#anyway I voted 'because it feels gross' over 'learned habit' because I learn no habits

[purplesurveys]

1879

1. Do you enjoy rhododendrons? Why did I think this was a shape? Anyway, I just looked this up and they're very pretty for sure! They *kind of* remind me of peonies, which are my favorite.

2. Have you ever met someone who supports Nazism? I haven't met anyone irl but I've come across brainrotted people on Facebook who've tried to pull off stupid Nazi shit. Filipinos are great at making stuff go viral though lmao so afaik those people have since been suspended.

3. If you’ve ever been to another country, what was the best thing you did there? The obvious answer is going to Thailand to see BTS' Suga in concert. Apart from that, the best thing I've ever done was have local sushi in Japan. I didn't even go to a fancy fine dining restaurant – it was this random diner-like spot we found at a nondescript block at 4 PM. And yet it was the best sushi platter I've ever had.

4. Which is your favorite print: Plaid, animal, stripes, spots, other? I like the look of stripes the most, but overall I'd still avoid print.

5. Have you ever owned a cell phone for over a year? If so, was it still working well? I've never owned a cellphone for less than a year...so, yes. Mine is still working well, but the battery is well under its capacity since I've always had a bad habit of letting it play videos all night long.

6. What’s the worst sickness you’ve ever had? Food poisoning has always been terrible to me. My stint with Covid was also pretty rough. Managed to avoid it for three years, then once it caught up to me it certainly did a great job transforming me into a corpse for a week.

7. What do you enjoy more: Fairs or circuses? Fairs.

8. Is your favorite animal something you can have as a pet? Dogs yes, elephants nope.

9. Are you good at gardening? No, never tried it.

10. What was the last classic novel you read? Did you enjoy it? I started Around the World in Eighty Days but never got around to finishing it. It was nice; I just never had the time to read the whole thing.

11. Do you think you would actually read any of the epic poems, such as Beowulf or The Iliad? We took up both of those – Beowulf for sure, Iliad I'm almost certain we did, if I'm remembering correctly. Learning them both was a fun experience but I wasn't passionate enough to put like 105% into analyzing them lol if that makes sense. I just wanted to do well enough to pass.

12. Are you the type of person who feels guilty after eating junk food? I don't feel guilty but I will feel gross because the oiliness kicks in so fast, lol.

13. Tell me about a time when you felt like you had no real friends: I was in 6th grade, everyone was obsessed with the latest trends and had a Blackberry and were hanging out at Eastwood on the weekend and had a solid set of friends. At that point Angela started finding new friends too and was adjusting so much better than I ever would have at the time; my two next closest friends migrated to Canada and New Zealand in rapid succession; and the only friend I had was super unstable and wasn't exactly the most well-behaved nor the teacher's favorite. I had a shit life at home and my mom was in her peak rage phase...idk. It was a year where I didn't talk very much.

14. Have you ever felt betrayed by someone? If so, what did they do to make you feel that way? Sure, it's happened. Just stuff I don't feel like getting into.

15. Which is better: Xbox 360 or PS3? Or are you someone who doesn’t care? I don't care and don't think of them in terms of which one is better - but in my family we've always had Playstations.

16. Have you gotten registered to vote yet? I registered when I wasn't even 18 yet, haha. I was very excited to be able to vote.

17. What do you like best about your favorite actor? How about favorite actress? I don't have a favorite actor. As for Kate Winslet, girl just knocks it out of the park in everything she's ever acted in. She's just so good at playing roles of unconventional, deeply troubled characters, digging into that character's psyche and creating a personality for it that will be memorably Hers. I'll allllways always always love her.

18. Tell me how you’re feeling in another language: Pagod.

19. Would you rather drink water all day or Coca Cola all day? Water.

20. Name three movies which have a soundtrack you really love: I don't really pay attention to movie OSTs tbh.

21. Do you think Gatorade tastes refreshing or just gross? Haven't had Gatorade in yearsssssssss.

22. What’s the scariest video game you’ve ever played? Not sure. I don't get spooked much by video games.

23. Do either of your parents get angry over small things? My mom does, 100%.

24. What is the most dramatic TV show that you watch? Grey's Anatomy has to be up there, lmao. Queen of Tears was also such a rollercoaster of a watch.

25. Do you still watch VHS tapes? Nope.

26. Have you ever visited one of the states that doesn’t have sales tax? Was it a nice change? I've never been to the States.

27. Have you ever had Dutch Brothers’ coffee? Nope.

28. What are your grandparents like? Are they nice or mean? They are very kind, very loving people – my grandparents on my dad's side are not very verbally expressive when it comes to love, but they definitely show it and they are very sweet in doing so; like my grandma offering to massage my shoulders and braid my hair, and my grandpa making me his signature snacks and meals.

My grandma on my mom's side is far more expressive; she'll call everyday to check on us, say I love you, hug us...but then again we grew up with her so that's probably why it's easier for her to do these things with us. Both are, understandably given their generation, very traditional and having them consider more modern ways of thinking is Actually impossible. LGBT+ anything is always gonna be wrong, divorce is wrong, abortion is wrong, I can't go out wearing shorts, I should find a man who will treat me well, Jesus is the way the truth the life blahblahblahblah...

29. Do you own any pet fish? What kind of fish are they? Nope.

30. Do you have a turntable and vinyls that you regularly play? I do not. I've always wanted one, but I don't think I'd be able to sustain it as a hobby.

31. What is the most irritating thing that a boyfriend or girlfriend has ever done to you? Gaslighting. :)

32. Have you ever thrown up from being so nervous? What was happening that made you so nervous? Nah, but I've cried from nerves. We were having org elections and I was up for a vice-presidential position and it was going to be my first miting de avance...so I ended up having a quick lil breakdown of sorts.

33. Would you rather be uncomfortable but fashionable or comfortable but unfashionable? Uncomfortable but fashionable. It's nice to look cute, at least for me lol. As much as possible I try to balance both, but yeah.

34. When was the last time you took your pet to the vet? What was wrong with it? There was nothing wrong with them; I just needed to get them anti-tick meds because it's required at the dog hotel we were having them board in last week.

35. Have you ever known someone who was in an abusive relationship? Yuh.

36. If you smoke/drink/do drugs, do you feel insulted when someone tells you that it’s bad for you? Well, no, because it's true.

37. Do you like skiing or snowboarding? Have never done either.

38. Do you find government buildings dreary and uncomfortable? Some of them are, but the others are beautifully-made – like our post office and our national museums :)

39. Name the last horror story you read. If you can’t remember any, name the last horror movie you saw. Feng Shui. Hahahaha

40. What happened the last time you were embarrassed? Drew was telling me frankly to get new glasses because he saw mine had a crack.

[raendown]

Pairing: MadaraTobirama Word count: 2935 Chapter: 3/7 Summary:  An accident at work leaves Tobirama blinded while his eyes are bandaged to heal from some rather nasty burns. Too busy with his own job to play the role of caretaker, wife too pregnant to place the burden on her, Hashirama calls upon his best friend Madara to stay with them and help Tobirama out in anyway he can. Madara isn’t exactly thrilled to play babysitter but he can see an opportunity when one comes along; this may be the chance he’s always waited for.

Follow the link or read it under the cut!

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Chapter 3

When he woke there were two main clues to let Tobirama know that his nightmare had at least been polite enough to wake him up after morning arrived instead of in the middle of the night like usual. His first clue should have been the birds chirping happily just outside the window. In actuality it was the sound of Madara tripping over something in the hallway and screaming his demands for recompense at the top of his lungs, blaming Hashirama for whatever it was he’d stepped on.

