#anyway the more i write this fic the angstier it's getting whoops

[yikesharringrove]

Show Pony

Chapter 4: Summertime

Read on ao3

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“See and this is my girl Patsy. She’s the smallest of the three, but she’s strong as all get out.” 

Steve gestured to the horse, brushing his hand down her long nose. She was a beautiful dark brown, her coat sleek and obviously well-kept. Steve said he washed and brushed his horses each night, keeping them free of flies and dirt. 

Steve’s three horses were together in the little paddock, grazing on the sparse grass. There was a large oil drum filled with water in the paddock for them, and a trough filled with hay and horse feed. 

Steve had brought a bag with them out to the paddock, and he whistled through his teeth, all three horses gathering around him at the fence. June used her nose to bump Steve on the side of the head. 

He smiled at her, one a’ those real sunshiney ones he had, and kissed her between the eyes.

He dug through the bag, pulling out a few apples, a pocket knife, and a Tupperware container filled with various pills. 

Billy simply watched as he cut one of the apples in half, digging out small pockets in the meat of the apple and meticulously inserting the pills. He repeated the exact same procedure with the other half of the apple and offered the first half to June. 

She crunched it happily, the second half of the apple going to Loretta, a beautiful dappled horse with a dark-colored nose. 

Each horse got three apple halves with the correct combination of pills. 

“They each get supplements twice a day. We get the hay locally every place we stop, and depending on where the hay is grown, it can lack nutrition they need. Plus, traveling horses can get digestive problems from working hard and not having a lot of grazing opportunities. I wanna keep my girls healthy, you know?”

Loretta had wandered away after Steve set the bag on the ground, huffing as she realized apple time was over. June stayed with Steve, softly knocking her nose into his head and shoulder, making Steve laugh brightly and pet her neck. 

Patsy stayed in front of Billy, and he felt like she could see into his fucking soul. Her brown eyes were huge as she appraised him, almost as if she was trying to suss out if he was good enough for her Steve. 

“You can pet her, if you like. All my girls have been raised with us since they were foals, so they’re real touchy. Loretta pretends she’s too cool for it.” Loretta, as if hearing Steve say her name, gave another huff from the other side of the paddock. “Yeah! I’m talkin’ ‘bout you, Letty. We all know you’re a softy!” Steve grinned at Billy after calling out towards her, like they were sharing a joke. 

Billy couldn’t stop the corners of his mouth from pulling up. 

He smiled a lot around Steve. 

He looked back towards Patsy and mimicked the way Steve pet June, keeping his hands gentle and soft as he brushed down the length of her nose. 

Her hair was so soft, and she felt like warm velvet underneath his hand. 

“I’ve never been this close to a horse before,” Billy said softly, not taking his eyes off Patsy and the way his hands brushed down her strong neck. 

“I love horses. Always have.” Steve had wrapped his arms around June’s thick neck, his cheek smushed to her as he looked at Billy. It was cute. Everything Steve did was cute. “Not to sound like a horse girl in a Lifetime movie, but they’re just so great. Sometimes it seems like they know everything.”

“Yeah, they’re real human.” Billy thinks it was all in the eyes. The huge, deep brown eyes. 

Billy had really come to appreciate brown eyes in the last two weeks. 

“June was born when I was nearly six. I’ve been riding her since I was seven or so. There weren’t a lot of kids around so she was kinda my best friend. Which. Sounds totally lame.” Steve’s cheeks went pink, and he hugged June tighter. 

“How long have you had the others?”

“I’ve had Patsy for seven years. Loretta’s the newest. I just started training her for the event last summer, although I’ve had her for a while. Horses are considered fully grown when they’re five, so we don’t make them do events before then. It can be bad for their backs if you start riding them too young.” Steve absentmindedly stroked down June’s neck. “I try to keep my girls healthy and safe. If you really take care of them, they can live to be about forty, although they shouldn’t do rodeo events past fifteen-ish.”

Billy did quick math in his head. 

“So, what do you think you’ll do with June when she retires?” 

Steve looked out past June over to Loretta when she was trotting about the paddock. 

