#anyways i don't usually get mad like this but jesus fucking christ i can't stand this woman

[drop--pop--candy]

talked (read: had an argument) with my mother again. i'm going to start killing <3

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

More Peacock and Gamble radio updates. Another post where I don't think anyone should read it, I don't think anyone will read it, and that combined with the fact that I'm tired means I can't be bothered to edit (not that I usually do proper editing of this blog, but I'm usually slightly careful and give it a quick glance over, haven't done that here), it's probably unreadable. I really am almost done with them now.

I have two episodes left of the Peacock & Gamble FUBAR Radio show, and Jesus Fucking Christ, did that ever escalate. Or the opposite of escalate. Devolve. It definitely did something. I checked today, the combined length of all the video and audio files in my Peacock & Gamble (plus some solo Peacock stand-up) folder. 196 hours in total. 196 hours worth of files, all nicely labeled and organized into sub-folders – honestly, the admin on this one took ages. 196 hours and I’ve watched or listened to all of it except six, the last two 3-hour radio episodes. I have to get them done.

I’ve been saying that for several days now. Things started really escalating/devolving around episode 14, and since then I’ve said I don’t care what else comes up, I’m not doing anything besides listen to this (except, you know, the things I have to do for a living, and annoyingly my work chose this week to decide I’m going to be 8-6 for three days in a row) until I get to the end and can be free of this madness. Several days ago I got to download ten new stand-up shows by different people, all of which I’m very excited to hear especially with my trip to Edinburgh coming up so soon, but I haven’t listened to any of them yet because there’s a radio show collapsing and I have to know how it ends. Which is a weird motivation to have, since I do know how it ends. Badly, for everyone. They leave the radio station and never speak to each other again (that's a slight exaggeration, and also Ray did go back to the radio station later, I think once a number of things were more stable). I don’t know what kind of ending I’m hoping I’ll get to. But at the moment it’s like reading a book that’s in the middle of its most chaotic and climactic part, I can’t just put it down.

I also stopped writing update posts after every episode as I’d been doing for a while, because 1) I didn’t want to stop listening long enough to do anything else, including write about it, and 2) did I mention that my hours are too long and I need a new job? Things aren’t going well on that front, by the way. It’s fine, I’ve got some audio from 2014 to distract me. Anyway here’s an update on the last few episodes.

They’ve found a new enemy. I've said before that they always do well when they have an enemy. Raji James. Listeners who will be cool about getting abused. Guests whom they either genuinely or pretend to dislike. Horrible controversial talk show hosts on their own network. Grocery store chains. Picking on each other was funnier back when they had less genuine tension between them, and in the 2014 run, they’ve been mainly getting by on finding outlets besides each other where they can direct their combativeness. But they have now, finally, found the final boss of Peacock & Gamble enemies: FUBAR Radio and all its management and production staff.

I think episode 14 was the first one where Ray Peacock was actively trying to get fired. There were a lot of episodes before that when he certainly didn’t seem to mind whether he got fired or not. But also, there wasn’t a lot of danger of that, because this station was clearly going hard on marketing itself as uncensored and controversial, so the more Ray Peacock flouted rules of radio, the more he played into what they wanted, letting them brag about being shocking and dangerous. Which was all right until they started using that angle to promote genuinely dangerous stuff like racist and misogynist talk show hosts, even happening to specifically choose one who had a negative personal history with Ray Peacock, which, shockingly, did not seem to be something he took in stride, when it got thrown at him in the middle of a severe mental health breakdown. Again, it is like someone wrote this as a movie. If I ever found out this whole thing was scripted, I would be incredibly impressed with everyone involved, and believe they all deserved awards. As it is, I’m still very impressed, but for very different reasons, and definitely none of them deserve awards for it.

I know Ray Peacock has said since that he and Ed had decided a while beforehand that they just wouldn’t go back after Edinburgh, that they’d been thinking of leaving for a while, so by June and July of that year, they had to have both stopped factoring in a future at that radio station into their career-based plans. Ray Peacock also mentioned in that episode that he was previewing his Here Comes Trouble show, and it would be a perfect ending if he could close on a story about how he managed to find a way to get fired from uncensored radio. I’ve heard that show – a couple of versions, in fact – and yeah, as absolutely brilliant a show as it ended up being, it would have been even better with an ending like that. Perfectly on theme. Would have wrapped it all up nice. Would have required rejigging the emotional tone a bit, but I’m sure he could have managed.

So I’m pretty sure he was actively looking for loopholes in the term “uncensored”, things you’re not allowed to do even there. Started going out for cigarettes during the show, which he’d done a bit before but had at least tried to be subtle about it. After the escalation, he took a phone call from the listener, immediately said he needs to go for a smoke and then hung up on the guy, and walked out of the room, leaving Ed Gamble there alone, who couldn’t even put a song on because he didn’t know how to work the desk, and who clearly hadn’t been warned that this would happen. You’re definitely not supposed to do that. I’m not a radio expert but I don’t think you’re supposed to do that.

He started slagging off the producers, which had also been there from the beginning but there was a sharp shift when it went from fun banter to much harsher (I don't think he genuinely hated the actual people who were producing the show, they were proxies for other people who mismanaged things, but he did a very convincing impression of someone who hated the actual people in the room). Went from picking fights with the talk show host personally, to (still doing that but also) talking shit about the management as a whole, of the station that would choose to hire that guy. Oh, and at the same time they hired Katie Price on a different show, so he went off about that too.

I do get the impression that this happened across a backdrop of a radio station genuinely in shambles, that he wasn’t making all of that up. Richard Herring and a couple of other respectable comedian presenters had left, they were replaced with people who’d been hired only for shock value. They’ve said since (and made a couple of references to it at the time as well) that they weren’t getting paid on time or at all, either. And it also sounds like there was a bunch of genuine incompetence in how things were run, like guests not being booked properly, though I assume it was actually the fault of higher up people, and Ray was yelling at production staff for effect. I get the impression that the whole thing may have been an early version of that thing that came into fashion around the mid-2010s, of people saying “We don’t need to follow the rules and prioritize people who know what they’re doing, let’s be controversial mavericks!” and then it turns out that there’s actually a reason why other radio stations secure stable funding and ensure basic things like guest booking go smoothly. Obviously this is just my guess based on knowing very little. But there only a few different stories that just play out over and over, and that’s one of them.

In the fourth and final season of The Ray Peacock Podcast, Ray said things had fallen apart at the end because “it happened for real”. In early days of the podcast they made jokes about how Raji James had fucked everything up and his life had fallen apart. By the end of the podcast, he’d been evicted from his house for real, and those jokes felt a lot more immediate. It does feel slightly like a larger-scale version of that happened across the whole 196 hours of Peacock & Gamble that I’ve dug up. In the early Ray Peacock Podcast days, Ray was playing a guy who was always a dangerous wildcard in a social situation, will test the limits of how far fucking with people is allowed to go. But it was all carefully constructed, they’d run it by Raji beforehand, when they sounded at their most out of control was when they were actually hitting cues to make sound effects.

Some years later, Ray Peacock is pulling out some of his old favourite things, but this time messing with listeners who had obviously not been briefed the way Raji James was. There were two or three points where he was making listeners do stuff that was at least as bad as most of the Raji stuff, but without any warning, unless the listeners were very good actors (like I said, if it ever turns out this was all scripted, give them all awards). I mean, obviously the listeners would have called in knowing something like that might happen. But probably not the extent of it, as he seemed to pick his moments at random. Also, there is definitely a sense that Ray Peacock had gone from playing a guy who was a dangerous social wild card to actually being that guy.

