#anyway i think that incident will live with me forever and my teacher shall Never Know

[coffeecupandteatime]

Obscure Review #6

It’s time to spork fics and ruin lives.

Ahhhhh, it’s that time of the year again, when the summer air is crisp, and we’re all stuck inside reading reviews on awful fanfics. ʕಠᴥಠʔ My mother always said I had no life.

I haven’t had a life since I found the internet.

Yes we know that Coffee.

None of us have had lives since the internet. Let’s just put that out there now.

You make a compelling point sir. ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ Now shall we begin the shitstorm?

Shit parade is a better description.

As usual, we will be offensive. Don’t take this personally.

Hey … I'm sorry I haven't updated in forever. I kind of helped my sister have a party at our house and it went really wild.

Suuuuuure you did pal. Ya sure you weren’t just thinking of quitting? Cos I’m sure many people would love that. ʕ° ͟ل͜ ͡°ʔ

My parents came home the next morning and we got grounded for having alcohol at the party. At the party, some stupid kids broke some of my mom's porcelain dolls and the vase that contained my grandmother's ashes was also broken. So not only did my sister get grounded for a year, but I, who wasn't even at the party got grounded as well.

OBJECTION! That’s a contradiction! You just stated “it went really wild”, implying you were there! *slams hands on desk* Isn’t that right?!

What the fuck? Who gets mad over porcelain dolls breaking? Those things are creepy as hell.  Also she HELPED her sister have the party so there’s that too.

Avid collectors get mad and not to mention her grandma’s ashes were spilled all over the floor.  

I’d be a little mad if someone busted the vase with grandma’s ashes.

I understand that part, just not the dolls.

And that's why I haven't updated. No laptop, TV, Ipod, phone, DS, and no Hot Cheetos or Starbucks!

You sound oh so very stereotypically white right now.

“OH NO! Things I can totally live without but depend on!”

Ouch. Right in the entitlements…

I’m sure none of those things wanted to be associated with you.

My mom also signed me up for ballet. So guess what I spent my time doing after school and during the summer.

Come on kid, ballet isn’t bad, it’s fun once you get past the clumsiness.

Anyway, now I have some of my freedom back. Before I quit ballet, I stuck the finger to the evil teacher and walked out of there like a boss! Yeah... no.

That would get you another month of grounding if you were my child.

Much worse would happen to her if that were my spawn.

I’m not having kids if they're always like this brat.

That would be extremely rude.

You say as if you cared.

I’m sure she does Coff.

Yeah, no she doesn’t.

And another reason I haven't updated was because Katherine's story takes place after the whole war with the giants and I didn't know if the camps were going to come together and change the name or something like that.

Oh, good. Then I take back my previous comment. She’s still a special-snowflake (bitch) daughter of Poseidon, but at least she’s not fucking up the prophecy. She’s just gonna fuck everything else up.

The daughter of Poseidemort who ran over a MINOTAUR and uses the knife game to punish her brother.

Special snowflakes galore.

MY MAMA SAYS I’M SPECIAL!

So when the book came out, I read it but I couldn't start writing a chapter. Well, here's the fourth chapter. Oh wait, remember how in the first chapter it say winter? Well I'm changing it to the summer

‘Scuse me? You’re just gonna… change the a fairly major element of the story with an author’s note? Instead of, y’know, editing???

And why not just keep it going and be lazy and call it an ‘AU’? Anyone can do that.

That would be too much effort, that’s why.

I sighed. It had been a week since we left the house. So many of those… things had come after us.

What things? You mean monsters?

What monsters? We never saw anything except the Minotaur which was run over and never heard from again.

Clearly we’re running from he must not be named.

Poseidemort

That old lady that had grown wings,

WHAT OLD LADY? Is there something happening off-screen we don’t know about??

All we ever got about the FURY was a SINGLE screech.

Just gonna dump her in here apparently.

the man/animal that had horns and was unbelievably strong,

Which was never shown, because they flattened it with a car.

Correction, attempted to flatten it with a car. It didn’t die and didn’t try to kill them although they sat on top of it for like 5 minutes.

What man/animal with horns? You know how many monsters fit that description? ʕಠ益ಠʔ

and that weird big hairless dog.

Please stop acting like we actually saw any of this.

