#anywhere else i know it'd just be seen as a sob story excuse or something

[americanphancakes]

I wanna talk about my mind for a little bit

I was gonna save this until after I posted the last Wingless Angel chapter but I can’t post it yet. Pretty sure my mind wants me to get this out of my system first.

So hi everyone, how are you? How have you been? Honestly if you’re still following at all I’m delighted.

I don’t want this to come across as some excuse for all the unfinished fanfic I left behind 3+ years ago, which is why I wanted to publish WA first, so I hope you don’t take it that way. But I ended up stumbling upon an aspect of my mental health that I’m still trying to address and since I never really saw anyone post or talk about my particular issue before very recently, I wanted to share it in case it resonates with anyone.

(Clearly stuff has changed, this is where I'd normally put a "read more" but.... I guess that's not a thing anymore?? Hopefully this isn't a huge annoying wall of text on everyone's dash, oof.)

I’ve posted before about my ADHD. I’ve been getting treatment for it for 10 years now, and for all that time, medication & other coping mechanisms have been helpful to a point, but only to a point. There was still something left that was keeping me from functioning, and I couldn’t tell what it was. All I knew was that I had no will of my own, and I’d spent the last 10 years trying to create situations where the people in charge were asking (or implying that i should do) things I considered good to do. “People in charge” meant anyone besides myself. If someone was not me, they automatically had authority, simply by virtue of being someone external to me.

I did a lot of research trying to find something that matched up with my experiences & feelings, even partially, and I looked into things like PDA autism and even just the people-pleasing habits common with other ADHD folks.

At some point, with therapy, I did learn how to say “no” to other people’s demands of me. I learned to set boundaries. But I was still profoundly uncomfortable with dictating what I was going to do, especially if anyone else was ever going to be aware of it.

When I was a little kid, i was told “no” constantly, and that’s not hyperbole. I’ve cited the story many times of falling in love with the violin when I was 9 but immediately being told “No, you’re going to play the flute.” So I played the flute, but without any passion for it I couldn’t figure it out and I quit, and my mom never stopped making me feel guilty about it. But that wasn’t the only example of that kind of thing. I wanted to play soccer; mom said play basketball, so I played basketball. I wanted to play piano; mom bought me a guitar and my sister got the electronic keyboard. (We eventually switched, but I never felt like I could fully commit to playing the thing). I wanted to learn Spanish or Japanese in high school; mom told me to learn French, so I took four fucking years of French.

My feelings and wishes were effectively not a factor in what I was allowed to do, what goals I was allowed to pursue, unless I was staying in my room and out of everyone’s way (and even then I had to make sure I jumped up to do what was asked of me if I got called from another room). Eventually I learned, as a survival mechanism, to just obey. It wasn’t worth fighting anymore because I was systematically robbed of my individuality at every turn. Something happened when I was 13 that I will never talk about publicly and she played "good parent who has her kid's back" for about 5 minutes before siding with the bad guy. I brought it up years later and she was mad I'd never gotten over it. And all that is on top of being raised to be a "good little capitalist drone" who needs to be perfect and efficient at all times. I was never supported. I was never given grace. So I never gave grace to myself, because if your own parents don't give you grace & time to learn and be flawed, then clearly you don't deserve any, right?

I finally cut my mother out of my life not long after the pandemic began, a few months after having gone no-contact from my father (mostly due to his casual racism & transphobia, which cost me at least one very close friendship when I was a kid, and was unkind to my child in a way I could not abide). My immediate family - spouse and kid - are the only family I have left now. And it sounds tragic on paper, because it is, but until I finally got away from my mother's voice in real life I couldn't filter through the recordings of her voice in my mind so I could finally throw them away. And that knot is still being untied. Honestly this is 10 years into a very long mental health journey, when you think about it, but I wish I'd cut my mom out of my life a very very long time ago. I wasn't angry about lost time when I got my ADHD diagnosis. I was angry about it when I realized that yes, this had been abuse, and I hadn't been courageous enough to get away from it sooner.