There were a couple of points where I found myself wondering, to quote Ed Gamble’s catchphrase of the day… “Is that all right?” Like, for real. Assuming this wasn’t all a brilliantly scripted satire on something or other, Ray Peacock clearly just should not have been on the radio while in that mental state. I’m thinking of the Pierre Novellie material about whether it’s unethical to laugh at a comedian when the reason they’re funny is that they’re just speaking the thoughts of a person with a mental health condition (“It is not illegal to hire a man with severe OCD as a cleaner”). And to be clear, through all of this, Ray Peacock remained incredibly funny. But there were definitely times – a few specific times – when I laughed, and then felt like I maybe shouldn’t be laughing at this. Not even at his really dark jokes about his own suicidal tendencies or things like that – I’m fine with dark jokes, when they’re made by the person affected (instead of at the expensive of that person). I’m thinking of times when he did stuff on air that was funny but also a genuinely bad idea, and was clearly happening because his mental health had deteriorated to the point where impulse control had eroded to nothing – and that isn’t me armchair diagnosing a stranger, it’s the thing he explained in his stand-up show had happened – and laughing at that didn’t feel entirely okay. Even if it was funny. Which it was, every time.

In all of this, there was maybe one instance when he crossed the line, in my mind, into genuinely unlikeable. It was a quite small instance that lasted about two minutes, and that’s pretty good, I think, that I still found him likeable for all but two minutes of those many hours, despite being in the middle of that bad a breakdown. Though I have frequently found other comedians very likeable, when I’ve been told that others find them unlikeable for being too bitter or competitive or combative or whatever else, so other people’s standards may vary. Hell, there are people who thought Ed Gamble was too harshly combative in the Taskmaster era, not realizing that that’s Ed Gamble with the edges sanded off. You should have seen him a few years earlier, he did a lot worse than yell at David Baddiel a bit.

Which brings me to the next topic of this post. I can hardly believe that I spent my posts about the first few episodes of this radio show complaining that Ed Gamble was being too professional, playing the straight man role too much. When Ray Peacock went totally off the rails in later episodes, far from stopping him, Ed Gamble went hard the other way. In fact, there were a couple of times when Ray was off about something and I found myself thinking… “Okay, Ed, this might actually be the time to get in there. I know I wanted you to let him go before, but that’s when he was singing over Muppet songs, not asking listeners to call in with stories about their suicide attempts. Maybe it’s time to play straight man?” But that’s not fair, is it? For me to complain about Ed when he reins Ray in and then to complain when he doesn’t. So I’ll be fair to Ed Gamble and say that, to his credit, from about episode 12 onwards, he was relentlessly on board with anything Ray came up with. I got the impression at some point that Ray had started trying to do things that would make Ed stop him, and Ed didn’t blink. Ray makes an horrifying joke about his intention to commit suicide? Ed says cool, let’s plan your fucking funeral. How dark do you want to go? Ray hangs up on a guest and leaves Ed alone in the studio with no warning? Ed says fine, he’ll call the guest back and abuse him for a bit and then create some chaos with two phone lines at once. He’d spent enough years learning how to do it.

Okay, there was one time when Ray Peacock got angry at the producers because the guest didn’t turn up, so he retaliated by making them come into the studio and have an in-depth discussion about pedophilia, and Ed Gamble hung back a bit and sort of tried to subtly get them off the subject. But even then, he wasn’t forceful about it. He pretty much just let it happen.

And in fact, there were times when Ed seemed to be trying to one-up Ray in this game of who can push things the farthest, which was a futile effort but shows a change in him that he even gave it a shot. There was only one occasion when he succeeded, after all those times of it being the other way around. I guess I won’t get too detailed about what they were doing, but it ended in Ray slowing down and then Ed suddenly took it a step farther, causing Ray to crack up a bit, briefly come out of character, and tell him, “Mate, stop it. You’re on telly. You can lose things, I can’t.” Which was 1) weirdly adorable in a way I can’t explain, and 2) a pretty good summary of the entire situation.

Ed's also started going a lot harder on the sort of "old school, Lee Mack-style quick comebacks or wordplay" thing. It's a skill I didn't really know he had, at least to that extent. I've heard him do it a little bit in more recent stuff, but not nearly as much as that. He was pretty good at it, as Ray started acknowledging on air in the episode just after the one that caused me to point it out in a previous post, and I was pleased to have the confirmation that I was right to think this was a sudden change in Ed, one worth remarking. Ray made some joke about how Ed got one TV show and then immediately started talking like a guy who had a team of Mock the Week quip writers working for him, which I'd guess might be pretty much what happened (not that he actually had writers, obviously, but that the sudden interest in honing the quip-making skill may have come from moving up to be a panel show candidate soon). As the episodes went on, Ed occasionally went overboard with it to the point of being a bit annoying, but it was funny most of the time, I thought.

He's rebelling hard against both the "sidekick" and "straight man" roles. Trying to be the joke maker, bringing the attention back to himself more, when in some previous iterations of their work (ie. the Edinburgh interviews from 2012 and 2013), Ed often faded into the background while Ray took on the guests. And Ed was also trying to be the guy who can go off the rails just as hard as Ray Peacock, which is, as I said, futile. But he gave it a hell of a try.

They had a couple of interesting discussions, during their radio run, about how Ed Gamble is good at doing tour support because he can just keep a night moving along at a decent pace and not pull too much focus, while Ray couldn't do that job because he'll always change a room. I guess a skill like that might be the sort of thing that could win a guy an award for being the best compere. Ray pointed out that he can't be bad at that skill because he also does a lot of compering work, and TV warm-up. But I'm pretty sure they do it very differently. Ed seems very good at moving a show along professionally, and he's also good, at separate times, at being very silly and getting on board with the terrible yet funny ideas. On the other hand, Ray is very good at steering a show while simultaneously appearing to be incredibly unprofessional and out of control. He doesn't appear to know what he's doing, but the show does get steered where it's supposed to go, so clearly Ray is doing something right underneath it all. Except the times when that doesn't happen because he's too far into a genuine breakdown to be in control of anything, secretly or otherwise. And at those times, either Ed steps up and tries to run the show but that throws off the balance because he does it too straight, or he doesn't do that and the show just goes off the rails. I prefer the latter.

Anyway, the point is that I think Ed Gamble did eventually accept being the guy who doesn't change the room when he's in it. I think he must have. Because I know Off Menu is a wildly popular podcast with a lot of deeply obsessed fans, and I know a lot of those fans have dug into everything James Acaster has ever done. But even those fans cannot be doing the same thing with Ed Gamble, because if the younger Off Menu fans had dug up Ed Gamble's back catalogue, they'd have cancelled him by now. Since all this is out there, easy to find. Of those 196 hours in my Peacock & Gamble folder, a few of them are old live shows and podcast extras/behind the scenes stuff, that I got access to on Patreon. But the actual podcast episodes are all right there on Fourble for free, and easy to download. The radio episodes are all archived on the FUBAR site.

