#anyway this would 100% work on me despite the fact that he's certifiably insane

[mightierthanthecanon]

I bet he liked you.

He did, yeah.

[smollandtoll]

HC: 5Hole

TW: this headcanon mentions other people in the NHL including certain Blackhawks and Capitals you might not want to read about. You can skip this one and won’t hurt our feelings OR just read until you get to the section divider that indicates the rest of our HC that doesn’t particularly involve just Sid/Geno.

Have you ever listened to Ariana Grande in the shower and immediately come out with an entire head canon about a Gay Hockey Bar called 5Hole? No? Just me?

So imagine Mario owns this establishment of course and Sid works there as a bartender. He’s perpetually single, mostly because he is super awkward, but also a little because his lower half is always behind the bar. There’s also the fact that he’s hopelessly in love with a regular named Geno and no one wants to get in the middle of whatever epic romance they’re figuring out together.

Geno’s story goes something like: he tried to work at 5hole, but was literally always late, and drank too much while on shift, and was generally the worst bartender because he'd get distracted flirting with patrons instead of y'know working. So he turned into a regular, and is ALWAYS dating someone new/constantly with a boyfriend. Cue Sid being like terribly in love with him from afar for 8 years.

We love a pining Sid - meanwhile Geno’s like, “Sid's good friend! Very cute boy. Weird little bit, but fun to chirp. Flirt with Sid all the time. He never show any interest.” See why no one wants to get in the middle of that? Besides you never know if Sid’s going to do something to one of Geno’s date’s drinks. Like he hasn’t so far, because he’s Sid, but sometimes he looks long and hard at the way they giggle up at Geno from under his arm and takes a really long time to set their drink down on the bar. Anyway Geno's busy having a great time and being young and a mess and missing his family so fiercely he doesn't even think his heart is capable of love any more it's so broken, y’know casual. So he's not looking, not even thinking to look back at Sid because sometimes someone just doesn’t register as a prospect.

Meanwhile Geno is like so scary to Sid, like he's so bright and bold and fearless and like he's got so much drama, with all the people in his life and like the on again off again friendship with Ovi and all the other shit, the Russian politics, the constant internal struggle against self-hatred. He’s always in and out of the bar, always laughing brightly at someone pretty or giving his friends shit and then turning his smile on Sid, and Sid just can’t help but be so drawn to him. Geno is so much, and Sid is so little, he doesn’t think he could compare at all, he doesn’t have deep thoughts or an interesting background, he’s not sexy or silly or fun or any of the other things Geno seems to look for in a date.  

He definitely wouldn't know what to do even if some miracle happened and he managed to capture Geno’s affection and attention. To always have the weight of Geno's gaze and possessiveness on him? Like it'd be so nice, but also when he flirts even just a little, Sid always FREEZES. It's been years and he still doesn't know how to handle it. So he’s writing himself off.

But other than the Geno drama, Sid actually really likes being a bartender. It suits him because he can’t flirt (that well) but he can quickly and efficiently prepare drinks when it’s busy af and it’s easy for him to stay low-key and focused. He’s actually the best, he's quick, his eyes never miss anything (he's definitely caught a few doctored drinks), he remembers an infinite amount of orders, he's clean, he's no nonsense, and he's pretty enough to make really decent tips when he smiles even if he can’t flirt worth a damn.

Mario is definitely grooming him to take the bar over - sending him to business school, letting him stay with him indefinitely (this is definitely one of those stories where Sid was like wayward, but not in a terrible way, just a little at loose ends and in need of a decent paying job and Mario swoops in with all the experience and convenient answers). (At this point we got deeply excited by possibilities of other people in this universe and our adorable Sid/Geno plot went off the rails. We just have so many faves, guys!)

Other things about the bar/patrons (stop reading here if you don’t want other people):

Mario is one of those old gays that realized late in life that they COULD be gay, like long after they had a wife and four kids and a career and things. Mario's “one that got away” was probably Gretzky (like, okay, in retrospect, I was in love with him and very in denial about it) and Jagr was probably a young coworker that got along well with him and occasionally experienced a tension-laden moment at a conference or two after a few drinks and was DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH HIM despite Mario explicitly saying "BACK OFF I'M VERY HETERO AND HAVE A WIFE AND BABIES I LOVE." But you know how it is when someone is in so much denial about who they actually are, and Jagr knew, he KNEW. But he also wasn’t self sacrificing enough to stick around waiting only to get burnt over and over while Mario always prioritised his wife.

Basically in this universe, NHL = gay(/bi/pan/poly/aro/ace/various other QUILTBAG abbreviations/occasionally straight because they can’t ALL be gay but like just most of them!). There are a lot of regulars at this bar, and they float in little interest groups and cliques depending on who is dating who and who has what in common - you know like real life. Here are some of the groups and what we think about them.

Jonathan Toews is the other bartender who works in tandem with Sid, because we just imagine this being a super Canadian bar. Jonny is hot and serious and deadpan and if Sid’s the shy (but incredibly competent) one with a great smile then Jonny is the intimidatingly tall and hot one. Regular bar patrons occasionally give guys the DL on the Sid <3 Geno situation - if someone is interested in wooing Geno feel free to hit on him, make out with him, but they usually get warned to grab their drinks from Tazer.  

Patrick Kane is one of those self hating gay dudes who comes to the bar to pick up and fuck in the bathroom and then goes back to saying f slurs with his finance bros. He’s probably very angsty and Tazer probably serves him a lot of water and stern looks.