Because that dehumanization resulted in me having no will power of my own, and that extended as far as simply not wanting anything anymore. I like things, sure, but anything I WANTED for myself was out of the question, especially if it involved other people in any way, but honestly even solo pursuits became impossible for me to will myself to do. For right now, when I have something I want to do, I'm telling my friends & husband to order me to do it. Because I won't do it otherwise. And it's a potentially dangerous workaround, but it's all I have for now. I and my therapist are hoping that once my brain registers that what other people are telling me to do is aligned with what I want to do, maybe it won't depend on other people's commands anymore and I'll just take control of my own life for once. But that may not work. I'll have to wait and see.

So what does this have to do with my abandoned fics? Well, it had started to become more difficult to write because the adhd "shinyness" was wearing off anyway, but I'd been doing a good job of pushing past it because people liked what I was writing. I could see my skill getting better, and engagement was going up, and that was really motivating. But then... I stopped writing fic all of a sudden because someone made a post about finding it shitty when writers wrote about COVID in their fics, and.... that was sort of a last straw that broke me, because I do exactly that in the last WA chapter. So I just turned tail and ran away. I tried to push through and write & publish the chapter anyway, because it was the LAST chapter and I knew people were waiting on it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Even having OSBB obligations didn't get me writing again, and given that obligation, the shame I felt about not having finished those stories weighed on me so badly that I couldn't even interact with you guys on Instagram, despite you having been so kind to me in the past. Let's face it, that goes WAY beyond adhd rejection sensitivity, that's a trauma response. I saw one bit of honestly well-reasoned critique of work that wasn't even mine, and I just ran. Immediately I felt like I was no longer allowed to take up space here. I felt unwelcome here in this corner of the internet world, just as I have always felt like I wasn't allowed to take up space in the physical world for almost my ENTIRE life. And the shame I already feel about myself normally was compounded by what I felt was a cowardly thing to do, which prevented me from returning. Now that I've accepted that, yes, I am an abuse victim whose life has been MASSIVELY and MAJORLY affected by that childhood trauma, I'm finally able to address it properly. Over the last few weeks I've been changing the direction of my therapy and my self-talk (reparenting yourself is HARD) and I'm feeling some improvement, but progress isn't linear so my burst of motivation the other night fizzled out, and I'm genuinely sorry for that.

So... yeah, I'm trying to come back and get those fics finished. I'm grateful for any of you willing to be patient with me. Consciously I KNOW I deserve any support willingly given to me by any of you, but I FEEL like I don't. So yeah. Thanks. <3

