#anyway. I NEED TO BE AT A CON. it's been a year and im still living off the high of brandon touching my shoulder in germany

[carcarrot]

i guess im being offered the job lol

[ghoodles]

Oh! I watched the ghovie on thursday, i forgot to say it

My mom went with me as well because of the rating, she liked it! This isnt exactly spoiler-y because im just talking about ghouls n ghosts as a whole but

- She pointed out that she liked phantom, dew, and rain, as well as cirrus and mountain

- Her favorite song of the movie was Dance Macabre (i showed her some ghost songs a while back, she also likes Miasma and Square hammer [Ceremony and Devotion])

- Believed copia's mask was just makeup and was baffled when i told her it wasnt

- The day after i told her about dew's bloody guitar incident and she thought it was cool, although commented on how it was a bit dramatic that he smeared it on a setlist that he gave out (from what ive heard)

[coldflasher]

should noooot have dug out my con scrapbook again cos now im in such a convention-y mood... spent all afternoon looking up different cons and their guest lists. brandon routh is gonna be at liverpool comic con in november and that is so close to me that it just seems rude not to go... 👀

[phagodyke]

so sweaty at work its actually revolting

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

[fabdante]

my first piece colored for the @zutaracoloringbook !

the lines were done in clip studio paint, the color in marker, colored pencil, gel pen, and paint pen. with some minor digital touch ups after scanning.

you can color this piece for yourself for free! it's in this years @zutaracoloringbook , go pick yourself up a copy! there's tons of beautiful pieces in it including this one, all for free!

under the cut, for anyone interested, im going to ramble a lot about the process of this one because i just have a lot of thoughts asdfghjk the tldr is: this is not at all how i expected this piece to look, i fell asleep working on it at one point which is just wild to me, and 'ooo pretty colors'

i've sat on this one for a little bit and im still not sure how i feel about it? i like it but it's also not at all how i expected the color for this piece to look asdfghj

i originally thought the palette would be darker but after printing the piece i realized, given the lines were not as dark as they would have been if they'd been drawn traditionally, that i'd drown out the lines with that color scheme.

i also made a lot of little mistakes ranging from using colors darker then i wanted for shading to at one point Literally Falling Asleep While Coloring With Black Marker, thus leaving a black spot on the page that I then had to work around.

the paper also was a double edged sword. i did not print on marker paper or artist paper, which usually is not an issue with me. i know most marker artists will strangle me for saying this, but i have never drawn on marker paper? like ever? i taught myself how to use marker on mixed media paper and i have rarely used marker paper since. i've just never felt a need? contrary to what people have said, i've never seen any like abnormal wear and tear on my markers doing this and i, personally, just accept that markers are going to bleed. it's not my enemy it's just part of the medium. it's what markers do. they're a wet medium even on paper made for wet mediums they will bleed out and often bleed through a little bit. i learned how to work around that and use it to my advantage. this paper however, the markers didn't bleed at all? and they dried so fast it made maintaining an even texture and blending like i normally do a challenge. it just didn't have a lot of give? HOWEVER the color pay off was CRAZY like the colors are so vivid and bright and rich. like, i made my own color chart for my markers on index cards and then i would often test the colors on scrap paper of the same paper to confirm what the colors going to look like but when i would use colors on the piece itself they were always darker, richer, brighter, and just all around way more vivid. which makes the piece very nice to look at, admittedly asdfghjk. so paper pros: fantastic color pay off like crazy color pay off, paper cons: I Don't Know How To Blend.

for anyone wondering why i didn't print on marker paper: firstly, i don't have any this size. secondly, marker paper tends to be pretty thick and not super malleable so i didn't think it'd be safe for my printer. likewise, i didn't think any of my other paper would be either. so i decided to do what i did last year which was use a fancy paper stock i had that was printer safe for my printer paper so it's not just regular thin computer paper.

some of these technical issues i blame on being out of practice, i haven't worked in marker for a minute and this piece involving such large scale blending was a bit ambitious especially on unfamiliar paper (learning how to blend with markers i find is just a lot of practice with your particular markers to know how they behave while also knowing your paper). but im also just confused because i feel like the paper behaved better when i used it last year and with my self portraits asdfghj im wondering if i just printed this on the wrong side? more testing is in order before i work on my next two pieces dfghjklfghjk

so, anyway, i might try to color this one again because i don't know how satisfied i am with it. like, i like it, but also it just doesn't feel correct. i might do it digitally or i might do it traditionally, we'll see. but im not going to try again until i finish the other two i need to color. i think this stems from the fact that i just feel like the palette was meant to be different then the one i ended up with so it just still feels incomplete to me. we'll see how i feel, though, when i finish the other two.

anyway, if anyone read all of that, thank you for coming to my ted talk.

[ev3rm0re-q]

study nights.

desc: you have a hard time trying to get taehyun's attention as he tries to study and accomplish his physics homework.

pairing: taehyun x shy reader

genre: fluff

warning/s: nonee

wc: 1,548 words

a/n: bro he looks SOO fine in these pictures i canttt. anyway, im so sorry for being so ia huhu but i j wanted to thank everyone for all the support the first post has been getting <33 i want to reply to the comments but im so bad at simply interacting with others that im scared to sound awkward kjdfnajkd. ik this is another fluff but i swear ive been working on a muchh longer fic that i wannna post soon, so stay tuned and i hope u guys enjoy this one first!!

Only the scribbling of words on some papers and the sound of typing on a keyboard could be heard in Kai and Taehyun's shared room as the two of you went about with your own separate activities.

Kai, his roommate, was currently in the living area with the other boys, given that he didn't want to interrupt you two during your time alone. Which was a bit of a wasted effort considering Taehyun seemed to be using it more for his solo study time. 

At the moment, your boyfriend was devoting his utmost attention to his academics, with different papers and books systematically scattered all around the small study desk. His favorite pen on hand for extra notes, and he had a laptop propped up by a stand, followed by a Bluetooth keyboard on which he was currently typing his heart out.

You, on the other hand, were sat timidly on his bed with a good novel pressed against your nose. You did not wish to disrupt the boy because you knew how serious he was about his studies.

He had been trying to complete an extremely difficult homework for his Physics class, and because you didn't choose that as one of your classes for the year, you'd have no idea how much pain and suffering he'd have to endure in that class.

Like he was even going to suffer with that Professor Kim around.

Taehyun was very academically inclined, and as a result of the way he behaved himself, participated in class, and excelled in all of the work given to him, he often became the teachers' favorite student.

You could not help but admire your boyfriend for it. He truly possessed a lot of exceptional qualities.

Though your relationship was not as fresh as it used to be―you both being together for eight months long―you could not help but let your bashful manners take over when it came to situations like these.