Brotherly love aside, Tobirama figured the man was probably within his rights to blame Hashirama since his sibling did in fact have a terrible habit of just tossing his belongings about as it pleased him. It was something he’d promised to watch himself for until everyone in the house had both eyes working again so, really, if he had already fallen back in to bad habits then Tobirama was the last one who would step in to defend his honor on this.

Rolling over to one side, he dragged a pillow over his head and sent reluctant and silent thanks to the man outside for waking him in such a way the nightmare he’d been trapped in was cast out of his mind completely, leaving no room to doubt the reality around him. In less than a minute he was lying on his back again with a grimace baring his teeth because the burns on his face had yet to fully heal and, despite being mostly hidden under the bandages, they still hurt when he tried to lay face down. Tobirama sighed up at what he assumed was still his bedroom ceiling. He hoped so, at least. It would be just his luck to spontaneously develop the ability to teleport when he didn’t have his sight to properly appreciate or take advantage of such a power.

Although the ability to teleport out of a situation would have served him quite well the night before while Madara was trying to help him through his nightly ablutions. He appreciated the help getting to the bathroom and having his toothpaste handed over, that sort of thing had been helpful no matter how much he detested admitting it. What he had not appreciated was Madara hesitantly asking if he needed help aiming while he relieved himself. The neighbors had probably heard that screaming match.

Without the ability to see the clock Tobirama’s best guess was that it took a solid five minutes for Madara to stop yelling and stomp his way downstairs, the boom of his retreating footsteps trailed by an exhausted sounding Hashirama. Lying in bed for a while longer would have been nice if there was any chance of sleep returning but after the never-ending darkness of last night’s dreams Tobirama knew it was unlikely he would find any rest. With that in mind he rolled over and slowly got to his feet, shuffling across the carpet with one arm out until he reached the familiar wood of his closet door. It didn’t matter much which shirt he picked out since most of his clothing tended towards the same color scheme; almost all his shirts went perfectly fine with black or tan slacks and that described nearly every pair of pants he owned.

Barring that one plaid monstrosity Hashirama had picked up for him in France that he still didn’t understand the purpose of. What was he supposed to do with plaid pants? Halloween in July?

After he had an outfit picked out and he was reasonably sure the clothes were all on correctly Tobirama inched his way over to the door to step very carefully out in to the hallway. When Hashirama bought this house and he had first picked out the room he wanted to claim as his own, situating himself right at the top of the stairs for an easy escape from his brother’s madness had seemed like a great idea. Now all it did was make him nervous to know there was a death trap lying in wait just outside the door for unsuspecting sightless idiots to go tumbling down to their doom.

Voices in the kitchen downstairs told him that there were no witnesses to see the shame with which he lowered himself to the ground and butt-scooted most of the way down the long staircase. It wasn’t that he couldn’t do it standing up, just that it was faster and made him feel a lot safer without the sensation of all that empty space around him. When he had counted out eighteen steps he very carefully pulled himself to his feet and clung to the banister with both hands while he descended the last seven or so, all of which could be seen from the kitchen if someone were to look around the corner at just the wrong angle and just the right time.

It was a good thing he did too because he had only just gone down the last step where carpet became polished wood flooring under his bare feet when footsteps left the kitchen, paused in the doorway, and then rushed towards him in a sudden flurry.

“You should have called for one of us to come help you!” Hashirama’s hands fluttered between his arms and shoulders, trying to find somewhere to support him.

“Nonsense.” Tobirama swatted the flustered hands away and continued towards the other voices he could hear. “I am perfectly capable of moving from one room to the other without hurting myself.”

“You might be but Madara is not,” Mito informed him as he stepped in to the kitchen.

Madara's silence carried a particularly mortified air to it and it said something that he failed to respond to such an easy jab. Instead he could be heard mumbling about eggs and then Tobirama heard the fridge rattle before the smell of – ketchup? That was definitely ketchup.

“I’m surprised that you’re even home right now, brother.” Turning the conversation back in another direction seemed safer than dwelling on the embarrassing events of last night.

“Actually I’m just here to check up on Mito and then I’ve got to go back since I’m still on call and it’s just easier to sleep in the rooms there.” From the ragged sound of his voice Tobirama could guess exactly what he would look like, the familiar manic state he got into when one thirty-six hour shift rolled straight in to another twenty-four hour shift and he barely found time to sleep or eat. Long shifts like these were always the culprit for the times when Hashirama would call him in the wee hours of the morning with strange questions like whether water was considered a beverage or if it was normal for a man to love his houseplants more than his cats. Hospital work came with horrors that some would never guess at.

When it came time for Hashirama to leave again and the two lovebirds started in with their disgusting goodbye habits even Tobirama voted for them to scram and do it somewhere else. He might not be able to see but he could definitely still hear and the wet sounds of his brother making out with his sister-in-law was not the sort of thing one should be forced to listen to when one lacked the ability to seek out some other kind of distraction.

It wasn’t until the same gross sounds of farewell actually picked up again from down the hallway that Tobirama realized he was now alone in a room with Madara and frowned. Blind or no he wasn’t going to just sit here and let someone like Madara run his entire life. He could still do some things. Like getting himself a drink, that seemed fairly easy. Standing up was pretty simple and he remembered hearing the fridge directly to his right, which would mean he’d been seated at the head of the table, so if he turned a sharp ninety degrees and took three steps forward he should find – yes. The smooth surface of a stainless steel refrigerator. Once he was there it was a simple process to open the door and trace his fingers along each shelf until he encountered a familiar shape that didn’t require anyone else to help him.

He made it back to his seat with no problems but he was still running his fingers over the top of his drink to find the opening when Madara cleared his throat.

“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather I get you something else?”

“My brother would have you baby me,” Tobirama sneered, “but I can still do some things for myself.”

“Sure, sure. I just think it’s a little early to be drinking beer.”

Pausing just before he cracked open the can, Tobirama tilted his head down as if to stare at it. “Ah. I thought it was a can of soda.” Still not an early morning drink but he hadn’t wanted to ask for help pouring juice out of the jug. Finding a cup would have been easy enough; knowing when to stop pouring would have been a bit trickier.

“Do you…want a soda? Or…” Madara trailed off and Tobirama pushed the can of beer away from himself with a quiet sigh of defeat.

“I think Hashirama said he made orange juice yesterday.”

A minute later he was cradling a tall glass of juice between both hands while he sat and listened to the sounds of Madara thumping around the kitchen. Pots scraped on the stove burners, butter sizzled over the heat, and it took a bit but eventually he was able to figure out that the rapid thunking noise he could hear was the sound of something being chopped up on the wooden cutting board. Mito usually used her fancy marble one when she cooked, though she also usually hid the good cookware when she was done with it so Hashirama couldn’t ruin anything when he inevitably got distracted while cooking. She had learned her lesson after the Great Pot Debacle six years ago.

Listening to the sounds of whatever Madara was cooking wouldn’t have given him much more information without his nose picking up certain familiar scents. Ketchup had been out earlier, so he assumed that everyone else had already eaten and that Madara was starting over again for his benefit, although he knew he couldn’t just assume eggs just because of the ketchup. Mito’s cravings did need to be taken in to account. Something in the pan spit in a way that sounded very different from boiling water so it definitely wasn’t noodles; his theory of eggs looked more and more likely by the second.

He was proved right when Madara shuffled across the kitchen with dragging footsteps and murmured a warning just before something ceramic hit the table with a muted thud. The smell of omelet was much heavier when it was sitting right under his nose.

“Fork by your right hand, knife just above your left. Two omelets on your plate and ketchup just above it.” Madara mumbled his instructions with the gruff voice of someone trying to act normal when they felt anything but. He probably found the situation a little awkward too, although he couldn’t possibly feel as awkward as Tobirama did having to give up such a major part of his life for several weeks.

