#anyway this is 5k words already wouldn't you believe it

[silversiren1101]

WIP Wednesday 6/14/23

More from this "How to Clean Your Ganzi" (clearly working title lol, it'll probably be "Ablution"). Loved reading everyone else's bath prompts and gushing over how cute and fluffy and sweet they were! Screaming at how my internal muse went "nah we're going to turn it into a serious talk on *that* topic instead"

“It is something I choose to do, yes, but it’s not out of indulgence, or even to relax. Not really. It’s…”, she trailed off, trying to think of how to phrase it in a way that wouldn’t make her feel as guilty and self-conscious as doing this at all made her. He continued to hold her gaze, outwardly patient, all the while. 

Then, a sudden flash of teal out of the corner of her eye caught her attention: a rather large feather shed from her writhing tail sent tumbling across the floor. Her breath caught for a split second at the sight, anxiety spiking. She internally chastised herself—It’s just one feather, this is normal, you’re just freaking out because you’re still rattled about what the Abyss did to you but you’re fine now, okay? You look fine. They look fine—and quelled it with a quick call of her still-recovering Hellknight temperance. She’d feel much better once they were properly cared for.

Her focus shifted back up to him just in time to catch that his had dipped to her agitated tail as well. A tightening of his lips and a subtle creasing around his piercing, patient gaze made her stomach drop. He most definitely knew she was anxious as all hell over this now, and it was for something as inane as bathing habits and appearances! He said nothing, but he didn’t need to. She could easily read him even without a lashing, writhing tail with a will of its own betraying every emotion in his chest and thought in his head.

Fine. 

This wasn’t worth the effort of an interrogation on his end. Not with how irrational—and she knew it was, too—the root cause was. She reminded herself that he loved her. He wouldn’t use this against her. Not him. He could be privy to the truth, and, honestly, he should. With how lovingly he’d counted nearly every one of her scales, and with how gently he’d caressed her feathers in just these few weeks of intimacy together, he’d earned the right to know.

It was decided, then.

She swallowed, and, exhaling slowly, admitted something she’d only done so with a handful of people before.

“It’s just really… stressful… being a ganzi, okay?”

His eyes went wide.

Clearly taken aback, his lips parted for a moment, then pressed together once again, bereft of an immediate response of his own. She watched his gaze flit down and away, swamped with thoughts, before it settled back on hers with an… unsureness in them. To her, a confused jumble of restrained questioning, and, most touching, tentative apology for his judgment colored them. 

A soft smile tugged at her lips at his reaction. The amount of times she’d seen Regill at a loss for words she could count on one hand. A vulnerable admittance such as this, when she always seemed so proudly confident over her scales and feathers in spite of all she’d suffered because of them, was apparently enough to add another finger to the count. Questions burgeoned in those yellow eyes as she held them with affection and amusement both, yet only silence stretched between them. She could only imagine his racing thoughts, analyzing each and every one of those questions for any possible insult, unintentional or otherwise, or some other misstep, not quite sure how to approach this conversation tactfully. 

It didn’t surprise her. They didn’t talk about themselves in this way and never had: their challenges as a ganzi and he as a gnome. The Orders as a pure meritocracy didn’t care what you were so long as you were capable and committed, and most individual Hellknights followed suit—save for rare bigots who tended to fall behind in the ranks, anyway. That wasn’t to say they didn’t know. She’d certainly seen him experience adversity due to who he was—physical limitations, prejudice, Hells, the Bleaching itself—just as he had her, but talking about it? Sincerely and vulnerably? No, no, they didn’t do that. Hellknights tackled such things as impassively as any other issue, handling it in whatever way needed without making it someone else’s problem and never letting anyone know how it affected them, if it did. 

It most certainly did her, more than she let on to pretty much anyone; just as she’d caught him staring in silence at his bleached fingers on occasion, never bringing it up on his own and only speaking with cold impartiality when anyone else did.

They were together now, though, so maybe it was time to start talking about these things? He'd more than earned her trust and vulnerability for it.

[yuriisclumsy]

I'm so excited that more people started taking cale request!!!✧\(>o<)ﾉ✧

Anyway hiii! Can I have an enemy to lovers with cale henituse and fem.reader idk something cliche like a dance scene or one gets protective of the other or maybe a cute "oh shit I'm actually in love moment"

Sorry I'm bursting with ideas rn.~

Love's Dance

Part 1 (You are here) | Part 2 | Part 3

𝚆𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝙲𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝: 2,729

Authors note: You ask, and I shall deliver. PS. why did you give me such a good idea? like, I'm at 5k word for the overall thing, and I am not even done yet... (send help)

The streets of Roan Kingdom's Capital were bustling like usual. The vendors selling their goods, children running around carelessly, mothers screaming at them to not get dirty, and the usual underground activity Arm did. 

I strolled through these streets, thinking of nothing and relaxing ‘til I get another mission. 

“That reminds me…Arm has been quiet as of late. Sigh…they are up to no good…” I spoke to no one in particular, walking back to the Quiet Isle lodge. 

Quiet Isle is an inn in an area a little off the center of the Capital. I stayed there for the past three weeks after finishing my last mission. The price to stay is cheap, while still being comfortable. It has comfortable rooms, a clear view, free breakfast, and most importantly, it wasn’t noisy at all! Bonus points for the innkeepers, as they have been nothing but sweethearts.  

All-in-all, a good Inn if you’re looking to get your coins worth. 

I went through the inn’s doors, a sweet aroma of lavender hitting my nostrils as I neared the front desk.  

The Innkeepers were an old couple, and the misses genuinely enjoyed the smell of lavender. That is why, as you walk through the inn, you’ll be met with an influx of light purples from the flowers. 

Reaching the desk, I was greeted by a senior woman whose smile could cure all kinds of child injuries. 

“Oh! Why if it is the youth I’m all too familiar with!” The old granny said, delighted to see me. 

 “Greetings, Granny Fes,” I vowed curtly with a small smile. “Have there been any new guests at the inn?” I asked as she extended her hand to give me a piece of candy. 

Receiving the small candy, I offered a small ‘thank you.’ She said a quick ‘You’re welcome!’ before responding to my question. “Yes, yes! I welcomed a few new guests shortly after you left this morning for a stroll!” she excitedly told me. 

“Two of the five I welcomed are a couple expecting a child! Isn't that exciting? Ouu, to be young again…” 

“Oh, please. I say you are still quite young!” I say to get her head out of that cloud. 

“Fufufu, you are too kind [Name].” Granny Fes pinched my cheek as she got a bit flustered. “I believe one day you’ll meet a handsome young man that is suited just for you.” She added. 

I blushed a little, “Oh no, I don’t think that will happen…” I pause for a second. “Do you really think I’ll get lucky enough to have that...?” I asked, not believing I would get someone special to spend my days with. 

“Don’t give me that!” Granny Fes yelled, as if scolding one of her own. “You are beautiful! Which man wouldn't dream of having a wife such as yourself!?” 

All I could do was smile in response. This is how I want things to always go. Living in a peaceful area, sharing memories with people I meet along the way, even starting a family. Arm is nowhere near that picture. And it will never be. 

But alas. Good things always end. 

“Ah! That reminds me. [Name],” she called my name and handed me an envelope, “You received mail from a young lad. He said it was urgent.”  

Looking at the envelope as Granny Fes left to continue her job, I had an ominous feeling, yet I couldn’t pinpoint what it was.  

I turned it around only to see Arm’s seal stamped on it. Arm only sends letters if it is an important mission, and based on the color of the seal, it is of utmost importance.  

I am already not liking this I thought, refusing to open the letter. Maybe if I were to pretend its existence was nothing but a useless paper, it would disappear. But alas, I needed to open the envelope. With worry present in my face I opened it with the seal. Inside was a letter addressing Agent White Gold.  

That code name. It is the thing I despised most in this world. 

To Agent White Gold, 

Play time is up, White Gold. You have been assigned a mission in the Henituse Territory. We have discovered the traces of the leader of the organization known as ‘True Arm.’ Your mission is to go there and find out who the leader of the organization is, dead or alive. It is your choice which one you pick.  

A carriage will come to pick you up at sunrise, so don’t miss it.  

Once you arrive at your destination one of our men will greet you and guide you to your resting location and hand you an envelope. Inside, you will find descriptions of the one we are looking for, alongside a list of individuals that we found to match the description of our target. 

Remember, Agent, we are counting on your success. 

Don’t disappoint us, 

Arm 

Dammit… The moment I receive some peace after working for them like a slave…! I angrily store the letter to shreds, as if it were them instead of the letter. All I wanted was to disappear from the eyes of those bastards. They took me from my home, changed me to fit in an identity they made…they just can’t leave me alone, can they? 

 

I wanted to say no. To be able to run away to a far corner of the world so they would never be able to find me. But it is impossible. No one leaves. Rather, they die. Dying was the only way out. 

Yet, I want to live. 

I looked at Granny Fes as she talked with a few guests that were checking out. At that moment I knew that if I tried to escape, they would get everyone I was surrounded by. She doesn't deserve that. Neither does her husband, or her children and grandchildren. 

It is best I comply. 

“Sigh…Once you're in, there is no escaping their grasp…”  

The sky was tainted in hues of blues, purples, and oranges. The sun was rising from the nap it took, and fully ready to greet us. 

A carriage arrived early at the Quiet Isle Inn. Inside stood Granny Fes and Gramps Liy right next to me. Their eyes expressed sadness when looking at me. 

“Why so sad?” I asked the couple. 

“Oh, it’s just…it’s just that we’re both sad you’re leaving so soon.” Granny Fes confessed. Her husband, a bit more stubborn, only scuffed. Granny Fes elbowed him hard with a smile still shooting at me, gaining a small scowl from Gramps Liy. 

“AGHEM,” he raised one hand to fake a cough, “I guess you will be missed.” 

I laugh at his antics. Deep down he cares, he just has an unconventional way of expressing his feelings. 

“I’ll miss the two of you.” I looked at them with a small hinge of sadness but kept a smile to reassure them. I looked outside to see the coachman wave his hand signaling that he was ready for departure. “It seems I must go,” I turned to them, “see you later?” 

“Yes, yes. Goodbye little lady.” Gramps Liy ‘shud’ me to the carriage as he and his wife stared at me opening the door of the carriage. 

“Farewell, sweetheart. Make sure to take good care of yourself. And remember to look out for good lads while you’re traveling!” Granny Fes nagged me like I was about to never come back. Although, she was right about that. I don’t think I will be able to come back if I want to protect them. 

I laughed and said a small ‘I will!’ as I climbed into the carriage. Closing the door the carriage started moving. I waved to the couple one last time before I could not see them anymore. 

Sighting, I took out the map I packed. Looking at my destination, it was a few days from the capital. “This is going to be a loong trip…” I commented, making myself comfortable for the journey ahead. 

I hope I get this mission done quickly, so I can get another vacation from Arm. I looked up at the ceiling. I mean…how hard could it be to find this ‘leader’ anyways? 

… 

An old butler walks dutifully around the state halls. In hand, he holds a tray with a fancy tea set with a steel dome keeping the food inside warm; its aroma could be smelled by the passing housekeepers with wet laundry. 

The butler knocked at a door, he did not have to wait long, as he got an immediate response from the person inside. Opening the door he says his greetings. 

“Good morning, young master. I brought breakfast along with your favorite drink.” He says as he places down the tray on the table close to the window. 

“Ah, thank you, Ron.” A male voice thanked the butler. 

“It is my pleasure, young master Cale.” The butler, Ron, bowed. 

The man, who is now identified as Cale, sat down on the table to enjoy his breakfast. 

“Young master, if I may…” Ron waited for permission to continue speaking. 

“*Sight* Just spit it out.” Cale said in an uninterested voice. This is another one of his tangents. Drinking the lemonade that Ron made as he thinks of Ron’s earlier endeavors. 

Ron smiled, “I have detected Arm activity within the city.” 

“PFF–” spilling all the lemonade on the cup, he looked at Ron with widened eyes.

What is Arm doing here?! They have more pressing issues to deal with! Like, figuring out who Real Arm is! Cale’s thought went haywire.

 

Ron took his handkerchief out and gave it to Cale to use. 

“What do you mean there is Arm activity in the city? Is it more bombs?” He asked while using the cloth given to him to clean the mess he made. 

He shook his head, “no, at least not yet. I have seen them snoop around the city for information. It would seem we left them a small lead.” 

“Not good…” 

“If you’d prefer, young master, I could go rabbit hunting.” 

Looking at Ron with a drop of sweat evident in his forehead, he reluctantly answered. “...do whatever you want.”  

“Hehe. Then I will take my leave.” He bowed before leaving the room without making a sound. 

Scary old man. He looked outside pouring more lemonade in his cup. It’s not a good sign if Arm is here. I need to prepare in case they strike. 

… 

“Hey, wake up! We’re almost there!” 

“WHAT? HUH–huh?” I got up from my seat at lightning speed, looking around in a daze. As I scoot closer to the window, I see the giant walls looming overhead. On top of one of the towers built in the wall was a flag. It was the Henituse’s family crest imprinted on it.  

I’m already in the Henituse territory! 

Getting closer at the entrance door of the city, the carriage stopped, as they had to do a check before letting anyone in. 

“Execute me, m’lady. May I have your identification paper?” A soldier asked me. 

Security check? When I traveled to other places, they didn’t ask for my identification but the coachman’s. 

I handed him the paper without complaint, receiving it right after he checked that everything was good. The other soldiers gave him a thumbs up after checking the carriage and the coachman. Without further interruption they let us through, wishing us a happy stay. 

“That was…something.” 

The coach man dropped me off at a tavern near the city square. Going upstairs to the second floor of the establishment, I sat down at a table near the edge of the balcony. Waiting for the man that was supposed to give me the information mentioned in the letter I looked out into the streets, I could see the liveliness of the people.  

They were too lively in my opinion. 

Hearing footsteps approaching my table I diverted my attention to them. I was greeted with a man wearing a hat with fancy clothing. 

“Hello, m’lady,” the man greeted by taking his hat off and vowing curtly. 

Didn’t know Arm also had rich allies. I thought, seeing the man's mannerisms. 

“Good evening,” I vowed slightly, “are you the one mentioned in the letter?” 

“Eager now, are we?” He sat down in front of me with a smug smile. He placed his hat down before taking out an envelope. He slid it across the table. As I grabbed it, I took out its content.  

It was a list of suspects. They all had red hair and were male. And that was it. No underground activities, no records, nothing. 

“That’s…it?”  

This is the only information they managed to find…seriously? I thought. Was someone able to sneak past Arm’s noses? How is that even possible? 

“Unfortunately, it is.” 

“Ha...!” I laughed at the absurdity of the situation. I looked up at the man after reviewing the list of suspects.  

“This is the only description we managed to find,” the smile on his face dropped into a frown, “only at the low cost of our scouts: a single spy was able to escape long enough to hide a piece of paper in a tree trunk…” he said. 

“....” I looked down at the list.  

To be able to kill all of our scouts…this is no meek foe. Just thinking of how strong they are sends shivers down my spine…  

“I have arranged a small room at an Inn close by here. I have left some equipment at your disposal. The location is on one of the papers in the envelope.” The man stood up and put his hat on, adjusting his suit a little before looking at me.  

“If you need anything else, I left a card at your place with instructions as to how you can contact me. Remember I’m at your service m’lady, Tata! ~” 

“I will keep that in mind.” 

Watching as he disappeared behind the doors of the second floor, I decided to order something to eat before heading to my fixed place. 

…

 

“…a festival?” Cale looked at the flier given to him. 

