#anyway I procrastinated doing real life work to write this so that's why I didn't bother doing like. actual research

[tenthhdoctor]

I started re-watching Evilive, so here's something that I looked into a year ago, didn't write down anywhere, and then forgot about until now.

So Han Dong Soo got suspended for three years, right? And we find out why in Episode 4:

So. I'm like 99% certain this is referencing this specific part of Article 91 of the Attorney At Law Act, which states:

'(2) The grounds for disciplinary actions provided for in subparagraphs 2 through 5 of Article 90 shall be as follows:

3.Cases where an attorney-at-law engages in conduct which damages his or her dignity as an attorney-at-law, regardless of whether such conduct is committed on or off duty.

[Source. Alternative source at 4.4.1.1. Also see page 10 here.]

And what is Article 90? Well, Article 90 states: 'Types of disciplinary actions against attorneys-at-law shall be classified into the following five categories:

1.Permanent disbarment; 2.Disbarment; 3.Suspension from practicing for not longer than three years; 4.Administrative fine not exceeding 30 million won; 5.Censure.' [emphasis added]

[Source.]

So, like, Han Dong Soo didn't have to be suspended for three years. He may not have even needed to be suspended at all, possibly he could have just been reprimanded (if Moon Sang Guk's involvement hadn't made the entire situation a farce to begin with).

No wonder Han Dong Soo was so angry. I'd be pissed too!

[Sidenote: It looks like the Attorney At Law Act has been amended a LOT over the years, but I can't figure out if articles 90 & 91 were around when Han Dong Soo was going through his disciplinary proceedings in 2005. I think so, but it looks like they were amended in 2008? Idk lol]

[diodellet]

try wishing for it: magical girl au ~author's note~

warning for: Puella Magi Madoka Magica spoilers and more yandere headcanoning

Read the fanfic first before you spoil yourself on my rambling 😇

I did not expect to be able to transition from draft to posting that quickly for a fic of this length (or maybe it just felt faster because the stars aligned for my motivation and brainworms to work together? who knows)

Will I ever continue this AU? Maybe if I get clubbed in the head by more Scarabia brainworms, I might write oneshots/short scenes, but I don’t see myself writing for any of the other twst charas.

Anyways onto the ramblings galore:

Inspirations:

The verse that the fic’s title is ripped from goes: “Saying, ‘it’s like magic!’ / immersed in this sensation, even if I try wishing for it, / I know it’s nothing but playing with dolls //” (tl credits to Releska).

Tbh, analyzing poetry/song lyrics isn’t my biggest strength, but I know that Mahou Shoujo, as a genre, tends to touch on themes of adolescence like innocence vs. jadedness in the face of the real world and its many issues, just stepping into and growing out of adolescence as one of those uncomfortable transitions in life.

Stepping into young adulthood is scary, and most people my age don’t even know what the hell they’re doing. So for Reader, I gave them that highschooler-trying-to-be-capable-and-mature persona, with a tinge of anxieties that a young person would have.

*I’ll elaborate more on the Puella Magi inspirations in a later section, but yes, that was also a major inspiration for this fic

Vagueness:

Compared to my usual long-winded writing style, this fic ended up a bit more short and ambiugous in its prose. Partially because I didn’t want to procrastinate on writing this by rewatching my favorite Mahou Shoujo franchises.

(but also mainly because partial aphantasia lets gooo, detailed visuals are not my strong suit, I’m leaving Reader’s outfit and weapon blank for people to insert anything they’d like)

I mainly wanted to emphasize the character moments between Reader and Kyubey!Scarabia, which ended up becoming more conflicting and interesting than I initially drafted.

(It helps that Jamil is a shady guy, he set up the foreshadowing on his own. Kalim on the other hand, my god, maybe it's just me but I had a harder time characterizing. Why is he so loud and friendly, it makes his manipulation so much more covert grr)

Gold (and Red, I guess):

I lied, there was one visual aspect I wanted to highlight throughout the story, which were Scarabia’s trademark colors of gold and red. Anything gold mentioned in the fic is traced back to them. So every moment of Kalim and Jamil using magic, Reader’s magic, the bangle that Jamil gifts them, the wraith in the beginning having a (formerly) gold collar. (I would've added a description of something gold on each wraith, but I didn't want to be too heavy-handed with the repetition.)

(yes i had thoughts of jamil just giving them a golden collar…but ooo…held off on that instead, it could be a standalone what-if scenario…a corruption arc premise…ooo…someone remind me about this, i might forget)

I also mention jamil++the color red in this fic because I had to put Snake Whisper in, I can’t not 🙈

(that bit of kalim’s healing magic was me trying to make a reference to Oasis Maker, it feels a bit scuffed to me, but i don't think he’d ever get the urge to drown the world. truly sunshine boy's such a covert yandere it almost made me tear my hair out)

Kyubey!Scarabia, Some Difficulties and Omissions:

In Puella Magi, the little satanspawn named Kyubey is actually short for “Incubator,” who hails from an alien civilization tasked with preventing the heat death of the universe. Turns out the emotions of teenage girls is a very potent energy source. So he turns girls into magical girls to fight Witches and when those magical girls succumb to despair, they become the very thing that they fight against, producing vast amounts of energy for them to use.

(Though I changed it from ‘Witches’ to ‘Wraiths’ for this fanfic. I also did away with the Witches’ Labyrinth to lessen the amount of exposition. I jus think Witches work better in a visual medium.)