You'd always been a shy and reserved kid who couldn't seem to take a stand for what you wanted in public interactions.

Of course, you could still converse with strangers when they needed directions and whatnot, but you never bothered to join large gatherings or tried to blend in with the other kids because you felt it was pointless and time-consuming. Basically being the opposite of Yeonjun... but you were still close friends with him.

Which is why you've often questioned how you managed to catch the attention of the extroverted boy sitting at the desk across from you. Maybe it was the random exchanges in the hallways- or you being well-acquainted with the rest of the boys.

Who knows?

You were just thankful that someone saw something special in you.

You looked up from your novel, expecting him to be almost finished with what he was doing and offer you some of his attention. Instead, you were disappointed to see that he remained deeply absorbed in his study. His focused gaze visible in his dark-brown eyes.

Because of this, you began to wonder if approaching him for attention was even a good idea. You decided to move a bit forward from your position until you were directly behind him, sitting on the edge of the bed.

For the following thirty minutes, you continued to silently read as he worked, giving him subtle hints that you wanted him to at least feel your presence from right behind him and take a glance at you.

"Tae?" You murmured out softly, unsure whether you wanted him to actually hear you or not.

He continued to focus solely on his work as he hummed out in response, "Hm?"

"How's your worksheet going?" You awkwardly questioned.

"Pretty rough, if I'm being honest. Why, love?"

"I-uhh just wanted to make sure you were doing alright." You uttered out before going back to your book.

Another hour had soon passed, and his prior hyper radar focus appeared to have cooled down to a more relaxed state as he progressed more with finishing his homework.

You were finding it difficult to concentrate on the task at hand because of the guys' occasional loud noise s outside, which was beginning to increase.

"You know, if you needed my attention, you could have just said so," He suddenly stated, out of the blue, eyes still glued to his screen.

"Huh?" You let out, not expecting him to even notice what you've been doing the whole time he was so immersed in his work.

"You heard me, love." He turned his chair around to finally look at you after hours of having his full attention on his homework.

"I'm not needy for your attention." you sneered, not wanting to appear 'needy' to him.

You hated that word. Needy. You were particularly insecure over having that trait in your relationship. You wished to prove to your boyfriend that you were just as responsible and self-sufficient as he had always been.

You frequently walked yourself home from school and even took precautions as to avoid spending too much time with him by only seeing him once or twice a week or texting him a lot but not too much to bother him. 

Even while you were out with all of your friends, you took care to keep your proximity to him to a minimum so as not to overly suffocate him. It was a pretty big deal to you.

"So you wouldn't mind if I keep going until Soobin calls us for dinner?" 

"Not at all." Your stubbornness took over as your y/e/c eyes never left the book.

So he continued studying for another couple of minutes and you were getting more impatient by the second. 'I fucked up.' you thought, remembering how much Taehyun truly sticks to his word.

You slowly started to fidget with the corners of the pages of your book, looking over your phone every now and then to try and find something to entertain you. Until, you finally broke. You stood up from the bed and headed over to where he sat to place your hands on his broad shoulders.

"Honey~" you called him out and him just humming back again in response.

Actually, he had finished the entirety of his worksheet a few minutes before. He was just pretending to do work to simply get a reaction out of you. The boy only wanted you to get over the shyness you still had, at least a bit, whenever you sought his attention or desired affection. To at least voice it out to him.

You spoke his name out once more, but he simply responded with another hum, seemed to barely acknowledge your calls.

"Can we... you know.."

"Huh?" His eyes still glued onto the PowerPoint he was currently 'studying'.

"...cuddle" You barely whispered out, not even sure if anyone could have heard what you just said.

"Excuse me... can we what, darling?" He teasingly replied.

As soon as you realized he was merely doing it to playfully taunt you, your stubborness resurfaced.  

"You know what, never mind." You immediately took your hands off of his shoulders, backing out of your previous statement and started to walk back to his bed.

You suddenly heard another loud squeal come from the living room, it was probably Yeonjun teasing Kai again. That's when the idea popped into your head. You started making a beeline for the door, trying to leave without muttering another word to your boyfriend.

"What do you think you're doing?" His eyes left the screen in front of him.

"Well, I figured the rest of the boys were just playing around outside, and since you're busy, I figured I could just get extra cuddles from Kai or Beomgyu, or something." You blurted, your novel still safely stored in your hand, as you inched closer to the door.

You then felt a soft hand grab your empty one, swiftly pulling you back. Your body was tenderly encircled by familiar arms from behind, and you felt his body's warmth envelop yours as his head rested on your shoulder.

"Just say it, please." You heard him barely mumbling it into your shoulder.

"Say that you want my attention. That you want me." He practically begged into your ear.

Since he was so close to you, you stammered out "I-I" as you felt his hot breath brush up against your neck like a feather.

"You don't have to look for it from other people, Y/N. I'm here." He reassured you before slowly guiding you back towards his bed.

You two simply lay there together as you gazed into his large, dark-brown eyes that nearly had the appearance of dark pearls. As he was witnessing your open gawking at him, he couldn't help but let out a soft giggle. 

"Why are you laughing so much." You pouted as he continued to tease you.

"I don't know, honestly. I just can't help the fact that I find you pretty cute." He remarked.

"Ugh, you're such a tease Kang Taehyun."

He then brought you in even closer before sealing the already little space between you with a gentle but hungry kiss.

--

"Were you really going to ask for cuddles from Beomgyu?"

"I think you missed the part where I also said Kai."

End.

[freefolkfightorflight]

Im so pro body positive. I love myself. I love my body.

I’ve even had to relearn how to love my body with the weight gain recently (the past 1-2 years). But i don’t really see this being talked about. The cons of weight gain OUTSIDE of science and diabetes and high blood pressure…at least I haven’t read these things in any circulating article on body positivity. I realize doctors will blame everything on weight gain or being a woman. But anyways here you go. TMI times infinity:

New to me things Re: Weight Gain:

Pain: Let’s talk about how bad getting fat fucking hurts. My weight gain has been slow but recently it kinda spiked. So maybe I will eventually get used to being this heavy and carrying ME around. I’m not sure. I don’t even want to find out

Mobility: It’s affecting my mobility. Like it hurts so bad to just sit up. Walk around. So much pain holy shit.

Flexibility: lol at bending over if I drop something…Not without causing a scene or making horrible pain noises.

Feet: my foot grew at least half a size, so new shoes. And width. Like. Also ankle/feet swelling after work.

Ass: And then there’s the fact that it’s almost scientifically impossible for my to reach and wipe my own ass. I do. But it’s a struggle. And HURTS to try and reach around. (I use a squeezee bottle to clean mostly but still). Even harder is showering and trying to reach back there. Like. I’m so embarrassed. I swear I’m not dirty but just taking notice.