“That’s right,” Count Deruth, Cale’s father, said nonchalantly, “the festival will brighten the people's moods, as well as show that we are financially good.” 

Politics…. 

! 

“Wait, here it says the ‘Henituse’s’ are attending…I don’t have to attend…right?” 

Deruth raised an eyebrow in question. “You don’t have to go.” 

“...” 

I must go. *Sight* My well-deserved rest has been postponed once again… can’t I catch a break for once? 

“On that note, I have reserved a spot on the city square where we will be presiding during the time,” he said as Cale gave him back the paper.  

“You don’t have to talk–or better said–you don’t have to even move. Just sitting there is enough.” 

Cale smiled at this I don’t have to move? Seems perfect to me! 

“I’ll be attending in that case.” 

“The festival will start in a few days. Be ready.” 

Cale exited his father’s study, walking back to his room. 

I need to tell Ron about this. It’ll be no surprise if Arm takes advantage of the festival. There stands a man with black hair waiting outside Cale’s room for him to come. 

“!” 

“Young master Cale!” The man runs towards him with puppy-like energy. 

“Choi Han, is there something you need?” Cale asked. 

“I heard from Ron that there have been suspicious activities happening in the city. So, I came to ask for permission to investigate.” Hans explained. 

Cale hummed. Strange. Usually, you would do these types of things without letting me know. Perhaps he thinks this is a bit dangerous and if he doesn't return, we know where to look? 

“You can do as you please, no need to ask for my permission.” 

“I see…thank you young master,” Han vowed, “I will report back immediately once I find anything!” As he said that, he began to leave. 

“Oh, and, Choi Han?” Cale spoke before he could fully leave. 

“Yes, Cale?” 

“If you find anything, make sure to report first. Don’t go around making havoc, got it?” Cale instructed. 

“...yes” he responded with a bit of thinking, knowing it was the best decision. 

Let’s see what they have in store for us. Cale entered his room, he’ll laze around until the festival actually begins. What a bother… 

… 

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Master-List

[clarisse0o]

Camp Wiegman- Part 41

Lucy Bronze x Ona Batlle

Alternative Universe : Military School

Words : 5k

Masterlist

———————————————————————

Wednesday, January 27; 4:30 PM - Ona and Alexia's Room.

If someone had told me that one day my room would become a place where we gather to study, I wouldn't have believed it. Just a few days after starting in my new class, and I already feel completely lost. How did I choose this option? I never thought I'd say this, but... My mom was right about one thing: I’m not cut out for math at all.

"Hey, are you paying attention?" someone reminds me.

I sigh, rubbing my arm where Alessia just hit me. How can I concentrate with these subjects? There are way too many numbers!

"Can we take a break?"

"We just took one, you’re exaggerating."

I turn to smile at Alba, who chuckles behind me. She’s sitting on the floor against her sister’s bed since the two beds are taken by Alexia herself and Leah. As for Alessia and me, she insisted we sit in front of my desk to work under the best conditions. I sigh to show my discontent.

"Can we stop then? I’m starting to get fed up."

She studies me for a moment, probably wondering if I’m joking. No, I’m not. I really can’t take it anymore. My head is about to explode with the migraine that's starting to hit.

"Well... I can’t force you after all."

Her decision makes me smile, just like the other relieved groans. It was as if that was the only thing they had been waiting for since we got here. I’m just as happy as they are that Alessia is letting me off the hook. Lucy would never have let me off so easily, but I really can't continue like this. I don’t have the focus to study. My mind has been way too disturbed these past few days. The silence that had settled in the room is broken by Leah’s grunts as he stretches.

"It was about time, damn it!" Leah swears. "Anyway, I'm sick of working my ass off only to get crappy grades. I’m going to clear my head in the common room. Who's coming with me?"

"Great idea," Alba quickly replies. "I thought no one would ever suggest it."

I smile as I watch them pack up their things as quickly as lightning. Unlike them, I take my time. I’m not in as much of a rush to get out of here. The girls seem to agree. Well, Alessia is taking her time too, and Alexia doesn’t even seem to notice what’s happening with her phone in front of her and her headphones in her ears. The girls seem to understand our lack of motivation because they leave, saying we’ll meet up later. Now, it’s just Alessia and me. I turn towards Ale, who hasn’t changed her position, before turning back to Alessia again. She looks at me curiously before giving me a timid smile.

"Is everything okay?"

"If you say so..."

"You’ve been less cheerful these past few days. Is it because of classes? Or maybe it’s because of Korbin?"

I sigh and shrug. So many things have gone wrong in just one week that I don’t even know why I’m not okay anymore. The upside of all this is that I’m discovering, albeit late, the amazing people around me. I’ve always had Alexia and Leah, who continue to be sweet to me, but now they’re not the only ones. There’s Alessia, Alba, and all the others. I’m not doing well, that’s no secret anymore. I’ve tried to hide my emotions, but it’s become difficult, especially with all the sleepless nights I’ve been having.

"In a way... Listen, Alessia, I want to take advantage of the fact that we’re alone for once," I began, glancing at Alexia, who still seemed occupied.

"A problem...?"

"Oh no. Quite the opposite. I wanted to apologize."

She struggles to hide her surprise. She opens her mouth to speak, but I beat her to it.

"I misjudged you. We started off well, but I took your reaction to my orientation before Christmas break the wrong way, and it put me off."

"I noticed," she smiles sadly. "It’s okay, don’t worry. It’s more me who should apologize. It’s just that I’ve accepted myself for a long time, so I was surprised by your cold responses on the subject. But I completely understand your position."

"You have nothing to apologize for," I chuckled. "I shouldn’t have gotten upset that day. I don’t want you to think I hold a grudge against you, or worse, that I don’t like you."

"That’s not the case, I assure you," she smiles. "You didn’t have to apologize."

"It’s the least I could do. You’re still helping me with classes and all that. It’s really cool of you. I’m glad I ended up in your class," I said honestly.

Our relationship has evolved a lot over the past few weeks. The fact that we’re in the same class helps a lot. Alessia, who’s also an art fan, has the same ambitions as I do. Not only do we have a lot to talk about, but she also gives me the motivation to keep going. Without her, I would’ve probably given up on my studies. She’s far from being as good at explaining things and her methods aren’t as great as Lucy’s, but I appreciate her efforts to help me. What she offers is better than nothing.

"I’m happy to do it. I enjoy spending time with you."

"Oh, and also... I wanted to apologize for Mapi’s behavior on New Year’s. I asked her to stop, but she did whatever she wanted anyway," I laughed.

"What do you mean...?"

"Well... Mapi purposely stuck to me all evening. She wanted-"

I pause, searching for my words. I hesitate to be blunt. I sigh and shake my head. The answer should be obvious. If I want a healthy foundation with her, I need to stop avoiding things and be honest.

"She wanted to make you jealous," I finally said. "She thought you were interested in me and she wanted to have some fun. Once she gets an idea in her head, there’s no stopping her."

"She might not have been wrong," she laughs. "So she and you..."

"There’s nothing going on anymore," I quickly replied. "We’re just friends now."

"Oh... But you’re interested in someone, right? I’m sorry... but you and Ale talk a lot in code at the table, and that’s what I gathered... I thought you were talking about her."

I smile, sensing her discomfort. I had realized that she was paying attention to our private conversations. As much as Alexia tries to make sure our friends are occupied before she starts, she can’t stop mentioning Lucy at every opportunity. I really need to tell her to stop doing that at the table or any other place where we might be surrounded by people. It’s a subject that could put Lucy in danger, even if we never mention her by name. That’s not what I want, no matter how much I hate her right now. Alessia nervously runs a hand through her hair, giving me an awkward smile. She must sense it’s a sensitive topic. It is. Especially since my own friends don’t agree with my decision. Only Mapi and Alexia know, and they’ve clearly teamed up to disagree with my choice to distance myself. According to them, I’m intentionally hurting myself by doing this. They’re probably right, but what they don’t understand is that it would be worse to keep talking to her. I can’t keep developing feelings for her, and that’s what would happen if we picked up our relationship where it left off. I’ve had enough sleepless nights to be sure of my decision. Plus, my pride won’t let me forgive her so easily. Doing so would mean accepting our situation, and I don’t. Lucy needs to understand that. I sigh, running my hand through my hair. My eyes settle on Alessia, and I speak honestly.

"I... Yeah. I’m interested in someone, but it’s not Mapi, and it’s complicated."

"I could tell... I guess that’s one of your problems right now?"

I sigh and nod.

"Yeah, you could say that... One of many..."

Even with all the problems around me, this is definitely the hardest one to deal with. I simply can’t stop thinking about Lucy. I wish I could forgive her, but I can’t. I mean, what’s the point? If I did, it would mean she got what she wanted, and that’s out of the question. My pride couldn’t handle it, nor could my feelings for her. Despite everything I’ve been through, deep down, I’m completely broken. I just don’t understand her choice. I spend my time avoiding her, but I’ve ended up studying her from afar whenever we cross paths. I need to know if she’s at least a little affected by this situation. It’s hard to read her. Lucy is a very closed-off person here, in her work. She’s been even more so since our fight. I didn’t know what to think. I felt like I was seeing it because I wanted to believe it. It was my friends who made me realize it was true. They started asking me questions about her. According to them, something was wrong with Lucy, and they wondered if I knew anything. Of course, I didn’t say anything, but it made me question things again. I concluded that our fight really did affect her. I know she cares about me. It’s obvious, and she’s made it clear to me many times... Even now, she forbids me from going back home to Barcelona, thinking it’s too risky. But in what way does she care about me exactly? Did she really only expect friendship? Her decision should tell me yes, but her actions scream the opposite. There are so many reasons why she might not want to take our relationship further that I’ve stopped thinking about it. Now, I’ve reached the point where I can no longer deny that I miss her. Every day, I wish I could tell her about my day or just talk to her. However, I don’t have the courage to do it, even with all of Alexia’s encouragement and support. I know I’d crack, and that would ruin all my efforts to ignore her. Lucy is just waiting for me to give her an opening, but I won’t do it

"Otherwise…" Alessia pulls me out of my thoughts with slight hesitation. "Why don’t you talk to Bronze about Korbin and her friends? I’m sure she’d react if she knew they were persecuting you at every opportunity," she adds, making me narrow my eyes.

"I’m not going to tell her. I can handle it just fine without her," I replied, feeling defensive.

"The reason I’m saying this is because Lucy is known for being fair. She’d definitely defend you if she knew you were in this situation."

"I don’t care."

"Besides, you two seem close… I imagine she’d want to know."

"Alessia, that’s enough," I said sharply. "I’m not going to change my mind."

Groaning interrupts our conversation, which was on the verge of taking a bad turn. We turn to look at Alexia, who’s now sitting up and staring at us. I had completely forgotten about her for a moment. She removes her headphones and starts speaking.

"What? Do I have something on my face that makes you stare at me like that?"

"No," I giggled.

"I’m going to join the others downstairs," Alessia announces, standing up. "I suppose we’ll meet at the dining hall?"

I nod gently, glancing at Alexia, who doesn’t seem eager to leave either. There’s a heavy silence when the door slams shut behind Alessia. I sigh, relieved to finally be able to occupy myself freely. I stand up to get my drawing supplies and then settle on my bed. It’s the best place to immerse myself in my new drawing, which I’ve just started.

"You know, I heard what you said to Alessia."

"Oh yeah?" I said, not taking my eyes off my drawing.

"Yeah. What exactly are you trying to do? Replace Lucy with Alessia?"

"Excuse me?" I frowned.

"Alessia will never measure up to Lucy. I hope you realize that."

I raise an eyebrow, trying to see if she’s really serious about what she’s saying. It seems like she is, as she doesn’t even blink.

"You should be the first to know that I’m not trying to replace her, just forget her. Besides, Alessia is really cool. She’s been helping me a lot even though I behaved badly towards her. The least I could do was apologize and be honest with her."

Her features soften at my response. She seems to realize that she got worked up for nothing. I’m indeed starting to appreciate Alessia, but certainly not in the way she thinks. Even though Alessia may have said she likes me, it doesn’t change the fact that she’s not the one I’m interested in. Ever since I’ve known Lucy, she’s given me the impression that she’s the only one who can truly fulfill me. She understands me like no one ever has, and she’s always been able to meet my expectations. The fact that Alexia thought I was using Alessia irritates me a bit. I’m not that kind of person. It’s even more surprising that she keeps defending my supervisor. It’s not like she adores her—in fact, quite the opposite. Things were always tense between them.

"I’m sorry," she sighs. "It’s just that I don’t understand you. I’ve never seen you this down, and it annoys me that you keep ignoring Lucy. It’s good that you apologized to Alessia, but we both know that neither she, nor I, nor anyone else can be there for you like Lucy is, and we can’t help you the way she does."

"You really need to stop talking to Mapi," I raised an eyebrow.

"I’m not talking to her…"

I challenge her to contradict me again, but she just rolls her eyes in response.

"Okay, fine. Maybe I do talk to her, but I can’t help it. She asks me to take care of you since she’s not around to do it," she defends herself. "You have no idea how crazy she drives me because she’s convinced you’re not telling her everything."

It’s my turn to roll my eyes, recognizing my best friend in that behavior. When she realizes she won’t get anything more out of me, she turns to others, thinking she’ll get more information from them. Unfortunately for her, I anticipated her reaction. I knew she and Alexia would team up against me. They had already started by insisting separately to get more details on how I’m feeling. As a result, I simply reduced what I say, making sure to reassure them while not saying exactly the same thing to each of them, so they’d have something to discuss together. They don’t seem to understand that I’m grown up enough to take care of myself.

"Talking to me constantly about Lucy isn’t going to make me feel better, you know. You can pass that message along to Mapi. She keeps talking to me about it too."

"And you think drawing her is going to help you, maybe?" she teases.

My hand freezes over the sheet where I’ve indeed drawn my supervisor while she was Sleeping. I sigh, running my hand through my hair. Well, it looks like she’s got a point. I can’t help it if I’m still having sleepless nights. It was one night when I still couldn’t fall asleep, and unlike usual, she had ended up sleeping on her back. She looked so peaceful, and I found her so beautiful that I couldn’t resist grabbing a sheet of paper and a pencil from my school supplies. It was the first night I was able to fall asleep because drawing her had calmed me down.

"I… No. It’s personal torture, I suppose."

I glance at Alexia, who grimaces at my response. What else could it mean, after all? She groans in frustration before getting up from her bed.

"Come on, move over and get that drawing out of my sight."

I shift over to make room for her and take the opportunity to place my drawing materials on the floor. I barely have time to sit back up when Alexia opens her arm to me. I groan, knowing exactly how this is going to end if I get into this position.

"No," I replied.

"That wasn’t a question. Come here."

I sigh as I settle into her arms. Surprisingly, she doesn’t speak. Usually, she pushes me to my limits and lectures me until I pour my heart out. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve had to cry in front of her this week. I often end up with puffy eyes that I have to hide in the shower when I get back so that Lucy doesn’t notice. So far, my plan has always worked. Maybe she does notice and chooses not to say anything, fearing it might lead to an argument. It wouldn’t be the first time that’s happened. Today, however, it’s different. Alexia simply hugs me, resting her head against mine. I take advantage of this embrace, which is rarely this calm. We stay in that position for a long time without speaking, as she gently strokes my hair. Exhaustion overwhelms me, and before I can react, my eyes close.

Wednesday, January 27; 7:30 PM - Dining Hall.

