of Steve’s kindness, his patience, his unending love for his friends. Which now, by some miracle, Eddie was a part of.

It had grown. Out of something that should have just been a trauma-bond that then dissolved once they were quote-unquote healed and realised they actually had nothing in common besides the shared experience of almost dying in an otherworldly dimension. It had grown into something much more than that, something that Eddie never really had before. He’d had friends before, sure, his little sheepies and his band mates, but nothing quite like this. It was both his fault and also not. When he arrived in middle school and was immediately bullied for daring to be a little bit different—despite the differences having more to do with his class status than anything he had truly picked at that time—the walls came up. People could get somewhat close to him, but ultimately Eddie decided just how much he would give to people, and arms length was always safest. They wouldn’t be able to hurt him at arms length.

And yet. Steve Harrington had somehow wormed himself past the walls, beyond the arms length barrier, and settled himself neatly within Eddie’s rib cage. Not only that, Steve brought along the rest of his little group, a family that knocked down Eddie’s walls and forged a space just for him. It went beyond the trauma bond. It had grown into something that almost felt like Steve cared about him. Actually, that wasn’t fair. Steve absolutely did care about Eddie. He’d shown it time and time again. Shown up and held tight and given his time and space and love, being the kind of best friend Eddie only dreamed of having.

And here he was, greedy. Desperately craving more. More of the connection, more of the love —platonic though it is—more of which he has already been given. Arguably he’s received far more than he ever thought he deserved (despite what his new friends might say). But Eddie can’t help it.

He wants. He craves.

He fucking aches for it.

It grips him in a chokehold, this desperation with which he begs to receive more. To have more. To be more. It wasn’t enough to have Steve’s friendship, Eddie wanted his whole heart. His whole soul, even. Every tiny speck of stardust that came together to create him, Eddie wanted it in his possession. Wanted it all to himself, to hoard like a dragon’s greatest treasure. To lock this man away and keep him safe and shower him with love and devotion every day for the rest of his life. He longed for it to the point of feeling more animal than man, a slave to his own desires. Helpless against his own hunger for a connection that would run bone deep between them, etched into his skull, woven into his blood. Eddie burned to fucking consume Steve Harrington and be consumed by him. To have their souls merge together in a supernova and, and, and…

And nothing. Because it would never happen. Not for Eddie, not the way that he wants it to. He reminds himself constantly that he should just be grateful to have the friendship, to cherish it for the special thing that it is. That guys like Steve Harrington didn’t want guys like Eddie Munson, at least not in that way. Not in the way Eddie wanted, because Eddie never got what he wanted.

Well, not never. But rarely. When he goes down this spiral, he struggles to remember times he has actually gotten what he wanted. In love, in romance? Never. Kisses—too fast, too hard, too scared—shared with boys who met him behind the bleachers and didn’t know what they wanted. Or rather, did know but wished they didn’t. Those that ended in the boys running away, or worse, threatening to hit him—to kill him—if Eddie dared to speak about what happened. Not that anyone would believe a jock would ever turn to Eddie The Freak Munson, even as an experiment. That’s all he ever was when he was younger, an experiment. It was all he thought he deserved, at least until he got a bit older and was able to venture out of Hawkins. Then came other stuff. Quick, filthy hookups in club bathrooms and dark alleyways in Indy. A stranger’s tongue in his mouth and their hands in each other’s pants and maybe their mouths on each other and the flash of a smile before leaving and he’d never see them again. It was fine. He got what he set out for in those moments, but nothing more. He never felt like he was owed more, never felt worthy of more, so why would anyone give him that? At least they didn’t end in threats of violence. At least he felt desired, somewhat. But, if given the chance, he’d trade all those experiences for one night of feeling like he was the prize, like he was the one worth fighting for, like someone wanted his heart.

And the craziest part was… sometimes he did feel that way. Sometimes Steve made him feel that way. Like Eddie was the most special person on the planet. Like no one else could draw his attention away. Like they were the only two people in the world. Like Steve could actually…

No. It wasn’t like that. Eddie had to remind himself endlessly. It wasn’t like that. This love wasn’t reserved just for Eddie, who watched Steve share it with all of them. When he picked up Dustin to take him wherever he wanted to go, despite the squabbling they shared. The way he and Robin seemed to read each other's minds, attached at the hip whenever possible. How he helped Max after she got out of the hospital, ready to drop everything at a second’s notice if she needed him. Spending afternoons training basketball with Lucas, giving him all of his tips and shining with pride at his skills.

Still… there was something. Something in the way Steve’s eyes lit up whenever Eddie arrived. Something in the way he was almost always too close, fingers brushing as beers were passed, arms and legs pressed against each other during movie nights, arms held tight when nightmares returned, and one glorious evening of warm cuddling and dreamless sleep after sharing a joint. Eddie lived in those moments, let them play on an endless loop in his mind, reading deep into each tiny interaction. Thinking about every smile sent his way and was it any different from the smiles anyone else got? God, he wanted to believe Steve had a special one just for him. One that was a little bit softer and sweeter and shyer.

