#anyway now its time to do my math ia

[aestherin]

omg ri long time no see whatchu been up too?

im gonna die here this week :) but who even cares, after my exams are over ill be making sm art and watching so much anime you wouldn't believee.

also why is it that i hate maths but its one of my best subjects????? anyways luv u as usual heh cya now

-starlight anon

OMG HI IVE BEEN A LITTLE IA LATELY HAVENT I😭

i actually just came home from an overnight swimming (my dad's company outing HAHAHA) i can't float anymore i can only swim under😭😭

ALSO HOPE YOURE DOING WELL DESPITE EXAMS🫶 BEST OF LUCK AND REMEMBER TO NOT BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF <3

luv u too❤️

[just-the-daydreamer]

Too much

By @just-the-daydreamer for @ferretshark 

@friendly-neighborhood-exchange

Rating: General Audiences

Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Ned Leeds & Peter Parker

Characters: Peter Paker, Tony Stark, Ned Leeds, FRIDAY (Marvel), May Parker (mentioned)

Summary: 

“I-I think it’s a sensory overload. I don’t know what caused it. Everything is just, too much!” Peter managed to grit out, hands still locked in place over his ears. They weren’t really helping him filter out the sound, but it gave him something to focus on.

OR

Peter wakes up with a sensory overload and Tony is there to help him out.

Ao3 link (Doesn’t work yet)

Taglist:

@paradoxicalblueberry @keep-a-bucket-full-of-stars @aatticsaltt @marvel-us-world @tony-wheres-my-supersuit @sketchydragonscales @baloobird @a-l-ias @spideynamu @troubledpixel @irondad-is-cannon-bitch

Hi! I really hope you enjoy this!! I tried to keep the whump to a minimum and tried my best at Protective Tony! I hope you like it!

Peter’s head was pounding. He’d only woken up a few minutes ago but he was sure that it was not going to be a Good Day. The fabric of his shirt was rubbing against him in a way that seemed to burn and the blanket felt even worse. The only reason Peter even kept the blanket was to hide himself from the light. It was burning his retinas. 

His alarm clock suddenly went off and the shrill ringing was even more painful than the light. His hand shot out from under the blanket and switched it off before yanking his arm back underneath. He groaned quietly after remembering that he had a math test and he couldn’t skip school, even though his body was begging him to. 

Dragging his body out of bed was one of the most difficult experiences he had ever dealt with as Peter Parker. Usually, the painful stuff was left for Spiderman to deal with. Somehow, Peter managed to get ready for school, wearing the comfiest clothes he owned. 

Forcing his legs to move, Peter made his way to the kitchen to grab the lunch he had prepared yesterday evening. He snagged a few nutrition bars to eat along the way. They would, hopefully, keep his energy up until lunch. 

The commute to school was awful, being in a compact area pressed up against countless other people was nauseating. Peter stumbled out of the carriage and made his way to the gates, head still spinning from the journey. He staggered into his homeroom seat and as soon as his bag was off, he rested his head against the cool table for some relief. 

“Peter? Are you okay?” Ned leaned across his table to whisper his question in Peter’s ear. 

“I’m fine. Just a headache.” He replied, stringing the least amount of words together to suffice Ned’s worrying. 

“It doesn’t look like ‘just a headache’ to me. Should you even be at school?” Ned continued to press the issue, unaware of how Peter truly felt. 

Peter turned his head to whisper, eyes still closed, “I’m fine, Ned.” Before continuing to rest his head against the table. 

Ned backed off after that. It was a small mercy which Peter was grateful for. He just hoped that everyone else would leave him alone. 

-

The misshapen, paper ball hit its target once again. The target being the back of Peter’s head. It was really irritating him and he was already in a bad mood. It seemed his senses had become even more sensitive and now he couldn’t block out anything. The longer the day went, the worse he felt. It was a mistake coming into school but any more missed days and Peter would’ve faced disciplinary action. 