We’ve just joined our friends in the dining hall. We arrived later than usual because of me. Alexia’s cuddles did me in, which is quite surprising. I still find it hard to believe, knowing how little can actually get me to sleep these days. Her intention was for me to rest, and I have to say she succeeded. I slept for two long hours, during which she took the opportunity to tidy up all my stuff. No one but her realized how much I needed it. Our friends were already at the table and had eaten without us, but they were kind enough to wait. I half-heartedly start on my meal once we’re seated. I’ve lost my appetite, and I know that’s not good. I don’t know how many pounds I’ve lost since I’ve been at this school, but definitely more than I needed to lose.

"Hey, aren’t you eating?" Alba asks me.

"I am, I am…" I say, bringing a forkful of mashed carrots to my mouth.

Tonight’s meal isn’t anything special. They’ve made better meals before, and certainly more appetizing ones. I scan the room, not paying attention to the conversations happening around the table. I think they’re talking about classes, but I’m not sure. My first reflex is to look across the room, where Lucy and Ingrid are sitting. I’m surprised to catch her staring at me, but I quickly avert my eyes to the rest of the room. Some students are still present, but others have already left the dining hall to go about their evening activities.

I focus on the second person in the room who’s staring at me: Korbin. That girl has a serious problem. She and her friends have targeted me for some unknown reason. For now, I’m only dealing with a few snide remarks when I cross paths with them, but they’re getting nastier. I still don’t understand what she has against me. The worst part is that she’s started to drag her friends into it. I’m really glad I have my own friends to defend me when they’re around. Especially Alba. I’ve never seen her so attentive since she found out

what was happening. According to my sources, which is none other than her sister, Leah told her after figuring out what was going on from the increasing number of snide remarks in class.

I sigh as I take another bite. I really have no luck in life. On top of that, there’s everything else happening at the same time—it’s crazy. I glance back at Lucy’s table. I’m surprised to see it empty so quickly, without having noticed anything. Usually, I always notice when she leaves the dining hall. I sigh, lowering my head. At least that saves me from stealing any more glances at her during my meal. I was about to start a conversation with Alexia, but a hand on my shoulder interrupts me.

I’m surprised to find Lucy standing behind me when I turn to see who it was. Her expression is unreadable. She’s gone back to being very detached, and I don’t particularly like it. It’s as if we’ve gone back to our early days, where only the rules mattered to her. Well, I’ve been asking for her to behave this way towards me. I’ve been ignoring her since we had our talk in the restroom. Our eyes meet, but she doesn’t react. Her hand on my shoulder hasn’t moved either.

“Is there a problem?” I ask.

“Go straight to your room after dinner.”

I narrow my eyes, understanding what she means by that. She wants me to meet her as soon as I get out of here. I close my eyes for a moment before reopening them, anchoring my gaze in hers.

“Why would I do that?”

“Because you’re exhausted.”

“And why is that any of your business?” I say through clenched teeth. “I don’t need you to manage my sleep schedule.”

She narrows her eyes at my response, which clearly doesn’t sit well with her. Her expression grows even colder.

“There’s no room for negotiation. I’m your superior, and that’s an order. If you don’t listen, I won’t hesitate to punish you.”

Her words surprise me, though I don’t let it show. It’s the first time she’s used her status to get what she wants. She’s asked me several times to come back to her room earlier, but I’ve never listened until now. It seems she’s found another way to get her way.

“This is what you want, isn’t it?” she taunts.

This can’t be real. Where’s this sudden change in behavior coming from? I can tell her question has a double meaning. I can’t even deny it. Deep down, I’ve only been distant in hopes she’d change her mind. It seems to have had the opposite effect on her. Here she is, back to being my superior. I’m irritated that she’s toying with me like this. It just gives me more reason to distance myself from her. I sigh, forcing myself not to get any more upset than I already am.

“I’ll go to my room, Commander,” I reply coldly.

“Good. You have thirty minutes, not a minute more. If I don’t see you, I’ll come get you, and it won’t be good for you.”

“The message is clear, Bronze.”

The unsettling coldness in my voice surprises even me. Lucy nods slightly and leaves without another word. She heads toward the exit, where I notice Ingrid waiting by the door. When she sees me watching, she offers a sympathetic smile, as if she knows what just happened. I return the smile before turning my attention back to the table.

“Things don’t seem to be going well between you two,” comments Alba.

“No, they’re not,” I sigh. “You were right about one thing—she’s become a real pain.”

“You think? She seems to be worried about you,” Leah replies, raising an eyebrow.

“She’s too stubborn to realize it,” Alexia retorts.

“Are you done?” I growl, shooting a particularly sharp look at Ale.

She shrugs indifferently, as if my look doesn’t matter to her. I really feel like leaving the table and isolating myself, but that would mean going back to Lucy’s room even earlier. I don’t particularly want to give her that satisfaction, though I take her threats very seriously. She’d be capable of sending me to bed without a shower and punishing me first thing tomorrow morning. I’m exasperated just thinking about it. I force myself to finish my meal, taking my time. I’m the last to finish.

The others have taken the trouble to wait for me. Even so, they’re the first to leave the table when they see my empty plate. That works out for me, as I’d like to head straight to the educators’ dormitory. That’s exactly what I manage to do. The group has gone ahead to return to the common room. They know I’ve been ordered to go to “my” room. The only person who stays with me is Alexia, as always. She walks with me up to the door of the educators’ dormitory. We haven’t spoken since earlier, but at least it’s helped to calm our irritation with each other.

“So, does their dorm look different from ours? I think you’re the only student who’s had the chance to go in there.”

I smile softly at her sudden change of subject. At least I won’t have to deal with any more of her remarks for today.

“No. To be honest, the rooms are pretty similar. The only difference is the bathroom is more modern, and the hallways are brighter and better decorated.”

“Seriously? That’s disappointing,” she pouts.

“I figured,” I chuckle.

“Ouch... I think she’s already waiting for you,” she comments, staring behind me.

I turn around to see Lucy waiting at the bottom of the stairs with her arms crossed. Her eyebrows furrow in displeasure when our eyes meet. I sigh, turning back to Alexia. I didn’t think I was late. Alexia laughs at my expression, patting my shoulder.

“Hang in there. Have a good night,” she smiles.

“Thanks,” I breathe. “You have a good night too. We’ll meet at the entrance to the cafeteria?”

“Yeah, like always.”

She kisses my cheek and then turns away. I wait until she’s out of sight before entering the building where Lucy is still standing. I walk toward her, keeping my head held high.

“I’m not late,” I say right away.

“Upstairs.”

“Oh, so you’ve decided to just give me orders now?”

“Yes, because it’s the only way to make you listen. Go on, upstairs.”

She nods toward the stairs with an expression that gives me no choice but to move. I roll my eyes and walk ahead, unenthusiastically. She irritates me when she acts like this. I stop a few steps from her door and suddenly turn around. Lucy had time to stop, maintaining a reasonable distance between us.

“I forgot my school supplies,” I realize.

“You’ll get them tomorrow morning.”

“It’ll only take five minutes,” I try.

“The answer is no.”

“Oh come on,” I groan. “Come with me if you’re worried I won’t come back.”

“I said no. Are you going to keep defying me like this? You know it’ll end badly, and you won’t get what you want anyway.”

“You’re such a pain,” I sigh.

“Don’t start again. Go on, move. It’s already late.”

“It’s only eight-thirty.”

“And you still need to take a shower,” she says, opening her bedroom door.

I enter the room, moving forward against my will. I turn around when she closes the door.

“Really?” I raise an eyebrow. “You’re letting me shower then?”

“Of course,” she rolls her eyes. “You have half an hour. Then, you’ll sleep.”

“Yeah, if you insist.”

I mutter that as I kneel in front of my suitcase, which serves as my wardrobe. Lucy’s room is so small with an extra bed that it was impossible to add any more storage. It’s very annoying to live like this, but there’s no choice since Lucy doesn’t want to let me go. I grab a new pair of pajamas and head to the bathroom.

“Thirty minutes,” Lucy reminds me as I slam the door.

I hate when she acts like this. She knows I can’t stand to disappoint her, even in this position. She’s lucky I don’t need to wash my hair tonight, but that doesn’t stop me from taking my time under the hot water. It’s the only place where I feel at peace, especially these past few days. I cherish the moments when I’m alone because they’ve become rare. I sigh as I turn off the water. I stay there for a moment, letting the water drip off my body into the tub. I get out when the cold starts to set in. I wrap myself in a towel and undo the hair tie that kept my hair from getting wet.

I stop in front of the mirror. I sigh when I see my reflection. I understand Lexa’s decisions when I look at myself now. I look awful. I’ve lost color, and my cheeks seem hollowed out. Clearly, heartache doesn’t suit me. I quickly shake off those thoughts, drying myself off before putting on my pajamas. It’s time to go back to the bedroom.

When I come out, Lucy is reading in her bed. Surprisingly, she leaves me alone. It’s probably because I’m going to bed without making a fuss. I lean over slightly to reach her nightstand. Lucy allowed me to store my phone here, and that hasn’t changed. The comment I’ve been expecting finally comes.

“No messages tonight, Ona.”

“Just a second,” I mumble. “I just want to check it, not reply.”

She nods slightly, keeping an eye on my movements. As I said, I just check my messages. As usual, they’re all from Mapi. I take the time to read them. They’re no different from the other days. She’s just checking in on me and wondering if the situation has changed. As promised, I don’t respond. I don’t feel like it, and at least I’ll have a valid excuse tomorrow night. I put my phone down and let my eyes linger on the ring in the drawer. It’s the one Lucy gave me for Christmas. I took it off after our argument. I used to play with it a lot on my finger, but I felt compelled to remove it because of its symbolism and meaning. Lucy noticed, of course. She didn’t see me take it off. I did it during the night, but the next morning, I saw her glance at my hand.

“It’s time to sleep.”

I look up at Lucy, who doesn’t seem to have looked away. I nod and I close the drawer. Without saying another word, I make sure to turn my back to her. I’ve realized that every time we talk, we tend to be cold and tense, and that’s definitely not what I need before going to sleep. I sigh, snuggling as much as I can into my blanket. I close my eyes and try to fall asleep as best as I can, but it's going to be difficult after the nap I took earlier this afternoon.

Still, just closing my eyes helps me relax. Minutes pass, and I start to drift off. I was actually on the verge of falling asleep when I heard Lucy get up behind me. I hear her sigh heavily, and a few seconds later, I feel her lips against my forehead. I have to fight against myself not to open my eyes at that gesture. She can’t know that I��m still awake. She pulls away but lets her hand linger in my hair.

“Sorry, Princess... I hope you can have some sweet dreams, for once.”

These words are only murmurs, but I heard them clearly. It’s when I no longer feel her touch and notice that the small light has finally been turned off that I realize she’s gone to bed too. Unable to control myself, a few tears slip from my eyes. Why did she apologize? I didn’t need that right now. I clutch the blanket as tightly as I can. That night felt really strange. Without being able to explain it, I managed to fall asleep a few minutes later.

[stxrvel]

greatest fear (3)

series summary: you woke up from a long coma with no memory of a part of your life only to be told by your teammates that you're married to the man you hated seven years ago. even though that seemed to be the only problem, as time goes on you're realizing there's a lot more history and mystery behind the accident that left you in medical care for months. blackouts, more memory loss, mistrust and a strange man who seems to be connected to everything. every day it gets harder to trust anyone around you, but you won't stop until you can finally uncover the truth behind the accident.

chapter summary: bucky has to learn to deal with the fact that things don't always work out the way we want them to.

pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader

words: +5k i think

warnings: none? angst, that's for sure

note: hello!!! i think it's been almost a month? but better late than never. this didn't came out like i wanted at all, but i'm still gonna publish it bc i don't dislike it that much. i probably could've approach the subject way better. maybe i'll edit this someday. anyway, i do hope you all like this and give it some love 💜 i'll try to keep it up to get you guys pt 4 sooner, but i don't promise anything. feedback is always appreciate!! thank u all!!

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Everyone already knew Bucky's greatest fear. He had spent years being untouchable, seemingly the only person on the team who wasn't afraid of anything, not even living on the edge. They had spent years getting used to seeing the inscrutable face of an emotionless man. And they'd spent years thinking that was never going to change. To be honest, Bucky believed the same thing. As he resumed his “normal”, ordinary life, he felt that there was nothing he hadn't experienced before and that, because of that, there was nothing that could really hurt him. So why bother worrying about anything, why be afraid in the first place?

Bucky used to be an unflappable person. Even after meeting you, after confessing his feelings for you, after knowing that you might be a weak spot, Bucky still thought he wasn't afraid of anything. What's more, with you by his side he considered himself an invincible person. Unreachable. The people around him saw him as so sure of himself that they never once doubted that he could be the most fearless man in the world.

Until you had the accident.

Bucky began to see the world in dark colors. He had been afraid, yes, he had said so many times. But he was also struck by how close he had come to going insane. The people around him had ceased to view him with respect, but with concern. He had never allowed himself to be seen that way, because even if he had ever felt in a similar way, he had never been as strong as he was that time. He was at a point of vulnerability that was almost incomparable to anything that had happened in his life before.

The level of despair and stress he was dealing with from the moment he found out about your accident until months later when he knew how to manage his emotions, he couldn't quantify it in a rational way.

And the people around him were sympathetic, but he still hated that he had let himself be seen that way. The quivering mess he'd become since he found out about it haunted him like a symphony echoing in his head on the highest note. Sometimes it wouldn't let him think, wouldn't let him remember, wouldn't let him live. Even being there in a room with you, there was nothing but a din of incongruous notes crashing against each other, without any harmony, without any order.

At other times there was silence. A deafening silence sometimes accompanied by a beeping that increased as the minutes progressed. The voices were echoes and the images were blurred figures in the distance. There was nothing else in his head but space to process the silence.

Everyone knew Bucky's biggest fear, and it had caused him some long-term problems that he still didn't know how to handle. Since everyone knew that, he was no longer the fearless Bucky, the most daring person. Now he seemed to be perceived as a walking time bomb, even though he seemed to be the one who handled the situation the best… well, not from the beginning, but he learned to cope.

He hated that that stage of vulnerability had become so embedded in the memories of others that it was now the only thing they evoked when they thought of him. He hated that consideration. As much as he wanted and appreciated the support, he hated when it came from regret. From condescension. Of the wary glances. Like tiptoeing around him in fear that he would explode at any moment.

That was how Bucky felt at that moment. With everyone watching him around him, thinking that at any moment he would freak out and start screaming at each of them.

“She's okay now,” Bucky heard Natasha's voice flooding the room that had become the recipient of an imperturbably uncomfortable silence. Her voice was neutral, calm and patient, like the others', even though their faces showed incomparable chagrin.

Bucky let out a long sigh and let his gaze fall on any object in that room.

The rain was lashing hard against the city that day. The drops bounced off the large window and fell swiftly towards the end of their ephemeral life where gravity used to drag them down. The cold crept into the building through every crevice it could find, as if seeking any refuge from itself within the warmth of the human structure.

Bucky didn't plan to ever feel fear again.

He was constantly surrounded by worry, but tried to reassure himself that you were in a safe place surrounded by people who were willing to protect you. Until Steve appeared running down the hallway of the rooms shouting his name, and then yours, and then named Dr. Cho. A peculiar combination of words but they were enough to push him over the edge.

He had never run so fast from one end of the building to the other since that fateful day.

Memories slipped as fast in front of his eyes as raindrops did that day, swept away by the restlessness of his mind surrounding almost possible catastrophic scenario. Bucky knew he shouldn't do that, but telling him not to was like going against nature.

The worst part was that he couldn't see you as soon as he got to the medical wing of the Complex. He could barely make you out through the glass doors.

And so hours went by.

Bucky stayed in the next room waiting for some news, when one by one the others began to arrive.

Near midnight Natasha appeared and finally gave him good news.

