#anyways i'm gonna try to watch harold and maude sometime today and also watch another movie bc we are only 4 weeks into 2024
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literally all i have been doing the past two weeks is Wanting. they call me the wanter the way i'm wanting things i can never have
#yearning longing whatever you wanna call it#needing as well but to a lesser extent because you can only need to a certain degree before it becomes wanting. lusting for sure#i have not stopped since the year started and i don't see an end in sight yet. i literally can't even think straight anymore#i literally cannot do anything or get anything done i mean i'm bad at that usually but like i genuinely think i've lost it#and as someone who never had it to begin with... idk!!!!#it's like i'm afraid to lose focus on it as if it isn't a constant choice i keep making when i wake up#i must remember that i can give up anything if i decide to. everything could change tomorrow#not looking at him for 2 hours will not make the feeling go away... pls be convinced brain#because i have not been sleeping well </3#and i'm becoming hard to be around again. people can just instinctively tell when i'm being weird#it is important that i be as realistic as possible while being the most deranged person on earth#wouldn't want to hurt myself again lmao... but i always do anyways so i just gotta let it happen#anyways i'm gonna try to watch harold and maude sometime today and also watch another movie bc we are only 4 weeks into 2024#and i already fucked up the 'watch a movie a week' thing i've been doing LMAO all because i wanted to look at a man#i'm ridiculously fucking braindead#not upset about it tho that's just who i am. brain is fully developed in 2 weeks and 1 day so it's never gonna change sadly#atp growing and changing are not impossible but if i do not see a reward of being loved at the end of the tunnel i will end up dead#and it's fine it's all so fine
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