“I always kinda had this dream. Like when I get tired of all this, of opening a ranch for old rodeo horses. Ones that are too old or sick to do events. I would take care of them and give them good food and exercise and stuff so they could have a happy retirement. Some rodeo horses are sold to people for, like, personal riding use, but they’re event trained, and usually aren’t great for, like, leisure riding, and people get mad. So, yeah. Retirement village for horses.” He buried his face into June’s neck, and Billy could see the tips of his ears were flaming in embarrassment. 

“I think that’s sweet.” He really did. “Hell, you said a well taken care of horse can live for twenty years past retirement, might as well treat ‘em right.” 

Steve pulled his face out of June’s neck and beamed at Billy. 

Billy’s hand trembled slightly and stuttered over Patsy’s neck. 

“I take each girl out for some exercise every day, you wanna help me? We can just walk ‘em.” He looked so hopeful, like all he really wanted was for Billy to hang out with his horses for the rest of the day. 

And lucky for him, Billy had already called out of work for the evening, and didn’t tell his dad about it. 

“Let’s do it.”

 Billy stood back as Steve got June ready, smoothly slipping a halter over her face, attaching a soft rope lead to the ring on the left side of her nose. 

He opened the paddock, raising one hand towards Patsy to keep her where she stood while he gently led June out, wrapping the rope lead once around his hand and holding it tightly. 

Billy walked next to Steve, June on Steve’s other side as they began making their way to the edge of the fairgrounds, passing the large spread of campers and R.V.s. 

The fairground was out in the boonies, outside of the San Diego city limits, and there was a significant amount of sprawling flatlands and hills, covered in emerald grass. 

June trotted happily along, tossing her head and bumping into Steve’s shoulder, making him giggle and throw Billy gleeful looks at her behavior. 

“Tell me something,” Steve said as they began moving downhill, guiding June on a long walk around the area.

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Something about you. Something I don’t know.” 

Billy cast around in his brain. 

There’s a lot Steve didn’t know about him. 

And for good reason, too. 

He didn’t want Steve to know about that shit. 

About the way his father hates him for no other reason than who he is. 

The way his mother only calls him twice a year and posts on Facebook every other day about her new husband and their twin toddlers and their perfect life in Oregon. 

“When I was, like, eight or nine, I watched Almost Famous, and I just fucking loved everything about it. It made me wanna be in a band so bad. I mean, they’re like a family, all going on tour. It’s so idyllic to me. That’s, like, my retirement horse dream. Make it in a band. We don’t gotta be that famous, or anything, just, like, make it .”

Steve gave him one of those soft smiles of his, and slipped his hand so naturally into Billy’s.

“I’ve never seen that movie.”

Billy gasped dramatically, swinging their hands between them.

“Oh, Stevie, we gotta see it. I don’t even care, I’m gonna make you fuckin’ love it. You’re just like Penny Lane, actually. Kind of a wanderer. Free spirit.”

Steve’s eyes were bright, and they looked gold in the late afternoon sun. 

“Is that your favorite movie? Almost Famous ?”

“Yeah. Probably.” It definitely was, but he could let himself geek out over it later. He’s resolved to make Steve watch it with him, and he could be a little lame nerd kid over it then. “What’s your favorite movie? And if you say Black Beauty, I’m running away from you.”

Steve looked at him sheepishly.

“It’s not Black Beauty, but, I mean, it’s Spirit.”

“That animated one?” Billy thinks he’s seen it once or twice when he was a kid. He remembers his dad calling it propaganda. 

“Yeah. I mean, I just thought it was really beautifully done. It’s kinda hypocritical, since it’s about, like, freedom and stuff, and a rodeo is totally the opposite of that, but. I don’t know. I just like it.”

“We’ll watch that one, too, then. Favorite movie double feature.”

“I would like that,” Steve said softly, taking his gaze from Billy back over to June. Steve never made much eye contact, and constantly dragged his sight somewhere else when he was embarrassed. 

“Maybe I could come to your place. Hang out with you.”

Billy’s whole body went cold. 

It was like the temperature had dropped forty degrees, freezing and shattering the perfect warm bubble around them. Like the soft winds stopped making the grass and sparse trees whisper in its wake. Like Billy was trapped in a freezing block of his own panic. 

“No.” 

Steve stopped in his tracks, and Billy clutched his hand to stop him from slipping it out of his grip. 