The omelet, to Tobirama’s sheer horror, was absolutely delicious. Unlike the slapdash meals the man usually served after another frantic call from Hashirama begging him to come take mercy on them all, this simple breakfast was perfectly cooked with gooey cheese and diced vegetables worked through it for delicious little bursts of flavor. Tobirama almost felt bad for bracing himself to choke down another half-assed meal of microwaved bullshit but he was too busy scarfing down fluffy eggs that he could only assume were as golden and buttery looking as they tasted.

When he was done he wanted to ask for more. Pride kept his mouth shut, hands falling in to his lap after draining the last of his orange juice and setting his fork neatly in the center of his plate. Trying to eat without being able to see his food was an experience that he could only assume looked hilarious from an outside perspective and he didn’t want to give Madara any extra incentive to laugh at him.

“So. What’s on for today?”

“Hm? I don’t know about you but I’ve got work to do.” Madara's voice came from over by the sink despite not having made a sound after dropping off the eggs. Had he been intentionally making his footsteps noisy before?

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I can’t really do much right now. Hashirama’s been keeping me entertained and now that he’s run out of sick days to use–”

“Yeah, I don’t get sick days. Being self-employed means I have to work extra hard for my buck. I don’t have a boss to whine at when I need a bit of extra time, all I’ve got is pissy clients who think websites are as easy as ‘just make it more red’.”

Tobirama frowned in his direction as best he could. “Well what am I supposed to do then?”

“Don’t care,” was his answer. What a dick.

Actually things didn’t turn out half as bad as Tobirama thought they would. He followed Madara to the living room originally in the hope of annoying the man in to entertaining him somehow but within ten minutes he found there was no need, he was plenty entertained just listening in. If you had asked him before their conversation over breakfast he probably wouldn’t have remembered what the man actually did for a living since most of the time he tried not to pay too much attention to idiots. Even knowing the broad scope of what he was doing – something to do with web design he was pretty sure – didn’t really help though since Tobirama had no idea how coding worked. Coding was for nerds.

Yes he did realize the irony of a scientist calling anyone a nerd, thank you. He also didn’t care.

Listening to his companion now didn’t exactly help him understand what the big deal was with coding a new website from scratch or why it was so hard – but it did help him understand that it was, indeed, very difficult. Why else would Madara have kept up such a constant stream of profanity and complaints under his breath as his fingers ticked and tacked over the keyboard in an endlessly stuttering stream?

“Fucking semicolons,” he heard from across the room and wondered in what situation a semicolon could ever induce such rage. “Red. Needs to be more red. Too pink – rose? No, pink. White text won’t look good on that, asshole doesn’t know what he wants. No one will be able to read – black. It should be black. Where the fuck is the semicolon I swear to fuck I know you’re in here!? Oh. Oh I put a comma.” Madara heaved a sigh so deep one would think he’d just been informed of a close friend’s death and if Tobirama’s eyes were in working condition he would have been staring unashamedly.

Rapid typing filled the air as Madara continued murmuring to himself and the longer they sat there the lower Tobirama sank in to his seat as he realized he really didn’t care what the man was saying as long as he never stopped talking. Horrifying as it would be to admit, he couldn’t believe he’d never noticed what a great voice Madara had. Usually he checked out of the conversation mentally almost as soon as Madara opened his mouth since they had never been friends and he’d decided a long time ago that they would never get along, hadn’t even bothered to learn much about him other than the fact that he was loud and brash and the worst enabler for Hashirama’s bad ideas. He would have to start paying more attention in the future because apparently this idiot had a voice on him.

Deep and rumbling when he muttered under his breath, smooth in an oddly debonair sort of way when he used his cellphone to call the customer whose project was giving him so much grief. Tobirama was so distracted by just listening to the cadences of Madara's voice that he almost didn’t bother paying attention to what he was saying to the other person.

He was being nice. It was weird, completely flipped from the way he spoke to everyone else.

When it became obvious that the phone call was going to last a while as Madara hammered out details with his customer Tobirama rose from his chair and very carefully made his way to the stairs so he could go back up to his bedroom. Thinking of his brother’s best friend in any sort of way that even came close to positive was just weird and if he couldn’t drown it out with words on a page then he was going to lay his head next to his radio and drown it out with music.

That is, if he could remember how to use the radio next to his bed without looking at the buttons. Every five minutes it seemed like he was discovering yet another thing he’d never realized he did without paying much attention. Was the on button for his radio on the top or the front? Which preset wasn’t set up with Hashirama’s stupid pop stations?

Why did losing his sight have to be so bloody annoying?

[nomxsicmiguel]

- Task 001 :  -

BASIC INFORMATION.

- What is your character’s full name ?: Miguel Rivera - How is it pronounced ?: mee-GHEL  ri-vair-uh - Is there a meaning behind it ?: Spanish and Portuguese form of MICHAEL. A notable bearer of this name was Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra (1547-1616), the Spanish novelist and poet who wrote 'Don Quixote'. - Does your character have any nicknames ?: Chamaco, De la Cruzito and Julio - When and where were they born ?: April 24th, 1997 What’s their zodiac sign and what traits do they most relate to ? Taurus, and the traits he relates to the most is being dependable, stubbornness and practical. - What’s their nationality ?: Mexican - What’s their occupation ?: Shoe maker, delivery boy, shoe shiner, etc. Anything that involves his familia’s shoe making business is part of his occupation. - What gender do they identify themselves as ?: Male

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.

- What’s their eye color ?: Brown - Do they wear glasses or contacts ?: Nope, he has 20/20 eye sight. - Hair color ?: Black (although in the sunlight it looks dark brown) - Have they ever dyed their hair or wanted to ?: Miguel never saw the interest in dying hair, and even if he did his familia would probably have a heart attack if he tried. - Height ?: 5′8″ - Body build ?: Lean and a bit tall but not exactly to the point of looking lanky. More along the lines of a runner’s body type.  - Do they have any birthmarks ?: He has a mole right above his mouth on the right side of his face.  - Do they have any piercings or tattoos ?: None. - If not, do they want to get some ?: Maybe?!!!  - Do they have a healthy life style ?: With the type of food his abuilita cooks? And how much she makes him eat?! No, not really. But Miguel is constantly running off to places, so that helps him burn all of the fat he get’s from eating so much. - How easy do they get sick ?: Not very often. Only get’s sick every four or five months, and that is usually if Miguel over exhaust himself with little to no sleep. When that happens, it’s hard to ward any member of his familia away, but honestly Miguel would just want to rest in bed with the sheets all over him the entire time he his stick. - Any marks on their body ( injuries, … ) ?: A few faded scars can be noticed on both sides of his hands he received mainly from years of making shoes.  - What’s their personal style/how do they like to dress ?: T-Shirt, hoodie, and jeans. On other occasions, it would be: t-shirt, flannel (cotton), and jeans. - What is their favorite and least favorite feature about themselves ?: Favorite: He only has one dimple that appears when he smiles, which Miguel thinks is cool. Least Favorite: He sometimes thinks that he would look better without the mole on his face, as it’s just there.

PERSONALITY.

- Positive traits ?: Creative, Hardworking, Well-meaning, Passionate, & Protective - Negative traits ?: Defiant, Selfish, Rumbustious, Stubborn, & A bit Hot-Headed - What do they consider to be the best and the worst part of their personality ?: The best part of his personality is that Miguel will always try and do anything to make others smile. but the worst part is that once he has his mind set on something, he would also try and do anything for it, even if it may unintentionally hurt others in the process.  - Are they more extroverted or introverted ?: Extroverted - Any talents ?: Musically incline, especially vocally (self-taught) and with a guitar (also self-taught). Miguel is also a craftsman, as he built his own guitar from scratch and has the habit of creating little knick-knacks here and there. Also, he had to learn how to built shoes thanks to his familia’s business. - What are their fears ?: Having his familia discover his secret passion for music and reject him for it.  - Do they have any phobias ?: Thanatophobia – The fear of death - What is their soft spot ?: Miguel’s prima and best friend, Coco. He would literally do just about anything for her. - List 3 pet-peeves they can’t stand ?: 1.) “No music” 2.) Anyone insulting his familia 3.) Not being able to play music whenever he wants 

EDUCATION.