Another standout characteristic of Kyubey is his eerie sense of apathy to the characters’ suffering, which was Difficult to incorporate into Kalim since that guy’s got buckets of empathy. Until I realized that i could spin this into a kind of “warped” love.

Kalim loved each and every magical girl that he’s worked with, and of course he gets sad that they eventually become a wraith. But as an Incubator, his grieving is more akin to a rich person feeling sad over the death of a pet. He’s very quick to turn his attention to the next shiny thing (that’s you/Reader! Ain’t that great!🥴)

Also @jessamine-rose gave me this hc of Kalim amassing little trinkets from every magical fighter, like a ribbon accessory or a piece of their wand, collecting these little charms. Just, the idea of him saying that he’ll cherish Reader’s own treasure, and the way that could go from reassuring to chilling. (now i’m spreading that hc to yall instead of pingponging it in my brain😇)

On the idea of Jamil and love, I think he just loves holding power over magical girls #MegalomaniacThingz (ignore that growing fondness in the fever scene, he was just playing the part of helpful familiar or sumn /shrug)

There's definitely room for some kind of intense fascination to reader, knowing that they surprised him with their resilience. Yeah sorta like Tokyo Mew Mew's Ichigo and Quiche...

(i was crying so hard at having to axe forehead kissies for the second time, but it was a necessary omission😔)

Misc. Extras:

As a palate cleanser, just imagine plush ball!jamil carrying a plastic bag twice his size… (i was struggling with the dialogue during that fever scene, this was how i kept myself from spiraling too far)

In line with the genie of the lamp story, Kyubey!Scarabia gets the three wishes for their magical girls, with the third wish eventually corrupting the magical girl into a wraith.

I guess the other dorms would have something unique for the magical girls that they create? (not having wi-fi for the past few days gave me some half-baked ideas)

Like Heartslabyul imposing a rigid set of rules on their magical girls, which are of course rigged against the inherently flawed nature of humans and their emotions.

Savanaclaw and Pomefiore are similar, you fight until you can’t. Or in Pome’s case, you fight until you become an unrecognizable monster.

I imagine that Octavinelle and Ignihyde are the most similar to the original Kyubey of Puella Magi. You make a wish, fight the wraiths, reap the consequences of a wish, and eventually succumb to the vicious system they have laid out. Only Octavinelle’s version is Sayaka Miki-core, while Ignihyde’s plays out like a video game-ified version of Hercules’ trials. (Also, Ignihyde deffo keeps a compendium of each magical girl and wraith).

For Diasomnia, it could kinda follow Sleeping Beauty's plot, where there's a curse that the magical girl has to work against, while being aided with blessings from the fairies/Malleus' retinue (tho in this case, i guess Malleus ends up being revealed as the one creating the wraiths?)

tl;dr: This fic was so fun to write, I can almost forgive the usual agonies that plague me. I'm a writer who heavily prefers soft worldbuilding. Scarabia makes me so ill.

tagging: @viperwhispered @twstgo

[sillybeansss]

HAHA! my response is even LATER! i dont know of thats worthy of an apology or start of a competition, uhm…sorry i was recovering from the finale of the greatest show to ever exist…

and im proud of YOU! i dont exactly know what your school life is like, of course, but from what youve told me, im proud of you for not giving into terrible/annoying people! they mostly just want a reaction out of you. and your patience with them is admirable, even if they do piss you off at times. your outlook on school is amazing, and, i applaud you on that!!

youre right, i am a little bit thrilled, arent i? ill consider it! i just have to wait until i can see my friend again i suppose…

also being a procrastinator is so real!!!  OUGH AND I HAVE A LOT OF FIXATIONS…those take up 99.99999999% of my time asides from sleeping but even then its not like o can escape my interests in my dreams sometimes either…so i get you 💔💔💔 tje struggle is REAL but unfortunately i have no motivation. i also want to draw a few hetalia things but im REALLY art blocked so writing is my bbg now…because i like to suffer creatively twice and drown myself in ideas i will probably never execute…

and yeah!!! optimism honestly makes me feel do much better and happier…healthier, too. sometimes i (almost. so close…yet so far) feel like i can take on anything, and, as per a certain cuban saying: eat the world! and ever since i tried having a positive mindset, although i still slip into my bits of melancholy and am still a bit depressive (not as in im diagnosed…as in, miserable/sad) i notice that ive been more optimistic without even having to force it sometimes and it??? catches me off guard because il used to expecting the worst like. wow. the first thing that came to my mind wasnt to panic or cry?

also yeah youre right!!! ehm. i mean, i dont expect much from the guys in my class, though. theyre all perverts except for like one ://

which is too bad but its not like id like them anyway, i guess.

i dont know what your classmates are like, again, but i think its safe to assume theyre like mine because all middle schoolers are perverted and cringey…

~🫶🏽🎳

ACK HI SILLY WAVESS!!! missed ya!!:3

That first part made me giggle AND PROCRASTINATION IS SUCH AN ASSS especially with interests like I've been meaning to read this book during break but I only just remembered it cause I've been SOOOO consumed with hetalia like the fixation is so big it's broken through art block somehow like I mean procrastination is still there cause this Switzerland drawing took what felt like a day which I didn't expect but it was cause nice was procrastinating too much ://

AND YAY!!! Optimism is great I try to be optimistic but it's hard to control my emotions so sometimes i feel so helpless but me and my therapist are trying to work on that and bluh bluh bluh therapy stuff but yeah I dont know what I was gonna say,, that reminds me my mom is gonna try and book an autism assessment for me eventually that's cool right!! It makes me nervous to think about it but why worry about something when there many sources to ease said worries yk? That made no sense me thinks sorry if I'm rambling!!

