#anything would be better than covid i suppose. but i dont wanna be sick AT ALL :( this is my week off

[theygender]

My throat hurts like fucking hell and it's only getting worse and I really hope it's not fucking COVID

[sea-salted-wolverine]

Okay so last week was a shitkicker and was literally so bad I spent the better part of the week trying to delude myself into thinking it was a good day. Like, we're talking, "the sun is shining and I'm here to see it so today is a good day" and "I'm having a bad day- fuck me I am not haveing a bad day- I'm having a good day- I'm not having a bad day". Denial is a powerful tool for mental health, apply judiciously. I get that everyone on earth is kinda having a shitty year but it feels like things just kinda escalated in my little corner

The 7th had a huge snow storm that brought traffic to a stand still. No one could leave the house and university class was online anyway. Batshit customer demanded to pick up her gear anyway. I drove in because I was the only person with keys to the shop that could get to the building. It took me a solid 2 hours going 15mph on the highway. The snow in the parking lot was up past the fenders of my truck. Crazy lady gets 10 out of 18 of her survival suits back but the other 8 still have holes in them because our only repair tech is also the only one who answers the phone or runs the computer or handles customers or cleans or disinfects anything or stores gear. I'll give you one guess who that person is.

Did you guess me? Good for you. Fun fact this was not the case in October.

Crazy lady swans off through the snowed in parking lot and because she cant find the exit, blasts straight through the ditch and onto the road.

I say fuck it and leave. I've been at work for 2 hours. I have made 24 dollars for my trouble. It takes me another hour to get home.

The 8th is Saturday and I'm supposed to be at work. No one can drive. There was another 10 8nches of snow last night. I say fuck work and go to dig out the plow truck. The canopy over the plow truck collapses as I walk out to clear the snow of it.

I do not scream.

My partner and I get the truck running and go plow people out of their driveways and then go do the shop.

We come back home and the heater doesn't work. We just spent most of last week frantically trying to limp the thing along because no heat at -20°F is in a word fucking unpleasant. At least now its 40 degrees warmer because if the snowstorm. We take it apart again. The house smells like diesel. The house smells like exhaust. The house is not cold because the wood stove can keep up at 20 above zero but it won't keep us through the winter.

There is no saving the oil heater. We need a new one.

Its 730 and neither of us have eaten. I start rice in the pressure cooker so I can throw a tasty bite on top and call it dinner and that dies too. Explosively.

Dinner is half cooked rice and microwaved curry.

Sunday is spent finding a way to stretch our increasingly thin budget to buy a new heater. Between us we actually have 2275$ and we will still cover the mortgage. Somehow. All our Christmas gifts will be hand made this year. The next thing that breaks will stay broken.

Monday, power outages due to snow storm. No wifi, no zoom meetings. Another 8 inches of snow. This is now more snow than my city gets for the full year.

My boss calls sobbing. The dog died. Joey, an 11 year old, 130lb mastiff with a tumor the size of a football on his liver has been her constant companion for at least 8 years. The pandemic has confused the bejesus out of him because while he loves the lock down and going out to play every hour or so he doesnt really like the concept of strangers in masks. Hes a guard dog and doesnt understand that men in masks coming into the shop are not here to kill mom they're wearing masks so they don't kill mom.

Mondays the shop is closed anyway and I spend it installing the new heater. It doesn't quite fit in the space the old heater came out of but its warm.

Tuesday, I go to work, everyone cancels class, I once again gently explain to a regular that eugenics is bad. I would like to curse him out. I cant. He drops a grand on scuba gear and leaves, talking about how great his trip to Mexico will be.

I do not scream.

A friend calls to ask how I'm doing. Not great. Yea, her niether. She asks if I want to go out to the backcountry with her over the weekend. I explain that my leg physically does not move and I'm downing copious amounts of advil to remain upright. The doctor sent me in for an MRI but has not yet called back. Plus I'm supposed to go to Valdez for the weekend and actually go diving. That I can do with limited use of my leg.

