#anyway i love patrick jane with my whole heart i can't stop thinking about it

[bromfieldhall]

What Makes You Beautiful - A Mentalist Fanfiction

TIMELINE: Set some in the future after series four finale. Minor spoilers.

SYNOPSIS: “Yesterday I made a New Year’s resolution. I’m going to give myself one whole year to woo and win the love of California Bureau of Investigation’s Senior Agent Teresa Lisbon.”

PAIRING: Patrick Jane/Teresa Lisbon

Previous Chapters: 1, 2

CHAPTER 3

"Don't need make-up, to cover up, Being the way that you are is enough"

~ What Makes You Beautiful ~ 1D

March 6th – 06.42am

Lisbon is hurt.

It has nothing to do with work. No suspect bested her in a fight. No criminal got off a lucky shot.

No…she was involved in a car crash when she left CBI last night.

She was merely driving home. No worries. No cases.

Just unlucky enough to be in the wrong place at the wrong time when a car load of drunken kids lost control of their vehicle.

Something that could happen at any time on any day and be just as easily the cause of losing someone you love as pissing off a serial killer with an axe to grind.

She had been late leaving after finishing up the last of her paperwork and I had only said goodbye to her forty minutes prior to receiving the call from the hospital. They said that I was listed down as her contact.

I never knew she'd done that and I really wish that the occasion hadn't arisen for me to find out.

I shouldn't be surprised really, but in truth I'd forgotten how quickly life can kick you where it hurts when you're least expecting it. I guess this is penance for not always remembering.

The woman on the other end of the phone didn't give me any details, just that Lisbon was alive and 'doing as well as can be expected,' whatever the hell that means. I know she was just doing her job and that if SacPD were calling I'd have been dealing with a completely different set of circumstances and emotions, but still…

I never want to go through anything close to those next thirty minutes of my life ever again. The complete agony of not knowing how badly she was hurt had me imagining all kinds of injuries and traumas that Lisbon could have sustained. That's one of the problems working within law enforcement. You get to see too much.

The relief was almost overwhelming when I finally got to see her and found she was relatively unscathed. Apart from being white as a sheet and having a slight bruise to her left cheek and a sprain to her left wrist, she looked good. To me anyway.

The police were there and she gave them a statement. She said she'd seen the other vehicle driving erratically towards her and had managed to swerve out of the way just in time to only receive a glancing hit to the side of her car. It had been enough of a knock to have her sustain her injuries but I knew it could have been much worse and so did she…I could see it in her eyes.

I must confess I didn't say much after that. I couldn't seem to force any words out as I tortured myself by playing out various little scenarios in my head that had altogether vastly different outcomes to the one I was bearing witness to. I just stood to the side and watched as she was treated by nurses and doctors, not able to meet the concerned glances that I knew she kept throwing my way. I don't think she's ever known me to be so quiet.

They finally declared her fit enough to leave at some ridiculous time early this morning and I offered to take her home. I think she agreed purely because she was just grateful that I'd finally spoken. She dozed on the way to her apartment building and when we arrived I gently nudged her awake. I walked her to her door, despite her protests, and made sure she went in safely.

I stood just staring at her closed door for what seemed like an eternity then finally went back to my car. It wasn't until I tried to put the key in the door lock that I realised I was shaking. Badly. I stopped and tried again but it was only on my third attempt that I finally opened my car. I can't even begin to count the amount of times I tried to place the key in the ignition but I eventually managed it and drove back here.

Back to CBI where I'm still sitting on my couch as I have been for the past few hours going over and over everything in my head.

This whole situation has scared the hell out of me and I can feel my new year's resolution shaking on its foundations and about to come tumbling down around my ears.

It's not that I don't love Lisbon…I do. Very much. Maybe even too much. It's just that it's really hit me that if I were to lose her one day, I seriously doubt that I'd ever be able to drag myself out of the deep pit of despair I know I'd sink into.

There have been numerous times in the past that her life has been in danger and yet I've never felt the possibility of her loss more than right at this moment. I'm know being I'm completely irrational…as if facing the threat of danger at work every day is somehow not as terrifying as a random accident that I can do nothing to prevent.

But I can't help it.

It's frustrating and even now, I feel that I'm mentally distancing myself from her; that I have been ever since I realised just how close she was to a head on collision that would most certainly have ended her life…and I can't seem to do anything to stop it no matter how much I want to because something is holding me back.

Something called cowardice.