Driving: Buckling seatbelts has become a new struggle and it barely fits.

Shame: Over all these things. Over preventive shit like the high blood pressure and diabetes (I don’t have it yet but still). Over not being able to control my weight like most of the people I know.

Regret?: I’m on tons of psych meds bc I was abused my entire fucking life. So now that I don’t want to die… I’m fat and in pain which is stressful and depressing and challenging✨

Anyways.

I have a doctors appointment in August for a physical/pap etc and I plan to discuss my options re weight loss…since I’m not able to do this on my own. I’m embarrassed about it. But this is where I’m at right now and all I can do it ask for help and try my best.

Fín

Ps. I have a boyfriend who is very positive about my body and makes me feel beautiful and sexy and desired, I’m just at a point where it hurts to just exist and I need to lose some damn weight.

[gamblersdoll]

PUT MY NAME ON IT, NOW IT DESIGNER. 1

New message!

“girl you gon call me or what?”

it made you roll your eyes. hakari always didnt like if you didnt respond right away, assuming something was wrong and you were in trouble or mad at him, that was a pro and con of him.

you started typing, making sure to turn off the notifications or sounds coming from your phone. you would occasionally look up to see your current boyfriend, sinji, still focused on the damn game… like always.

you readjusted your bonnet, finally pressing send.

Message sent!

“what do you want? cant call rn.”

you felt your heart drop to your ass when he immediately started typing, fucking creep. you couldnt call him– not with sinji right infront of you and not to hakari. the hell could he possibly want at … eleven thirty-two at night?

New message!

“ite, but call me l8tr.”

yeah, absolutely not.

. . . . .

maybe you shouldve called him, because for the past two days he had called you and only to have seventeen voicemails from him. if you had given him a chance you wouldve found it as a turn on. but knowing history, history.

“so, did cha call him?” maki asked, leaning in close to you. you never know why she asks even if she doesnt like hakari. but she could be very nosey.

“uh oh, boy drama!” gojo chimed, “well— whats his naaameee?” that damn idiot satoru.

you tuned everything out, only having to be pestered by he himself. you shut down your phone, needing a break from it anyway. you owned your own apartment, which was good, until it wasnt. you walked in to only see your boyfriend had left, which was fortunate and unfortunate, knowing sinji had only came over cause you had the good wifi and food. so you debated, call or not? you finally said fuck it. powering your phone back on and then taking a shower to relax first.

the hot water running down your hair and skin was always what relaxed you the most, nerves going away and settling until you prepared yourself for the worse and hoped for the best. throwing on a old oversized shirt and hopping into the bed, you pressed the call button.

ring!

ring!

you heard shuffling and bassbooted music in the back, and somewhat of yelling.

“look who’s pretty ass decided to call me.” hakari always called you pretty. no matter if you were throwing up or throwing a tantrum, as he would call it, no matter what.

“you said you wanted to talk, so talk.” you held a straight face, only trying to fight away the memories of what used to be your relationship.

“ill assume you heard about me dropping out and being some gambler or whatever, havent you mama?” he chuckled, waiting for you.

“sure, and dont call me mama, i have a whole—“ he interrupted you.

“yeah yeah yeah, your lil’ boyfriend or something.” he finished for you, immediately growing annoyed at the thought of you being with someone that wasnt him. “anyways, you’ll be getting your money back, and its been tripled.” what?

“you do realize its been a little over a year since that happened.” you deadpanned.

“its better than ten. i promised you didnt i?” hakari deadpanned back, matching you always. “i always keep my promises. you know that.” he stated.

“okay, good to know. anything else?” you tried to hurry the call, hoping to hop off of it. you heard him laughing in the back, calming himself.

“always, im inviting you to my club, you got till the end of the week or imma just have someone escort you here. got business to talk about.” hakari said, adding that onto your plate.

“so you deadlining me now?”

“you damn right.”

“ill think on it. now get off my phone.” you said, rolling your eyes.

he chuckled, exhaling. “hope to see you soon, babydoll.”

call ended!

you rubbed your face in your hands, that went better than expected? putting your phone on the charger and laying there, you should have not been on edge, but it was hakari, and you felt your phone vibrate. what time had it been? twelve o five.

for hakari, he knows how to wire transfer, infact pretty well.

“make sure it gets to her, or imma fuck yall up. dont make me repeat myself.” hakari warned, leaning back against his soft couch watching some fight he placed a bet on. he puffed out smoke from the joint he held, only waiting.

“its been transferred, kinji.” the words exactly he wanted to hear. “she’s gonna get it by twelve o five.”

by twelve o five, a hundred and fifty thousand had been transferred to your account.

repost, reblogs, shares, and tags are so welcomed.

[jxfndm]

JEREMIAH FISHER X FEM! READER - FLUFF

“im right here with you”

warnings! - dni if youre uncomfortable with: alcohol mentions, mentions of pregnancy

quick a/n - THIS WAS IN MY HEADDDDDD and its just such a cute idea lol, enjoy <3

jeremiah fisher

"Baby, you sure you’re feeling alright?" I questioned Y/N. She looked pale and just not like herself.

She gave me a look, one signaling to stop asking her. I’d been asking her on the car ride over and at home. The past few days she’s been feeling tired and nauseous. The thing about Y/N is that she’ll tough out any sickness because she hated worrying me.

"Jere, I’m fine. I told you, I just think the dinner from the other night was a little old. That’s all." she stated blankly, giving me a half reassuring smile. I sighed, rubbing the top of her hand before nodding my head.

I was determined to find out what’s wrong. But maybe she’ll feel better after seeing Belly, that was her best friend. Girls time always made her feel better.

We were at Belly’s 21st, and everyone was here. It was nice to be around the gang again, especially because it was here in Cousin’s. Me and Y/N moved to our own place at the beginning of the year and haven’t had a chance to come down till now. This was nice.

"I’m going to grab a beer, do you want anything? Even a water?" I asked, my voice raised over the blaring music. Y/N smiled before responding, "Just water."

I nodded, as I walked over to the cooler. By the time I had arrived back into the living room, I had seen Belly and Y/N sitting on the couch. She was beaming, but still looked off. Maybe she just needed some space, it wouldn’t hurt to catch up with Con and Steven anyway.

I walked over and handed Y/N the bottle of water as I rubbed her shoulder. She gave me a smile and mouthed a “thank you”.

I leaned down to her ear, "I’m gonna find the guys. Just text me if you need anything."

She nodded and gave me a quick peck before settling back unto her conversation with Belly. I quickly greeted Belly as I walked off to find the guys. I just hoped Y/N was okay.

y/n

I had been talking to Belly for all of 5 minutes after Jeremiah left before I felt the need to throw up. I had done that quite a few times lately.