Jamie Benn is one of those gay boys that has no style and doesn't know how to be gay at all. Sid feels for him deeply when he first starts coming in with just the solidarity of his straight brother who kind of abandons him to hustle at pool and watch hockey (hockey is always playing at 5Hole). Tyler Seguin probably swoops in early, takes him for haircuts and makeovers and long late-night heart-to-hearts they pretend are just bro-chats but no one is surprised when it turns out they’re secretly in love with each other.

Flower and Tanger are in some kind of open or poly relationship. As far as Sid can tell, Flower is married to a woman, but a couple times a month he and Tanger come to 5Hole and Tanger goes off to pick up a third guy for Flower’s inspection while Flower shoots the shit with Sid at the bar.

Phil Kessel genuinely comes in for the beer and the hockey and to not hear gay slurs while enjoying them. At first Sid thought maybe he was in the wrong bar and tried to warn him they weren’t a normal hockey bar, but Phil didn’t even look up from the beer menu and scathingly told Sid that he didn’t have his rainbow ID card with him that day, his apologies. After a while they all got used to him being gruff at the bar, focused on the TV more than the company, but still getting hit on relentlessly by like Hags. Phil usually tells him "SURE KID WHATEVER. YOU'RE TOO PRETTY FOR THE LIKES OF ME, MOVE ON." But Hags likes him, and thinks he’s cute and is slowly eroding Phil’s disbelief. Phil deserves love too.

Whenever Hags feels like he’s starting to cross the border into being harassing however it’s okay, he pays for Phil’s drink and then retreats to the corner that is occupied by mostly blonde swedes. Taken into Horny’s open (usually bare and glistening) arms, hair ruffled by Erik Karlsson.

The rest of the Swedes are a small contingent and insanely hot. They usually all break into their individual cliques and return every so often to Nicklas Backstrom’s table where he watches over them all with a stony expression of love, and makes sure the babies don’t get drugged (looking at you Willy Nylander).

There is a similar table of Loud Hot Russians, that is mostly lead by Ovi, and, depending on where their on and off friendship is at, Geno. But obviously Ovi is always like "SID! NICKY HERE?" literally any time he comes in. Ovi is just SMITTEN from the beginning, loving that beautiful impassive man, seeing the WARMTH WITHIN NICKY knowing he NEEDS OVI'S JOVIAL NATURE IN HIS LIFE. Whenever he can say something that gets Nicky to smile it’s 100% worth all his scathing looks and comments and he drunkenly pledges that he’s going to spend the rest of his life trying to make Nicky smile as much as possible. Nicky thinks he’s certifiably insane, but eventually caves and starts hesitantly dating him, and they are definitely instantly the new old married couple at the bar. And then all the Russians and Swedes get strangely intermixed a lot. Geno and Horny being brothers etc.

The Bi Guy club is mostly just Tyler Seguin, Paul Bissonnette talking shit and giggling in a corner and occasionally leaving 5Hole to pick up down the street at the straight club.

IF ANYONE was gonna be part of the drag act that comes in on the first Friday of the month it'd be PK and his Predators. Roman Josi in drag would be so beautiful. Baby gays Kevin and Juuse, longtime queens Pekka and Shea (#denial). Those Preds are so pretty.

Johnny Hockey would be that twinky kid who is like actually maybe too afraid to have sex yet but acting all mature and like he can handle it but he's sEEN SOME FUCKED UP PORN, HE KNOWS ASSHOLES CAN JUST RIP AND HE'S SMALL he's just ANXIOUS. It doesn’t help that he’s deeply hung up on Sean Monahan who runs in the Fuck Boy circle with Tyler Seguin, Tom Wilson, Michael Latta, and Brady Skjei. He is afeared. It’s okay though, Jeff Skinner, and Beau Bennet comfort him and take in Mitch Marner when he wanders in on his 18th birthday.

There’s definitely a kind of low self-esteem but thicc as hell club? President Tyson Barrie, VP Nate Mac, Treasurer Jamie Benn. THEY ARE ALL SO SHY AND WEIRD BUT SO JACKED AND FUNNY??? Gabe's gotta always be tagging along with them because he thinks he fits right in, not because he's ugly or they're ugly but because he thinks they are all smart and funny. And also Tyson is super cute and he is INTO IT. But it like PEEVES Tyson like no other because GABE DOES NOT BELONG.

Tyson: Why does he not spend all his time with the hot swedes, he gets to be hot AND FUNNY. RUDE. Gabe doesn't know how to stay in HIS LANE. THERE IS SUCH THING AS TOO PERFECT GABRIEL. LOOK GABE, GO BACK TO YOUR HOMELAND, LOOK, THAT ONE WHO LOOKS LIKE A PIRATE PROBABLY IS MISSING YOU. 

Gabe just exchanges looks with Nate and buys Tyson a very sugary drink (basically anything that ends in -tini) and smiles at him a lot to see him turn increasingly fluorescent shades of red.

Tom Wilson and Michael Latta despite their best intentions as part of the Fuck Boy clique are those guys who have been in a high school sweethearts level committed relationship for EVER AND EVER and everyone is like "maybe you should play the field" and they're like ....I don't think I need to. Because they have everything they need in their meathead bro! Solid sports understanding? Companionship? Twice the wardrobe? A+ blowies??? Done, done and done.

There is also the older distinguished extremely handsome gentleman's society aka Henrik Lundquist and Patrick Sharp. They’re biding their time, eyeing up future Gabe and Holtby. Ovi occasionally tries to set up shop with them and they're like "Good try, you might be silver but you're still like 28."

Thennn idk probably plot would happen like Geno would start dating someone and drama would occur and someone would have to force Sid to talk about his feelings and Geno would realise that he could have had Sid all along BECAUSE WE NEED LOVE. 

5HOLE!