The idea is nice, but it’s washed away by the cold reality of the fact that it would never happen. Even if, by some miracle, Steve was anything other than straight, why would he want Eddie? He could have anyone he wanted. And Eddie wouldn’t get what he wanted because that’s just how life was for him. Though he may beg and plead with invisible entities for it, though he might crave and ache to the point of feeling feral with it, though he might promise—swear on his life—to himself and anyone up there listening that he’d treat Steve so well if given the chance, Eddie knew it just wasn’t on the cards. The sooner he accepted that the better.

His resolve in place—forget about it, or at least bury it until it could be forgotten—Eddie makes his way up the driveway to the Harrington house. He wouldn’t think about it for the entirety of movie night. He absolutely would not.

“Hey, man!” Steve answers the door with a perfect smile and joy in his eyes. Eddie’s resolve wobbles. “Just in time.”

Eddie takes a moment to steel himself, firmly reminding himself of his goal, as he follows Steve into the house. And it lasts for all of two minutes before he’s pulled down onto the sofa, thigh pressed against Steve’s. Was there truly any reason for Eddie to be tortured this way? He tries to remember that Robin is on the other side of Steve, and that there’s limited room on the sofa but fucking hell… Their shoulders brush, the soft grazes through layers of fabric sending Eddie’s mind spinning, until Steve places his arm around behind Eddie on the sofa-back, not quite touching but close enough to feel the heat of his skin. And god, this is so much worse. The desire to lean in and cuddle him, just nestle right in and have Steve’s arm around him, drives him crazy. The idea that they could… that this could be normal for them, domestic even. It went beyond the physical, Eddie wanted to take care of him. To show him the love Steve had so willingly given to him, and give it back ten-fold, hundred-fold. To create a life with him. To be proud of him and show him off and love him endlessly. To go to the ends of the earth to grant Steve his every wish, if he could just have one chance, he was begging—

Get it together! Eddie’s internal voice hisses at him, and he tries to shove all his thoughts back down into a vault, feeling a bit like trying to get water back into a broken hydrant. He does his best, managing to get it back down to a simmer, rather than a rapid boil.

Steve shifts slightly, suddenly a bit closer. It all comes rushing back. The warmth where their thighs are touching becomes burning hot and all the aching, craving, yearning, wanting that Eddie tried to shove down and out of his mind is suddenly front and centre and focused on the way Steve laughs and those glorious moles dotting down his neck. He feels insane with longing, desperate to press his lips to those moles, as if that could ever convey the depth of his feelings for the man beside him. Overcome with the need to drag his fingers through that beautiful hair and maybe even pull on it a little, just to see what kind of noise Steve makes, Eddie hears the tiny voice in his mind telling him off for staring. He just can’t seem to drag his eyes away. Steve throws his head back with a laugh, exposing his throat, and Eddie might as well perish right then and there, distraught with how much he wants to bite it. To just sink his teeth into the skin and feel Steve’s pulse beneath with his tongue. To leave bites and bruises all over his body, everywhere Eddie thinks is beautiful…

Before he can summon enough shame to look away, Steve catches his eye, and just grins, eyes lit up with that same brightness he always seems to have when looking at him.

Eddie’s a fucking goner.

[dollypopup]

I just don't agree with you. On a lot of parts, but mostly I feel this is a misread of the characters, not only Colin, but also Penelope and Debling. Debling never had actual interest in Penelope. He would have been fine with just about any woman who'd be content in taking care of his estate. The narrative made that very clear in multiple aspects: he was completely flat faced when he asked Portia for her permission, and even upon seeing Penelope there, he hardly even acknowledges her. When she asks if he could ever come to care for her, he blatantly tells her that he doesn't have the room in his heart for anything but his own passions. He very clearly seeks out the two women who are loners in their society and who he felt wouldn't hold any affections for anyone else.

Many, many people were actually hoping to see Colin grovel for Penelope, because many many people genuinely didn't like him due to a projection. You're right that the show is a wish fulfillment, and a lot of people saw Colin and projected that he was the crush they had that rejected them. But that's not what Colin is. That's not the crux of his character. He's not the guy who rejected Penelope- he's her friend who is stumbling around blind trying to balance his vulnerability and soft heart with the sexist machismo his society expects of him.

I think we did see Colin pining for Penelope. He dreams of her, he looks for her in every room they're in, he constantly talks her up, he can't stop thinking about her, he has to buy and eat the same cake she did whilst looking longingly off after her.

Of course Penelope is worth people's time. That was never in question. But she's not in any way someone who has game lmfao. That's the whole point of her character. She never had to do anything to have someone genuinely love her- she just had to be herself. To see Penelope in any way as a 'girlboss' is to do her a disservice. Penelope is a young woman with a romantic heart who feels alone and rejected and neglected in her society. She has made a career off of voicing aloud the thoughts she feels no one else would listen to. She has incredibly low self esteem due in much part to the fact that her society has ground her down beneath their heel: her mother, her sisters, her bullies.

