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darkficsyouneveraskedfor · 4 years ago

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let me be your ruler.2

Warnings: guns, dubcon, noncon, handjob.

This is a dark! fic and explicit. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Pairing: (dark!mob!) Peter Parker x Reader

Summary: You try to forget about Peter but he won’t forget about you.

Note: I hate that I am the way that I am. I wanted to keep this to two parts but you know me.

Anyways, I’m excited for this and hope you are too.

Hope you enjoy it. Thank you. Love you guys!

Please leave some feedback, like and reblog <3

Drowsy in the afterglow of sex and alcohol, you fell quickly into a deep sleep. You didn’t even change before you sank into bed. You hardly recalled the elevator ride up or stumbling into your apartment and tripping around the shadows to your room. It was only a fractured journey from the car to your mattress.

You woke as your phone vibrated under your pillow. You must have buried it there before passing out. You groaned and rolled over as you dug it out. There were several notifications next to a single name; Peter. You thumbed through each message; written in the same tone as his voice. Demanding, without question.

‘Great night, Princess.’ ‘We’ll do it again Saturday.’ ‘Wear something nice.’ … The messages escalated smoothly from doting to commanding. It jolted you back to the night before, the way he seemed to just thrust you through the night. The dress, the drinks, the men, the guns…

You sat up, your panties crooked on your hips. You muttered and swiped away the messages. You weren’t seeing him again. You couldn’t. You had stuck your toe in too deep already. It was best to nip these things in the bud. Not to let yourself get dragged in so far you couldn’t see the surface.

Peter was more than mysterious; he was dangerous.

You went to the kitchen and waited for the machine to grind as the scent of coffee filled your heavy body. You drank too much, did too much. You still felt Peter’s hand between your legs. It made your chest tight and your head spin. You looked down at your body, the red dress wrinkled and askew.

You left the coffee to brew and retreated to your room. You tore off the dress and your panties. You pulled on a cotton shirt and loose pajama pants. You stormed back into the kitchen and shoved the clothing in the bin. You snatched your phone from the counter and swiped up the lock screen.

‘Sorry, I don’t think this is going to work out.’ You typed. Your hand shook as you hovered over send. You heard Halle’s door and you pressed your thumb down. You looked up at her before you pulled up the block option.

“How was your night?” She asked as she inhaled the aroma of your morning ritual.

“Eh, you know, another dead end,” you pushed your thumb down and the conversation disappeared. “Just not my type.”

“Really?” She whined. “He seemed so nice. And he liked you so much.”

You blackened your screen and placed your phone face down. “Well, you know, things don’t always turn out.” You shrugged and pulled out a mug, “You want some?”

“Are you at least going to tell me about it?” She pouted. “And yes, lots of sugar.”

You poured her coffee and handed her the sugar dish. You frowned at how much powder she scooped into her cup but it was her most endearing trait. She knew what she wanted and she didn’t care what anyone thought.

“Uh, well, it wasn’t anything special. He took me to a party but… I don’t know. What kind of first date is that? Take me somewhere I don’t know anyone…” You ran your finger around the rim of your cup. “Maybe when I was younger but now.”

“You sound like such an old lady,” she snickered, “Oh my god!” She stood straight, “Are we old?”

“I am, but you’ll always be young at heart, Hal,” you rolled your eyes.

“So you’re not going to try a second?” She prodded.

“I don’t think so,” you cradled your mug, “He… hasn’t even messaged me back.”

You hated lying but Halle had gotten you into this mess and you knew she’d harp on you for not even giving Peter a chance. But you had. He wasn’t what he seemed and you didn’t want to stick around and find out what exactly he was hiding.

“What?” She huffed. “Well, fuck him then.” She sipped from her coffee and her lips curved as she swallowed. “Wait, did you…”

“Hal, come on,” you snipped.

“Oh, fine, but you know, maybe if you got laid, you wouldn’t be so uptight.” She teased.

“Not this again,” you groaned and slid your phone off the counter. “You know what, I got work to do.”

“Uh huh,” she hummed as you turned to leave, “Work. When did you get so old and boring?”

“One of us had to,” you called back over your shoulder, “And we both know you’re never growing up.”

✨

Your phone was pleasantly still for the rest of the day. You felt a twinge of guilt having blocked Peter but then you recalled the men and their holsters. You found your mind drifting away from your work and your fingers hovered over the keyboard as you thought back.

The company he kept added to the uneasiness in your chest. Steve was friendly but arrogant. The way he looked at you, the way he spoke to you, what was it he introduced you as, “Peter’s girl”. And that man, Bucky. He didn’t seem too fond of Peter but the way he’d grinned at you, as if he knew something you didn’t. Well, he did, they all did. Your head stormed as you tried to figure out their secret.

You shook off the curdling paranoia and hunched as you squinted closer at your computer. You made yourself focus as you skimmed the tight font and added your suggestions in the margin. You sent off your edited draft as your stomach groaned; empty and churning from the acidic coffee.

You grabbed your phone and your mug as you stood. You checked the time. Almost noon. You grumbled and went back to the kitchen, thankfully empty as Halle had left for work an hour ago. You set your cup down and expanded your notifications. A single phone call from a private number and a new follower on your mostly empty Insta.

You opened the neglected app and hit the notification. The profile was emptier than yours. the profile pic was just black and there were no posts. The name gave you no hints as it was obviously generated by the site.

You went back and a comment popped up on the picture of your and Halle at last year's winter market. ‘Gorgeous, Princess.’ You read and reread the two words as you leaned against the counter. You bit your fingertips and went back to the mysterious profile. You hit ‘block’ and locked your phone.

Surely, he’d get the hint sooner or later. It was one date and the man seemed to have no trouble with women. He’d move on and you’d both forget about that off putting night. You just had to wait him out.

✨

A week rolled by as you kept yourself busy with your work. The phone calls stopped after the first day and you had no more peculiar alerts awaiting you. Your plan had worked. It wasn’t exactly the best; it was a bit cowardly, actually. Yet, knowing how Peter was and how ‘no’ seemed beyond his vocabulary, you had more faith in your evasion than his understanding.

As the weekend approached, Halle convinced you to come out with the girls. You had eluded those opportunities for the past year as you found yourself disillusioned and disinterested in the club scene. You felt as if you were aging out of it and seeing all those fresh-faced coeds assured you of it. Even so, the girls liked to dance and in their words, you need to ‘let loose’.

You couldn’t disagree. You had been on edge and the mounting emails in your inbox didn’t ease the stress of everything else.

With a pre-drink burning a whole in your stomach, you pulled on a pair of flats as your bag hung across your chest. You were comfortable but not stuffy in your tight jeans and the bright pink top with the criss-cross straps. You felt pretty good and the vodka made you optimistic.

You headed down to the street and caught a cab. The dread evaporated the closer you got and as you pulled up to the front of the flashing club, Molly and Desiree waved at your approach. The four of you joined the line as you searched out your ID.

“So,” Molly said, “Halle told us about your little date!”

“Date?” You blinked. “Oh, yeah, that didn’t pan out.”

“Of course,” Desiree scoffed, “That guy was so cute though.”

“Yeah, he was nice, but we just didn’t…”

“He’s ghosting her!” Halle interjected, “Didn’t even text the next day, ugh.”

Halle crossed her arms and you nodded. You weren’t going to correct her, you didn’t need the other two piling on about your dormant love life. You came out to have a good time, that’s what they promised you, and you didn’t want to think about the night that still stood so vividly in your mind.

As you stepped up to the bouncer, he barely looked at your card. You were almost offended as he waved you through and carded the next party more closely. You glanced around at your friends but they hardly seemed bothered. Well, only Halle had reached that big three-o with you, and the other two girls still had a year or two to go.

Madonna’s voice pumped from the speakers as you neared the bar. You looked around at the streaming lights and the bodies shadowed in the strobe. You were surprised you recognized the song and you nudged Desiree as she waited for Molly to order the first round.

“What’s up with the music?” You asked.

“It’s retro night! Duh! Just for you!” She giggled and you elbowed her harder.

Molly turned and passed out the plastic cups with their thin straws and you followed Halle to the low stage where the smoke machine billowed. You coughed at the taste of the fog and sucked on your straw. You began to sway as the other girls led the charge. You could help but be enlivened by the deep base and the energy all around.

As you danced, the girls yelled back and forth about their recent drama. Desiree’s date had been more successful than your own, Molly was certain she was in love with Charlie? You still didn’t know. And Halle was just riding the vibe.

You finished your drink and the other girls stacked their cups in yours before you crossed the stage to leave the garbage on the table just beside the platform.

You looked over at the bar, pondering another, and your eye was caught by a figure who seemed out of place. The cut of his suit, the way he leaned on hand on a stool, and the intense gaze sent in your direction startled you.

You blinked and stumbled over to the single step down to the floor. You pushed through the bodies, nearly tumbling as a tipsy guy crashed into you. You got to the bar and looked up and down it. Girls waved their hands to get the bar tender’s attention and guys sidled up to them.

Bucky was gone. It was him. Maybe the air was filled with smoke and the lights were flashing like a siren, but you were certain. Why was he there? How had he found you among the city? Among the reverie in that club? Why had he been watching you? And where had he gone?

You went to where you’d seen him and searched the perimeter of the bar. You went back through the club and slipped past those just getting in. You tapped on the bouncer’s shoulder and he grumbled before he turned and bent to hear you. “What is it?”

“Did you see a guy in a suit leave? Dark hair and--”

“There’s a lot of people here,” he shrugged you off.

You snarled and turned back. You got ahead of the flood of new arrivals and fought your way back to the three girls on the stage. As you walked up, Halle pouted and grabbed your elbow. “Boo, we thought you were getting another round.”

“No, no, I…” you squirmed and tried to get back into the rhythm, “I had to use the restroom.”

“Well, how about now? Wanna refill the tank?” She jibed.

“Uh, sure,” you picked at the purse. “Be right back.”

“Make mine a double,” Molly called after you. “Thanks.”

✨

Despite drowning yourself in alcohol, you barely slept and when you did, you were back in the club, staring at a man you never expected to see again. You wondered if maybe you’d imagined it or if Peter had sent him after you or if it was someone else and you were just tipsy and blind. Whatever it was, you couldn’t shake the foreboding that followed you into the next morning.

Your Saturday was painful and lazy. You spent your hangover on the couch and barely saw Halle as she cowered in the dim light of her room. You fell asleep there and dragged yourself to bed just before nine. You really were old, or at least, getting there.

Sunday slapped you in the face after another night of disjointed dreams. Peter and the room full of men, Bucky at the bar, and static in between. Responsibility called you from your mattress and you cleaned up and dressed for your weekly trip to the grocery store.

As you came out, Halle was glaring at her phone. “What’s up?” You asked as you shoved your wallet in your purse. “You coming to the store?”

“I got called in for one.” She pouted. “Tell me why I fucked that asshole?”

“Shit, Hal, I’m sorry. Well, I’ll just do the shop myself.” You frowned, “Let you get ready to deal with all that.”

“It’s all because he fucking texted me on Friday and drunk me decided to reply and then… urgh, why do I do this?”

“I don’t know why you’re asking me?” You grinned.

“Oh, please go before I throw this at you,” she shook her phone, “And don’t forget my oat milk.”

“Whole milk?” You asked as you slipped your shoes on, “Got it.”

“Don’t,” she warned.

“Alright, alright. Hopefully I catch you before you go,” you stood and grabbed your keys from the hook. “Have fun with Mr. Bossman.”

“Shut up,” she buried her head in her hands, “Oh my god!”

You tried not to laugh as you left. You felt bad for her as you didn’t know what you’d do in her situation. Looking for a new job had been her first thought but the market was never very good and the man who was driving her away, wasn’t exactly a shining reference.

You took your usual route to the grocer. You had your list on your phone and loaded your cart. You filled the reusable bags and set off for a very inconvenient subway ride home. Your arms screamed as you carried the load up your street and struggled to find your keys at the door. The elevator was too slow and you ended up hauling it all up the stairs. You were out of breath as you got to your apartment.

You turned the knob just a little and kicked open the door. You stomped in and dropped the bags. “So, I got your damn milk--” You stopped short as your voice collided with Halle’s. She was already dressed for work but her braids were still loose. She stood behind the couch as she talked to your unexpected visitor.

“Oh, there she is,” she said snappily, “I wouldn’t blame her for kicking you out but I’ll leave it up to her.” Halle turned to you, “Look who’s here. Only took him a week to come around.”

“Hal,” you said softly as you set the bags down. “What--” You lowered your voice, “Why’d you let him in?”

“So he can apologize to you,” she huffed loudly and passed you to close the door, “Don’t you worry, I still gotta finish getting ready so you have lots of time to hear him out.” She looked at him sharply.

“Really, it’s…” You gulped as you peeked over at Peter. He sat calmly in the chair as he watched you. “Yeah, okay.”

She marched into her room and as her door closed, you reluctantly approached the back of the couch where your roommate had just stood. You stared at Peter, uncertain what to say. You hadn’t been prepared for this; for him to be there in your apartment, your home.

“Peter,” you ran your hands over the couch cushions.

“You lie to everyone you know?” He asked. “As I recall, I’m not the one who’s been… ‘ghosting’, as your friend says.”

“I…” You shifted and picked at the seam, “Look, I told you it wasn’t going to work--”

“You barely gave me a chance. Gave us a chance,” he said as he pushed his legs apart. “That’s hardly fair.”

“Well, you know, I have work and it’s just not a good time for me right now.” You sniffed. “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, but--”

“Ha, princess, I don’t hurt so easy,” he smirked, “Why don’t you sit down and we can talk properly… finally.”

You scratched your brow and cleared your throat. “I don’t think we need to do that.”

Your voice trailed off as Halle opened her door again. She swept out and you waited as she scooped her purse off the counter and sidestepped the groceries still sat on the floor.

“Gotta go,” she sang, “I’ll see you after work.” She stopped by the door as she wiggled into her heels, “Let me know how you deal with… him.”

“See ya,” you said quietly and watched her go. You looked back at Peter slowly as he chuckled.

“What did you tell her about me?” He wondered.

“Nothing. Really.” You said. “I have your jacket. You want it back--”

“Sit,” he gestured to the couch. “We’ll worry about that later.”

“No. Peter, please. I’m just not interested, okay?”

“You seemed pretty interested in the car,” he purred, “Seemed real interested.”

“I…” You looked at the wall and squirmed. “I didn’t ask you to do that.”

“You were asking for it in that dress,” he intoned. “Now,” his movement drew your eye as he reached into his jacket, “I don’t like playing things like this.” He pulled the pistol from its holster and rested it on the arm of the chair, his hand firm on the handle. “Please, sit down. Let’s talk.”

You stared at the gun. Your blood burned hot and you felt blindly as you came around the couch and dropped down. Your eyes never left the muzzle. Would he use it on you?

“Oh, princess, don’t you worry, I’m just getting comfortable.” He taunted. “Now, I’ve been tryna figure out where I went wrong. I got you a pretty dress, I took you to a nice party, I fed you champagne, and I even gave you a little dessert,” he mused and his lip curled, “So I gotta confess I’m confused as you why you’ve been hiding from me.”

You were paralyzed. You clutched your knees and gritted your teeth. You didn’t know what to say. You’d convinced yourself that you’d never see him again. Your method was tried and trued, at least, when it was used against you.

“Don’t be afraid. You can tell me. I really would prefer the truth.” His finger slid along the short barrel as he spoke. “So?”

“I… Peter, I don’t think that we would, uh, work out. Look, I don’t like guns and…” Your lashes fluttered, “I don’t really know that I wanna be around someone who carries one. Not too mention, your friends--”

“My friends. Princess, your mine. They won’t touch you.” He raised his chin. “They’re not that bold.”

You were silent. Your heart pulsed loudly and you took a breath. You stood cautiously and crossed your arms. “Peter, we talked. I told you my reasons. I think you should… go.” You said as firmly as you could.

He laughed again. His cheek twitched and the smile fell away from his face. He rose slowly and turned his gun to tuck it away under his jacket. His eyes never left you as he did.

“You really want me to go?” He asked.

You nodded and held your breath. “Yes.”

He threw his hands out and clapped them against his pants. He shook his head and crossed the room. You turned to watch him as he passed and suddenly, you were thrust towards him. His hand was on the back of your neck as he pulled you against him. He held you tightly and you felt his gun poking through his jacket.

He grinned, his lips only an inch from yours. “I’m going, princess, but not without you.”

“Let go of me!” You struggled with him. “Get off!”

“Princess,” he warned as his fingers dug into your neck, “Settle down.”

“No, I told you to go.” You hissed as you grabbed his wrist. “Please.”

“Let’s get this straight,” he said, “You don’t tell me what to do. Even if it gets me hard.” He crushed his lips to your suddenly and you wrestled with him, your teeth grazing his lip before he pulled back sharply, barely escaping a bite. “You don’t wanna do that.”

His hand went to your chin and he looked you in the face. He rubbed his nose against yours and growled. You beat on his chest and he squeezed tighter.

“Shit, let’s not just rush out of here,” he released you, “You should get those away before they spoil.”

He stepped back and placed his hand on the front of his jacket, where his gun was hidden. You gaped at him and your eyes flitted to the door.

“Ah, don’t worry, we’ll be on our way soon enough,” he said, “So long as you hurry up.”

You swallowed and he moved with you as you went to the bags. He blocked the door as you pulled the straps apart and began to unpack shakily. You dropped a can and it rolled along the floor before he stopped it with his foot. He kicked it back and leaned an elbow on the door frame.

You picked it up with several other cans and went to the cupboard. You snapped the door closed as you felt around the drawer with your other hand. You heard a click and looked to Peter as he aimed his pistol at you. He tilted his head.

“Don’t do that,” he intoned as your hand lingered just inches from the knives inside the drawer.

You went back to the spread of groceries and tried to ignore him as you put everything in its place. As you bent to fill the crisper, he purred, a sizzly ‘princess’ under his breath. You finished up and packed the bags one into the other. You left them on the counter and again, he put his gun away.

“Princess, let me tell you something,” he gripped the door handle, “I don’t take that out without using it very often so don’t press my patience.” He turned the knob slowly, “I’ve waited on you long enough.”

✨

The car ride was tense and long. Peter drove you uptown and you watched out the window helplessly. You rubbed your palms together nervously as they dampened with sweat. He’d taken your phone when you reached for it. He tossed it and it was somewhere on the floor.

He drove past the condos and the walk-ups and continued on nearly the exact path he’d taken on the momentous night. Another grand house awaited you but you remained in the seat as Peter climbed out. He opened your door and still you didn’t move. He reached across you to unbuckle the seat belt and grabbed your arm. He jerked you out onto your feet and sighed.

“Peter,” you begged, “What’s going on? Please, you’re scaring me.”

“Princess, have I done you wrong?” He asked but you didn’t answer. “I won’t hurt you.”

“You’re hurting me right now,” you wriggled your arm and he shoved you ahead of him.

“In,” he demanded as you stumbled up the rounded steps. “Now.”

You opened the door and stepped inside. You crossed the marble floor of the foyer as he directed you from behind. He followed at a pace, close enough that you couldn’t flee. Even if you did, you wouldn’t make it far.

“Pete,” the voice startled you and you stopped at the bottom of the wide staircase. Bucky stood in a doorway to your left. His gaze moved from you to Peter and back again. “I didn’t realise you brought company.”

“You’re still here?” Peter snipped.

“Was I supposed to leave?” He sneered. “You got me and Steve running around and you’re gonna kick us to the curb.”

“You don’t look very busy to me,” Peter growled and neared to rest his hand on your lower back. He leaned in and whispered in your ear. “Upstairs, turn left, the room at the very end. I don’t like hide and seek, you got me?”

You nodded and looked at Bucky again. His mouth slanted knowingly and his tongue poked out for just a moment. You turned up the stairs and left Peter behind. You reached the top and listened for a moment to his muffled voice.

“You and Steve do your fucking job and leave me alone. Understand. I don’t want to be bothered.” Peter snarled.

“Oh, I wouldn’t wanna be interrupted either,” Bucky snickered. “Not with her.”

“Go,” Peter barked. “Now.”