There are some things I write about on this blog that I've accessed via varying levels of secret things - sketchy free streaming or download sites that can be found by anyone who knows where to look but shouldn't be talked about too much to avoid getting them in trouble, private discord servers, and personal connections where I get sent files directly (putting it that way makes me sound way more connected than I am - I have exactly one connection of that sort, but it's a really good one, I got incredibly lucky). But I cannot emphasize enough how much I needed to use none of that to find Ed Gamble's back catalogue. It's all there in public. A bit of it is locked in a Patreon account that people can access fully for $2 if they want to (I paid a bit more than that and will keep my subscription for a while, I'm enjoying the content and figure I owe him for all the free entertainment, but someone could access it all for almost no money), but most of it's free. Free and easy to find. Oh, I grabbed a few little extra things off YouTube, too. Also free. Some of the oldest podcast episodes are also on YouTube, in addition to Fourble. And despite that, no one is digging them up these days.

That veered off topic for a bit, but the point is that it was interesting to hear Ed Gamble talk about how he knows he's rarely the most interesting comedian in a room, that's what makes him good at compering and tour support and straight man roles. However, for a while on this 2014 radio show, he seemed to be trying hard to change that, to stand out more (it's tough to be the most interesting comedian in the room when you're next to Ray Peacock - not an easy feat with James Acaster either, actually). I think Ed's given up, since then, on changing that. He's still not the guy who makes fans interested enough in him to dig up everything he's ever done, even though he's doing very popular stuff with a lot of fans right now. But it might be in his interests to keep it that way. That risk might be the sort of thing that could make a guy write a book that covers the history of his life and doesn't mention a massive part of seven years of it.

Back on topic, here's another thing I noticed in the later FUBAR Radio episodes - the guests are a good barometer for how much funnier the show got as it went along. In the first few episodes, I found myself looking forward to when the guest would show up, because the Peacock & Gamble interactions felt a bit stilted, and the guest breathed some life into it. Past episode 10 or so, I tended to forget a guest was coming until they actually turned up, and when they did, it annoyed me a bit, because I'm finding Peacock & Gamble so funny that I just want to hear more of them, without anyone else to dilute their dynamic. With the exception of when Sara Pascoe and John Robins turned up in episode 15, which was a really nice interview that was a welcome break from the entire show collapsing around them. This was actually the second time I heard that interview, as I first heard it earlier in 2024 when I was doing my intensive dive into everything John Robins has ever done (like I said, I've dedicated all of 2024 so far to comedians who've been fired as warm-up acts for Deal or No Deal). I think I said at the time that the interview felt chaotic and unprofessional (in a good way) - obviously because I listened to it while listening to the Elis and John XFM/Radio X catalogue, so I compared it to that. Turns out that when I hear it in the context of other Peacock & Gamble stuff, it sounds like a downright pleasant chat.

I like that Ray Peacock appears to appreciate narrative parallels. He'd spent most of the years since the end of The Ray Peacock Podcast using references to that extremely sparingly (in his podcast and radio stuff, obviously, I don't know what he was doing live, though I know the Peacock & Gamble Edinburgh/tour shows stayed away from it almost entirely). Then, late in the radio run, at what they had to know was the end of the Peacock & Gamble saga, Ray started mentioning Raji James a bunch. They even tried to call him live on air in episode 17, but he didn't answer. There was some material about Raji James in Ray's Edinburgh show that year, so I guess that was on his mind while he was previewing it. But it meant the Peacock & Gamble saga came full circle on a few things, besides just the obvious "this started with Ray Peacock playing a wildly out-of-control combative character, and then he had a breakdown and became that for real".

Starting in episode 15, I think, Ray pulled out the extreme childish voice that he used to use on the Peacock & Gamble podcast, that I hadn't heard in anything from the several years since then. It came out at a point in the episode when he and Ed had both really run out of steam, there was no energy in the room, and Ray suddenly decided to just start yelling like a five-year-old. Ed quickly got on board and followed suit, and I started laughing too hard on the bus again, because fucking hell I forgot how funny that was (weird that I'd forgotten a bit because it hadn't been long for me, since I've speedrun Peacock & Gamble, but still, it feels like 100 years ago that they were doing that). He brought it back out a couple of times in the next couple of episodes. He even threw in a quick "petrol" in one bit, and the words "or drink!" into a separate bit, both major catchphrases from their old podcast. Quick, blink-and-you'll-miss-it references.

There was also a parallel that I assume was unintentional, in that in one of the very first Peacock & Gamble episodes, one of the first really big laughs that podcast got from me was Ray suddenly asking Ed, "Should we just fuck this off?", and explaining how they could get McDonald's instead of recording a podcast and that would be more fun. I immediately thought of that at the point, late in the FUBAR Radio run five years later, when Ray Peacock announced that he'd had enough of all this bullshit and was ready to walk out live on air and never come back. He asked Ed if Ed would go with him if he did that, and Ed actually hesitated for a fraction of a second - after several weeks of admirably managing to get on board without hesitation no matter what Ray threw at him - before saying that yep, he'd walk out right then if Ray did. Ray then started yelling at the producers in the room, asking if anyone wanted to leave with him, and there was a clear understanding that he wasn't joking, he'd been ready to quit for a while and had genuinely decided this could be the moment. It was tense to listen to, so very different from Ray and Ed just sitting in Ray's house and giggling about the idea of blowing off a podcast recording to go to McDonald's. Then a distraction happened and they did not, in fact, walk out. But I have no doubt that he was serious about being close to doing it.

I thought I'd post a clip to illustrate some of it - this happened after Ray had already declared he was ready to walk out of the studio and never come back because of the incompetence/other problems at the radio station. They'd mentioned earlier in the episode that they'd been given trailers for various FUBAR shows and been asked to play them, and Ray decided to pull them out while he was on the phone with a listener who'd called in. She didn't want to hear the Justin Lee Collins trailer, and understandably so (I have listened to nearly all 196 hours of Peacock & Gamble, but the one bit of it I found myself nearly - not quite, but nearly - skipping was their half-hour guest spot on Justin Lee Collins' show, because my God, is that man ever annoying), but then Ray worked out that there was a Peacock & Gamble trailer in there, and... yeah, I don't blame them for wanting to walk out on the spot.

So that's the level of being fucking done with it all that they got to, when there were still three episodes left. Things have seriously devolved. And I have to get to the end. I have to finish the last couple of episodes before I do anything else, so I may be free of this Godforsaken story. Also it's still very funny and I don't want to stop listening to it.

Well this post got long. I need to go to bed. On a lighter note, I've been greatly enjoying the music they play. I've downloaded a few songs that I heard on this show, plus have been listening to Jonathan Coulton again. I didn't need to download his stuff as I already have lots, I was really into him since high school, but I forgot about him for years, and appreciate Ray Peacock reminding me of Coulton's existence. That's been fun.

