#ans then you're absolutely sure abandonment is happening so you push and push and push away
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grips you all by the shoulders i dont know how much longer i can keep doin this man
vent n suicide mention in the tags i ran out of tags so i cant tag it dear lord it's all angst
#just woke up and feel like im dying already#all because of two very dumb factors#ooga booga i have bpd . i am burning from the inside out#i saw a post about bpd saying there are no metaphors to describe it because there is no beauty there is nothing poetic#it's just neverending pain and suffering and knowing you will die by your own hand very soon#and . yeha . no matter how i try to twist it into words that can help others understand while also not making them uncomfortable it doesnt#work#i can tell you it feels like knives are stabbing and dragging down through every inch of my being inside and out but that is still not close#enough !!!!!!!!!!!!!#your brains just . convinced everyone is out to get you#everyones saying shit behind your back and you are hated by every single person you love#and no matter how many time you're reassured you're just pushed deeper and deeper into that belief#n you're also just . so angry#so very angry#furious at yourself most of all but you also hate everyone you love#because they don't love you . they're lying to you .#they say they aren't but no liars want to get caught#ans then you're absolutely sure abandonment is happening so you push and push and push away#maybe you're a piece of shit to them bc then you know they left you bc of that and not because you're you#maybe you bring them too close in an attempt to stop it from happening and it happens anyway and you want to die#and you will die . it's so easy to die with bpd . it takes every fiber of my being to stay in my room rather than going to try and die#it's just batshit . you feel like you're inherently wrong and you dont have a place anywhere#you feel like you're losing your mind when mood swings happen because they will happen and they happen fast#a moments silence from someone you love is disastrous and world ending but on the other side they're just doing a small task#and forgot their phone#and it builds up and up and up and up until you cant mask anymore you cant pretend you're healthy anymore because you're not and then you#lose everyone#ive lost everyone so many times and i dont have many people now so im more or less clawed into them . they cant leave me too#i dunno . i dunno . bpd is so impossible to verbalize it's physically painful and i mean that i really do#you feel it in every part of you and you feel so empty and so alone even if you're not and then you feel nothing
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