She says yikes, take it easy, take care of yourself, I love you.

I say, yikes, I'm tired of taking it easy, I wanna play, I love you too.

Hit me up if your plans open up and we can do something gentle on your leg. She says.

God yes. The cold woods away from people sounds like paradise. I dont even care that it will cause me rending physical pain to get there. I need a break.

Its Wednesday. I go to school. I get pulled over. Miraculously I dont get a ticket. I'm white female and conventionaly attractive, maybe not so miraculous. I rolled through a stop sign but I'm pretty sure I couldn't afford a ticket.

I get a text in class. One of the instructors who works with the dive shop has tested positive for covid. I haven't seen the man in 2 months. I needed a spare instructor but he was nowhere to be found. But hey, evidently that's a good thing.

I go to work. I vacillate between doing the job a 4 people and having nothing to do.

I go to the grocery store because I misjudged my last monthly grocery run and even though I'm increasing my exposure I'm out of cheese and tea damnit.

The store is packed. Pandemic who?

My partner and I haven't had a date nite in a while and this week has been shitty. I want a nice dinner. I pick up a couple boxes of the carton sushi which isnt terrible and is about as nice as I can justify on the new budget. I grab a gallon of milk and a few other things. I forgot my wallet in the truck and the cashier is chill and sets my stuff aside while I grab it.

I pay and take my stuff home and realize I left one of my bags at the store. No cheese or tea for me.

Thursday. 10am my phone goes off with an emergency alert. The govoner has grown a spine in light of recent elections and is instituting a voluntary lock down. My state has 500 new cases a day. That might not sound like a lot but theres only 300,000 people in Alaska and we've got poor medical infrastructure.

Unfortunately Alaska is full of Alaskans and nobody can tell us what to do. Nothing changes. 7pm rolls around and I'm teaching scuba classes in the pool.

I load a few hundred pounds of scuba gear into the back of my truck. In a wet wetsuit. In the snow. In a fabric facemask. 6 feet apart. In the pool.

I dont get paid for pool time.

Over the summer we had 6 dive masters including me, all big burly dudes, much better suited to picking things up. Its November and I'm the only one.

The kids I'm teaching are going to Hawaii. They're 10 and 13 and so wildly excited about breathing underwater its beautiful to watch. And they're traveling to an island. In a pandemic.

Friday.

Unload scuba gear so it doesnt get stolen out of the back of my truck while I'm at class. Were doing a make up lab today. Hey of the five student in my class only one of us has covid so theres that.

My boss calls an let's me know that shes left for Valdez without me. If I'd like to make an 8 hour drive by myself in a snowstorm I'm welcome to follow.

I'm in class till an hour before shop closing. I'm not driving across town so I can run on the open sign for half an hour.

The shop stays closed on Friday.

Saturday.

I explained to everyone we had business with that the shop would be closed over the weekend and Friday. I planned on being in Valdez. Hell I canceled plans to be in Valdez.

I open the shop and immediately field calls about why we werent open. I start to explain about the Valdez trip and logistical difficulties and then I realize that shes not mad about that. The woman was here before I opened early this morning. We have never been open that early. The hours are on the door.

A regular comes in. Hes also confused as to why I'm here.

Sunday finds me curled up in bed, reluctant to leave. Getting out of bed has not played out well for me recently.

A friend comes over to chat with my partner about specialist rifle parts. This isnt that wierd, he works at a gun shop and they've been discussing upgrading my partners current rifle set up.

He is wearing a full Scottish kilt. Red tartan. Looks very lovely.

I make zucchini bread and my proportions are a little off because I have too much zucchini so it's a little over moist but it's good. I'm recovering from an asskicker of a week and next week will be better.

Monday morning:

Baby brother has covid

Dads getting the results of his rapid test tonight.

Mom isnt getting tested because she says she doesnt have symptoms but that's not the fucking point mom.

So, I'm not going home for thanksgiving. I'm not diving in Valdez. I'm not skiing backcountry.