I thought hellhounds had fur tho.

They do but she clearly doesn’t know her Greek monsters.

ʕಠ益ಠʔ That makes me angry.

It’s fine! Because we never saw this at all in context with the story.

My mom had names for them. That old lady with the wings was a fury, the man/animal thing with horns was a minotaur And the big dog thing is a hellhound.

A hellhound isn’t hairless you fop.  

This could have been put into the previous sentence but instead you continue to waste my time with your unneeded prose.

That’d be too easy.

My mom had always wanted us to get into the whole Greek and Roman myths about the gods. Never really sparked my interest. But my mom did make me take Latin. I hated it but I put up with it for her.

I’m sorry, WHAT?!? You’re a Greek demi-twit, you should be learning, guess what, GREEK!

Latin is not Greek.

Plot twist: MC isn’t a Demigod, she was adopted and Angel’s the true Demigod.

The only twist I would gladly accept.

So anyway, we have traveled from Beverly Hills to New York in a week in a would have been here earlier but we spent a whole day shopping for clothes.

“We’re being chased by monsters, but that’s okay! We can spend an entire day shopping without incident! Hooray, materialism!”

Lord forbid shopping gets compromised. ʕಠ益ಠʔ

Shoes, pants, a backpack for each of us, lady things, shirts, sweaters and jackets, underwear, tank tops, socks etc.

Yet you wasted time to compile a shortlist of the shit you bought. You could just say you bought the essentials.  

We’re off to a good start…

Lady things, yet you have underwear separately. ʕಠᴥಠʔ╭∩╮cool.

Um, do I have to explain what lady things are Jager?

Well if MC can try to get her brother and friend to basically fuck, ‘lady things’ shouldn’t be that bad. Just saying.

I’m surprised you don’t know already.

We stopped by hotels every morning to shower. That's why we took so long.

In the previous sentence you mentioned wasting an entire day shopping. I’m pretty confident that it contributed.

Tea, the author has no concept of time.

But now we're here. Sitting in a Starbucks. Sipping our frappuccinos as my mom babbles on and on about this camp.

I’m starting to sense a pattern with you....

Is urgency lost on you? Whatever is chasing you, I hope it smashes you into bloody paste leaving Angel alive to arrive at camp so we don’t have to deal with your drivel.

Apparently it is. ʕಠᴥಠʔ

Camp Half-Blood or something.

Good to know you’re paying attention to this crucial information concerning your safety and well-being.

I’m surprised she hasn’t tried getting Emily to hook up with the monsters to distract them.

She probably would if she thought it would let them live.

Gonna get that big ol’ Minotaur horn if ya know what I mean C;

I don’t.

Ahh, innocent Coffee. You’ll figure it out when you’re older.

This is about as old as I’m gonna get.

It's dark as we leave the cozy coffee shop. I instantly miss the smell of caffeine.

How the hell can you smell caffeine?

ʕ.ᴥ.ʔ Welp. The power of being a Sue lets you smell the impossible.

I don’t have enough caffeine in my system to deal with this shit.

That’s like saying I can smell yeast before it ferments.

As we make our way to the car, I notice a huge black cloud in the sky. I can see light flash inside it. Lightning.

Thanks Captain Obvious!

You act like you’ve never seen a storm before. Oh and we are once again copying Percy’s how-I-got-here story.

She probably hasn’t since her life was so ‘perfect’ before.

I open my mouth to-

Spout more idiotic bullshit? Bitch about Angel?

tell them about the cloud when Emily looks up at me. I know she noticed it. She's probably gonna end up clutching my side halfway through our ride to this camp. She's always been afraid of lightning.

Oh no. So scary. Much terrified.

Show that she’s afraid of it, don’t state it to the audience.

All Knowing Sue strikes again.

She feels that it will kill her.

SMITE HER ZEUS!

DAMMIT COFFEE! NOTHING WILL SAVE US! NOT EVEN THE PAN!

And she doesn't like airplanes or anything that involves lightning or being above the ground. She's never been on a swing since she doesn't like her feet not touching the ground or something that is touching the ground.

Show not tell, show not tell, shOW NOT TELL.

You’re gonna flip shit when you read who her mom is. Anyway, it’s apparently supposed to “contribute” to her fear of Zeus.