“They stabilized her and are now waiting for the drugs to take effect.”

Bucky nodded at her words and the vibe in the room finally changed. Sighs of relief and comforting words leapt into full view, but Natasha didn't take her eyes off Bucky.

“What happened to her?” he finally dared to ask, though he knew the answer the moment the redhead entered the room.

“They still don't know. One moment they thought it was cardiac arrest, then a stroke, then she had seizures. But finally she was just… still. At some point she regained consciousness and said her whole body hurt. The doctor gave her some medication and now she sleeps. All her vitals are fine, like nothing ever happened.”

Bucky was not thinking clearly. He had understood every single word that came out of Natasha's mouth, but he couldn't pin his thoughts down to a single idea. His mind was conjecturing at an incomprehensible speed and it was causing him severe irritability that he couldn't come up with a solution.

“Did she say anything else?”

“No.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

--

It had been six hours when you woke up. Bucky had settled into a chair in the corner of the room, not too far or too close to where you were lying, and was trying to get some sleep, but worry wouldn't leave him. Steve accompanied him for a while before he had to leave on a mission, and Natasha stopped by at some point to drop off something to eat before leaving, just like Steve, on a mission. After that, he must have spent about two hours trying to fall asleep, but it seemed an impossible task. The constant sound of the machine monitoring your heart kept him unconsciously aware of his surroundings. And, even if there were no external stimuli to keep him awake, his mind would have done so. The fear, the panic, the hopelessness…. He almost feared that you would never even wake up again.

His body almost reacted to your movements because he opened his eyes just as you were beginning to move on the gurney.

“Y/N?”

Rising from the chair, he began to slowly approach you, even though his body was begging him to run to your side and wrap you in his arms. He watched you move one of your arms to cover your eyes for a moment, before focusing your gaze on his.

Your frown did not bring him good news.

“Where am I?”

Finally reaching where you were, Bucky pressed the button on the side of the gurney to call the doctor, his heart heavy and aching. That those were the first words out of your mouth should have made him understand what had happened, and in a matter of seconds the limbs of his body shook with a shudder. But it couldn't be like that, he couldn't go through that again. Bucky was not in the capacity to go through that again.

He was promptly convinced otherwise and focused on your confused expression.

“You're at the Avengers Complex in Washington.”

“What do I do…?”

“You were in an accident. You lost consciousness for several hours.”

The dazed expression on your face didn't change and Bucky's nerves ascended with each passing second. The words came out of his mouth as an automatic response and your face contracted taking in the reality, but you didn't seem to make peace with understanding. The few things Bucky had told you seemed to only worsen your state of confusion.

“Do you know what day it is?”

When you shook your head, Bucky felt a cold chill run through him as if he were standing in the middle of a heavy snowfall. The fear he had deprived himself of and had almost prayed he would never feel again was making its way through his mind and body, and if he didn't stay calm things were not going to go well.

“It's November fourth of the year 2023. Do you remember anything about this year?”

You shook your head again. Your expression was starting to change from confusion to fear and Bucky knew he had to do something soon to keep you from being consumed by the feeling.

“No… No, I don't understand… what's going on. It's like my head is totally black. There's no-I don't see…”

Your distressed gaze met Bucky's and your bewilderment bordering on concern caused a pang in his heart. He felt like he could die of a broken heart at that moment. He didn't know what the look on his face was, but he knew it must not be as neutral as he wanted it to be because somehow he had to let out the feeling that was choking him at that moment. It seemed like that look Bucky had on his face gave your tears permission to start bulging in your eyes.

“I can't remember anything. At all,” you sobbed. “I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't remember what happened. I don't remember who-”

Bucky watched your eyes move around the room and noticed how you clenched your hands on the sheet. Your breathing becoming ragged confirmed to him that you were about to have a panic attack. Of all the times he had done it before, he automatically reached out to you and took your hands in his. He swallowed the feeling that wanted to overpower him and the hopelessness in a second. He couldn't leave you in that situation at that moment. Your glassy, big eyes turned to his.

“You're okay right now, okay?” with your eyes locked on his, still breathing erratically and your heart about to burst, you nodded slightly. “Okay, then breathe with me and then we'll talk again.”

Bucky took a deep breath, lifting his shoulders and not taking his eyes off yours to urge you to mimic him. He stayed in that position until you did the same, taking a shaky breath and tightening your fingers around his hand. The tears wouldn't stop coming and the sight almost made him cower in the corner of his head to cry with you.

“Now let the air out of your mouth slowly.”

Exemplifying your words, Bucky let the air out and you mimicked him next, still not letting go of the trembling.

Bucky took another deep breath and you followed suit, expelling the air once he did.

Like that, again and again.

And again.

And again.

Until you could only stare into his blue eyes without a single thought in your head.

“Feeling better?”

You nodded without a word.

Bucky could notice your lowered shoulders and the few tears on your red cheeks, so he ventured to let go of your hands. He didn't let it go unnoticed the way your eyes parted from his, after so long, to observe the place where your hands were joined. You intertwined your own hands and let out a sigh. Bucky had to swallow again the feeling and the urge to move closer. It made him angry inside because he thought he had already learned how to handle the distance and because he didn't think he would have to go through such a scenario again, but life is full of surprises.

“I understand that you're scared and worried, okay? But I want you to try to stay calm for a while while Dr. Cho asks you some questions and runs some tests, are you okay with that?”

Bucky watched as you shook your head as he pointed behind him to where there were two women standing in the door frame who he had heard enter a few minutes ago, but didn't acknowledge their arrival until you were calm and willing. He was dying to know what had been going through your head as you cocked it and frowned slightly watching the women.

“Yes,” you barely mumbled, but Bucky could hear you perfectly. He could hear you even in any kind of crowd.

With a heaviness in his soul, Bucky got up from the gurney and gave Dr. Cho and the nurse, Christina, room to pass.

He took a few more steps away, until he was near the door, and it weighed on him to see how your eyes did not leave his figure. He didn't know whether to leave or to stay there waiting for them to finish. He didn't want to leave you alone, that was clear, but the pressure in his chest grew stronger with each passing second, and he wasn't sure he could stay any longer if you kept looking at him like that. Like he was the only person in the room, like he was the only person who mattered, like he was someone you remembered… but you don't. You don't remember him. Not anymore.

--

Bucky found himself wandering around the Complex until he decided to settle on the rooftop. He thought that spending that time alone wouldn't do him much good because his mind would replay over and over again the moment when you had that frightened expression on your face again, and then he wouldn't have time to try to calm down and regain his composure. And he did. For a few minutes.

Bucky let his mind snap. The tension building up on his shoulders was too much, and if he didn't let it out, he feared it would explode inside him. He was thankful to be alone at that moment because he didn't like to cry around people. Not just crying, but expressing too much in general.

At that moment he was crying not only for his suffering, but for yours. Because more than not wanting to go through it himself, he had to think about what you must be feeling and thinking, being in a completely foreign environment and with strangers proclaiming to know you more than you know yourself. Bucky hated the thought of you having to go through that again, even if you didn't remember the first time. Bucky was crying on that rooftop because once again life had robbed you of the well-being you deserved, because you could no longer spend a moment fully aware of yourself.

More than his pain, Bucky ached to think of yours.

And what could he do about it? Nothing. Just like last time.

He didn't know how long he'd been there, arms resting on the edge of the rooftop overlooking the green field around Complex. He only knew it was around noon when Tony Stark opened the door behind him.

“You must be hungry,” was the first thing the man behind him said, trying to lighten the tense mood that must have been surrounding Bucky at that moment. But no, he didn't have time to think about mundane things.

“Not really.”

A silence settled and he knew Tony must be weighing whether or not it had been a good idea to show up there knowing he was alone. Bucky really didn't mean to be hostile, he just felt too much anger and rage against life and the universe inside his body that he wanted to get out somehow. It wasn't the right thing to do, of course, and he was trying to control himself, but he didn't deny that it would be difficult.

“I'll leave it here, anyway. Just in case.”

Bucky caught the sound of the bag and then the sound of Tony's shoes that weren't moving away but coming closer.

“Thanks.”

“It's the least I could do.”

“And you didn't have to. I was almost going down anyway.”

Tony snorted, moving closer to the wall where Bucky was leaning.

“Surely you don't even know what time it is.”

“Surely,” Bucky agreed, nodding.

Both men took a detailed look at the trees stretching a long distance away in an oddly comfortable silence.

“Did Dr. Cho say anything?”

Tony turned to watch him, and stood for a moment pondering what to say.

“Everything's fine. She ran several tests, but everything came back fine.”

“Everything's fine except her memories are gone again.”

“She thinks it may be some kind of condition left in her brain after the accident.”

“It's been over a year now, Tony.”

“I know. They're exploring every alternative.”

Bucky nodded, getting a bitter feeling in his mouth. He knew he should be grateful you were alive, but damn, did you have to go through all that?

“How's she doing?”

“She's looking good. She hit it off real quick with Christina and was eating with Clint when I came out.”

“And she's eating well?”

“Yeah, the usual.”

Bucky nodded again. Maybe he should come back, stay with you for a while and talk about some things; anything. But every time he thought about going back he felt that tug in his chest that made him recoil from any progress. He didn't want the situation to overcome him, but he was losing the battle.

“Barnes, I wanted to tell you-”

“Tony, it's not necessary.”

“It is, especially at this time.”

“No, it's not,” Bucky spat, shifting his body to stare at the mechanic. “Especially right now, it's not.”

The man pursed his lips and Bucky turned away to look at the lunch that should have been inside the white bag on the table.

“I just wanted to say I'm sorry. For everything. That was it.”

Bucky turned to look at the man who had settled in the same way, both of them with their backs to the green field. Bucky sighed, and knowing Tony he knew he couldn't leave without having his conversation. But maybe that would do him good. It had been months since he'd last talked to anyone about that situation.

“There was no way to foresee it, you know that.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Bucky watched the man shake his head as he did every time someone gave him a similar comment. He just wouldn't accept it.

“I could have been more vigilant, you know? I've spent my life trying to learn from my mistakes, trying to take care of the people in my charge, trying to do my best to keep everyone safe. I still don't understand how… How I could have made that mistake.”

“We were dealing with something bigger than ourselves. I think, even if you had gone all out, there couldn't have been any other ending. And believe me when I tell you I'm the person who would have wanted another ending.”

Bucky crossed his arms over his chest with his eyes on the rooftop floor. His mind roamed over those memories he tried not to return to under any circumstances, and he allowed it only because he couldn't deal with that situation any other way.

“I had to have tried.”

“Tony, I know you did your best. And I also know that after everything that happened you asked FRIDAY a thousand times if there would have been another chance to have avoided what happened. Did you have an answer?”

Tony didn't answer.

“Then it doesn't make sense for you to blame yourself for something you simply couldn't have controlled. I guess that's the way things were supposed to be.”

“It's unfair.”

“Life isn't fair to anyone.”

Bucky stepped away from the wall and reached over to take the bag Tony had brought him. “Thanks for this.”

And without further ado, he walked into the building once more.

--

From outside, Bucky watched you talking animatedly with Clint and Carol. Dr. Cho had told him that, although she had not yet been able to find the reason why you had lost your memories again, you were in perfect health. Bucky wanted to punch a wall, but settled for thanking her for looking out for you.

The day had gotten extremely long and he had only spent a quarter of it with you. It was already dusk and he had barely mustered the strength to come see you. And seeing you there, so giggly and happy, made him question whether he should come in and ruin all the fun. He knew his face was a jumble of a hundred emotions that he still couldn't quite control, because even seeing you caused him a sharp pain in his heart that he couldn't tolerate. So he didn't know if going in looking like that was the best choice.

But before he could weigh it further, your gaze met his through the masses of air, and his breath hitched for a few seconds.

The look of recognition you gave him brought a sense of warmth to his body. It was like wiping a damp cloth over his bruised heart. Bucky knew you didn't remember him, but that in such a short time you could give him that kind of look meant too much to him. Your face looked much more serene than the last time you had seen each other, and you no longer had so many wires around your body embedded in your skin, from what he could see from a distance.

Maybe it was indeed safe for him to enter.

Act normal, act normal…

“Hi, Bucky!” you greeted him effusively.

Bucky felt his body faint. Halfway through he planted his feet on the ground and watched the other two with you hold back smiles. Well, Clint wasn't so sneaky.

“How's it goig Bucky? Did you enjoy lunch? It was courtesy of Tony for everyone.”

“Yeah,” he replied dryly. He knew Clint was trying to keep his spirits up, but he didn't feel moodily ready to keep talking to other people, just to share a pleasant silence with you.

“Y/N ordered ravioli,” Carol added to the conversation, turning to look at your red face. “And she also ordered your lunch.”

Bucky frowned.

“I'm glad you liked it,” you mumbled in his direction, barely audible but crystal clear to him. His heart flipped, and he hated that his mind was trying to remind him of where he stood. He wanted a small moment of ignorance.

He didn't know what to say other than thank you, so he just stood there in front of them in a very awkward position.

“All right, Y/N, our fun is over.”

“You're leaving already?”

Bucky detailed you looking at Clint as he and Carol stretched to leave. He mentally wondered if it bothered you to be left alone with his presence, if you didn't want them to leave and leave you with him. If you saw him as an annoying, grumpy figure. He wondered if the others had said something to you about him that suddenly made you see him in a less sympathetic or friendly light. He wondered if-

“We have a mission to attend, and we're very punctual,” Carol's voice broke in on Bucky's train of thought.

“As soon as we get back we'll be here. We have a lot of other things to talk about.”

“Okay, have a good one!”

Bucky watched you shake your hand in farewell to the two people who were leaving the room and was surprised at how much your attitude had changed since he saw you after you woke up. But hey, it had been a while since then. Maybe you had been able to make peace with what had happened by now, and they must have told you everything?

“How are you?” Bucky found himself suddenly asking.

“I'm feeling fine. Besides the obvious, I'm not in any more pain. Dr. Cho told me I'll probably be discharged tomorrow.”

“That's good,” the man mused. “And you want to talk? About what happened.”

You made a thoughtful grimace that Bucky found quite tender, but his mind conjured up the times when you'd made similar grimaces in the past and he'd planted a kiss on your mouth. It wasn't a good time to reminisce about things like that, and the twinge in his heart proved him right.

“Not really,” you replied. “Why don't we talk about you?”

“About me?”

“Yes.”

“And what things do you want to talk about me?”

“Well, I was told that our relationship was different from the friendship I had with everyone else, so we can start there.”

“You want to know what kind of relationship we had?”

“Mm-hm.”

“We were married.”

Your eyes expanded in surprise, as if you expected any answer but that one. Which was strange for Bucky because he couldn't conceive of what other kind of relationship you could have besides a friendship.

“Married?”

“Yes.”

“But I don't have any rings,” you mumbled as you held up both hands to look at your fingers, then held them out to him, as if to let him see you weren't lying.

“You don't use it anymore.”

“Why?”

“Well…” Bucky didn't know how far to go with his historical account because he didn't know how much Dr. Cho or the others had told you and he didn't want to saturate you with information either. “What do you know about what happened?”

You took a deep breath and brought your hands to your lap as if you had been waiting for that question. It probably was.

“Dr. Cho told me that I had an accident over a year ago due to which I was in a coma and lost my memory. That a couple of months after being in the hospital I was discharged and came to live here. And that almost two days ago I had some kind of incident that caused me to lose my memory again.”

Bucky was taken aback by the matter-of-fact way you told him all that. The only thing that was going around in his mind was how before you didn't like to mention the subject at all and used to avoid it any way you could unless it was strictly necessary. At that moment it was as if you were telling someone else's story and not your own, because not a hint of emotion could be seen on your face.