I'm not sick. I'm not flat broke yet. I dont have a ticket. I have a job. I have people who care about me. Im managing my physical and mental health as best I can. Im just fucking exhausted.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by BBC News (@bbcnews) on Jun 18, 2020 at 6:02am PDT

Love her... She wears a casa around town in Cuba to remind others to stay home and go out when only necessary, make as few trips as possible and combine all your needs into one trip out.

It says "I'm at home .... "

It also says to me... "Im as safe outside as I am inside my home" it remains not to be in terror of the pandemic. Be comfortable about what the COVID and dangers of racism is out and about. Shit is gonna hit the fan. Be comfortable with it. Its gonna happen and there's no stopping it.

Idk who she is or that she expects her messages to go that far but for me they do.

Cops nervous to go to work. Be as comfortable out as you are in. No one is in those police cars they burn. Take out your personal belongings, be prepared to leave your car if necessary to be burnt.

If you are police all you have to do is Surrender.

You. We.

Its about equality.

The message is: you expect us to surrender to you. So surrender to Me. Give me your name and number. Tell me that you will cooperate and care about me.

Tell me you won't plant drugs on me. Tell me i killed someone of another race that i didn't simply because of the color i am

Treat me fair and with equality to truth and justice.

That is all a police needs to do. Surrender the truth. You ask. You demand. You punish until you find the truth. Make sure it is truth.

Surrender. Feel as we feel. Feel as hundreds of thousands of millions black men near a nervous white woman. But give us just the truth and we will obey your demands 0f "step back" and "move back"

Outside. In the public street. It is our home. Civilians and professionals. Treat us as you would in your home. Because we are all in our home we all share when we are in public.

Love.

That is what this blessed Cuban Woman says to me.

The police merely need to surrender.

The Atlanta PD. I ordered the CIA to inflict terror upon you. Go outside and your police car is in flames. Feet from your unwet down house. I asked them, i told them i demanded. Go fuck them up. They want to tell the public they don't care? Tell them NO ONE CARES ABOUT THEM.

3 have been set on fire. And 17 have been stolen. They decided as a team. On their own. To protect the town's assets in Zone 5. And to steal the police cars. You're not using them you're not qualified. You're unwilling. So they stole them instead. They arent afraid. They will fuck you up and kick your fucking asses. But they respect the Mayor. They're not afraid of her. They aren't afraid of anyone. They know in 15 minutes I'll have them on their way to a private island that is protected by the fiercest military in the world And they will lay around in paradise and no one will ever touch them for legal abuse. But they do respect her.

So they will repair the damage done by hotwiring the police cars and make a key via a locksmith skill for the patrol cars. And they will wait for her to fill them with a qualified officer. Because they respect her. They love Her.

I didn't not love nor respect her But my anger was very very high. And i thought fuck them, I'll buy her whatever police fleets she wants. Cause i want them to suffer.

But they're all "Sabrina, we get you baby but we know something else that's just a bit better for you and we're gonna do that. Its gonna fuck them all up real good and send the message you're saying. But we're gonna be a little bit more chill."

That's love. That's family. They confiscated evidence of these police officers possible wrong doing. A federal judge could and would sign off on the "theft" of those police cars. But we escalated and bypassed.

According to Tree. There's only 5 willing to go back to work. But they're also arrogant fools that tree doesn't even like. But he said leave them be. Let them work.

Leave them be. Bees sting once then die

Leave them alone is another story.

I get it. It was a justified homocide. I feel the same. They talked for over 40 minutes then the cop said i think you're still wasted. Take a breathalyzer. He was still too drunk.

At the same time he was just saying he would just walk. His sister lived down the road. He lied about being lost so he could say mistaken identity. Because he was there to check out for his kidnapping.

Because he knew, the cop, he was a kidnapper -- he felt it unsafe to let him free in the streets.

Watch the video, the entire 40 plus minutes. You will see exactly why I do not allow my CIA to engage in verbal communication.

