#anyone out there have a functioning immune system they don't want? I'll buy it

[phoenixiancrystallist]

Month 2, day 10, more clothing animation! I'm going about this kind of weird, so it's... really flashy. Sorry fellow photosensitive ppl, this one hurts my eyes, too. As such, it's going under the read more just to be extra safe.

[mylifeisactuallynotbad]

Really struggling.

Don't know how to handle living with jb and sm.

My anxiety is weirdly bad at the moment, I'm so hyper aware of everything I do. I know this is my home but I feel like it's theirs.

The sofa is a 3 seater- but they sit on it like it fits 2. If I asked they'll move but sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have to ya know. I'll be stood in the living room while they sit there and watch TV- I wait for them to notice and to offer me a seat- they don't so I go sit alone in my room. Like yes I should just ask because it's fucking crazy for me to expect them to realise.... but like I always make space for them.

They eat their dinner and I sit in my room. I wait for sm to shower before I have mine because I'm afraid of using the hot water before they can.

I feel like I bring the mood down with my sadness.

The other day we all went to IKEA (fucking stressful trip). I know it was offhand and not deliberate but we were looking at furniture for the balcony. Saw some I liked, pointed it out, sm said it would look weird/ take up too much space to get 3 chairs so he said let's just get 2.

It's so silly because who the fuck am I but a friend they live with. I hoped I wouldn't feel so out of place.

I'm afraid of using their stuff, even tho we said we'd all share stuff.

I don't think they've even noticed I've stopped eating or that I'm throwing up - which is good because I need to get it under control before I worry anyone. I really want to buy a scale.

I'm not jealous of them spending time together or anything; I just wish I didn't feel so damn lonely.

My immune system has gone to shit, 2 weeks of the worst tonsillitis I've ever had. Literally felt like I was dying, but I didn't show it. If I'd have been back home I wouldn't have left my bed. Then the sciatica- not usually this bad. Some nights I've cried so hard, genuinely considered calling 111, barely able to move. I mean I burst into tears in front of them yesterday! When have I ever cried in pain in front of someone. I was so embarrassed I wanted to die. I HATE FEELING WEAK LIKE THIS. WHY CAN'T I JUST FUCKING FUNCTION. Why am I always in fucking pain. I'm so tired.

Stopped going to therapy a month ago, I know I should but I just can't be bothered. I can't be bothered with anything. I just lay in bed and literally stare at the walls. In silence.

I'd kill myself if I didn't think it would traumatise the people I love.