Here, let's end this post on a positive note. Since writing this has felt weirdly bleak, for a post about an incredibly funny radio show that's been hugely entertaining me all week (the difference is that when you hear it play out on the radio show, it's done by comedians who are constantly interspersing it with comedic bits - if you just describe what happened without doing comedy, it doesn't sound fun). And I've managed to stay mostly on topic for almost this entire post, so why not end it by going off topic and telling you about my high school music taste? I've always found this song genuinely, unironically inspirational (they haven't even played this one on the radio, they've played deeper cuts, and I like his deep cuts, but with Jonathan Coulton, my favourite is the obvious):

[punkscowardschampions]

Hathor & Sekhmet

Hathor: About to slap myself so you'll feel it Hathor: wherever you are ain't where you should be Sekhmet: what im sleep Sekhmet: 😴😴😴 Hathor: wake up 👊🏽 Hathor: you asked me to meet you, remember? Sekhmet: I think that's tomorrow Sekhmet: I said Wednesday, right Hathor: That's today Hathor: you blackout past Tuesday? Sekhmet: You're joking Sekhmet: well then, that means I've got a deadline I gotta meet and not a whole lot of time for brunch dates Hathor: you're joking Hathor: I cancelled on a fine boy for you Sekhmet: it's so early you got time to hit it back Sekhmet: I know I didn't tell you I'd meet you at the crack of dawn Hathor: you didn't and you're late af still Sekhmet: chill sis, I'll make it up to you Hathor: yeah Hathor: anyone else'd be offended you don't ever want to have a sober conversation Hathor: but I'll see you in the club Sekhmet: girl, chill 😂 Sekhmet: how fine was he that you're all kinds of vexed with me Sekhmet: don't even care how I'm gonna make it up to you, oh my days 🥴🍆🧠 for real Hathor: he's got prospects, I'm not saying any more than that if you're not coming out 👅 Hathor: I'll care how you're gonna make it up when you next show up for real Sekhmet: ugh! living up to your name 🐮 Sekhmet: bitch I'm busy 😏 the juggle is real Hathor: you know I don't say that shit lightly except once in a blue moon, however fine a lad be looking Hathor: but if you don't wanna hear it Sekhmet: is he 🧑🏾🧑🏿 Hathor: 🥛 Hathor: nobody is more surprised than me Sekhmet: 👏🙌 yay Sekhmet: I told you, white boys are the best Sekhmet: they treat us like 👸 Hathor: It's his Irish accent tricking me Hathor: I gotta take a trip back and cure myself Sekhmet: awh, you're homesick, precious Sekhmet: now it makes sense why you wanna tie me down Hathor: can barely understand him he's from so far north, more likely that Sekhmet: throwback 📟 📠 📺 📻 Hathor: get the psych dept to pull their shrink shit on me about it Sekhmet: You wanna be just like Vee, sorted Sekhmet: take my PhD now 💁 Hathor: be more disrespectful! first you stand me up and then put that out there Sekhmet: 🤭 you've got a ways to go, even if you're rolling mad extra today Hathor: I didn't ask 👼🏽💘 to 🎯 me up in the 🍑 Hathor: got my own things I'm busy with Sekhmet: love is magic 💖 Sekhmet: don't be complaining in my inbox when I'm tragically single Hathor: I've been serving and swerving him for long enough I thought I'd succeeded, there's the complaint Sekhmet: 🙄 you can't ❌ feelings bitch Hathor: white boys are a different animal, I ❌ the fear of Sekhmet: 😍😍😍 Hathor: I'm not here to be treated like a 👸🏽 if that's one step away from being called 'exotic' Hathor: there's nothing sexy about a power imbalance Sekhmet: most girls would disagree, babe Sekhmet: why do you wanna be run of the mill every day when we been #blessed with this 🔥 Sekhmet: all black guys wanna chat about is my light-skin privilege and their black man struggles, I can't 🥱 Hathor: fetishization like that ain't foreplay I'm interested in Hathor: 👑 me for other reasons than my melanin Sekhmet: insecurities SNAPPED, I'm sure he likes you for more than your skin, you crazy Hathor: he likes me for how I pour measures rn Sekhmet: racial Sekhmet: that's why everyone likes you 💃💃💃 Hathor: on account of being a poor student not Northern Irish, don't be biting the hand that feeds your blackouts Sekhmet: my white boys always pay Hathor: #blessed innit Sekhmet: 👸😇 tings Hathor: which white boy you with ignoring your deadline then? Sekhmet: whoever it is they've gone to work Sekhmet: but they left a 💳 with their cute note so I know I'm in a good postcode still 🙏 Hathor: so come meet me and spare mine, that's the right thing to do Sekhmet: just 'cos it's good doesn't mean I'm not lost still, damn Sekhmet: hold on and let me get dressed and get my bearings Hathor: if your phone ain't drained I can use it to get your bearings while you serve a look Sekhmet: who doesn't have a charger in their hoe 👜 PLEASE Hathor: you didn't know what day it was, can't blame me for 👶🏽ing Sekhmet: where would I be without you 😘 Sekhmet: mum hasn't phoned me in ages actually, it's so rude Sekhmet: I missed the last few but still Hathor: I hit her with your highlights, creatively Hathor: like how I won't mention a white boy making me feel like a baby 🐮 that can't walk Sekhmet: 😶😶 Sekhmet: dad would 😥 Hathor: and she'll 🙌🏽 harder than you've done Sekhmet: facts are facts Sekhmet: look at her dad, Vee's... Hathor: cliches are tired and stereotypes are damaging Sekhmet: @ your white boy with the 👋 then booboo Sekhmet: I think dad's in town working today, you wanna come for dinner with us? 🥂 Hathor: he's not mine to command in or out 👅 Hathor: yeah 🍾 will help Sekhmet: I'll teach you Hathor: those twin stereotypes are damaging too, like Sekhmet: oh hush, I only tried to 💋 you ONE time and we were like babies and that boy was the first great love of my life Sekhmet: anyway, you're like hot but not my types type these days, you know Hathor: that boy was trash Hathor: you levelled up fast though Sekhmet: awh, don't be rude, I have fond memories Hathor: I have loads of him trying to ask me out at the same time Sekhmet: oh yeah Sekhmet: I forgot that happened Sekhmet: his hair was gorgeous though Hathor: it was Sekhmet: good times Sekhmet: my new guy, not this one, the actual one, looks like old school Leo, I SWEAR Hathor: Yeah? Sekhmet: like Leo and a bit of River and Ryan Philippe in Cruel Intentions Sekhmet: 🥰🥰🥰 Hathor: love of your life material Sekhmet: definitely Sekhmet: he's a trader in the city and his apartment is 😱😱😱 Hathor: what's the age range this time? Sekhmet: he's only 26, it's mad how successful he is already Hathor: he sounds like the full 🎟 Hathor: any catch? Sekhmet: only technically Hathor: technically he's a 🤖? Sekhmet: ha, he totally has the stamina of one Sekhmet: he can keep up with me, almost 😉 Hathor: 👌🏽 he's perfect Hathor: fucking hell Sekhmet: no need to be jealous when you're 🥰 yourself Sekhmet: what does he look like? Hathor: Tall enough Hathor: more like a 🥊 than a 👼🏻 Sekhmet: you really do wanna do great grandpa Sekhmet: jk, he sounds so you Hathor: he does work for the main brewery that supplies us, maybe I do Hathor: Jesus Christ Sekhmet: 😂😬 processing that Sekhmet: not really though, every boy I've ever dated has been like dad, it's unavoidable tbh 💁 Hathor: in our postcode nobody's trying very hard to be anything else Hathor: 💰💳💎🍾 Sekhmet: why would they? Hathor: they wouldn't and they aren't, it'd be terrifying for any of those boys to step out Sekhmet: 🙄 you aren't going to throw yourself down a ladder when you're at the top, babe Hathor: wouldn't kill them to give other people a hand up though, they just act like it Sekhmet: 🥱 when's your deadline? Hathor: my work's done Sekhmet: then button it, loser Sekhmet: you wanna eat out on this nice rich boy's 💳 Hathor: ETA of 15 on getting to you Hathor: you best 🚿 Sekhmet: way ahead of you 🛀 Sekhmet: door's unlocked, our breakfast will hopefully be on the table when you get here Sekhmet: love ubereats Hathor: 🙌🏽 Sekhmet: you can bring it through, the view in this bathroom is immense Sekhmet: thought getting the driver to bring it to the tub was unlikely Hathor: he probably would but it's unlikely I'd recover from walking in on it Sekhmet: 😘 Sekhmet: do fuck with an asian boy Hathor: you don't know he will be Hathor: might not even be a lad Hathor: but if it is, guarantee they'll send the most unexpected one Sekhmet: it usually is, your stereotypes be damned Hathor: what are you gonna bet? Sekhmet: the Belgian 🧇s Hathor: you're on Sekhmet: sometimes you shock me with how green you are, Hath Hathor: back to putting disrespect on me, what a nice truce while it lasted, like Sekhmet: I mean, you know I can see the driver on my app, babe Sekhmet: no points for guessing where Hassan is from Sekhmet: you can have the 🧇s anyway Hathor: you know I can read your thoughts, the playing field is level Hathor: and anyway I like green, that's my boy's eye colour Sekhmet: been gazing into them longingly across the bar have we🤭 Hathor: maybe Sekhmet: so cute Sekhmet: hope this one doesn't have a fiancee Sekhmet: or a maid who thinks we've broken in Hathor: if he does he better break that eye contact with me Sekhmet: I meant Mr Black Card, don't worry Sekhmet: he's a student, yeah? he won't be Hathor: he's only got a year on us, I don't predict an engagement Sekhmet: yeah, doubt it Hathor: outside of our family people aren't usually that extra Sekhmet: some of the asian internationals are but they usually cheat if their intended ain't here yet so Hathor: Yeah Sekhmet: what even does an engagement mean anyway Sekhmet: not much, right Hathor: a flash 💍 Hathor: what's my course teaching me if I don't know the statistics on how often a wedding follows? Hathor: shows how outdated it is Sekhmet: he gives me that anyway Hathor: I'd take a phone number and be happy with it for now Hathor: but it's probably the party and that whole flex too, right? Sekhmet: the dress Sekhmet: but it's irrelevant if it doesn't happen, like you said Hathor: 🎁🎁 even if it doesn't if people bring them for the engagement as well, but you're not going short of any Sekhmet: right Sekhmet: 😥 if you need a wedding for attention Hathor: Jay's birth mum QUAKING Sekhmet: omg I bet that's EXACTLY what his fiancee is like Hathor: does he ever speak about her? Sekhmet: obviously not Sekhmet: but she must never come up from wherever they're from because I'm like ALWAYS over so Hathor: maybe she doesn't know about this place Hathor: old school Sekhmet: Who knows Sekhmet: can't be my problem Hathor: Yours is the day you've missed, like Hathor: what's the assignment? Sekhmet: design some sportswear line Sekhmet: got to get the sketches in by 5, but all I ordered for me was a shit ton of coffee, it'll be fine Hathor: more productive if I stay or go? Sekhmet: you've already missed your date, you may as well stay Hathor: okay Hathor: am the sportier one Sekhmet: how are you 😂 Hathor: ⚽⛹🏽🚴🏽🥊 Hathor: why dad loves me more than you Sekhmet: now I know you're talking nonsense 😏 Hathor: True, he loves Vee and she never gets off her chaise Sekhmet: and she doesn't even love him back Hathor: poor dad Sekhmet: yeah Hathor: what time's dinner with him? Sekhmet: I'll ask him when he wants to go Hathor: about to come up, so whatever you were planning for Hassan, this is me Sekhmet: regrettably noted