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Buster

Rio: [Bank statement screenshot, his transfer circled] Rio: Is that you??? Buster: What? Rio: Did you transer that money, 'cos it's the amount I told you Ryan owes me, and around the time I told you, so Buster: You aren't ever getting it from that cunt Rio: That doesn't mean you have to foot the bill! Rio: Buster, oh my god Buster: It means he's got less of an excuse to come around though Buster: Worth it for that Rio: You must think I'm so ungrateful, I thought it was from the streams, I didn't clock it 'til now Buster: I didn't do it so you'd be grateful Buster: I have better methods for that, like Rio: Are you sure? Rio: I won't touch it, 'case you change your mind Rio: but thanks Buster: Don't be an idiot Buster: I don't want it back Rio: It's a lot of money that you don't owe me Buster: Nah Buster: It's like a piece from Nance's summer wardrobe or whatever Rio: I know Rio: and I already raided said wardrobe once, like Buster: Only what she left behind Buster: Nothing she cares about Rio: Still that good shit though Rio: not that I've priced it all up to put on poshmark or anything but you know Buster: Get that sorted for next time Buster: Anything you don't wanna keep yourself that is Buster: 💄 maybe Rio: 'Course Rio: was my colour Buster: Yeah Rio: Now I really owe you, yeah? Buster: Not for that Buster: I'm not trying to buy it, you know Rio: I know Rio: I will think of something though Buster: Good 'cause I can't stop thinking about you Rio: Same Rio: but reversed Rio: not that self-absorbed or feeling this bitch rn Buster: You should Buster: You look fucking good right now Rio: You would say that, perv 😉 Buster: Not sorry Buster: It's true Rio: Too early for truthing Rio: though thanks to all-inclusive i've been off my face nearly this entire time on cheap wine Buster: So what you'd rather a dare? Rio: 😂 Yeah Rio: what kinda of boring bitch picked truth, 'less they wanted to tell all their mates who they fancied Buster: I'm never bored of hearing how much you fancy me, babe Rio: Shut up 😏 Rio: about how mature i feel rn Rio: though glad you've grown, cuter now, like Buster: Are you saying I was an ugly kid? Buster: Bullshit and just rude to be honest Rio: No, just that you've got better with age Rio: don't start with me, accept the compliment like i'm accepting the cash 😜 Buster: Alright Buster: cheers then Rio: Welcome Rio: see, wasn't that nice? Buster: Shut up Buster: I've been nice to you loads of times Rio: I know Rio: I've been the cunt this time, like Buster: You're not Rio: Hmm, jury ain't even out on that one but imma use my time wisely Rio: gonna go straight guv Buster: Don't Buster: You actually would be in danger of being a boring bitch then Buster: And you ain't bad as is, like Rio: Now who's being rude, you don't need to take my place, babe Rio: Idk, undoubtly won't last, hasn't stuck yet, like Rio: sick of feeling like crap and acting or being treated like it Buster: I'm just saying, sin with me first, babe Buster: Do you really feel that bad? I know you didn't want a truth but you can tell me Rio: That doesn't count, I've decided Rio: mostly 'cos I really want to but no one's gonna know so no one can get fucked over, like Rio: Right now, yeah Rio: I didn't wanna go and leave Indie and things are weird between us rn as is Buster: She's alive I've seen the evidence Buster: but yeah I know Buster: Has he contacted you since you got there? Buster: Either he, like Rio: Yeah, I know she'll be alright, made sure but Rio: A few times Buster: And? Rio: Ryan just liking my pictures loving being the reason I'm here having a shit time on my tod Rio: Drew asking when my next shift was, so clearly been to see Indie, Dad of the year Buster: Twat Buster: Do you wanna come home? Rio: That's the thing Rio: not really Rio: Christ 😂 sob story moment Buster: You're allowed Buster: And you don't need my permission anyway, like Rio: I know I did it Rio: but everything is fucked at home rn Buster: Babe you haven't done anything Rio: I must've flirted with Drew too much and too real Rio: then the stupid fucking stream Rio: if Ryan has told anyone and my fam find out or get shit for it Rio: which he definitely will, fuck Rio: could explain the burlesque style of things but that was just fucking porn Rio: no escaping it Buster: Rio Buster: breathe, yeah? Buster: Drew's a grown ass man first of all and sketchy as fuck since he's been around. Indie knows Buster: She's not gonna blame you for him being a fucking perv Buster: And I've told you before, I'll shut Ryan up, 'cause I can