His original plan was just to keep his head down, hood up and try to focus on blocking everything out but that plan was soon scrapped after getting told to take his hood off. His new plan was to tough it out until after the maths test and go home, saying he was sick. Less than an hour in and Peter was just about ready to leap out of the window and go home anyway. 

Flash had been getting extremely on his nerves today and Peter didn’t have the energy to do anything about it. He was really regretting not sleeping in now. 

As the lesson continued to drag on, Peter’s head began to hurt even more. The fluorescent lights were piercing his eyes, even when he had them closed. The thumping sound of his classmates’ heartbeats surrounded him and their droning chatter was vibrating in his ears. He could smell the wood shavings from someone’s pencil and the food in people’s bags, all mixing together to form a repulsive odour that only he could smell. His clothes brushed against his skin and its touch was the worst sensation he could have felt. He couldn’t imagine how much worse it might have been if he hadn’t chosen comfy clothes that morning but he didn’t really want to think about it. 

The bell rang and the sound of thousands of feet shuffling and stomping against the ground was all that Peter could hear. The ringing was still echoing through his eardrums and the noise of the people’s conversations and their shoes squeaking on the floor was too much. 

He wanted to tear his ears off, the world was so loud. His hands instinctively moved towards his ears, trying to block out as much noise as he could but the vibrations still made their way to his overwhelmed eardrums. It was so loud it felt like his brain was rattling in his skull. 

His fingers were still clamped over his ears when he felt someone’s hand on his shoulder. Judging from their grip, Peter assumed it was Ned. Peter opened his eyes, not even realising that he had closed them at any point, to find an empty and blindingly bright room and Ned behind him. 

“Okay, what’s going on, Peter? Don’t lie to me and tell me you’re fine.” Ned said with a firm tone. He removed his hand from Peter’s shoulder and crossed his arms, looking (rightfully) displeased. 

“I-I think it’s a sensory overload. I don’t know what caused it. Everything is just, too much!” Peter managed to grit out, hands still locked in place over his ears. They weren’t really helping him filter out the sound, but it gave him something to focus on. 

“Look, I think you should go see the nurse. Maybe she’ll let you go home or she might be nice and let you sleep it off. Either way, I really think that you shouldn’t be in school today.” Ned’s voice was softer this time, lower in volume. It wasn’t much but it gave him the slightest amount of relief. 

“Can’t go home. Got a maths test. May’s at work, too." 

"Oh my gosh, Peter! You can’t seriously believe that you’ll be able to take a maths test when you can’t even stand up right now and get a good score! You can retake the test another day - Mrs. Davis loves you anyway so just take the day off.” The teen softly exclaimed, astonished at the stupidity of his best friend. 

“I don’t wanna make a scene, Ned." 

"I think you already made a scene when the bell rang and you were still sitting here with your hands over your head. Plus, I’m already late to my next lesson so I might as well have a proper excuse.” And with that, Ned hauled Peter out of his seat, careful not to irritate him too much. He grabbed his friend’s bag and threw it over his shoulder before hovering around Peter in case his knees buckled. 

-

A painful couple of minutes later, the duo arrived outside the nurses office. Ned was already 10 minutes late so he just stayed with Peter and explained the situation to the nurse. He was already late, why not help his friend out while he’s there? 

Peter’s details were taken and May was called but the nurse was obviously disappointed that she didn’t pick up.

Even though they’d already said she was at work.

So, Peter’s second emergency contact was called and it went about as well as Ned would’ve imagined. 

“Hello? My name is Susan Lee and I’m calling on behalf of Peter Parker. Is this Mr. Stark?" 

"This is him, yes. Is Peter okay-" 

"He’s feeling a bit ill. He has a headache and he says he feels sick. His aunt didn’t pick up the phone so we had to call you. Is it alright for you to pick him up?" 

"I’ll be there soon, thanks for calling me.” The phone cut off with a beep and Miss Lee set the phone down softly on the desk. 

The nurse whirled around towards Ned and raised a shaky finger at his face. With wide eyes she questioned, “There is no way that was Tony Stark! How does” - she pointed her finger towards a pale and unresponsive Peter instead - “ that boy know Tony Stark?!”