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Real feel: mother fucking wear your gloves!!

So 36 cars all sweept in most with red Xs

19 cars altogether got pulled over

2 cars got arrested I saw one being towed away. Almost 3 did but he self soothed himself and calmed down.

My dad (uncle) came and every car left in the parking lot took off in flight.

Denise the clone also came. She can't jump stsrt a car so she expected me to wait for her then wait for a tow truck and my dad knew we were gonna get in a fight cause ita too dam cold for that and she's on her rape cycle and I refuse to get in a car with her. Because it's annoying and I don't want her feeling satisfied she can breathe the same air as me.

It's 5 minutes, 10 at most to jump. 45 minutes to wait for a man and its like 20 minutes to the store.

And i learned how to jump start without lighting the cables on fire, now. Lucas says "oh please! That's the best way!" But not really. It doesn't actually work...

I have no circulation... So I was ice cold in like 10 minutes. So it would had warmed me, tho.

But yeah dad pulls in and suddenly everyone acts like they're escaping jail.

.... I know i should just went in and stared at that super hottt clone hottie that was super super hot and stocking water... But that IS kinda creepy even if he is Just a clone... I was all driving by in my Wal-Mart wheelchair cart and I was all whoa... Is he..? Wait i gotta see l.. Because he squatted down with his hot warm balls beneath him and so I was all lets stop right here in the middle of life and discuss what's on our shopping list until he comes up from behind the pallet...

"Oh my God. Now i see why I was so in love with you William" while my heart literally leaps from my chest bounces back and goes out of rhythem while pounding through 2 shirts.

So then we laughed at my reaction for half hour

Dam he was rugged and hot...

One time I picked up William early for work and I seen him and he ducked behind some concrete shelving used to block off the street from traffic...

And oh my God...

I was walking and I seen him and I was all "oh does he loo--" and he looked at me, i swear and ducked and so i was all "well I'm gonna go see. I don't think William will mind.. Its not like i totally think hes sexy but he might be... I'll just go see... Is it William..?"

Because he was waaaay sexier at work than home... Like there it's all comfy and fun and sexy but this was outside and he looked all sparkly and God like like yum

Now he claims he saw me and saw "a woman on the prowl way too sexy to be at the job site for any work related reason" so to be safe from a kidnapping situation he decided to hide

And hide he did

I leaned over to peek and he kept hiding and hiding and asked some guys at the truck "is she gone?"

"No"

One asked "why are you hiding from your wife?"

"Man! I got one at home! Well i am engaged. Man is she crazy? Does she look it?! Fuck man! Im gonna be so busted! I need to get home! I can't get kidnapped! Fuck this!"

And my eyes got real wide and the guy at the truck just shrugged cause i was all what do i do?!?!

So i kinda jumped and leaned over real far over the cement shelving. "Well HI!!"

I was gonna ask him if he thought i was a psycho bitch then to my face but i slid on the plastic and unfortunately I was wearing a shorter dress than usual.

So he stood up "ma'am I'm just checking the paperwork ill be right back" and ducked again.

"Baby! Uh hi! Baby I don't want to yell but I think i just showed everyone my thong!!"

"What?! Okay i have to finish the uhh paperwork. Man my wife ain't even here shes at home finishing up supper or something"

"Uhm baby! There's a lot of men here which one do you want me to go home with?!"

"Uh any!! Just not me!!"

Mind you everyone is looking at me and him and listening. This is outta control and m6 husband does not say that shit to me, i tried being solid now it was fight time. So i leaned over the other end of the cement wall he loved more than me and lowered my voice "hey psst yeah. Psst William man that crazy bitch is gone now. Jump in the truck and we will take you home!!"

"Really?!?!" He lowered the clipboard he hid behind. "Oh... No.., see.., no i got a ride already!"

"Yeah with me you dumb goon"

"No in here see!" And he jumped in the back of the truck. "I finished the paperwork. Alright let's go!"

So i started to walk over and he jumped way far back in the truck

"Can you please help me? Are you the one i called?" I asked the guy laughing painfully through the whole ordeal.

He looked me up and down real hard "you sure you dont want me to take yoh home?!"

"Am i even at the right construction site?!?!"