and will Rio: Yeah Rio: Okay Rio: I just don't feel like I'm sorting anything from here Rio: 'cos I ain't Rio: I always fix things Buster: Exactly Buster: So let me do it this time Buster: I've got you, alright Rio: but it's not your mess Buster: So? Rio: so Rio: why Buster: So you can focus on having a not shit time Buster: That was the whole idea of you going, remember? Rio: Missed that memo Rio: here's me hiding in shame like Buster: Don't Rio: Try Rio: fuck's sake, do i have to admit i should've let you help from the start Buster: No, but I ain't gonna be mad if you do, obviously Buster: Just tell me what I can do now, yeah? Buster: What do you need? Rio: Don't reckon pride's gonna allow that just yet but then again Rio: gonna ask you to keep me company again though so maybe I can deal if I can admit I need that Rio: alone time's all well and good but feeling really fucking alone, like, nah Rio: not so much Buster: So let me come and keep you company for real Rio: can you? Buster: I wouldn't have said it if I couldn't Buster: I can be there Rio: do you wanna though? Rio: not exactly sold it Buster: Like I said, I'm not trying to buy you Rio: yeah Rio: well, if you did come Rio: i'd be happy about it Buster: Then I'm packing Rio: Buster Buster: What? Rio: Thanks Buster: Let me earn it first, babe Rio: Overachiever Buster: You say that like it's not the best thing to happen to you Rio: 😏 Rio: I ain't mad about it but don't ruin it, boy Buster: You reckon I could? Buster: I know how bad you want me, it'd take more than words Rio: True Rio: can't be bothered to lie about it now Buster: Good Buster: Don't lie to me Rio: I won't Rio: Can't, your annoyingly perceptive, like Buster: Well yeah, got my twin's share too, didn't I? Rio: Mean! Buster: Still true Rio: You don't have to say EVERY true thing just 'cos it is Buster: Not saying it to her, am I, she don't have to handle it Rio: 🙄 Rio: She's doing her best, bless her Rio: like the rest of us Buster: Maybe she should try a bit harder Buster: Like the rest of us Rio: She's changed a lot since she came to my School, you know Buster: Good for her Rio: Just saying Buster: Whatever Rio: Focus on packing Buster: It's done Buster: Not some amateur like Rio: know i don't plan on letting you leave the bed much but Rio: probably pack some outfits, babe Rio: how did you do it that fast Buster: 😏 Buster: I know you're more adventurous than that, babe Buster: Not gonna hide you away in the room when I can fuck you anywhere Rio: i did manage to get a room with a decent balcony, actually Buster: That's a start Rio: how soon can you get here Buster: There's a flight in a few hours then plus the actual time in the air, like Rio: Good Rio: Your 'rents cool? Buster: They could care less Buster: What else is summer for? Buster: Work hard, play hard, basically on our family crest Rio: 👍 Rio: I feel it Buster: Not gonna tell them I'm travelling to fuck you senseless Buster: Probably less approving of that but you know Rio: 😳 Rio: can't have them after me too, like Buster: I'd never let that happen Buster: I'm coming to make things better not worse Rio: You're too good Rio: to me and in general like Rio: got me weak 😩 Buster: You ain't seen nothing yet, babe Buster: Be ready for it Rio: You know I've BEEN ready Buster: Yeah but it's not just talk now, is it? Rio: Never been just talk Rio: unless you packing disappointment for me, like Buster: Shut up Buster: You know everything I've put in this case you'll wanna rip off me Rio: Just don't bill me for your dry cleaning Buster: Like you could afford it Rio: 😤 Rio: my point but don't be so rude Buster: Mine's that we gonna ruin half this Buster: That's why I packed so fast Rio: thank god i packed some decent shit in my own mad dash Rio: no excuse not to be seen with me now Buster: I'm done making excuses, believe me Buster: I don't care what you're wearing I just want to take it off you Rio: I know but I still want you to enjoy the view whilst doing it Buster: You know I will Buster: You're so hot it drives me insane Rio: Yeah Rio: I genuinely reckon when we finally get to fuck my life is gonna feel less shit because i actually feel mental how much i think about it Rio: no pressure 😂 Buster: I perform well under pressure Buster: No worries Rio: so fucking capable Rio: jesus Rio: such a turn on Buster: good Buster: 'cause I swear everything you do gets to me Rio: yeah? Buster: Yeah Rio: i'm glad Rio: all i wanna do is turn you on and get you off Buster: It's finally gonna happen Rio: I know, I get to feel it Rio: taste it Buster: fuck I bet you taste so good Rio: you can find out as soon as you get here Rio: already so wet ready for you Buster: Jesus Buster: I need to Rio: make me cum with your tongue before you fuck me Rio: i'll be so hot and tight on your dick Buster: Babe Rio: Yes? 