#anyway pistachio enjoyers come back i didn't mean it i actually like pistachio

[lumentears]

Borderlands 2 Locations rated by how well I would fare there as an ice cream truck driver, sorted by worst to best

DLC locations excluded because I'm a broke bastard and the list is long enough as it is.

19: Caustic Caverns

There's nothing there! The only customers I would get are Threshers and Varkids, both of whom I have a boiling, seething hatred for, and there's acid lakes everywhere! That'll ruin my truck! All I'd have for company would be Elyse Booth's severely depressing echos and the (frankly bangin') ambient track.

Most requested flavour: Varkids love the taste of soft, tender ice cream vendor.

18: Southern Shelf

Have you ever looked at a glacier and thought: Yes, that's the perfect place to have me some of that cold sugar cream? Me neither! And given Captain Flynt's propensity for torture I don't think it's the safest turf to drive a truck through. My one (1) customer would be Sir Hammerlock way up on Liar's Berg, and he'd mostly buy my stuff out of a sense of obligation and pity. Also Claptrap is there.

Most requested flavour: Minty Chocolate, by Sir Hammerlock and Sir Hammerlock only.

17: The Bunker

I bet Angel's never had ice cream. I bet Angel's not allowed to have ice cream. I bet I'd just make myself sad trying to describe the taste the different flavours I have to her, knowing full well she'll never sample them.

Most requested flavour: Berry Mix, most requested but never eaten as again, Jack won't let me through to the control core.

16: Wildlife Exploitation Preserve

Not only do I have to listen to the screams of victims of torture and experimentation, I also have to contend with all manner of starving and mistreated beasts attracted to the smell of my truck. And as cute as they are, I'm pretty sure having a puking skag try to get into your freezer is unsanitary.

Most requested flavour: All of the contents of my truck, after it's been flipped over by hungry skags for the third time this week.

15: Arid Nexus

Now that's just a depressing locale. Nobody sees the ruins of their former home and thinks man, I could go for some soft serve right now. And once again, my clientel would consist of mostly bandits, so I get to be vaguely sad and constantly fearing for my life and cream.

Most requested flavour: Pistachio, a sad flavour for sad people stuck in the past.

14: Sawtooth Cauldron

Is a bitch to navigate even on foot, you think I can get my ice cream truck through there? I get hopelessly lost there even when I can somehow get myself from Point A to Point B situated 100 feet below without shattering my ankles along with every other bone in my body, you think my truck can handle these stunts?

Most requested flavour: Rocky Road - nuts to crack a bandit's teeth and marshmallow to pull them out.

13: Opportunity

Now initially, Opportunity scores some points by being a clean environment filled with workers who have experience with the process of exchanging money for goods and services. Naturally, these workers only have a five second break to work with, so I would probably have to invest in some kind of ice cream cannon to immediately transfer that milky goodness into the workers' waiting mouths. All that's left is to become a class traitor and completely sell out - and become an asset of the Hyperion corperation for life and after death.

Most requested flavour: Hyperion's™ © ® Handsome Jack's™ © ® Butt Stallion's™ © ® Glitter Cream.

12: Lynchwood

We have canon evidence that there is a demand for ready-to-eat cuisine in Lynchwood, given their grilled skag stands. With my truck, the Lynchwoodians don't even have to cross the street to get their fix, I'll come straight to their doorstep! My only problem is Nisha, and the iron fist she rules her kingdom (sheriffdom?) with. Do I trust myself to run an ice cream truck without breaking any laws? Given that while writing this I am literally listening to the Borderlands UST which I priated I absolutely don't.

Most requested flavour: Malaga (rum soaked raisins). It's Nisha's favourite. All other flavours are illegal.

11: The Fridge

I know that the general code of conduct when you see someone shoplifting is to ignore it, but when there's a tunnel rat up to their elbows in a tub of soft serve, I've got a health code violation on my hands - or rather, on theirs. On the plus side, I just know these rats are always, always hungry and Laney has proven that with some kindness shown they're ready to act like a person and consider alternatives to cannibalism.

Most requested flavour: That One Fucked Up Old Bay Seasoning Ice Cream From The Brian David Gilbert Video, You Know The One.