- How far did they go in school ? Are they still studying ?: Currently in college as a junior. - Do they like school ?: Yes, but mainly because going to school is one of the only few chances Miguel has to play music openly without his familia knowing (unless Abel or Rosa is around, then Miguel would have to continue to stay quite). - What type of student are they ?: Average. Tends to get B’s and C’s the majority of the time, with the occasional A- here and there. Only had 1 F, and that was in Chemistry back in his senior year of High School (had to re-take it during his freshman year in college).  - What is their favorite subject ?: Music Appreciation Communication - And their least favorite ?: Chemistry, and anything science in general to be honest. - What were they voted as “most likely to…” in the yearbook ?: “Most likely to stay and work in the family business.”

FAMILY.

- Who are your character’s parents ?: Enrique Rivera (Papá) and Luisa Rivera (Mamá) - How would your character describe them ?: Well-meaning, Supportive, kind-hearted, always trying to do what they think is best for the entire familia and overall loving.  - Do they have any siblings ?: In two months, Miguel will be the proud big brother of Socorro Rivera aka his baby sister. - Are they close with their family ?: Pfft, THE CLOSES ANY FAMILIA COULD BE!!!  

ROMANCE & SEXUALITY.

- What’s their romantic and sexual orientation ?: Open-minded, as Miguel has never had the time to focus on romance, so he doesn’t completely have a sense of what his orientation is. He is possibly demisexual? Panromantic-Demisexual?? Maybe?! - Are they seeing anyone right now ?: No, not romantically anyways. - Have they ever been in an relationship ?: Never, too busy working in the familia business and sneaking off to learn music to ever try and be in one. - Have they ever been in love ?: No. - How easy do they fall for someone ?: It depends? Miguel doesn’t often fall for looks, but if he is attracted to someone because of it, it is only the matter of finding something in common with them before he starts crushing. It needs to be a deep and personal kind of thing too, because otherwise Miguel may have a small crush or likeness to someone for a moment, but could then transfer it into a platonic feeling in the end. - In their view, why didn’t any past relationships work out ?: Lies and turning your back on the familia. - What do they look for in someone ?: Needs to like music. No offense to his familia, but Miguel does not think that he could date someone who hates music as much as his familia does. Doesn’t think he could handle it if that happens. It would be nice if the person also has a deep passion for something like he does, like it doesn’t have to be music but to know that someone can understand him and his passion and love for music would help him easily connect with that person. Not minding his familia is another bonus too, as at the end of the day Miguel cares about them all and would not be with someone who hates them. A good personality doesn’t hurt too, and some cute quirks maybe? - Do they believe in love at first sight ? or fate?: He would say neither, but if he had to choose then he would go with fate. He would rather believe that there was a reason behind why he fell in love with someone, than fall for someone over their looks. What’s their views on romance ? Do they go after it or avoid it ? He use to find it gross, but now Miguel thinks it’s kind of sweet. If two people are meant to be together, he would support it but romance is also a cautious thing for him thanks to what happened to his tía Imelda. - Did they have their first time already ? How was it in their point of view ?: Nope. Once again, Miguel does not have the time for romance, much less being intimate with someone. - What is their view on sex ?: It is okay? He has never experienced it, so he doesn’t exactly have an opinion on it? If he had to, it should be good for both partners, and not one over the other????? - What are their turn ons and turn offs ?: Passion! Just someone being passionate in general. Singing, I mean who wouldn’t want to see a lovely duet with their loved one? Singing in Spanish especially.  Hand touches, like once Miguel finds someone he will want to be affectionate with them even if he is a little awkward about it. As for turn offs, insulting his familia is the biggest one of all because once again, anyone who dislikes his familia is no future Rivera. - Were they ever cheated on or have they cheated on someone ?: Nope. - Do they want to get married in the future ?: Possibly. If he finds the right person. - Have kids ?: Nuh-uh.

QUIRKS.

- Are they right or left handed ?: Left, but trying to learn to be ambidextrous. - What’s a word that’s always on their lips ?: “Oi” - Is there a saying they keep on repeating ?: “Mi familia *insert*” , “-sigh- No music” and “I want to be a musician” - Do they curse ?: Sometimes - What’s their worst habit ?: Sneaking off late until the night, only to arrive back home to get two to three hours of sleep (almost daily). - Do they drink or smoke ? How frequently ?: Miguel would be smacked by a chancleta if he smoked, but he does drink. Normally on special occasions does he drink, or when he is just not in the mood to deal with anyone or anything. - Are they an early bird or a night owl ?: Both???!!! Generally, he is a night owl but his familia has a thing for waking up extra early in the day, so.... - How tidy is their room ?: It’s a mess, let’s leave it at that. - How long to they usually take getting ready in the morning ?: About ten to fifteen minutes flat. Thirty if he chose to shower, but he normally leaves that for the night since his days are always productive. 

FAVORITES.

- What’s their favorite color ?: Can never go wrong with red. - Favorite movie ?: Literally, just about any film that Ernesto de la Cruz had starred in. He is also a fan of The Pirates of the Caribbean franchise as well. - Music Genre ?: Latin and Country - Food ?: Tamales - Book ?: The Road by Cormac McCarthy - Favorite non-alcoholic drink ?: Piña Colada - Ice Cream Flavor ?: Horchata - Indoors or outdoors ?: Outdoors (only indoors when he is playing music, but even then he would rather much prefer to do so outdoors if he is allowed to)

[reading-writing-revolution]

Shared by Laura Kiesel, whose friend wrote it. If you're a man wondering what to do after #Metoo, here are some suggestions:

CONCRETE WAYS MEN CAN HELP

Written by: Nicole Stamp

Read the whole thing. Re-read #13.

1. Practice these phrases: "That's not cool" and “That’s a shitty thing to say". Say them to other men who are saying disrespectful things to or about women.

2. Follow some feminist writers on social media. Sometimes what they write may seem "exhausting" or "too angry". Put aside that discomfort because that feeling is your male privilege allowing you to disengage from an important conversation that womxn don't get to disengage from.

(Ladies — feel free to write your favorite feminist writers in the comments)

3. Boost female voices. When there's an issue and you're going to share an article about it- especially if it's a gender issue- take a minute and try to find one written by a woman (same goes for other marginalized groups- seek articles about race written by IBPOC, articles about GLBTQ written by GLBTQ, disability by writers with disabilities*, etc. "Nothing about us, without us.”

4. Boost what women say at work. Listen for men dismissing women's contributions and make a habit of listening and saying things like "Hey Zahra has a point".

5. Be mindful of how you introduce women- particularly at work functions. Role-model respect into your introductions. So often you hear men being introduced with job titles and accolades, and women introduced as "the lovely" or "the beautiful". I guarantee that no matter how good she looks, she'd rather be introduced by her job title and accomplishments.

Doing this subtly tells the listener that the women's qualifications are lesser-than. Go out of your way to correct this by introducing women (and others from marginalized groups — racialized, disabled, young-looking, whatever) using their full job titles and accolades.