“Ay, you might be Tony’s man but you still gotta watch yourself,” Bucky warned. “This little arrangement isn’t gonna last forever…”

You went to your left and to the door at the end, like he said. You entered and couldn’t help but gasp at the immense bedroom. The black and white decor was expertly matched in marbles and exotics woods, plush velvet and polished sconces. You couldn’t help but admire the luxury.

You didn’t close the door. You glanced around dumbly and stood in one spot as you feared you might break something. You wrung your hands as you heard the steady footsteps and you spun as Peter entered. He looked even more agitated as he cracked his knuckles.

“Sorry about that, Princess,” he said, “Now where were we?” His eyes roved the room as he thought, “Ah, yes, an apology.”

“Apology. I…”

“Should I close the door?” He raised a brow, “You’d be surprised how sound carries in here.”

You frowned and he laughed as he swung the door shut. He neared you and bit the tip of his tongue as he considered you. His brown eyes bore into you and you took a step back. He stayed near and caught your wrist. His other hand fumbled with his belt and he let out a slow breath through his nose.

“Princess, I’d love to treat you how you deserve but you gotta be good to me too.” He pulled on your arm and twisted as you tried to resist. You hissed and he pushed your hand against his crotch. “I don’t forgive easy but I’m sure you can change that.”

“Don’t... don’t make me do this,” you uttered.

“Oh, but princess, you did this,” he pressed your hand around his bulge. “You take care of me and I’ll do the same.”

You parted your lips to argue and he grabbed the back of your head. He kissed you roughly and guided your hand to the top of his boxers. He slid your fingers under the elastic and urged you on, wrapping your fingers around his dick with a groan.

He squeezed until you gripped him firmly. He led your hand up and down as he held you to him, his hot breath filling you as it picked up. He forced his tongue into your mouth and you clawed at his jacket as he kept your other hand around him. He parted from your mouth at last and pressed his cheek to yours.

“Keep going, princess,” he purred as he slowly withdrew his hand from around yours. “You don’t wanna use your hand, I might think of something else.”

You quivered and slid your hand up and down his length. He nuzzled your neck and nibbled as he moaned against your skin. You could only move your hand as you stood against him stunned and rigid. He gripped your waist as you felt him tense and he murmured hungrily.

“Oh, princess,” he breathed and pushed his pelvis against your hands as he came.

You felt the slick heat seep down your hand and slowed until he was breathless. He stilled your hand with his and carefully eased your hand from his pants. He stood straight and eyed your glistening fingers.

“Shit,” he swore as he caressed your cheek, “You made a mess of this suit.” He dropped his hand to the front of his pants as he smiled. He inhaled and pushed his shoulders back. “I forgive you, Princess.”

#peter parker #peter parker x reader #dark peter parker #dark!peter parker #fic #dark!fic #let me be your ruler #mob au #mafia au #au #mcu #marvel #series #spider-man #bucky barnes #steve rogers #tony stark

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everything-laito · 4 years ago

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hey,,, i've seen this controversial opinion about laito not being sexually assaulted by cordelia. . .as the only opinion of laito that matters, what are your thoughts on it? i know you've made some posts in the past about cordelia and laito's relationship, but i think that now would be a good time to i guess, remake a post or clarify your thoughts so people could follow along?? i hope you enjoy your day.

*proceeds to crack all my knuckles at once*

This isn't really my own "response" cuz oh boy I'm sick of this petty ass drama lmao. To begin, SKLDJF I'm very flattered that you hold my opinion in that high of regard! I'd say there's others that have interesting interpretations of him too though :) but again, thank you :') glad you enjoy what I have to say!

I know I've already kinda responded to this via a screenshot here, just to hold you––and others reading this––over. As much as this is a great time to talk about a how-to-analysis, I’ll still put that as a separate post eventually, but I still will go over the philosophy of truth and writings etc. But anyways, to answer your initial questions, they’re under the cut!

And no, I’m not specifically calling anyone out here. These are just issues with the fandom that I find as a whole, along with some extremists. Thus, I’m not going to be putting tags for people to easily find this post because I don’t want to be wound up in this drama––once again this is just more commentary on the fandom as a whole, which hopefully you can apply to people you find!

I have a lot of my own thoughts about Cordelia and Laito’s relationship here (just in case if people need it):

1. Goes over potential grooming of Laito, facts about Cordelia and what happened before she did stuff to Laito, and when did she rape Laito for the first time?

2. Stuff about incest and how any relationship out of a parental/child relationship is abuse even if it’s not penetrative sex, more incest stuff, and just more thoughts on their relationship

3. Neuroplasticity, trauma, Karlheinz, and isolation

4. What does sexual trauma look like? And some stuff on Laito’s facade

5. More stuff on his facade, and projection on Yui

6. My thoughts on Laito’s dark fate vampire ending + Conclusion

7. Answering some inbox stuff relating to Cordelia

Sure I realize I might be missing some stuff but that’s just my whole analysis on them. I’ll probably make some follow up posts eventually but I’m not sure when that will be.

But as for this analysis/ramble, I’ll divide it up into sections:

The issue of hypocrisy in the Dialovers fandom:

I- oh dear god. Ok, just saying, there’s a lot of people being like “oh I hate Cordelia because she was abusive” then ??? yo??? Why do you like the boys?? They’re abusive and we see more of them than Cordelia??? I just personally hate hypocrisy. However, it’s okay to hate Cordelia! It’s okay to love Cordelia! It’s okay to hate the boys and it’s okay to love the boys too. But recognizing that you don’t like one or the other just because “they’re abusive” is a fallacy at that point.

The reason why so many people hate Karlheinz/Cordelia/Beatrix/Christa/Richter (or at least start off hating them) is because they are written as the villains of the story! Karl’s the main villain, and the rest (including the diaboys and Yui) are kinda just tragically wound up in his plans. You sympathize more with the boys because you spend more time with them and watch them grow! It’s a whole “us vs them” situation. Since those people were awful to the boys/the boys hate them, you’re like “yeah they’re bad!” But the issue with the whole “us vs them” situation (as in real life) is that people tend to excuse the actions done by the “us” party.

Same thing goes with extreme Karl/Cordelia/Richter fans (I’ve never seen a hardcore Beatrix/Christa fan but they’re probably out there). Some hate the diaboys but love the people in that party. They’ve also done some shitty stuff too! Bro, even Yui has done some terrible stuff! But that’s because she was a product of the events she was thrown into––and same with everyone else.

Karl has been the mastermind of all this, and for me I don’t have any sympathy for him, mainly because we’re not shown anything to sympathize with (except that he just is tired of living but idk why he wants to create a whole new race like lmao science nerd ig, I feel that king). A lot of people like him for his looks, and I’m not saying that’s a bad thing––he’s a fictional character, objectify these characters however you want. This is more of a personal opinion of mine though. And maybe people do just sympathize with his outlook on life, that’s totally fine.

But since these characters are all attractive in their own regard, they all get the treatment of “pretty-boy” syndrome (Idek if that’s the exact name for it). Which is just the privilege pretty people get. But again, this is fictional, so it’s not necessarily important in this case. Bro I got into DL cuz of “ooga booga hot vampires” and stayed for the complex lore and characters (especially one complex character, wonder who that could be). I imagine most people got into DL because of that, or out of sheer curiosity.

Ok, I’m throwing out a lot of points but not really connecting them. Lemme give you an example: I don’t like Reiji. His character doesn’t vibe with me most of the time aside from the fact that he’s hilarious. But I just am very neutral/neutral-negative on his character. But I’m not like “oh cuz he’s mean/abusive” cuz LOL EVERYONES MEAN IN THIS GAME. Sure you can still say that, it’s just not a very strong claim. Hypocritical claims tend to be like that. Same with a lot of Yui haters. In this case, they’re more jealous that she’s there and not them, which I’ve explained a lot in this post about toxic femininity and Yui in the fandom etc. But it’s ok to just not like a character! It’s alright! I know someone who just doesn’t vibe with Subaru. She doesn’t know why, she just doesn’t vibe with him. There’s no need to defend it either. But the use of hypocrisy is my main issue, and I’ll get to that in the next section.

(There’s a really good post explaining this too but I cannot find it for the life of me. I think it was made by @/abottleofkarlheinz or @/the-madame21)

How opinions of fictional universes left unchecked can effect real life:

I’ve said this a little bit in that Dialover PSA post I’ve made about Yui that I linked a couple paragraphs ago. But the reasons why people say they hate Yui is concerning. If you don’t like Yui, that’s totally fine! Again you don’t need reasons to hate on a character or defend it. But if you do choose to defend those characters, make sure what you’re saying isn’t out of some other place in your heart. Let me explain.

In that “Yui PSA” post I made, I say how your attitudes in being critical of a fictional universe usually does reflect on who you are as a person, at least when you’re making certain claims. In that Yui post, I say that the hatred on Yui is a result of the “other girl” mentality. On top of that, it erases her experience as a survivor. Yes, this is a fictional character, but bringing that into real life can have some dire consequences if you don’t differentiate them. If you have the same attitude of Yui with other survivors if the “abuser is hot” then thaaaaaat’s so fucked up.

For example, there’s people who have crushes on real life serial killers! That- that’s absolutely disgusting! Those real people killed living people and effected so many lives and families. Dude I have fictional crushes on fictional serial killers, and that’s different, because it is a removed universe. It’s why I can still call myself a lesbian but still have crushes on fictional male characters, for a further example (and vice versa! I have straight friends who crush on fictional characters of their same gender! But that doesn’t make them any less straight. And no, I’m not erasing bi people here either, just clarifying in case if you needed that).

Not being able to differentiate your opinions of a fictional universe can get very toxic. Like I love Laito, but I’m not like “omg I wish he was real so he could do that stuff to me uwu” like no!!! UH!!! I wouldn’t want to date anyone like him in real life! That’s literal abuse! And if Laito was here in real life it’s not a controlled environment, he’d literally be able to do anything with you, etc. That’s what makes a fantasy, a fantasy. They’re controlled.

Also vice versa, some people get really triggered by Dialovers, specifically Laito’s route. A lot of non-consensual acts that he does have been experienced by people in real life in any extent, myself included. For me, it’s a personal escape from that, because it is an environment where I am prepared for those events and can control my exposure to it. For some, they are reminded of the reality they had to experience. Fictional universes are inspired by real life, no matter what way you look at it. Real life people are making it, after all.

I feel like I’m going in so many circles, but trust me, I’m getting to the point.

I- I can’t explain this enough but it is most definitely implied that Cordelia had raped and sexually abused Laito. If it was explicit, DL would be an 18+ game, but they cannot do that in Japan. I’m not going to like defend this point because so many people (myself included) have defended this point. It’s implications carry over into Laito’s character and why he’s like this. He’s a textbook sexual abuse survivor. I just,,,, cannot explain this enough. Same thing with overwriting the abuse of Yui. They get jealous of Yui. Sure I’d say a good chunk of people have ravishment fantasies here. At least the 18+ people in the fandom who are into that stuff. But oh my dear god, ravishment fantasies are super super dangerous to enact in real life. It’s possible to do them, but it would take years of building up to that point in kink. That’s a whole other discussion though and I’m not incredibly comfortable talking about it knowing that minors read my blog (I’ll also have to say here: no minors in kink--its alright to educate yourself but pleaaaaaaaaaase don’t enact on any of those activities until you are of age, and even so that still can be dangerous right as you turn 18).

But anyways, saying that Yui should enjoy this because she’s experienced the ravishment fantasy you’ve dreamed of? Oh fucking hell, if you leave that opinion and mentality unchecked and it goes into real life, that’s incredibly awful. Abuse apologists are absolutely terrible people, almost as much as the abusers themselves.

If you twist the narrative that Laito loves Cordelia or Yui loves the boys at the end of the first game, that’s still––ughhhhhhhh. Especially when it’s so obvious that Laito has so many mental issues with Cordelia. His whole monologue and breakdown at the end of Dark Fate definitely tells us that he has had such an issue with Cordelia. And MB+ Laito is still Laito. As for Yui, dude she literally goes through stockholm syndrome in the first game like it is so goddamn apparent idek how to explain this at this point.

Ok dear god lmao wow, uh I think that’s answering the first couple of questions?

The philosophy of truth:

“Truth” has been an incredibly debated topic in philosophy for years. Truth is more of a subjective item rather than objective. Sure you can have personal objective truths, but they may not be the same truths for others. For example, a tomato is red. However, that tomato is red to me, because I am not color blind. A red-green color blind person may see the tomato as being brown or more muted in color. That’s their truth. They can’t really imagine what red is (ok depending on severity of their color blindness), considering they have not experienced the color red in the same way people who don’t have color blindness do. God uh, here’s a whole ass essay about truth, I’m cherry picking some of the things in there that are relevant to this.

Basically what I’m saying is, truth is very subjective. However, there are philosophers arguing a more objective truth. But that’s a whole other discussion. Also, this isn’t to support any political opinion, but I can use that as an example. Let’s go for well... The death penalty. I’m in America, we have the death penalty in some states. Yes, this is a very controversial topic, and no I’m not arguing the ethics of it here. Just hear me out.

If you live in Europe for example (except in Belarus and Russia––ok when I looked it up they consider Russia in Europe and technically it is but also there’s the whole chunk that is not- lmao even the truth of geography can be subjective), you might be like “yeah what the fuck are Americans doing?” (a common sentiment that I also share lmao). But yeah, what the fuck are we doing? Why is the death penalty still in existence? Yes, there’s statistics that prove that it doesn’t deter crime, but even crime rates is caused by a lot of different things too. Even statistics aren’t always accurate, because of many different factors. They’re not objective either, although good statisticians try their best to get good results and not skew the data. (please try to see where your data is coming from and who it is sponsored by––it matters a TON)

I’d say the closest thing we have as an objective truth to argue the death penalty or not is money. Money, although the concept is subjective, is a very objective currency. It’s why artists hate “exposure” compared to “money” as sole currency. The death penalty is very expensive, and not even used that often.

So, although money is currency made by us, and is technically 75% linen and 25% cotton (in America at least) with some funky dudes n numbers printed on it, it doesn’t sound that special. However, it would be considered as a baseline of some type of “objective truth” in ~society~ because people are typically on the same page of what money’s worth. Even so, this baseline of truth is still subjective! If Bill Gates accidentally has a $20 bill fall out of his pocket, that’s nothing to him! But if someone who’s working very hard to make ends meet loses that same amount of money, it could deal a lot of financial damage to that person.

Ok, hopefully you guys kind of get my drift. There are a lot of theories of truth, I’m just explaining one (honestly I forget the name of this theory) because it is the closest to the types of truth we are dealing with. And in this case, it’s called “canon.”

What the fuck is analysis:

The concept of “canon” is the objective truth that we have when analyzing universes. They’re our bread and butter of interpretation and extrapolation. The art of analysis clings to this notion of an objective truth. It needs a baseline. I’m going off of Aristotle’s rhetorical triangle, because that type of analysis I have the most experience with.

This is called rhetorical analysis. Rhetoric is the use of words in a persuasive fashion, and the analysis part is a breakdown of how words are used in order to achieve persuasiveness. I don’t typically use a lot of explicit rhetorical analysis in my personal writings, but I guess a version of it. Which typically has to deal with intention and execution. A lot of analysis on language has to do with this. Language is incredibly subjective. Certain words carry individual meanings to people. I have gone over the difference between real and lexical definitions before, and I’ll do it again.

I’ll just copy and paste what I’ve said before here from this analysis:

To put it simply, lexical definitions are the definitions you find in the dictionary. This is an “official” and “agreed upon” definition. Real definitions (quite a misleading name in my opinion) is the definition that’s more kind of “felt” in a way and how you internally interpret the word in context (these can be through individuals or any niche group). What I mean by this is that when you say a word (for example) to convey a feeling, you usually won’t know the dictionary definition off the top of your head. You say that something’s “savage” for example when you want to describe something violent or gruesomely awesome (it depends if it’s in a slang context or not) but there’s many lexical definitions (and outdated lexical definitions) of the term. But the first definition that usually comes up is “adj (of an animal or force of nature) fierce, violent, and uncontrolled.”

But people typically don’t think of the lexical definition when they learn what a word means; they usually learn the context of it and apply it as such. And that’s what a “real” definition is. Laito has a differing definition of what affection and love is, and that’s his own meaning and what it means to him.

I’ll even add another example to that too. The word “cunt” in english refers to a vagina. That’s just it. It’s lexically synonymous with “vagina,” “pussy,” etc. However, “cunt” has a subjective meaning to it. This is where “real” definitions also come into play. Many people view the word as vulgar and dirty. And that’s cuz we live in a ~society~ lmao. Our use of language has shaped what this word means in a context outside of the dictionary. I’ll do you one more. The Japanese word マンコ (manko) is also vulgar slang that’s kind of like our word “cunt/pussy.” Sometimes I say “cunt” for jokes, but I don’t use it that often to begin with since it’s just a very strong word to most (albeit it’s not that strong of a word for me). However, マンコ is a strong word to many Japanese people, but if I hear it even though I’ve been learning Japanese, it doesn’t have that same effect as hearing “cunt” for me is (which still, idc if I really hear it depending on context) because I haven’t been shaped in a culture that uses Japanese.

Even so, tone, intention, and context is HUGE in this. If someone called me a “useless fucking cunt” when they’re angry at me, I’d be close to crying. If someone told that to me as a joke, I’d be like “lol yeah you right, bitchass” and if someone said that in a consensual sexual context, it would certainly tickle my masochistic heart.

DSLKFJ also sorry if you don’t like hearing that word, I just had to utilize a strong example for this. But anyways, now let’s change the lens to Dialovers.

No, it never explicitly says that Cordelia rapes Laito. It doesn’t. However, there’s this WACKY thing called being able to infer, reading between the lines, and identifying implications. Those are kind of all the same things. However, indirect exposition is used a lot in effective creative writing. The utilization of this type of exposition is more preferred when writing a story, because direct exposition is kind of referred to as “info-dumping” when used excessively. Forgive my jargon: this is just showing vs telling as we’re taught in every writing class. I’m personally very bad at it, which is why I stick to writing these, and stick to reading creative fiction. (NOT SAYING IF YOU’RE NOT GOOD AT THIS TO NOT CONTINUE TO PRACTICE CREATIVE FICTION, I JUST DONT HAVE THE CURRENT MOTIVATION TO GET GOOD AT IT)

Dialovers uses a LOOOOOT of showing. And even so, its “showing” ability is very minimal considering the Japanese language can be vague on its own, it’s medium (visual novel) does not show a lot of things explicitly most of the time (and even when it is shown it doesn’t convey a lot). There’s several CGs of Laito and Yui where it doesn’t show the amount of pain or the dire situation Yui’s in, compared to what she’s saying she’s going through.

When I made my whole breakdown on Laito’s HDB route from Yui’s perspective, I got several comments about how they didn’t realize how bad his route really was. That’s either because people might not have experience with verbal abuse themselves, can’t exactly see Yui’s body language except her head (and even so, her expressions are limited), or don’t know a lot of gaslighting/verbal abuse techniques/have done research into it. Honestly verbal abuse is kind of hard to realize, so I’m not calling anyone dumb here. Despite me knowing a lot of the signs, I didn’t know I went through it––and even so I’ve denied it. And that’s what is so effective about this game though! Especially Laito’s route! Because you’re also sucked in with limited knowledge because you’re seeing this through Yui’s perspective, and on top of that it’s isolating. You can only make so many choices, and I feel like Dialovers is perfect as a visual novel. You get caught up with a lot of shock value things that Laito says, which serves as a perfect distraction for your first time through. But anyways, I’m getting off track.

For example, many people found his Maniac 07 chapter to be very confusing. I broke that one down here as well, and even so I was confused at first (also I was like 14/15, dear god). It tells you SO little, but you know that Laito’s incredibly upset at Richter for some reason, and even so, Yui comments on it a little too. Laito is shown to still hate Richter in DF, but he talks about it a tad more.