“Then why don't I wear the ring?”

Bucky held his frown. This was definitely almost that much of a sharp change to the last few times he interacted with you.

“Hum… You've had it removed since the accident and I gave it to you after some time in the hospital, but I told you that you didn't have to wear it if you didn't want to.”

“Oh, I understand. So I decided not to wear it. And where is it?”

“I don't know. You kept it. Maybe it's somewhere in your room.”

“Right. I'll go look for it when I get back.”

Bucky nodded at your words not really knowing what to say. He didn't know how to act in reason to your behavior. Well, it should be good that it didn't seem to affect you as hard as it did before, but he found it hard to believe that it didn't affect you at all. Could it be that it really was?

He couldn't know for sure, but the calm expression on your face was about to convince him completely. The way you looked like you didn't have a care in the world made him feel much better, and he would definitely battle to make it last much longer.

“Besides that, is there anything else you want to tell me?”

Too many things.

“No.”

You let out a short laugh that bloomed in Bucky's chest.

“Then our relationship boils down to: we were married, and that's it.”

The man shrugged, not really having a clue what else to say about it.

At his gesture, you exhaled with a determined look.

“We were close?”

“Yes.”

“Did we make jokes?”

“Yes. You mostly.”

“It definitely had to be that way. Did we go out on dates often?”

“Yes.”

“Did we argue?”

“Not a lot.”

“Okay. Did we buy each other gifts?”

“Yeah.”

“Aw. Did we live together?”

“Sure.”

“Did we sleep in the same bed?”

“Of course.”

Bucky frowned as you stood for a few seconds in silence, just watching his face.

“We had children?”

The man went blank for a few seconds, only looking into your eyes. He definitely wasn't expecting that question, but it was something that had been on his mind a lot before.

“No.”

“Ah. So, did we travel a lot?”

“Yes, we traveled quite a bit.”

“Excellent!” you smiled genuinely at him, with that kind of smile he loved and that since the accident he had almost never seen. If he had seen it, it hadn't been directed at him. “Then we were a good match.”

Bucky smiled. It was almost an instinct. His mind flashed back to the one memory that at the time didn't cause him sadness: sometime, someday, you had told him that some questions had to be answered in a positive way to know if they had fulfilled their purpose of being a perfect couple. He didn't remember if it was those same questions, but he could make the connection to that memory he had of you at the time. Then, for a second, he allowed himself to enjoy the present. No worries, no sadness. You were alive right there in front of him, in an excellent state of health and, it seemed, a good state of mind. Beyond that, what could he ask for? All that was left for him to do was to make the most of every moment he had.

“Yes, we were a good couple.”

--------

A/N

😶😶😶😶😶

what are we thinking?

Taglist: @cjand10 @yallgotkik @ruffdog921 @coracal @its-just-kayy @pono-pura-vida @vampiresarezombies @kaz11283

[notiddygxthgf]

9. Bathroom

★ pairings: aki hayakawa x fem reader

★ ❝ You're sick and perverted, Captain. ❞ ❝ Call me that again. ❞

★ c.w.: smut. (more content warnings and tags)

★ a/n: HEY YALLLLL!! OK SO. i apologize if this seems like not a lot. This was originally one 12,000 word chapter, but I split it up for pacing purposes! I know this is a very fast paced story, teehee. ANYWAY!!! i know what yall are here for. You know what I'm here for, tho... keep commenting, and I'll keep the chapters coming! this is so un-beta'd. LMFAOAO

★ w.c: .5k

shameless ; chapter index

YOU WOUND UP STAYING THE NIGHT, as per Aki's request. Despite being up late, the two of you rose at six the next morning—early enough that you had just enough time to eat and put your uniform back on while Aki prepared breakfast for the two of you. He had placed a gentle kiss on the top of your head when you took a seat at his kitchen table, murmuring a quiet good morning into your hair. 

You didn't want to leave the little bubble you'd been in with him, of course, but duty called. 

The1 two of you arrived at the Tokyo Headquarters building separately—like you hadn't spent the night snuggled up to his chest, sleeping with his arms wrapped around you and your legs intertwined with his. 

Like he hadn't circled the block a few times after dropping you off so that it wouldn't seem so suspicious. 

Sitting in the second-to-last row, you fiddled with your fingers, the nervous habit giving you something to anchor yourself to. The images on the screen—a series of gruesome diagrams and photos of devil carcasses—blurred together as your attention faltered. The last thing you wanted was to be there, stuck listening to another tiresome report. 

The official's voice was a monotonous blur, droning on about new devils, potential connections, and endless casualties. 

You tried to focus, really, but the words slipped through your grasp, your mind wandering back to the warmth of Aki's embrace, the feel of his chest rising and falling beneath your cheek. It was hard to believe that just hours ago, you had been tangled up with him, cocooned in a world of your own. 

You glanced around the room, and your eyes landed on the back, where Aki stood, tall and composed next to the door, his hands folded behind him. 

Your breath caught in your throat when your gazes locked. 

His eyes were intense, dark with an edge of something you recognized all too well. You couldn't tear your eyes away, your heart pounding as a current of tension sizzled between you. 

Aki's lips quirked slightly, and his hand lifted ever so subtly. He made a small, almost imperceptible "come here" gesture with his finger—an invitation for you to join him. 

You swallowed hard, shook your head, and mouthed a firm "no," but even as you did, your resolve was already slipping, and a coy smile was playing at your lips. 

He responded by biting his lower lip, a familiar look of playful defiance in his eyes as he tilted his head toward the door. 

He had no fucking shame. 

You turned back to the front, fighting the urge to roll your eyes, and tried to refocus on the meeting. But it was useless. Your thoughts were a tangled mess, and all you could think about was the temptation pulling you toward him – about following him into the hallway and letting him pin you against the wall, working your fingers into his hair and undoing the topknot you had grown to adore.

You tried to push it down, to convince yourself that staying was the right thing to do. But the thought of slipping away, of being alone with Aki again, was too tempting to ignore. 

But, fuck... Hardass Hayakawa, walking out of a meeting to ravage you... Another glance over your shoulder, and your heart fluttered—Aki was gone. 

There was an empty space by the door where he had been standing a moment earlier. 

Should you do it? Should you really sneak out in the middle of an important briefing? Seconds ticked by, each one stretching longer than the last. 

Then, almost without thinking, you stood up, your decision made. With a quick, quiet apology to the people you shuffled past, you made your way out of the room, your pulse racing with a mix of nerves and excitement. 

I'm no better than him.

Aki gripped the meat of your ass in his hands, throwing your legs around his waist while your tongues wrestled for dominance. You tossed your arms around his shoulders, head reeling from how effortlessly he had picked you up. He walked the two of you backwards until your back slammed against the bathroom door.

The gasp that escaped your lips at sudden movement was swallowed up by his kisses. He teetered slightly before throwing your legs over his hips, then he continued to ravage you against that surface, too, tongue slipping in between your lips and exploring your mouth. You trembled against him, trying your best to keep up with him.

"Missed you," he hummed against your lips. 

"We were apart for, like, five minutes," You giggled. "You haven't had enough of me yet?"

"Never enough," He retorted. "Five minutes felt like five years."

You didn't even care that you were letting him have you right there in the Public Safety family bathroom. In that moment, all that mattered was his lips against yours, his hands on you, his attention.

You snaked your hands up the back of his neck and into his ponytail, twisting some of the dark strands between your fingertips. "You're sick," You gasped, relishing in the way his kisses felt up and down your neck. "Sick and perverted, Captain."

"Mmm..." He mumbled, "Call me that again. Turns me on like fuckin' crazy."

"What?" You grinned – delirious and love-drunk, "Captain?" 

He groaned in response. His grip on your neck tightened in response as he tilted your head to get a better angle into your mouth.

He was so dirty – so fucking dirty and depraved, but, fuck...

So were you, apparently.

His fingertips applied pressure on all of the right areas, pushing down on your blood supply while still – just barely – giving you room to breathe. You wrapped your legs around the man, bringing him closer until his chest was pressed flush up against yours. The violent clash of teeth and tongue that came from the desperate lips exploring yours made your head spin with pleasure. That and his unrelenting grip on your neck. 

Just as your eyes began to roll back you felt your lashes fluttering. Aki took his hand back without any further warning, and you gasped at the sudden rush of air that entered your lungs.

"You're insatiable," You panted. Between kisses, you managed to get out, "What would your subordinates think– hmm?If– If they knew you were–"

"Shut up and kiss me before the meeting ends and someone finds us," He cut you off, licking his lips.

His hands found their way down to your thighs, grasping the buckle of your belt and popping it open. His breath was warm against your neck.

You made a surprised noise. "You sure you just want a kiss?"

"I want whatever you'll let me have – I could eat you up, be eaten up by you," He replied. "Or, if you want, I could always go for another round."

Under any other circumstance, you would have gotten flustered on him. But then you remembered where you were and what you were doing – cheating on your husband with a Lieutenant Captain for the hundredth time this month in the workplace bathroom, nonetheless – and you figured you had long since moved past that.

"Aki," you whined. "Someone could walk in here any minute now."

He crooned into your ear, "Not when I have you pinned to the door, they can't."

His back was so toned, so strong, fuck, it was turning you on like crazy and you had no idea why. You could slide your fingers over the muscular valleys of his shoulder blades for hours. 

"Can I be honest?" He panted. His leg nestled itself between your bare thighs. "I wanna fuck you so bad right now."

How romantic.

You were throbbing. You wanted nothing more. It was kind of funny – the way your hips began moving on their own, rutting against his thigh like a desperate whore just to take the edge off. It was like you were made for him.

He brought you into another searing kiss. He let you ride his thigh, keeping you pinned there against the wall.

"So fucking bad," He practically moaned into your mouth. His words came out a little bit slurred, but it could have been because he said those words right up against your lips. 

This was wrong. Very wrong. But the moment you felt his hand slip between your sweaty bodies and into your slacks to brush over the waistband of your panties, you couldn't care less.

"I've been thinking about ripping these off of you all morning," He purred. He snapped the waistband against your stomach.

His experienced fingers traced over the damp spot in your panties. Your body betrayed your will, leaning into his touch. You wanted this. You wanted this so fucking bad it hurt.

"You want that, baby?" He asked you. His eyes were half lidded and dark, pupils blown wide as he licked his lips.

"And– hah– if someone hears us?" You asked timidly. It was a bit late, but, still.

"They won't," He smiled breathlessly. 

It was getting a bit hard to focus when his thumb was rubbing up and down – slowly – between your clothed folds.

"Not if you keep quiet for me," He chuckled. Fuck, he looked so beautiful... you couldn't do anything but trust his word. His index finger toyed with the bottom of your drenched panties, tracing the lace pattern on the hem. "Or, if you think that'll be too hard, I can shut you up, myself."

"Yeah?" You licked your lips slowly. Letting your hand act on its own free will, your fingers slipped beneath the neckline of his shirt. His Public Safety coat had long since been abandoned, laying neatly folded atop the toilet. You felt him lean into your touch. "And how do you plan on doing that, Captain?"

He smelled so good. It was making your head spin, even as he set you down onto your feet with a gentle grace.

The depraved smile Aki gave you could have powered an entire city. "By putting that pretty mouth of yours to good use. Would you like that?"

You didn't have to think about your words for even a moment, "Fuck, yes."

"Right here? In the bathroom?" He added, "Dirty girl, can't even wait until we get home, hmm?" Then, after a brief pause, he nodded towards the corner of the – albeit very clean – bathroom. "On your knees. Hands behind your back."

You don't think you had ever scrambled to your knees so quickly in your entire life. Like the obedient little dog you were, you knelt down on the floor in the corner, folding your hands behind your back.

He joined you only a moment later, his tall body obstructing your view as he towered over you. Your heart was racing a mile a fucking minute inside of your chest, pounding against your ribs like it wanted to break free. Slowly, tentatively, Aki took a step forward, staring down at you over his nose. His eyes twinkled with mischief beneath the fluorescent bathroom light. 

He unclasped his belt, slipping it out of the loopholes. "You look even prettier on your knees, you know that?"

You could only peer up at him, wide eyes blinking like you were waiting for his next command. You knew it was wrong. In fact, it went against everything you stood for as a feminist, being on your knees in front of your Commanding Officer in a public bathroom like this. 

Still, it filled you with a certain breathless kind of thrill – the kind that had you pressing your thighs together for some sort of friction.

He squatted down in front of you, gently caressing the side of your face. "So fucking perfect for me. So obedient. What did I do to deserve such a good girl?"

You merely whimpered in response. The anticipation was killing you.

He reached around your back, fumbling for your arms before wrapping the warm leather of his belt around them. He wound it against one side, and then the other, and then pulled it taut until you could feel the cold metal of the buckle pressing into your wrists.

Then he rose to his feet, keeping his hand placed atop your head, your hair. 

He was going to be the death of you.

You sputtered unceremoniously, blowing a stray hair out of your eyes.

Aki reached for his ponytail and tugged it out.

You'd never seen him with his hair down from above – though you had certainly seen it from below, as per the previous night's activities – but you decided that it was something you wanted to see more often. He carded one of his hands through his inky black hair, it was... remarkably silky for a man who slaughtered devils for a living. 

He looked down at you before slipping the hair tie around his wrist. He reached down, combing his fingers through your hair and gathering all of it into a fistful. Then, he slipped the hair tie off of his wrist and tied it back for you – twisting his hands with considerable expertise, bringing the ponytail up into a bun.

"Beautiful," he whispered, tucking a stray behind your ear. "You're being quiet. You okay?"

You almost blushed at his compliment. In fact, had it not been for your current predicament – that is, being on your knees on the bathroom floor in front of him while you waited for him to make a move – you would have probably kicked your feet while giggling.

Instead, what came out was, "I'd like to do less talking and more gagging, sir."

He huffed out a pretty little laugh, reaching into his pocket. "Alright, alright," He tossed you his favorite red lighter. "Drop this if you want to stop or slow down. It'll be hard to talk with your mouth full."

Okay. Straight to the point, then. Your core throbbed at the mere mention of what was about to go down.

Reaching behind you to pick up the lighter, you craned your neck up to look at him. He peered down at you lovingly, with something unmistakable written all over his features – he adored you. Even now, with you on your knees like a desperate whore in front of him, he was thinking about you and your needs. The thought was enough to make your heart squeeze almost painfully.

"Wanna taste you," You lucked your lips as he undid the button atop his slacks – then the zipper, slowly, just enough for him to free his aching hard on from his boxers. "Can I, sir?"

You looked up at the only thing you could – slightly intimidated by its stature. It was long and thick and flushed a pretty shade of pink at the tip. The tiniest little bead of precum caught the light at the head of it. Subconsciously, perhaps, you licked your lips again, getting them nice and wet for him.

Aki mirrored your motion, rolling his tongue over his pink lips while he carded a hand through his hair, slicking his bangs back – revealing more inches of that pretty little face that you wished you could kiss all over. "Go ahead, pretty mama," He purred softly, slipping his fingers into your hair, "It's all yours."

It's all yours. You wished you could say that he was yours and yours alone. All of him. Truly, a dick that good shouldn't be allowed to simply roam the streets. Someone might trip and fall on it. 

You pressed a timid kiss to his tip, realizing it had been quite a while since you had last been in such a position with anyman, let alone one so handsome. Then, when you saw him sigh quietly, lips parted gently around the quietest little breath, you licked a stripe from the shaft all the way up to the head, feeling the veins and ridges beneath your taste buds – tasting the saltiness of him as it evaporated on your tongue.