6. At work or out in the world, don't call female colleagues or strangers cutesy diminutive names like "honey, baby, darling, kiddo, young lady, sweetheart, girl, or dear". This is a subtle way of putting them down, elevating your own status over them as a man who is choosing to vote them as attractive, and reminding them and all present that they're just cute little ladies that nobody should listen to.

At work, make a special effort to speak to women using the kind of person-to-person respectful address you use when speaking with male colleagues. Hint: Use their name. If you slip up and call your colleague "young lady" or some other bullshit like that, it's cool to say something about it, like "I'm sorry I called you that — it's disrespectful."

7. Seek enthusiastic consent in your sexual encounters. If you're having sexy time and the other person stops reciprocating, gets quiet, seems tense or stiff, avoids making eye contact, pauses, or otherwise slows the tempo of the encounter, then you should.... STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

Reframe how you think of consent. You're not supposed to just "go for it" until someone yells NO and that's when you stop. That's old-fashioned and gross. And she might not be able to explicitly say no, because she has very likely been assaulted before and she might freeze when stressed- that's a side effect of all this "me too".

People shouldn't have to explicitly say no. Instead, slow down. At every step, listen with your ears (or ask with your words) for the word "yes", and then you can escalate the encounter together. Seek explicit and enthusiastic and active consent before you proceed. Proceed together. And constantly observe the other person's body language for the hesitations that mean "no". If this means you have to cut down on alcohol or substances to stay present and have self-control, please do that.

8. Don't use gendered or misogynist insults. Bitch, cunt, slut, pussy, f*g, girly, sissy, cuck, etc. Use insults that work on everyone rather than insults that specifically target the feminine as weak, lesser, and undesirable. "Asshole" is a nice multipurpose choice- we all have one. Or maybe don’t use insults at all.

9. If there are little boys, teen boys, and young men in your life, role-model that the feminine is not less-than. Challenge them on their dismissive ideas around what counts as "girl stuff". Buy them a doll. Paint your nails together. Show up wearing pink. Do something that's coded as* traditionally "feminine" in a way that embraces the feminine as a valid way of being, not in a way that mocks femininity. Buy them books and watch TV and movies that prominently feature female characters. Verbally challenge their stereotypes about what men do and how women are lesser. Seeing women as people starts in infancy.

(*Thanks to a commenter for pointing out that behaviours aren't inherently fem/masc, but rather we code them as such).

10. Be wary of constantly or only telling little girls they're pretty and cute or commenting on their hairstyle & clothing. I know, little girls often wear fun stuff and it's easy to comment on. But it tells her, and the little boys nearby, that girls should be valued first and foremost for their looks.

Instead, try things like "What kind of toy is that? That looks fun, what is it? Are you reading any good books? What's your favourite subject in school? What kind of things do you like to do? Do you have a favourite animal? May I ask your advice, should I purchase the apples or the grapes?" There are so many things to talk about.

11. When a woman is walking alone and you end up walking behind her — especially in dark or secluded areas — please slow down to increase the distance between you, or, better yet, cross the street. Literally go out of your way to help her feel that you're not following her.

12. Teach your elders to do better. Pervy Grandpa and Racist Grandma might seem harmless at Xmas dinner but as their health declines, they will largely end up being cared for by women and POC who don't deserve dehumanizing treatment. Call it out. You can teach old dogs* new tricks, and you should definitely try.

(*Someone below pointed out that this metaphor, equating the elderly to dogs, is disrespectful. I agree with them. I'm not deleting it because hiding mistakes is creepy. I'm sorry I spoke disrespectfully about elderly people- that's a proverb that I'll quit using.)

13. Don't argue so much in conversations around types of oppression that you don't personally experience. Keep an eye open for our culture's gross habit of putting the onus on the oppressed persons to dredge up their pain for inspection (only for us to then dismiss it as "just one instance which they probably either caused or misinterpreted anyway"). Instead, try this — if you don't believe something is an issue, use the Googles. Find, say, three articles *written by people in that demographic*, and read them. Look for patterns in their analyses. You'll find that these ideas aren't weird militant fringe notions — oppression is a widely-accepted and statistically-supported phenomenon and a lot of insightful people are talking about it. Avoid the hot takes and go to the source — the people who experience the issue firsthand.

14. If you feel uncomfortable during conversations about sexism (or racism, or ableism, or cultural appropriation, or whatever — because all these systems are related, google "kyriarchy" and "intersectionality" to learn more), the only correct response is to be quiet and listen and try to focus on the topic at hand rather than centre your own feelings. It's hard. It's worthwhile.

Thanks for trying to be decent men. We see you.

{Wonderful message written by Nicole Stamp}

[caustic-pixie]

“Today my timeline is full of decent men asking, "How can I help?" I'm going to take this question as sincere, and give a few suggestions.

In response to those who are asking, yes, you can share this, thanks for being interested in doing so. Please credit me, and if you end up being paid to present my work, I welcome fair contributions via PayPal. stamperoo@gmail.com :)

Here are some concrete ways men can help:

1. Practice these phrases: "That's not cool" and "That's a shitty thing to say".  Say them to other men who are saying disrespectful things to or about women.

2. Follow some feminist writers on social media. Sometimes what they write may seem "exhausting" or "too angry". Put aside that discomfort because that feeling is your male privilege allowing you to disengage from an important conversation that womxn don't get to disengage from. Here are some accounts I like- but there are lots. Follow a few. www.twitter.com/ijeomaoluo www.twitter.com/manwhohasitall www.twitter.com/FeministaJones

3. Boost female voices. When there's an issue and you're going to share an article about it- especially if it's a gender issue- take a minute and try to find one written by a woman (same goes for other marginalized groups- seek articles about race written by IBPOC, seek articles about disability by disabled writers, etc. "Nothing about us, without us").

4. Boost what women say at work. Listen for men dismissing women's contributions and make a habit of listening and saying things like "Hey Zahra has a point".

5. Be mindful of how you introduce women- particularly at work functions. Role-model extra respect into your introductions. So often you hear men being introduced with job titles and accolades, and women introduced as "the lovely" or "the beautiful". I guarantee that no matter how good she looks, she'd rather be introduced by her job title and accomplishments.

Relevant Washington Post article: "At conferences, male doctors are introduced as "Doctor Whoever" 72% of the time; female doctors are introduced using the word "Doctor" only 49% of the time." http://wapo.st/2kSWlba

Doing this subtly tells the listener that the women's qualifications are lesser-than. Go out of your way to correct this by introducing women (and others from marginalized groups- racialized, disabled, young-looking, whatever) using their full job titles and accolades.

6. At work or out in the world, don't call women cutesy names like "honey, baby, darling, kiddo, young lady, girl, or dear". This is a subtle way of putting them down, elevating your own status over them as a man who is choosing to vote them as attractive, and reminding them and all present that they're just cute little ladies that nobody should listen to. Make a special effort to speak to women using the kind of person-to-person respectful address you use when speaking with male colleagues. Hint: Use their name. If you slip up and call your colleague "young lady" or some other bullshit like that, it's cool to say something about it, like "I'm sorry I called you that- it's disrespectful."

7. Seek enthusiastic consent in your sexual encounters. If you're having sexy time and the other person stops reciprocating, gets quiet, seems tense or stiff, avoids making eye contact, pauses, or otherwise slows the tempo of the encounter, then you should.... STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

Reframe how you think of consent. You're not supposed to just "go for it" until someone yells NO and that's when you stop. That's old-fashioned and gross. And she might not be able to explicitly say no, because she has very likely been assaulted before and she might freeze when stressed- that's a side effect of all this "me too".

People shouldn't have to explicitly say no.  Instead, slow down. At every step, listen with your ears (or ask with your words) for the word "yes", and then you can escalate the encounter together. Seek explicit and enthusiastic and active consent before you proceed. Proceed together. And constantly observe the other person's body language for the hesitations that mean "no".  If this means you have to cut down on alcohol or substances to stay present and have self-control, please do that.