"Yes you are. Here hand him this piece of paper." Then he yelled over "HEY WILL she called a little before lunch and left a note and asked if it was alright if she came up and surprised you and i said yeah.. I didn't know you would go a little crazy..."

"She ain't my wife!! Shes too sexy!"

"WHAT??? IM GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!!! IM FUCKING COMING UP THERE YOU BETTER GET DOWN!"

"No fuck you bi-atch!!! Wait... Honey? Is that you? I recognize your fingernail because you smashed it the other day"

"Oh it's alright. Just come down" i pleaded.

"With the hammer..." He began walking towards me "let me see it" he looked at it. "Miiiiike if you ever do that again I'm beating the shit out of you." And he sat at the end of the tail gate "well i already got a ride home, with him."

"Okay fine"

"Wait let me see what you have in your hand. These are our keys!! These are mine you're not having them and not allowed in my house Like that... Dressed like a... A... Skank!!"

"Well what do you want me to do? Stay here and get gang raped?!"

"Jesus Christ okay babe prove to me you're my wife"

"Okay fine but don't tell me your sorry" i went around the truck and took off my panties wadded them up and stuffed them in his hand "they're your favorite"

"Yeah but everyone knows that!"

"Who do you tell? Who the fuck do you tell about your favorite panties?!" Like im beyond mad. And I am yelling.

"Yeah well where did you get that dress?! Whose money did you use to buy it??! Hmm?"

"Ive had enough of me" i tried to get MY csr keys back and he wouldn't let me take them "being mother fucking nice to you" he was stronger than me So i tried to armpit trick

"Fuck you being mean to me! Come here!"

"You'll tear my dress! No! My shoe!"

"I think she's really upset at me. I think I've upset her" I bent to fix my shoe and my dress didn't cover ... Anything... Back there. "Hey quit it will you?!"

"Just give me back the key to my car and keep every thing else. Fuck it. Im tired of you anyway. I cook i clean and i come to surprise you and this is what i get and I REFUSE TO CRY HERE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE SO GIVE ME BACK MY SHIT!!!" and i threw the paperwork in his face and busted his nose.

"I,understand you're my baby but did you need to hit me in the face and make my nose bleed?" He said calmly snd slowly

"Youre not bleeding, oh yeah you are. Use the panties"

So this bastard stands up in the back of the truck with my panties to his face and says "Hey Everyone, I'd Like You To Meet My Wife!"

"We've seen a whole lot of her already"

I turn around and there's not 5 or 6 guys anymore. There's 30.

"Oh shit" and I pull my dress down. "Can we just leave?! Please?!?"

"Yeah!! Lets go!!"

So he picked me up and rushes to the car with me and a bunch of dudes come around the corner and i tell him to put me down cause I can feel his hand on my bare ass.

So hes all "goddang it why did you dress so sultry?!"

"For my husband!!! who is apparently a God dang Ass Hole!!!!!!! when hes at work!!"

"Oh honey i didn't mean anything by---"

"Come on let's go!!!" As we rush around the corner there's like 50 construction workers staring hard. "I am never doing this again!!"

"Why?!"

"Hurry and please open the door!!" He reached across and unlocked it

I covered my face with my hands "oh my god oh no you're insane!"

"What? What are you saying to me?!"

"Don't you know you have PTSD? Male trauma? Because I Didnt!!"

"Well yeah I was kidnapped when i was like five!!"

"But you didn't even know me!?!"

"You never wear makeup and not dresses that short!"

"I do all the time!! I walk around partially naked all the time!!!" I looked at traffic "its just the lipstick here let me wipe it off"

"Thats better you could did that at the construction site!"

"Well i just put it back on in the car and I didn't know that's why you were freaking out and going insane on me!!"

"Put it back on?! Why the Hell?!

"I ate a biscuit"

"Why did you put it on in the first place?"

"Have you seen in my caboodle? I have a ton of it! When you get home, look!!"

"Okay alright i will"

"Where are we going? I thought we would go to Tulsa"

"Not now! I gotta go home to make sure you are --- you!!! Now come on!!

"You're the one driving"

"Its my car!!"

"No! Its mine and my dad's see the registration?!?!"

"That's it I'm gonna pull over. Let me see the mole that's on your thigh"

"Its not a mole! Its a freckle!"

"Fine let me see it And you drive!!"

"Okay Okay fine I'll let you see it"

He looks "ok you're you then!"

"Who else would i be?!?"

"A clone!"

"From the freezer?!? Come on! Not me! Let me drice then!"

"You're losing your cool and you never do!"

"Omg Jesus Christ are you kidding me?!?"

"Uhm no"

"I need to start smoking pot. We need to get our own place and we do then this happens."

"Smoking pot?! Uhm no! I do not think so! Here you drive then!! You're a nervous wreck. You need control"

"No i need sex but my husband is INSANE!! I try a nice surprise to be unspoiled and then this happens!"

"Who calls you spoiled?!"

"YOU DO!!"

"Jesus Christ! Do you want a hotel?!"

"What?! No we got dishes at home. They will get me unstressed"

"HON-EY!"

"I'm getting in the back seat PULL OVER!!"

"Now I'm talking! You think i want you to come all this way to go home?"

"BACKSEAT!!!"

As soon as the back Windows fogged a truck of his co-workers drove by honking.

When we finished he said

"We are going home because you NEVER do that to Me!!"

"It was a surprise!! And no im not driving! Im staying in the back seat!"

"You NEVER do that to Me either!!!"

"Well it's a surprise!!!"

I wanna cry he upset me so much so I'm,all screaming from my throat and it sounds all shrill and out of control and hes like trying to calm me down and I don't want to be upset and feeling like life is out of control but he really showed me shit i hadn't seen and I was scared to be at home because what was next? I used a different sauce because I was pregnant and so he throws me out into the street? Barefoot and all because i look different? So i just cried myself to sleep in the back seat of my own car because I didn't know what else to do and it was the only thing i could accomplish that day,

I heard the car door open and close...

He didn't go around the other side to open and get me out... It was dark and cold already.

"There's no one upstairs. Now what do you want to do?" He sat in the car

"I'll just go to my parents. I'll come get my clothes later"

So he yanked open the car door, jumped out, threw the seat forward, yanked me out of the car, threw me over his shoulder, put his hand over my bare ass and carried me up 3 flights of stairs.

Put me in the single comfy chair we had and made dinner.

He sat on a pillow on the floor next to me and fed me.

"What are we going to do if i get pregnant and my body starts to change?"

"Ill just take pictures. I'll use my Polaroid"

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I had found out I wss pregnant that morning... Feeling sick like crazy... I took a test in the gas station bathroom. Wrapped it in my purse and went and bought a new dress and shoes and went home, took a bath did my hair and thought I had the whole day still so i should go surprise him at work and go out in Tulsa and make it special... Not days later after the whole town had to come over and seperate us from fighting cause I'm kinda crazy pregnant... And after 2 weeks of couple's therapy and he says "oh baby you're sick a lot i think you may be pregnant. You think?"

"Oh yeah i am. Check my purse."

He did take me out to Tulsa... And I was a bit sad... Because we had been through a lot since that day.. And i wanted telling him to be really special... Turned out he was.

.

.

.

I had taken Polaroid of myself that morning before i got dressed and one from the side and then one after. And wrote "oh!" "Baby!!" "Surprise!" And the date.

Cause I learned how to set the timer and take one of myself

So he went and got them abd said "okay im sorry i shouldn't yelled at you for taking naked Polaroids of your self. Now I see why you would take them. Okay?"