And I know very well why I'm being so gutless. It's because I've already lost two people I love dearly and I can't…I won't lose another. I need to push her away in order to keep my sanity so that if that unthinkable day ever does come when I can't save her…it won't break me.

Not completely at least.

I suddenly notice the time and stand up. I can't be here when she arrives. I walk swiftly through the bullpen but just as I reach the other side, I hear the elevator ding and out she steps.

My love.

I stop where I am and watch her walk towards me. As she nears I can see that the bruising on her cheek has darkened considerably. It makes me feel sick to think of what could've happened.

"I didn't expect you to be here," she says quietly as she halts a few feet away from me. It's almost as though she knows I'll bolt if she gets any closer.

"I could say the same to you," I hedge, trying to supply a smile but failing miserably.

"I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me that a little time and make up won't fix," she says with a small smile. "What about you? Did you even get any sleep after you dropped me off?"

I look down and hear her sigh. There's a moment's pause and then she says something that surprises me, even though it really shouldn't.

"Look, I know you were scared last night, Jane, I was too. But I'm here and I'm OK and right now I'm far more worried that you've spent all night thinking yourself round in circles and are going to start pulling away from me again. I didn't like it the last time and I won't put up with it now," she tells me in no uncertain terms. "We've gone past that, haven't we? I thought we were friends again."

"We are," I'm quick to assure her. Whatever else, I always want her to know that.

"So I didn't just catch you trying to leave before I turned up then?" she questions wryly.

My dear, lovely, Teresa. So astute. I forget that she knows me better than I know myself at times. She probably sensed my withdrawal from her before I realised I was doing it myself. That would explain her being here earlier than I'd expected. Always there to steady me when I falter.

I see a sad kind of understanding in her eyes that makes me feel ashamed for even contemplating the idea of running away and I shake my head. "I was just about to make myself a cup of tea," I lie. "Why don't you go to your office and I'll get you a coffee too?"

She nods but I can see her hesitation. She's not sure if she can believe me and despite the fact that not five minutes ago she would have been right in her assumption, it still hurts.

"I won't be long, I promise," I say as I 'shoo' her away.

She goes this time and I head to the break room. I think over what she said as I prepare our drinks and it hits me how she's once again, selflessly, come to the rescue of our friendship. How, after everything that she went through last night, all she cares about is me.

It's a humbling thought and the more I think about my behaviour, the more I grow disgusted with myself for even entertaining the idea of pulling away from her again. Because, really, how can I expect Teresa to give me her heart if I'm not prepared to give her all of mine in return?

I can't keep a part of it back just in case something happens, that's simply not fair to either of us. And to be honest, I no longer want to hold anything back. I know with Teresa my heart will be safe. I just have to convince her that I can keep hers safe too.

I straighten slightly and smile. I like my new resolve. I find it stiffens my spine and gives me courage.

I finish making the drinks and carry them over to her office. The door is open so I walk straight in and place the cups down on her desk before perching myself on the corner next to her. She gives me a grateful smile, although it's debateable whether it's for the coffee or the fact that I came back, then turns her attention back to a small mirror that she's holding.

I see her looking at her bruised cheek critically and notice a make-up brush in her hand poised to deliver, what I assume is, some kind of covering powder.

"It doesn't look that bad," I offer by way of some comfort.

"It doesn't look that good," she retorts with a grimace.

"I'm just glad you're OK. When I got that call last night…" I break off unable to find the words to adequately convey my feelings.

"Jane…" she begins with a softness in her voice that I just don't deserve.

"You were right just now," I cut in. "I was going to run away, to distance myself, all those things I usually do."

She looks surprised at my candour. "So why didn't you?" she asks, a much cooler edge to her tone now.

Confronted with having to be completely honest, I find my compulsion to protect myself come back to the fore and instead of telling her the truth, I blurt out glibly, "I'm still waiting for that dinner I won at the auction."

I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth and from the flicker of disappointment that crosses Lisbon's face as she looks away, I know that she isn't too impressed either.

I give myself a mental kick upside the head and wonder where my backbone suddenly disappeared to. I'm pretty certain it was there a minute ago.

Whole heart, remember? No holding back. I am determined to be brave.

"To be perfectly honest, Lisbon," I say, drawing her attention once more. "I stayed because…I don't want to be that man anymore."

I refuse to allow any of my masks to fall. I want her to know that I'm telling her the absolute truth. She blinks those big green eyes of hers and a slow grin appears on her beautiful face. The movement, however, seems to give her a painful reminder of her injury and she winces slightly as she turns back to the mirror.