8. Don't use gendered or misogynist insults. Bitch, cunt, slut, pussy, f*g, girly, sissy, cuck, etc. Use insults that work on everyone rather than insults that specifically target the feminine as weak, lesser, and undesirable. "Asshole" is a nice multipurpose choice- we all have one.

9. If there are little boys, teen boys, and young men in your life, role-model that the feminine is not less-than. Challenge them on their dismissive ideas around what counts as "girl stuff". Buy them a doll. Paint your nails together. Show up wearing pink. Do something feminine in a way that embraces the feminine as a valid way of being, not in a way that mocks femininity. Buy them books and watch TV and movies that prominently feature female characters. Verbally challenge their stereotypes about what men do and how women are lesser. Seeing women as people starts in infancy.

10. Avoid telling little girls they're pretty and cute or commenting on their hairstyle or clothing. I know, little girls often wear fun stuff and it's easy to comment on. But it tells her, and the little boys nearby, that girls should be valued first and foremost for their looks.

Instead, try things like "What kind of toy is that? That looks fun, what is it? Are you reading any good books? What's your favourite subject in school? What kind of things do you like to do? Do you have a favourite animal? May I ask your advice, should I purchase the apples or the grapes?" There are so many things to talk about.

11. When a woman is walking alone and you end up walking behind her- especially in dark or secluded areas- please slow down to increase the distance between you, or, better yet, cross the street. Literally go out of your way to help her feel that you're not following her.

12. Teach your elders to do better. Pervy Grandpa and Racist Grandma might seem harmless at Xmas dinner but as their health declines, they will largely end up being cared for by women and POC who don't deserve dehumanizing treatment. Call it out. You can teach old dogs new tricks and you should definitely try.

13. Don't argue so much in conversations around types of oppression that you don't personally experience. Keep an eye open for our culture's gross habit of putting the onus on the oppressed persons to dredge up their pain for inspection (only for us to then dismiss it as "just one instance which they probably either caused or misinterpreted anyway"). Instead, try this- if you don't believe something is an issue, use the Googles. Find, say, three articles *written by people in that demographic*, and read them. Look for patterns in their analyses. You'll find that these ideas aren't weird militant fringe notions- oppression is a widely-accepted and statistically-supported phenomenon and a lot of insightful people are talking about it. Avoid the hot takes and go to the source- the people who experience the issue firsthand.

14. If you feel uncomfortable during conversations about sexism (or racism, or ableism, or cultural appropriation, or whatever- because all these systems are related, google "kyriarchy" to learn more), the only correct response is to be quiet and listen and try to focus on the topic at hand rather than centre your own feelings. It's hard. It's worthwhile.

Thanks for trying to be decent men. We see you.” (Source)

[wine-anon]

1, 2, 6, 20, 26, 29, 30, 35, 45, 48, 53, 55, 60, 63, 66, 69, 70, 72, 88, 93, 94, 96, 98, 112, 116, 120, 124, 125

1.  What is the last dream you remember? (describe)

The last dream I vividly remember is from a few days ago. I was having a conversation with my dad and older sib about paintings. We were talking about it and for some reason my older sib said that his favourite painting was ‘The Birth of Venus’ by Sandro Botticelli (it’s not in real life and that should have been the hint that it was a dream). 

Anyway, he was saying that he wanted to see it one day and I was like, “yeah, it’d be amazing to see it in its full glory because it’s huge,” (the real size is 1.72 m x 2.78 m). 

And my older sib was like, “woah, I didn't even know it was that big. I always thought it was smaller because it looks tiny in photos.” 

Then my dad said, “it’s misleading. Like the ‘Mona Lisa’ is very small in real life, only about the size of an A4 portrait but seems really large in photos.”

Then I went on about it being bullshit that the Mona Lisa was so small and how much it bugged me.

Anyway, it was so vivid that I thought it was a real conversation with them and I was super confused that my older sib like ‘The Birth of Venus’ so much. But yeah, weird dream right?

2.  What is something that you fear will happen to you in the future? (Also Why)

DRUG TW

I am scared that one day someone will trick me into taking heroin and I will become addicted to it. It’s totally irrational but my fear of needles coupled with the intense addiction that comes with heroin is super freaky to me. I don’t wanna do heroin.

6.  Do you believe in love at first sight?

Hm, I’m on the fence. In some situations there is the immediate knowledge that you are in love with someone and you see your life with that person without a shadow of a doubt. But other times I feel like it’s more of a lust at first sight, ya’know? That you are physically attracted to that person because you know nothing about them. I think that love is more than just a physical connection, there is so much that goes into love.

20.  Name a subject you would like to study if you had time?

I would like to study photography and cinematography. I think it’s such a cool talent to have and would come in useful a lot in life.

26.  Has a movie ever made you cry?  Which one.

So many movies have made me cry. So many. If I had a list, it would go on for a very long time. I think the most recent movie I watched that made me cry was ‘Avengers: Infinity War.’ Marvel really messed me up with that one.

29.  Do you think that forgiveness is mandatory to move on from something?

Always. It’s a very cliche motto to have but I live by, “always forgive those who have done wrong against you, but do not forget those who wrong you.” I always forgive people for the bad things they’ve done to me, I think it’s mandatory, but I will not just forget that they have hurt me in any way.

30.  If you could be a dictator on an island, what kind of crazy “dictator” rules would you put in place?

Hm, I think that the first rule is that I make the rules but I will listen to the democratic votes. Half democracy but half totalitarian. The main rules are that all people are equal, currency doesn’t exist, love everyone and solve issues respectably, and that everyone shares.

I don’t think I'd implement anything too crazy.

35.  What are some weird habits or “quirks” do you have?

I tap a lot. Like a lot. So much.

I click all the time, often subconsciously.

Goodness, I can’t think of anything else right now. A lot of my ‘quirks’ are just things that I physically do all the time without realising.

45.  If you could write a book, what would it be about?

About untold true stories. Of people who have impacted the world more than anyone knows but they are the ones who are still in the dark. People of all types, cultures and ages, who have done incredible things and deserve the credit where it’s due.

48. If you could make one rule that everyone had to follow, what would it be?

To love everyone. Love is paramount in life.

53.  What is the scariest monster you could imagine?

Something that is intangible. Just a mass that is physically nothing but mentally messes with you. I think psychological fear is the scariest thing ever.

55. If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?

I wouldn’t change my name unless I had to but probably to something like ‘Amelia’ or ‘Harper’.

60. What is a personality trait that you love about yourself?

My wit. Like my ability to think of quick quips and jokes, sarcastic comments. I love to make people laugh.

63. Do you have an irrational fear? What is it?

DRUG TW

I said it before, but that someone will trick me into doing heroin. It won't ever happen but like... WHAT IF IT DOES??

66. Do you believe in Aliens?

Yes. They are very likely and I totally think that there is something else in the universe. There is no way that we are the only life in the entire universe.

69. If you were put in solitary confinement, what do you think you would think the most about?

Gosh, my mind automatically goes to the deepest pits of imagination just in general. I think that I would think mostly about my loved ones and any of my favourite characters. Basically it’d be like a fanfic in my head that I could vicariously live through.

70.  In your opinion what is something horrible everyone should try once?

A cooked bug.

They honestly don’t taste THAT bad. They are still pretty gross but I’ve eaten worse things. Some people just have to eat one and get over themselves.

72. What is the hardest lesson that you have ever learned?

That I can say ‘no’ to things. I have always felt the compulsion to make people happy but I’m allowed to say ‘no’ or that I don’t want to.

