#anyway i'm so excited to go to my mom's house for thanksgiving! (lying)

[briar--rising]

Long post about grief and mothers and probably other stuff, idk

Something that I've been trying to process lately is a certain almost loss of my mom. I mean, she's still around, she hasn't died, and I haven't and won't cut contact. But I don't need to cut external contact, because I've cut off our relationship internally, for the most part. And it's been devastating.

For all that our relationship was a toxic abusive enmeshed disaster, I still loved her desperately, and she was still my mom. But as I've been working on recovering I've needed to separate myself from her, become my own person with boundaries, and because of who she is I can't do that and still have a mother left. She can't act maternally towards me without subsuming me, and I can't let her do that anymore. So I can't have a mom. When we talk these days mostly she honestly feels like some random woman who is vaguely intellectually connected to the mom I had in the past. She doesn't feel like a mother at all anymore, not even in the bad ways really. There's just...nothing there. It's not safe for there to be anything there.

I used to hold out hope that sometime in the distant future we'd be able to have an honest conversation about my childhood and our relationship, that she'd be able to hear my perspective and recognize me as an individual and have a healthier relationship with me. And I finally realized that that dream is impossible. It will never happen. She refuses to go back to therapy, she has no desire for introspection, every time I try to raise something she gaslights me, she feels too unsafe to risk vulnerability. It's just not going to happen. You can't buy oranges at the hardware store. I need to be a person, and because of her issues she can't be a mother to a separate person. And I've finally accepted that.

And I am left with such tremendous grief. I read a sentence earlier about someone calling their mom when they were upset in the middle of the night and thought, "I can't do that. I haven't been able to do that in years, and I never will again. I can't trust her with the truth of myself, with my vulnerabilities, with my feelings. She feels like a distant cousin, someone I can make small talk with at family events, not someone who raised me, who knows me, who I can share myself with. She will never be able to learn about the person I am becoming, and I will change more and more from the version of me in her head, and she will not see it. When I feel small and lonely and sad and sick and want a mom to take care of me, there is no one I can call. That does not exist any longer. I don't know that it ever truly did, but I used to have a facsimile of it, and now and forever more I won't have even that."

It is devastating, to realize and start accepting that I don't have a mom, not truly. It is excruciating. I didn't realize, when I started to become my own person and separate from her, that I would lose her like this. I feel in some ways like I didn't know what I was getting into when I started making certain types of progress towards healing, like I didn't give informed consent. I think that's been the hardest part. I was blindsided by this loss, didn't even realize it was happening until it was basically irreversible. I'd like to think that if I had known I would have made the same decisions, that healing and becoming my own person is worth this grief. But I didn't know I was making that choice, certainly not on a conscious level. And now it's done, and I can never go back.

I've been talking about this in therapy, the fact that I can never fully return to the state of person-less-ness I spent my childhood in. Even if I let myself become completely subsumed in someone else again, I would have memories of once being my own person. It would be different than the complete lack of selfhood and subjectivity I had as a child. And of course that's a good thing, of course I don't want to be only an object never a subject. But I didn't know what I'd be giving up, by doing this. I feel betrayed by my own healing. It hurts. It really, really hurts.

[canonicallyobserving911]

Several Sentences Sunday

Fanonwriter2023 on AO3

Where CANON and FANON collide!

FANON Future Buddie Fanfic Series

First Child (Buck) & First Baby (Buck and Eddie)- Buck's first child and Buck and Eddie''s first babies

New Buddie Fanfic

Part 15 - Chapter 5 will be posted soon.

First Child (Buck) & First Baby (Buck and Eddie) - Currently 74.8K Words and 4 of 7 Chapters have been posted; Rated: Mature

Chapters will be posted one at a time.

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I'm excited to finish writing Chapter 5 because a lot happened in Chapter 4. After the Buckley-Diazes moved into their new home, Buck and Eddie found out their surrogate is pregnant and they had a housewarming party. They invited their found family from the 118 and they revealed the news to them during the event. They called their biological families and instead of inviting them, they decided it would be best for them to wait until Thanksgiving since the Buckley parents and the Diazes had already planned to be in Los Angeles.

One week before the holiday, Buck and Eddie went to their surrogate's first ultrasound and they learned they're having twins. They're ecstatic and even though the plan was to have the Diazes come to their new home for lunch the day after Thanksgiving, Eddie got sick after working a 48-hour shift. They shared the news with them but the question is how did Eddie's mom and Buck's parents react to the news about the twins? 👀

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Here's a snippet from Chapter 5 of an emotionally angsty conversation Buck and Eddie are having while they're lying in bed.