ALSOOOO HRUU!!!!

[evilichu]

it's been a really long time since the last time i posted anything on this blog. like, really long. 2023 i think. maybe i should do an update but i have other things in my mind right now and i need to write them down just to clear my head.

topics -- self esteem issues, my relationship, college.

self esteem issues: i have let myself go. i don't even know what to say other than that. i'm very aware that i have a troubled relationship with food and weight in general, but it's been hitting me really hard lately; not because i've been restricting but the opposite. since i'm stressed i look for comfort in food and i can feel my belly growing bigger and my clothes feeling smaller. i'm getting so much fatter and i can barely look at myself in the mirror anymore. it's so fucking disgusting. but i can't stop eating, it's all i ever do. it's just so comforting, until i'm done eating and the realizations sets in and i wanna die. it's affecting my social anxiety as well, since i feel disgusting and look disgusting i obviously don't want anyone to see how bad i look. anytime i'm out i'm sure everyone can tell that i look a lot fatter than i used to and that i'm disgusting. i don't even wanna weigh myself in fear of the numbers that it might show me. god. anyway. that's topic one.

my relationship: my ex and i got back together. maybe some day i'll make a whole post about it but for now that's it. my attachment issues have resurrected because of it. i don't wanna blame the relationship in itself, but i did feel a shift in my mental health as soon as we went back together. we've been together almost a month now and things changed rather quickly. as time goes on he is getting more and more used to being with me and he's becoming less romantic. i'm aware that relationships lowkey work like that, you get used to the person but it doesn't mean you love them less. but i'm not like that at all, i think. i think about him all the fucking time even after a month and i wanna tell him i love him all the time and how pretty he is and all of that, and the only thing stopping me is that i think it would annoy him. i feel like it's unfair in some way, he started being so sweet and attentive with me and making me feel loved just to drop the act in like two weeks and now i can't even complain cuz he is "too busy". weren't you "too busy" two weeks ago too? it's not like you got a new job or promotion, you're doing the same thing but two weeks ago you'd take a minute to text me how much you miss me and now you simply don't. AND I KNOW! I KNOW THIS IS SUCH A NON-ISSUE! but that's what i mean, the attachment issues. if i wasn't so emotionally invested in every single little thing, if my entire mood didn't depend on three words written in a message app, then i would be absolutely fine. but i care, i care so fucking much and i feel so abandoned all the time. and i've been crying so much. and i'm putting too much pressure on him and i can't stop thinking that he's gonna dump me any day now. which, fair enough, but I CANNOT STOP. ugh.

college: i'm in college now and i'm a failure. i had never expected to be this bad at studying and it's affecting my pride so much. i can't focus for shit and i procrastinate so much it's embarrassing. i don't even know why i thought i could do this. i have my first real exam tomorrow and i am not ready at all and i can't study. i don't know what am i going to do. it's crazy.

i've been so angry at myself for all of these reasons that i am genuinely thinking of cutting again. i just can't take it. i don't wanna disappoint anyone, least of all my therapist (the only person i wouldn't be able to lie to) but i don't know what to do. i am so fucking angry that i can't do anything right and i'm fucking my own life up: my weight, my relationship, my career, i can't do it right. i feel like i do deserve the punishment.

but you know, that's my mental health for you.

[vampish-glamour]

I know you're not a self help blog, but do you have any tips regarding how to deal with procrastination? Like a have a very important examen coming in a week and I had the whole year to study for it. And guess what I DIDN'T. And I still don't and I'm gonna fail.

I think I have a problem...

Hi! I’m probably not the best person to ask, because I have a huge problem with procrastination too. Even with stuff I want to do! If there’s a task, I’m almost guaranteed to procrastinate.

It’s really hard not to procrastinate with stuff like what you’re describing; where you have a bunch of time so it’s easy to put things off for later. Trust me, I do this all the time. I’ll go “oh, that’s not until then, I’ll do it later!!” And then I forget about it, often subconsciously on purpose, and the “later” becomes the week or even night before.

First and foremost, break the task apart into smaller tasks!

It’s much easier to get something done if it’s not this huge thing looming over you. So instead of “study for exam”, which is big and overwhelming, and also vague—which makes it easy to ignore or not know where to start, break it down into “read chapter 1 of textbook”, or “read pages 10-15”. Once you’re done that, make it “read chapter 2” or “read pages 16-20”. And just keep doing this until you’ve studied everything you need to study.

This helped me a lot, because now I’m not freaking out about this huge thing that needs to get done, and “holy shit where do I start”. Because I have a starting point, and a roadmap of how I’m going to finish.

I find writing things down helps, because then it’s on paper and not just tucked away in your mind for you to forget. Bullet journals can help with this…

…but if you’re like me, that bullet journal will become useless because you’ll never open it. (Mine has not been touched for months lmao. And since I’m a major perfectionist, setting up pages is very tedious since I turn it into an art project. I’ll try again, but make it as simplistic as possible)

Currently what I have, is a sticky note wall. It’s just the section of wall right next to my desk, and I have little labels to sort things by topic to organize it. So I can just write down tasks that need to get done, slap it underneath the topic it falls under (so for example, your “study for exam” would fall under “school”), and it’s there, staring me in the face. This makes it harder to forget what you have to do.