10: Eridium Blight

I have one customer and one customer only: Mal the Human Man. That's alright, because Mal the Human Man is aching for the normal human activity of shoving frozen sugary udder juice into his facial orifice and making uncomfortable small talk. Also, you can't beat that Eridium Blight view. And it's got a place called Lover's Leap - what a romantic location to enjoy a sweet treat!

Most requested flavour: Cosmopolitan, the most average flavour.

9: Hero's Pass and the Vault of the Warrior

Close your eyes and imagine with me: You're about to enter the vault, taking the final step in your fight against the man exploiting and aiming to eradicate Pandora. All of a sudden, you hear it - a jaunty little jingle. Why not have a last ice cream before facing your destiny?

Yeah, I don't get a lot of repeat customers.

Most requested flavour: Y'know when people were convinced the world was going to end in 2012 and ordered food with gold flakes on them because they thought they weren't going to have to pay? Yeah, I don't think I'll see them again.

8: Frostburn Canyon

Now I readily agree that it is far too cold to sell ice cream in Frostburn Canyon. However, the cult of the Firehawk politely disagree - no cold confectionary treat is too cool to douse the flames of passion in their hearts or something. That's fine by me - I'll just make sure to slap on a temporary firehawk tattoo to avoid getting human sacrificed.

Most requested flavour: Dark chocolate and flamin' hot chili.

7: Three Horns

The high rating of these locations (yes, I combined Three Horns Valley and Divide, what are you gonna do about it) hinges on one locale only: Bloodshot Stronghold. If I play my cards juuuust right, I might become a Marcus-like figure to them, a deity to be praised and sacrificed to because I'm the bitch who brings the ice cream. If I play my cards wrong I'll just get shot on sight, of course.

Most requested flavour: Flanksteak seems like a banana ice cream kinda guy to me. Banana ice cream enjoyers DNI.

6: Thousand Cuts

You can't tell me the Slab King wouldn't like ice cream, and buckets of it. Bet he has a real sweet tooth. My wellbeing of course hinges on his slabs recognizing the jingle of my truck and remembering not to shoot me in the face.

Most requested flavour: Strawberry with a little waffle and a tiny umbrella.

5: Tundra Express

Is it unethical to exploit the sugar addiction of an unsupervised child? Absolutely. Am I still gonna sell all of my ice cream to Tiny Tina? Again, absolutely. Am I terrified of what will happen if I cut her off for having had enough sugar for the day? AB-SO-LUTELY.

Most requested flavour: Blue (whatever that tastes like) with lots of sprinkles. Like, covered in sprinkles. Eclipsed by sprinkles.

4: The Highlands

The entire concept of an Ice Cream Truck was made for the people of Overlook. No need to leave your house, the food comes to you! I'll even write a little get well soon message on the napkins! And it's always a pleasure to serve a town where 99% of people are aware of transactions that don't involve bullets and/or expletives.

Most requested flavour: Cherry and cream, a fun flavour, if a little tame. Old Reliable.

3: Sanctuary

The people of Sanctuary need some cheering up, and pronto! These folk must have an appetite for sweet treats, and once I get my top surgery I won't even have to be afraid of encroaching on Moxxi's territory of big boobed gastronomy. Alas, Claptrap is there.

Most requested flavour: Some fruity mango-melon to shake off that pre-apocalypse blues.

2: Any of the arenas

I'd have to refurbish my truck into a concession stand, of course, but I really think business would be booming! Who doesn't want put some supremely unhealthy stuff (ice cream) inside their body while watching other people put some supremely unhealthy stuff (bullets) inside each other's bodies?

Most requested flavour: Salted caramel with popcorn bits.

1: The Dust

It's hot as ass, you've got the Hodunks who I just know would go googoo gaga over needlessly sugary artifical flavours in frozen cream, you've got the buzzard academy that play volleyball all day and will most definitely want to cool down with some iced cream, and should I ever get into engine trouble, I have Pandora's best and best looking mechanic right there!

Most requested flavour: Refreshing lemon-lime for the volleyball players, but you know I always hold back pint of cookies and cream for (Borat voice) my wiiiife Ellie.