Here’s a further example from my writings in that first part of the Cordelia/Laito analysis series but I have bolded the terms I use to convey this rhetoric:

There hasn’t been any flashbacks that specifically show us the first time that happened. However, I believe that there was a flashback in HDB that shows one of the first times. Here’s a scene from Laito’s Dark Epilogue:

Cordelia: ー Laito…Laito… Laito: …Hm? Is something the matter? Cordelia: I have a favor to ask. It just isn’t enough. You can do it, right Laito? Laito: You really are something…So that’s why you came to me again? Cordelia: Fufufu…That’s right, Laito. Come on, quickly… Laito: …Guess it can’t be helped. I’ll love you plenty. Cordelia: Aah…My cute Laito~ I love you. I really do. Laito: I can do it…right? Cordelia: Of course, Laito. Now, quickly…

First of all, ew. Second of all, Laito’s diction implies that this was maybe the second or third time this occurred. He asks a question, and ends it with “again.” We know by this that it is not the first time, but the question also means that Laito might not have expected to occur again. His tone also implies some surprise to it, at least in my ears. His other question, “I can do it, right?” screams hesitance to me. If this scene took place down the line, or after many times he did this with Cordelia, I don’t believe he’d be some level of surprised or hesitance.

That’s what rhetorical analysis is. You take the contextual meaning of the words, the tone they use, and extrapolate what they imply. On top of this, we know that the term “love” here is sexual, implying that they did something sexual. We are not given the details of this, but considering we know that Laito uses “love” before he rapes Yui in the game, we can infer that’s what happened (or something similar) to himself with Cordelia, considering he projects on Yui quite a bit.

I was going to go over what is good/bad analysis, but I think I’ve implied it anyways here. Utilizing separate information from different sources of canon in order to make sense of something is good analysis. That’s our objective truth: canon. I’m not saying I’m the best at analysis, but I am fairly confident in it. It’s how I’m able to attempt to answer some of your “how would Laito react” questions without it being specifically hinted in the game. You cannot cherry pick specific sentences and go off of that alone for analysis. It’s context. It’s reading tone. It’s knowing the characters attitudes towards things, how they speak, etc. There’s a lot going into analysis in general. I know I didn’t elaborate on Aristotle’s rhetorical triangle right now, but that’s for another date I suppose.

Oh dear god I hope I didn’t lose you guys, I know this is a lot of information, but if you have any questions/comments/clarifications, as always, please let me know!

Hope you enjoyed! -Corn

#analysis #ask corn

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astralaffairs · 4 years ago

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w/ midnight approaching i j wanna let yall know that this blog was genuinely the best part of my 2020. it's been a hellish year, but getting to meet & know writers like @deja-you (girl ur writing has a SPECIAL place in my heart istg. i know we don't talk much but ur presence on this site and on ur blog makes my life a lil brighter. even if the feeling isn't mutual i think of u as a good friend 💞❣) @daveeddiggsit (an actual ray of sunshine 🥺) @iknowthekoolaidflavor @wreakhavoconmacroissantdiggs @tinywhim & @biafbunny all of whose works ive been reading for as long as (or longer than) ive been writing for this fandom has been so incredible and heart warming <3 ur all such damn sweethearts and ilu

& then there have been the new mutuals that have popped up and brightened my life like @commandersmiley @braidedchallah @ramp-it-up & @moondustmemories @summerofsnowflakes @raiseaglasstothefourofus (i know we don't chat much but ilu all sm 🥺)

& @id-do-it-for-free-babe @peoniarose @ohsoverykeri-blog (idk where the hyphens go in ur url ill fix it later) & @cloudynblw

then there's @einfachniemand who literally hypes me more than ANYONE else and is probably the most supportive person on this entire goddamn site ❣💕 i would give u the world if i could but alas i do not have that kind of power

and @youunravelme whose asks and notifs MAKE MY ENTIRE LIFE. u don't even know and i can't explain bruh i get like 80% of my serotonin from getting notifs from u and hearing ur thoughts in my inbox. it's the absolute best. u have made my 2020 like 80% better. i can't emphasize this enough you make me so happy.

and maybe (just maybe) im abt to mention @tinywhim again who is absolutely the kindest most gracious person alive i swear 🥺 also she wrote my absolute outright favorite thom fic that i have ever read (and yes, i have read quite a number of them since 2016) and im now enamored w demon!thom

and ofc @the-lost-marauder 🥰🥰 as much as i adore every single one of my followers and mutuals, ur by far one of my favorite ppl to hear from on this site. your thanksgiving ball oneshot is still one of my favorite things to read on here and u have absolutely excellent energy. i feel like we'd probably vibe irl (also pls more secret relationship vp!thom content!!! pl ease !!!!!! i need it asap)

and yes im abt to mention @deja-you again bc she's such a fucking sweetheart. the literal embodiment of sunshine and cotton candy. idk what else there is to say here u just have the purest vibes i feel like ur the type of person to save a cat from a tree or have a bird land on ur shoulder. u just have that energy 🥺💫 then again you outright broke my heart w foreign affairs so idk i might have to retract all that 😤

& special s/o to @fentinatalin for having shitty taste in men. that's all.

jk jk ily natalie 🤧❣ have i ever told u that when u hmu on ig i almost didn't dm u back bc it gave me anxiety and i thought you'd think i was uncool on main??? anyway im glad i did hit u back bc ur a ridiculously excellent friend and i frequently forget ive only known u for a couple months???? i realized recently that ive picked up some of ur texting habits and idk how to feel abt it . anyway ily thanks for existing

also mega shoutout to @maniacmichele bc ik i haven't answered ur graph theory ask but that's bc ive been watching math yt videos to try and dissect it until i can figure out wtf it all means. ur smart as shit and i am in awe of ur math brain ty for taking the time to explain that graph theory thing bc i have spent literal hours nerding out over it

also to @marioverthere bc i know we don't talk much anymore (FUCK time zones) but meeting you and getting the chance to know u literally made me so happy (also ur the reason i started staying current w/ the hk protests so ty ao much for making me aware of that darling)

and to @softclowninghours for having THE PUREST energy. u probably give excellent hugs i can just feel it. i just know it.

and then all my anons w ur lil emojis and signatures, who i love and cherish -- i won't try to list all of u bc i WILL forget some and im not tryna do u like that but some honorable mentions:

🐥 anon, for being like half the reason i ever touch my draft of lobsterback (ur my motivation, inspiration, muse, etc. thanks honey)

🍬 anon, for being absolutely fucking adorable and an enormous sweetheart

🐺 anon, for being friendly as hell and also kinda fucking hilarious. ur asks always make me smile

💙🖤 anon, for being so so so damn kind and supportive all the fucking time (ily)

there are so many people and blogs and anons that have made an impression on me this year, so believe me when i say this is very, very, VERY incomplete; if we've ever talked, or you've sent me an ask, or you've ever interacted with my post, you deserve a spot up here so pls forgive me for having 3 neurons and not remembering to mention u as i hastily write this post

literally though i love and appreciate every single one of you so much. this sounds like a huge platitude but i don't know how else to say it because there are genuine thousands of u who id list if i had more time or energy. you're all excellent. thank you so much for being alive at the same time as me.

also s/o to disney and lin for releasing the obc tape bc fr thats the only reason this fandom came back to life

+ also HUGE shoutout to the person who venmoed me ten bucks for the fotp smut. i don't have ur tumblr @ since u sent everything on anon but yk who you are; your generosity means the world to me and i hope the smut lived up to ur hopes and expectations

++ also the anon who encouraged me to actually write my art museum au 😌❣ ik it isn't up yet but ive been loving it so much and i hope u like it when it drops

#have an absolutely excellent 2021 #you deserve it #you're all the reason ive stayed alive all thru 2020 #and im endlessly grateful #hzl talks #sending so much love 💞

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boomerang109 · 4 years ago

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*looks at my fic, which hasn’t been updated in 4 weeks (other than edits because i Didn’t Like It) and i’ve now driven myself into a horrible writers block immediately after outlining the entire thing possibly because i have outlined the entire thing and i forgot where i was going with this but am i sending it anyway yes i am please god tell me to write someone threw my motivation out the window and it’s all muddy now and i don wanna touch it oh god what even is that metaphor see what i mean about the writers block anyway ily cant wait for the next chapter of wwda get it out when you can don’t stress ily bye*

don’t tell me why my brain is like “yes we can answer this but we’ll combust if we look at any messages.” there’s no logic but i’ll get around to your messages and everyone else’s there. (to everyone waiting for like two sentence answers who’s seeing me post paragraphs, i’m sorry. the braincell does not function)

the way that i’m in YES! i can help! mode even tho i myself am lowkey in writer’s block which means i’m not qualified at all ajfhjghfgfdjghj

first of all: outlines are just to guide you. they stress me the fuck out too (which is why i’ve refused to put my wwda outline to paper, despite the fact that this means the timeline is absolutely fucked. like it’s in my brain, but if i put it on paper i’ll try to stick to it and i’ll freak out--see my month long break when i had an “outline” for chapter four). you can have goals for chapters (ie, lay groundwork for foreshadowing/character development/etc) but overall? just let yourself sit in front of the computer and vibe. don’t think about where you’re going, just think about where you are.

“i don wanna touch it oh god what even is that metaphor see what i mean about the writers block“ this? this is you judging yourself while you write and i don’t want to see ANY of that shit. writing is a process and editing is a thing, but when you’re doing your first draft you just gotta word vomit. sorry that’s a gross phrase but that’s what i do. and honestly? most of wwda is barely pieced together word vomit. idek why anyone likes it, but they do. and even if they didn’t--nothing would exist if you don’t put something to paper to start with.

apparently this advice doesn’t apply to everyone (i still can’t process @hella1975 ‘s writing technique like what the actual fuck) but for me one of the big things with writer’s block is starting where i want to start and just writing whatever fucking scenes i want. idk if that makes sense so i’ll put it into the context of wwda. so when i was still in my fucking intensive class i wasn’t writing cause i didn’t have time except for like a few minutes before bed at like 3am. now at 3am i’m not gonna write suki and azula being rivals cause i can barely handle that dynamic when i’m Focused. but at 3am i’m sad as fuck and i generally like to peruse the ao3 dadkoda tag, so instead i just wrote my own dadkoda scenes for much later (although they’re not actually that far off) in the fic. are they gonna need some editing cause i was just like ‘maximum angst even tho this scene is supposed to be about healing’? yes. yes i was. now the other day on the plane (when i really should’ve been working on an essay i didn’t end up finishing) i was like okay, i need to work on something actually relevant to chapter 12. but i’ve worked myself into a corner with my azula & iroh scene so i didn’t want to deal with that bullshit on two hours of sleep and also being called “miss” and other female terms in the airport got me all in the gender feels so i was like oh! i’ll write some more enby aang! and i wrote this like gorgeous passage or two on aang’s gender feels. and yeah, it probably makes no sense for aang cause i wrote it from a pov that was too much me and not enough aang, but the point still remains. i skipped to a part of the chapter that was important to me. and then i realized that aang could be having these thoughts in the context of another scene which led to . . . and there i was with somewhat of a complete thought for the chapter.

also along those lines, if you’re having writer’s block you gotta look at that block. what’s wrong? is there something wrong with the story up to this point? is there something you don’t like about where you’re going? is there something you really want to write that you’re not letting yourself write?

cause the thing is, we’re not professional authors. we’re fic writers. we do this for fun cause we love the characters. so if you’re not loving the characters for some reason, you shouldn’t force yourself. take the pressure off yourself. this fandom is so supportive, they’re not going to rush you (literally look at the fact that even as you say you’re excited for wwda you also tell me not to stress) and remember to apply that to yourself. it’s okay to need a break, whether that’s cause the vibes are off or cause you’re tired or any other reason.

i tried to write a bunch of different thoughts cause i know different things work for different people, i hope at least one of these ideas help. i literally haven’t looked at wwda even though i really want to be writing (and i still haven’t been reading fic). sometimes our brains just don’t cooperate. and yeah, i could sit here and yell at myself and go “what the fuck boom you’ve been looking forward to writing for literal weeks and now you have time and you’re doing other stuff what is wrong with you” and sometimes it’s really tempting to give into that. but the truth is i don’t usually do as much work as i did the past few weeks on as little sleep as i got so i’m really fucking tired. and so i’m giving myself a break. and i’m just not emotionally prepared to read fic cause--oh oops i hadn’t admitted to myself until right this second that i was avoiding fic cause i’m suppressing my feelings that kinda hurt wtf this wasn’t supposed to become therapy hour wtf. but as dumb as all that feels to put, i’m not gonna delete it cause i’m sure you’re gonna read it and say something along the lines of “it’s okay to rest and wait to read/write if that’s what you need!” cause you’re a nice person. so say those things to yourself IF that’s what you need. but if you’ve been sitting in bed for weeks and don’t have any reason not to write, maybe it’s time to word vomit. or if you have a problem with your story maybe you should look at that. just, do whatever works for you but be gentle with yourself. give yourself the same kindness you give others. whenever i’m not sure how to handle something (or how to treat myself ig), i’ll ask myself how i would give advice to a friend. so maybe try that. look at yourself, your writing process, your fic like it’s a friend’s and be like hmm. what would i recommend my friend do? and if weird rambley advice that probably displays my many years of therapy is helpful to you, then know my inbox (and my messages that i swear i’ll answer some day) are always open. i’m not gonna read this over cause i know if i do i’ll be too embarrassed to post so i’m just hoping it’s helpful. much love <3