This is exactly why I tell them "just kill at the first moment you can"

I protect my men and women of "Enforced Protection"

Now add to the knowledge of who he is and look at his necklace. It's designed to look like an undercover police badge in a leather case "to protect it from scratches"

You're on the street. He's drunk and angry. He kidnapps you with chloroform and ties you up, bound and gagged. He's a big man. He can do 23 (it's been proven Bec he's done it) people off the street in less than an hour. Call a van for pick up.

It was a justified homocide.

So you're a cop. And you know this. And You refuse to go to work. You know who and what he was and why he wasn't allowed to be free in the streets.

Then you refuse to continue protecting innocent citizens.

That makes me mad. You're no better than Rayshard Brooks. You're fucking letting it happen. Id fucking punch you dead in the face. All 25 of you.

Why don't you just start going out and kidnapping yourself?!? Huh?!?! You ain't doing shit But letting it happen!!!!

Prove it is justified if you're so fucking angry you wanna quit. Fucking prove it was justified and help them two arrested by doing it yourself.

Prove the justice by killing those human traffickers you know are. Kill them all in your uniform.

Instead you decide to be a civilian and serve war from your couch. Except youre not. You're nothing but a COWARD.

Just sitting on the couch. You're too scared to stand up to the District Attorney or make a meeting with the Mayor. You cower and you hide and you become what you're supposed to protect zone 5 from.

Because you refuse to protect. Every single domestic violence act. Every fire. Every lost child. Every single crime. You put that shit in your heart not that you couldn't get there in time. Not that you couldn't protect them because lies. BUT THAT YOU YOURSELF DID IT. You put that in your heart the moment you called in sick.

You yourself did it. Because people will start doing more bull shit. Because they know THERE IS NO COPS IN ZONE 5. THE PURGE IS ON.

Every single mother fuckera calling in coward crybaby committed those crimes.

It wasn't encouragement. You're guilty because it occurred. Its all on you. Its all your fault.

Next girl slapped by her husband. Or raped by her brother. That's the fault of Zone 5. They did it. May as well pulled out their own dick and got the pleasure. Too.

Its not a gimmick. Its the truth.

When APD of Albuquerque, New Mexico walked out with wooden batons. They too did every bearing by a police officer in a riot. That is who i saw. That is who i know.

I was beat as a little girl. 5 years old. And 7. For going and asking for help. "Sir could you help me..." I never got to finish because i was beat down.

Left bloody in the streets. Even raped and no one did anything. The cops did both..

So yeah FUCK YOU SURRENDER TO OUR DEMANDS OR YOU WILL SUFFER.

Im suing the City of Albuquerque in 6 different law suits. Including trauma i received when viewing a video of the APD in their riot gear with batons.

Not even protecting the statue!!!! But attacking innocent people in the streets while CRIMES AGIANST PUBLIC PROPERTY WITH VIOLENT STRENGTH was being committed feet away.

Personal trauma and suffering.

I still suffering.

I won't sue APD of Atlanta. Because I took away their police cars which will be returned to the city's mayor. She seems to have common sense and decency.

We already have plans for those two fired. To help them. Don't think I'm stupid because I get relaxed.

But the rest of that shit? You work for 911? 911 been calling. Over and over.

CIA does NOT ANSWER 911. That's not their job. We don't work for you. You dont call in sick and get paid to be a little bitch and order us around to do your job while you're being paid doing nothing and my CIA don't get money from the police. That's what APD expected.

THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HUMAN TRAFFICKING IS.

Mi Casa. Su Casa. Treat it as it is.

[rolaplayor101]

I feel like i should say something. Can I rant? I'm gonna rant

I'm sorry, I feel like I've been mean these last couple days. I mean, only a few people have interacted with my posts, which is to be expected I guess since that's the usual, but I feel like i need to apologize?

Like, it's rare that I ever post negative opinions outside of arguing against aphobes but the one time I do finally let out my feelings about some things it only makes me feel worse.