Honestly, Ned was slightly impressed at how calm she had been while talking to a literal celebrity. That didn’t mean that he wasn’t unnerved by her accusing finger. He backed away from her slightly, shifting his gaze between her concentrated gaze and Peter, who was collapsed against a table by his chair. 

“He interns for Stark Industries! I think he’s Mr. Stark’s personal intern!" 

"There is no way Stark Industries hires high school interns!” She pressed, hand slowly sinking into her lap. 

“Don’t shoot the messenger! If you don’t believe me, why don’t you just wait and see? Mr. Stark said he’s coming to pick Peter up anyway so you’ll see him then!” Ned tried to placate her but he wasn’t sure if she would listen or not. It was quite intimidating to be honest, Miss Lee was always a nice nurse so this side of her was kind of terrifying.

Ned checked on Peter, saying his 'get wells’ and goodbyes one more time before turning to leave. He was late enough, and he didn’t need to be there for Mr. Stark’s arrival. 

-

Tony burst into the school with an air of calm disguising his worry. Peter was never one to just get a headache and go home, so either he was hiding an injury or something worse had happened. 

When he opened the door, the first thing he could see was a head of curly brown hair slumped against a small table adjacent to a row of chairs. His thinly veiled calmness almost shattered there and then but he managed to hold it together to turn to the nurse and sign some papers, muttering something about taking Peter home. 

Tony truly had no idea what he had said, he felt like he was in a haze, but whatever it was, it seemed to work and he gathered Peter’s things before turning to said teen. 

He crouched down in front of him and ran a calloused hand through the boy’s sweaty hair. 

Tapping the side of his face he whispered to the teenager. “Hey, Pete. A little birdie told me you weren’t feeling too hot today. You wanna get outta here?" 

A small nod was given in response and that was all that Tony needed to help Peter up and walk them out the school gates. 

-

The drive back was… painful to say the least. Tony tried to drive as fast as he could back to the Tower but Peter was in pain the entire time. It killed him to see the kid in so much pain but there was nothing he could do at that point. He’d already given Peter his sunglasses which seemed to help a little and the kid had already grabbed some soundproof headphones from his bag, but even then he could still hear sounds. 

The kid had also explained briefly that he was having a sensory overload, which was something that Tony could deal with. At the Tower.

On the road, however? Not so much. 

When they finally reached the elevator, FRIDAY took them straight up to Tony’s personal floor. 

As soon as the doors opened, Tony whispered, "Protocol Bedtime.” Immediately the lights went off and Tony guided a much more relaxed Peter towards his room, through muscle memory alone. 

He had Peter change out of his clothes and put on something softer to wear to sleep. He wasn’t really sure what to do to help Peter, but some rest seemed like a good idea. Hopefully, he’d be able to sneak away and build something to block out input. 

Forcing Peter to lie down, Tony closed the curtains in his room and sat down on the mattress next to where the young adolescent laid. 

“You feeling better, kiddo?” Tony whispered at what he hoped was a suitable volume. 

“Um, yeah. Yeah everything’s great.” Peter fidgeted under the covers. 

“You sure? Because if there’s anything I can do just say the word, it’ll be done.”

“Erm, yeah, there’s-there’s this one thing. It’s really embarrassing though and- actually it’s fine don’t worry about it.” Peter decided, pulling the covers over himself and looking away from Tony’s gaze. 

“Come on, kiddo. Spit it out. I want to help you. I bet it’s not even that embarrassing. What is it? You need the toilet but I tucked you in too well?” Tony replied with a small smile, hoping he could get Peter to talk. 

“Wi-will you stay?” Peter asked, tentatively, glancing back at Tony. 

The billionaire’s eyes softened as he glanced at the kid- his kid. He would do anything for this kid and his heart was bursting with so much love for him. He wouldn’t admit it though. He had a reputation to keep. 

