#anyway thanks for coming to my emotional rampage if you've read this far lolz uwu
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casually spiraling and dont think there's anything i can do about it at this point anymore. i wanna just give up and let myself spiral.
#something something alcohol disclaimer#what is it about depression that has a siren call no matter how well you're doing. why would i ever think it's more comfortable and safe...#been in denial for a bit now; thinking that even if i was sad i was at least dealing wtih it better than i would have in years past#that i'm just normal sad - normal ups and downs. that i was in 'control' and wouldn't fall as Low™️ as being more than 'normal sad' again#i know where things changed for me back in feb and i've been trying to 'get back to myself' since then but i keep falling flat#i've been so terrified of going back to who i was before i was doing so well and yet i feel like it's happening#i'd never done so well for so long and thought i was somewhat safe#thought i had more awareness and coping mechanisms to handle inevitable sad times in life#but almost half the year is passed now and everything is one step forward and either one or two steps back#i'm trying so hard all the time. i work hard at myself#and for what? just to get to many more nights like this where i feel like i'm not trying at all and want to let myself rot?#like the garbage i feel like i am?#i'm either spinning my wheels or getting worse. and i feel like thinking that itself is a bad sign and is hould be fighting that thought.#but it's an observation...#sometimes it's so relieving to just give up#my heart hurts and i keep getting teh anxiety tummy of constant butterflies/the sensation of zero g#every minor thing feels like the end of the world#i want to sob and drink and cvt/burn and shop and smoke weed and drive 100 mph and eat an#anyway thanks for coming to my emotional rampage if you've read this far lolz uwu#*throws self into kink for psychologically relevant catharsis & comfort*#personal
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