Quickly, I barged into the bathroom closest to us, emptying myself over the toilet. Tears brimmed my eyes, and exhaustion took over me quickly. I hated this, that seafood from our dinner a few days ago was probably expired for months.

I felt a hand rub at the smalls of my back. Turning, I was surprised to be met with Belly, who gave me a small smile. I grabbed toilet paper to wipe the sides of my mouth and flushed. I sat and turned towards her as she handed me my water bottle.

"Dude, are you okay?" she asked, cocking her eyebrow at me. I looked at her and then at the open door behind her. She quickly got up and locked it, kneeling back down in front of me.

Belly was my best friend, practically since birth. My mom, Susannah, and Laurel had all gone to the same college and raised all of us like one big family. If there’s one person I knew I would have trouble lying to, it was the beautiful birthday girl in front of me. I felt bad, she was here in her cute lavender dress and should be out there enjoying herself.

"It’s nothing, probably food poisoning," I said, closing my eyes as I took a small swig of water. Belly placed her hand gently on my kneecap. I opened my eyes to meet her serious ones.

"Y/N, you don’t have to lie to me. And don’t feel bad either. I just want to make sure my best friend is okay. You’ve been throwing up for almost a week. What’s going on?" she questioned seriously. I took a deep breath.

"I’m late on my period. And the sickness has been constant. I haven’t tested though, mainly because I’m scared. I don’t know how ready me and Jere are for a baby, that’s just kind of a lot for me right now," I explained, my eyes watering at the thought. The hormones were definitely out of control.

"Y/N! Oh my God, you have to test! Why are you even doubting anything, Jere has been madly in love with you since he was like 7. You need to find out and tell him, that’s the right thing to do!" Belly exclaimed, holding my hand.

"I know, but-" I started, but Belly quickly cut me off by standing up and rummaging through the sink cabinets. She pulled out a box.

Quickly, I realized what it was and gave her a look.

"I use it for scares with Conrad. But you have to take one, and I’ll be here with you. I know you’re scared, but you have to know. Plus, Jere will only buy your water excuse for another hour before he wonders why you won’t toast shots with us." she explained, handing over the pink and white box.

I rolled my eyes and rubbed my temples. Was I really about to do this? Fuck.

"Fine. I’ll test. Turn around." I stated, earning a wide smile from Belly.

Belly quickly turned around as I pulled a stick from the box, unwrapping it and hovering over it on the toilet. I peed quickly and put the cap over it, turning it face down onto the counter as I cleaned up.

"Can I turn around now?" Belly whined, her arms crossed. I flattened my dress out, "Yeah, go ahead. I turned it face down, we can check in three."

She turned around and gave me a big hug. I exhaled deeply into the hug, worried about what this would mean for my relationship with Jere. I didn’t want to start thinking until I saw the test, but it was hard not to.

Me and Belly sat in the bathroom in silence. I fiddled with my fingers as she would occasionally look over and scroll through her phone. Her timer went off and suddenly, panic filled my body.

"It’s time," she whispered, starting to get up from the side of the tub. I took a deep breath as she waited for me to get up. I couldn’t believe this.

I felt like I was going in slow motion, but eventually made it to the counter. I closed my eyes and reached for the test. Belly waited impatiently, but stayed quiet throughout.

I finally felt the test flip over in my hand. I opened my eyes and couldn’t believe what I was looking at. Tears welled in my eyes and I suddenly couldn’t hold it together anymore.

Positive. I’m pregnant.

I slid down the wall with the test in my hands and sobbed into my knees. Belly knelt down in front of me and pulled me in, rubbing my back as I breathed heavily into my cries.

"Y/N, it’s going to be okay, I promise." she comforted, but all I could do was continue crying. I sat there, in shock and a mess. My makeup was definitely fucked up now, and I knew I couldn’t hide it from Jeremiah. I couldn’t lie much longer, especially now that Belly knew. Jere had every right to know.

"I have to tell him," I sniffled, dabbing under my eyes with the toilet paper. Belly smiled softly and nodded.

"Want me to get him?" Belly questioned. I thought about it, and ultimately decided I was way too embarrassed to walk out there looking like a mess, especially since I wasn’t too sure who I’d be running into. I nodded in response, resulting in Belly to leave with her phone and close the bathroom door.

I felt choked up, this felt like a dream. I wasn’t sure how to feel, other than the fact that I was worried about every outcome possible. Would he be upset? Would he leave? Would I have to raise this kid all by myself?

My thoughts were quickly interrupted with a soft knock at the door. I wiped my tears once more and tried my best to pull myself together. This was it. God help me.

I ooened the door to face a worried Jere.

"Y/N Belly told me to- what’s wrong? What happened?" he questioned worriedly as he saw my face. His hands immediately dropped into mine as he pushed us into the bathroom. He locked the door behind him as he sat me on the tub. I assumed Belly was giving us space, hence why she didn’t show up with him.

I fiddled with my dress pocket, twisting the test between my fingers. I took a deep breath as I looked at him, tears slowly dropping. He was everything to me, and the idea of this test changing everything for us made me sick. I couldn’t lose him, I didn’t want to.

"Jere, I’m so sorry," I whispered, as I silently cried again. He was kneeling in front of me as he pulled me into his chest and rubbed my back.

"Y/N, there’s nothing to be sorry for. What’s going on? I’m worried about you," he stated as he pulled away, gently rubbing my sides as he looked at me cluelessly. I knew I couldn’t drag it out.

I pulled the test out of my pocked and handed it to him, saying, "Jeremiah, I’m pregnant."

I looked at him for what felt like ages. He looked at the test quietly, as shock filled his expression. I couldn’t help but cry again, feeling like I’d absolutely lost him.

Surprisingly, he engulfed me into a deep, passionate kiss. I kissed back, shock settling into my body. He pulled away with the biggest smile on his face, rubbing my cheeks.

"Y/N, this is the best fucking news ever." he said, chuckling as he took both my hands. I had stopped crying and just looked at him.

Stuttering, I finally managed a "I-it is?"

He nodded, his smile growing bigger. In turn, it made me smile. I looked at him as he squeezed my hands.

"We’re gonna be parents. I’m gonna be a dad. Holy fuck Y/N!" he exclaimed as he got up, still holding my hands. I got up from the tub, a small giggle escaping my mouth.

"I was so scared you’d leave." I blurted, leaning my head against his chest. It was warm and felt like home. It was everything I’d ever want it to be.

"Baby, I would never leave you. Not in a million fucking years. Please don’t ever think that. I want to do everything in life with you, no matter what it is. You don’t have to be scared, because I’m right here with you." he said, cupping my cheek and bringing my chin up to face him. I smiled as he leaned in.

We kissed again, this time, it felt different. More meaningful. I was going to raise our first child with him. I couldn’t help but feel all sorts of excitement.