She raises the brush and just as she's about to apply the first dusting, I impulsively reach out and snatch it from her grasp then throw the offending object in the bin.

"What do you think you're doing?" she asks, an adorable frown gracing her features.

"You don't need that, Teresa," I tell her. I reach out again and gently trail my forefinger down the side of her injured cheek then continue on round until it rests snugly under her chin. "You look beautiful…as always."

I see her eyes widen and her cheeks grow very red and I know I should just leave it now. That even though she hasn't vocally protested, I shouldn't push my luck…or her, but I've never been one to do the sensible thing so, instead of letting go, I tilt her head up slightly and lean forward.

Her eyes flicker shut just as I brush my lips tenderly against the top of her smooth, soft cheek. I only intend to kiss her once but as soon as I break contact the scent of her fresh, clean skin calls me back and I find myself leaning in again. Unable to help myself, I repeat my actions over and over as I carefully kiss my way down the entire bruised area making sure I only give the barest of touches so that I don't accidentally hurt her.

Once I reach her jaw, I finally force myself to pull back. I can feel my face must be just as flushed as hers is and it's only now that I panic slightly and wonder how my bold move will be received. Maybe she won't be the only one sporting a bruised face today.

Her eyes slowly flutter open and I am at a loss to know what she is thinking.

"Is that supposed to make it all better?" she asks. She does a good job of hiding the slight tremor in her voice but I hear it anyway and mentally applaud her attempt at composure. It's far better than I would have done if she'd ambushed me this way.

I should just take her words as face value but I have a strong feeling she means more than just her cheek and I don't want to disappoint her with my answer this time.

"No, but I think…I hope that it's a start," I say softly.

"It is," she assures me with a small smile.

I have yet to remove my hand from her chin and as we continue to simply look at each other I'm sorely tempted to lean back in and kiss her properly this time.

The sudden sound of the elevator announcing its arrival at our floor is an unwelcome intrusion and, with an apologetic smile, I reluctantly let her go as I hear the voices of the rest of the team punctuate the air.

I stand and pick up my cup and saucer then take a couple of steps back so there's a respectable distance between us while she feigns interest in her computer just as Cho pops his head through the open doorway.

"Morning, Boss," he greets then pauses when he sees her face and comes in the office to ask, "What happened to you?"

I stand quietly by as she explains about the accident and although I still feel that familiar flash of fear of what might have transpired if her reactions had been a fraction slower, I'm relieved to find it's no longer accompanied by the urge to distance myself.

Well, not an uncontrollable urge anyway. It's still there, I can feel it. I just have a much stronger desire to ignore it now.

I sip my tea and it comes as something of a revelation to me to realise that I probably need this year as much to come to terms with some of my own demons as I do to fulfil my resolution.

It's a sobering thought and not something I'd anticipated if I'm honest.

"You OK?" she suddenly asks me with a trace of concern.

I realise that while I've been contemplating my life, Cho has left and we are alone again. "Never better," I assure her with a smile. "You?"

She smiles back. "I'm good." She pauses and from her hesitation and sudden colour in her cheeks, I think I can guess what's coming. "About what happened…"

"Yes?" I encourage her with a smile when she pauses.

Unlike the time I said I loved her, I'm quite happy to talk about this now, if she can find the nerve to ask me about it. The trick with Lisbon is to offer her breadcrumbs and if she chooses to follow it's all well and good, if she doesn't…I know to back off and bide my time.

She stares at me for what feels like ages and just when I think she's going to broach the subject of our…interlude, Cho walks into the office again.

"Am I interrupting something?" he asks, as he looks between the two of us with a quirked eyebrow.

"No, of course not," Lisbon replies, professional as ever. "What is it?"

He tells us of a new case that has just come in and I go to the break room to rinse out my cup in readiness to leave. As I turn to head back out, Lisbon appears in the doorway and, after a cursory glance behind her, she steps into the room.

"So…when we close this case, how about we have that dinner you paid so much for?" she asks. Her attempt at nonchalance is spoiled only by the fact that she then bites nervously on her bottom lip.

"Sure," I reply with a grin. "It's a date."

She reddens slightly at my words but, notably, doesn't contradict me. Instead, she gives me a little smile and walks away.

My psychic abilities may be completely fake but after receiving such a tempting incentive, there's one prediction I know for certain will come true today…I'm going to have this case closed in record time.

END CHAPTER 3