"I guess."

"DID I NOT APOLOGIZE RIGHT?!"

"MAYBE I DIDN'T YELL AT YOU RIGHT WHEN YOU YELLED AT ME!!"

He got up like he was fuming mad and circled me like a vulture i Put my arms up and he circled me 2x more then stopped in front of me and I put my hands on his neck

"Are we going to bed? Ill cook dinner after"

"Mmhmmm I'll help!"

[punkscowardschampions]

Janis & Grace

Janis: Well, that was a laugh and a half Janis: do you actually want any drink or, anything else you can't get Grace: I'm not even going so no thanks Janis: Really Grace: they can drag me while I'm in the comfort of my room with my makeup fridge and hair wand just as easily Grace: I literally don't need to subject myself to camping Janis: Like you said, you actually wanted to go, they don't, you're really gonna bow out now Grace: & now I also don't obvs Janis: So you roll over again, yeah? Grace: excuse you Grace: I'm not sorry for not wanting to share a tent with Mia and Ella when they're like in love with each other or something Janis: 🙄 It's bullshit, Grace Janis: you aren't going to be in the bloody tent for any amount of time, it's a music festival, remember Grace: sure but I'm gonna have to be in the car forever and that's with you two so Janis: That's nice Janis: and it sounds like Asia might be too, or the other one Grace: yeah like you're so buzzing about it, babes Janis: I'll survive Janis: seriously, you can't not go, let them win Janis: that whole convo was depressing enough without her getting everything she wants, like Grace: I'm not you, I don't just do things cos other people don't want me to Janis: so spend another weekend moping when you could be doing something Grace: like she won't make sure I'm having the WORST time if I go Janis: like she doesn't make sure you're having the worst time always? Janis: fuck all different, is it Grace: it's not always like that Janis: sure Grace: it's not Grace: & it's your fault it is now Grace: idk why you had to start hanging out with us, you've sent her into the BIGGEST spiral literally ever Janis: yeah, would be my fault, 'course Janis: not obvious that she can't stand any of you unless you're doing exactly what she wants when she wants it Grace: it is your fault though! there's no way you wanna go to some lame music festival with any of us Grace: I'm not stupid Janis: What possible pleasure could I derive from any of this if not the joy of our company Janis: do tell Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: Seriously Janis: I'm not one of your friends, not that underhand and it's not that deep Grace: You're not being at all serious thanks Janis: how am I not Grace: Oh please Grace: literally not in the mood so Janis: yeah, I heard Janis: if you're so aggy she makes you look like a cunt, then stop playing into her hands every time Janis: she doesn't want to go, if you all jump ship, so can she Janis: it isn't difficult Grace: Duh Grace: but I'm the only one who isn't going so she has to Janis: Are you sure you're not stupid Janis: are you listening Grace: It's totally obvs that you think I am, babes Grace: we don't even need to do this Janis: do what Grace: have any kind of convo Janis: yeah, you left your manners at the door but since you've proved you're a total pussy in that convo it's falling a bit flat now Grace: okay Janis: Jesus, how are you such a doormat for someone when you're not even first choice Janis: sort it out Grace: Literally didn't ask for your sisterly advice Janis: well you need it Janis: state of that, abysmal, seriously Grace: can you just stop Janis: can you Janis: a better fucking question Grace: obvs not Janis: Christ Grace: It literally doesn't effect you if I do or don't go Grace: get over it Janis: it effects me you being a fucking joke Grace: no more than usual Janis: Fine Grace: 👋💜 then Janis: don't throw that at me Janis: not one of your 'mates' Grace: you wanted me to have some manners, hun Grace: but fine Janis: yeah, and that ain't it Janis: we've all seen how you use emojis Janis: passive aggression is still the latter, you're just being a wimp with it Grace: I'm not her, excuse you Grace: if I were, all this drama wouldn't be happening rn Janis: Don't pretend you mean half the shit you say Janis: your storytimes are more believable Grace: RUDE Janis: generous Grace: you're my sister, I mean what I say to you Janis: that's why you don't say shit Grace: ugh Janis: go on then, what are you gonna do with your weekend instead Grace: 🤷 boys have their uses Janis: yeah, that's a plan Grace: again, didn't ask Janis: no, I did, that's how a conversation works Janis: that's not even your idea, it's Asia's Janis: you're really going to her for the 🔥💡 are you Grace: 🙄🙄 Grace: cos going to the festival is such a 🔥💡 Janis: Yeah, that's why it's ticketed Janis: won't need to douche with bleach after either, best of both worlds Grace: EW Janis: yeah yeah Janis: are you really gonna leave Asia alone with those two Grace: UM you could read how quickly she turned on Hollie Grace: price of a spray tan and some acrylics Janis: She's thick Janis: you all want Mia to love you as bad as each other, at least being stupid is a valid excuse for that kind of behaviour Grace: me too, right? Janis: You going to say you don't? Grace: I'm not gay any more than you are, thank you Janis: 🙄🙄 Grace: I would love to know who she's planning to invite but not cos I'm 💔😍😍 Janis: I know Janis: but doubt it'll happen, or she has the bottle to Grace: you don't have any exes do you? Janis: loads Grace: I'm being serious Janis: so am I Grace: you are NOT Janis: and you'd know, how Janis: don't ask questions when you reckon you know the answers Grace: I'd know cos everyone else would if there were loads Grace: you'd be called everything I am, duh Janis: I'm better at keeping my life private Grace: well again, duh Janis: not hard Janis: so not 💔 Grace: I was just wondering if that was who she was bringing Grace: she's really as obsessed with you as you think any of us are about her Janis: I told you, I already know who it is Janis: and I don't need to think hard on that Grace: as if you're not gonna tell me who it is Janis: not anyone exciting Janis: or gonna happen, like I said Janis: now they've got Asia back, only need to win 'round whatserface too and the car is full again Grace: 🤷 Grace: maybe Ella's seat will be free for her mystery date, if Hollie spilt anything dramatic enough Janis: and lose her loyalest pet Janis: you're all just playing musical chairs Grace: it's happened before Janis: yeah, and like I said, musical chairs Janis: fuck all changes Janis: you're all still 'friends' whatever the dynamic you reckon Janis: her>you Grace: & like I've said repeatedly since you started hanging out with us why are you 'friends' with any of them now? Janis: why'd ya think Grace: why won't you just tell me? Janis: why would I Grace: UM maybe cos you've been shading me constantly for not standing up to them & you're inviting them all to festivals and joining us on sleepovers like they're your new besties Janis: come on, it ain't hard Grace: so say it Janis: it's different 'cos I don't care about them or what they've got to say Janis: and I'd tell 'em the same so you can go ahead if that's your plan or whatever Janis: like I said, not that deep Grace: I don't have a plan Grace: obvs I'm the only one who doesn't rn Janis: obviously Janis: have you ever met your mates Grace: Why can't you just go back to hating me and them from afar or whatever? Grace: you're ruining everything Janis: yeah Janis: you was well solid before this Janis: I didn't have to do shit, that's the truth Janis: I didn't say anything in that entire convo Grace: you literally know you don't have to Grace: she's mad at me for being your sister Grace: which I didn't even ask for Janis: 💔 Janis: such a good friend