“Sorry, I, that was really rude.” He stared at June’s front left hoof. “My dad. He doesn’t like. He hates that I. He’s a homophobe. If I-if he even thought that you, that we were, he would-”

“Hey, Bill, it’s okay. I’m, I understand.” Steve pulled their hands up to press them against his chest, brushing his thumb over Billy’s hand. “You don’t have to explain, if you don’t want. I’m sorry for suggesting it.”

“You didn’t know,” Billy said gruffly.

“And I’m not upset. Promise.”

Billy chanced a look up at Steve’s face. 

He was giving him a tiny smile, his chin tilted slightly down to give Billy the most sincere look he could possibly manage with those big earnest horse eyes of his. 

Billy leaned forward, pressing the softest of little kisses to that tiny smile. It was the only way he could think to let Steve know he was alright. No hard feelings. 

They kept walking June mostly in silence, bringing her on a big loop of the lush field. 

“My dad doesn’t really like that I’m bi,” Steve spoke unprompted, but it was clear he meant it as a response to their last conversation. “He told me when I came out to him that I’m just young and trying to be rebellious and acting out sexually and I’ll settle down with a nice girl once I’ve gotten it out of my system. I got so mad. I was fourteen. I once heard him and my mom talking about therapy. Like, you know. Therapy .”

Conversion therapy. 

Fuck. 

“Did they ever go through with it?”

“Nah. My mom told him that was fucked up and that whatever’s going on with me will work itself out. Now we just don’t talk about it.”

“She kinda had your back, that’s pretty cool.”

Billy told his mom he liked guys about two months before she left. She just told him not to tell his dad. 

“Yeah. Ignoring it is better than the alternative, I guess.”

Billy chewed on the inside of his cheek. 

They were still holding hands, despite their palms getting sweaty from being pressed together in this heat.

It was kinda gross. 

Billy never wanted to let go.

“I never even told my dad. He’s so clear about his feelings about. Stuff like that. He’s ex-military, and all that comes with it. Super conservative. Religious conservative, even. So he’s pretty much against everything.”

“So, that’s why you wanna move out so soon? Not to pry, or whatever.”

“Yeah. It sucks having to hide fundamental pieces of who you are from your family. The people that are supposed to love you, but instead tell you to change your shirt before you leave the house because you look like a queer.”

He left out the parts about the backhand slap and the much more aggressive wording that actually spelled out that interaction a few days ago. 

Billy had left his house feeling all kindsa cut up and pissed off and fucked Steve as hard as he could on the small table in the airstream, making the whole trailer shake and creak, just barely covering the sounds of Steve’s moans and cries. 

It was a good way to work out all that rage. 

There was something nice about stickin’ it to his dad by stickin’ it in Steve. 

They began the climb up the slight hill back to the paddock. 

“I’m sorry, Bill. I know I don’t get it, but I’m just. I’m sorry.”

“Me too.”

He wasn’t sorry for his father’s behavior. 

He was sorry for how his father has shaped him. 

How sometimes he was selfish and angry and closed-off. 

How he could get mean and snarl and attack before asking questions. 

But most of all, he was sorry that he was scared. 

Too scared to follow Steve to the ends of the Earth, like he was absolutely fuckin’ dying to. To live in these perfect few weeks together forever. 

Too scared to let go of their time together. So terrified that when their moments are finished, he’ll miss this happiness and peace so much he’ll wither into nothing. 

So terrified that this is the last time he’ll ever feel like this. Feel like there’s something good and worthwhile and beautiful inside of him. 

So terrified that the rage will eat away at that beautiful thing until there’s nothing left. 

Steve pulled his hands out of Billy’s when they reached the paddock, and he gave Billy a gentle smile, his eyes catching the sun in a way that made every warm summer afternoon wiggle its way into Billy’s heart. The cascade of fearful thoughts stopped in Billy’s brain, and he let himself watch as Steve pet June softly, removing her halter when she was safely in the paddock once again.

Steve placed a different one on Loretta, bringing her out of the paddock next. 

Loretta kept them walking a little faster, kicking her hooves up and making Billy laugh in the way she seemed to prance through the grass. 

She took off in a gallop, Steve jogging along next to her, the lead wrapped once around his hand again, and Billy could hear his laughter on the summer air. 

Loretta was full of energy, whinnying and braying all the time as she and Steve looped around the soft grasses. 