We pulled apart, as I melted into his arms again. "I love you so fucking much Y/N," he said.

I smiled as I looked at him. "Well, we love you more." I responded, looking down at my stomach as he laid his hand gently on top of it.

He gave me a forehead kiss as he rubbed my stomach softly and knelt down to give it a kiss. He was adorable.

"Want to get back to the party? Or we could go home, whatever you want, my love." he offered. I shook my head.

"Let’s stay a bit, then we can tell everyone another time this week." I suggested, earning a nod from Jeremiah.

As we exited the bathroom, we did just that. We stayed long enough to see Belly blow out her candles. I suddenly felt tired and nauseous and called it quits, so we went back home to our apartment.

We told our families and prepared over the next few months for our baby’s arrival. Everyone was extremely excited. We chose not to find out the gender till birth, and I’m so glad we did.

Elliana Susannah Fisher was born on February 20th at 1:24pm. She was perfect in every way, and had every feature of mine and Jere’s that made us fall in love with the parts we were most insecure about. Jeremiah also made the perfect girl dad, spending every minute he could with her. I was in love with our family, every single part about it.

author’s note - SO CUTEEEEE lol, sorry for the inactivity but ive been so busy. ALSO BELLYJERE IN PARISSSSS WOOT WOOT!!! im so excited for s3 omg

- j

[fictionfixations]

tamashina-mina event (aka the sunset savanna jp event)

so anyway because i cant read jp (the translated vid is in parts so thats why im posting multiple links)

leona brushes it off but

so LISTEN. The chamberlain whatever his name is isn't happy with Leona for not putting his intelligence to help the country

but when he DOES provide an idea (aka actually mining the mineral resources) its shrugged off because they're all for being with nature

so what im understanding is leona is proposing to actually make use of what the land has to, yes, make a profit, but also it could help with all loads of things? like spreading water to be a little more easily obtainable once having the funds to idk throw away money for the good of the people (i mean. they're already rich aren't they? i don't really get it but also the world runs on money. i dont know if there are any benefits to it just sitting there, or if there are cons to digging them out or not but leona seems very passionate about it.)

but so its like this then

where if its not modernized then people will just. not live modernized. and i get that ig, wanting to live with nature (well not really but i mean its all down to preference isnt it? which im not an outdoor person so uh)

maybe it'll make more sense in the EN version (whenever it comes). or maybe i need someone to dumb it down to me like im 5.

but anyway you see my point right?? Leona provides an idea (is very invested in it) that goes to the good of the kingdom (making more profit but its also like they dont have to mine ALL of it he at least just wants them to make use of it at least instead of not even touching it)

and then it gets shot down because. basically. tradition. ???

anyway heres my idea: if someone like Ruggie Bucchi can exist (i mean as in someone born in a poor environment) in the Sunset Savanna, then clearly there can still be something done to keep people healthy and in comfortable situations without compromising idk the beauty of also being able to live with nature at the same time? to help make it a bit more convenient in the process at least? (like there could be a system that brings them water, but it could still be in a well so they can still do that process by hand, there will just be more water so they dont have to worry about idk running out? i dont know how wells work but i imagine they can run out eventually)

and if anyones like 'oh but we wont make a profit' then propose ANOTHER way we can make big income. aka MINING the MINERAL resources so it could be like nothing even changed or that we might be even making more than we usually are (but also probably supervised so they cant take advantage and just i mean get rid of the entirety of it? cause. its.. important right? so some but not all.)

maybe i just dont understand this, maybe im biased towards leona who knows, but i kind of also feel like its dumb to just brush it off. and i mean who knows maybe hes proposed it many times before, maybe hes shown them so many ideas and proofs and proposals related but they mightve been flawed in some way i dont know and thats why they refuse. who knows. it just rubs me the wrong way

its also kind of related to people brushing off leona just as being lazy and stuff like that (also did you know he only failed ONE year? he joined NRC a year late) but leona isnt really doing anything to try to change peoples perceptions of him because 'thats what they think of me, why should i bother?' like people hating on him for being [something something] compared to falena so then just. takes that in and is like 'okay so people think of me this way. if thats how they view me, then whatever.' hes still very competitive and all that stuff but theres also apathy in 'people will think whatever they want of me, why should i even try to change it?' (and hes probably heard all kinds of things at a young age that really stuck with him and shaped who he was. which goes from being really hurt by it to not even caring about peoples opinions anymore. dont get me wrong it can still affect him because the part of him that got hurt by it the first time is still there but yknow)

but so then the chamberlain is like 'why dont you use your smarts for the country'

and leonas just like

THEN SAY SOMETHING TO MAKE HIM NOT SAY SUCH THINGS??? (you knew him as a kid surely you could do something) like. theres. just. such an utter lack of trying to convince him otherwise. and i guess to him it would sound so fake so he might not be convinced at all. but then if you stop trying at all then he'll think that he was right in what he thought people thought of him and wont try to correct anyone. or in fact will correct anyone if they think positively of him.

i mean theres also not wanting to say it in front of other people. but. listen. if youre afraid of what the people think then it will affect the other negatively.

like for example if you try not to do lovey-dovey stuff in public then your lover will naturally feel like youre just trying to hide them away. or that you might feel ashamed.

so if the chamberlain tries to convince him when they're in private but in public he doesnt. then you can see what kind of conclusion leona would come to, right?

its kind of a tough situation because i honestly dont know what youd do in that situation. its just. i feel like they could communicate better. that there could be things to be done and it just frustrates me.

yes he does go on to say that leona is strong

and that he believes in him basically but

it just. doesnt feel like enough. and it could definitely be on leona for also not being willing to listen so hh. and i also get the chamberlain has a lot of responsibility so he cant just be there all the time and everything hfeuishfdi

[romana-after-dark]

AHHH OH MY GOD NO IM THE LAST ANON AND IM WASNT BEING SARCASTIC IM SORRY!

I'm also the same anon that gave you the really long reviews of tww and the alternate ending to tww a few months ago, so clearly, I can ramble a lot too.

I sent those reviews during the drama you referenced in your last response... so if you don't remember them cos you had other things on your mind, then nvm.

Anyways, I was just asking, cos I'm really eager to read it! I love everything about tww, but I still want to read the dark romance version you said that you're writing. (and I hope that after you publish stolen lullaby you leave tww up cos I want to be able to reread it... but obviously thats your choice)

Sorry for the confusion lol. I usually read most stuff as sarcastic as well, so I understand what your thought process must have been when you got my last ask. Sorry, I didn't consider that other people might have that issue too. I assumed that was just a me problem.

Anyways, I'm really excited for both books! Your writing skills and work ethic are admirable 😅👍🏻

ITS TOTALLY OKAY!!’