He exhaled sharply at that, bracing a hand on the wall behind you, above you. Hungrily, his eyes fluttered shut – pale cheeks dusted with the prettiest shade of pink, lips glossy.

You wondered, very briefly, if you could fall in love with him.

"Fuck," He sighed, slowly, and it had your heart fluttering at the sound, "It's yours."

It was then that you decided you – if left to your own devices (or vices, in this case) – definitely could fall in love with him.

You sucked him into your mouth, hollowing your cheeks to make room for him. You worked up quite a bit of spit near the back of your throat, pulling off to spit on him before practically swallowing him back up. 

Aki shuddered, lips parted around a gasp of your name.

He gripped your hair a little harder, by the base of your ponytail, making you look at him while your lips were stretched tight around his length. He throbbed in your mouth, like the sight of you like this was enough to get him off.

You felt that way. When his hand slipped behind his head to guide your head gently, bobbing you back and forth on his dick. You were struggling to fit the whole thing in your mouth, tears pricking at the corners of your eyes, but you were determined. His shudders and sighs spurred you onward.

If this was going to be the last night you ever spent with him, you wanted to make it memorable.

"You're taking me so well," He crooned softly, guiding your head back and forth a little faster. "Feels so fucking warm, fuckin– shit–"

You felt that fire in your core reignite, making you press your legs together while you pulled back for a moment to slurp on the tip rather unceremoniously, spit dripping down his dick. 

As you moved to sink your head the rest of the way down, you met some resistance, eyes watering as you felt yourself gag on him. He pulled you back a bit. You ducked away from his hand, pushing him back into your mouth with determination. 

Above you, the muscles in Aki's upper arm tensed. With a blissful sigh, he leaned his head back, squeezing his eyes shut. He was so fucking pretty, it made your heart skip a beat.

"Oh, fuck," He moaned quietly.

He sounded like an angel and a pornstar all rolled into one. You wished you could record it and save it for later – the quiet, wet noises that came out every time he hit the back of your throat, the breathless pants of your name. He was too much to bear.

And you went at it like you were made for it. Up and down, up and down, fitting him all the way in until the head of his cock bumped the back of your throat. Over and over again, until his vision blurred a bit at the edges, mind a little hazy with lust.

You were sucking and slurping on him so lewdly – fuck, you could die like this. 

"Not gonna last– ah–" He hissed, "Long... when– with you– fuck– like that."

You moaned around him – actually moaned, as if his words were enough to get you off, to quell the steady throbbing ache between your legs.

"So pretty for me," He panted. "Don't cry. You can take it, right?"

You made a noise in response, though it was broken up by the nasty, dirty sound you made every time you gagged on his dick. You peered up at him through half-lidded eyes, tears caught in your wispy lashes.

With a shudder and a whine, he pushed your head down a little further. You gagged on it again, swallowing him down, tightening your throat around him like you were made to suck him up. Your hand tensed around his pocket lighter.

"Yeah, I know you can. Just like that, baby, shit..." He exhaled. "Don't stop."

If you died after this, you would be okay. You would die a happy woman.

Denji had to piss real bad. It wasn't like he could wait another five minutes until the meeting ended. He hadn't been home all night, either. 

Plain and simple. He had to piss. 

So, already reaching for the zipper of his fly, he approached the door of the Men's bathroom. He crept further down the hall. He passed a Women's bathroom (which he paused before while he briefly wondered if Makima had ever used it), and then the family bathroom (seriously, who in Public Safety had a family?). 

And, obviously, because no one in this damned company lived long enough to have a family, Denji was extra confused when he heard the sound of quiet, barely-audible voices speaking just beyond the door.

It was barely perceptible, the faintest phrase, "You're doing so well."

The voice was deep and vaguely familiar, though Denji wasn't smart enough to know why. In fact, he was about to continue on past the door with a shrug before he heard another voice – a woman's voice – make the quietest little sound, almost like a whimper.

His eyes widened. Wait a minute. Something's going on here.

Then, shamelessly, he pressed his ear right up against the cold surface of the Family Bathroom door. 

The first voice spoke again – this time unmistakable, "Gotta keep quiet for me. Don't want anyone to hear, do you?"

It was Hayakawa. It had to have been – or maybe he had a twin brother who sounded just like him. 

Now that I think about it, he did leave the meeting early. What would he be doing in there, though?

His eyes went even wider, and a devilish little grin crawled over his lips. Against the door, he whispered to himself, "No fucking way."

When he didn't hear anything else through the door, he decided to mind his own business, walking off to the Men's bathroom to finish his business. He decided he would talk to Hayakawa about it later. Yeah, that was a good idea.

Aki tugged a fistful of your hair back, bobbing your head back and forth at a pace that made your eyes water a bit. 

"Oh, fuck," He hissed, pushing you a little further.

You hummed in reply, balling your fist together, digging your nails into your palm and the cigarette lighter caged within it – anything to slow your gag reflex down. He was so big that your mouth stretched at the corners to accommodate him.

He was close, you could sense it – feel it– feel the way he throbbed against your tastebuds, hear the velvety whimpers that slipped past his lips as he crept closer and closer to his peak.

His skin was warm – salty as it glided over your tongue, caressing the very back of your throat. You wanted all of him, as much of him as he would give you.

Or, at least, as much of him as you could fit.

And those pretty sounds of his, fuck. It was driving you wild with desire. You could do nothing but squirm, press your thighs together to quiet the dull, aching throb between your legs. You needed him in a way that was feral, primal, and altogether degrading to feminism.

"Don't stop–" He gasped out, your name a broken plea, "Please, fuck, 'm so close."

Wouldn't dream of it, you thought.

It was perfect. He was perfect. So perfect, especially when he scrunched his nose up real cutely – as he drew his brows together, dark tufts hanging in his face while his tongue darted out to dampen his lips. His forearms tensed – muscles rippling and defined, practically straining against the place where his shirt was rolled up to his elbows.

"So perfect," He whispered, caressing your jaw with a tenderness that caught you wholly off guard, like he had read your thoughts. His smile dropped for a moment while he choked out a guttural moan, "Ah– hah– Fuck, Cumming, Baby."

You felt like you had been waiting your whole life for this. When the first warm spurt of his release painted your tongue – and then the next, you moaned shamelessly, melting at the taste of him. It was salty and watery and the slightest hint of fruit, and... It was perfect.

Just like the rest of him.

"Hah... hah..." He panted uncontrollably, chest heaving, knees buckling. Hand softening its grip of your hair, he trembled, coming down from his high.

You swallowed it down until there was nothing left for you to take – every drop but the last one, which you held in your mouth, peering up at him through wide, teary, lovestruck eyes while you stuck your tongue out to show him. You were good for him.

He blinked down at you, slightly dumbfounded (and a little dizzy-looking), then slowly, a grin took over his pretty lips. "Fuck me," he huffed out something between a sigh and a chuckle, "You're a Devil."

You tucked your tongue back into your mouth, swallowing the rest of him down. Then, you licked your teeth clean – sticking your tongue out one last time to show him you didn't let a drop go to waste.

It was something spectacular, truly. You hated blowjobs, yet now, you felt as if your life would never be complete again without them – without the image of him crying your name, panting, shuddering as he burst in your mouth like a bubble.

He bent over, slipping his hands beneath your arms to pull you up to standing level – you lost your balance, of course, but that didn't stop him from crashing his lips into yours.

The kiss was a heady mix of him – the salty aftertaste of his cum, the warm mintiness of his mouth. You stumbled, nearly falling into him. He caught you again.

"Easy, baby," He cooed. 

"We should–" You swallowed. Your voice was rough, hoarse as you tugged at your restraints. "We should get back to that meeting before someone realizes we snuck off."

Aki tucked himself back into his boxers with a slight frown. He reached behind your arms, undoing the clasp of his belt and freeing your wrists – finally.

"Five more minutes?" He tried to ask.

You rolled your eyes. Cracking your wrists, you handed him his lighter. "We've already been gone, like, twenty," You wiped your mouth with the back of your hand. 

Wrapping his belt around his waist again, he giggled – like the twenty-year-old boy he was, "Exactly my point. What's five more?"

You pushed him away from you with the faintest hit of a smile. Though, when you caught a glimpse of your disheveled reflection in the bathroom mirror, it vanished. "Oh my god, Aki, my hair."

You looked like you had brushed your hair with a weed-whacker this morning instead of Aki's hairbrush. It sat in a tangled mess atop your head.

He pressed a kiss to the top of your knotted hair. "Sorry," he hummed, voice low and enticing, shooting right down to your core, "I'll make it worth your while when we get back home."

I love the sound of that.

You licked your lips. "How long until the meeting's over, you think?"

He flipped his wrist over, glancing down at his watch before he rolled his sleeves back down again, "Ten minutes, maybe? Probably less."

"That's ten minutes too long," You sighed. Carding your hands through your hair, you tamed some of the knots at the base of your scalp. The rest? Well, you undid the ponytail Aki had tied for you, slicking your hair back and out of your face. 

No one would notice. Surely, no one would notice.

"Relax, pretty mama, I won't leave you hanging," He promised you. Slipping his arms into the sleeves of his suit jacket, he added, "My face or my dick?"

You scoffed, "Excuse me?"

"I'm asking where you wanna cum," He replied. He looked so pretty with his hair down, even now – you almost frowned when he took the ponytail from your hand and pulled his hair back into it, "My face? Or–"

You pinched his lips shut with your fingers. "I heard you, dickhead."

"Dick and head works fine for me," He teased. "We have all night."

You didn't even acknowledge him with a reply, reaching for the door, "I'm leaving, Aki."

"Hate to see you go but I love to watch you leave," He followed you, pressing a chaste kiss to your lips and a quick smack to your ass before opening the door for you. "Stop looking so good in slacks, kohai."

You rolled your eyes again. Still, even as you slid out of the door, your cheeks burned red with the aftershock of his compliment.

Aki, you smooth bastard.

"See you in ten," You smiled.

He smiled right back, "See you in ten."

a/n: no one talk to me omfg. i know im sick. i know. in a public bathroom? how indecent. anyway, lmk if yall enjoyed it though (you dirty mofos). GIVE ME UR THOUGHTSSS AND WISHESSSSS. next chapter coming soon so i wont say too much. ta ta!! x

credits: UNKOWN ATM. I found the cover pic on pinterest unfortch. If you know the artist, please let me know, so I can credit them properly for their work!!! This is NOT MY BEAUTIFUL DRAWINGGG. I obviously do not own csm or anything related to it. please do not reproduce, copy, or translate my works anywhere. dont fk w me im a bruja.

also: come find me on my wattpad if u wanna interact more!

taglist: @mitsuyeahhh , @sleepysnk , @enneadec , @noaabean , @em1e , @drakensdarling , @bertholdts--butt , @satanlovesusall666 , @mitsuwuyaa , @noctifule , @scaraphobia , @ask-the-insect-hashira , @lovingranchturkeyweasel , @bontensbabygirl , @slvdsjjk , @novacrystalli , @hanmastattoos , @kodzuksn , @hqtiny , @ohmaiscool15 , @redlittlequeen , @leivane , @goldeneagles-posts , @yeahblahlame , @no-oneelsebutnsu , @cookiesandcreammy , @cawwn , @the-haitani-baton , @littlelovebug98 , @armani78 , @mindurownbussines , @kokos-property , @violetmatcha , @hp-simp505 , @acethebrave , @mitsuyeahhh , @sleepysnk , @enneadec , @noaabean , @em1e , @drakensdarling , @bertholdts--butt , @satanlovesusall666 , @mitsuwuyaa , @noctifule , @scaraphobia , @ask-the-insect-hashira , @lovingranchturkeyweasel , @bontensbabygirl , @slvdsjjk , @novacrystalli , @hanmastattoos , @kodzuksn , @hqtiny , @ohmaiscool15 , @redlittlequeen , @leivane , @goldeneagles-posts , @yeahblahlame , @no-oneelsebutnsu , @cookiesandcreammy , @cawwn , @the-haitani-baton , @littlelovebug98 , @armani78 , @mindurownbussines , @kokos-property , @violetmatcha , @hp-simp505

wanna join the taglist? | shameless ; chapter index

[boydepartment]

Hello again, it's sheep anon! (This is a super long message, whoops) I think you can tell from my messages that I've been struggling with my perfectionism and tying my self worth to my work. I'm infinitely harder on myself than anyone can possibly be, which has caused me a lot of grief. Despite what I write on here, I don't consider myself to be a sad person, it's just been a rough period in my life. I wrote that message when I was in a bad headspace, clearly, and while I haven't gotten over it entirely, it has gotten better. It's hard to have an objective viewpoint of a situation when you're in it, so thank you for giving me some perspective and advice. =)

You are so right that flaws makes us who we are. If I was a perfect person, then I'm pretty sure I would have never known you or sent that first message. I tend to not express my troubles because I invalidate my own emotions, but like you said, if we aren't taking chances on people, then we aren't really living life. I'm not a risk taker by any means, but I believe more in humanity than my doubts of it. Stays and skz have proven to me that over and over again that people can be kind and understanding in spite of the cruelty of the world. There's so much of life I could miss if I just pretended that I was perfect.

Recently, I watched a video that said that progress isn't a picture perfect journey, which I think is true in many ways. I used to think that once people went through the worst part of their lives, that things would just magically get better and would never fall again, mainly because of how media portrays heroes. The darkest hour for heroes are momentarily and are easily gotten rid of after they pull themselves out of it. Of course, reality is a bit disappointing that way, but I'm sure even if I fall again, I have faith in myself that I will pull myself back together again. You can't get rid of sheep anon that easily world! ᕦ⁠(⁠ò⁠_⁠ó⁠ˇ⁠)⁠ᕤ After all, I've already proven to myself by getting myself this far.

Anyways, to answer your question, I can't pick a bias for the life of me because I switch my choice every 5 seconds, but I tend to lend towards the Aussie line mainly because of their willingness to be open. I get incredibly emotional easily, so I tend to bottle my emotions up, so to see someone be so open made me feel like there was someone out there like me. I also relate to I.N a lot since I'm the youngest out of my siblings and I've felt Han's emotions in his lyrics on so many occasions. I think the best thing about skz is that I can see parts of myself in all of them and their relationship with each other. It's super clear that they have a strong bond. (I'm a little jealous actually.) I'm going to end it here so this doesn't continue for another 5k words. I hope you're feeling better, being sick while dealing with that time of the month is the pits. Virtual hugs for everyone!

＼⁠(⁠^⁠o⁠^⁠)⁠／

-🐑

Hi Sheepie!!! I am really glad my long response was good! I was a little worried there for a sec it was jumbled in my fever state lol! I honestly really love the way you add so much personality to your messages here. It makes me smile seeing the way you word things. I totally understand what you mean with the Aussie line. I really love them, I worry about Chan a lot though. It's always good to push yourself, I just wish he wouldn't do it so often, he could damage himself. But he is a grown adult so he can figure it out. Felix is just so sometimes I cant even describe him and I dont want this to be 80 years long. He is just so him, I love it. I.N is such a sweetheart, I love him and he always makes me laugh. I love his singing so much. I mainly relate to Leeknow, I know on tumblr I act very bubbly and happy but in real life I am really closed off and have my chosen people(which is starting to slim but I wont get into that). I am loud around them and I'd do anything for them. Plus I am a huge animal lover. OH I GET YOU HANS LYRICS KILL ME TOO, i love them!!! I do have to say though out of all of them, Changbin written songs feel like someone just stabbed me with a spork loll. I relate to his the most. IVE ALSO BEEN HAVING A WEIRD SEUNGMIN MOMENT RECENTLY??? He has been making me giggle a bit. Hyunjin has a really special place in my heart too, I love the way he sees the world. And how he views love. AS YOU CAN SEE IT IS HARD TO PICK A BIAS AND STICK TO IT FOR ME TOO

Thank you sheepie! I have been feeling a lot better recently and got back to writing my Felix story again :) I'd also be lying if I said I haven't already started hitting the weights again oops hehe. I HOPE YOU HAVE A FANTASTIC DAY MY DEAR! I HOPE THIS MESSAGE ISNT TOO SPRAWLED OUT! I wanted to reply before I hit the hay! I will be looking forward to your next message! I love hearing what you have to say!

