#anyway i bought two queer poetry books and I've already looked for more

[reachthezeneth]

tldr : emo gay post

I came on Tumblr in 2011/2012. Maybe earlier who knows. Growing up strictly religious, this was my first place I could see queer content, where people didn't assume I was straight, (where I first fell in love with a girl), where I would see recs and posts that weren't straight ™.

I remember seeing this poem in an edit, and I remember seeing the author's name and thinking it's a man writing about a man. After googling and confirming the author was gay, I tried to consume any and all poems by him. I was heavily closeted still, no one knew I was bi.

I was in awe of this man. Who publicly wrote about this intimate love and didn't change pronouns, and was so open. I remember thinking, that could never be me. I was so scared to even look for his poems, I would have to google this on incognito tabs, log off and lock all my social media, never write or acknowledge I wasn't straight on any journal, all in fear anyone would find out.

I remember thinking it would be nice to own his book. It would never happen because I couldn't ask anyone to buy it, I couldn't even buy it without anyone finding out. It was just never going to happen just like I would never come out to anyone. It took years (too long tbh), leaving a cult, and a heartbreak to tell my close circle. Little by little, I started telling more people. Not in a big deal, just in mentioning it here or there. Now most of the people in my life know (and I'm emo now that I've just realized), and maybe I won't ever come out to my parents but that's for other personal reasons, but I'm out. When I never ever thought I would be. Never seemed like a possibility. Just like owning Crush never seemed like one.

Last weekend I remembered this poem and I bought the book, just like that. Holding it now in my hand feels so simple, like it's not a big deal at all. It feels surreal though because ten years ago, I was so sure it would never be possible. I was so sure I would never get to be this happy, this at peace with myself, this open and vulnerable with people. Like this feeling was for other people, I would never get to feel this free. I'm glad I was wrong.