If it’s not Aphrodite I’ll be very disappointed.

Her only exception is the ocean since that's where we feel at home

I get why a child of Poseidon feels safe, but why Emily? We don’t know her. Nor do we care anymore.

I have a bad feeling about her god-parent…

Don’t got many choices.

I’m going to bet that her mother is a goddess who can’t/won’t have mortal children.

, so she feels safe with us. We get in the car and my mom starts driving. I hear thunder and I feel someone clutching my arm really hard.

So much so that she renders flesh from bone.

Coffee. What did I say.

I WILL DO ANYTHING TO SEE HER DIE.

IT WON’T SAVE US! THEN EMILY WILL TAKE OVER!

I MUST TRY! NO MATTER HOW FUTILE!

" Emily, that hurts." I say annoyed.

“Ow, pain. I fractured my ability to emote.”

Please kill her.

She could emote in the first place?

" Sorry." She loosens her grip. My arm can breath again.

I wasn’t aware your arm had breathing capabilities.

Does it have nostrils that we don’t see?

The arm has the most character development in this story.

" Emily, sweetie, nothing is going to happen to you. Besides, your mom will protect you.

“Ah, yes. My mother that I know nothing about and who has practically abandoned me. That’s comforting.”

“Bah you’ll get used to it.”

She would never let anything happen to you. Just like Angel and Kat's father would never let anything happen to I'm here."

If Poseidon never let anything happen to his demi-spawn this entire story would not exist.

Exactly. Thank you Coffee.

Emily just nodded when my looked at her through the rear mirror. Anyone could see that Emily didn't believe her and she was still afraid.

I can’t see anything with your lousy writing.

So much for those classes am I right guys?

" How about some music? That always soothes you." Angel put on the radio.

Why are we suddenly being formal in speech?

You know what would soothe me?

These fuckers dying?

In a fiery car crash.

Noooooooooo, why a fucking song. Why do you have to write out the song!

Cause raisins.

" If I die young, bury me in satin

I’ll bury you all right, but it will sure as hell not be in satin.

Maybe in an inferno.

That might work. Though someone might dig her up.

Lay me down on a bed of roses

If you don’t mind the napalm under it.

A good old fashioned bonfire.

That’d be to easy. Slowly lower her onto a bed of rusty nails.

Sink me in a river at dawn

Hon, even if you didn’t die I’d still drown you in a river.

She can breathe in water though.

FUCK.

AHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA! Can she breath in acid?

Send me away with the words of a love song

With the lyrics describing your imminent demise.

Nobody loves you.

Not even the knives.

Uh oh, uh oh

That’s how I feel about this entire fic.

That’s me everyday of my life.

Lord make me a rainbow,

Lord, please don’t.

I second that.

I'll shine down on my mother

With a death ray.

DEATH FROM ABOVE!

Preparing weapon: 80%.

She'll know I'm safe

Now that you’re no longer a nuisance.

Now a thorn in God’s side.

Poor God.

with you when she stands under my colors,

I bet your colors are about the same as your emotional spectrum.

A dull gray, slightly darker dull grey and and an even darker dull grey.

Don‘t insult grey.

Oh yeah. And purple.

You leave purple out of this.

oh,

“I finally realized this whole story was a mistake.”

Nah, I doubt Author ever thought that.

And life ain't always what you think it ought to be,

Like this story.

Clearly. I thought this was supposed to be a story.

I thought I was sober.

No

Is what I said when I was told we were going to continue reading.

Yeah, I’m never sober.

Ain't even grey,

Oh, look! Your emotional spectrum!

Huzaaaaaah!

but she buries her baby

Finally putting that whiny brat in the ground!

Yaaaaaay!

The sharp knife of a short life,

*hides knife* I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Quick protect Angel!

oh well

That’s what the author said before publishing this trash parade.

That’s what I said while looking at the last bottle.

I've had just enou-"

I’ve had enough of this shit too.

-Promptly swings door open and leaves-

Fuck this shit, I’m out!

Mom turned it off.

SWEET FREEDOM!

“Now that we’re done with those ominous implications…”

" Maybe we should do something else instead of listen to the radio. How about I tell you kids more about Camp Halfblood?"

“Obviously, no one was listening to me about it before.”

“Listen here you little shits! You’re going to camp!”