OH PS!

Did you have any shows you were obsessed with growing up? I was a doodlebops kid lol

[spaghett-onaplate]

I'm so sick of booktok books. Tropes sticky-taped together to make a semi-comprehensible and mildly enjoyable at best story. 2D characters that have no real defining personalities beyond banter and witty one-liners, that have no clear motivations or goals, that are inconsistent in their actions and thoughts. A lack of description that has you rereading passages over and over in a lackluster attempt to understand wtf is going on.

I'm reviewing this book for a bookstore magazine, and that fucking thing is the inspiration behind this. I mean, it has "TikTok" on the front cover, so I was a little sceptical at first, but now I'm just pissed off. Apart from what I've already mentioned, there are severe plot holes - the entire plot of the book is centred around a journey to recover a magical item of legends. Both of the main characters are sceptical of its existence, but they decide to try and find it anyway. Personally, I think it could have been executed much better if one of the characters believed in it fully and wholeheartedly, and was dead set on his goal to get it. Then, that would have allowed leeway for some scepticism in other characters while still moving the plot ahead, and added more depth to the otherwise bland characters. It also would have tied in very well with the backstory and just made so much more sense plot-wise.

I don't know, it's just really pissing me off. I probably wouldn't be able to finish this book if it weren't for the fact I'm writing a review, but it pains me to think of the fact I'll have to write a mostly positive review - so I'll do what I'm best at, and compliment the (few) enjoyable aspects while backhandedly complimenting the rest. I'll keep it honest, but if I didn't have a word limit/positive theme I would write a scathing review of 5k words, at bare minimum. There are so many points where I have to flip a few pages back and ask myself if I missed something - not that there's much to miss.

The two main characters are both cardboard cutouts with inconsistent goals and thoughts. One of the central conflicts between them makes next to no sense. The other two side characters are yawn-inducing and essentially useless, and I often forget they're even there. The lore of the world is bleak and two-dimensional. The writing style reminds me of The Hunger Games with its short and direct sentences, but is executed so poorly that I hesitate to compare it to, you know, The Hunger Games. It works in that series with Katniss' thought process and character, but here it just makes me cringe. It gives off the effect of trying to put emphasis on sentences that really don't deserve it. I think some books can pull that writing style off really well, when paired with other sentence structures, but in this book it just comes across as lazy and, well, badly written.

Writing a book is still an impressive feat, and the author could have done much worse. So I'll still write a kind review, but I'll keep it honest and I won't be happy about it.

Anyway, just needed to get that out of my system so that I can write a mostly positive review. But I'm just sick of what is essentially the Marvel-ification of a lot of recent YA books. I've seen other posts discussing this so I'm glad I'm not alone. And either way, bad books have always existed - it's not a recent phenomenon. Good books exist, bad books exist, and unfortunately it's a lot easier to find the latter.

[yyxgin]

🌃 𝐒𝐖𝐄𝐄𝐓 𝐍𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 || 𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐣𝐢𝐬𝐮𝐧𝐠

☆ han jisung x fem! reader ☆

☆ GENRE: college au, best friends to lovers au, fluff

☆ SUMMARY: There’s only one thing that can help your stressed out mind when you have a week left to finish the most important assignment for your art class of them all, and that is the honey voice of your best friend. What a shame he’s too shy to sing sometimes.

☆ WORDS: 5k 

☆ WARNINGS: swearing and that is it me thinks

You hear the silent melody coming from your best friend sitting on the other side of the couch, quiet hums gradually flowing into coherent words as he mindlessly scrolls through social media on his phone, his low singing filling your empty living room as you take your eyes off your phone and watch him. 

He looks casual, just like always. The army-green hoodie looks about two times his size enveloping his body, the hood thrown over his head to hide his messy hair, sweatpants hiding a little bit of his foot as well as if to make him look extra tiny today. The song coming out of his mouth sounds similar, yet it still sounds new to you when you catch him randomly singing during the day on times when he forgets he doesn't want anyone to hear.

"It cannot wait, I'm yours-" his head snaps up to meet your eyes, immediately shutting up and looking back to his phone screen. 

"No, why'd you stop?" you whine, pouting. His voice is good. Too good, for never getting singing lessons and basically not even trying while he sings. 

"'Cause it sounds bad," he mutters, furrowing his brows.

"It doesn't." you firmly say, desperate to make your best friend believe your words in order to hear him sing more often. For some reason, his singing always managed to bring a sense of comfort into your heart. It felt like the sunlight shining at you in the cold days of winter, sweet and soothing for your freezing heart.

"Yeah, right," his cheeks flash pink, rolling his eyes. 

"You hear me singing all the time and I sound like a dying racoon, I really don't understand why you're so shy about it when you sound like angels coming down to earth to bless us all," you giggle, poking his sides.

He laughs softly at your compliment, shaking his head. This was how it usually went. 

He started singing out of the blue, you stopped everything you were doing just to listen to him, then he realised you became too quiet and stopped in the very second. 

"I wish you sang more. I like your voice," you point out, watching him flash an even deeper shade of pink as he shyly giggles at your confession.

"Sorry to break it to you, but I won't," he shakes his head in disapproval. It annoyed you, how he just never seemed to believe your words.

"But why? You never believe me when I tell you you sound good," you pout, furrowing your eyebrows and throwing your fists in the air in a sense of frustration.

"And that, my dear, is called not believing in yourself." he giggles, making you roll your eyes. 

"I don't get it," you sigh, standing up and moving to the kitchen, "anyways, I am on my way to paint the rest of the assignment I have for my art class, so if you don't want to sing me something, at least put some music on," you yell white putting your empty mug into the sink.

As you walk back to the living room with your art supplies you managed to snatch from the desk where you put them before, you hear the familiar sound of your bluetooth speaker turning on, making you sigh. And that's for your daily dose of Han Jisung's singing. You sit cross-legged at the ground, taking your paint brushes into your hand, hearing the song he decided to put on playing from the speaker. You recognise it being the one he was humming to himself just a few minutes ago, smiling.

"What is the theme anyway?" he asks, genuinely curious.

"Nature," you roll your eyes, not really interested in painting trees the tiniest bit, but having to do it anyway, because you can’t just paint whatever you want and get away with it in your art class.

"So like, trees and stuff?" he teases you, knowing damn well how much you don't like the particular assignment in the first place.

"Trees, mountains, butterflies…" you ironically smile, blobbing a whole lot of green paint onto your palette, grunting, "and I wanted to be chosen for the showcase this year, but I guess we'll have to wait until the theme is not about rocks and rivers." you scoff.

"Oh please, you'll do great anyway," encourages you Jisung, "you can paint well even if it's just trees and mountains." 

"I'm not Bob Ross, Jisung." you mutter, hating the way the green paint looks on the canvas in the first place.

"Yes you are," he giggles, "you paint just like him." 

"Tells me the one who sounds like Mariah Carey but tries to act like he can't sing," you tease back, enjoying the way his eyebrows furrow at your comment.

"I can't do whistle notes yet," he smirks.

The car rides with Jisung were probably your most favorite. It wasn't for the fact that he doesn't drive too fast like most of your friends do, since as he said, he doesn't trust himself to slow down if he strats, but truth be told, that was also one of the reasons. But the main reason is, that you always get to hear him singing along to the radio, even if it's kind of difficult to hear over the loud music and the original singer. That doesn’t matter, though, because even the tiniest sign of him singing around you made you happy. 

He doesn't seem to care as he yells the words to Riptide by Vance Joy on the top of his lungs, sounding like the song belongs to him, parking the car in the almost empty parking lot at Michael's craft store.

"No problem. What even happened, anyway?" he furrows his brows at you, confused on why you suddenly hit him up out of the blue in the evening as you swore on your life you couldn't hang out because you have to finish that disgusting assignment for your art class.

"Thanks." you smile at him as you ubuckle your seat-belt and open the door to his car. 

"I fucked up on the painting and now I need to buy some new canvases," you grunt, rolling your eyes, "and green paint. A whole lot of green paint." 

He snickers a little as he walks by your side, quickly turning around to lock his car and bringing his attention back to you, "I am sure it wasn't even that bad in the first place and you're just over-reacting." 

"Yes it was, Jisung, you didn't see the disaster that painting became. I wanted to paint a bear and it looked like a degenerated pine tree." you blurb out, frustrated, as you take the shopping cart to your hands only for it to be snatched by the hands of your best friend helping you.

"Well, you could always say you wanted to be a little abstract," he grins at you.

"Yeah, sure. Miss Kim would absolutely kill me and I wouldn't get to the showcase this year again. Why am I majoring in art in the first place when I can't even get to the school's art showcase? That prick Minho got in three times already and he said he doesn't even like art in the first place!" you say, gritting your teeth.

"Why is he majoring in art, then?" asks Jisung, confused.

"Because he wanted a degree and he said it was the easiest major to pick," you roll your eyes. 

"Well, I mean that is kind of smart, I should have picked that instead of business-" 

"Jisung, you can't draw." you laugh.

"And? We were all born to express, not to impress," he waves his arms in the air, grinning. You laugh at his expression, facepalming as you reach for three containers of green paint from the counter and throwing it into the cart.

"If this is not enough of green paint, I swear to god I will kick something-" 

"Hey! Peace. Think of the pigeons. Rainbows. Sunshine," he recitates, motioning you to breathe deeply to calm down your nerves, giggling in the process.

"Fuck the pigeons! I tried to paint one yesterday and it turned into a fucking rock in the air!" you throw a fit, making him shush you as a few people turn around to see your distressed state.

"Calm down, woman," he says, putting an arm on your back, gently pushing you to the cashier, "it's just a painting. You'll do great, don't worry. You're just stressing too much." 

You grunt as you see another ruined canvas, throwing the brush onto the ground, muttering a quiet swear as you notice the paint on the floor, quickly taking a tissue and wiping it off.

"What's gotten into you? It's okay," sweetly says Jisung, once again sitting at your sofa and watching over you as you try to paint your assignment again. 

"It looks bad! Just look at it! I have a week left and I already ruined three canvases, at this rate, I won't be able to even finish it, I can only dream of getting to the showcase," you mourn, throwing yourself to the ground and hiding your face in your hands.

"You just have to take it easy, you're pressuring yourself too much-" 

"I've heard that already." you cut him off, growling. 

You lay there for a while, breathing heavily, collecting your thoughts. Once you manage to calm down, you sit up and look at your best friend watching over you on the sofa, sighing. "I'm sorry. I'm just stressed out. I didn't mean to snap at you." 

"It's okay." he nods, seeing you taking the brush into your hand again and trying to fix the blob of paint that was supposed to look like a squirrel, much reminding you of your dear best friend sitting next to you. 

You feel a gentle grip on your hand after a few seconds, taking the brush out of it and putting it to the table. You furrow your brows and look at him, confused on why he is suddenly stopping you from your work, the contact of his skin on yours surprising you a little.

"We're done with painting today." he sternly says, stopping you.

"Ji, I have a week left to-" 

"That's a lot of time! Stand up, we're having a karaoke night." he grins at you, pulling you up to your feet, as he takes his phone laying on the sofa into his hands and connects it to the bluetooth speaker.

"I have no time to have a karaoke night Jisung, what even is that-" 

"Pick a song. Any song. We're about to sing our hearts out tonight and my mission won't be considered successful until your neighbours come to complain," he grins, giving the phone into your hand with his spotify app open already. 

You look at him dead serious for a moment before sighing and looking through his embarrassingly long spotify playlist called ‘bops only’. "Fine," you sigh, "but just this once. And if they call the police on us, you're paying the fine for disturbing the silent hours." 

"I didn't say anything about that-" 

"Blah blah blah, I can't hear you!" you giggle, putting on I will survive by Gloria Gaynor on full volume to cut him off, throwing the phone back onto the sofa as you prepare for your singing solo.

You sneak your arms around his neck, dancing and laughing in the process as you loudly scream the lyrics into his face. He smiles at the sight, content with the fact that he managed to cheer you up so quickly, putting his arms on your hips as he jumps up and down, joining you in singing once the song hits the chorus. 

And just this once, as his arms steadily hold your body and you throw a tantrum in your living room, he doesn't even care that you hear him sing as he knows you like to hear his voice. Maybe, just maybe, that was the reason why he suggested a karaoke night to cheer you up in the first place anyway.

"What do you mean you're not gonna be here on my birthday?" you pout from the ground, focused on the canvas right in front of you. 

"Look, I'm sorry, okay? But my mum really needs me to come help her with the atic, and you know how she gets when I refuse to come home at least once a month even though I constantly tell her I don't have the time to travel for 45 minutes just so she can see my face once in a while…" sighs Jisung, laying on your sofa so his head is now facing the same way yours does, and that is, your half-empty canvas.

"I know, I know. But does it really have to be on my birthday? You're going to be away for three days, and the showcase is on Friday…" you mumble, "if I get there, of course." you sigh.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles, sounding genuinely concerned. It was currently Monday and your birthday was on Thursday, which meant you had four days to finish your art piece to submit it on the exact day of your birthday to see if your teacher accepts it for the showcase of the following day. And you're not even halfway done with your work! To be exact, you feel like you're gonna fail and to not have your best friend by your side to help you through your stress, you truly feel like you'll go insane.

"I know," you sigh, "it's okay. I guess I'll just… manage, somehow." you scoff.

"You can always celebrate with that friend from your art class, and we'll celebrate together on Saturday, when I come back. What was that kid's name again?" he furrows his brows at you, turning your way to see your focused face.

"You mean Hyunjin? No, thank you. He'd just want me to get drunk and I really don't need that the day before the showcase," you mumble, painting the leaves of the tree carefully, focusing on every single detail. Jisung always adored your talent. Everything you ever drew was a masterpiece in his eyes. He even kept the notes you gave to him in high school once when he was sick and you managed to take notes for him as well when you shared a Chemistry class, sneaking a few doodles on the sides when you got bored of listening to the teacher, "but that will come handy when I don't get in again, so I'll consider it." you roll your eyes.

"You will get in." he reassures you again, finding your eyes.

"I doubt that," you bitterly laugh. 

"Ugh, stop that already," he grunts, focusing on the canvas again, feeling relaxed just at watching you do your magic, but you throw the paintbrush on the table again at that exact moment and run your hands through your hair in frustration.

"What?" 

"It looks like shit. Again." you exclaim. 

His eyes go wide at the sentence, disbelief washing over him. Did you really think that?

"What the fuck? It doesn't! It looks amazing, trust me," he says, reaching his arms to you, taking you by the shoulder from his position on the sofa.

"I am so stressed Jisung, I feel like I'm about to go insane." you whisper, sighing.

You don't have to say more for Jisung to stand up from his position on the sofa only to sit on the ground behind you, sneaking his arms around your middle and bringing you close to him, gently rocking you in your position on the floor. You feel his nose nuzzling into the crook of your neck, breathing in your scent as he quickly pecks your cheek and settles his head back onto your shoulder.

You hear him softly singing into your ear, the words filling your insides with gold as his voice feels like honey, calming you down from the storm happening inside of you like a brim of light. 