But the difference with Colin is that he does not do the same. He sees her, and he listens to her, and that for me eliminates a lot of the 'forced' and 'rushed' accusations, because it's a pattern of behavior he has exhibited with her for years. When Penelope tells him (already a point for them, because she feels confident enough in informing him when he upsets her, a woman who is so used to holding her tongue in general or being unheard) that he contributed to her feelings of rejection in society, he comes to her and apologizes, and with words and actions, seeks to make it right.

I've been in my fair share of friends who want to be more scenarios. I'm a queer woman, it's very much a thing with us lol A few of which have become more. And let me tell you. . .none of it ever happens 'naturally'. There is always someone who has to be brave enough. There is always someone who has to take the steps to request there be more. Penelope is brave enough to request it of Colin by asking him to kiss her, and then Colin in turn is brave enough to request a formal relationship with Penelope by professing that he has feelings for her.

There was no relationship developing between Penelope and Lord Debling. Any connection they had was surface level at best. His feelings for her were non-existent. He was ready and eager to leave her for years. She tells Colin that she 'made peace' with her decision and what Debling can offer her. Everything about Debling DOES make us root for Polin more, because he is nothing at all what Penelope desires.

Again, I think this is just. . .a misread or a lack of empathy for the main leads. And tunnel vision to the fact that Colin and Penelope have had two entire years of development prior to this. People have built up a fantasy of what Penelope is that just isn't true to her: she doesn't want a life of loneliness in which she runs a big house all by herself. People who think that of her have ignored so much of her development.

Penelope is a dreamer. She's a woman with a soft heart. She wants to be loved. She loves love stories, she holds onto her crush not because she feels that it will amount to anything, but because for her, loving someone, having that passion for them, feeds her. Sustains her. Even in season 2, she informs that perhaps it's fanciful to have big, grand, romantic dreams, but that those fantasies arm her for the realities of the world.

Not even the audience listens to Penelope. But Colin does.

I know the shared sentiment you're talking about. It prioritizes drama over romance, prioritizes the flash in a pan passion of a couple who meets instantly and then has to brood and glare their way through a communication. For me, this season sparkles because it's different. For me, this season goes the extra mile because it rejects these things in favor of tenderness.

I came here for a love story and I got one. We have plenty of drama with Whistledown. The pacing, I can agree with. I feel like there were a lot of side-plots that chopped up their story, but ultimately, I'm happy. But I fully disagree with your assessment that Polin's relationship doesn't have a healthy and happy foundation. Penelope resigned herself to that engagement, thinking she had to settle for a man who wouldn't love her, and then was overjoyed when she realized she didn't have to settle. Sure, it would be advantageous for her place in society, but not in any other way. You really think Penelope would be out here pleased in a marriage of convenience? Debling didn't HAVE to break his engagement for her because Colin stepped in between them for a dance. He wasn't forced into not asking for her hand.

He chooses to reject her. He *chooses* to deny her, because he realizes that Penelope would never be happy with him, and that he wouldn't be happy with her. He could absolutely still have asked her to marry him, but he doesn't because he assumes she'll be unfaithful to him based on absolutely nothing. Debling is *not* a good guy (he's not a bad guy, mind you, but he just doesn't. . .care about women and their dreams and desires, he wants a woman to serve a specific role for him, and in no way does he care to serve a role for her, he's not looking for a partnership) and he's not good for Penelope in the long term in any way that matters. Colin is. Colin understands her and wants what she wants, they relate to each other.

Penelope wants passion, Penelope wants a partner, Penelope wants someone to care for her and about her. She wouldn't get any of that with the engagement Colin 'ruined'. And yes, there's the hanging guillotine of LW, but ultimately, Polin can move forward through these difficulties BECAUSE they have a foundation. They've been friends for years. They've made each other laugh, uplifted one another, been reprieve when reprieve is nowhere else. They have a foundation of caring for each other and being in one another's corners, they have a foundation of looking out for each other, albeit in imperfect ways, they have a foundation of shared values, of sharing the same heart. Big ambitions and tender feelings.

We're both excited for Part 2, but I think for very different reasons.

No bc this irks me. It's the PRINCIPLE of the thing at this point.

Why all the people who were out here anticipating season 3 of Bridgerton and saying "I hope Penelope makes Colin work for it" and "I wanna see him on his hands and knees begging for her to forgive him" or "I want him to confess his love and for her to initially reject him" suddenly so QUIET now???

Where did y'all GO???

And I'm not talking to the girlies (gn) who read the book. I have a different bone to pick with y'all 🫵🫵🫵 about how you let us get our hopes up

Rn it's about the friends-to-unrequited-love-to-lovers enjoyers who suddenly ✨ DONT HAVE MY FUCKIN BACK ✨ and were won over by one (1) singular scene. It takes only the one (1) risque moment and suddenly you don't want "she fell first, he fell harder" x "what you needed was in front of you the whole time" done CORRECTLY and you've left me to myself SCREAMING