They were things I had been thinking about for awhile but i hadn't said anything cause it's not like anyone cares. And the same thing goes for positive stuff. Like, im usually feeling bad all the time, and I think about posting about it every time it gets bad but I don't because no one cares about that, no one wants that negative energy and I dont want to put that into the world, and also that's not what people follow me for.

Then I think about talking to one of my friends about it but that's also super lame because once again- putting that energy out there, no one wants to hear about how much of a Bad Time™ someone's having, especially if thats the only time they hear from them. I don't like that either. Also I dont want to have to explain why I'm feeling so bad cause most of the time its just petty stuff no one would care about. And it would just ruin their day, anyway. Theres nothing they can do about it, either, so why even?

And when im finally feeling happy it's also the same thing-- who cares? Who cares if I'm ecstatic about some random thing or other? People just want art, man! Crap, they barely want that! Only around 10 of my followers ever really reblog or like my posts, which, bless them i love them, but also why is anyone else even following me?

Happy thoughts are always followed by welp this isn't gonna last long. And I'll be like ooo let's text one of my friends about it but that's also a no because no one wants to hear about how i have an obsession with this anime they're never gonna watch, or how much i like this new art i made. And its usually just the same old comments either way. So I don't text them.

Those are the special times. Most of the time when I'm happy I don't feel like talking to anyone. Which is awful, right? Cause I feel like riding that high until it's gone, and usually I feel like texting someone is gonna make it go down faster. Also i hate waiting for texts now. Its such a nuisance. I want to see people now, I wanna hang out and rant to their face about what we've been doing since the last time we talked. I want this whole epidemic to be over and for them to find a cure for covid so I can comfortably see people again! Texting is so Out Of Touch now, i need instant responses I need to see peoples faces and give them hugs and hold hands with someone.

Gosh I wanna hold hands with someone

Platonically, of course. You know how I do. But only texting people when I feel sad is Lame As Heck. Which means I barely text anyone at all. Which means im just keeping my sad life and few happy moments to myself most of the time. And im really lonely😔

But then the other day I was like you know what? No art November is the catalyst to just go completely Apesh™ and so I wrote down my thoughts on bh6 which had been bothering me since OCTOBER 11TH and then I wrote down my feelings on BenRex cause that's the only time my art consistently does well and I'm sick of it and then I wrote down my thoughts on Inktober because I didn't post much benrex or bh6 and my art did awful which therefore proved my point.

And i expected to lose followers. Honestly a lot more than I actually did which I guess I should be grateful for?? I probably didn't lose more because they didn't see my posts, but still. I wanted to say something. I wanted to get the thoughts out some way or other.

I hadn't posted anything personal for months and so I thought "im just gonna be negative and im gonna warn every one about it". I do so hate having discourse on my art blog. But this is my personal blog too. Even when I was arguing with aphobes, which will definitely happen a whole lot less often now since im not posting for THAT anymore, it wasn't like I was enjoying it. I was at least trying to teach them something while adding some humor and politeness in.

But now that I've finally posted some stuff pertaining to my thoughts, I haven't felt better at all. They say talking about your feelings is supposed to make you feel better, but that wasn't the case this time around. It didn't make me feel worse, per se, but I definitely didn't feel good. I feel like deleting all those things I said. It was pretty dumb anyway.

Actually, over the course of the year, ive thought about deleting this account multiple times. I always talk myself out of it. As much as I hate being on the internet and being addicted to it, I am addicted to it. I would just regret it later. And i hold faith that one day it'll all pay off.

Still. I think about deleting it every once in awhile. It wouldn't do any good, but.. I dunno. It's a thought. I just want my art to get noticed, most of all. So Instead I've decided to not post my art everyday.

Anyway I'm sorry about calling BenRex WEEK stupid, if it actually meant anything to you. I could've been less mean about bh6 no matter how much I detest it now.

But inktober2020 was still stupid and you can quote me on that.