“Of course I’ll stay. Scoot over would you?” Tony slipped his shoes off and sat under the covers with Peter who’d moved away from the centre of the mattress. 

Peter immediately moved closer to his mentor, until his head was against his hip. Peter rolled on his side to face Tony and he closed his eyes, taking relief in his father figure’s presence. Tony didn’t say anything, just placed his hands in Peter’s curls and began untangling the knots that had formed. He didn’t know if it would help Peter, but his blissful expression said everything. Tony stayed with him, carding his fingers through Peter’s soft hair, until he was sure that the teen had fallen asleep. Trying to be as silent as possible, Tony extracted himself from the bed and slipped his shoes on before exiting the room. 

He headed down to the lab and told FRIDAY to notify him when Peter woke up. He left a message for May, explaining what had happened and that Peter was okay. Then he got to work. 

-

“Boss, Peter has woken up.” FRIDAY helpfully informed him a few hours later.

“Thanks, FRI. I’ll be up there soon." 

Tony made his way up to his floor, some sleek earphones in hand. Opening the door softly, he poked his head through the door and looked to see a half asleep Peter sitting up, his hair wild and sticking out. A soft chuckle was heard from Tony as he opened the door completely and walked inside, heading towards the confused hero. 

"What’s happening?” Peter’s voice was scratchy and raw. 

“You had a sensory overload. You hungry?” Tony replied, setting the earphones down on Peter’s lap. 

“What’re these?” Peter asked, turning them over in his hands. 

“Earphones. Hopefully, they’ll block out the worst of the sounds when you’re in public. I made them small so you can wear them in class and still hear what’s going on without being overwhelmed.” Tony replied with a shrug. 

Suddenly, he had an armful of Peter who was holding on tightly to the billionaire. Tony smiled and after a few moments he returned the hug, gripping the kid just as tight. 

When they finally separated, Tony started to tame the boy’s hair, smoothing it down. “I asked you a question earlier. You hungry?” Tony said, his lips quirking up into a smile. 

“Starving. I was gonna go home at lunch after I had my math test but…” he trailed off, looking bashfully at his father figure. 

All Tony could do was laugh at his stupidity. His kid had no common sense. “What am I going to do with you, kiddo?" 

"Make me a grilled cheese sandwich?” Peter replied, voice hopeful. 

“Sure. Let’s go.” Tony snorted, pulling Peter up and leading him into the kitchen. The billionaire pulled him into a one-armed hug while they made their way into the kitchen. 

He couldn’t hide his grin when Peter leaned closer.

[rrxnjun]

ahhh no bc I find human interaction hard too </3 + I tend to overthink my responses so fghsfkgs yeah pls don’t apologize for replying late !!

I got into kpop back in 2018 (?) and its been my comfort zone since then. I started off as an army (yes, an army 💀. lets not talk ab 13 y/o me and her questionable decision making skills here  but, like, their music was actually good back then hhhh the emo in me appreciated them a lot lol) then slowly moved onto nct. oml I still remember not liking chewing gum and complaining ab the entire concept to a friend 😭😭 but !! the song grew on me and then came the point when I began looking into the dreamies seriously and ajgdf here I am :’) ngl I still need time to understand nct songs as a whole (yes, I'm looking at you sticker)

OKAYY so I remember reading somewhere that your bias’ personality tend to match yours?? and I think that holds for you kjfhgskdjg my mbti’s intj and so is yangyang’s so I think that’s one thing we share uhh that and maybe being extremely weird. I'm not ‘eaten cat food’ level weird but I am definitely weird to sm extent. OH GODS THAT PART WHERE THEY SING I’M GONNA LOVE YOU BY D.O kyungsoo from exo is my ult of ults so hearing them sing along to his song while driving >>> i was feeling sm things fr. renjun and yangyang are just🥺🤧😭😭

ohhh doyoung’s one of my 127 biases too lord the vocals >>> have you listened to maniac by hyuck and doyoung?? It’s really good. anyways nct vocal line supremacy and nct supremacy in general damnn they make it so hard to choose biases.