#ask a boomerang #snakefarm tag #long post

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aroll765 · 5 years ago

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Covid-19 and Me

Welcome to my blog about Covid-19 and Me. I’m Amanda. and it’s nice of you to stop by. I hope you’re staying safe, well, and AT HOME. Fun fact I love to write so this is looooong blog but I wanted to describe as much as I could to help someone and remember this intense scary time in our World. The last few days have been a whirlwind. I’m honestly still trying to wrap my brain around it, I’ve been extremely calm yet to panic or be in fear, I’ve found my zen place and by some miracle have been able to stay there even when I feel myself slipping ( crazy right? The anxious drama queen is the most calm out of everyone) but others not so much. I would rather you pray or send amazing positive good vibes to my family and friends that are extremely worrie, despite then playing it cool to me, my empath skills can pick up on everything and I know they are not okay, so send those prayers and good positive calming vibes to them cuz I got this. Okay here goes I want to be as detail oriented as possible. So put on some music, grab a cocktail, and read. I’m writing this, as an awesome friend suggested, so I can let you know how getting Covid-19 is for me. What happened, my symptoms, the onset of everything, the process, and hopefully I can ease someone else’s fear, anxiety, or save their life. Even if I help one person, than to me I’ll swallow all my insecurities about sharing my journey and putting everything out their for the world and I know it”ll be worth it. I know I’ll have haters too, but let them hate. We only drive out negativity and hate with love. So, yes I honestly didn’t want to share anything. I know people will judge me. It’s a very private personal matter. I don’t want more people worried about me than need to be or cause more fear, panic, paranoia, or be judged honestly. But again even if this helps only one, then okay it’s worth it to me. This is extremely serious not only in our community, but we here in the United States are the leading number of cases in the world, and I believe we haven’t even seen the impact yet. So yes it’s serious and it needs to be taken as such. STAY HOME! Stay safe. Stay healthy. I did everything as I was supposed to and I still got it but that doesn’t mean you will. Monday I was in my feels and sent my best friends videos on why I loved them, what they mean to me, and just had to express it. It’s like my body and intuition already knew I had it, I just didn’t pick up on it. Weird, maybe, but I am a very emotional sensitive loving person so telling people what they mean to me is really not out of the norm but sending 3-5 minute long videos is. I believe I am so sick so I can help spread awareness and help others take it serious! So one thing you should know is when I get sick, I do it right. I get real sick. I’ve had tummy issues for over a week now, I knew a sinus infection was coming over last weekend, as I rarely get them in my maxillary sinuses, but with the weather changes I thought okay...here we go. Then I had a lingering migraine for days it comes and goes and it’s nothing like my normal ones. It’s on the top of my head and the back of my skull and it comes in waves or a constant pain. But no vision loss, sensitive to sound, just very odd and different but painful. Monday I was feeling yucky and couldn’t get my sinus rinses to go threw, could tell I was swollen, bit of a sore throat but pushed thru. Wednesday awful migraine and extreme sinus pressure. When I get sinus infections they are normally my upper sinuses not the ones in my cheeks, but not this one. I was struggling. Thursday I woke up and knew I was for real sick and something was a bit off. It was sinus infection and probably bronchitis cuz it had moved in my airways but what is this horrid punching pain feeling in my back? My chest was tight. Dry cough. Terrible sore throat. Fever ,I think I lost or broke mine and haven’t bought a new one, cuz I was warm to touch but freezing. Felt achey and overall rough...but I had not slept very much or well. Regardless, I know my body well and I called my Dr. she was available within 30 minutes to have an appointment over the phone! We talked and she said it could be my usual stuff (sinusitis/bronchitis or walking pneumonia) but I also had symptoms of covid-19 so I would need to be screened. My inhaler I was trying to use it but having difficulty because I would start to cough so bad. I couldn’t get a deep enough breath. I do have medicine for a nebulizer but not the machine. A coworker has offered to let me borrow one if I needed it a few weeks ago when we were planning for this, but if I have corona virus I wasn’t leaving my home and risking getting others sick. Plus, if I couldn’t breathe to get the inhaler how would I breathe with the machine. I didn’t want to risk leaving my home really so I didn’t. She recommended I also buy a thingy they put on your finger to monitor your oxygen/heart rate, but warned me I wouldn’t be able to find one. So to look online and invest in one for the future and also a nebulizer and gave me some great advice. I get this about two maybe three times a year so it’s a good investment. She said to try and keep using the inhaler but not push it and called me in medicine (steroid and zpack) and to do the screening for Covid-19. She told me what app to download and so I did and logged in, and did the virtual screening process, it’s kinda like FaceTime! Super easy and you talk to a nurse. We were chatting, I answered questions, she had me walk around my home, did a certain breathing test—-the goal is to get to 30 and I only got to 10, she said I need to put you on hold a minute and I’ll be right back. She was so sweet and kind and I thanked her for working just like I did my Dr. She came back and the dr she was talking to over the phone at the hospital wanted me to come to the hospital. The dr hung up and the nurse said do you want to come or ride it out at home? I was like wait, what? She said the dr wants you to come in because of your breathing she’s marked you as severe case. You can’t walk to your bathroom without getting out of breath, coughing, wheezing so it’s a concern. I said no no I want to stay home and she agreed that was best, and changed me to moderate. She told me she had spoke to someone before me that was much worse that also decided to ride it out at home and this person was much older. I was like okay. Cool. I said ya sure? She said yes I think it’s best I’ve been doing this for weeks and yes you’re not well but if I didn’t have it I would be subjecting myself to more germs while sick, and I’m more comfortable at home and can rest easier. She told me if I got worse or trouble breathing to call back and they would arrange with the ER my arrival, if there wasn’t time and I needed to call 911 I would have to tell them I failed the screening and have Covid-19 symptoms so they could prepare themselves. I said so wait, I have it? She said you have all but one symptom, vomiting. Which I had done with the migraine. So basically yes but they only do screening and tests are limited and sent me a note in the app inbox and told me what to do and self quarantine for 7 days. She said they are there whenever and to call back the virtual screening and talk to a nurse if I needed to. (The 7 days is if you’re in a home with anyone else you HAVE to be in an isolated room and bathroom so no one else can get it) you also need to stay away from pets. I asked her how? I explained my cat is my life and she said well just don’t let the animal eat after you. Ewww I don’t do that anyway. After 7 days you quarantine for the additional 14-21 days. This 7 day thing is very confusing to some. I called back later that night with more questions. That nurse answered my questions and said even if I had come in there was no guarantee I would have been tested. You’re only tested if admitted. Testing is for the medical staff and high risk patients but to call my Dr in the morning, saying I failed the screening I have all but one symptom, and they should give me the test. Okay. So finally drifted off to sleep around 5/6am. It was an awful night. But surpassingly I still had not freaked out, cried, panicked, or had anxiety or anything, I was more worried about my loved ones and how they were handling this. I wake up Friday and I feel even worse. Like a plane and a train have hit me and ran me over. The pain in my back is like bricks are now punching me, someone is laying on the back of my chest, my chest is so tight and I’m getting sharp pains in my back and chest randomly. Mainly left back around shoulder blade and right front chest area, I can’t smell anything, taste is off but occasionally I can taste, I am wheezing no matter what. I’m sneezing. My throat feels like sandpaper fire, it’s just rough. I couldn’t get a deep enough breathe yesterday for my inhaler to get down into my lungs and today was extremely painful I just coughed trying to breathe before doing it. Tried again and coughed so bad I was dizzy. But, positive thoughts positive mind so I try and fake out my parents and called them each and told them I was feeling okay and trying to downplay it, so they could stop worrying. They don’t need to worry cuz I’m fine. I’m totes fine, just the normal crud right. So I change jammies and get ready for work at home. Oh, sitting up is awful!!! I’m nausea and dizzy and wow this is bad. But I can work I got this. But first I call my Dr. I’m getting that test!!! My Dr is working from home today...but they are amazing at the office and she said she would get to the bottom of this and figure out what to do and get back to me. Yes, I thanked her for working. You’ll see this is a pattern. It’s hard to breathe, I’m in so much pain but I’m okay, I can do this I keep telling myself. But I honestly know I’m different than ”normal stuff”. I see the Dr office is calling back, it’s someone else. She starts talking to me and we’re talking and she says Amanda, I’m looking at your chart and you were screened yesterday? I said yes. I failed. She said failed? I said I have all but one symptom. She said I am going to call the on call Dr and call you right back! Don’t put your phone down. I’m like ohhhh I bet they found me a test hahaha sweet. She called back fast. She said you need to get to the ER right now. I said ummm what? No no. I’m riding this out at home. We talked yesterday the screening nurses it’s all worked out. She said no, you have to go right now to the er your symptoms are worse, you’re wheezing and chest is tight, this virus moves fast and you could die. Go now! I said uhhh what!? But are you calling or do I or do I call the screening nurses cuz they said I can’t just show up we have to alert the er, I’m starting to spin, she interrupts me and said there’s no time...it’s fine GO NOW! I’m referring you and we are your PCP Office and they referred you back to us so we are telling you go now, By golly I’ve never put a mask and shoes on so fast and driven to the er that fast in my life. I sent out texts to those who had been chatting with me, And I called my dad. I knew if I heard my mom I was going to breakdown. So I had to call my dad and told him as calmly as I could that I was en route to the er per the dr office telling me I had to go right now because the virus moves fast and he said okay glad you’re going and I’ll tell mom just go and keep us updated. You grabbed your phone charger right? I was like ummm no. Crap but I’m fully charged love you!!! Then my bestie called me as I was pulling in. I shouldn’t have answered but knew she was worried! But that’s when I got a little scared and started crying. She assured me I was in the best hands and it would be okay. But pulling into the hospital parking lot it was so empty, a police vehicle had one of the entrances blocked off, we chatted and I cried and we said I love you. I walked in. That was a difficult walk. I tried to be calm but it was hard to breathe. I just kept thinking this is the longest walk ever! It was surreal to be there. I entered through the ER department, per my drs office telling me to go in there. You’re greeted by a security guard wearing a mask. I said I have covid-19 symptoms and was told to get to the ER now, he said please go in. I said thank you for working! I got a mask when I was in the waiting room of the lobby answering questions and I was the only one in there. A lady was there when I walked in but left and I could tell she was scared and I stayed as far back as I could from absolutely anyone and everyone! I thanked those working! I had to answer many questions and I was so winding I squatted down. I didn’t want to touch or sit down anywhere in case I did have corona virus...but man standing is hard. The nurse was working as quickly as she could. I was nervous and couldn’t think straight. They gave me a mask immediately too and I put it on wrong. A nice male nurse came out to the lobby and fixed it for me and put it on correctly while wearing gloves and a mask. When the nice nurse asking me so many questions wheeled me back in the ER I was scared but she had a good positive energy around here. It helped ease my fear. I’ve never seen or heard the ER so quite and no one around. Their is a section for us potential corona people and my goodness they have it organized and down to nearly perfection, it’s impressive at IU HEALTH BMH!!! It’s also terrifying. But I remained in my zen place. Idk how but I did. So we turned the corner and you see the hallway lined with red carts of equipment outside each room. My group of nurses were waiting for me outside the room. Over the speakers they announce “incoming patient room 38” so they are ready for when you’re wheeled back! I heard this ALL. DAY. I got in the room and they shut the big sliding glass door and curtain and I had to put on a gown. Then a nurse came in fully covered. Face mask, gloves, gown, protective eye wear. I was just thankful it wasn’t a hazmat suit. I would have cried and fully went into a panic attackS He was in the room with me for a long time. Other nurses stood outside, my private window view room, and handed him things through the crack of the door from the cart or ran and got him whatever was needed. This is so nothing was set down or touched by me or anything of the matter, I assume, Even when he was done touching me or near me he’d sanitize the gloves before taking them off and the gown and throw it in the bin before leaving the room. An outside nurse would slide the door open for him to fit thru and he’d slide out and it would be closed again. It’s extremely important they don’t touch anything as they could easily spread it or get it themselves. Everything was done with such precision and teamwork!!! AMAZING! Always nurses in the hall so if someone was in a room with a patient and their team of nurses were helping someone else, they would yell hey anyone in the hall that could hand me____. They had great spirits and were and are superhero’s in my eyes. At one point a janitor was cleaning my window door and he waved to me and I waved back. He gave me thumbs up or down and I did a thumbs up and tried to smile. It was just sweet. You better believe anyone I came in contact with I thanked! They were each taken back by that because it’s their job but I just had to thank them for being our hero’s!!! One nurse I said thank you, she said you already thanked me I checked you in, I said well I just appreciate ya all so much. She said rain or shine it’s what we do, I love what I do so I’m here. It makes me want to cry thinking about. I first got an EKG which was handed to my nurse in the room thru the opening. Another nurse stood in the hallway and recorded all info. After it was over he sanitized it so well and handed it back out to her. Again, he was in the room with me quite some time...To lighten the mood I made him and I plan out if zombies would attack what are game plan would be. But then I’d get coughing and oxygen levels would drop so the fun would be over til I would try to make another joke, because humor was the only way from keeping me from crying, being terrified and panicking. He was laughing himself. I said humor is getting me thru, he said I love your positivity!! You’re so sick and yet you’re a beacon of light. I said no sir, you are. The Dr came in and was amaaaaaaazing! He explained they would be testing for pretty much everything because they want to rule out as much as they can. So hence the ekg, tons of blood work, blood pressure monitored, I was hooked up to machines to monitor my heart I guess, cuz I accidentally took it off and boy did it make a loud annoying sound, iv of fluids, monitored my oxygen ya know all that fun stuff. My nurse got my iv thingy done in 1 poke, that rarely happens so I knew I was in great hands! He took so much blood! I was just like ya going to leave any for me? Again with the jokes. Then I’d have to stop cuz I couldn’t breathe. Dr. Also came in pretty quickly as my nurse was still working and charting things. He was dressed the same. He was awesome as well!!! I said thank you, he said what? I said thank you for doing what you do and helping me. He said I haven’t done anything yet. I said you’re here and you’re a hero thank you. He said wow, well it’s my job and I love it of course. Thank you. He explained that they were testing for everything; heart issues, blood clots, blood tests, flu to make sure it wasn’t any of that since I do have covid-19 symptoms he wanted to rule out that anything else could be going on, especially with my sinus and bronchitis history. The flu is going around as well. He explained that a few weeks ago if you tested positive for the flu you didn’t have covid-19 but NOW people are testing positive for both the flu and covid-19. He said it’s ever changing and he just has to make sure and rule out everything else. I was extremely grateful for his thoroughness and ALLLLLL my questions. He made me feel calm and in good hands in the chaotic scary situation I’m in. He said the virus does move extremely fast and it was so important that I listened to my dr and got here as fast as I did. He asked if I had been around or in contact with anyone who had it or symptoms. I said no and explained I had only been out a few times for groceries, gas, medicine, groceries to survive for a month. I explained everything I did and said I was the most cautious. Hand sanitizer with me, mask, washed hands constantly, stripped and washed clothes in hot water ASAP if I came in from outside, Clorox wipes highly touched surfaces etc. he said “it’s spreading like wildfire” He left and my nurse continued doing his awesome thing. He had been in a similar situation overseas before so I’m like I got the winning nurse suckers! Muhahahaha. He did things like take my temp (only time I removed the mask when he was in there) blood pressure, started iv, administers pain meds and a fever reducer, moves my bed up so I wasn’t wheezing and coughing so much...I feel like a few more things but I kinda lost track. He finally left and I was alone. I had the nurses call button, and a phone right next to me. I literally just was sitting/laying there taking everything in trying to remember how it looked and felt. I saw nurses walk by, some run by, janitors, people pushing machines, others calmly walking, but everyone had a face mask on! Another nurse would be walking by and I’d wave and they’d smile and wave back. You could tell they were trying to make us feel a sense of calmness and peace during this scary time. I witness patients being brought in, not many but I’d hear “incoming patient room 32” and I thought dang it no neighbor for me. I had a room kinda across from me and it was dark. I was kinda hoping for someone else to be there so I wouldn’t feel so alone. My friends who I told I was in the ER were amazing and I was keeping them entertained and them me. I was texting my family updates constantly as well as my besties. I was snap chatting friends. Anything to keep my mind occupied because I knew I would go into a panic attack which would cause even more distress. This big machine came rolling down the hallway. She stopped in front of my gorgeous window view room and I could see her putting on a gown and gloves and preparing and I thought, oh crap what’s that. My oxygen was dropping cuz of my panic. So I went to my zen place. Oxygen back up. She came in and it was an X-RAY machine! Yeah! They bring it to you so I put my mask on before she entered. I mean you do not leave that room! I thanked her for working. Again confusion. She said no problem happy to help I love what I do. See a pattern? Oh I just want to hug these heroes of ours! So she put this thing on my back. Told me to hold still and breathe in deep, that didn’t go well so we had to try again and move me over and she got it that time. She said I’d have results within probably 30 minutes. I thanked her again. She did the same as everyone else. Sanitized the gloves. Took off her gown. Sanitized again. Took off the gloves and someone opened the door for her. Okay, Back to people watching. But it wasn’t very hopping in the hallway. I thought of myself as an animal in the zoo locked behind glass. I feel sorry for them. I started to drift off and then would wake myself up hacking. Dr came and asked if he could stand at the door and had it slightly cracked, he didn’t have protective gear on, only a mask and the glasses, and I said oh of course. He told me that my blood work was great, flu test was negative, my vitals are the best in the er. However he feels I do have sinus infection and bronchitis and X-rays show I have pneumonia on my left lower lung, and my right lung has inflammation, and I have Covid-19, as I have all the symptoms. I just stared at him. (Hear people yelling codes and chaos something about respitory...his face changed and he looked around and said brb) and took off running with a slew of other nurses...idk where they were hiding. Then a second later he was back in my doorway and apologized profusely I said dr no need it’s a crazy intense time! He said where were we yes ok so this is...I cut him off and said doctor you are sure it’s my left lung? My right lung feels like it’s the one with pneumonia cuz it’s hurting and my back left area is hurting and feels like I’m being punched with bricks and everything in my chest front and back feels twisted all up. He explained how and why that is. He explained everything in such great detail and was just phenomenal. I can’t explain it. Then I said wait, so I have Covid-19? I’m just trying to process it all. He said you’re extremely sick. I said it’s how I roll and he just kinda laughed and said you poor thing. He said yes I am diagnosing you as being positive for covid-19 because you have every symptom and pneumonia. However, I’m not admitting you because your vitals are the best in the er, your age, and you are a healthy person. I’m admitting those with cancer, the elderly, and those with respitory illness. The only way to be tested is to be admitted and I just can not admit you when your vitals are the best, he said look your oxygen is back up to 100. But I’m only sending you home under “extreme caution” meaning if you can’t breath or get worse you immediately come back to the ER and we will admit you! You have to stay hydrated, get plenty of rest and stay quarantined for 7 days. I told him how scared I am to go home and ride this out alone when my dr office said the virus moves so quick and I could die. He said I understand and that’s why you’re under extreme caution and if anything changes you are to come back and we admit you. I just can not in good conscience admit you when you’re a healthy, young person who’s vitals are the best in this hospital. Which I understood. I hope I’ve helped describe it in the best way possible from my experience. Now the symptoms and onset: Diarrhea was first for I think 7-10 days until the other symptoms started (I could be wrong on the amount of days) then about 4-5 days before it was sinus problems that kept getting worse and slight throat off and on, then about 3-4 days before it was headaches/migraines but not my normal type. So if you are a chronic migraine suffer it will feel different. 1 day before which would have been Wednesday the migraine was awful and had vomiting with that and continually just didn’t feel well, couldn’t eat. The day they said I probably have Covid-19 and to start as DAY 1, Thursday. Day 1: Thursday morning I woke up feeling awful and sick. I couldn’t breathe out of my nose, migraine but again different like on top of my head and bottom of skull, and would go away and come back, still tummy issues but NO vomiting, my throat hurt and uvula swollen, sharp back pain, chest tightness, dry cough, occasional chest pain, chills, I think I had a fever but not 100% sure, and achey. I knew I was sick, it was sinus infection for sure and felt like bronchitis but also it hurt worse than that. Maybe walking pneumonia? But I don’t remember the back pain being that bad before. Barley slept. Just too much pain and coughing and muscle aches increased, couldn’t get comfortable, everything just hurt. Day 2: Friday morning when I woke up after just a few short hours oh my! I felt like I had been hit by a plane and a train and backed up over too. The chest pain and back pain was almost unbearable. Sore throat was worse, bright red and uvula swollen, it felt like sandpaper on my throat when I was swallowing, I couldn’t smell anything, wheezing even just laying there not doing anything, muscle aches and cramps, I woke up drenched in sweat but was freezing and couldn’t get warm, tummy issues with nausea, couldn’t really taste much, sneezing, dizzy, and just awful feeling. I felt like I couldn’t catch a good breath either. But I was determined to ride it out at home. Then as you know I had to go to the er. After the er the meds and the antibiotics they gave me and fluids I not only felt better I sounded and looked better! (I either am pale or red face when sick and fever and I was going back and forth between the two depending on the time of day) by Friday night I sounded almost normal, no wheezing, and had color back in my face!!! But it took me nearly 4 hours to finish 32 ounces of Gatorade because of my nausea and sore throat. I Barley slept. Rough night indeed. My pain level in the er was about a 7 sometimes 8, last night at times it would go to a 10 but drop back down quickly and I was breathing okay so I stayed home. I will admit I have zero pain tolerance. I’m a baby. Just couldn’t sleep. Was coughing/hacking a lot. Just when your body is all achey and your chest is so tight and hurts and your back feels like bricks are constantly punching you it’s hard to sleep. Day 3: Saturday morning I woke up and got about 5-6 hours of sleep which I was excited about!! I wanted to go back to sleep but I know per my PCP I HAVE to drink 8 ounces of fluid every hour and I’m failing at this. And the er dr said it’s extremely important to stay hydrated so I was not allowing myself to go back to sleep til I got fluids in me. I called my parents to check in and knew mom would help hold me accountable to get liquids, food in me so I could take meds. You’re the best mommy! But oh my. I thought Friday morning was bad. Saturday morning I had everything I did the day before except wheezing! Yay! Well, until I stood up and walk a few steps. Wheezing, heavy breathing and hard to catch my breath. Also...Sooo dizzy. Almost fell over a few times. I have vertigo a lot with my migraines so I’m a pro balancer. Hehehe. And my head is just extreme pain today it’s top and middle of skull and been constant with extreme waves of pressure. But what was so different besides the extreme dizziness was the fatigue! You would think I ran a triathlon. I had to take breaks to get places in my house. Usually I’m zip zapping around in seconds with Bella chasing me. Today she was so confused. She also doesn’t leave my side when I’m sick and she’s been distancing herself so that’s been a lil strange. She still comes and checks on me but it’s not my usual kitty. They say to stay away from your pets so maybe she is picking up on something. Poor Bella boo. Okay sorry got side tracked. Literally no drama picking up a 32 ounce bottle of Gatorade was too heavy for me. Are you kidding? A week ago I was carrying a bag of 6 of them in one hand. Nausea comes and goes but I have no appetite. I don’t want to eat or drink, but I know I have too and I’m forcing myself liquids. I took a 3 hour nap this afternoon and I’m keeping myself elevated with multiple pillows to help with the congestion and coughing. The pain in my back and chest hurts, it’s constant pain and tightness and you can’t feel like you ever get a good deep breath. Day 4: Sunday I got a little bit more sleep (7 hours) and woke up feeling a little better. Not as fatigued. Headache but not migraine. Overnight was rough!!!! Saturday into Sunday I was in a lot of pain and couldn’t get a good breath. I found a video online of an ICU nurse that went viral about the cupping/patting technique. Someone is supposed to cup their hands and pat on your back, it breaks up the mucus. With covid-19 the mucus sticks to your lungs and you can’t breathe etc. my anxiety was like oh no this is why I can’t breathe well and I didn’t want to go to the er as I know they’ll admit me. Space is limited. I can ride this out. I want that for those that truly need it, that have husband and kids, that have a huge house full of people that they can’t isolate from, a Grandma, idk...I just it may sound silly to you but it’s how I feel. I can’t get over the er dr telling me I had the best vitals in the er when everyday you hear others are dying. So I threw myself up against a wall protecting my head and could feel the mucus come up as I was staring to choke a bit and cough! Woah! It works. It hurt extremely bad but it was working so I continued it. It wore me out so I’d take a break and do it again. It worked because I spit up some mucus. I started to realize what was happening...oh no. I’m really sick. I started getting emotional and text my bestie...golly I am extremely grateful for 3/4 am convos with my bestie who has a newborn because I was in a lot of pain, my breathing was hard, and just starting to realize the severity of what’s happening to me. Finally I drifted off to sleep. Again woke up feeling a bit better. My chest didn’t feel as tight, I felt more with it not so in a dream foggy state, but my left arm was a bit swollen hot to touch and had some red splotches. Hmm. What’s that about? Well, My parents, my living angels, dropped off Gatorade, tea, sugar soup, muffins, etc and it was just so amazing to wake up to those texts and that stuff on my front porch. I can’t emphasize enough, although they don’t tell me I KNOW they are having a hard time...they are so scared and feel absolutely helpless. I feel so bad for doing this to them. I was able to pick up the bag of Gatorade! Remember yesterday I couldn’t even lift 1 Gatorade-woah! This is exciting! I walked to the kitchen without having to take a break. Again exciting. But I was still so dizzy and almost fell. Thankfully the stove and cabinets caught me. I was like a pin ball all day slamming into things left and right and bouncing off them. Good lord. And it’s not like vertigo. It’s like you’re walking fine and then boom you’re in a door. Well how’d that happen. Bella found this amusing. She came out of isolation a bit today and hung out with me which was really nice to get some kitty cuddles. My cheeks still red so I’m pretty sure running a fever and still cold constantly. Throat feels a little better. Oh what’s that I’m hungry?! Yesss! One bite and I’m full. Dang. Still can’t taste or smell. And my nose is super stuffy. I drank hot tea which was amazing on my sore throat! And it helps break the mucus up. I did finally take a shower tonight!!!! I realized in the shower since I was standing I still have a broken toe. My poor body, it doesn’t know what to fix! I got completely fatigued during and after. But the steam and hot water felt so nice. I had to take multiple breaks just to finish and walk to my room like 5 steps away. I was spent!!! Also I started noticing later tonight my right side of my back is also in a lot of pain like my left. Yikes. I’m losing track of time. I thought it was like 2 pm and it was 5:30 pm. I thought it was like 9 and it was nearly midnight. I know I need more sleep. I did a little better today getting liquids down! Nausea care back. Had to call the er for some questions, they referred me to the virtual screening nurses, so I think this is going to be a nightly thing...on Thursday my breath test I got to 10. Tonight I got to 6/7 and that’s being generous it was more like a 5/6 But since I feel somewhat okay the nurse consulted with the dr and said I could be transferred to the on call Drs and pay or to call my dr in the morning and discuss with her my arm, as they noticed what I was seeing (swollen and red splotches) and it’s the opposite arm of iv, and also about my breathing. I decided to consult my dr in the am. As I was trying to sleep I got an intense sharp pain in my back on the left that had me in tears. It went away after about a minute. I hope I can work tomorrow but the dr wrote me off for two weeks. The best way to describe this for me, remember I have multiple things not just covid-19, is having a cold, the tummy flu, pneumonia, and mono all at once.

