#any of you remember when i posted about how i should've fucked my friend's bf... YEAH HER

[lcaspbrak]

ran into an old friend on Overwatch tonight and ohhhhh I'm fucked up about it

[beanie-babie-vents]

So I haven't posted on here in a good while, though I did post on vent.

I've had some shitty stuff happen recently, so lemme talk about it :

So around two weeks ago, I had finished work only to find out my twin sis had gone to a mental hospital. I knew she'd been really depressed lately, but I didn't know just how bad it had gotten. When I got to visit her the first time, she told me that she had broken down because of something that happened with our older sister. She didn't say what happened, but that she'd show me the recording she took when she's out of the hospital (she doesn't have her phone currently).

So I'd been dealing with that all week, along with having school start, and my bf telling me that hearing me vent about my awful family all the time made him feel like a shitty boyfriend cause he felt like he wasn't doing anything to help.

With all that already happening, I was getting really overwhelmed at work on Thursday (which happened cause of a thing which I'll explain in a bit) and was on the verge of a panic attack.

My manager came over to see if I needed any more product or whatever, and I told her that I was starting to freak out. She said that I couldn't keep having this happen, I just had to push through it, and that I was using 'this' (I guess she was referring to my anxiety or whatever) as a crutch. Fucking ridiculous that she says that the same day I actually use my cane while I'm there....

In any case, I was already crying by then, though just silent tears, and she simply told me to hand out samples despite that. Was all "pick up the cups, put them on the tray, put the food on, hand it out. Deep breaths, just push through, tell yourself to blah blah I don't remember what she said'.

She left, and I'm still crying, then at some point my coworker comes over to give me my break, sees that I'm crying, asks what's wrong, and that immediately gets me crying harder. I go on break after she hugs me, continue to have a panic attack in the bathroom and call my friend, then attempt to go back to work, still crying.

My one coworker comes up to try a sample, sees that I'm crying, and I start sobbing again cause he asked if I was okay. He's hugging me, and my manager comes over saying that I can't do this here, and that customers went and complained to the store managers about me crying, and then got on her case about it. So she said that I can either go home or cry in the office, then brought me to the office.

Now, as for what caused my panic attack in the first place before my manager made things worse?

I was already overwhelmed bc the company has stupid rules about not leaving our stations for any reason, including needing to use the bathroom - and if we have medical issues surrounding that, then we need a doctor's note so we can be given an extra break to let us go to the bathroom.

And yes, my manager has told me about this before, but it literally makes no sense??

Like, for a number of people with bowel or bladder related issues, you may get the sudden urge to go. Or the urge can just get stronger out of nowhere. Both of these have happened to me in the past, and has been happening more and more recently.

So my manager had asked me why I shut down my station when I had come back from break a little while before, then was basically scolding me, saying that i should've gone during break.

That's the thing though, I DID.

My body just decided that day was a GREAT day to not work properly. In numerous ways.

So yeah, if it's not obvious, having an extra break set up to go to the bathroom doesn't help, because there's always a chance that I wouldn't be able to actually hold it long enough. Because chronic illnesses are SO FUCKIN DUMB.

And my manager saying that breaks are apparently there for us to use the bathroom so that we don't go during our shift. Yeah no, it's not cause we may need to rest and eat, no, not at all.

Following all of that, a few days later I was scheduled to work again. I was gonna try to go despite how awful I felt. I knew that it'd be bad to call out, as I was supposed to be taking over my coworkers stations during their breaks that day, and it could be hard to have someone cover that shift for me - especially if there were multiple shifts going on that day, which was likely.

But the closer it got to my shift start time, the more anxious I got, and I knew that if I went to work that day, I'd just have another panic attack.

By the time my shift had started, I had yet to get ready, and knew I'd have to call/text out. I texted my manager that I wouldn't be there and went to sleep.

I'm worried that I'll be fired now....

But god, what was I supposed to do?

I honestly still can't believe everything my manager said.

She'd always been so sweet, kind, and understanding before, so for her to act like this was honestly surreal, and caused me to bring down due to everything else on my plate.

The worst thing is, I saw her as a friend. She literally called me a friend of hers before. Only for all this to happen?! Just. What the hell....

[beaversatemygrandma]

Gonna void post for a second here. It's not bad at all. Actually pretty good.

It's insane to think about the progression of my current relationship. It Really Really is. Like, it feels like the thing where you meet somebody at the wrong time and then years later suddenly it's the right one.

Back in high school, it was just this casual school friend. I knew damn well he had a crush on me by junior year, if it wasn't already obvious in sophomore year. In freshman, he was just a weird guy in my science class who eventually started sitting with me at the lab tables after i moved to sit there because our classmates were annoying me. He just kind of slid in, we started doing projects together, then eventually started having lunch together every day. Sophomore year, we managed to have the same lunch period and I'd actually start going to his path towards the nurse's office as he always did before lunch and just meeting him there. Carried on through junior year. Even emailed each other over the summer. Somehow we got lucky and every year, even during junior year when we didn't have a single class together, we always had the same lunch period. He'd start meeting me on my path out of class and I'd just walk with him on his daily routine. That was the year that so many of our classmates would start asking me if he was my boyfriend. He wasn't. He was just some guy that i was close to and we'd spend lunch together talking about random shit the entire time. But that was also when the crush was getting Even More Obvious. It didn't hit me honestly until i started getting asked that. But then I just noticed the way he looked at me and always let me just vent off at him. He was attentive and caring. Literally better than any boyfriend i ever had back then. Somehow, something in me back then just couldn't see that for what it was worth. I was too focused on "not being one of the nerds" (like shit, look at me. I am one of them. I want my old nerd friends back and I'll damn well get them.) I stuck with this abusive jackass who is honestly a waste of damn air. The one who essentially had the classic "If you leave me I'll kill myself"TM abusive tactic. And fuck, with how he literally quit his job because "he wasn't getting enough time with me", it didn't even feel like a stretch.