I still love dive into you sm that song always gets the waterworks working for sm reason think it’ll be in my spotify wrapped again (oml its been a year since hot sauce ?? time’s an illusion ByE) and oof turn back time era was so gooood after midnight, nectar hmm it was just hoe anthem after hoe anthem but I'm not complaining at all !! you have any fave songs from these eras?

so I stan nct, red velvet and exo (I ult them tho they’re like super ia) I'm a casual stan for shinee, enhypen and svt. I was a serious stay but just slowly lost track of the things there. I regularly listen to txt and aespa (had a v serious bluehour phase and black mamba phase back in 2021 lol) but I haven’t gone beyond that. Anddd I do randomly listen to other groups but I don’t really know the members.

Dfkjhd LMAOO ALRIGHT so I'm a stem student who is seriously considering engineering so idt I'm getting rid of math anytime soon :’) and as desperate times call for desperate measures and all that I'm willing to try anything that’ll help me keep going *war flashback to the time listening to firetruck on loop for like 3 hrs helped me finish a 100 q calc assignment a day before the submission date* ohh I had a serious emo phase of sorts back in 2017-18 like right before kpop overtook my playlists kfjf I listened to more of twenty one pilots, imagine dragons, 5sos, halsey uhh couple of more I don’t remember them rn

p.s. 👀 the yangyang tiktok. also, ily have a good day/night and remember to stay hydrated <3

I feel like everyone starts as an army HHH i did too! altho the first kpop song i really vibed to was hip by mamamoo, bts was the first group i stanned. I actually got into kpop as a joke at first but then i kind of uhh realised i liked it so i just made it my whole personality 💀💀 im not ashamed of my army past tho,, i started writing again because of them! and the times when i was an army brought me a lot of joy. while i dont enjoy their new music and dont keep up with them at all, i recnogise the positive impact they had on me

chewing gum >>>>> instant serotonin fr. also pause. YOU DONT LIKE STICKER ??? good for you honestly. i didnt like it at first but now that i got into kpop again i just. i dont know what it is. i feel like i was drugged bc im obsessed w it ?? i even let out a happy giggle yesterday when i heard the opening flute i feel like im going insane.

i think the bias thing applies to me a lot with other groups as well!! also yesterday i watched the dreamies debate and renjun had the same opinions as me (mostly) and in the last one he even made the same points i would I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING CRAZY SHSJ WHAT IS THIS. im an infp/infj! not sure who shares that mbti haha. also i ate dog food before and more than once just to see how it tastes so idk what that says abt me

KYUNGSOO IS YOUR BIAS ?? im not an exo-l but the songs i know from them, i really really enjoy. idk if i said this before but im the biggest fan of baekhyun's solo music i even own the bambi album 😩😩his albums are a fundemental part of me and from what i've seen in superm, i am absolutely crazy for this man. maybe you can recommend me some exo music to listen to bc i would love to get into them more 👀

MANIAC IS SO GOOOOOD my e2l hyuck fic is inspired and named after it 😭 i fucking love that song. THEIR VOCALS!!!!!

nct vocal line supremecy but also nct dance line!! nobody does it like them. their dance line is so strong fr nobody competes!!! but yes their vocals are truly unmatched. nct outsang. stay mad about it.

A YEAR SINCE HOT SAUCE DONT REMIND ME 😭😭😭 dive into you is one of my favs but rainbow is what truly gets my tears rolling. my comfort song fr. and nectar and after midnight >>>>> but i must confess that my fav is actually electric hearts it makes me feel unbelievable abount of serotonin. the fact that yy and hendery wrote the lyrics makes the whole song even better 😩 lowkey wanna write a soulmate au inspired by it 👀

so youre an sm stan!! i literally started stanning aespa like 3 days ago. had another bisexual awakening i feel like. i always wanted to get into red velvet but it never really worked out smh. i used to be a serious stay as well!! but if im being 100% honest, i had a big falling out w this group after in life era. it hurt me a lot to say goodbye to them but i barely even stan anymore, if im being honest. they were a big part of my life, but the music just isnt for me anymore :((