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lady-olive-oil · 6 years ago

Text

Work Out: Chapter 5

A/N: IT’S FINALLY HERE!!! It took me a while to get this out but it’s here. I’ll be on vacation next week and so I’ll be writing just not updating per-say. If you or anyone has experienced a loss of a child or family member, and you want to talk about it my inbox is always open. It’s chapter 5. That means it’s time for another project to be started. I have 4 started already and I am going to pick which one i like best to start typing chapters for. Which will most likely be Chris Evans x Roxie in So Into You. There’s one line in here that I asked to use from my good sis @madamslayyy and it’s in here. Let me know if you’d like to be tagged in future projects.

Warnings; child death, unprotected sex (wrap it up!), language

Word Count: 5,029 [my village knows this is was gonna be long]

Lil Nasties: @maddiestundentwritergaines || @themyscxiras || @crushed-pink-petals || @honeychicana || @dc41896 || @chaneajoyyy || @jojolu || @titty-teetee || @inlovewithmakeupcomicsanimelove || @ljstraightnochaser || @mimigemrose || @fumbling-fanfics || @amelatonin || @screamingdrago || @breddiefrooks || @ellixthea || @designerwriterchic || @destinio1

_____________

It was 3 am, dark and eerily quiet. Only the sound of my Sunter oscillating floor fan being on, and Florian’s occasionally snoring, could be heard. He took my offer on staying at my condo, instead of a hotel when he’d come to New York. Missing him from going back and forth from here to Munich, Germany, did some things to me. I never felt like this in a while about someone.

Only thing I could see in the dark from the moon, peaking through the window shades, was my big brown bear with an ‘I Wuv You’ pillow attached to it. Florian has shipped it to me from visiting his family.

He’s done something to brighten up my life, that I didn’t think needed to be brighten up. I couldn’t sleep. I could never sleep around 3 am and there’s a reason for that.

It had been a couple months or so, nearly in March now with the spring weather, and things were starting to look up a bit. That is until the gut wrenching moments with Jake happened. The bad memories came flooding back and the nightmares became worse, and worse. It came at least once or twice a month, but now they’re more frequent.

Around this same time I’d have the same recurring nightmare: me losing my baby girl at just 16 weeks. I let the dream play out this time. Normally I’d wake up in different scenes.

I was at work with a client and my phone rang to a news flash. Typical news about politics, and crazy folks. At the time time Jake and I weren’t on speaking terms due to his infidelity. I went home that day, around noon, to an infuriated Jake.

“Where the hell have you been?!” He yelled in my face,’I could smell the alcohol on his breath. This wasn’t the first time I say him this frustrated.

This time it was his job at a restaurant; he got fired, again. He always blames me for his misfortunes when I’ve been holding him up. I’ve been there for him time and time again.

“At work. Where else would a 3 ½ month pregnant lady be? I have bills to pay Jacob, and a baby to feed soon.” Apparently he didn’t like the hint of attitude in my voice, because the next thing I knew I was being thrown against a wall with force.

The wind was knocked out of me; my throat was sore from screaming and he was in my face.

“You know where you need to be at all times. You are MINE, and no one else’s.”

“We’re separated remember? Or did you forget?! Hey out of my face and out of my house now.” I pushed passed him, on my way upstairs, till I felt an even more powerful force push me down. I had landed on my stomach, the pain was too much to bear.

I froze in place, crying and praying to the heavens, hoping that my little Angelique would be alright.

“Geneva? Oh my god, please come on baby.” Jake was frantic, picking me up and taking me to the car. Making our way to the hospital I was in too much shock to love around.

Several hours later of being in the room, the doctor gave em the final verdict. It was too much damage to be done for my baby. I was stunned. Too traumatized to even move. The doctor gave us some time to ourselves, after the procedure was done.

Jake reaches out to touch my hand and I draw back from him.

“Don’t. Touch. Me.” I seethed through my teeth, not even glancing in his general direction. I could tell he grew impatient with me, by the way he yanked my head to face him.

“If you weren’t so disobedient, we’d have a baby soon. But you just had to defy me and get hurt. I thought you loved me, Geneva.”

“I do. But you make- you’re blaming this on me? You’re blaming the death of our baby on me?!” My anger surfaced as my parents walked through the door.

Jake was faster than they were, because he tried to choke me. His grip was too tight, my nails dig deep in his arms. Deep enough to draw blood. My dad was pulling him off, with my mother in tow. My vision grew dark, I couldn’t move again. All I could hear were my parents screaming for the doctors to come help. The nightmare ended.

I woke up screaming in the dark, causing Florian to wake up abruptly and be on the lookout. I felt bad for waking him up but I’m glad he did.

“Geneva? Is everything ok?” He held me close to his chest, as I cried in heavy sobs. I finally let the dream play out. I explained to him what my dream was, his rage about my ex increased ten fold.

Pulling me close to his chest even more, he mumbled something in German as she rocked me back and forth. He couldn’t fathom how any may would I ever lay his hands on a woman like that. Pregnant or not. He know his own mother would be livid if he went that route.

“I vow to this very day, he won’t come near you. I know you gave me the green light to rough him up, and I did, but I need full control Genevieve. I need to you give me full control, my love.” The sincerity in his voice was calming. It was as if he was sent from the gods to protect me. As he caressed my cheek, I kissed his hand on instinct, holding on to his hand.

Looking into his soft green eyes, the moonlight shining through the windowed curtains, making them glow with love. Upon resting my head on his, he snaked his arms around my waist.

“You made a promise to keep me safe and I believe you. So without question, I give you full control, Florian. Full, control.” Whispering against his lips, he smiled at me genuinely and held me close. He fell back against the fluffy pillows, taking me along with him. The still calmness made it easier for me to fall asleep next to him.

I think I’ll keep him a little while longer.

-The Next Day-

“Ain’t no way in hell! You can’t do that!”

“The hell I can’t. House rules cuzzo, house rules. Now draw your 4 and the color is red.”

“You ain’t right.”

Game night has been a tradition in my family for generations. To keep it alive, I had the crew come by my half finished apartment, along with the typical game night food. First game of the night was Uno. Not just any old game of Uno, it was Uno Flip. It brought out the worst in people but it was all in fun.

“Now she taught me this game last night, simply because it’s new, and even I knew she’d say ‘house rules.’ ” Florian was invited as well, why wouldn’t I invite the guy that I heard beat up my ex?

“You trained him well, sis. I like him.” Nefertiti, Winston’s girlfriend of 3 years, was always the insightful one of the group. She was always busy with her stylist job, but when she has time she comes back home and chill.

“Yeah but you still can’t do that. Cheater.” Mike mumbled under his breath, which earned him a smack upside his head by Johari.

My dog Dragon, my reddish-brown Pomsky, was asleep in his kennel in the laundry room. He loved it when Florian came over to visit, because he had someone big and strong to play with. He clearly loved the fact that I had someone too.

The vibes were perfect for a night in with no responsibilities. I was already out of the game so watching was always my forte. Joahri was looking at Florian and I, as I was snuggled into his side as he played the card game.

“So what are y’all exactly? Cause y’all for sure as hell, ain't friendship with benefits. Y’all emotions are too attached.” The question threw me off, because I started choking on my Seagram's Jamaican Me Crazy wine cooler. Johari was never one to hold back, and that’s what Mike loved about her.

Florian couldn’t help but chuckle and rub my back a little to calm me down.

“Uh well. We’ve just been hanging out lately. Enjoying each other’s company.” I looked to Florian to help.

“We like hanging out with each other. I enjoy her company and she enjoys mine. Why put a label on things?” He explained a bit further and the look on Jojo’s face was unwavering. She wasn’t falling for it at all. Heating the doorbell ring, we were saved by the bell.

“What he said, labels aren’t needed. Imma get the door.” What did I want? I wanted him but I couldn’t say it yet. Answering the door, Cynthia and John stepped in, along with Destiny and Ryan. Filling the room with more love.

Just by the look on Florian’s face and the tone of his voice from earlier, he seemed to want things to go further that what they were. I couldn’t tell.

Did I want things to go further? I’m still married to the asshole who won’t sign the papers. Maybe it is time for a new outlook on life.

-Florian’s POV-

Did I want Geneva to be mine? Did I want her to feel safe; secured, loved and wanted? Did I want her away from Jake anyway? Yes I did.

I didn’t want her to feel unwanted anymore. I can’t stand seeing her hurt anymore either. With all the stories I’ve heard about Jake, and how he’s mistreated her. I just knew I had to make things right for her.

While she was distracted with the girls in the kitchen, I had to ask the guys for some help with a very creative strategy.

“Guys, I need your help with something.” I was nervous to say the least. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before and I think it’s time I make my feelings known.

“What’s up? You need help asking Geneva to be your girl?” Mike went straight to the point.

“Oh you tryin to ask our sis to be your girl? This outta be good.” Ryan chuckled gently, glancing around the room real quick.

“Well since we’re playing games tonight, got anything in mind?” Winston asked curiously. I had never met Winston fully, just in brief passing with Mike at parties.

“How about scrabble? We each form a word for me ask, I’ll take the last word.” Letting the guys know my plan, they all were in agreement and helped set up the board.

The guys gathered the game up and set it up. I had a necklace in my hoodie pocket I was gonna give her tonight anyway. Now was the best time.

“What y’all up to?” Once I heard that angelic voice I had to move fast, giving every team their pieces.

“Just getting ready to play scrabble. We’re doing teams, so little mama come here.” The slight blush on her caused the whole group to chuckle, as I placed her on my lap on the floor.

“Team scrabble? Interesting. Alright I’ll play.”

-Geneva’s POV-

The game went on for about an hour or so. My ass was getting sore from sitting so long, so I had to get up to so I could stretch. Placing a kiss on Florian’s head, I made sure to give him some love.

“Y’all need anything while I’m up?” Making my way to the kitchen, I grabbed the empty plates and cups. Turning up the volume on the speaker a bit.

“A few beers and Seagrams. I’ll come with ya.” Johari got up to help me while the others continued to play the game.

“So what’s up with you and Florian? Foreal sis come on now. No games, no shade.” Leaning against the counter, sighed gently with a smile.

“I like him. We mesh well together and he’s great company. I do kinda wanna date him though, it’s only fair since Jake moves on.” I started biting my lip thinking of all the moments Florian and I have shared over the last few months.

“You should! It’s your time now. Plus he sounds like a keeper.” Johari was glancing back into the game from for some reason.

“Gege! Come on it’s your turn with Florian!”

“Coming! He is. We should get back to the game.” Grabbing the bottles, making our way back to the game, I snuggled back in Florian’s lap. He moved to the couch this time.

For some reason the room was more mellow than normal, and the girls were giddy. What was going on?

“Alright. Mike went; Winston went next, Ryan and John. Now it’s my turn.” Florian explained and kissed my cheek. I was too preoccupied with my phone.

My mom had texted me about graduation, and when it was. I kept forgetting to let the family know about the date and time. Florian took his turn and tapped my thigh to let me know.

“Alright guys we are all out of tiles. I’ll tally up the scores.” Grabbing the notepad and pen, I glanced at the board once or twice. I saw something and I didn’t know if I was reading it right.

The group was minding their own business, till I got their attention by reading everything out loud.

“ ‘Will you be my girlfriend?’ How did y’all- oh my god.” I immediately looked at Florian with tearful eyes and the group erupting in cheers.

“Couldn’t think of a better way to ask, with the blessing of your friends of course, and Mike. So Geneva, will you?” Florian’s soft voice pulled me in, as the sounds hushed around us.

All I could focus on was him and him alone. Holding his face in my hands; taking in his after rain scent and resting my forehead on his I knew I was home. With him I was always home.

“Yes. I’ll be your girl, Florian.” Kissing him with everything in me, he held me close to his hard body but he felt soft in my hands.

“Ahem. Y’all we got others games to play.” Mike cleared his throat, before having to pulling us apart.

“Sorry. Oh Geneva, turn around real quick.”

I did as instructed and felt cold metal hit my neck. Glancing down, I noticed my zodiac sign around my neck, shining in the light of the ceiling fan. He clamped it shut and turned me back around.

“Perfect fit. Alright now, let’s play.” Kissing me gently, Florian busted out Jenga.

-3 games and yelling matches later-

It’s an intense game of Jenga going on. It was my turn to go, and I was nervous as hell.

“Ok babe. You got this. Don’t be nervous.” A little encouragement from the new boo, made it even worse.

Pulling the block from middle, watching the tower lean for he left I got nervous and it all came tumbling down.

“In that rubble, lies our relationship.” The mocking hey joking tone of his voice, caused me to smile.

“Ok Kyle.” Patting his cheek gently, I was gifted with a gorgeous smile that he is never afraid to show. The smile that would put the stars on Egypt to shame.

His type of smile though, was like no other. His smile was so bright and happy; full of life and wonder. Like a kid in a candy store, or a kid on Christmas Day. His smile was truly contagious.

John nodded towards Florian, to grab his attention. “Hey Florian can I ask you something?”

“Sure. What’s up?” Draping his arm around my shoulder, drawing me closer.

“Seeing as though Jake fucked up everything for himself, I want you to be one of my groomsmen. I see how well you’ve been treating Geneva and I think you should walk down the aisle with her. You’ve gained a friend in me.” He paused a bit and did the typical bro handshake with him.

“You’ve gained a brother from Ryan and I. Welcome to the group man.”

The look on his face was priceless and full of pure excitement. He couldn’t have been happier to be included.

“I’d be honored John. I’d love to walk with Geneva.” I felt his lips on my forehead, making my body feel all all warm and inviting.

“Game over let’s do something else. Mortal Kombat anyone?” Breaking my concentration wasn’t ever easy, but Florian managed to do so.

“Sure. I’ll play. Not sure how to do so, but I can always learn from a great teacher.” Sending a wink in his direction, I grabbed the other controller for the PS4 and got into position so her could “teach me” how to play.

Everyone else was in their zone, minding their own business, as Florian was giving me the rundown on the game. Little did he know, my two brothers taught me how to play whenever I’d come home on the weekends from college. They prepared me for this moment.

“Ready, draga?”

“Bring it.”

Fifteen minutes into the the game, he was kicking my ass in both matches. Time to kick it into high gear. The gag is, I was just messing with him.

“I’m gonna change my character real quick. If that’s ok with you?” The gentle tone of my voice made that precious smile come back.

He shrugged. “That’s fine with me baby girl.”

Going through the character list, tuning out everything around me, I focused on my strategy. I found the right character.

“Jade. Let’s do this baby.” Pressing start on the controller, I maneuvered in my spot on the couch and started to annihilate Florian in this game.

“What the hell…” he was in shock and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Finish him!” The tv yelled through the Sony speakers, placed around the 75” flat screen.

With a sly smirk, and a burst of energy to leap up to squat on the couch, I caught the attention of our friends and they gathered around.

Michael got too excited, stomping his feet against the hardwood. “She’s gonna beat you bro.”

“Not by a long shot.” Florian gritted through his teeth, maneuvering the buttons on the controller.

“Final kill shot…”

“Nice try babe.” With one final move, Jade had sliced Raiden’s head clean off and stood proud with her staff.

“Fatality!” The room went silent, Florian dropped his controller in defeat and was wide eyed.

“How in the hell? I just taught you 5 min ago?” He looked at me in utter disarray.

I chuckled a bit. “No you didn’t.”

“Uh were you paying attention when I taught you earlier?” He was in straight disbelief and I was living for it.

“I was. But you forgot that I have two brothers that play this on the daily baby. I faked it, unlike other things.” Sending a wink in his direction, I got up to clean the rest of the plates.

As the party died down, our friends left for the night, I was left cleaning and Florian was messing with something in the house.

Next thing I know, I hear some Michael Jackson music and the adrenaline kicked in with me. Grooving to the beat to past the time, I felt his strong hands on my hips.

“Oh so I take it you’re feeling better after getting crushed?”

“You wound me Printesa. You wound me.”

Placing a kiss on his cheek, I moved my hips along with his to the funky beat of Pretty Young Thing. Truth be told he’s the first person I’ve danced with in my house. I never got to do a lot of things with Jake because he’d always be “busy” with work and it affected our relationship a lot.

I cherish the little moments I do get with Florian. When he’s away I find something to do, but it makes it all worth it in the end, when we meet back up in my hometown. The song shifted to a real old song that brought back memories and just felt right.

“Do you remember, when we fell in love. We were so young and innocent then.” He sung in my ear so elegantly, as he swayed with me in solitude and confinement.

I couldn’t help but sing back to him, doing a little spin turn, to have my back pressed against his chest.

“Do you remember, how it all began. It’s just seemed like heaven, so why did it then.”

His strong arms that were wrapped around me just right. I felt safe and secured in his embrace, I never wanted to leave. We continued to sing the song to each other, and gravity took us both towards my bedroom.

There was a glowing light illuminating from my room. The closer I got, the more the room came in visual and it was sight to behold.

It seems that when I was cleaning, he was setting this all up for us the whole time. I felt the tears on the edge of my eyes, one shed as I held my face together. Turning towards him I sniffled.

“Florian. What is all this for?”

He held my hand and guided me towards the grand king sized bed, that took up a good portion of space in the master bedroom. This condo was perfect in every way and I still have yet to call it my own.

“Well seeing as though we just started dating a few hours ago, 6 to be exact, I thought we’d consummate our relationship. By making love to my lady love.” We both looked into the mirror I had installed and just took in each other’s reflections.

He truly listened to me. It was rare to find a good man that listened. I was going to enjoy this by any means necessary. Changing the playlist to smooth jams, I faced him fully.

“You do listen to me. I’m glad you do.” I wrapped my arms around his neck.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer.

The music pulled us and guided us like a magnet. I took his black v-neck shirt off first, tracing the hard muscles with my nails with a featherlight touch. Our foreheads were touching, his hands were under the grey racerback I was wearing. My skin was on fire, but I loved every second of it.

Our lips were ghosting one another’s, a teasing game that only could be won by one. He gave in and smashed his lips against mine. Our lips moving in synchronization to the rhythm of our heartbeats, drawing me closer to him.

He broke the kiss for a split second, analyzing the room once again.

“Don’t need us both being poked with electric candles, now do we?” He set all the plastic candles on my dresser, then came back to me.

“No we don’t. But we do need less clothes.” Trying to be sexy, I slipped my tank top off. Only remaining clothing were my shorts; white lace bra and matching undies to hide my heated desire for the man standing in front of me.

I took it upon myself to slide off his basketball shorts, eyeing the man in front of me in all his naked glory.

“No boxers or briefs huh? You were thinking of getting lucky today weren’t you?” Kissing his chest softly, my hands gripped onto his ass tightly, gaining a moan from him.

In a blink of an eye, he yanks the rest of my clothes off, throws them somewhere in the room and made me jump up. Wrapping my legs around his waist, to continue the kiss, he laid us both on the bed.

“You’re the first woman I’ve ever gotten intimate with on this level. Face to face, pure and raw intensity. Just close.” He whispered in my ear hotly, as his fingers dragged along my curves. Making the room seem hotter than it already was.

“So far, you’re doing everything right.” In one hand I held the back of his neck while the other, yanked him by his chain around his neck, back to down to kiss me. His tongue fought for dominance with my own, a shaky moan erupted through my body once again.

The movement of his hips against mine were orgasmic and sensual. His weight on top of me, felt so delicious. I trusted him enough to not use a condom this time versus all the other times. Who knew that kissing could get you off.

“Geneva, do we-”

“No. I trust you. Remember what I told you? I trust you.” Nodding in more confirmation, I brushed my hips another time to get him inside me. I knew for a fact that I was not about to go to work in the morning and I didn’t care.