You could also do this with a bulletin board, but I have one of those and I use it much less than sticky notes. Since it’s just so easy to slap a sticky note up and take it off when you’re done with it, without having to worry about pins lol. My bulletin board is mostly for long term things. But it really comes down to personal preference.

Additionally, I’ve heard people recommend setting yourself deadlines and writing them all down together. Make yourself a planner that you can slap up along with the sticky notes, with set dates that you should have parts of whatever it is you’re doing done by.

With studying, the tasks needed to complete could be page numbers, chapters, topics, etc. So your planner could be pages you need to have read by a certain date, for example.

This isn’t something I have implemented for myself yet, and I mostly do it with the sticky notes. So I’ll break the task down, and write the first little task on the sticky note, then when I complete that task I take it down and replace it with the next one. I find this less overwhelming than having everything laid out in front of me, because it sort of tricks me into feeling like there’s not as much work to be done if I’m just focusing on the smaller tasks instead of the large one. But I do think it would be helpful to have a list of things I need to get done and their deadlines in one place.

And for deadlines, since I don’t have them written down all in one place, I mostly just use personal goals. So I’ll set the goal of “I want to have this done by Tuesday next week” for example, and having that goal can be a bit of motivation.

Tbh this is a bit of a flimsy system though, since it’s not as set in stone as it would be in writing. Which is why I do have the goal of finding a system that works for me where I can have everything in one place. Making lists in a bullet journal worked for me, the only downfalls were my perfectionism and forgetting to actually use the bullet journal. So I’ll work on ways to fix that.

A channel that I’ve found helps with these sorts of problems is HowToADHD. I’m not sure if I have ADHD or not, since I’m going through the diagnosis process, but the tips are helpful anyways. And I do know that people who don’t have it use the channel as a resource, since you can take the tips that apply to you and utilize them. Here’s a video she did on procrastination! She even starts the video off noting that the tips are helpful to both people with and without ADHD. So it really is a helpful tool for anybody.

On that note; if procrastination is a big problem for you to the point that it’s interfering with your daily life, I would recommend seeking out professional help. Because there could be something going on executive dysfunction wise.

Tl;dr/short version of tips;

BREAK THE TASK DOWN INTO SMALLER TASKS. I can’t stress how helpful this has been for me. It gives you a place to start, and makes everything seem much less overwhelming.

Write stuff down!! It’ll help you remember that it’s something you need to get done.

Leave this written form somewhere you can see it! Don’t tuck it away in a drawer, because then you’re going to forget about it and there was no point to writing it down in the first place.

Set yourself deadlines, and write them down so they feel more real and motivate you to get the job done.

Use sticky notes as reminders of what you need to do.

Other options are bulletin boards and bullet journals/planners. Depends on personal preference

Have a list of everything you need to do all in one place (like the bullet journal or planner)

I really hope this wasn’t too all over the place, and that at least some of the advice helps! 💖

I understand what you’re going through, so I hope you can find something that works for you, because procrastination is a bitch to deal with. But there’s ways to manage it, and if the things I’ve suggested don’t work for you, there’s lots of YouTube channels or other resources online (I’m sure there’s even books) that can offer other solutions! Best of luck!! 💕

[arriving-hell-on-heels]

We need to bring the old tumblr traditions back.

I don't really know why, maybe because this is the only thing similar to a home I have ever had, or because the most intelligent and beautiful person I currently know seems to be as fascinated with the concept of this hellsite as I have been for the past ten years -- even as he has no idea of all the negative aspects of it--, but I've been feeling a lot of nostalgia lately for what this site used to be to me, and for what I was when I was active and nearly addicted to scrolling through the endless streaming of bullshit that i could find throughout it. I miss it, I miss the community that we used to have in here even if it could get extremely dangerous and toxic at times it still was the place where I met some of my oldest friends, it was the place where I could express myself or at least where I felt I could express myself the best at some point. Even if I don't really know what that means to me, or if I ever knew at all.

Right now I honestly don't know what's real. I'm trying to survive in the "real world" but I have absolutely no idea what that entails and I feel like a failure every single day of my life. The people around me also don't help, I thought I had found someone who understood me, or who at least would make an effort to, but later I realized I was wrong. I have no idea what makes me happy anymore, but I know I miss this hellhole every single day of my life because at least here I could find some kind of relief and inspiration to do things for myself, at least then I could identify if I liked something and I'd reblog it or if I didn't and then I'd just ignore it. At least then I could think of things I wanted to say, and express from time to time, and I could find some sort of inspiration for what I wanted to do. When this was my life, when I used it as a guideline I at least felt like a part of me was alive and I wasn't only trying to copy people to stop feeling so empty all the time.

This maybe has become more of a diary entry than an actual post about how the site has changed, but honestly, I don't care, not like anyone is gonna read it anyways. I just want to think of things I'm able to articulate as even that has become impossible to me in the past few years. I don't even know if I've ever been able to do so and when I have I honestly have no idea how I managed to do so.