88.  People in the past were buried with things that were important to them, what would you be buried with?

I want to be buried with things to confuse anyone who digs me up in a couple hundred years. I don’t have any possessions that are so important that I want to be buried with them. Gimme a pair of cool sunglasses, a map leading to no where and a random unopenable box. That way people will think that I’m hiding some secret treasure or something.

93. What makes you roll your eyes every time you hear it?

The “Hurricane Katrina, more like Hurricane Tortilla,” vine. It makes me so unnecessarily mad.

94.  Do you believe in the right to die?  Why or why not?

I do. If someone is in so much pain that they must be in a vegetative state to stay alive then they certainly should have that opportunity. If someone is incapable of looking after themselves anymore than they should have the opportunity.

96. What is your cure for the hiccups?

Tipping my head completely back so that my throat is straight, then I drink water slowly and straight down. Concentrating on that stops hiccups.

98. What mythical creature do you wish existed and why?

Dragons. Is there any competition. Can you imagine having your own little dragon? It’d be so damn cute!

112.  What is the last lie you told to someone and why did you lie?

I actually don’t remember but I only ever lie if I have to. It is often to avoid hurting someone in any way. though even then it depends. I never outright lie to someone, it’s just mildly bending the truth.

116. What language would you like to speak if you could?

Latin. It’d be so cool to speak Latin!

120.  If you were in prison, what do you think would be the worst part?

Not having a private place to shower and go to the toilet. The rest I don’t care about.

124. What movie universe would be the worst to live in?

Probably the Narnia or Harry Potter universe. They are likely the only ones that I wouldn't die in.

125.  What is something you think has been blown way out of proportion?

Unpopular Opinion Inbound (note that this is just an opinion)

I think Political Correctness has been blown way out of proportion.

[genderclass]

For men and masculine people who want to help...

Today my timeline is full of decent men asking, "How can I help?", in the wake of the viral #MeToo movement created by www.twitter.com/TaranaBurke. I'm going to take this question as sincere, and give a few suggestions.

SHARING: Yes, you can share this on FB & Twitter; thanks for being interested in doing so. Please credit me & link back to this post (Click the timestamp at the top of the post for the direct link to this page). ** And if you end up being paid to present my work, I welcome fair contributions via PayPal. stamperoo@gmail.com :) **

Here are some concrete ways men* can help: (*I wrote this specifically for a small group of my own male friends who were explicitly asking for advice after being stunned by the ubiquity of the #metoo abuse hashtag. I wasn't anticipating this being shared so many times. These tips can be used by people of all genders.)

1. Practice these phrases: "That's not cool" and "That's a shitty thing to say". Say them to other men who are saying disrespectful things to or about women.

2. Follow some feminist writers on social media. Sometimes what they write may seem "exhausting" or "too angry". Put aside that discomfort because that feeling is your male privilege allowing you to disengage from an important conversation that womxn don't get to disengage from. Here are some accounts I like- but there are lots. Follow a few. www.twitter.com/ijeomaoluo www.twitter.com/manwhohasitall www.twitter.com/FeministaJones

3. Boost female voices. When there's an issue and you're going to share an article about it- especially if it's a gender issue- take a minute and try to find one written by a woman (same goes for other marginalized groups- seek articles about race written by IBPOC, seek articles about disability by writers with disabilities*, etc. "Nothing about us, without us"). (*I originally said "disabled writers". Thanks to a commenter for reminding me that "person-first" language is considered more respectful in certain disability communities).

4. Boost what women say at work. Listen for men dismissing women's contributions and make a habit of listening and saying things like "Hey Zahra has a point".

5. Be mindful of how you introduce women- particularly at work functions. Role-model extra respect into your introductions. So often you hear men being introduced with job titles and accolades, and women introduced as "the lovely" or "the beautiful". I guarantee that no matter how good she looks, she'd rather be introduced by her job title and accomplishments.

Relevant Washington Post article: "At conferences, male doctors are introduced as "Doctor Whoever" 72% of the time; female doctors are introduced using the word "Doctor" only 49% of the time." http://wapo.st/2kSWlba

Doing this subtly tells the listener that the women's qualifications are lesser-than. Go out of your way to correct this by introducing women (and others from marginalized groups- racialized, disabled, young-looking, whatever) using their full job titles and accolades.

6. At work or out in the world, don't call women cutesy names like "honey, baby, darling, kiddo, young lady, girl, or dear". This is a subtle way of putting them down, elevating your own status over them as a man who is choosing to vote them as attractive, and reminding them and all present that they're just cute little ladies that nobody should listen to. Make a special effort to speak to women using the kind of person-to-person respectful address you use when speaking with male colleagues. Hint: Use their name. If you slip up and call your colleague "young lady" or some other bullshit like that, it's cool to say something about it, like "I'm sorry I called you that- it's disrespectful."

7. Seek enthusiastic consent in your sexual encounters. If you're having sexy time and the other person stops reciprocating, gets quiet, seems tense or stiff, avoids making eye contact, pauses, or otherwise slows the tempo of the encounter, then you should.... STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

Reframe how you think of consent. You're not supposed to just "go for it" until someone yells NO and that's when you stop. That's old-fashioned and gross. And she might not be able to explicitly say no, because she has very likely been assaulted before and she might freeze when stressed- that's a side effect of all this "me too".

People shouldn't have to explicitly say no. Instead, slow down. At every step, listen with your ears (or ask with your words) for the word "yes", and then you can escalate the encounter together. Seek explicit and enthusiastic and active consent before you proceed. Proceed together. And constantly observe the other person's body language for the hesitations that mean "no". If this means you have to cut down on alcohol or substances to stay present and have self-control, please do that.

8. Don't use gendered or misogynist insults. Bitch, cunt, slut, pussy, f*g, girly, sissy, cuck, etc. Use insults that work on everyone rather than insults that specifically target the feminine as weak, lesser, and undesirable. "Asshole" is a nice multipurpose choice- we all have one.

9. If there are little boys, teen boys, and young men in your life, role-model that the feminine is not less-than. Challenge them on their dismissive ideas around what counts as "girl stuff". Buy them a doll. Paint your nails together. Show up wearing pink. Do something that's coded as* traditionally "feminine" in a way that embraces the feminine as a valid way of being, not in a way that mocks femininity. Buy them books and watch TV and movies that prominently feature female characters. Verbally challenge their stereotypes about what men do and how women are lesser. Seeing women as people starts in infancy. (*Thanks to a commenter for pointing out that behaviours aren't inherently fem/masc, but rather we code them as such).

10. Be wary of constantly or only telling little girls they're pretty and cute or commenting on their hairstyle & clothing. I know, little girls often wear fun stuff and it's easy to comment on. But it tells her, and the little boys nearby, that girls should be valued first and foremost for their looks.

Instead, try things like "What kind of toy is that? That looks fun, what is it? Are you reading any good books? What's your favourite subject in school? What kind of things do you like to do? Do you have a favourite animal? May I ask your advice, should I purchase the apples or the grapes?" There are so many things to talk about.

11. When a woman is walking alone and you end up walking behind her- especially in dark or secluded areas- please slow down to increase the distance between you, or, better yet, cross the street. Literally go out of your way to help her feel that you're not following her.

12. Teach your elders to do better. Pervy Grandpa and Racist Grandma might seem harmless at Xmas dinner but as their health declines, they will largely end up being cared for by women and POC who don't deserve dehumanizing treatment. Call it out. You can teach old dogs* new tricks, and you should definitely try. (*Someone below pointed out that this metaphor, equating the elderly to dogs, is disrespectful. I agree with them. I'm not deleting it because hiding mistakes is creepy. I'm sorry I spoke disrespectfully about elderly people- that's a proverb that I'll quit using.)