Janis: get a grip and say you aren't obsessed with her again, like Grace: forget it Janis: mhmm Grace: have fun at the stupid festival Janis: Honestly, Grace, grow up Grace: yeah cos game playing is SO mature Janis: Like you said, I literally don't have to Grace: No, you've just been telling me to instead Janis: 'cos what you're doing and always do now is??? Janis: you play to lose, that's the only difference Grace: I'm not playing is the difference Grace: like this is my actual life Janis: Hardly Grace: 👌👌 Janis: have fun dancing to Mia's beat, as always Grace: I'm literally not, thanks to you, babes Janis: bollocks aren't you Grace: lacking a colour co-ordinated 💅 rn so Janis: yeah, to punish you, so you do what she knows you'll do Janis: cry in your bedroom Janis: then she won't be feeling it, 'cos you and Holly are marding so the three amigos will doss about hers taking selfies instead Janis: I told you, it's fucking obvious what her plan was, and it'll be all your fault 'cos they were well up for it Grace: UGH Grace: I'm not stupid, okay? Grace: not THAT stupid anyway Grace: I know Janis: so do something about it Janis: or are you really that fucked up you can't wait to make it all up to them Grace: Shut up, no Janis: then come, convince your mate to come, and have a good time Janis: fucking hell, is it so hard Grace: It won't be a good time though, will it? Grace: it's fine for you, you won't be sharing a tent or anything else with her Grace: just your boyfriend Janis: yeah, 'cos as mentioned, love spending time with you lot Janis: do it to spite her, there's plenty of distraction Janis: not to mention plenty of tents in our loft if you literally can't stand the sight of her Grace: oh she'd love that, me covered in 🕷 Grace: if I go I obvs have to share a tent with her and be so unaffected duh Janis: bring good headphones Janis: decent shout anyway Grace: if Asia's bf decides to show up yeah Grace: UGH Janis: or Mia's Janis: #2s 😭 obvs Grace: well now I'm like so torn cos I want Ella to be 💔 but I don't want Mia to invite whoever the hell Grace: do I make sure the car is too full or not? 🤔🤔 Janis: not like she'd have him stay anyway Janis: probably come for the saturday night Janis: didn't like have any boys around her when she 😴 Janis: never mind one she's fucking/wants to Grace: PLEASE tell me who it is Janis: 😂 why does it matter who her latest fucktoy is Grace: cos she doesn't want me to know Janis: you think he's gonna be like well ugly then yeah Grace: you don't understand, she ALWAYS wants me to know Grace: so if she doesn't Grace: it's worse than ugly Janis: you'll see if she's not bullshitting, won't you Janis: tents aren't that private Grace: OMG Janis Grace: I'll come if you tell me Janis: 😏 you can't bribe me Janis: might be wrong, anyway but doubt it Grace: fine, I'll do everything I can while we're there to annoy Mia if you tell me Janis: swear on your life Grace: you don't place any value on my life, babes Grace: but I swear on the contents of my make up fridge that you're basically forcing me to leave behind, sure Janis: we aren't even getting into the stupidity of that rn Janis: do you see them keeping makeup in shops in fridges? no, you know why? 'cos you're gonna put it on your face, you donut Janis: [sends Harry's deets] Janis: obvs she wants to ride him too but Jim got into a fight with him so that's why she's being sly Grace: in shops they don't want it to have a long shelf life or work well cos then you'll buy more, DUH Grace: OMG I've literally hooked up with the other boy in his profile pic, that's so awkward Janis: Gross Grace: yeah he so was Grace: I see why she was encouraging me to now though Janis: Grosser still Janis: you know that's called prostitution, yeah Grace: excuse you Grace: he didn't even pay for my uber, thank you Janis: you don't get paid, your pimp does, idiot Grace: she's not my Grace: GROSS Janis: your friendship is so fucking twisted Grace: stop dragging me for like one second Grace: how recent of an ex of yours is he? Janis: it's only 50% you Janis: and what are you on about Grace: girl code Grace: even if you are only fake friends Janis: I don't need to invoke the sacred and ancient girl code, you're alright Grace: do you wanna ruin her life or just mine? 🙄🙄 Janis: I reckon she's frustrated enough Janis: I really don't care if she adds another body to her count, tbh Grace: your boyfriend obvs cares, unless he fought him for a different reason Grace: like his tragic pic captions Janis: could be Janis: very serious about that sort of thing Grace: hipsters always are, babes Janis: this from the girl who drafts all her posts so they really pop Janis: meant to be, clearly Grace: 🤫🤫🤫🤫 Janis: your #influencer secrets are safe with me Janis: mostly because idgaf Grace: ILY too hun Janis: yeah yeah Janis: if he does come, how can we fuck her over Janis: without 'girl code' Grace: I'd offer to hook up with him before she can but I'm not going anywhere you've ever Grace: I'd have to kms Janis: remember what we talked about Janis: prostitution is never the answer Janis: fuck it, I'll think of something Grace: he won't come Grace: I can tell by his feed Janis: meaning? Grace: I'm stupid but I understand boys Grace: the type he is and the type he isn't Janis: very philosophical, babe Janis: but I meant literally Grace: literally he's not gonna show up for her like that Janis: maybe not Grace: & if he knows you're there, which he can't not Janis: not everyone avoids me like the plague, cheers Grace: Duh, I mean if he showed up she can't be sure it's for her Grace: she'd hate that Janis: she'd put up with it to fuck me over though Grace: yeah but is he gonna put up with the possibility that barista boy wins another fight, I doubt it Janis: true Janis: 🤞 Grace: all he has is what he fronts, obvs Grace: it's a totally stupid risk and for what? you're not gonna hook up with him again Janis: he is totally stupid Janis: if his feed isn't giving that away 🔮 Grace: it is Grace: but like Grace: he won't come Janis: Poor Mia Grace: literally never say that again it's too weird Janis: but she'll be 💔 I'm not Grace: she'd need a 💜 Janis: same here Janis: 🤫🤫🤫🤫 Grace: Oh please Grace: you're so 😍😍😍 it's gross Janis: shut up or I'll bombard you with green emojis Grace: wtf was that Grace: 🙄 Janis: was amusing, give you that Janis: but don't reckon much to any of your debate skills Grace: thanks Grace: I swear Mia was a totally different person before Ella moved here, so not even fair that you get barista boy and we get her tbh Janis: that's what a 💀 pact will do to you Grace: it's not funny Janis: not gonna cry for every girl that wants to starve herself Grace: yeah you'd need emotions that aren't 😍🤤 & 😒😠 Janis: and why would I want that Grace: 🙄🤷 Janis: yeah, seems a right laugh Janis: get on it asap Grace: sure Janis: 👋 k, toodles Grace: ugh don't even Janis: 😂 Grace: Iggy's taking us Janis: ugh Janis: alright Grace: IKR but I'm so glad it's not dad Janis: have to hitchhike if it was Grace: we could casually leave all Mia's stuff behind if we were though 😂 Janis: still time Grace: & I obvs need the exercise cos I'm SO JEALOUS of how Ella looks Janis: wouldn't be enough even if the festival was in the south pole, babes Grace: okay thanks for joining in on giving me a freakout now that I am going Janis: shut up 🙄 Grace: yeah obvs have to go have that freakout sooo Janis: if you wanna look like you're dying, go 'head and start killing yourself Janis: nothing goals about it is there Grace: I don't have to wanna look like her to not wanna look like THIS Janis: like what Janis: a normal person Grace: like do not Janis: 🤷 Janis: whatever Grace: UM no we're not fake friends Grace: so you can stop Janis: I'm really not saying anything though Grace: 👌👌 Janis: see you tomorrow then Grace: yeah