Smiling up at him, deep into his green-hazel speckled eyes, I saw a man that shown me so much love these past few months. A man who really cares for me deeply; physically, mentally and spiritually.

“Then I guess we can.” He captures my lips with his once again, lacing our fingers together above my head in an exultant feeling all over. My body overheated; I felt him rut against me, as I squeezed his fingers tight.

He broke the kiss to let me know to fully relax. I did so, and felt my velvet walls being stretched deliciously by by his hardened dick. I moaned sharply, arching my back off the black sheets, and dragged my nails up and down his back. We came once again just off of us humping each other.

My legs went back around his hips and constricted him like a python, egging him on even more to go faster. Letting out mini yells of his name along with multiple phrases in Romanian and German. His hands gripped my thighs tight.

“Lil Mama, come here.” He sat back, pulling out of me. I felt an emptiness, craving for him to be back inside me. He pulled me on to his lap, I sunk back down on instinct. I could tell he was chasing his 3 orgasm with me, so this next one was about to be ruthless.

The temperature increased; his hands hot and heavy on my hips, helping me rotate up and down. Forward and back, this time going with the rhythm of the music. I held the back of his head, gripping for dear life, resting my head on his as I went faster.

“Ah ah- fucking shit! Right there. Oh come on daddy.” I whined digging my nails deeper into his shoulder, feeling my 3rd orgasm coming faster. He looked me dead in my eyes and spoke with such dominance.

“Don’t call me daddy unless you trying to make me one.” Once he growled that against my lips, I purred back at him and caught his tongue with my lips, sucking gently. His eyes went big at how frisky the move was. I pushed him on his back, squeezing his dick inside me again and closing my eyes tight at the feeling of him. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes tight at the feeling.

I whispered against his lips, “If you play your cards right, maybe we can talk about kids. But I need a ring first.

“Only way I’d see it happening, baby girl.” One final kiss session, feeling the vibes again with one of my songs playing on my phone. Rolling my hips sinfully, leaning my head back and gripping my hair I gasped sharply.

“I’m so close…”

“I am too. Let go with me baby girl.” He leaned up, kissing my chest, sucking one of my nipples in his mouth and then moved his thumb against my clit. My orgasm erupted before his own.

I moved quick and fast to slide off him and take him in my mouth. He had to get off by the end of the night or I wouldn’t feel good about it. Tasting myself on his dick, made me wet all over again.

“Shit baby- goddamn.” He held the back of my head, I relaxed my jaw and used my tongue to my leverage. I had him whimpering like a little kid, and I loved it. Using one of my hands to get the rest of him in my mouth, I kissed his thighs a bit before going back at it.

He smacked my ass one good time, which made me moan around his throbbing dick. He released down my throat, I swallowed every drop and crawled back up his sweaty body. Kissing him gently, rubbing my nose with his.

“You smacked my ass like you own it.”

“I kinda do, draga. I kinda do.” He smirked at my gasp, as I hit him playfully.

Stretching a bit, I sat up and smiled at him.

“I trust you remember that ok?” I reminded him. He nodded sweetly and pulled me back down onto his chest. Which was heaving up and down a bit.

“Shower or sleep? Or both?” I traced shapes on his chest gently, hiking my leg over his.

“Both. I’ll even switch the sheets out. Plus I owe you in the morning.” Picking me up bridal style towards my master bathroom, I let out a sweet giggle.

“Definitely gonna need that cause I’m not into work tomorrow.” Loving the feel of the bow water on my body and my hair, I helped him wash his hair and he did mine.

After what seemed like hours, we were both dressed: the sheets were changed and the room was cooler. Falling asleep to his voice made it easier and the nightmares were gone.

“I could stay like this forever with you.” Is what I could’ve sworn I heard him say, but I was too deep into my sleep to pay attention. I couldn’t see myself with anyone else.

#florian munteanu fanfic #florian munteanu #florian x geneva #genevieve shaw #geneva shaw #floneva #sevyn streeter #work out chapter 5

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tellywoodtrash · 7 years ago

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status update:

So, I got a few friendly, good-natured asks on how I was doing, and what’s up with my life (work, Chandler, etc.), so I suppose this is as good a time to tell everyone: I quit my job earlier this week.

Early followers of the blog may be aware that this blog started as an attempt to find some kinda peace during some very trying times in my life. Since then, I’ve been burning the candle at both ends (I guess, in some kinda misguided attempt to move on with life) and... it’s finally caught up with me. I’m fucking exhausted and at a breaking point. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. ('Spiritually. Ecumenically. Grammatically.' Name that movie!) And so, I'm giving myself a break and am going to be taking some time off to focus on my mental health.

However, this hasn’t been an easy decision to make, as it means bye-bye financial independence and my ~~riproaring Sex And The City life (snort, NOT) and that I will now have to pack up my entire life and leave the country I (and Chandler!) call home. So the next few days will be even rougher; full of transition and second-guessing myself. But in the long run, I think I need to do this now before things get much worse.

Poor Chandler has no idea what’s coming up; that he’s about to be unceremoniously stuffed into a box and flown many thousand miles to a whole new country, with strange new smells and creatures (including my relatives who will want to come around every now and then and friendly-ly harass our socially anxious butts.) I just hope we both survive this move!

As for what it means for the blog, it’ll mostly be business as usual, I suppose. I will have more free time, but it’s going to be invested in moving, and settling in, and recovery (first I have to recover from the moving and settling in, and only then can I focus on *actual* recovery) so... I’ll do as much as I can. Yes, there's lots of new shows, most of them better than IB, and I might wanna watch them too, but.... idk, I don't seem to have it in me right now to get invested in a whole... new.... thing. We'll see once I'm properly settled into a restful routine where I don't feel so battered in the brain. On the plus side, moving to India means proper access to Hotstar and Sony Liv and alllllllll the platforms; I won’t have to jump through hoops and diddle around with VPNs to access what I wanna watch! Yaaaaaaay!

There are a few things blog-wise that I just have to address though, because they’re srsly stressing me out a lot lately:

Messages asking me to explain WHY stakeholders in the industry (actors, makers, the channel) make the decisions they do. Bhai main kahan un sab ke ghar ya boardroom mein ghussi baithi hoon, ki mujhe pakka pata hoga???? All I can do is speculate like the rest of you. Which is what I do. I look at the facts that I do have (social media posts, TRP reports, etc.) and put out MY theory. But it’s all it is. A theory. I do not have any kind of information that you also do not have access to. Asking me to explain the inner workings of complete strangers' minds is just nonsensical. I do not have the complete information based on which I can give you an accurate answer. So please just stop asking me these. At this point, idek why *I* do half the things I do, let alone have any surety of anyone else’s decisions.

Complaints. Look, all of us have complaints about the shitshow that is IB, and the Tellywood industry at large, and its affairs both off-screen and on-screen. But just think of my plight when news breaks/an episode airs and I get like 10 anons in an hour, most of which are filled with cribbing. OVER SOMETHING I DON’T HAVE ANY CONTROL. You have all the right to complain, sure, but not IN MY INBOX. I only publish about 30 - 40% of the asks that I actually do receive, and because of that you may think that you’re the only person sending in this to me; but trust that more often that not, you’re not. I most probably have already received least 5 messages about it, in varying degrees of negative, and it’s exhaaaaaausting for me to wade through it all.

"Asks” that are just STATEMENTS, with no real question to them. I get these and whether I agree with your statement or not, my only reaction is “.... haan, toh???” What really is the point of these? I have nothing to contribute to them. It’s just YOU deciding that your opinion is sooooooo important that you must come tell ME it. In my inbox. On anon. Which is not just stupid, but also RUDE af. What you're doing is the equivalent of going and ringing the doorbell of a stranger's house and monologuing in their face about a random topic when they open the door. Like, I literally did not ask?????? Especially since you’re on anon and I have absolutely no personal equation with you. By having an open inbox, I didn't consent to being the receptacle of every opinion wrt Tellywood under the sun. Like, the whole point of this blog is so I can shout MY dumbass opinions into the void that is the internet without bothering anyone else about things they might not care about/agree with. Anyone who follows/engages with me is here by THEIR choice. Why don’t you do the same? Go make your own blog, instead of using mine. There’s only place for one person here on this blog, and that’s me. Please read your messages before sending them and ask yourselves: Does my tone/content leave anything open for discussion? (FYI: Just putting a question mark at the end of a sentence does not make an engaging question that opens up a discussion.) What contribution am I inviting from the recipient with this message? If the answer is “no”/"nothing", then please don't send it.

The rise of combative and contrary asks; ones that don't come out of a genuine curiosity, but with the intent to mindlessly argue, talk in circles without a point and overall, and just belittle the opinions I’ve expressed by engaging in whataboutery. There's a point at which "healthy discussion" ends, and "debating" starts, and I’m not here to engage in Debate Hour. The open askbox (or replies function) is NOT an invitation to pick at ONE sentence of some post (often missing the context; those other sentences are there for a reason y'know) and demand explanations from me, for which I have to then bend over backwards to clarify to some random faceless person on the internet. Not only does it take tremendous amounts of time and energy (for what is largely a pointless endevour: these people aren't really here to have an exchange of ideas or even try to see my point of view, they're just trying to force THEIR contrary opinion ON me), it really sucks the joy out of the blog for me. Look, I am not an idiot. I can correlate writing patterns and associate them with previously seen comments/opinions and make educated guesses on who these may be coming from. I've been holding off on blocking anyone yet, but these comments and asks have me seriously considering it. (And FYI: blocking an anon blocks you via IP address. So don't think ki 'oh ho ho, I can just hide under the anon function, coz that has no consequences.' All you'd be doing is proving my guesses right, as to who is whom.) I don't WANT TO go to such extents, and want this still to be a place where people can approach me, but this gross disrespect of my time and boundaries is beginning to wear on me now. Before coming at me, please think to yourself if what you're saying is actually necessary. If it's just a passive-aggressive counter-argument to my opinion that's all conjecture/opinion (i. e. things without factual basis and based on feelings) then please; you're very welcome to whatever you believe, but I don't care. If I wanted your opinion, I’d ask for it. If I care for your opinion, I will engage with your posts (by liking or commenting or reblogging or sending you my love in your inbox.) I just really really don’t care what anyone's opinion ON MY OPINION is. Please stop being contrary just the sake of it and ruining my day and mood. Go chronicle your opinions on your blog/twitter/whatever, instead of using MY blog as a platform and arm-twisting me into participating in this unpleasant exchange. I just don't have have the energy or interest to engage in this fuckery anymore.

Look you guys, I love getting stuff in the askbox. I do. If I didn’t, I’d just have closed the askbox and called it a day. I’m just asking that you be a little THOUGHTFUL about the recipient, me, AS AN ACTUAL LIVING PERSON WITH FEELINGS AND A LIMITED AMOUNT OF ENERGY AND TIME, instead of some kinda faceless robot who just processes your messages in binary and spits out an answer. Before engaging, please re-read your message to consider your tone and content and the impact on the person on the other end. Despite this request, if you just decide to engage in the above mentioned ways, I’m sorry in advance if you end up getting blocked; but things have reached a point where I have to look out for myself, and my comfort, and what I want from this space. I would like this blog to be source of joy in my (and others’!) life, not something that I feel resentful about, or as a source of draining what little energy I have left.

Sooooooo, that’s how it is! Things should be the same around here barring some periods of inactivity occasionally due to moving/spotty internet (but the queue should be running anyway.) A lot less negativity and gloom, hopefully! Wish me (and Chandler!!!!!) luck and please send us all your good, restful, soft and fluffy vibes!

(The restful slumber of a poor fluffy bastard who has NOOOOOOOOO idea of what the next few weeks have in store for him.)

#status update

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briteboy · 7 years ago

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why is my bra size a G? Where is that even on the bra size spectrum?

honestly i’m not sure why i got this question but it made for a good cold open to this post didn’t it

Mother I’m having a really bad migraine please help I’ve been throwing up for hours now 😭

OH NO i’m sorry :[ that sucks so much. i’ve only had a migraine once and i’m pretty sure it was because i went to a palm reader who had some untrustworthy evil vibes going on omfg *googles ‘migraine remedies’* uhh uhuh leafy dark greens! a cold dark room! ice packs! i’m sorry i suck at this i will offer you one (1) hug instead

i dreamed last night that last august u sent me an ask with questions from an ask meme i hadn't reblogged and i responded really rudely and then in the present i got a notif for an ask and i looked it and it was actually the already answered ask u had sent me a year ago and i was like 'wtf when did i get this ask when did i answer it why was i so angry???' and i messaged u and was like 'i have no memory of this but im sorry for being such an ass idk why either man' and u were like :/ ok i guess

OMFG :/ ok i guess i apologize on dream me’s behalf for sending you questions u didn’t even reblog. maybe i was just really interested in ur hypothetical answers. it’s okay i forgive dream u for being rude. we’re best friends now in dream land

a half goat, half human is a satyr but I like goat boy more

yeah i’m dumb and realized this after i said it omg. it’s not my fault i’ve only seen the chronicles of narnia once

Could you release astropussy cc merch? 😂 i need it in my life

YES PROBABLY IN THE FUTURE!! it’s on my to-do list!

Do you have a link to the beginning of ur story? Thx

the amount of times i’ve answered this, i just. asjkdfj lmao. it’s on my faq and also at the top of my blog, if you’re on mobile just look at the tags on my post and the general rule is that you can go to that tag and put in /chrono and it’ll go to the beginning. here

Do you follow any astrology blogs??

hmmmm i used to, but i’ve fallen out of touch with that area of tumblr. i still trust @astrologymarina with my life tho

hit me with that astrology shit ! gimme references, everything!

Yo my main squeeze! I’m doing a PowerPoint bout astrology, could u give me some sweet info?

(two different anons, same answer) AHHH *sweats* tbh i learned everything i know from observing my own chart (find yours here), acknowledging the traits of each sign and applying to people i know, then reading up on the planets and houses, and honestly...just exploring the tumblr astrology tag and following the rabbit hole down a twisted web of different astrology blogs. if you start with marina up there ^^ you can probably find a lot of sweet info and other blogs as well.

Hello mother, could you teach me about all the astrology stuff you’re always talking about? Like the birth charts and the planets etc. I find it v interesting but I can’t understand shit bc English is not even near my native language. Help. I’m so very lost lmao

ah well firstly check out the links above ^^ i would personally explain everything but 1) i’m bad at that and 2) ain’t nobody got time 4 dat honestly cafe astrology is a good starting point for beginners, they have everything on that website! if you need any specific sort of help with understanding it, feel free to message me off anon!

i think i finally figured out the birthchart thing?? really cool and very defining for a lot of elements of character design. i'm a aquarius sun, scorpio moon, and taurus rising -- i'm ready to be judged - sirius anon

right!! it’s like a main priority for me in character building! ohoooo that combo is very interesting, because i feel like aquarius and scorpio are not really compatible, in that aquarius influence can make you very distant and unwilling to address your emotions and their importance, but your moon (which controls your emotions) is SO preoccupied with exactly that, which might exacerbate that scorpio intensity because you feel that constant pull between hiding and revealing your true emotions. but then taurus rising kind of balances it out and makes you at least appear to be level headed? so even if you’re suffering on the inside at least people think u got it all together.

i.... i feel like your inbox is now bombarded w/ zodiac related questions.... so i sorta feel bad for dropping this on u but im doing it anyway hehe ok so: sagittarius sun and rising, cancer moon

it is and my wrist is killing me all of a sudden but i do this for u guys because it makes me so happy that u even care oh wow, that’s an interesting combo!! it’s actually one of those combos that like...it never crosses your mind, but now that you think about it, they actually go really well together. sagittarius is the most calm of the fire signs, so it actually might pair well with emotional and highly intuitive cancer. your inclinations are probably pretty bold and outgoing, but then you might think about them for too long and develop a fear of going through with them. in that way your emotional side kinda holds you back, but you should learn to trust your gut instincts!!

Uhhh can you also do my birthchart? I know nothing about astrology and you're a godess in this topic! I'm Scorpio Sun, Pisces Moon, Pisces Rising

OMFG A GODDESS well i’m just ok, i try ooh boy you’re watery alright!! wow you’re probably dreamy as f*ck, but also moody as f*ck, highly and acutely aware of everything at once, otherworldly, always living inside your head but wanting to get out and experience things with everyone else, always wondering about the mysteries of life and the weird questions no one ever wants to answer. you understand things more deeply than anyone around you, and you probably don’t even realize how strong and adaptable you are!!

Ahhh are you still doing horoscopes? If so can you do mine? I’m Aries sun, Sagittarius moon and libra rising. I’m overwhelmed with how to read these things! Thank you and hope you’re having a good day 😘

hello finally i am answering your question! sorry i just get overwhelmed when i get a lot of these lmao this is an awesome combo!!! sag + libra is always so good and then aries + libra are opposites/sister signs which makes for an interesting dichotomy. i’m actually an aries sun/sag moon as well, so i know this combo very well lmao. you might come off as very calm and appealing (dat libra charm tho) and then when people get closer to you you reveal your optimistic, perseverant and passionate nature. these signs are very harmonious together, you’re probably like the calmer version of me lmao. you might be pretty rational but then your sun makes you want to be more impulsive. it’s good to listen to it sometimes...but not all the time. aries is a child don’t trust him too much

hey sunny! i know you're probably stressed out by all these so feel free to skip this one, but i'm a virgo sun/capricorn moon/cancer rising! idk if i fit in a lot of the virgo stereotypes though but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

o0o0o0o0o so many sister signs i swear heheh, it’s good though, i like this combo! i feel like you can’t really go wrong with virgo/cap because they’re both earth signs. cap/cancer are opposites so your cancer rising might make you come off as very sweet, soft and emotional, but your moon says otherwise. people probably underestimate you a lot, but underneath your exterior you’ve got a guarded heart and you can’t be pushed around easily. though your virgo and cancer influence might invite people to walk all over you, you are stronger than you know.