Billy cut up the hill, moving closer towards the fairgrounds and taking a seat on the ground. He crossed his legs in front of him, leaning to rest his elbows on his thighs, propping his chin up with his hand.

The grass was impossibly soft underneath him, and Steve was smiling so wide, pretending to swing dance with Loretta, using the lead as if it was the arm of his partner, spinning himself underneath it. 

There was a fat bumblebee buzzing around near Billy’s knee, landing on the tiny wildflowers sprinkled in the grass, wiggling itself in the pollen. 

It was fucking. 

Idyllic. 

Like something from one a’ those horse girl movies Steve no doubt loved more than anything. 

The sun was moving slowly through the sky.

He could just barely hear the announcer’s voice, echoing from the speakers in the event arena. 

And he wished, for some time, that this was his life. Traveling with Steve. Spending warm summer days sitting in the grass while Steve exercised his beloved horses. Nothing weighing on him but what they should do for dinner that night. Whether or not Max and her little rodeo friend Elle needed some extra cash for food. 

He let himself flop back in the grass, spreading his arms and legs out and watching the clouds roll by, sparse as they were. 

He hates to say it. He really does. But this is the happiest he thinks he’s ever been. 

Which is just. Sad. And dangerous. And not what he needs in this time-stamped little fling with someone he barely knows, despite how much he feels like their souls may be connected, or other shit the old poetry books stashed under his bed might wax and wane about. 

He tried to memorize everything about this moment. How Steve squinted in the bright light, the corners of his eyes crinkling just like they did when he smiled. The way the sun warmed his skin, almost as much as Steve’s touch warmed him up. 

Everything about these two weeks has been so perfect, it’s genuinely heartbreaking. 

All Billy wants is to cling onto Steve, and cling onto the month for-fucking-ever. 

He barely noticed the sound of hooves approaching him, and he grinned at Steve when he dropped to his knees next to Billy’s chest, his face tinged red, his brow slightly sweaty. 

Loretta leaned her head down to sniff at Billy’s forehead, and Billy made Steve laugh when he went cross-eyed to watch her dark nose twitch.

His laugh made something inside Billy keel over and die. 

Time is ticking down on how long he’ll get to hear that perfect sound. That lovely music of Steve’s happiness. 

“You ready for Patsy?” 

Loretta bumped Billy once on the head and moved to graze some of the grass next to Steve’s hip. 

“Yeah,” he said. 

He meant I’ll miss this too much when it’s gone.

[no-droids]

DOVE HAS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING MURDERED ME FUCK YOU WRITE OBI SO GOOD IT WAS PERFECT FROM START TO FINISH PART 3????? HEADCANONS ON WHAT THEY GET INTO OVER THE NEXT FEW DAYS??? ANYTHING

OH YEAH

There are so many ways this could potentially go so as the author I humbly present three options of fics I’ll never write, all of them featuring one very obvious thing I wouldve been forced to acknowledge in a nonexistent part 3 and each one increasing in angst so if you’re a happy person that loves happy endings (LIKE MEEEEEE SO EVEN THE ANGSTY ONES WILL HAVE HAPPY ENDINGS BECAUSE WHY ELSE GO THROUGH ALL THAT MESS) then limit yourself to the first one

((also I am not going to make this sound flowy and coherent because I have not the time for it padawans so you’re gonna have to deal with my bullshit in all its unfiltered bullshit if you want my thoughts because in this house we wing it understand))

Very fluffy, very happy, slightly unrealistic headcanon:

You and Obi-Wan are like little RABBITS after this like not just for the rest of the ritual but the whole trip back, like yall bang it out for like a whole two weeks like nobody’s business and he can’t fucking get enough of you. Both go back to Coruscant, Obi-Wan asks the Council if he can oversee the whole training aspect of the new soldiers before they’re sent out into the war, he’s granted permission because he’s just given the republic the ultimate checkmate against the separatists so nobody’s gonna fuckin say SHIT. Y’all do everything and more that Obi-Wan first offered to you in those fantasies, and it’s hot and dirty and secret sex (IN A GREAT WAY) and you get to make eyes at each other when you pass in the halls and it’s TINGLY and maybe... maybe at some point your signature starts to change just a little bit, even more than when yall first did your thing on s’Ziscari and suddenly WHAT HOLY SHIT YOU PREGNANT???? and normally that would be such a SHOCK and OUTRAGE to have a PREGNANT JEDI IN THE ORDER except what the fuck is the council gonna do about it like? They literally ASKED for this, gave their blessing knowing full damn well that shit was a ritual of fertility and he would have to cum inside you for a week straight, knowing you weren’t on birth control because you’re a Jedi like there’s no reason for it, knowing that you did it to save the entire galaxy like WHAT THE FUCK IS THEY GON DO?? so oopsies BABY TIME BABY and I had that wonderful anon once who graciously informed us all that mundi was granted permission to uh. MARRY AND HAVE CHILDREN due to extenuating circumstances so hell yeah you and Obi-Wan have a lil Jedi family and its great and everything is lovely and either you have a lil kid that has a soft lovely turquoise signature in the force OR you have twins and one of them has green energy and the other has blue the end

Slightly angstier headcanon:

Obi-Wan knows it’s wrong but he still wants it. He fucks you hard those six days and then the entire trip back, but once he goes back to coruscant around all the other jedi he starts bouncing back and forth between hot and cold because HE can’t handle it. But he still requests to stay on Coruscant because secretly he knows he won’t be able to resist you for long and then oop y’all got that force connection thingie so you know exactly what he’s thinking, you know how much he wants it and how much he’s still struggling with it and so you become a lil minx that continues to seduce him constantly, you start masturbating when you know he can hear you and thinking of very sexy kinky things that starts to drive obi-wan just a lil bit crazy in the head, but he’s STRONG and he got years of experience resisting his feelings for you. But then WHOOPS PREGNANT so that baby bump very quickly brings y’all back together because Obi never imagined he’d be a father, but then the council isn’t as cool this time about it and the only offer they present is that you have the baby quietly and the baby will join the academy as a youngling and y’all can’t ever tell them you’re their parents because it creates attachments. So you’re devastated but you understand and Obi-Wan gives you that non husband husband dick to make you both feel better and then you both grow old together, secretly in love and you get to watch your lil youngling grow into a excellent little jedi from afar and it’s kinda sad but at the same time it’s fitting for the setting so don’t come at me

ANGSTY HEADCANON:

Obi-Wan loses himself in the ritual for the rest of the six days but as soon as it’s over and done with, he realizes the gravity of what he just did and how Dark he allowed himself to become, and he FREAKS and turns away from his feelings because it’s what he’s been trained to do his entire life and he avoids your ass like the fucking corona even though y’all still have a permanent connection thingie in the force and he can feel your HURT but here’s the thing that’s just MORE DARKNESS, more of why he never wanted to do this to begin with and he can’t get alleviate that darkness without also giving into it so FUCK he just goes back to fighting and leaves you, just like you feared he would. And then suddenly OOPS PREGGO but without obi-wan there to stand up for the sacrifices you made, you get banished from the order and WHAT THE FUCK EVERYTHING BAD IS HAPPENING ALL AT ONCE and obi-wan can feel something through the force from across the universe (stolen, credit: The Beatles) and he STRUGGLES BITCH EVERY DAY HE STRUGGLES WITH THIS SHIT but then AHHHHHHH!! PALPATINE SCREECH because oh fuck that’s some good darkness right there mhm and the s’Ziscari just threw a wrench into everything so palpatine panics and uses everything that’s happening to TURN YOU SITH DUN DUN DUNNNNNN (if you’re reading this far I’m assuming you’re wondering why palpatine wasn’t ever mentioned in any of the other potential headcanons and theres a great reason for that tbh it’s because I’m an asshole author and I reserve the right to choose whatever storyline fits my whims at the time) BUT ANYWAYS so you go full on dark side baby and it’s sexy as fuck you got them slightly yellow eyes but before you can get too deep into it, obi-wan can feel that shit in the force and HE DROPS EVERYTHIGN TO GET YOU BACK BABY DONT FRET. he makes some big gesture idk and you forgive him and balance his light with your darkness again and he leaves the order for you and you both become grey jedi with a family with no affiliation to the order and live happily ever after the end

Anyways. feel free to ignore all of those and come up with your own ending instead! this is just me suggesting possibilities