13. Don't argue so much in conversations around types of oppression that you don't personally experience. Keep an eye open for our culture's gross habit of putting the onus on the oppressed persons to dredge up their pain for inspection (only for us to then dismiss it as "just one instance which they probably either caused or misinterpreted anyway"). Instead, try this- if you don't believe something is an issue, use the Googles. Find, say, three articles *written by people in that demographic*, and read them. Look for patterns in their analyses. You'll find that these ideas aren't weird militant fringe notions- oppression is a widely-accepted and statistically-supported phenomenon and a lot of insightful people are talking about it. Avoid the hot takes and go to the source- the people who experience the issue firsthand.

14. If you feel uncomfortable during conversations about sexism (or racism, or ableism, or cultural appropriation, or whatever- because all these systems are related, google "kyriarchy" to learn more), the only correct response is to be quiet and listen and try to focus on the topic at hand rather than centre your own feelings. It's hard. It's worthwhile.

Thanks for trying to be decent men. We see you.

- Nicole Stamp

[kittyperrier-blog]

This.

https://www.facebook.com/nicole.stamp/posts/101 Today my timeline is full of decent men asking, "How can I help?" I'm going to take this question as sincere, and give a few suggestions. In response to those who are asking, yes, you can share this, thanks for being interested in doing so. Please credit me, and if you end up being paid to present my work, I welcome fair contributions via PayPal. stamperoo@gmail.com :) Here are some concrete ways men* can help: (*I wrote this specifically for a small group of my own male friends who were explicitly asking for advice after being stunned by the ubiquity of the #metoo abuse hashtag. I wasn't anticipating this being shared so many times. These tips can be used by people of all genders.) 1. Practice these phrases: "That's not cool" and "That's a shitty thing to say". Say them to other men who are saying disrespectful things to or about women. 2. Follow some feminist writers on social media. Sometimes what they write may seem "exhausting" or "too angry". Put aside that discomfort because that feeling is your male privilege allowing you to disengage from an important conversation that womxn don't get to disengage from. Here are some accounts I like- but there are lots. Follow a few. www.twitter.com/ijeomaoluo www.twitter.com/manwhohasitall www.twitter.com/FeministaJones 3. Boost female voices. When there's an issue and you're going to share an article about it- especially if it's a gender issue- take a minute and try to find one written by a woman (same goes for other marginalized groups- seek articles about race written by IBPOC, seek articles about disability by disabled writers, etc. "Nothing about us, without us"). 4. Boost what women say at work. Listen for men dismissing women's contributions and make a habit of listening and saying things like "Hey Zahra has a point". 5. Be mindful of how you introduce women- particularly at work functions. Role-model extra respect into your introductions. So often you hear men being introduced with job titles and accolades, and women introduced as "the lovely" or "the beautiful". I guarantee that no matter how good she looks, she'd rather be introduced by her job title and accomplishments. Relevant Washington Post article: "At conferences, male doctors are introduced as "Doctor Whoever" 72% of the time; female doctors are introduced using the word "Doctor" only 49% of the time." http://wapo.st/2kSWlba Doing this subtly tells the listener that the women's qualifications are lesser-than. Go out of your way to correct this by introducing women (and others from marginalized groups- racialized, disabled, young-looking, whatever) using their full job titles and accolades. 6. At work or out in the world, don't call women cutesy names like "honey, baby, darling, kiddo, young lady, girl, or dear". This is a subtle way of putting them down, elevating your own status over them as a man who is choosing to vote them as attractive, and reminding them and all present that they're just cute little ladies that nobody should listen to. Make a special effort to speak to women using the kind of person-to-person respectful address you use when speaking with male colleagues. Hint: Use their name. If you slip up and call your colleague "young lady" or some other bullshit like that, it's cool to say something about it, like "I'm sorry I called you that- it's disrespectful." 7. Seek enthusiastic consent in your sexual encounters. If you're having sexy time and the other person stops reciprocating, gets quiet, seems tense or stiff, avoids making eye contact, pauses, or otherwise slows the tempo of the encounter, then you should.... STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING. Reframe how you think of consent. You're not supposed to just "go for it" until someone yells NO and that's when you stop. That's old-fashioned and gross. And she might not be able to explicitly say no, because she has very likely been assaulted before and she might freeze when stressed- that's a side effect of all this "me too". People shouldn't have to explicitly say no. Instead, slow down. At every step, listen with your ears (or ask with your words) for the word "yes", and then you can escalate the encounter together. Seek explicit and enthusiastic and active consent before you proceed. Proceed together. And constantly observe the other person's body language for the hesitations that mean "no". If this means you have to cut down on alcohol or substances to stay present and have self-control, please do that. 8. Don't use gendered or misogynist insults. Bitch, cunt, slut, pussy, f*g, girly, sissy, cuck, etc. Use insults that work on everyone rather than insults that specifically target the feminine as weak, lesser, and undesirable. "Asshole" is a nice multipurpose choice- we all have one. 9. If there are little boys, teen boys, and young men in your life, role-model that the feminine is not less-than. Challenge them on their dismissive ideas around what counts as "girl stuff". Buy them a doll. Paint your nails together. Show up wearing pink. Do something that's coded as* traditionally "feminine" in a way that embraces the feminine as a valid way of being, not in a way that mocks femininity. Buy them books and watch TV and movies that prominently feature female characters. Verbally challenge their stereotypes about what men do and how women are lesser. Seeing women as people starts in infancy. (*Thanks to a commenter for pointing out that behaviours aren't inherently fem/masc, but rather we code them as such). 10. Be wary of constantly or only telling little girls they're pretty and cute or commenting on their hairstyle & clothing. I know, little girls often wear fun stuff and it's easy to comment on. But it tells her, and the little boys nearby, that girls should be valued first and foremost for their looks. Instead, try things like "What kind of toy is that? That looks fun, what is it? Are you reading any good books? What's your favourite subject in school? What kind of things do you like to do? Do you have a favourite animal? May I ask your advice, should I purchase the apples or the grapes?" There are so many things to talk about. 11. When a woman is walking alone and you end up walking behind her- especially in dark or secluded areas- please slow down to increase the distance between you, or, better yet, cross the street. Literally go out of your way to help her feel that you're not following her. 12. Teach your elders to do better. Pervy Grandpa and Racist Grandma might seem harmless at Xmas dinner but as their health declines, they will largely end up being cared for by women and POC who don't deserve dehumanizing treatment. Call it out. You can teach old dogs* new tricks, and you should definitely try. (*Someone below pointed out that this metaphor, equating the elderly to dogs, is disrespectful. I agree with them. I'm not deleting it because hiding mistakes is creepy. I'm sorry I spoke disrespectfully about elderly people- that's a proverb that I'll quit using.) 13. Don't argue so much in conversations around types of oppression that you don't personally experience. Keep an eye open for our culture's gross habit of putting the onus on the oppressed persons to dredge up their pain for inspection (only for us to then dismiss it as "just one instance which they probably either caused or misinterpreted anyway"). Instead, try this- if you don't believe something is an issue, use the Googles. Find, say, three articles *written by people in that demographic*, and read them. Look for patterns in their analyses. You'll find that these ideas aren't weird militant fringe notions- oppression is a widely-accepted and statistically-supported phenomenon and a lot of insightful people are talking about it. Avoid the hot takes and go to the source- the people who experience the issue firsthand. 14. If you feel uncomfortable during conversations about sexism (or racism, or ableism, or cultural appropriation, or whatever- because all these systems are related, google "kyriarchy" to learn more), the only correct response is to be quiet and listen and try to focus on the topic at hand rather than centre your own feelings. It's hard. It's worthwhile. Thanks for trying to be decent men. We see you.