I don't feel as hopeless as I felt at some point. I don't feel as a strong desire to end everything as I had at some point but at the same time I don't feel a drive to live and do things either. I can't identify what I would want to do if I even attempted to do the things I like. I know I'm passionate, I know a lot about random stuff and I know that when I start on one of the things I know about I pretty much lecture on the topic but at the same time I feel like I've changed a lot of those passions to try to fit into what is "functional" or "useful" because all I know about are random topics like the history of the internet, very old and useless memes that no one remembers. I'm supposed to know how to write, made a whole career on that, but I can't bring myself to do so most of the time, cuz I can't find a topic, or I procrastinate and get distracted and not even the topics I enjoy help me concentrate enough to finish something.

So I'm working on my mental health to try to work something out, but feeling so empty and useless doesn't help out. I finally got my ADHD diagnosed which is pretty much a milestone to me, I always have known that's something I needed, but at the same time I can't find things that seem enjoyable enough to get me out of bed or the house most days.

I also feel like I have no friends, and the few friends I have never have time to spend with me so I should just focus on myself but who is that? what do I want? what do I enjoy? how do I do things when nothing seems worth it? I feel so exhausted all the time and I've lost all the people I love because they expect me to get out of my slump, to get out of my depression but nothing seems to motivate me enough to stand up and live.

I know I want to live, but I don't know how. and I want to stop trying to do it because other people seem to expect me to, I even stopped drinking and smoking weed to let my medicine work as it should but now it only seems as if I have no way out of the shitty places of my brain.

I want to stop blaming others, stop expecting people to help me get out of the places my brain drives me to, but I feel as if doing so would only drive me further into being desolate, because if the only person I'm left with is myself... and I've been the one driving myself into all of these messes how am I supposed to trust that I'll be able to handle it without someone telling me they'll help me.

I'm tired of my own incompetence. Been trying to learn things, but then again there's a lot I can't seem to memorize or understand, and that frustrates me. It frustrates me to no end to be unable to just know.

[ylwgalaxy]

diaries of an unknown rockstar - press play

Diaries of an Unknown Rockstar.

PRESS PLAY

Pt.1

It is funny the way we dream. One day is ecstasy, the other frustration, or just working your ass off to get there. I guess maybe those are the three moods of a dreamer. Now, at 24 years old, I look back to the younger me and understand the feeling of not fitting in the models of society in a certain way.

You grow up listening, "you need to study to get in a good college, and after that, you'll have at least half of the way guaranteed. A great job, you will probably get to buy a house, build a new family." I quite never understood this model.

To begin with, I have never appropriately studied, and I still don't get how the teachers let me pass all those years. Maybe I was funny, and my friends said I was dedicated when the rope was tight in my neck.

When I got to college, I thought that all of my school's frustrations would be gone because I was coursing something I felt I wanted since I was seven, and life would get way better. I won't lie, It was terrific. I evolved a lot as a human being, but comparison and the feeling of never doing something extraordinary or good enough haunted me all of those four years.

During college, I started working, and my first real job was as an intern in a small female fashion brand. The job was being The Owner's right arm and helping her with everything possible. It was a massive growth in adult life and a considerable experience understanding the fashion industry and what happens behind product development. But guess what? Two months later, I got fired because I said I did the work, but in fact, I didn't. I didn't because I have slept, and she caught my foolish and childish lie. Yes, sleeping and lying about it got me fired.

Going home knowing that the reason why I got fired was 100% my fault was painful and worse of all, I mistreated myself a lot because I had sleeping problems, which soon I found out that this was self-defense that my body and mind created for me to deal (in a way) with my emotions.

Anyway, I kept going. I was far away from the best student in class, but I was good, creative, and still wanted to be a big employee, work in a big company, grow in the company, and be the most significant model I could ever be. I manage to achieve some parts of this sequence.

In my last year of college (2018), I got into an internship program in one of the biggest Fashion Companies in the country. I was thrilled. I managed to be the chosen one among thousands of applicants. That was Christmas for my ego! And I will never forget the day of the final interview. I fell in love with the company and came home saying, "Oh, I want to work here so bad!"

So I did, and I have learned a lot. I managed to work in the most prominent teams of the company, know outstanding professionals and people that I will forever carry. I became an assistant. Then I just noticed that I hated what I did.

I was a robot. I did the same things every day (very dull things, if you don't know what a tech pack or licensing submissions are, consider yourself lucky), those things were things that I knew I would have to do for a long time if I wanted to keep on in the company and grow. But voices in my head were always screaming: "Is this worth it?" "Is this what you want?" and the answer was always " I don't know."

I didn't know much about myself, but I knew that I loved to draw, create, start new ideas and projects that mattered. Still, most of all, I loved coming home and playing my guitar and write about feelings, and I noticed that this part of me was fading away as I was getting lost in myself and my unknown purpose.

So one day, I woke up and started looking for music production courses. I sent a message to an old Singing Teacher of mine where he said he had a friend who had a studio and wanted to start giving music production classes, so he passed me the contact. So I talked with the guy, which name was Gustavo.

Gustavo answered me quickly and graciously and invited me to come to the studio, which I thought was a garage with few things. But as I got there and sat in the controlling room where he edited and produced music, I fell in love, not the same feeling from the time I got into the company. I felt something beyond it, something that I never felt before. I felt connected. I kept asking myself mentally: "WTF are you doing that you are not here?!"

As I talked to Gustavo and said, "Hey man, I want to know how to produce!!!!!" and he looked at me in an icy and severe way, asking: "ok, what do you know about music?". Have you ever had that moment when you think you know a lot, but you don't? That was the moment for me. I play the guitar since I was 11. I knew theories like the Pentatonic and Diatonic scale and major and minor chord progressions, which I thought was enough. How naive was I? A lot.