I feel like the author is now trying really hard to make mom explain things.

" Your father always wanted you to go to this camp since you were babies. He kept visiting me, telling me how it wasn't safe for you anywhere but the camp. I told him off, saying that nothing bad would ever happen to you as long as I was alive.

“Of course, I, a mortal woman, would know more about this sort of thing than a Greek god.”

Totally not Percy’s story.

Percy’s mother was worried and knew she would only be able to protect him so much and Sally knew her limits. She’s making her sound like “I can protect my kids by myself. I won’t get killed with a simple flick of the wrist.”. That’s fucking foolish.

And your father, Emily, he promised your mother he would guard you with his life.

“I can’t imagine why he would do that. It’s not like Greek gods avoid their children.”

“Mom, was dad just a one nighter?”

Her mom just left a note though, how the hell would he promise that? The gods don’t normally tell the mortal partner that they’re a god.

I don't think he ever told you this but one night, when you were about 10, he found your mother standing over your bed, crying quietly. He told me that she told him that all she could think about was you.

And he told you this, but not his daughter..? I see where Katherine’s omniscience comes from.

Damn genetics. Fuckers.

You guys may think that the parent that left you didn't care, but they did.

Except they don’t, because they are gods.

They don’t care cos they can literally have kids with damn near anyone.

Correction, they care for their kids but they normally have VERY limited contact with them. They make a point to stay out of their lives, to not interfere, it would piss off the Fates.

It hurt us as much as it did them. And by 'us' I mean Emily's dad and me."

That’s unusually specific.

Me thinks Moma and Emily’s dad had a fling.

" Mom, who is our dad and Emily's mom?"

My mom smiled softly. It was a sad smile. " Well, that's something you'll have to find out at camp, isn't it?" No one said anything.

“It’s more fun that way. Nothing bad ever comes from withholding this kind of information.”

“Not like this information is important to the plot.”

Get on with the plot please. This suspense shit is getting old fast.

5 minutes later

You don’t need a fucking transition for five fucking minutes!

Calm down Coffee.

PISS OFF

NAH!

DON’T MAKE ME GET THE PAN

" Are we there yet?"

“No, the end of the chapter is about another two pages of nothing happening.”

Guess I can get another case of rum. I have the time.

" Almost. Patience Angel."

Oh, so that’s who’s talking. For a second, I thought it was another hallucination. Wait a minute, who’s talking now? A ghost? It’s a ghost, isn’t it?

I think you need to lay off the shrooms.

" So how long are we going to stay at this camp?"

OH SHIT, A FLOATING HEAD GHOST!

Fuck, what’s the name of that Naruto story we did? Dammit, TEA! HELP!

When Wind meets earth, I believe and yes, that is how the author wrote it.

" For the rest of Winter break."

Didn’t you change it to summer in your author’s note?

.-. I’m greatly confused and annoyed at the same time, what do you call that?

Confoyed? I dunno.

Angel groaned. I groaned. Emily squealed.

And I unloaded a shotgun into everyone mentioned.

-Takes the shotgun back- Hey, this is for emergencies only.

*takes shotgun* With how fast this is going downhill, this counts.

-Takes it back- I’M the one who brought this thing, stop wasting ammo on this shit show, wait for My Inner Life.

This joke is overkill.

" We're gonna have so much fun! We'll meet new people. And there might be some cut boys." She winked at me. " And cute girls for you Angel,"

“And we’re probably going to die!”

I long for the sweet release of death. I refuse to go to AA.

Turns out Angel and Emily just weren't meant to be. She said that she felt no spark when they had a make-out session in her room on the boat. And he said that it felt weird kissing her. Like he was kissing his mom.

That is just gross.

And thus, that entire chapter was a big waste of everyone’s time, because the author decided on a whim to abort that story arc.

What the fuck…? Oooooooh wait till I do my thoughts at the end, ooooh you just wait.

So they've decided to just stay friends. But hey, I'm not complaining.

I am! That chapter never needed to happen if it was going to end like that.

Goddamitgoddamitgoddamit. GODDAMIT!

" Oh. And you'll love your cabins. Maybe Artemis and her hunters will be there. But don't join them. Just 5 more miles."

Why is she talking like she’s been there before? She’s mortal, mortals can’t enter the camp.