YOURE A STEM STUDENT ? how. i used to be a business student lmaoo so i didnt really have to study any science/math subjects lmao. absolutely hated business school, tho. thank god i graduated this year <3 im going to study psychology at uni in september, so neurobiology is the closest i'll get to being a stem student hahaha. good luck w your studies!! it must be hella hard i cant imagine

I HAD AN EMO PHASE IN 2015-2018 AS WELL AAAAA i fucking loooved twenty one pilots but they are just not it anymore 😭 the same w all time low why do punk groups always have to have a pedophilia/sa scandals. i also loved 5sos, parx and paramore hh but i still do to this day!

and to end this off here you have the yy tiktok as a sneak peek before i post tomorrow <3

[zeeeeee-sh]

this month(s) in bullet points

MAJOR LIFE UPDATE, happy reading lol. I have not done one of these for a while....

●  First, Eid Mubarak to you all! I hope you all had a wonderful and productive Ramadan, and a joyous Eid! 3 weeks of ramzan I was in school - 2 for classes, 1 for finals. but finals I didn't have to fast so it worked out fabulously. super thankful to have prayed taraweeh (almost) every night next to my mom and nani once again

● Quick spring quarter wrap up: all B's. about what I expected lol for what I put in. I AM DONE WITH THE STATS SERIES FOR MY MAJOR woo. I don't think I have to take any more math classes yesssssss. And also I finished a stupid comp sci requirement, that class was complete BS, i am not even kidding. the assignments were about google drive and microsoft, i was SO annoyed, how have you even made it this far in life or school without that knowledge. ANYWAYS, i am done and I passed and that is done. i hate useless bs class like that. useless major reqs. I wrote a paper on Islamophobia for my soc 3 social problems class...and for this useless comp sci class I wrote a research paper on cyberslacking....those were my main papers of the quarter. andddd..thats about it. My schedule for next quarter in the fall is M, T, Th. 3 days a week...the class i really wanted was full. i am so mad about that~i would have knocked out TWO reqs. writing and soc seminar. oh well...

● I am working my same job next year on campus!! aH. I applied for it once again, and i'm happy to say I will be continuing. ANNNND I applied to be a discussion leader (like a TA) for a summer class for incoming freshman. I got the position aH! This class will start Summer session 2, so I will be working starting early August. I am so excited, I have always wanted to be a TA/discussion leader and have a "class." Very excited and thankful for this. but in the meantime, I have nothing going on lol (which I am working on). So pretty much my july is free....

● I also applied for a summer internship program with a start up company, it was a consulting firm based near me. The founder/CEO is someone I really respected and admired, so I was happy to have gotten the position. I accepted, and worked one week, but then I resigned this past Friday, 2 days before Eid. I wasn't feeling it and the workload was not what I was expecting. And also i really felt overwhelmed, and usually I never do but it got to me. I mean I understood it was a lot of work, as is anything of course, but I didn't "feel" the position, you know? like my instict was I am not fit for here, so that's why I left. I felt thrown into a lot of things and I also didn't think was qualified. But my main reason was that I got really overwhelmed and felt I was being thrown into work. I probably chicken-ed out. I know I did. Like i was being CC’d in a million MSA west emails, like who am I to get involved now? if i wanted to work with msa west dont you think i would have accepted all those nominations the past yr? like i have no background with the org and you want me to do all this behind the scenes work, how would MSAW feel with this random girl coming in and doing stuff. i don't like jumping in mid way and all that, so yeah. But overall I know that I chickened out....i'll probably regret this lol but at least I know it and acknowledge the fact.

● We got a third cat; her name is Noor. My dad was driving us nuts to get a third one. We already have 2, is that not enough? he went on Saturday morning and got her from the pet store. she's cute no doubt, but like im really concerned about her getting along with the other 2...we shall see. its been 3-4 days now. he decided to name her noor, I liked it so we went with it!