As I enrolled in a short Ableton live program, I could understand a little bit of electronic music production and that good music production required time, practice, and many studies. Which at that moment, I was not that committed to doing so.

2020 came out, and I was still working like a robot, but at least I had amazing people by my side and was sometimes making music. Also, I was planning to go to England by the beginning of September to course a Master in Illustration at Camberwell College of arts. I had applied and passed my IELTS tests. Everything was going ok, until the one and only: Corona Virus.

What I (and everybody) thought was going to be 15 days is still lasting. One year and a half, I passed through the most significant change in my life (not just me, I believe). When it all started, I was just comfortable with everything, my job, my life, where I was going when everything pass, but it came to a point where I couldn't stand looking at my computer.

Every move, word, e-mail was torture. I was working thousands of hours, and most of the time, I procrastinated because I didn't want to do it. The worst of all was that my work wasn't good, and I knew it. I knew that I was delivering wasn't my best because I wasn't willing to do my best anymore. I lost the energy or the meaning behind that job.

During this turbulent relationship between me and my job, I watched videos on youtube, and one specific video calls out to me. It was an effortless and small live performance of MGK in February 2016 at a CD Store. It is a video where you have just Colson (MGK) and three guys from his crew playing for some people, but the way he was committed to his music and expressing himself lighted up my mind, making me think: I want to do this.

So I made up the decision, I want to be an artist, I want to make music this is my dream, but at the same time all the bad voices in my head were like: " You won't make it, it is impossible to live with that, what will your parents say? They can't afford to pay for your failures anymore. They won't help you." So I planned until I was brave enough to do so.

August 21st, 2020 I've quit my job, sold my car - which was the only thing I had in my name - and put the plan in action. The plan was to save the money to move to England by March 2021 and pursue my music career. Guess what happened? No, it didn't go like planned, I am not in England or very close to going, and yes, I went out of money, but I have started my career on the right foot in a very odd way.

So summing up, I was not a good student, but I manage to pass one of the most significant Art Colleges in my country. I worked in one of the biggest companies, but I was following a pattern that I never understood in the end.

The fact is: I am still figuring out life, and what I see is that there is no formula and the only thing guaranteed is the air you breathe to live. In 2020 I dug up my biggest dream, and I am not giving up. The main goal: Create music/art and Be a Rockstar.

People say we should write our own stories, so I'll be here writing mine.

This is the Diaries of an Unknown Rockstar, so press play.

Thank you for being here.

Ella YLW

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

INFP 4w5 back :) Thanks for answering things! I'm sorry I didn't give enough information to actually have you help me - I will do so now! I am 24. I love reading stories, both for the emotional connection to characters, and then fun of imagining myself in their adventures (I mainly read fiction). I am an artist and a writer - I do so because I enjoy expressing my views, experiences, and insights in beautiful/interesting/creative ways. I also love the act of creating in general - my mind is very

INFP cont: busy, and it helps me either slow that down or connect my brain to my body (I admittedly spend way more time in my head, but working with my hands and brain at the same time helps me feel connected to the outside world). 

So before I go on: this was a very long ask and I will therefore be ‘interrupting’ throughout in bold for my typing logic rather than rephrasing stuff down at the bottom.

Placing yourself in the story: that’s often the goal of stories anyway (and why self-insert is a whole thing) but it is consistent with Fi. Self-expression is something a lot of people like but it is particularly important to 4s. Brain-body connection as described here makes me think more Ne-Si axis but it’s hard for me to quite articulate why so...don’t quote me.

I like hanging out with my family and close friends - I hate being in crowds or in the spotlight. I find them overstimulating but also boring and I don't know what to do with body or what to say.

Pretty consistent for introverts who are intuitive (not just introverts who are intuitive but I’m going into this assuming it’s an INFP vs. INFJ thing unless I see blatant evidence for high Si or Se which so far I don’t.

I love being in nature - this is a new thing though, noticing nature for itself has only started happening since I was 20. I always liked the way it made me feel but didn't pay much attention to it in a sensory way until recent years. Now I love how peaceful and happy it makes me, how physically beautiful it is, but also all the ideas it generates in me - I think everything in nature is a symbol for something and it so fun trying to guess what those things are, or to make art out of things I find in the woods.

Could be either Ne-Si or Ni-Se for what it is; the age of onset is making me think tertiary sensing, plus the guessing the symbol rather than being more decisive makes me think Ne.

I also really love history and fantasy. History because I ideloize old ways of doing things (like gardening, pioneering, etc) ideal and exciting. I try to incorperate those things into my life and would like to be a homesteader or live in a bus one day, because it feels really free, and also I think connects us back to the way humans are meant to live.

Idolization of an idealized past is often weaker Si (nostalgia/sentimentality are often low Si things, contrary to popular belief that it’s higher Si. Seriously, talk to the average ESTJ, they have no nostalgia unless something changed drastically for the less efficient.)

I care a lot about people and social justice, but it tires me out, so I don't actually spend a lot of time engaging. I like listening to my friends and helping them sort out their feelings. I used to be really bad at DOING things for my friends, but I started to realize it was hurting them, so I am trying more and more to not just be a listening ear, but actively engage in their lives. I'm always torn between wanting to help people and make the world a better place, and just being free and doing what I want and find life giving.

At this point I’m already as you can tell leaning towards INFP much more. This also seems more INFP, with your Fi slowly realizing and maturing to a point where you are better able to care for others and meet them on their terms rather than your own.