Omniscient protagonist powers go!

Rather Katherine joined them or not, she’ll never lose her V-card :^)

My mom kept smiling and shed a few more tears.

“So close to freedom from this awful story!”

“So close to losing these little shits!”

When we were about 3 miles away my mom suddenly stopped the car. " No. That's impossible. We should have had more time." She whispered this to herself. She was looking through the rearview mirror.

This wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t spent an entire day shopping!

YOU HAVE NO CONCEPT OF TIME DAMMIT!

We are definitely copying Percy’s story but trying to make it seem original.

" Get out! Everybody get out!" Her voice was panicked. We got out as quickly as we could.

Which was at a snail’s pace, like everything else in this goddamn story.

Yet now we decide we want to live. Why can’t you just die Sue???

Except the second chapter, that happened quicker and I’m glad.

She started rummaging through the trunk. She handed us the luggages filled with our belongings. Then she pulled out a long thin sword. " Now, we're going to run.

Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to run with swords?!

Wanna know what else is long and thin?

The spear of which I’ll impale you with if you continue that joke.

-Leans in closer- ʕ°ᴥ°ʔ My dick.

SCROTAL PUNCH!

TEA GIVE ME THE SHOTGUN!

You had fair warning, there is nothing I can do to help you.

To the top of the hill. The monsters have caught up with us.

I still don’t see any monsters.

It would be nice if you put effort into the scene. For now we see floating blobs.

I see a heaping pile of shit called “How it all began”.

We have a few minutes before they reach us.

Why doesn’t the All-Seeing protagonist see them then?

Cause raisins.

Cos I scooped her eyes out with a grapefruit spoon.

Give me your hands." We all held out a hand.

She proceeded to chop off their hands with the sword.

“My tummy was making the rumblies...that only hands could satisfy.”

“Caaaaaaaaaaaaarl!”

" Give me your pocket knife Angel."

“So I may kill you quicker.”

Quick, castrate him so we don’t more Stus and Sues.

" I don't know what you're talking about." She glared at him. He handed it to her. She grabbed his hand and cut the palm.

Which she really could have done with the sword…

Me too buddy, me too. -Pats Coffee’s back.-

He pulled back his hand but it was too late. The damage was already done.

She rolled a nat 20 and hit him with critical damage. He lost his last 2 HP and had to go recover in the local tavern.

He rolled a nat 1 dexterity roll, he slipped, fell and broke his neck on the way to the tavern.

Jagerbomb rolled a nat 20 and won the last case of rum.

She grabbed a white towel from the hand and pressed his wound to it. The blood stained part of it red.

No shit, it’s a WHITE towel. Blood is red, thus it stains towel.

What are you talking about? Blood is pink. It’s always been that color.

No, blood is blue.

" I'm sorry. THis will throw them off our trail for a bit."

I like to think she was a bit enthusiastic for a second, but then realized the story she was in.

-Takes a sip from a beer can- Eyup.

She did the same to us. It stang but no as much as I thought as it would.

The word is stung, not stang. A stang is a Mustang,  which you can’t drive.

Or ride. Cos Mustangs are too damn majestic for you.

Or as in Roy Mustang, but that’s not a good idea unless you like the idea of female officers in tiny miniskirts…

ʕ◕ᴥ◕ʔ Females? Miniskirts? Where do I sign up?

Down boy.

She threw the blood stained towel in the back car seat. Then we ran.

From what? I still don’t see the threat!

Their running from their emotions, Coffee.

What emotions?

The ones they left behind years ago.

We jumped over fallen trees and prickly bushes ripped our clothes as we brushed past them while running away from the monsters.

You keep saying that, but I still don’t see anything nor is there a threat. Maybe if I believe in it enough the monsters will appear and eat them.

Coffee. We’re not going to be saved, stop it. -Flicks nose-

We heard a roar back where the car was. That made us run faster. We finally believed my mother.

Took you long enough!

Let’s play the guessing game on what monster it is! GODZILLA!

The gods are real. We're demigods. And monsters are after us so they can spill our blood.

She didn’t explain this shit at all to you. Also you’re being overly formal again.

Well, you’ve been doing a bang up job avoiding them so far.

So why fucking worry!?

Then we found it. The entry to this camp.