● Hmmm...for IR, we had our grand iftar early June. and I had my toy drive the week before Eid. it was at my parents office and so my family came out and they were all there. it was a kid friendly and family event. we collected 155 toys. aH we didn't run out of material like paper tape etc. We have enough of everything...if only it was a little less hot...just bc of roza of course, i know people were thirsty. on a normal day it would have been perfectly fine. I did A-Z for this toy drive. we had banners, balloons, snacks for kids, water bottles promo items, certificate of appreciation, etc. we had everythingggg.

● I think that is all for now......Eid mubarak once again xx

'Til next time iA! -zs xx

[exhaustedibstudent]

BOOKS yay.

Hurrah hurrah! I FINALLY have holidays. Also to be known as the time where I casually try to get my shit together. While listening extensively to Imagine Dragons’ new album (lol in stores now go buy it its UHmazing). I have a maths IA due tomorrow. Im only like halfway. I have a history exam in like 2 weeks. On all of Russia. Basically from Alex II to the death of Lenin. I am really proud of my notes though, might post some later. Plus, I’m thinking of creating a “notes blog”. Basically something where IB students can share notes on subjects and help everyone get a 7 yay. Because we all know not everybody has time and energy to create notes out of nowhere.

But, back to topic. BOOKS. I don’t know about you, but I have a lot of textbooks and notebooks everywhere. What really helped me for some reason, is to have everything together and neat and marked and you know, just organised. Instead of having about 10 different notebooks for each different subject, I now do it all in one! Goodbye, forgetting your notebook. Get a good thick one, with those handy-dandy pages you can cleanly rip out and put in folders or whatever.

anyway, got to go get that maths IA finished. hlsfkdjaggldkfh please kill me.

HAHAHAA love Inez

[haeroniel-doliet]

thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings: 

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march 

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours. 

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive  passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess. 

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already  adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant. 

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came  mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it.  and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if  you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold. 

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks. 

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad   badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves,  no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example. 

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel. 

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from  how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)  

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my  heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit. 

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth

[yoonasgf]

