#anyways don’t drag me into more discourse my tags are a venting space and i dont want to talk to most of this unhinged ass fandom

[zevlors-tail]

im so sorry people have been so cruel to you its disgusting that people think its okay to talk to anyone like this but especially someone who is quite open about their struggles i'll be sad to see you go i always enjoyed seeing you around but i hope it helps you feel better your comfort is the most important thing <3

Thanks, anon. I appreciate that. I might just archive the blog tbh. I feel a lot more calm than last night, so I'm trying to be rational about it, but unfortunately this isn't the first time I've been sent nasty shit like that. Generally I do not enjoy being here anymore. More of an explanation under the cut but please do not feel obligated to reply or like you have to say anything, I just wanted to put this out here.

If i'm being completely honest, right now tumblr feels like that toxic ex that you just don't want to let go of. I cried over this decision, mulled over it, really tossed it around in my brain before coming to this conclusion, and I think it's what's best. I don't want to leave, but staying here has not helped me in any way.

Then again, I still feel like I'm overreacting...idk. I'll figure things out eventually, I guess. Maybe I should give it some more time. I realized this morning there's a lot of progress on this blog and I don't want to completely destroy all of it...all of my personalized tags, all the stuff I've reblogged, author recs, reading recs, my favorite pieces...that's a lot to just toss away and start fresh.

And my friends. I've had so many good conversations lately with people and was just beginning to feel like I was getting a grip on keeping up with messages and tagging them in things and sending friendly asks. It's hard too because I always have this fear that I'm annoying people with how much I post, that anyone who sees me on the dash or in their ask box is just like, "Ugh, they're so annoying. I wish they would just stop trying to have conversations with me but I'm not going to tell them that because I don't want to hurt their feelings or look bad."

AND I KNOW THAT'S IRRATIONAL. I KNOW that's probably not even CLOSE to the truth. But I can't help but think that and then when anons send me hate it feels like that's being affirmed. I've been better about it lately, I remind myself it's not true and that it's just some words, but the truth of the matter is that it's still bullying and harassment, and what people say directly about someone else matters. I feel like I just lost weeks of progress with my self image and positive affirmations. And yeah, I can build it back up, but no one should have attacked it in the first place.

And it both pisses me off and freaks me out that it was probably someone who follows me. How can you follow a blog like mine, where I'm so open and honest about how I'm feeling, where I vent all the time about my personal struggles and try to encourage vulnerability and make it a safe space, and then send something like that? I suppose it could have just been a random anon who went through the discourse tag or the other trigger tag in the post, but it's not like I tagged that post with fandom related tags. It's not like it had anything other than the trigger tags. And it was so quick too...like literally 30 seconds after I posted it.

If I EVER catch a follower or a mutual doing that shit, I WILL drag you through the fucking mud and out your sorry ass. I don't normally jump on call out posts, I don't like them, and I don't make them or reblog them most of the time- but THAT is the one exception I will make.

Anyways. I think I definitely overreacted last night and I need some more time to cool off and collect myself. I don't feel good. I do appreciate and love you guys for supporting me and giving me so much kindness, so thank you for that.

<3