I think A LOT, and I am very interested in understanding theories, concepets, anazlying people.

All intuitives like concepts, and while I dislike the assertion that introspection is the sole purview of introverts or intuitives, they definitely do it a lot.

Why I'm wondering if I might be an INFJ instead of an INfP? Mainly because two people I respect mentioned they thought I might be.

Yeah...without more than just “caring & empathetic” I wouldn’t put too much weight on it.

I had always thought I was just an INFP (MAYBE an ISFP, but I don't feel like a doer enough or in touch enough with the physical world - other then finding it super beautiful and day dreaming about it).

I’d agree, I’m really not getting much Se from your asks.

But they specifically thought my Fe seems very high - I am emotionally expressive, I care a lot for others, and I'm very sensitive to the emotional feel of people/places/situations.

So, sensitive to the emotional feel and emotional expressiveness are just feeler things. Without rephrasing the whole Fi/Fe post I always refer back to, I find that while high Fi users’ feelings tend to come from a more internalized place sometimes or are less typical in some of their reactions, they still are pretty emotionally expressive especially compared to your average thinker. There are a lot of very reserved IxFJs and very expressive IxFPs and the uneven stereotypes of constantly crying INFPs/IxFJs hiding their emotions for the sake of harmony hammer that point home.

I also tend to get hunches about situations and people, like what might happen or that I should/shouldn't do something, or about why someone is upset/happy, and am right pretty often (is that maybe dom Ni? with some Fe? or is that also Ne?)

Hunches can be anything; intuition is specifically preferring them over physical evidence (sensing is the opposite, so sensors often ignore their hunches if there’s evidence otherwise). Hard to tell because hunches are also related to thin slicing in neuroscience which is just a brain thing. Also this can be Si that you don’t realize is working - like, you’ve seen it before, but don’t consciously realize it.

I also wonder if my constant thinking and trying to figure things out (like obsessively trying to figure out my type) is Ti?

Eh, humans are curious and we all like to think. Ti is a specific approach to logic that for some reason got credit for way more (hint it was David Keirsey)

And I love talking about my feelings and am very comfy with it, which apparently lots of INFPs aren't?

Some aren’t, some are, see stuff above re: emotional expressiveness.

I also avoid conflict in public - I don't avoid it at all with my family, I avoid it moderately with good friends, and won't get into public debates. However, I will speak up in public if I think someone is doing something really wrong.

Could be enneagram 9 which is pretty common in Fi doms; it’s also just part of upbringing, that it’s not polite to start an argument in a lot of social situations, but okay with people you’re close with or if it’s something egregious.

I feel like I have a hard time expressing my opinions well verbally (Im fine writing), and it makes me afraid I won't say what I actually mean, and I also am afraid of the rage I feel in conflict and don't want to hurt others feelings by unleashing that.

W/r/t expression, that sort of conflicts with some of the emotional expressiveness you’d mentioned earlier, but either way tracks more with introversion than anything else. Fear of strong anger makes me wonder if you’ve enneatyped yourself correctly, though obviously I can’t tell if it’s your greatest fear. But I’d take a seriously look at 9 gut fixes.

I also don't like people trampling on my beliefs, so often just won't express them with those I'm not real close to. But I've read that high Fi users don't avoid conflict, and high Fe users do? And I am very willing to consider other people's points of view and MAYBE change my opinion, but thats pretty rare. I'm also a very empathetic listener - I think before speaking, ask good questions, and make noises to assure them im listening, which Ive also read is Fe. is that enough info?

Not liking people trampling on beliefs is pretty universal - even people who behave in an extreme doormat way usually don’t particularly like it deep down. For conflict avoidance see notes on enneagram 9. Openness to other points of view could come from Ne seeing different options, or Fi accepting other’s opinions as being able to coexist with your own usually; it’s also just a healthy adult thing to do regardless of type. Same goes for listening - those are all learned skills and so ask yourself if you did those when you were younger. I did mostly by the time I was 24 but I sure didn’t when I was 17, whereas people with higher feeling, and to some extent higher Fe more than Fi, tend to pick those up a bit more naturally and therefore earlier.

ah one last thing! I take a very long time to make descions - I want to make sure I'm doing/getting the best/right thing. which also seems not very INFP?

Not sure where you got that idea - indecisiveness until you know the optimum response is EXTREMELY INFP. Specifically Ne.

And I get very afraid of not having the idealized visions and dreams of the future I crave - I'm okay with the exact details being flushed out over time, but there are general dreams I will not give up. I've read thats more Ni then Ne?

It is but given the context of everything else, I think this can come from Fi if you see those dreams as identity, and ultimately everyone has goals and dreams.

Oh shit, thought of more things. I SUCK at finishing things - it takes crazy hard work for me to finish a project. I just get... bored and move on. Or procrastinate because other things are more interesting in the moment. But I'm also fairly academic and analytical - can INFP's be that? I find it very stimulating and when Im interested in a topic I want to learn EVERYTHING about it and understand it fully. And I hate when I have a mental problem that I can't solve. I will obsess.

INFPs can be analytical but it’s not your primary way of going about the world (nor is it for INFJs for that matter). Do you like it a lot in specific, lower-pressure contexts (say, academia)? That can be you exploring lower functions. It’s worth considering how you go about being analytical, and whether it seems more Te or Ti. The unsolved problem issue also depends on context, and learning everything can be Ne wanting all the information to fuel a very divergent thought process.