Hi! Just felt like letting you know that there's this song called "Red Bottom Sky" by Yung Lean and it always reminds me of Santi every time I hear it.

hello! omg i love these messages, it makes me so giddy when people relate songs to my characters ;-; i’m listening to it right now and this is definitely something he would like lmao. it’s so calming somehow i wanna live in this beat

when i saw the title for lou’s story i immediately thought of the group choker lmao. you should check them out el dorado is my fav song

omg i actually think i’ve heard of this group before!! i’m digging these song suggestions, i like this one a lot! watch me put their songs in this story now lmao

#nonsims #saviorhide #anonymous #sunny answers

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punkscowardschampions · 6 years ago

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Buster & Rio

Buster: Talk to me Buster: Please Rio: I'm busy Buster: Alright. I'm not gonna be all in your face then Buster: But I'm sorry Buster: That's all I wanted to say Rio: Okay Rio: Thanks Rio: How is she then? Buster: You were right Buster: Can we talk later when you're not busy? Rio: Well, the 'I told you so' don't feel that good Rio: if it's any consolation Buster: I'm not about to take that as a victory, like, don't worry Rio: You do whatever you want Buster Rio: I'm good Buster: Babe Buster: Come on Buster: Do whatever you want, but don't lie to me Rio: Well Rio: I will be soon anyway Buster: What does that mean? Rio: That I'm going out Rio: to have fun Buster: Where are you going? I'll come meet you Rio: No Rio: Don't Rio: You've got to stay in with your sister anyway Buster: I've got to fix things with you too though Buster: I get that you're mad but just let me Rio: I don't wanna talk yet Rio: Later Buster: So you wanna wait until you're drunk, yeah? Rio: Not an amatuer, babe Buster: Whatever Buster: I'll talk to you later then Rio: [Later enough that drugs have been purchased and taken] Rio: What you wanna say then boy? Buster: Do you actually wanna hear it now? Buster: We can do this tomorrow Rio: S'why I asked Buster: What can I do so you'll forgive me? Rio: Hmm Rio: Let me think Buster: I reckoned that's what you'd been doing Buster: But alright Rio: I told you I've been busy Rio: and I told you I'm not obsessed with you Rio: I have a life too you know Buster: Okay Rio: Stop thinking that Rio: that's a start Buster: I don't Rio: and stop taking for granted that I'll stay Rio: just because I love you Rio: it doesn't mean you get to treat me like shit, or put everyone else before me Buster: Babe, I'm sorry if that's what you think Buster: Nobody comes before you Buster: I didn't mean to hurt you and it's shitty that I did Buster: But you're so important to me, you know Rio: I just Rio: The baby does like, but that doesn't mean she does Rio: it ain't the same thing, I want you to know 'cos she'll milk that for all it's worth and you wouldn't listen to me Buster: I know Buster: But I genuinely was worried about the baby, not her Buster: Lesson learned, like Buster: I should've listened to you Rio: I don't want her to take advantage of you any more than she already has Buster: It's not gonna happen Buster: I'll be surprised if she even talks to me again any time soon after how that convo went Rio: Is she mad Buster: I don't care Rio: Yeah Rio: Me either Buster: Are you mad? Rio: No doubt I'll get over it Buster: Let me help you Buster: Whatever you want Rio: I'm sorted Rio: I just got back from picking up Buster: So you're with Indie Rio: No Rio: She's at one of her mates Buster: Who are you with then? Rio: Party of one now Rio: Which is a shame Buster: I'll pick you up Buster: Are you back at the flat? Rio: You're not having any of my drugs Rio: we took most of it anyway Buster: I never said I wanted any Buster: So what, you wanna be on your own? Rio: I don't know Rio: I thought she'd be her Rio: e Buster: Call her Buster: She'll come back Rio: No Rio: Dramatic Buster: I'll do it then Buster: She knows I am Rio: Don't Rio: or Imma make you grovel again Buster: Tell me what you do what me to do then Buster: want* Buster: I can take you home or bring you here Buster: Or we can just keep talking Rio: I'm honestly fine Rio: I didn't wanna talk but you've ruined it Buster: I'll go then Rio: I'm meant to be shocked? Dick Buster: If you don't wanna talk to me and I've ruined your night I'm not just gonna sit here with this inbox open Rio: Then don't Rio: See if I care Buster: Stop it Buster: I know you care Buster: So do I Rio: Well sometimes I wish I didn't Buster: If you can stop, go ahead Buster: I can't Rio: Of course I fucking can't Buster: Then talk to me Buster: What's the fucking point of this? Rio: I can't because you'll be angry Rio: today is piling shit ontop of shit Rio: let's just stop Buster: Why would I be angry? I'm the one that fucked up Buster: You were right, I told you Rio: Yeah well, ditto, babe Buster: What do you mean? You're just high that's hardly the end of the world, babe Rio: It could've been so much more Rio: it would've been so easy Buster: Tell me what happened Rio: Where'd you think I got the drugs from Rio: Who Buster: What the fuck did he do Rio: Nothing no Rio: I think it was me, I text him Rio: but he was really nice about it and nothing actually happened he drove me back Buster: You text him 'cause you wanted drugs and then what? Buster: Did he take them with you? Rio: well yeah Rio: but I didn't pay so fair right Buster: You didn't pay anything? Rio: nope Rio: i offered but Buster: What did he say when you offered? Rio: yeah you know how it goes, it was just a joke Rio: banter Buster: Bullshit Buster: We've been here before, remember Buster: What did he say, Rio Rio: Don't Rio: It's so embarrassing to repeat and you know Buster: I'm gonna kill him Buster: Where is he? Rio: Buster stop Rio: It wasn't like that we we're hanging out, joking Buster: Not this time Buster: He needs to stop Buster: It's a joke until it isn't, babe Buster: Next time what do you think it'll be like Rio: There won't be a next time, I'm not like that Buster: You're not the one who's done anything wrong Buster: He's a drug dealer, you wanted to buy drugs Rio: Neither has he, nothing even happened properly Buster: Nothing should come close to happening Buster: He's having a baby with my fucking aunt Buster: And that's not even the only reason why this is fucked Rio: Exactly so don't do anything or everyone will find out Rio: it was my fault, I was giving off a weird vibe Buster: They need to Buster: How many times is he gonna ruin shit for this family, Jesus Christ Rio: Nothing's ruined Rio: don't tell, please Buster: I'm going to find him Buster: Nance will understand Rio: Don't Rio: How can I convince you this isn't a big deal, come on Buster: I'm not gonna tell anyone I'm just gonna hurt him Buster: Don't worry about it Rio: Buster, stop Rio: Please listen to me Rio: we'll be the ones who ruin everything if you do, not only with Ro and my parents and Edie and Indie Rio: but he knows about us remember, 'cos he does Buster: I don't care about that Buster: This is more important Rio: What about what I want Rio: doesn't that matter at all Buster: Of course it does Buster: Please, just don't stop me again, okay Rio: It's not going to make you feel any better Buster: Yes it will Buster: And if it means he leaves you alone it'll make you feel better too Rio: What if I wanted it to happen Buster: What? Rio: Well maybe I wanted to do it, you can't do this then Rio: right Buster: Don't say that Buster: Of course you didn't Rio: Just don't, yeah Buster: Tell me that you didn't want that Rio: Nothing happened Rio: If I wanted, something would have Rio: but that's my point, it was nothing, seriously Buster: Rio, that's so sick Buster: Don't you know that? Rio: What? Buster: He shouldn't want anything like that to happen with you Buster: We've dragged Chlo through the mud but like, she's not a grown man Rio: He's not that old Rio: and I'm legal Buster: He's the same age as your fucking dad Buster: They grew up together Buster: Come on Rio: He can't not look, really, it's not like I give people much choice Buster: Yes he can Buster: You remember him from being a kid Buster: It's fucked up Buster: Why are you making excuses for him? How can you? Rio: Well everything's a bit fucked up in this family really isn't it Buster: If you compare me to him, I swear to god Rio: I didn't Rio: I'm just saying, I've not got room to judge Buster: You have though Buster: You should Rio: It's fine Rio: I don't care Buster: I can't do this Buster: Fuck's sake Rio: You'll leave it now? Buster: I'm walking away from this convo for a sec before I say something I don't wanna Rio: Go on, get it out here, like Buster: No Rio: It's my fault Rio: Do it Buster: Shut up Rio: No Rio: Make me Buster: I love you, so stop Rio: Why Buster: 'Cause I don't wanna hurt you by saying everything I'm thinking right now Rio: I can handle it Buster: I'm not doing this Rio: Pussy Buster: You're not gonna make me Buster: Leave it alone Rio: Yeah that's good, just tell me you're thinking horrible things about me but don't say them Rio: and you wanted to talk Rio: bullshit, Buster Buster: Excuse me for not wanting to fuck up again tonight Rio: It's your turn, like Buster: Are you keeping score now? Rio: Maybe Rio: Been that kinda day Buster: Then let's call it a night Buster: Enough of this Rio: What, so I can go back to being alone? Rio: Great Rio: Thanks Buster: Let me call someone for you or take you somewhere Buster: This is so stupid Rio: NO Rio: I don't fucking want them don't you get it Rio: you're stupid Rio: being home is no different than being here Buster: Come here then Buster: Just stop shouting at me Rio: You don't want me though do you Buster: Of course I fucking do Buster: Don't say that Rio: You're disgusted right Rio: I bet you can't even look at me Buster: Not by you Buster: Just him Rio: Do you think I did it Buster: I don't think you did anything wrong Rio: Honest? Buster: Seriously Buster: None of this is your fault Rio: I don't know how you can mean it Rio: but I believe you Buster: 'Cause it's true, Rio Buster: It hurts me that you don't know that Rio: I get paid to take my clothes off and talk about sex Rio: everyone's seen me get fucked Rio: it's not so leftfield for him to reckon i'd fuck him for payment Buster: Yes it is Buster: That's like Chlo saying 'cause I've fucked her friends I wanted to fuck her and it's no big deal Rio: Money makes it different Rio: you wanted to fuck them, that's fine Rio: I'm just doing it for the cash, so why not that too right Buster: 'Cause of who he is for one thing is why not Buster: 'Cause you've made it clear to him that you don't want to Buster: 'Cause wanting to get high doesn't mean you wanna get fucked Buster: 'Cause you're worth more than however the fuck much he gave you Rio: Have I though? Maybe I'm just not good at making it clear Rio: Ryan doesn't get it either Buster: That's them Buster: Lads have really fucked you over, babe Buster: I hate it Buster: I've always known exactly what you want and don't. It's not hard to read your signals never mind take it what you're actually saying Rio: Shut up Rio: I'm no sob story it's standard Buster: It's not and I can't handle you thinking it is Rio: You reckon no girl you've been with ever felt like this Buster: I've been a massive cunt to plenty of them but I still know they haven't Rio: Nah, you're wrong Rio: not saying because of you Rio: but they have Buster: Even if other girls have been through it, it doesn't make a difference Buster: It's still not right Buster: If this was happening to someone else you'd be first in line to fuck the dude up Buster: You know you would Rio: Yeah well other people don't deserve it Buster: Why do you? Rio: Because Rio: well because I dress how I do, and I put myself out there naked all the time anyway Rio: what else would people think Rio: it's logical Buster: Bullshit Buster: Normal people would reckon that how you dress doesn't make a difference Buster: And neither does your job, 'Cause that's what it is, babe. A job Buster: If Indie was doing it you wouldn't let people treat her like shit Rio: But she isn't and wouldn't Rio: I'm not saying it's right but it's the world we live in Rio: it is what it is Buster: No, cunts are gonna think what cunts are gonna think but that ain't your fault Buster: I refuse to believe your ma ain't never taken you to a women's march or some shit Buster: If anything you should get more respect for doing it, not less, 'cause of the cunts you have to deal with Rio: Well I don't so whatever Buster: Not whatever Buster: It's shit and you don't have to accept it Rio: Christ, do you wanna go on a march or something Buster: Shut up Buster: Have you met my mother and sister? I get all the feminist speeches I need Rio: Yeah well you know it's bullshit then Buster: What drugs did he give you? Buster: You're so down on yourself and everything else Rio: Oh yeah, this is an issue with the drugs Rio: Get real, babe Buster: I'm being real, you're being negative to the extreme Rio: Damn, I'm so sorry Rio: You want posi vibes go find my Ma Buster: Calm down Rio: Whatever Buster: Stop saying whatever to me Rio: Say something I wanna hear then Buster: Like what? Rio: If you need to ask it ain't gonna happen Rio: go to bed Buster: Only if you take your own advice Rio: Sure Rio: if you like Buster: Please do Rio: Don't make me whatever at you again Rio: I've still got some left Buster: You don't need that Buster: You need to stop Rio: I know my limits, thanks Buster: Act like it then Rio: Stop lecturing me Buster: Stop being such a headfuck Rio: If you don't like it you know what to do Buster: If you don't want me to tell you what to do, then don't try and do the same to me, babe Rio: What do you want, Buster? Buster: Why are you asking me that? You already know the answers Rio: I'm not in the mood now Rio: that ship has sailed Buster: If you think I'm gonna fuck you in this state then I don't know what to tell you Rio: You're not Buster: That's my point Rio: So Rio: you can go Buster: No Buster: I might be too sober for whatever the fuck is going on with you right now but that doesn't mean I'm leaving you to it Buster: Not actually that much of a cunt, like Rio: Entertain yourself then Buster: Fine Rio: You actually got nothing better on Rio: wake Nance up, like Buster: I'm not just sitting here Buster: I've got plenty of shit to do Rio: You should focus for once Buster: Stop telling me what to do Rio: It was a suggestion not a demand Rio: touchy Buster: Don't Buster: You're so annoying on whatever Drew's mystery freebies are Rio: Maybe you just deserve it Buster: What is that meant to mean? Rio: We're here 'cos you were meant to be apologising Rio: remember Rio: not forgot just 'cos I'm wasted Buster: I already said sorry Buster: But okay Buster: I'm sorry again Rio: Yeah Buster: I fucked up it's not gonna happen that way again Rio: Alright Rio: We'll see Buster: You don't believe me? Rio: I believe you've got good intentions Buster: That's not the same thing Buster: I told you, I'm done jumping through hoops for her Rio: 'Til you know it's yours for sure Rio: then you'll have to Buster: No I won't Buster: She doesn't get to hold me to ransom even if it is my kid Rio: I wish that were true Rio: You think lads are bad Rio: Girls can be evil Buster: Cheers for that, babe Buster: You're a bit late with the warning, like, but Rio: Well Rio: I didn't think this would happen Buster: That makes two of us Rio: It's shit Buster: Yeah, I know Rio: It's always going to be shit isn't it Buster: Of course not Buster: We're gonna be so good, remember? Rio: Sounds like the kinda shit I'd say Rio: yeah Buster: Yeah Buster: You did Buster: And I believe it Rio: I'm glad you do Buster: You're telling me you don't now? Rio: I didn't say that Buster: What are you saying? Rio: I don't know Rio: I need to get away Buster: From me? Rio: No Rio: From here Buster: Come to London with me Rio: I don't think I can come meet her parents with you babe Buster: That's not what I said Buster: And I'm not doing that anyway Rio: Since when? Buster: Since today when I told her I'm not Rio: Why didn't you tell me Buster: There's been a lot going on, babe Buster: You didn't wanna talk to me and I just wanted to say sorry so Rio: Ugh Rio: you don't tell me any of the good bits Buster: Bullshit Buster: I tell you everything Rio: Obviously not boy Buster: Fuck off Rio: You are rude Buster: Stop lying Rio: Yet more rudeness Rio: Unbelieveable Buster: You love me Buster: Shh Rio: Sad but true Buster: Don't say it like that Rio: Jokes Buster: 😒 Rio: Can dish it out but can't take it huh Buster: You don't have to be competitively rude Buster: It's not a game, like Rio: Oh so you want me to say nice things to you and you get to be a meanie Rio: I think not Buster: I can be nice Rio: You're gonna have to prove that Buster: Yeah? Buster: Easy Rio: ? Rio: I'm waiting Buster: What I have to prove it but you don't have to earn it? Now that's rude Rio: 😒 Buster: Are you gonna come to London or what? Rio: Maybe Rio: but even in my intoxicated state I know it needs more planning than just saying yeah Buster: If I say please will you say yeah anyway though Rio: Say it then Buster: Please stay in London with me, baby Rio: Oh Rio: that was nice Rio: Yeah, I will Buster: Good Buster: I wish we could start today over Buster: I miss you Rio: We can Rio: Come see me Buster: I can't, you're too wasted and so is my sister Rio: Please Buster: I really want to Rio: Then come Buster: You need sleep Buster: The comedown is gonna be a bitch Rio: I need you Buster: I can't just leave Nance here she won't know what the fuck is going on Buster: I'll come get you, you can be here too Rio: Can you drive? Buster: I'm not the one that's high, babe Rio: Okay Rio: smartypants Rio: Come get me Buster: I'm on my way Rio: 🤤 Buster: I love you Buster: Hold on, I'll be right there Rio: I love you Rio: you're hot Buster: Yeah I know Rio: so damn hot Rio: i want you Buster: Tomorrow Buster: When you wake up you can have the whole day if you want Rio: 😣 Rio: cocktease Buster: I'm only a tease if I break that promise Rio: I'm mad Buster: Babe Buster: I'll still make you feel good Buster: But you don't wanna fuck me Rio: I do too Buster: You might change your mind again before I get there Buster: You already have from earlier Rio: Well I'll let you know Buster: Good Buster: Chat away then 'cause if you wake Nance you will be mad and so will she probably Rio: Pshh Rio: You know I can be quiet Buster: Normally yeah, but I'm not sure I trust in whatever you're on Rio: 😑 Rio: I'm not gonna out us to your sister Buster: I know you won't Buster: I wouldn't let it happen anyway Rio: Exactly Rio: Plenty of ways to shut me up so let's play Buster: I'm trying to be good right now and you're making it harder than it should be Rio: Fuck good Rio: fuck me Buster: Jesus Rio: Little late to be turning to him babe Buster: Yeah Rio: [Morning after] Rio: Where are you? Buster: Breakfast run Buster: I'll be back soon Rio: Oh good Rio: I thought you'd relegated yourself to the sofa on my behalf Buster: Like you'd have let me Buster: You weren't letting go, babe Rio: Are you mad? Buster: 'Course not Buster: Are you okay? Rio: Dehydrated like a motherfucker Rio: don't say told you so Rio: is Nance up? Buster: Drink your water I deliberately left it within reach Buster: Neither of you were when I left but she could have been faking so she didn't have to face the world, like Rio: You're cute Rio: I'll attempt to lift my head, like Rio: Poor babe, I'm not hearing any groans of despair so maybe she's still out Buster: I'll rig up some kind of elaborate straw set up like the nerd I am if you wait for me Buster: I'll console her with breakfast either way Rio: Don't make me laugh Rio: or be nice to me Rio: Good idea Rio: that and complete feigned ignorance, at least I got so trashed it's almost believeable from me too Buster: I'll try not to make you laugh but you can't stop me being nice to you Buster: Yeah, obviously Buster: Do you want that from me too? Rio: No Rio: I don't like it when we don't tell each other the truth Buster: Me either Rio: How are you? Buster: Standard Buster: Well, my new one of tired and stressed, like Rio: Babe Rio: You should sleep when you get back Buster: And waste this coffee, yeah right? Buster: I've got too much to do anyway Rio: 😔 Rio: Least let me give you a massage Buster: 'Cause that won't be distracting at all, like Rio: After then Rio: I'm really good at them Buster: Humble brag Buster: But I don't doubt it Rio: I'm just tryna make amends Rio: I'll think of something Rio: not firing on all cylinders yet but Buster: Babe you don't have to Buster: I'm not gonna say no to you proving how good you are with your hands in yet another way but like Buster: It shouldn't be 'cause you feel bad Rio: But I do Rio: but I want to too Rio: I don't want you to be stressed Buster: Don't Buster: You don't owe me anything, yeah? I want to take care of you too Buster: And I'm not stressed 'cause of you, you know that right? Rio: Lil bit tho Rio: lbr Buster: Nah Buster: Yesterday was already a headfuck before you were Buster: And I can't actually make you do all my school work, hot as the idea is Rio: Okay Rio: I'll let you get on, promise Rio: No funny business Buster: Shame Buster: But if I have to keep on being 😇 so be it Buster: If I could resist you last night I can do anything Rio: Hm? Rio: Yeah I bet the mess was so desirable, like 😏 Buster: You were Buster: You are Buster: And you thought I was too so Buster: Christ knows why Rio: Who are you and what have you done with Buster McKenna? Buster: He's here somewhere, queuing for espresso Buster: But he was hardly bringing his A game to you at that AM after a mad dash to the 24, like Rio: Oh God Rio: might crawl into Nance's shame pit with her Rio: don't mind me Buster: There's no need Buster: You were all over the place, but at least you weren't stalking your exes Buster: Did think I might be one at certain points but Buster: Cheers for not dumping me Rio: Really throw him off Rio: A power move, honestly, and a better use of my evening alas Rio: Shut up Buster: I was trying to stalk Drew so I could murder him in fairness so I can't judge Rio: I remember that much Rio: Let's not Buster: You were right, as usual Buster: Take it Rio: I did not feel it, trust Buster: I know Rio: Indie's texting Rio: Ugh, I feel awful Buster: Are you gonna tell her? Rio: I don't think so? Rio: I hate feeling like I'm lying again but Rio: it's not worth it, she knows what he is, I don't need to feel like I'm stirring the pot Buster: For what my opinion's worth, now I'm calmer about it I don't reckon you should either Buster: How fucked to know that your dad ain't changed from the days he was fucking your mum for drugs Buster: She don't need that spelled out again Rio: Yeah Rio: It'll just hurt her Rio: I don't trust him to give a fuck so Rio: Nah Buster: Exactly Buster: I'm sorry I lost it Buster: You don't have to worry about what I'm gonna do, alright Rio: I don't blame you Rio: it was valid Rio: but glad we're on the same page about what to do now Buster: Yeah Buster: I don't wanna fight with you about that cunt of all people Rio: Seriously Rio: Agreed Rio: Safe to say I'm off the drugs but if I get the urge Rio: go somewhere else, like Rio: easy to avoid Buster: It's not like he comes around to see Indie that often either so Buster: I just wish Chlo was that easy to avoid Rio: If only Rio: Have you heard anything since? Buster: I've blocked her socials 'cause she was all over my feed so I'm waiting for that backlash but no Buster: I meant everything I said last night, you know Rio: Wait for her to find you on some obscure platform you'd forgot about Rio: that's always fun Rio: yeah, I know Buster: If she starts liking more of your pics we know why Buster: Hopefully even she isn't shameless enough to try and talk to me via Nance after everything though Rio: Won't get cocky, like Rio: Yikes Rio: She wouldn't, right? Buster: Honestly? I wouldn't be surprised Buster: Last night she was so Buster: It's next level Rio: Maybe unblock her then Rio: What if she thinks Nancy knows about the baby Rio: or just drops it for the fun of it Buster: Fuck Buster: Tell me I don't have to Buster: I can't deal with this right now Rio: I'm sorry Rio: but like you said, wouldn't put it past her, and that would be worse Buster: You're not the one who should be Buster: I keep fucking this up, don't I? Buster: I should've just listened to you. And my mum Rio: We don't have to deal with it Rio: it's hard to know what to do for the best when she's happy to use anything against you Rio: can't win Buster: I don't wanna lose everything, that's all Rio: You won't Rio: Nancy is never gonna be on her side Rio: even if Chloe did talk shit Rio: it's not gonna be good but, you won't lose her Rio: and you've got me Buster: Don't leave Buster: I know it's shit right now but Rio: I'm not going anywhere Rio: 'cept with you Buster: I know Buster: I'm just being dramatic Buster: Maybe I do need sleep Rio: Just a power nap Rio: I'll wake you up Rio: even if you do look like an 😇 when you're sleeping Buster: I know Nance is here and we have to have breakfast and all that bullshit but Buster: Will you stay with me anyway while I'm asleep Rio: Of course Rio: I kind of forgot I just couldn't Buster: Yeah Buster: I have to force myself to remember it can't be the same when other people are around Rio: Same Buster: I would've just kissed you when I came in whether Nance was there or not, like sorry but honey I'm home Rio: Now I'm sad that you can't Buster: Meet me on my way in and I'll do it there Buster: Say you need the fresh air Rio: Why are you so cute Buster: It's your fault looking so beautiful when all you're doing is sleeping Buster: Making me miss you and not wanna leave with your eyes closed, literally Rio: You got it so bad, babe Rio: Don't ever stop, okay Buster: Don't you stop Rio: Just born like it, babe Rio: couldn't if I tried Rio: 😋 Buster: 😏 Buster: There she is, the love of my life Rio: Shh Rio: Got me here swooning Buster: You're in the right place for it Buster: Me, not so much Buster: Speaking of shhing don't tell your dad how busy this place is on a weekday morning, yeah? Rio: Yeah Rio: should get up though, make the sofa look slept on Rio: but I'm warm and comfy Rio: I know Rio: 💔 like Buster: Stay there I'll be back soon Buster: I can do that Rio: I'm so lazy Rio: how long have you been up Buster: I'm selfish, that's where I want you Buster: Too long, babe Rio: Fine by me baby Buster: How does it feel like actual years since we were properly alone together, like? Rio: I know Rio: Long fucking day, like Rio: I miss you Buster: I miss you too Buster: so badly Rio: Well if you're good and get your work done, I'll take you out Buster: Let's just go out once breakfast is done Buster: I'll tell Nance I'm taking you home and we'll just Rio: Unless the next words outta your mouth are study date Rio: you know you gotta shh Buster: Babe Rio: Be a nerd Rio: you know it turns me on 😉 Buster: Alright Buster: But keep your hands to yourself if I have to Rio: 👐 where you can see 'em like Buster: Good Buster: I can still enjoy the view Rio: 'Course Rio: you're not training to be a priest, are you Buster: Sometimes a fair few praises of the big man do come out of my mouth, so I can see why you'd ask, but nah Rio: 😂 Rio: Shame Buster: Is that how you want it? Rio: Gotta replace the school uniform with something, babe Buster: Fine by me Buster: I love telling you to kneel Rio: Jesus Rio: You're making it very hard to be good Buster: There's plenty of time with that Buster: for* Buster: And Jesus is all about forgiveness, yeah? So Rio: So Rio: Make it through breakfast and then we can go do whatever you want Buster: I love you Rio: I love you more Buster: You reckon? Rio: Yep Rio: You said I shouldn't be competitively rude so Rio: Channeling my 💪 into this instead Buster: Well, get through breakfast and I'll prove you wrong about something for the first time in ages Rio: You're on, babe Buster: And I'm finally on my way back too Buster: Try not to swoon again when I walk in, like Rio: 😏 Do my best Rio: I am proper hank so, always a good excuse Buster: Until I catch you Buster: There'd be no excusing that reaction Rio: Sure everyone knows you love the heroics Buster: You're literally the only person who knows that, babe Buster: I asked Chlo if she was okay and she reacted like I asked if her mum was down to fuck Rio: She's a bitch Rio: and her mum would be so lucky Buster: 😂 Buster: This is why I love you more Rio: Seriously Rio: don't feel bad for trying to do the right thing Rio: even if we were both bitches about it Buster: I do though Buster: I feel like such an idiot Rio: I know but Rio: that's just how she wants you to feel rn Rio: and fuck that Buster: My mum basically told me to walk away, even if the kid's mine Buster: Maybe I should Rio: I don't think you can decide that 'til it's here Rio: it'll be real then Buster: It's real now though Buster: A real fucking mess Rio: I know Rio: but that's her, not the kid Buster: I really hope this kid ain't mine 'cause if it is, I don't want her raising it Rio: Yeah Rio: Maybe it'll change her, like Rio: failing that, she can get a decent nanny right Buster: Yeah Buster: Right again, I guess Rio: Bit strong Rio: Trying to be positive though Buster: Nah, you're coming for my nerd 👑 like Rio: Never! Rio: Ain't offering my services, no Mary Poppins, like Buster: You kind of are, to be fair Rio: Slide into her DMs with my CV then Rio: much appreciated 😂 Buster: You're welcome Rio: Fool Buster: Such a sweet talker, babe Rio: It's just mental Buster: Do you wanna elaborate or nah? Rio: You got the gist don't lie Rio: that you're having a baby Rio: might be Buster: Yeah Buster: I mean, I doubt anyone's gonna be that shocked when they find out but Rio: Yeah but Rio: doesn't mean it ain't Buster: Obviously Buster: But it means something that neither of my parents batted an eyelid at that part of the story Buster: Only the who, like Rio: I mean, yeah Rio: if they were putting money on a twin Rio: Definitely more prepared for this convo Buster: Hilarious Rio: You gotta admit Rio: that would be way more dire Buster: Way more drama Rio: I can't handle it Rio: never mind your poor parents Rio: taking one for the team, babe Buster: All about those heroics Rio: I knew Rio: Not to brag Buster: Keep my secrets, babe Buster: I'm back now, get your poker face on Rio: 😐 Rio: So serious Rio: so ready Buster: You and me both Buster: I'm so ready for you I'm not even hungry anymore Rio: 😣 Baby Rio: Don't try and break me already Buster: 🤐