I just wasn’t entirely sure and I was a little on guard, but I like to assume the best out of anonymous messages so I just rolled with it!

I do actually very much remember your in-depth reviews and sometimes I go back and find them because hearing that people actually pay attention to the themes and the details and stuff like that and not just wanna eat. The smut really makes me happy.

Probably the wrong way up because it’s all gonna be different enough I think and I don’t want people to buy stolen lullaby because they can’t read the wrong way. Plus, I wanna be able to see all the nice comments and content that people made about it because that genuinely makes me so happy.

It all started just because I wanted to double in a little bit of non-con, but the story became so much more to me sorting out relationships with Joel Tommy Lorenzo little when and how they all interact with each other, made me fall in love with writing in a way that I can’t describe

If you’re curious, the title comes from Taylor Swift, my tears ricochet. I’m not a Swifty and I don’t listen to a whole lot of her music, but the playlist has a lot of Taylor Swift. That song just so fully encapsulates Joel and little ones relationship. I don’t know if I’ve explained it to you yet or on here, but the title references several things references ones innocent stolen at such a young point in her life by her dad the things that Jamie forced her to do. it references Joel, who, in the story will be called Abel and how the loss of his daughter affected him. People have also drawn connections between Joel’s wires, getting crossed with his need for parental authority and his lost for little one is created a fucked up mismatch of everything in his head of how he views her. And finally, of course, is referencing the fact that little one, or Clementine in the story, will never get to raise her child, and those lullabies have quite literally been stolen away from her because of Joel.

Thank you so so so much for saying such a nice things about me and my writing.

If you haven’t yet, I put up a bonus chapter that kind of explore Lorenzo jack and Tommy’s dynamics for my one year anniversary. I can’t remember if you read that or not, but that will give you a little hint into character stolen lullaby.

Appreciate you so so so much!

[sicknessbysalem]

Novemetober (Rescheduled) | Day Six

@monthofsick | day six: post-adrenaline puking

once again, i am revisiting some days i missed because im not feeling the last few prompts at this time.

(also once again these characters originally belonged to @simplysickness but they have given the characters to me)

if you have any requests or questions feel free to send (please send)!

tw emeto, caffeine overload, brief/vague mention of mental health issues, bad coping mechanisms

In the dimly lit garage, the scent of motor oil hung heavy in the air, mingling with the metallic tang of sweat as Xavier tinkered with his bike, his hands deftly maneuvering around the engine with practiced precision. The fluorescent glow of the overhead lights cast sharp shadows across his furrowed brow, accentuating the lines of fatigue etched into his features.

"Hey, Cass," Xavier called out, his voice rough from exhaustion as he glanced over his shoulder to where Cassidy sat on the tabletop of his workbench, leaning against the workbench, concern etched into his features. "Hand me that wrench, would you?"

Cassidy stepped forward, handing over the tool with a gentle touch, his eyes scanning Xavier's face with worry. "You sure you're up for this, Xav? You look like you haven't slept in days."

Xavier chuckled, the sound hollow in the confines of the garage. "Just needing a bit of a distraction lately. Not sure why, maybe with you and Amity being in college, need something to fill my time."

Xavier reached beside him, knocking back the last of the can that Cassidy brought him. Probably much to one of his boyfriends' dismay.

"How many of those have you hit today?" Cassidy asked.

"Three, maybe?" Xavier said, "It's my last one, promise. I'm almost done anyway."

Cassidy's expression softened with understanding, though a flicker of concern still lingered in his gaze. "You've been pushing yourself too hard, Xav. Racing every chance you get. Aren't you supposed to only focus on the circuit?"

"I don't have to," Xavier shrugged, "Besides, the more I race, the better I do on the circuit."

"Yeah, and you look like you haven't slept in days," Cassidy said, "If you don't slow down you'll get yourself sick."

Xavier's shoulders tensed slightly, a defensive edge creeping into his voice. "I can handle it, Cass. I've been doing this for years."

But even as he spoke, a wave of nausea swept over him, a harsh reminder of the toll his rigorous schedule was taking on his body. He swallowed back the bile and the sickening sweetness of the last energy drink he had rising in his throat, his grip tightening on the wrench as he forced himself to focus on the task at hand.

Cassidy reached out, a hand coming to rest on Xavier's shoulder, the touch grounding and reassuring. "Just promise me you'll take it easy after this race, okay? Your health comes first."

Xavier met Cassidy's gaze, a flicker of gratitude softening the exhaustion in his eyes. "I promise," he murmured, the weight of his words heavy in the air between them.

-

Race day dawned with the sky painted in hues of fiery orange and soft pink, the air thick with anticipation and the faint scent of gasoline. Xavier stood at the edge of the track, clad in his racing gear, the vibrant colors of his suit a stark contrast to the pallor of his complexion. Despite the adrenaline coursing through his veins, Xavier felt like maybe, just maybe he did too much in too little of time.

Cassidy stood nearby, a knot of worry twisting in his stomach as he watched Xavier's trembling hands lift another energy drink to his lips, knocking it back like it was a shot of liquor as opposed to an excessive amount of caffeine. The telltale signs of too much caffeine were impossible to miss, the jittery tremors a stark contrast to Xavier's usual steady demeanor. He approached Xavier with a gentle touch, concern etched into every line of his face.

"Xav, maybe you should sit this one out," Cassidy suggested softly, his voice laced with worry. "You're not in any condition to race."

But Xavier's jaw clenched stubbornly, his gaze fixed on the track. "I can't back out now, Cass. I've trained for this, I've worked for this. I can't just give up. I can't let the last month and a half be for nothing."

Cassidy reached out, cupping Xavier's trembling hands in his own. But, it hurt. Or something, Xavier wasn't sure how to explain it.

"I know you want this, Xav," Cassidy murmured, his voice gentle but firm. "But pushing yourself like this, it's not worth risking your health. There will be other races, other opportunities."

But Xavier shook his head, his gaze unwavering as he met Cassidy's eyes with a fierce intensity. "I have to do this, Cass. For me, for us. I need to prove that I can still compete, that I'm not just a has-been."

Cassidy's heart ached at the raw vulnerability in Xavier's words. He wanted nothing more than to wrap Xavier in his arms, to shield him from the relentless pressure weighing him down. And it was all pressure he was putting on himself, Cassidy knew that. But he was putting that pressure on himself as a coping mechanism, Amity explained that many times. Putting race pressure on himself, putting excessive caffeine in his body, it was a coping mechanism to avoid facing his internal struggles. A bad coping mechanism, but a mechanism nonetheless.

"I have to go, race time," Xavier said, knocking back the last of the can he had, handing it over to Cassidy, proving it was empty, making a statement that was the last one.