😇 Buster: You're perfect Rio: perfect for you Buster: Yeah Rio: You are for me Rio: I have to have you Buster: You can have me as many times as you want Buster: There's nothing to stop us once this plane ride is over Rio: I intend to Rio: Not gonna be satisfied with just once Rio: waited and wanted too long Buster: I've never agreed with you more Rio: Good thing no one else can ever know, right? Buster: My ego won't agree after I've made you cum more than you ever have but Buster: I'll forgo the brag this once Rio: Realisitcally you already got 'em beat, how many times I've screwed myself and pretended it was you Rio: Brag all you want, just don't put my name down as a reference, like 😂 Buster: Bragging won't feel as good as any of this anyway Buster: You think you like my odds now but just wait until I'm inside you or been eating you out for hours Buster: The competition just won't exist Rio: Fucking hell Rio: my brain won't exist Rio: i need to not think for a while Rio: only think about making you feel as good as you make me Buster: That's all I want too Buster: Fuck it Rio: you've earnt it, daddy Rio: gonna take care of you like you do me Buster: How long until somebody misses you? Buster: I'm not even there yet and I already don't want to leave Rio: Ugh, I took a week so we've got Rio: 3 days left Buster: You don't need to sleep, right? Rio: If I do wake me up by pressing your hard on into my ass Rio: 😍 best way to wake up Buster: Least I can do Rio: what's the most Rio: i want that Buster: You'll have to fall asleep to find out Buster: Depends what you want more, really Buster: 'Cause being awake will be very tempting, like Rio: but but 😖 Rio: i just want you constantly idc Rio: i'm yours for the weekend use me however and whenever you want Buster: You have no idea how many times I've imagined you saying shit like that to me Rio: and i wanted to Rio: had to make sure you did too Buster: Thank Christ we both know now Rio: Now it doesn't have to be all fantasy Rio: I want to do everything you've ever thought about me doing to you, let you do everything you've ever dreamed of Buster: I'm not gonna say no Buster: I'm still waiting to hear all of yours Rio: interrogate me, i'll list 'em off, one for every spank you give me Rio: harder you go harder i will baby Buster: Fucking hell Buster: okay Rio: you want that? Buster: I really want it Rio: Good Rio: it's always made me wet when you tell me what to do and get a lil rough with me Rio: even if it makes me mad too, still want you to push me up against the nearest wall and fuck the shit outta me Buster: I know Rio: Not even ashamed Rio: 'cos I'd rather you knew so you would sometime Buster: Don't be Buster: I'm not ashamed to admit how hard you get me anytime you do what you're told either Rio: get used to it, i wanna do whatever you say right now Rio: sometimes i've gotta ignore you though so you punish me Buster: I don't reckon you can ignore me, even when you need to Rio: True Rio: you're too good Buster: That's what you'll be saying when I let you talk, babe Rio: Buster Buster: You can say my name too Rio: Good, because you're all that's on my mind Rio: byy the time you get here i'm going to need you so bad Buster: I need you so bad now Rio: can i touch myself or do i have to be good and wait Buster: Wait for me Rio: okay daddy Rio: my fingers aren't going to be enough anyway when i'm thinking of your big dick Buster: 3 days won't be enough Rio: i know Rio: we can work it out Buster: promise Rio: promise Rio: i need you Rio: whenever we can Buster: Me too Buster: There's nobody else who comes close to you Rio: 'cos i'm made for you Rio: don't forget Buster: I won't Buster: not after this Buster: I couldn't before, like Rio: I know Rio: we both tried Rio: saw you trying not to look at me when i was failing myself Buster: and I tried to get you to look at me any way I fucking could Rio: You never had to try, trust me Buster: It felt like it, some of the stupid shit I've done Rio: Why am I here? Rio: Can't get any more desperate or stupid, like Buster: Don't say that Rio: Sorry Rio: it's just the truth Rio: you know that was for you Buster: It's not gonna be like that any more Rio: no Rio: if you get me wet then my pussy is yours Rio: i won't ever ddo it again Buster: I won't do that kinda shit to you anymore Buster: New games now, like Rio: Better Buster: Yeah