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briteboy · 7 years ago

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yelling @ santi, i’m evil again (what else is new), SOME REALLY REALLY OLD ASKS, one GoT spoiler at the very bottom (beware)

*angrily slaps santi* GET YOUR SELF TOGETHER YAH POOP HEAD

Lou and Fiona deserve happiness pls let it happen ty

they do ;-; it will happen, don’t worry, no one suffers forever <3 i’ve actually been planning out lou’s story and i’m excited to actualize it hehe

I just read all of Santis story. Dear god, it is amazing. I cannot begin to describe how much I love it. I have been really sick lately and have such a hard time concentrating on anything for more than one second but I have not been able to look away from this story, not even when I re-read it for the third time. You are an amazing writer and I have fallen in love with every charachter you have introduced. I teared up so many times and my heart began beating fast, it was really an experience.

OH MY GOD ;___________; YOU READ IT THREE TIMES WHAATDOSOIGODFSKL holy shit thank you so much, i don’t even know what to say right now lmao ;-; i’m just kinda in awe that i was able to grab your attention like that and that you enjoyed it so much and just askjdjfsd THANK YOU i can’t say anything else but just thank you, people like you make this all worth it <3

A case of the novembers is the kinda story you read and you just know its going to stick with you for awhile. Like ones day, you'll be long gone in the future, doing something totally different, older wiser, all that bullshit, and you'll just randomly remember what a bittersweet story it was.

OMFG ;___; holy heck asjdjnfkdkjs this really got me right in the heart lmao. that’s the kind of story it’s always been for me and seeing other people interpret it that way as well is just mind boggling, thank you <3

You are evil. My poor heart hurts. ;______________;

you've ruined my life

Life hack: listen to the entire Hamilton soundtrack whilst working out at the gym. By the end of it, you'll have lost half your body weight due to sweating and crying at the same time (pls help this was such a bad decision)

OMG that’s me with grimes’ art angels lmao i go hord to kill v maim and venus fly

hamilton fans also go hord i respect it. learn more about history get swole killing two birds with one stone

Okay this is so fucking random but a while ago you did a post where you talked about perfect bby gianni saying that he spent a lot of time in introspection and like Thank you 'cause now I have a word to put on this thing I do when I try to figure why I feel certain things or what my relationship with people/random shit is and why and yeah I kind of understand myself a little better now so thx a lot!!! 😘😘😘 Also, you're great.

i think i was actually talking about santi (’cause that’s where we’re at right now, in that period of introspection for him heheh) but YES omg that makes me so happy ;-; it’s a good word lmao and i do the same thing, in fact i’m always trying to figure out my relationships with everything in order to understand myself more. that’s kinda why i’m so into astrology haha. i’m glad you finally got to pin down that feeling for yourself, it’s the best when that happens <3 YOU’RE GREAT TOO 💫

NOOOOOOOO MY FAVS THIS CAN'T... LOU.... SANTI PLS... THIS IS A RIOT 😭😭

let’s start protesting santi in the streets

Hi!! Umm I'm guessing you do but just in case, did you know there was a tear accessory? I think it's an eyeliner (cause you mentioned having to draw them yourself)

yeah i do! i mentioned the ones by s-club, i’ve used those a couple times. but i like drawing them myself because i feel like it’s weird to have the same single teardrop every time one of my characters cries (and we all know they’ve been crying a lot lately lmfao) if they didn’t cry often i probably wouldn’t feel compelled to draw the tears. but i don’t mind drawing them honestly, it’s kinda fun lmao. thanks for your consideration <3

so im sitting here thinkin....... what if santi goes on this trip and coms back and lou is in a relationship!?!?!

👏santi👏get👏it👏together👏

HE’S TRYIN

i want to die

AAAH SOLE DEVELOPMENT BETWEEN CUTE DEVIL CHILD AND I ALMOST DIED TWICE TATOO MAN YES

I HAD TO READ THIS LIKE THREE TIMES TO UNDERSTAND IT LMFAOSDOJDKF BUT YES their relationship kills me the most ;__;

wait santi tried to kys :'(

WHERE U BEEN he did :{

what font do u use in your histories?

arial!

hi u have a really pretty blog and I hope you have a good day

THIS IS SO SWEET I DON’T DESERVE IT ;-; I HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY TOO HONEYBEE 🌻

nyooooooom

I WENT M.I.A FOR A LITTLE AND I COME BACK TO READ UP ON THE STORY AND HOW DARE YOU ASHDDJFKL

@teishajenaie on instagram looks like Rooney to me, idk if you'd agree but ??

i see it!! definitely in the eyes and nose. also sorry i answered this literally like 3 months later lmao

gooey by glass animals gives me santi vibes :) ive been listening to it on repeat (bc im tht bitch) and it was making me think of you and his story! c: i hope you dont mind me over here lmao anyway, im excited to see where it goes and real excited for a back story for lou!! <3 lots of love

omg haha that’s actually funny because i used it in that one scene of him tripping, although it’s like completely a gianni song to me (at least personality-wise, it’s even on his playlist on my character page) and noooo i don’t mind, i love that song and i love when people recommend me songs!! i have a whole bunch of recommendations in my inbox that i need to acknowledge omg. anyway I’M EXCITED THAT YOU’RE EXCITED, especially for lou’s story, it’s coming up reeeeeal soon <333

i feel so late to the party but i Just started reading your story like five minutes ago and im absolutely entranced by it already and i cant wait to catch up and finally understand what to heck is going on

this was sent literally forever ago when santi and molly were out there being wild in the desert lmao so i hope you caught up and everything. “entranced” omg that’s such a wonderful word i’m honored

i didnt think i could love you more but the fact that you watch arrested development makes me so happy. i cry. my boyfriend has a mr manager, bluths frozen bananas shirt thats literally my favorite thing ever.

OMGGG YES i watched it once forever ago and i need to re-watch it asap lmao. I’M PRETTY SURE I BOUGHT THAT SAME EXACT SHIRT FOR MY BROTHER FOR CHRISTMAS ONE YEAR

Just a biiig prank. Huge

this one is from so long ago i don’t remember the context but i laughed at loud when i read it. huge

i was playing with uncharted for the first time today and they said Navarro in it and i was like THATS MY BOI SANTIII

santi infiltrating everyone’s lives my bf played uncharted tho!! it looked cool. like indiana jones. i liked the marketplace part. a monkey stole his apple

Hi sunny! I really am in love with your story (even if it's tearing me apart at the moment) and just wanted to say you're cool Stay strong ma dude

HI THANK YOU <333 you’re also cool my dude and i’m sorry for tearing you apart (if it makes you feel any better this story tears me apart on a daily basis)

what packs and expansions do u have for ur game?

ummmmmm all of them except vintage glamour and fitness stuff. i wish i didn’t buy some of the stuff packs lmao but what can ya do i actually didn’t even get vampires or bowling or parenthood until like a month ago lmao i’m late to the party

Oh shit she's been dead hasn't she. Like this is all a drug or alcohol infused bender of mollys memory, she's probably never left. They're probably still at the hospital. I hope I fucking wrong but shit I also hope not. Poor santi

we’re so far past this but i just wanted to publish this anyway lmao it was a good theory! and this person was so sure of it it kinda made me wish it was true lol. sorry if that disappointed you but i’ll always remember this one in my sad sad heart 💔

how long did it take for you to make friends here? I started a simblr because I really like storytelling with my sims & I thought it'd be fun to meet people who enjoy that, too, especially since I don't have many friends irl...but I've been here for quite a few months now and it seems like no one even cares that I'm here....everyone I try to interact with pretty much ignores me after a message or two....I'm just feeling really discouraged about my presence here :/

I’M REALLY SORRY I DIDN’T ANSWER THIS SOONER ASKJDKJFSDKA (i’m sure it didn’t help the fact that you feel ignored, i really really hope you see this) but okay uhhhhhhh i only had acquaintances from 2015 up until like this year? then i started really becoming close with people. so it took a while lol, but i think everyone starts off slow because it’s mostly about the actual game we’re playing at first and then making friends just happens through that. don’t get discouraged, like i said it took a while for me. you really just need to reach out to the people you’d like to become friends with, reply to their posts, give your genuine thoughts, say something that’ll make their day...people notice that no matter what they have going on, i promise. i hope you’re still here and hanging in there. don’t get caught up in who’s talking to you or not talking to you, just do your thing, enjoy what you do, and people will notice you. <3

3. Hi so I just wanted to say that I love your story, I'm here for every update. I'm an s3 player I play s4 every once in awhile but s3 has my soul. I love Santi and I know he will be happy in the end, whether it's with Lou or not(hopefully it is tho) I only want him to be happy. I go through so many emotions in one post, like this is a tv drama and I can’t wait for the next episode. This is the end of my cut and paste. Have a nice day.❤️

HI HELLO <3 this is so sweet and i can’t believe you actually care about my story lmao thank you i’m glad you have faith in his happy ending, i don’t want anyone to think i genuinely like making my characters suffer lmao. i only do it to make the happy ending more satisfying. asjdfjksd comparing my stuff to film or tv always makes me so giddy so THANK YOU ily <333

"Suicide before you see this tear fall down my eyes" (Beyonce) reminds me of Molly's situation soooo muchhhh aaaahhhhh

OMG YES what a good connection. good song good connection yaeeahhh better call molly with the good hair

Ummmm... hello! I just read through your whole story with Santi and I'm like... holy fuck. Not only is your story wonderful, your editing is so good. I'm surprised I didn't shove my eyes up against my computer screen. Please continue making wonderful things and being great. Signing off 12:31 in the morning, I hope you have as much fun as you want to

“as much fun as you want to” omfgasdkngjd why did that make me laugh so much. don’t have too much fun, have the responsible amount of fun anyway HELLO thank you soooooO much ;-; pls don’t shove ur eyes up against the screen i’m almost positive that’s not good for them. but i appreciate this so much thank YOU for being great <3 signing off at 2:18 in the morning after ignoring this message for months now (i’m sorryyyyyyy) but um ily

HELLO??? I JUST READ A SERIOUS CASE OF NOVEMBER FOR THE FIRST TIME AND I'M LIKE CRYING???? y u do dis to me I hate you and love you at the same time

(I need to rant I'm sorry) My uncle is really positive towards the army and war and stuff like that and all day he's been going on about how it should be mandatory to serve in the military, especially for "little brat girls" like me? And it's stressing me out so much I want to cry :( The army and war is something that genuinely scares me and I don't want anything to do with it, but he's just going on and on! What should I do?

this is literally sooooooooo late and i feel so bad i’m sorry, i hope this still helps you out and i hope you see it tho okay. i’m pretty sure this was even before the trans military ban like whew idek what your uncle must think about that. tbh just ignore him, like i know it’s hurtful but like...what is his point in telling you this? i would’ve literally been like (sarcastically) “ok then sign me up” but i’m also a lil shit so that’s probably not the best thing to say. but really like the only thing he’s trying to do is feel powerful by means of expressing his militaristic (no pun intended) opinions to someone far younger than him. it’s so that he feels bigger and better than you (especially by calling you a brat). he’s a sad man and anyone who relies on the military, of all things, to shape a person probably doesn’t have a strong sense of self anyway. i love you okay, just ignore him, don’t let him stress you out <3

I'm a little high and it's late but I have a lot of courage now so I've been following you for a while and I just want to tell you how much I love your story! I have come across other places on tumblr who do this but none have captured me as this one did! You are amazing and I am in love with this story! Thanks fo being you! :)

ONMG YOU HAD TO BE HIGH TO SEND THIS LMAO that was me this weekend anyway thank you so much, it floors me every time anyone says these kinds of things to me and it never gets old ;-; you are so amazing ok <333

you can't possibly be offended by a homophobic joke in game of thrones, it's set in medieval times. they had several lgbt characters in it, it's not the show that's homophobic, it's the characters, which is accurate for that time period.

o i can and i will lmao i mean i get where you’re coming from but with that logic you could say it’s only accurate to put homophobic jokes in today’s media just because people are still homophobic in the time live in. i know it’s the characters, but you do understand that someone writes those characters, right? it’s bad writing. it’s lazy and pandering and because of that it’s offensive. idk if you know the exact dialogue i was referring to but it was so completely unnecessary lmfao. they could’ve made a million other jokes. regardless of how it offended me it was just BAD lmao

SPOILER BELOW OK DON’T SAY I DIDN’T WARN YA

@ I wanna watch GoT anon: don't. It's just so fucking bad. The definition of overhyped tbh (and btw, sunny, PLS HELP HE SCREWED HIS FUCKING AUNT WTH)

LMAO SOMEONE ACTUALLY AGREES WITH ME? wow bless u. it is definitely overhyped, like it was good at first but it’s been riding that hype through these past couple of seasons to disguise the bad writing. i understand being entertained by it, but i’m always surprised when people think it’s actually well written at this point...it’s so cringey and now thanks to the season finale this fanbase will be justifying incest. great!

OK MOVE ALONG NOW

#AND I'LL BE ANSWERING THE CHARACTER ASKS TOMORROW (well today but whatev)#anonymous #nonsims #saviorhide #sunny answers

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