171013- saturday a rant dnt bother reading

i feel like i wanna talk to someone but then i think about it and what am i even expecting ? whenever i say smth i regret it immediately so just thinking abt expressing whats bothering me to others i just know ill regret adn feel guilty and embarrassed about it later so i never talk to anyone abt anything that goes on in my mind and it gets to the point where its so over bearing i feel like its drowning my head somehow , im so.. lonely wld be the word but lonely in my thoughts but like that doesnt even make sense idk im just writing here bc i need to let my feelings out somehow and i’d usually do it on twitter but like the 140 characters thing anyway i just feel like i want to let things out but whenevr i do i never like the answer i get, like if they give me advice i feel annoyed cus i wasnt asking for help i was simply stating how i felt (and most of the time its stuff that cant really be fixed?), if they tell me stuff like “i love you !” its like ok? ik its mean but someone elses love does not affect my situation at all since its an inner issue that doest rly have to do with self-esteem, and if they just are like ‘yeah’ or ‘thats so bad:(’ ijust feel like theyre not paying attention (even if they are) which makes me regret opening up, so i dont really know what im expecting when i vent to someone i guess i just want to feel like someone is listening to me idk im like so full of thoughts and feelings. writing this feels like its calming me down a little bit so i think im just gonna keep writing, in english (its funny how id rather open up in english since its my second language i feel more alienated from it so it feels less real? what im talking about seems less seriousdk) so whats circling in my mind is that i dont have anyone im urging to meet i dont have anyone i truly like anymore and that my ladies is so fucking sad and frustrating that ive mentally grown apart from my friends im just not myself when im with them and sure my fake-extroverted persona ive built throughout highschool is good at doing her job and she still gets along with them so well but now it feels like that side of me, the fake one, is another person like we used to share some “mental common ground” but not anymore i just dont have anything in common with that persona anymore so whenever im with my old friends i just become her it’s like i completely leave reality it makesme so lonely inside. and i cant help it its unvoluntary how i switch places with the other me i cant stop it and i hate it because i feel like its drowning me alive, along with my personal issues. lately ive been isolating myself a lot, i stay in the classroom during recess and i havent gone out in like a month.actually last time i went out i decided i just wont go out anymore i just think its not for me i truly dont have fun. is that okay like is that normal? like is just dont enjoy the loudness and the kind of jokes that go on, i think if grown too fast. i justdont wannatalk about drinking andsex and how evil the math teacher is, like its fine once ia while but iwanna discuss science and philosohy and share thoughs too,  anything else is so irrelevant it’s so sos irrrelevant to me. not that i dont enjoy good laughs anddrinking, but for that i feel like i wanna be with someone who is special to me? like someone whoi respect intellectually first, and then we can laugh at dog memes. someone i can show my realpersona to,and the thing is i have my best friends she’s literally so perfect bc she’s smart but also silly so we can talk abt hitler but then we can talk abt that one episode of sponge bob ? but the thing is shes graduating this year, and she has like an almost boyfriend, so i decided i should start getting used to her not beingwith me, but thats way more lonely than i thought. the guy thing, it wasnt planned, and shes with her crush most of the time which i totally understand i watn them to be together and stuff but i dont have anyone else but her- that is the real me not the fake persona, the fake persona hasmany people- but i though “she deserves this” so decided to step back so they can concentrate on each other. she ofc wouldve never asked this of me, but it seems like it was the best, sometimes i feel like a huge burden to her. but now imrealizing how lonely it has made me, being with her is like letting go of a breath that ive been holding and im realizing how much i need her. so i thought of like ‘slipping’ back in but im faced with the fact that we will infact part ways when she graduates because we’re attending universities in different parts of the country so maybe i should be getting used to the solitude, until someone else comes. and someone else seems to be here, this one friend i have in my new class, but im so scared of opning up to her, im scared of her kindness to me. i always think “why is she so nice? why does she stand up for me” at first she wasa bit too rough for me but as we spent time together i think she realized what kind of person i am and changed her ways so now were getting closer and closer and it makes me so 불안해 and 두려워 (idk how to express the sentiment in english) i dont even know what im scared of, it;s not like ive been hurt before in that way i think? maybe i have i cant remember. the point is, i know i should let this person in because she’d help me but i just cant seem to opne the freaking door its like my hand is shakinly holding teh doorknob without actually twisting it. i do think i will eventually tho. anyway. i was saying i spend alot of time alone these days, reading,studying, twitter, watching stuff, and its really nice i really do enjoy being by myself but i honestly dont have manyb things to do? so eventually the Thoughts come, and lately what ive been meditating is how the reason why i dont get close or attached to people (again the fake me might get closed but not me) is because simply no one is as good company to me as myself? which is fine wyou know many people feel like that, but i hate that if im alone poeple thinkg i dont have friends or that im sad and they think its bad that i am alone which is really not the case. i could be with ppl if i wanted to i just chose not to. theres this particular guy in my class actually, who thinks he has to be my friends bcim often alone and it irriates me so much bc 1. hes interrumpting my enjoyable me-time 2. he does it out of pity and boi do i hate pity like sometimes i just stay in the classroom doing homework or reading and he comes in likw “why are u always alone:(” because i want to you fucking dumbass andtoday or maybe it was yesterday particularly he said “why are you always alone is it becayse you dont have freinds bc you went on exchange and dont know anyone” llike um no im alone because i literally want to be alone you absolute dipshit and ido have 10 times more friends than you i just dont feel like being wit hthem you fucking asshole it pissed me off so much as if he’s ?? helping in anyway ?? i just wish anyone whosaw me alone wld tjust think ‘i guess she likes being alone’ isntead of thinking that im alone bc no one is willing to keep me company. isuddenly got really mad writting this. i think this really calmed me downishould do it more often its not like anyone who follows me here wld open it, like ideally this is whatdiaries are for but i dnt like to waste paper. im gonna write the date as well