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Buck finally admits, “Babe, I’ve been worried about you for weeks because of all the things we’ve been doing but mainly because you’ve been going non-stop with your paramedic certification course, us getting moved into this house and all the other stuff too but you…”  He trails off and closes his eyes because he's trying to blink back the tears but he’s unsuccessful and they well in his eyes anyway.

Eddie’s attention is solely focused on his husband right now the same way he always is but he can tell whatever he's planning to say is serious and he chooses not to interrupt him.

When he opens his eyes again, he meets his husband’s honey brown ones and continues.  “I didn’t say anything because we’ve uh… both been running around but um, early yesterday morning, you scared me half to death.”

Eddie bites his bottom lip because he’s right and the only time he’s ever complained about it was back when he was struggling with his panic attacks which lead to a lot of other things and he knows for a fact that he scared Buck and Chris because Buck told him they were scared out of their minds.

Buck lowers his eyes and inhales then slowly exhales.  When he looks up again, the tears that have welled in his eyes start streaming down his cheeks.  “Eddie!  We’re supposed to be to—gether forever.  That was the promise we made to each other remember?”

His voice is just above a whisper when he replies, “I remember.  Forever and always.”

“Right that’s what we’ve always said.  I’m afraid you’re going to leave me and I—I can’t lose you.”

Eddie lifts both of his hands, cups his husband’s cheeks and emphatically admits, “Hey, my love, I’m not going anywhere.  I promise.  We vowed to spend the next 50, 60 or 70 years together and I intend to keep that promise.”

“So do I!  But babe, we—can’t keep going like this.  You have to slow down and rest.  We have a son who needs us and we have two babies on the way but ED—DIE!  I NEED YOU!”  He screams and the sound of his voice is so raw it brings tears to Eddie’s eyes too. “I—I CAN’T LIVE WITH—OUT YOU!  I—I DON’T WANT TO AND I WON’T!  I THOUGHT… I WAS GOING TO LOSE YOU… AGAIN AND I—I ALMOST LOST IT.  ED—DIE… I COULDN’T BREATHE… SO BABE PLEASE… WE HAVE TO…”  He’s full-on crying now and his hiccupping sobs are so deep that he’s hyperventilating.

What happened to Eddie that's caused Buck to be this upset? 🙃

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First Love Confession -Buck and Eddie share their first real and meaningful love confession.

First Date - Buck and Eddie go on their first date.

First Kiss - Buck and Eddie share their first kiss.

First Argument - Buck and Eddie have their first argument.

First Couples Therapy Session- Buck and Eddie go to their first couples therapy sessions.

First Time - Eddie and Buck make love for the first-time.

First Morning After - The night after Buck and Eddie make love for the first-time, they spend their first morning after together.

First Relationship Reveal - Buck and Eddie’s first relationship reveal.

First Mourning - Buck and Eddie experience their first mourning after a loss together.

First Marriage Proposal - Eddie and Buck’s first marriage proposal.

First Fiancé Introductions - Buck and Eddie’s first introductions as fiancés.

First Wedding Planning & Preparation - Buck and Eddie’s first planning and preparation for their wedding and honeymoon.

First Civil Marriage Ceremony - Buck and Eddie’s first civil marriage ceremony.

First Honeymoon - Buck and Eddie’s first honeymoon.

First Child (Buck) & First Baby (Buck and Eddie) - Eddie’s been a father for almost 14 years and Buck’s been a legal guardian to the same child for 4 years. However, after a court hearing, Buck will become a father to their first child and the title of legal guardian will be given to someone else. Also, one year and three months later, Buck and Eddie will welcome their first baby into the world.

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Their Firsts, At Last - 200K Words; Currently 14 completed works and 1 in progress: A multi-part fanfic series about the romantic “firsts” Buck and Eddie share as they journey through life in an established relationship and their lives as a couple will include some of Buck’s individual “firsts” too. It’s filled with the FANON love, romance, fluff and domesticity their relationship should have been allowed to experience in CANON. The second part of the series title was adapted from the song “At Last” by Etta James.

This series of FANON future speculation fanfics is being written on a continuous timeline that begins with the start of season 7 (if it were to start in September 2023). Each part ends at a specific point in Buck and Eddie’s relationship so the next part can begin with the ending of the previous part. Therefore, parts 1-6 should be read prior to reading part 7 and the series will continue in that manner until it’s complete.

Parts 1 - 15 are available on AO3

Part 15 has 7 chapters but they will be posted one at a time. Currently, Chapter 1 - 4 are available on AO3.

Chapter 5 will be posted soon.