"And I see colors in a different way, you make what doesn't matter fade to grey, life is good and that's the way it should be," he sings softly, a wide smile appearing on your features with every next word.

His voice calms your nerves as you slowly relax in his hold, your bodies gently rocking to the rhythm of the song as it slowly ends and his voice grows quieter. 

He hated singing in front of people. 

But to see you smile, he would go as far as overcoming his biggest fears. Because when you need him, he will always be there.

"Jisung, I have no time for this, I already told you I need to finish the assignment-" you mumble as you sit in his car, his smiling face looking at you from the driver's seat.

"I'm leaving tomorrow morning and I can't have you painting for more than an hour today because I feel like you'll break down if you do, so let's go. And you're already in the car, so there's no escape anyway." he explains, waiting for you to buckle in your seatbelt.

You just sigh and look out the window, biting down on your lip. If he keeps distracting you this much, you'll never finish the assignment.

You hear him softly singing along with the radio, careful not to disturb him in fear of making him stop, smiling to yourself as you let him drive you to an unfamiliar place in the middle of the night. You count the lampposts, the habit you grew to have since you were little, before they disappear and you're on a road shadowed by tall trees, the headlights of Jisung's car being the only thing illuminating the road. 

You recognise you're going up a hill, looking over at him, seeing him focused on the road.

As you reach the top, Jisung stops the car and gets out, you follow him as he waits for you by the door to the passenger’s side. 

As soon as you look around, you're amazed by the sight in front of you. You have a view of the city far, far away in the distance as you see the dell illuminated by the subtle glow of the moon sitting up in the starry sky. You watch the sight with an open mouth, awe washing over you as you just can't keep your eyes off the landscape in front of you.

"Wow," you breathe out.

You feel his hand gripping yours as he leads you to the edge of the hill, sitting at the giant rock there, pulling you down next to him as you watch the nature breathe in front of you. His hand doesn't leave yours as he speaks up after a while.

"You like it?" he asks, quiet enough to not disturb the atmosphere.

"Yeah," you whisper. You see him moving closer to you from the corner of your eye, his head leaning on your shoulder as he enjoys your presence.

"I wanted to show you this before I go, so you have a moment to breathe for a second before you throw yourself into the stress again," he mumbles, gently playing with the fingers of your hand.

"Thank you," you speak, breathing in the chilly air of the forest.

You stay like that for a while, just gazing over the beauty of it all, making you feel like the time stopped for the two of you only as you enjoy the seconds that pass. The full moon watches over the two of you, captivating you as you look at it with a feeling of delight. You hear his gentle voice in your ear again, singing softly and beautifully, sounding magical at the top of the hill, once again filling your ears with melody as your insides tingle. 

"Fly me to the moon, let me play among the stars, and let me see what spring is like on a-Jupiter and Mars," he sings, voice tender and sweet, slowing down the tempo of the song on purpose.

"In other words, baby, kiss me," he sings softly, voice fading as his eyes move to your lips, the silence of the hill and the light breeze tickling your skin.

You feel your eyes wandering to his lips, nervously licking yours in the process. You see him hesitantly move closer to you, stopping halfway to see if you pull away, taking his other hand and resting it on your cheek. His breath fans your face as he moves even closer, nudging your nose with his, eyes gazing to yours, your trembling fingers squeezing his hand as if to tell him to go ahead, fluttering your eyelids close.

Once the moment finally comes and his shy lips press to yours, you feel yourself responding immediately, moving with him as the familiar feeling of the sun in your stomach greets you with full force, your other hand going up to rest on his neck. 

When he pulls away and rests his forehead against yours, you can't help but smile. His soft giggle fills your ears like music, your lips meeting his in a soft, quick peck in the instance.

"In other words, hold my hand," he continues, softly squeezing your hand resting in his lap, making you look at him, locking your eyes with his as he stares at you, gaze full of stars.

Han Jisung's always been your best friend. But perhaps tonight, you finally understood the fact that life feels sweet as honey anytime he's around you. 

In other words, you love him.

You toss and turn in your bed, tears silently falling down your cheeks on a Wednesday night. Jisung's left this morning and you didn't even finish doing your assignment. You had the whole day for it today without anyone bothering you, but turns out, you managed to hate the painting you did anyway. 

It just didn't look good in your eyes. It looked gross. Horrible. When you compare yourself to the other people in your class, you feel like your art is worthless. It always somehow managed to look bad. And everybody knew. 

You were the only one who wasn’t good enough to get into the annual art showcase in your three years of college. 

Did you even improve at all? 

You turn around in your bed, seeing your phone light up with a new notification, opening it and wiping your tears away in the process so you can see though your blurry eyes. 

'How did the assignment go?' there states, Jisung's name appearing on the message app, your insides automatically calming down a little at the thought of your best friend.

'Don't even ask', you shoot him a reply, sighing deeply to stop the salty tears from falling. 

'It's okay, baby' he replies instantly, your heart racing at the nickname appearing on your screen, bitterly laughing at yourself for acting like a schoolgirl when it comes to Jisung. When did your feelings even grow into something more in the first place? It seemed like it was that way from the start. Perhaps you were just too oblivious to notice.

'It's not. Didn't even finish it. Kicked it when I fucked up again and just gave up.' you type, already friends with the feeling of defeat and failure you've been feeling since the evening.

He doesn't respond for a while, making you think he fell asleep with the phone in his hand again, turning around in your bed to put the phone back onto your bedside table to try to fall asleep on your own as well, when a new message lights up your screen.

You see a voice memo appearing in your messages with Jisung, your heart thumping at the image of hearing his voice this late in the evening, quickly pressing the play button and listening to what he had to say.

"Hi, umm- I've never actually done this before, but I know you're probably feeling like shit right now and I need you to know that you are not a failure, because I know you feel like one right now," you giggle a little at the accuracy, his low voice making you feel things you didn’t even know you could feel before, "anyways, I need you to be kind to yourself tonight. And since I know you like it when I sing, here's a little something…" he mumbles into the phone, making your heart race.

"Here goes nothing," he softly laughs, and clears his throat, beginning to sing, "Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can't help falling in love with you," his voice feels soft through the speaker, your eyes welling up with tears again, but this time, they're of appreciation and pure love for the boy laying in his bed 45 minutes away from you, because you know just how nervous he must have felt to sing into his phone just for you.

"Shall I stay? Would it be a sin, if I can't help falling in love with you?" he finishes, his voice fading away, your insides melting. How did you get so lucky? 

"And now go to sleep. It's your birthday tomorrow, we don’t want you to feel sad on your special day. Good night, baby." he sounds, the nickname bringing another set of butterflies into your stomach. 

You wish you could do as he told you. But at that exact moment, you bring yourself to try again, you make yourself stand up from your bed and move to your living room as you take a new canvas with you, inspiration kicking you with full force, taking tubes of paint and a paintbrush into your hand as you begin to work on your assignment, trying again just one last time.

You stand in front of your painting, watching over it with proud eyes. The chatter of people around you is only a background noise in your ears as you smile brightly at the assignment you finished just the time the clock striked midnight on Wednesday. 

"Yaaah y/n, it looks so good," you hear the voice of Lee Minho call next to you, patting your shoulder.

You grin and turn to look at him, gratitude washing over you upon hearing the compliment. "Thanks." 

"I wondered when you're finally going to be on a showcase, I don't understand why neither of your previous assignments made it," he mutters, shaking his head, "but this looks great. It's original." he nods.

"Thank you, Minho," you only smile wider, the pride in you growing minute by minute, "yours looks great too, by the way. I like the colors." 

"Really? I hate it. I never hated a theme more than this," he huffs, "who the fuck thinks nature is entertaining to paint?" 

"I know, right? I had four mental breakdowns over it," you laugh, now that the suffering is finally over and you can breathe freely.

"Did you use reference for this?" he asks suddenly, pointing to the painting hanging on the middle of the wall.

"No, I did it from memory…" you mumble, sighing.

You watch Minho's eyes shifting somewhere behind you, grinning widely at something that caught his eye, prompting you to look that way only to be left in a state of absolute shock. 

The talking of the people filling the showcase gradually stops as they see Han Jisung holding a plate of a strawberry cheesecake with a single candle stuck to the middle of it, moving slowly not to make the light flicker die down, the grinning face of Hwang Hyunjin following his steps with a bottle on champagne in his hands doing grimaces at you from afar as a honey voice calls through the room.

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear y/n," he looks at you, eyes big and full of love, as he finally reaches your figure in the middle of the room,

"Happy birthday to you!" he finishes, your soft giggles cutting through the hall as you move to blow out the candle and gaze onto the face of your best friend.

"What are you doing here? I thought you were coming in the evening!" you yell, throwing yourself into his arms. It was only three days, but you already missed him too much.

"I escaped," he laughs, his whole body shaking in the process as you pull away after a second, "I'm joking. I couldn't stay with my mother knowing I'm gonna miss your first ever showcase." 

You smile warmly at him, the people around you disappearing in the moment, only his figure standing out to you in the haze as he hesitantly moves over and locks your lips in a quick kiss. 

You ignore the howling of Lee Minho coming from your left and the loud 'Finally!!' from the lips of Hwang Hyunjin to your right as Jisung turns to your painting, smiling widely at the sight.

"It looks so real," he mumbles in awe, noticing the way his insides turn into a puddle of sweet joy as he recognises the night view of the dell he showed you on the night of your first kiss, instantly realising the way you must have painted it after he sent you the voice memo to sing you to sleep on the Wednesday night. 

"You inspired me," you grin brightly. 

"Don't say that." he shyly looks down on his feet.

"But it's true." you prompt.

He smiles lightly, shaking his head before locking your eyes again. 

"I just realised I left your gift at home. Look at me, wishing you happy birthday a day later and not even bringing you a gift to make up for it…" he mutters, stepping closer to you and putting an arm around your shoulder in the process.

"That's okay," you say, and you really mean it. You are the happiest you've ever been right now, feeling accomplished and with him by your side. You don’t need any other gift.

"Well, I have one thing in my mind that can count as a gift, though," he smirks.

"And that is?" 

"I can finally be your boyfriend. I mean, isn't that the best gift you’ve ever gotten?" he grins, prompting you to elbow him lightly in the ribs as you burst into a fit of laughter.

"You're such a dork, I swear to god…"

"But I am your dork, right?" 

You sigh, playfully rolling your eyes. "Yes, Jisung. You are my dork. Only mine."

[the-tinder-trap]

The Tinder Trap - VIII

Part 8 - Klik hier voor Nederlands With open eyes and full of faith in Chloe, I stepped into the next layer of the trap. How ironic now, and innocently then, I joked about the amount to be deposited.

I said I would transfer 5k. And then joked if I would deposit 500k otherwise. She laughed about it. And no doubt I would have made her doubt whether I was such a big fish.

Without realizing it, I even made it worse. I joked if I would make it 50M. She couldn't stop laughing. Now in retrospect I completely understand why.

I bought five thousand USDT. Transferred it from the crypto wallet to the lunoep.vip trading site. In the meantime, I probably gave her access to my crypto wallet quite unintentionally. No idea. I didn't notice anything.

She suddenly asked me a very direct, but strange question. "Have you ever wondered how much money you want to make in a week or a month?" I asked her 'what do you mean?' and explained that it was easy math. She had already shown me that she made more than 2 thousand dollars in 150 seconds. She just laughed.

Then she said 'I mean by trading, how much money do you want to make in a month?' I said I had no idea. And asked if she already had a goal. Yes she said. She wants to earn more than a hundred thousand dollars a month. It's simple math. So I explained that a month had an average of for weeks with five working days per week

In other words, twenty trading days in a month. Dividing a hundred thousand dollars by 20 days equals five thousand a day. In other words, she had to earn five thousand dollars per trade. To which she said that you would have to have an amount of 30 to 50 thousand dollars to achieve that.

Then I explained one more time that money was never my motivation. I believe it was more important to be able to do what you love to do. And if you earn enough money with that, you can live a wonderful life. I guess she was hoping for a different answer. The Trap was still closing, of course.

I was even talking about my macaron shop. That I had built something big with my own money. And how that was unfortunately destroyed again, by the Municipality of Amsterdam, among other things. That I had lost all my money. She loved what I had built. And she hated people who are too selfish and ignore the interests of others. Smart comment again. Good for confidence. Now afterwards you'd wonder, was she talking about herself.

We started trading again. She even asked if I had any more money. I said I still had some savings in the meantime. I was happy and grateful that she helped me earn some money again.

She responded that I was very smart and fast. That I was probably going to surpass her trading. Oh and that I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone about it. I understood it was her uncle, who gave her the trading tips. Maybe that wasn't completely legal. No idea. In any case, it had a great effect.

I thanked her. To which she thanked her uncle. After all, that was her teacher. I wouldn't pass it on anyway. She responded 'I trust you because you are honest'. I said 'You the smart one, me the creative one'. 'Perfect combination' was her conclusion. She apologised for going offline for a while. I thought she was still at work. An hour later she was online: 'I'm home now'.

Then she remembered I could receive a First Deposit Reward. I had to request this myself from costumer service. Easy said, easy done. Customer service immediately sent me an automated message with a schedule of which bonus reward you got when you deposited a certain amount.

“Dear customer, upon inquiry, deposit10000 (USD), get a bonus of 488 (USD) + 1% of the amount of free injection (USD), a total of 588 USD, (this month is limited to 188 quotas) Currently remaining: 2quotas deposit 30,000 (USD), get a bonus of 888 (USD) + 1% of the free bet amount (USD), a total of 1188USD, (only 188 quotas this month) Currently remaining: 3 quotas deposit 50,000 (USD), get a bonus of 1288 (USD) + 1% of the free bet amount (USD), a total of 1788USD, (only 188 quotas this month) Currently remaining: 5 quotas deposit 80000 (USD), get a bonus of 1888 (USD) + 1% of the free bet amount (USD), a total of 2688USD, (only 188 quotas this month) Currently remaining: 5 quotas”

You had to make a reservation for this with customer service. I thought that was very strange at the time. Why make a reservation to deposit an amount so that you get a bonus. When I asked Chloe for an explanation, she patiently continued to explain how it works. And even though I kept finding it strange, if Chloe is convinced how it works and has used it herself, then it must be good.

Then you would expect her to go wild on the extra deposits, right? But she said the exact opposite. Chloe said 'Rewards are extra. Profit is what we have to go for." Don't pay too much attention to the rewards, because the trading profit is the most important. And yet she went on about those rewards. Now in retrospect this all makes sense. After all, it does. But in the moment itself, so much happened that I didn't see the whole picture.

Meanwhile, as I write this, I have filed a report with the police, the Fraud Helpdesk, Rabobank and crypto.com. Countless emails go back and forth with the costumer service. But because I no longer trust anything and anyone, I have already contacted crypto twice via another channel to verify whether it is the real customer service. And not the scammers.

The annoying thing is that nobody really helps you concretely. Not the police, they don't do anything unless you mistake your taxform for 100 euros. The Fraud Helpdesk, nice name, but they don't do much. I chatted to Rabobank a few times, through my bank app. But then you get chat bot. A computer that doesn't help you either. This computer promises that you can close the chat and that an employee will send you the response. Not so.

I then called Rabobank. I spoke to a very friendly, obviously a very young guy. I'm guessing he was clicking through a helpdesk program. He understood very little of my story. Fortunately, he was patient enough and really did his best.

His conclusion was that I should first wait for the results of the investigation of crypto.com and then get back to them. In advertising, they make it sound so nice and simple. Credit card purchases are insured against theft, damage and loss. But in reality, it's not that simple.

I admit, this is quite frustrating. I can understand how Alice, but also Remy must have felt. To be continued...