INFP 1,000: And I forgot the thing. I also orgionally started questioning because of my love for sensing things - I love physical beauty in home decor, nature, clothes, etc, and I love being in nature. When I was a teen and very stressed/unwell I overindulged in sensory things like sex/food/drinking/cutting, because it made me feel alive. In the same way now, engaging my senses in healthy ways makes me feel alive. But I do feel pretty crap at it. Which made me wonder if I had inferior Se.

OK so this isn’t directed at you but good lord does inferior Se get almost as much of a mythical out of proportion blow-out as dom Ni. A lot of inferior Se-credited unhealthy behaviors, while definitely present in dom Ni users, are also fairly universal. Namely, all the sensory things you mention will lead to endorphin rushes (hence the feeling alive - it’s brain chemistry) and all are pretty common coping mechanisms for depression, anxiety, or stress to the point that two of them are on the PHQ-9 depression screening. You would be hard pressed to find someone who’d never indulged in at least one under stress, and most people have indulged in several. This has been my PSA that typing based on inferior Se behaviors is a dangerous game for exactly that reason.

Anyway: overall, I see strong evidence for INFP and I’d look at enneagram 9 for some of the more conflict avoidant parts; perhaps more than 4 even though it could just be a strong 9 gut-fix as the second part of your tritype, and maybe a 5 head fix for the analytical stuff. Unless you have more details on the people who typed you INFJ I can’t really refute their arguments,but I see much more INFP for the reasons above.

[themagicwemade13]

It has taken me a lot of courage to sit here and write this. I've been procrastinating for awhile and honestly dreading a little bit revisiting my emotions for this song. Album 2, Track 7 (Fearless, Breathe). You see, Breathe isn't just another song I relate to. It means more to me than I wish it did, honestly. I haven't listened to Breathe since 2015. I want to be as raw and real as possible in these, so I'll tell you why. I had a best friend from when I was 5 until I was about 25. We were inseparable for all 20 of those years. Whenever we were apart, like college, or family vacations (which half the time one of us was on the other's family vacation), we would constantly be texting. Just in communication all the time, every day. 20 YEARS! This girl was my sister. Often times I felt closer to her than my own family. We just completely got each other, had the same sense of humor, the same quirkiness, and the same outlook on life. It wasn't until she went off to college that things started to shift and change a little bit. We both got into the party "scene" if you will, but she fell a little more into it than I did. She would do hard drugs on and off, and I never once judged her, but her personality was changing. She was losing who she was. And I'm not innocent, I've lost myself before too. I think sometimes it's a necessary part of life and growth. Anyway, things fell apart for her and I gladly without question helped her pick the pieces back up. I thought things were different. But she was constantly judging me for the smallest things, and not being a real friend to me. Still, I'd never give up on her. She was family. I started dating someone new in 2014 (I'm still with him today), and she had a hard time with that, because she had always been the one in the stable relationship and the tables had turned. I don't think she was necessarily jealous, I just know that she found her value through who she was dating. Which is sad in itself. In spite of this, the old her that I had known and loved was starting to shine through again. It made me so happy cause I could see her genuine happiness. It all came crumbling down when a guy she had been casually seeing for a few weeks, didn't want anything to do with her. She lost it and reverted back to using hard drugs, and when I had told her I'd help her, she would get nasty with me. She went to a music festival and sent me snap chats of "snow" on the bathroom calendar, and told me it was snowing in LA. Meaning she was doing coke. I replied that she was better than that and to remember who she is, etc. And in response she said the worst things I had ever heard in my entire life. Things I wouldn't say to my worst enemy, let alone my best friend of 20 years. I waited for an apology the next day, or even week, but that never came. She never reached out to me, I can only assume out of embarrassment. At that point I decided for myself that I couldn't have her in my life anymore. I wasn't giving up on her, I was just choosing my own happiness. It's been 3 years since I've last talked to her, she's reached out over the past year and I've kept the conversations very short, and I've made it clear to her that I'll always be there if she's in trouble or needs anything but that it had become too toxic to my life. I've never regretted this decision, but that doesn't mean I don't miss her at times. I do miss her, terribly. This is why Breathe is so important to me. When I was so sad, and couldn't breathe without my best friend in my life anymore, Taylor got me through it. She reminded me that it's okay to cut toxic people out, even though you can't breathe without them, even though you never thought you would, even though you'd lose in the end. Thank you, Taylor. @taylorswift

My favorite lyrics: Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt. Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve, but people are people and sometimes it doesn't work out, and nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out. And we know it's never simple, never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me, you're the only thing I know like the back of my hand. And I can't breathe, without you, but I have to, breathe without you, but I have to. It's ‪2 am‬, feelin' like I just lost a friend, hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me. @taylornation

I’ve been thinking about doing this for awhile, and now that it’s 2018 and we’re about 4 months away from the start of the reputation tour, and in honor of the End Game music video being released tomorrow, I’ve decided now is the time :). For the next few months, once a day, I’m going to be posting about a song from one of Taylor’s six albums. I’ll write a little blurb about what it means to me, and my favorite lyric from the song. I’m going to start with Taylor Swift and work my way up to reputation and it’ll be a fun kind of countdown to the start of tour! Hope you’ll join me for this emotional ride 😭😍😂😘🙋🏻 @taylorswift @taylornation

See ya tomorrow for my first post! 🎊