#anyways i think i will continue to talk about 911 forever and ever. it's truly something else

[hoziersong]

mr oliver stark you are. Amazing

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Kat. My last words.

Eric overdosed last night. His friend found him purple and not conscious. He called 911 and he was pronounced dead but after 3 attempts they were able to bring him back. I’m not sure why this event is what got me to finally text you what you’re about to or may never read, but it did. And even though it won’t change anything and it crosses lines, I need you to hear it.

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7 months in:

I don’t believe it will change things, Idk if I’d want it to. I don’t want to be a cause of disruption, I just have to say it.

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A couple of things I left out that night we met up were because I honestly forgot to bring them up in the moment. They weren’t things that you necessarily needed to hear either, but more that I felt I needed to get off my chest so that I could release the negative energy associated with those things that were on my chest and help me move on quicker.

I’d been trusting the timing of my life the past several months & truly tried to accept what had happened to me, not bring it up, and just move on.

When you said “there’s things i can’t say or do to you anymore”, is when I realized you genuinely had moved on and I had to respect that. So i was saying I wasn’t going to try to get you back because it’d be “pathetic”, is really bc I felt that there was no option for me to dive into what happened, but just to keep talking to you about everything else.

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I can’t even get into words to express how I felt at the end of our relationship. I don’t think it would change much of anything now anyway so I don’t really see a point anymore. I think you are happy with Hannah, I don’t see that ending anytime soon, yet I still can’t let you go. I’m trying to move on like you did fast but it doesn’t feel all right. You have never left me & I’m not sure if you ever will. I feel not so whole without you Kat. But at the same time I feel so grateful when I think of how far I’ve come & how much more positive and open I am in my life now. Though I still hurt from time to time & think of you often. I regret that things ended but I don’t regret the lessons I’ve learned and the growth I’ve manifested in my life. I just wish I could show you the new me & give you my all. You deserved the whole universe, I could only give you part of it. If I got the chance again, I would pick every star and galaxy for you out of the night sky and present it to you with my whole heart, my entire being. But there’s nothing I can do about it now except to wait for 1 of 2 options while we both live our separate lives.

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I feel so much, so much more than I ever let on with you or anyone. There was a vault inside of me that stayed closed for so long, I was so ashamed & I buried pains you nor anyone else didn’t even know existed deep to never let them out, I can’t even explain how I suppressed them for so long bc I have no idea how I got thru it on my own, but it finally opened in my mind and blew everything in my life up including us.

All the insecurities and contradictions that came with me graduating and moving and the cheating and the certain thing that happened to me, got me and took over all control, I felt like I had no choice. I’m sorry I never let you in to what happened to me & still haven’t. Literally nobody knows what I’ve gone thru but me and I’m not gonna let it get in the way of the peoples lives that I love again.

If we get the chance to talk in person again sometime, I’ll tell you. But I’m not the selfish person I was in the end of our relationship anymore. You knowing the real reason wouldn’t change anything right now. I see your happiness and I respect it because I still love you and all I’ve ever wanted was for you to be truly happy. And now you are! Which makes me incredibly happy & a bit sad at the same time bc I know I wasn’t strong enough for us, but really I’m genuinely happy for you. I will always be your #1 fan Katherine Marie Chapa.

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10 months in:

I don’t expect us to get back together in the future. I mean how could you after all I put you thru? But, that doesn’t help me give up on us. I took the risk of breaking us up, (trust me to this day it’s still the hardest decision I’ve ever made), and even though there were days it seemed like I didnt care, I did.

You’re my soulmate. We’re universally connected. You were never an option to me. You‘re THE only option. And that’s a reason I did it. I didn’t believe I was worthy of you and I had issues going on internally that I couldn’t deal with, I had to fix myself before I could give myself fully to you again.

I never EXPECTED us to get back together in the future. Of course I hoped (still have hope) that we will, and I truly thought we would be together again by now. But I need you to know that I never thought you would 100% come back to me. Like I never had the thought of “oh she’ll take me back forsure” or anything like that. Genuinely, I made the absolute hardest decision of my entire life ending things bc I took that risk of losing you forever.

I knew it wouldnt be quick for me to find myself and better myself and be able to get back to you (It took much longer than I thought). I knew the possibility of you moving on with someone new was there. Though I never thought that would come so quick like it did nor last this long. I’m happy that you are happy. But I cannot and don’t want to imagine a life without you. Even if it’s just friends, I can’t live with the thought of you being a stranger. But I feel like that’s what we are now. I can’t let go of you. No matter how much I would love to stop hurting, I still have you in my heart and my mind.

Maybe I need you to break my fucking heart. I need you to tell me that there is not one piece of you that loves me even in the slightest. I need you to tell me you’ll never get back together with me. I need you to crush me like I did us. Hurt me so I can’t hurt myself anymore. This is selfish of me to ask but I rather this be the kind of selfish act I do than the selfishness I showed in the end of our relationship.

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To this day I wonder if I did the right thing. Like I know I did bc it happened and everything happens for a reason. But it was not easy and did not come from a quick decision. The time i spent bw all the panic attacks and quiet depression mixed with all the genuine happy times we shared, I was dying inside. Wanting to die forreal but I couldn’t do that. Not to you nor my friends or family, nor to myself.

I just felt so dirty and worthless after what happened to me. I’ve come to terms with what happened, but I can’t help but think where would we be right now if it hadn’t happened.

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Regardless,

I know we’re both different people now. We’re both living our own lives. We’re both thriving in our own ways. Inherently we are still the same souls but we probably have different viewpoints and outlooks than we did when we were dating. But I’m glad. Because if we do get back together some day, it will be because the break was worth it. All the pain and growth and time was worth it. Because I still believe that our love is worth it all. YOU are worth it all. And I would gladly spend every day of the rest of my life making up for the pain I caused. Forever and always might have paused for a bit, but I can still see it continuing when the time is right. Gods got a plan and I truly believe that we are meant to be in eachothers lives.

For now, I’m just living and continuously growing. Not waiting for you, I’m doing my own thing like you are yours, but more so my heart still has you in it and wont let go until either 1, you marry someone else or 2, you break my heart & hopes or 3, maybe by some miracle I stop thinking of you. If nothing else, I would love to have you as a friend.