These sentences. Are. Insanely choppy.

It hurts. My. Brain.

At first I couldn't read what it said, then my dyslexia reformed the words.

This is the first time we’ve seen of you ever having dyslexia.

She’s stating things again, would it kill you to either put it in earlier or better yet show this stuff happening.

She can magically give herself different disabilities.

Camp Half-Blood. We passed under the sign and a barrier appeared as we did. It didn't stop us from going in. It was as if showing that not just anyone could enter.

Wow, so exactly what a barrier does!

If your mother already explained everything to you then you should already know what the barrier does.

:O Holy shit! Something that actually does it’s job!

My mom looked at us longingly. I gestured for her to come with us. She shook her head sadly. I understood.

“Even though I’ve never been here before and I know nothing about the camp.”

All Knowing Sue strikes back!

The barrier sensed her and reminded her that she couldn't enter.

Reminded her? I think you mean stopped her completely.

“Oh sorry ma’am but you can’t come in here.”

" Ms. Adams. Come on."

ARGHH! FLOATING HEAD GHOST!

KILL IT WITH FIR-SHIT IT’S A GHOST!

" Yeah Mom." " She can't. The barrier won't let her. She's human."

I think the author gave up on writing.

I mean, technically, Demigods are human too since they're not, ya know… Gods.

They’re part god, that’s what allows them to get through.

" Kat's right. This is where you guys go ahead without me." A roar startled us. It was close by.

This looks suspiciously familiar.

Yep, we’re definitely copying Percy’s story.

Plus 1 for originality, Suethor.

" I have to go. If I stay any longer, they'll catch me." She blew us a kiss before disappearing into the trees. We watched as the monsters finally reached us and started banging on the barrier.

There they are! A little late on the chase scene there.

Give them a break, they’re Union monsters.

They couldn't get in either. I smirked and stuck out my tongue.

I’d like to see you do that outside the barrier.

“Let me stick my tongue out and be a brat while I watch my mom is probably being chased by monsters.”

We taunted them for a while longer. We had to make sure Mom had enough time to get away.

You’re copying Percy’s story and trying to be original, so if anything mom is probably going to die.

I doubt the monsters give a damn about kids taunting them. Your mother is probably already dead if they are tolerating you.

I mean, that forest is probably crawling with monsters, and not just Greek ones too, probably a damn Wendigo out there too. -Shivers-

When they finally realized they weren't going to get in anytime soon, they angrily left.

*stomps feet* “It’s not fair!”

“I wanted to tear the blondie’s spine out!”

We turned around and walked into this camp. I smiled at the feeling I felt as I walked, looking for an adult in this quiet place. It felt peaceful. Safe. Like home.

“We’ve only been here for twenty seconds.”

“Katherine, wake up, it was all a dream, you’ve been in a coma for two years.” -sighs- I wish...

PLOT TWIST!

CONCLUSION

Well, what can I say? After four chapters of the same shit different day, this isn’t surprising. How is one supposed to rate a chapter where nothing happens?

I can guarantee that it gets so much worse. You’ll have a lot to scream about later.

Well, I sure as fuck can say something! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HAVE US SIT THROUGH TWO CHAPTERS (1 and 2) ABOUT HOW MUCH ANGEL AND EMILY LOVE EACH OTHER ONLY FOR ANGEL AND EMILY TO STAY FRIENDS!? LIKE SERIOUSLY! CHAPTER TWO WAS LITERALLY JUST KATHARINE TRYING TO GET EMILY TO FUCK HER BROTHER! AND WHAT DO WE GET FOR SITTING THROUGH THAT HELL? NOTHING! JUST THE ‘Let’s be friends’ BULLSHIT! And I have to agree with Coffee, all these chapters are the fucking same! Just unnecessary FILLER! Still no emotions, descriptions, and Katherine is the WORST character in this shit show. Fuck you anD YOUR GOAT!

I heard that yelling your name followed by “I’m fine” actually helps most cases of stress.

I have a bottle of jack and a shotgun. I’m fine. -Casual muscle spasm.-

I was thinking something more like, “I’M COFFEE AND I’M FINE!”

I AM FINE DAMMIT!

There you go~!

-Rapidly pumps shotgun to stay calm-

-Coffee, Tea, and Jagerbomb