-

As Xavier crossed the finish line, a surge of triumph surged through his weary body, the deafening roar of the crowd echoing in his ears like a symphony of victory. But as the adrenaline that had propelled him through the race began to fade, a wave of nausea swept over him with crippling intensity.

The world spun around him in a dizzying blur, his vision swimming with dark spots as he fought to keep his balance. He needed to get off the track, for several reasons.

Cassidy's voice cut through the haze of exhaustion, sharp with concern as he rushed to Xavier's side, a hand coming to rest on his quivering shoulder. "Xav, are you okay? You don't look so good."

Xavier swallowed back the bile rising in his throat, the taste of stomach acid and the energy drink a strange mix of sweet and bitter on his tongue as he forced a weak smile, continuing to walk off to the side with his bike, "I'm fine, Cass. Just need a minute to catch my breath, that's all."

But even as he spoke, a violent wave of nausea tore through him, his stomach lurching with agonizing intensity. Xavier staggered to a halt, his hands trembling as he struggled to unclasp the helmet strapped to his head.With a strangled gasp, Xavier ripped off his helmet, the cool air of the racetrack washing over his clammy skin in a welcome relief.

Cassidy's brow furrowed with worry as he watched Xavier's pallor turn ashen, his hands shaking uncontrollably as he clutched at his stomach.

"Xav, you need to sit down," Cassidy insisted, his voice urgent with concern. "You're not okay."

But Xavier waved him off weakly, his breaths coming in ragged gasps as he fought to keep the contents of his churning stomach at bay. "I just... need a moment," he managed to choke out, his voice barely above a whisper.

With a trembling hand, Cassidy reached out, offering Xavier a steadying arm as he guided him to a nearby bench, the cold metal biting into Xavier's aching muscles as he collapsed onto the hard surface. The world spun around him in a dizzying whirl, the sounds of the racetrack fading into a distant haze as darkness threatened to consume him whole.

As Xavier sat on the hard metal bench, the world around him seemed to spin faster and faster, the cacophony of voices and engines blending into a disorienting symphony of chaos. With each passing moment, the relentless grip of nausea tightened its hold on him, a suffocating weight pressing down on his chest.

Cassidy hovered nearby, his features etched with concern as he watched Xavier's condition deteriorate with growing alarm.

"Xav, I told you this would happen," he said softly, his voice tinged with panic as he reached out a hand to steady Xavier's trembling form.

But before Xavier could respond, a violent wave of nausea tore through him, the contents of his stomach rising up with agonizing force. With a strangled gasp, he doubled over, retching violently onto the ground, the bitter taste of bile filling his mouth with every heave.

Disgust and dismay washed over Xavier in a sickening wave as he wiped the back of his hand across his mouth, the acrid stench of vomit lingering in the air like a foul miasma. Shame burned hot in his chest as he glanced up at Cassidy, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

"I'm so sorry, Cass," Xavier murmured, his voice thick with self-loathing. "I didn't mean for this to happen."

But Cassidy's expression softened with compassion as he knelt beside Xavier, a hand coming to rest on his trembling shoulder. "Hey, it's okay," he reassured, his voice gentle but firm. "You pushed yourself too hard, that's all. Let's get you home."

With Cassidy's steady support, Xavier struggled to his feet, his legs trembling beneath him as he leaned heavily on his boyfriend for support. The world spun around him in a dizzying blur, the sounds of the racetrack fading into a distant haze as he stumbled toward his bike. The weight of his exhaustion was draggung him down like an anchor in the storm, but he needed to take care of things before they could go.

“Hey, hey,” Cassidy said, “Here. Let me help. And then we really should get you home… and in bed.”

Xavier glanced up at Cassidy, a flicker of gratitude softened the edges of his despair, a reminder that no matter how far he fell, his boyfriend would always be there to lift him back up again.

“I’m sorry,” Xavier said, “Seriously.”

Cassidy nodded, “Yeah, I know. It’s okay…”

[hexkia]

Rating Aphmau Ships and explaining why!

So im obviously going to start with Aphmau and Aaron first.

So I know that Aphmaua and Aaron’s relationship has been a sensitive subject for some parts of the fandom. Mainly because Aaron was a senior and Aph was a Freshmen when they met. If we want to be technical as well, they met in the game way before that. I do like that Jess didn’t have them date then or get to romantically involved other then the kiss which could’ve waited in my opinion.

We see Aphmau crush on other people in s2 of PDH. We see how it effected Aaron( granted he saw Ein and Aph and not who see was actually involved romantically with.) We can see that Aaron truly feels deeply for her even tho they’ve agree to just stay friends. Aph also still comes back to him at the end. I’m just glad we get to see her with someone else other than him atleast once.

Now we can talk about Falcon claw university but honestly I feel like talking about that series separately because I actually really love it.

Now onto My street. We don’t see them interacting a lot at the start but we obviously get to know that she hangs around Aaron a lot and even stays at his place on occasion ( I believe anyway). I still wish they had more sconces to show the build up of emotions both from just that season but years or then wanting to wait till they are ready. Them getting together at the con felt like the right time to do so. They are with their friends, they are somewhere that may has all the things they love and enjoy together.

love-love paradise gives us a good glimpse of them as a new couple and navigating it specially when her mom comes around. Also can see the frustration of having people getting between them like Katlyn, Gene, and even Zane towards the end.

Lovers Lane was actually a decent season and I’m glad we got to meet Aaron’s mom and sister. I will say it did feel a bit busy at some points like having to deal with the cafe, adding Aaron’s family in the mix, Aphs mom, and Lucinda and Ivan’s stuff along with Gene again. The “break up” had me tearing up when I watched it the first time and still makes me a little teary but it made me no like Aaron’s Mom. I’m still iffy with her even now. But I feel like it was a good way to show how complex emotions and relationships can be specially with issues from the past that someone didn’t get help for affected them as they got older. We also see Aph own up to her mistake when she realizes what she did and how it affected him. Granted she didn’t know everything and it could’ve been solved if they talked it out but when you’re running high on emotion it’s understandable.

Do we have to talk about s4? If everything he did just to get her back and protect her in that sense doesn’t scream how much he loves that women then I don’t know what to tell you. To add onto this, Aphmaus year which technically isn’t a season but very important to the story shows how much she’s struggling and he’s all she thinks about . Her leaning how to heal just so she can help him so just muawh. Perfect.

S5? Them reconnecting , then making she’s choices together, and getting engaged. We see Aaron coming to term to being a werewolf more openly even his family. We also see Aphmau getting used to it and making little mistakes and Aaron eventually telling her how it makes him feel. You can tell even with not being Allison eachother for a year how they’ve grown as a couple and strength. She needed time to grow and heal and he needed to start embracing who he is. My only issue even with this season was I feel like Aaron was to big of a what we call them now a simp and seemed to be dumb down a bit. Maybe he it was because he was more calm and relaxed and just glad to be able to be with her. But it was just a little weird.