I was stuck with that piece of shit boyfriend through most of our friendship back then. Senior year, he went off to be fully at the local college in dual enrollment and i was stuck at our high school because i didn't drive and my mom would never give me a ride anywhere, even if it was for school. Literally the year where I was alone through most classes. I made a couple odd friends who lasted only that year never to be seen again. Then again, i was forced to take THREE freshman electives that year, again due to the lack of transportation even though i already had the credits needed to graduate. Apparently I met his younger sister in one of them. She apparently remembers me from school. I saw a picture of her and genuinely i have no idea who she was. I get the weird feeling she was one of the girls from that 3D art 1 class who just had so much drama and a weirdly active sex life for a freshman. Always talking about her 21yo bf and his bullshit, while i just kinda listened, did art, and held back on telling her that she should break up with him. (I should've. Maybe she wouldn't have had a kid at 17. God, his sister is a mess.)

Anyways, I didn't see him again until graduation. I had honestly missed him the entirety of that year. Wanted to send an email, try to get his number, but i could just never do that. I always had that piece of shit ex basically breathing down my shoulder and basically cutting me off from my friends. (Hell, drama club would go to chikfila after club meetings and i went one day when my ex was wanting to have me over, and he CAME TO CHIKFILA. Basically invited himself into the situation until another good friend of mine told him to fuck off. Same guy who tried to give me a reality check at graduation.) But at graduation, i was wanting to hunt him down, finally get his phone number, just catch up after a whole year. But my ex was there. He was already mad about me having been talking to the guy friend who told him to fuck off at chikfila, thinking he was a threat (he wasn't. he just saw the red flags Real Quick.) Either way, the plan failed. I couldn't find him in the crowd and my ex wouldn't give me enough space to go searching. Didn't talk to this guy for years. Went through it all just wondering how he was doing. In 2019, i heard news about a guy who has the same first name from high school. I didn't know him by that name, but the nickname used by the neighborhood kids. He committed suicide shortly after graduation. I PANICKED thinking it was my guy. I asked my friend for the link to the obituary and immediately relaxed. It was the guy from my neighborhood. Still felt bad, yeah, but So Damn Relieved. Soon after, i got a switch and noticed that your friends from 3ds could be carried over. The time I had spent with him playing pokemon back then paid off.

Apparently, we spent THREE YEARS watching each other's online status to check in, both just anxious about actually reaching out. I watched as he played his usual stuff, a new mario game, whatever else. And he noticed that i was playing pokemon still. Somehow, the thing i introduced him to made him even more curious. Turns out, when Scarlet and Violet came out, he saw the online features and thought it could be a way to get in contact. Maybe switch online voice chat connection (it does not). He got the game hoping it would give him something there. And I'm glad he did. I noticed he was playing it a few days after i got it. I spent a good while looking through my old email just SEARCHING for the emails we sent back then. Grabbed the email from them and sent one, hoping that it was still active. He fucking responded in 20 minutes with his number. Insanely fast. I was texting him that night. We had literally been thinking that we lost contact entirely for that damn long only to suddenly have contact again after just THAT.

Spent time catching up, just texting between each other, playing the game together. Just eventually working up to texting damn near every day, to basically sending texts when we got up and went to bed, to HOURS of calls. I can literally talk to him for HOURS. DAILY. This goes on for a couple months, drunk me on new years started flirting with him which brought back that somehow-not-dead crush. About a week later, he starts asking about all that finally, just having the guts to even address what drunk me was doing. Then I'm there having a whole "Am I doing this because I'm lonely or because I actually like him?" for a good few months. Eventually, I'm having a night where my back pain flared up SO Bad. He stayed there texting me, just comforting me and making that bout something i could be distracted from. I think that was the point where i had the realization that I actually do like him. I actually wanted something between us to happen. This managed to encourage me to force myself to get what i needed to done. I got my license, formed a plan with my mom to get back into town. I got everything done. I set myself up to finally get my life started back up down there. Just the thought of having him around again managed to do that.

And here i am after problem, after problem, after more problems, FINALLY having a set plan to get down there. And Holy FUCK. This is a full blown actual long-distance relationship now. I'm MOVING IN WITH HIM NEXT MONTH. We've got a nice one bedroom apartment set up. He's been getting it cleaned up and furnished and even offered to pay for the move down there because the only thing stopping me is money at this point.

Agh The whole point of this is that i reached out at Just The Right Time. We've been through our few years of getting a better grasp on ourselves and the world and not being the cringy little shits we were back then. Just having that out of the way, everything just fell together perfectly. If high school me heard that i was literally dating this guy, they would flip shit and not in a good way. But currently, I'm very happy with this relationship. He really is attentive and caring. He's giving and really just does put communication ahead of everything else. He's not a bad person at all. I don't know why i was so against this back then. He really could've been perfect. Even if that didn't happen, it's happening now and oh my god, he's amazing. I've literally told him all the weird stories of shit that I've gotten into, just as a test to see if it would scare him off because those stories Really Can do that. He's honestly just amazed that I've done all that. I've gotten a lot of random experiences in, a few good, a good amount honestly a little traumatic. He's just listened to all of that and I really want to give him some of those good ones. I know that we'll be doing that. There's just so much potential for good here. So yeah, I love him. It's hit. I actually do. So holy shit. Still just absolutely reeling over the history here. We've literally known each other since we were 14. A whole ass 9 years. Given, yeah, no contact from 2017-22, but NOW? Oh boy. Now sure is something.

God. I can't wait for next month. I really want to be down there with him already. A whole place to ourselves and finally having time together after so damn long.