S6 wasn’t really full of romantic moments between them other than Aaron going crazy about Ein killing her. Also her going after him to save him after she comes back to life. Then we have the ending.

I’m excited to see how things will go in season 7 and now they grow as a couple after they reunite for the last time. Specially if my theory of time travel to “fix” the timeline is true. Overall as a couple I do like them and I feel like they are very fitting for each other. They are actually one of my favorite Canon ships in the series. 9/10 mainly since the story isn’t over and they aren’t perfect and have definitely made their shared mistakes plus just small things.

[eternalshadeart]

I've been doing digital art for almost 2 years now, with little to no practice on actual paper for these 2 years, and that got me thinking did I Lose my touch with traditional art, Haven't picked up an actual paint brush in so long. Its easy to get lost in the vast possibilities that digital painting softwares offer, ranging from hundreds of brush textures, to tools to make your shaky lines smooth, making the perfect circles, filing a solid colour in an instant.

Where you absolutely dont have to wait for your oils or watercolor to dry up before going for the next layer, and most importantly no need to spend dollars on art supplies and if you make any mistake the undo option is always there for you.

It did make painting easier in a way, but it also comes with its own cons, when I started digital painting I felt like I had to learn from scratch how to use the particular software, and had to learn to paint all over again. Tho it catches up quick but still figuering out how to use each tool, how all the functions, brushes, layers, blend modes work. It does take some time.

Nevertheless I ventured from my point, so since I've been painting dgitally for 2 years I figured its time to indulge in some traditional work, touch base and see If im still worthy.

I tried painting a couple of small canvas and got stuck figuring out what to draw, to have the exact outcome planned out because if I decide halfway through coloring my background that I dont like how it looks, I dont have a ctrl Z to help me this time, I'll have to paint over the whole thing and start from scratch. Painting on the canvas directly is a commitment and theres a looming pressure that the outcome should look beautiful and completed, and I already have enough anxiety, not really excited about been anxious about the thing i love.

One warm afternoon I picked up a tiny notebook I had, bought it on a whim last year and it has been sitting on my shelf since then, its a 4"x4" pocket notebook with decent paper quality, perfect to try out the random black gel pen I found lying around. And I got to it, found a cozy warm place and made a small pen sketch of a tree. The texture looked nice, i did mess up a couple timeson the leaves but since its just a disposable paper I didnt worry much on it, just covered it up with more scriblings. It felt pretty good, ad I realised with digital art the one thing I'm missing is customisign how I organise and decorate my work collection.

With digital software all your art is stored as mere .png or .jpg or whichever format you prefer, but thats it, its just a photo album, unlike a sketchbook where you can decorate the cover, add a couple of sticker or notes to it, stick a dried flower you found, or just about anything creative.

The overall feel of a sketchbook is entirely different and I dont have to worry about each page looking like a finished work.

I love painting digitally but painting on a sketchbook is almost nostalgic, so I finally started one.

Got myself a small A6 sketcbook with a pretty floral cover,cut out the pen sketch i did and glued it on the first page, and thus started to fill each page with totally random unrelated paintings.

So anyway this was a lengthy way to tell you how painting on a sketchbook somehow made me improve my art, and felt incredibly amazing, tho I've completed just couple pages, each page looks beatifull in its own way, and i got to try out a couple of pens, and paints that I havnt used in so long.

got to try doing simple portraits, tried to double tap multiple times on the page (stupid muscle memory).

so anyway here are a few pages that I have completed, and if you did read till the end, thanks for bearing with the (rant)?

[mugiwara--ya]

heyyy hi a little life/med update !!

ive been super super busy these past couple weeks w a ton of socialization etc and ngl i think i burned myself out lol last night after we got back home from a con (and the bar stop after it) i had a massive shutdown that lasted hours and im still reeling from it, but ANYWAYS!! med update med update wooo

so! on top of the lifesaving bupropion ive been taking all year & the eszopiclone for sleep i finally !! got put on something for my ocd, lets give it up for fluoxetine to join my beautiful, beautiful cocktail, mwah 💖💝💗💕💞💓

i know it supposedly takes a few weeks to fully Work but im already feeling a MASSIVE difference right off the bat, like yesterday i was at the mall and i ✨ touched the escalator's handrail ✨ i was literally so excited i kept looking at my hand going yoooooo im DOING it im making it HAPPEN like even my friends congratulated me on it kdsfjhakjg it felt silly but massive at the same time lol and of course i still immediately disinfected my hands but the important thing is that I Did It

and idk its like!!! i knew it was BAD like especially these past few months its been just. VIOLENTLY out of control but god the absolute relief ive been feeling is making me feel like i was still grossly underestimating it, it had completely taken over my life. right now its like, i encounter any random trigger and i brace myself for the anxiety spiral to come and then it DOESN'T and its so ??? like i still have The Thought but then i just go "ok" and dismiss it like an annoying notification and thats IT, while the last time i was on therapy i literally described my ocd as having hundreds of those cymbal-banging monkey toys of different sizes just sitting there in my brain Waiting and every single time i got triggered one of them would start losing its absolute shit - for example if im at the supermarket, on top of the everything about existing as an autistic person at the supermarket, thered be like a dozen of them constantly going ALERT ALERT CONTAMINATION CONTAMINATION EEK EEK DANGER DANGER BANG BANG BANG- and now the monkeys r GONE. get turned into mostly-dismissable phone notifs, idiots !!!!!!!!!

the only monkey im willingly keeping!!!!! is the low poly 3d model of monkey d. luffy constantly rotating in my brain <3 kfngskjdfs

also like i still do like, say, my cleaning rituals when i get back home, but idk i just. i feel Normal about it?? like calmly wiping my phone bc phones r Gross and not bc i literally see a green film of Germs And Various Pathogens enveloping it lol. anddd i havent been attacked by violent intrusive thoughts in a minute !! lets see if it stays that way. im generally super sensitive to medications too so im on low doses of everything and i wanna keep it like that lol so heres to hoping it keeps goin like this so i dont have to up my dose 8)

uhh thats about it ! having a bit of Personal Issues tm at the moment tho but im so relieved abt my ocd i kinda have the bandwidth to deal with them lol. i prolly jus need some sleep quiet and to not be perceived by anyone for a solid week.

in other lighter and unrelated news my queue is completely empty rn so it'll be just a liiiittle quiet around here for a bit but ! yeah. also i just watched the latest op anime episode and urhgrhghrghrgh it was so good hhh <3333 so yah if you read this whole thing i am giving you a little kiss on the forehead, mwah, hope you have a great week !!